Ok so I have been very whiny and gloomy, and for this, I apologise. I am now turning over a new leaf!
I had a chat with DB last night and he was very frank about how lazy and procrastinatory (?!) I am sounding. This stung, I can't deny it, and I am not completely sure he is right. In my defence I have had the shittest time in history of late, and some stuff he doesn't even really know about or understand, and so I think I should be given a break. He also is rather robotic and amazing in his ability to put aside feelings and worries to just work like a freaky deaky automaton. He is an actual workaholic and so we, as me being lazy me, do not meet eye-to-eye on the place work has in our lives. I am also more mentally unhinged and prone to depression, when he and his family have no idea about depression and do not suffer from any kind of mental illness at all, they are very stable. So, his comments are not really from an understanding place.
However, I also realise that he knows me well, and also the value of getting the PhD and finishing up in 7 weeks time (I said that I was very very keen to finish rather than keep getting extensions)... I think he is sick of my PhD too ;0) Certainly family life is very stretched while I am working because what would normally be our chill time is taken up with me working and him having to watch Bean on his own and vice versa. I will get it done, with gritted teeth if necessary! Also, my Sup is clearly disappointed in me so that everyone I love is getting cross with me must be a sign I am just generally being a Bit Shit.
We are, wonderfully, going to get our wee kitten which i am very excited about and will do much the same, if not more, than any sick note as far as giving me some happiness/respite from the relentless shit of life at the mo (hehe drama queen alert). He did say he thought getting a kitten was the worst timing ever and clearly a distraction technique so I couldn't work (although, apparently, I could be pregnant, feeling sick to death, out of my face tired and sidetracked by hoping the pregnancy was going ok!) but I have already considered this and dismissed it. It could be a distraction technique, but only in the sense that one needs work/life balance and currently I have no friends (my friends up here are all pregnant and although I am fine, I am still not fine enough to be laughing around other happy bumps and being the only one able to jump up and watch their ill behaved toddlers), work from home, look after my son at home, exercise and watch tv. It's a bit shit. A little kitty would bring a certain warmth and loveliness to our home life, a silliness and fun that we are sorely lacking I think (DB is having the time from hell at work at the moment too, eek) and to come downstairs to see my son and silly kitty would be a pleasure and immediately warm my cold PhD-stressed heart :) It also means I have to prove that the kitten wasn't a distraction technique and was a good motivator by working a lot! hehe, win-win methinks.
So, I am home with Bean today, him all fancy in his new pants (too grown up for nappies as of today it seems!) and just hanging having been busy, busy with cornwall etc, and tonight I shall work until about 10pm. This will be a Big Thing and will take a lot of teeth gritting and motivation. Tomorrow I shall look for kittens in the morning, talk about kittens over lunch, and then come back and go for a run and work for a few hours tomorrow afternoon. I am really going to have to get my head around having no home life for a while :( No fun and games, no hanging around reading the paper, no watching tv. Though I hope to get neough work done tonight and tomorrow to warrant the evening off tomorrow to zone out in front of Britain's Got Talent (silly and quite dull but I love it anyway). Then work again on Sunday when I can. If it is all going terribly come Monday I shall head to the drs and plead for a sick note, but hopefully I will feel like a Good Student, in control and happier.
x J
I had a chat with DB last night and he was very frank about how lazy and procrastinatory (?!) I am sounding. This stung, I can't deny it, and I am not completely sure he is right. In my defence I have had the shittest time in history of late, and some stuff he doesn't even really know about or understand, and so I think I should be given a break. He also is rather robotic and amazing in his ability to put aside feelings and worries to just work like a freaky deaky automaton. He is an actual workaholic and so we, as me being lazy me, do not meet eye-to-eye on the place work has in our lives. I am also more mentally unhinged and prone to depression, when he and his family have no idea about depression and do not suffer from any kind of mental illness at all, they are very stable. So, his comments are not really from an understanding place.
However, I also realise that he knows me well, and also the value of getting the PhD and finishing up in 7 weeks time (I said that I was very very keen to finish rather than keep getting extensions)... I think he is sick of my PhD too ;0) Certainly family life is very stretched while I am working because what would normally be our chill time is taken up with me working and him having to watch Bean on his own and vice versa. I will get it done, with gritted teeth if necessary! Also, my Sup is clearly disappointed in me so that everyone I love is getting cross with me must be a sign I am just generally being a Bit Shit.
We are, wonderfully, going to get our wee kitten which i am very excited about and will do much the same, if not more, than any sick note as far as giving me some happiness/respite from the relentless shit of life at the mo (hehe drama queen alert). He did say he thought getting a kitten was the worst timing ever and clearly a distraction technique so I couldn't work (although, apparently, I could be pregnant, feeling sick to death, out of my face tired and sidetracked by hoping the pregnancy was going ok!) but I have already considered this and dismissed it. It could be a distraction technique, but only in the sense that one needs work/life balance and currently I have no friends (my friends up here are all pregnant and although I am fine, I am still not fine enough to be laughing around other happy bumps and being the only one able to jump up and watch their ill behaved toddlers), work from home, look after my son at home, exercise and watch tv. It's a bit shit. A little kitty would bring a certain warmth and loveliness to our home life, a silliness and fun that we are sorely lacking I think (DB is having the time from hell at work at the moment too, eek) and to come downstairs to see my son and silly kitty would be a pleasure and immediately warm my cold PhD-stressed heart :) It also means I have to prove that the kitten wasn't a distraction technique and was a good motivator by working a lot! hehe, win-win methinks.
So, I am home with Bean today, him all fancy in his new pants (too grown up for nappies as of today it seems!) and just hanging having been busy, busy with cornwall etc, and tonight I shall work until about 10pm. This will be a Big Thing and will take a lot of teeth gritting and motivation. Tomorrow I shall look for kittens in the morning, talk about kittens over lunch, and then come back and go for a run and work for a few hours tomorrow afternoon. I am really going to have to get my head around having no home life for a while :( No fun and games, no hanging around reading the paper, no watching tv. Though I hope to get neough work done tonight and tomorrow to warrant the evening off tomorrow to zone out in front of Britain's Got Talent (silly and quite dull but I love it anyway). Then work again on Sunday when I can. If it is all going terribly come Monday I shall head to the drs and plead for a sick note, but hopefully I will feel like a Good Student, in control and happier.
x J
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