First off, let me say that I am veeeer tired having been up with Bean all night, again. He is definitely having a sleep 'issue' that is not just about a disrupted routine or me having been mardy. i think it is about nightmares. So i have had to spend this morning working out how to deal with this so we can all start to sleep.
So that has been sorted and my tiredness abated with tea and toast. Now I need to turn my mind to work. Oh, work. What is work?! I have 'issues' of my own with work that I need to address to actually do it.
Problem: My confidence after the discussion chapter is still on the floor. I am embarrassed and troubled by the fact that I genuinely think my being in this position (of completing a PhD) is a terrible mistake. I am not clever, I am not thoughtful and my ideas are whack.
Solution: 1) You tend to feel this way after some time away from work. Go back to it for half an hour, start editing the chapter and be pleased that your supervisor has basically re-written it for you! Write it out, forget about it, move onto the literature review chapter. 2) You are not that bad. You did two Masters and got distinctions and your supervisor is not a dimwit and recommended you on this course. Doubt is fine, stultifying self-pity is not. 3) This is not a time for introspective self-reflection, do that after you have finished. A PhD is rarely winged by anyone - every bugger has to work hard at it. Yes, HARD WORK. Now stop whining.
Problem: I don't know how to write a lit review or a methodology chapter. The thought of it is making me feel ill and frightened.
Solution: Read the other, completed thesis your friend gave you and see how they did theirs. Do NOT copy but do take note. And you have written two methodologies before in Masters Dissertations. And you have started on this one too as I recall. Just do some writing, it'll be fine, stuff will come to you. You have at least 4,000 word worth of rabbiting to do about your philosophical direction, and all the notes on this are laid out upstairs in the study. Fret thee not - or at least fret in the time allocated to the methodology chapter. This time is for lit review fretting only.
Problem: I am running out of time and am very scared!
Solution: Stop hiding from it. You know that when you start working it becomes your friend again and you are all happy and confident. The only time you feel shite is when you are avoiding it, ironically. You HAVE to finish, so just grit your teeth, drink lots of coffee, do not get distracted by worries about Bean (!) and get the job done, bit by bit :) Think more about how it will feel when you *do* finish your lit review (happy, excited, elated, proud), rather than how it feels now when you feel you can't (tired, depressed, useless, failing).
Basically this has to happen or you will spend your WHOLE life feeling like you do now (see above). And it will always be there and you will always think, 'maybe I should start up my phD again soon' which is just so bloody depressing and awful. you will know you ducked out. get it finished, and you will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee forever and know you did it.
Ok. better now. I have to go for a 1.5 mile run now, only titchy, for the last part of sorting my head out, get some positive endorphins going and focus, then eat lunch and I will sit down to work from 1pm. If i don't go for a run I will just eat junk and smoke a fag and I do NOT want to do that! Running will keep me focused, less snappy, less stressy, get me fitter and help me not rely on bad food and fags as crutches to get me through this.
I will do jittery work, I can't pretend I will focus solidly for three hours but it will be work :)
x J
So that has been sorted and my tiredness abated with tea and toast. Now I need to turn my mind to work. Oh, work. What is work?! I have 'issues' of my own with work that I need to address to actually do it.
Problem: My confidence after the discussion chapter is still on the floor. I am embarrassed and troubled by the fact that I genuinely think my being in this position (of completing a PhD) is a terrible mistake. I am not clever, I am not thoughtful and my ideas are whack.
Solution: 1) You tend to feel this way after some time away from work. Go back to it for half an hour, start editing the chapter and be pleased that your supervisor has basically re-written it for you! Write it out, forget about it, move onto the literature review chapter. 2) You are not that bad. You did two Masters and got distinctions and your supervisor is not a dimwit and recommended you on this course. Doubt is fine, stultifying self-pity is not. 3) This is not a time for introspective self-reflection, do that after you have finished. A PhD is rarely winged by anyone - every bugger has to work hard at it. Yes, HARD WORK. Now stop whining.
Problem: I don't know how to write a lit review or a methodology chapter. The thought of it is making me feel ill and frightened.
Solution: Read the other, completed thesis your friend gave you and see how they did theirs. Do NOT copy but do take note. And you have written two methodologies before in Masters Dissertations. And you have started on this one too as I recall. Just do some writing, it'll be fine, stuff will come to you. You have at least 4,000 word worth of rabbiting to do about your philosophical direction, and all the notes on this are laid out upstairs in the study. Fret thee not - or at least fret in the time allocated to the methodology chapter. This time is for lit review fretting only.
Problem: I am running out of time and am very scared!
Solution: Stop hiding from it. You know that when you start working it becomes your friend again and you are all happy and confident. The only time you feel shite is when you are avoiding it, ironically. You HAVE to finish, so just grit your teeth, drink lots of coffee, do not get distracted by worries about Bean (!) and get the job done, bit by bit :) Think more about how it will feel when you *do* finish your lit review (happy, excited, elated, proud), rather than how it feels now when you feel you can't (tired, depressed, useless, failing).
Basically this has to happen or you will spend your WHOLE life feeling like you do now (see above). And it will always be there and you will always think, 'maybe I should start up my phD again soon' which is just so bloody depressing and awful. you will know you ducked out. get it finished, and you will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee forever and know you did it.
Ok. better now. I have to go for a 1.5 mile run now, only titchy, for the last part of sorting my head out, get some positive endorphins going and focus, then eat lunch and I will sit down to work from 1pm. If i don't go for a run I will just eat junk and smoke a fag and I do NOT want to do that! Running will keep me focused, less snappy, less stressy, get me fitter and help me not rely on bad food and fags as crutches to get me through this.
I will do jittery work, I can't pretend I will focus solidly for three hours but it will be work :)
x J
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