I haven't been able to post for so long! been so busy or on a terrible computer so would type and then connection would go...
The interviews I did last sunday were great, I did four in one day so was a very long day and very tiring. My RAs are great but also got quite tired, I still have the info from a village to come to me - it was al in Tamil so I understood nothing! I have a couple of responses to my questionnaire from very influential Indian NGOs which is brilliant, one wants me to call them so they can do 'justice to the questions' which is ace though I hate using the phone with a passion. She is the CEO of a very important aid coordination group that actually was borne out of the disaster so wil be great to have her input. Shame I can't see her in person but the phone will do, and she seems very nice which helps my nerves!
Can't believe we are leaving on Thursday! Is such a relief but also quite nervewracking and am so worried about what I will leave undone or forget to do and only at home will I realise. My RAs haven't managed to do any more reseach for me yet but want to start again on Monday - I think a day off on Sunday will revitalise them as they haven't had a single day off for two weeks and work very long hours. DB thinks I should go along to the meetings and then they will be mroe likely to do the work and not call me saying they haven't done any but I always thought doing interviews every night after work was ambitious of them - they are at least two hours per village pus travelling - and wouldn't start until about 6. I can't go, I wouldn't leave the villages until about 9pm, it would be nighttime, I am pregnant (18 weeks now!) and would be so stressed about how to get home and safely too - the buses are a wreck and we never travel on buses at night in rural areas together let alone just me as is not safe really. PLUS we keep having mega thunderstorms - last night it went on from 6pm until 12, rain rain rain, the streets were flooded and the leccy was off - can you imagine if I was in the middle of nowhere with all that?!! The roads would be flooded, the buses infrequent if at all and probably don't have windscreen wipers (I kid you not, there is a reason why India's roads are the most lethal in the world). Nope sir, I would rather wait for the RAs to have some kip and do it in their own time. They don't need me there to cajole them anyway, just a bit of leadershp to steer them when they are wandering (such as now) so they know I do care and want it done, but are really diligent and helpful people (such is the Indian way) and I trust them.
So although I am on tenterhooks about how many participants I will actually get, I am also confident it wil be ok. Hopeful. Tentatively hopeful. Eek, am shit*ing myself!
better go, is lunchtime. I wonder what I shall eat today - omlette and chips, fish and chips, or cheese toastie and chips?!! Roll on Thursday...!!! Am at least well and healthy if not spoilt for choice ;0)
x J
Friday, 31 July 2009
Friday, 24 July 2009
hallelujah! One week down...
Just a quick post, is too hot to hang around for long!
Work is going WELL - I met with my RA and it was just email that wasn't working, he understands all and has organised a LOT of group interviews - we start on Sunday and are doing two villages, so four groups of 8 people! All that week I am out doing lots of these and should have about 120 participants by the following sunday, a few days before we come home. I will go and observe and I think Kuna likes me to be there anyway, he has a friend to help take notes (arg, paying two people?!) so we shall see how necessary that is but hey... all is good! I have sent off a questionnaire to a big org that had massive influecne in the tsunami so await the response (already had contact with them about it) and have asked a few other contacts to do it, though will follow that up monday. Have realised that hanging around locally and chatting to peeps ad hoc won't work as most of the restaurants have been pulled down and are being rebuilt! Is the quiet season here and actually has a faintly depressing, wilted air that DB and I are keen to be away from. However, in all it is going really well. I am white as white can be as I stay out of the sun (working actually if you believe it!) and haven't had a day off yet as such, though my working hours are less the nine-to-five considering I can't wake much before 10am yet... Am not ill yet! Have been studiously avoiding anything dodgy at *all* and am getting a bit tired of my very limited menu! BUT beanie has learnt to kick this week so am delighted! Even DF has felt it! We are 17 weeks now - nearly half way! Exciting. I am pleased cause my bump isn't as big here (maybe because am eating less cr*p?!) so can hide it easily. Am not keen on people knowing, I like my secret bump!!
So all is good. am completely relieved though I was so worried it has taken a day to sink in that I am probably going to be ok with a) the research and b) being well. Am dying for some meat though! Am going straight to macdonalds at dubai airport on the way home I tell you - I know its vile but I can't help my needs! ;0)
SO as we have a power cut (these comps run by special generator) I am forced out of my hot, temporarily fanless and AC-less concrete box and into the world - so am off to chill by the pool for the avo!
Next week we are going to about 9 villages and doing 18 interviews so having a day off while I can ;0) No emails to respond to, work is under control or can be done later so for a couple of hours I am on a wee break.
One thing I can say about the return trip is how much easier it is! I am more confident, I have a clear focus and clear questions I want to ask, I have a strict timeline and if my RA couldn't help, I would have to get serious about another plan asap. Meeting my RA etc has been fine, not as nervewracking as before and I am much more assertive and confident in my work and dealings with people. Last time definitely feels like it was a scouting and assessing trip - then you go home and suss out what you need to find out, and come back and get it done! Is soooo much easier this time around!
laters all!
x J
Work is going WELL - I met with my RA and it was just email that wasn't working, he understands all and has organised a LOT of group interviews - we start on Sunday and are doing two villages, so four groups of 8 people! All that week I am out doing lots of these and should have about 120 participants by the following sunday, a few days before we come home. I will go and observe and I think Kuna likes me to be there anyway, he has a friend to help take notes (arg, paying two people?!) so we shall see how necessary that is but hey... all is good! I have sent off a questionnaire to a big org that had massive influecne in the tsunami so await the response (already had contact with them about it) and have asked a few other contacts to do it, though will follow that up monday. Have realised that hanging around locally and chatting to peeps ad hoc won't work as most of the restaurants have been pulled down and are being rebuilt! Is the quiet season here and actually has a faintly depressing, wilted air that DB and I are keen to be away from. However, in all it is going really well. I am white as white can be as I stay out of the sun (working actually if you believe it!) and haven't had a day off yet as such, though my working hours are less the nine-to-five considering I can't wake much before 10am yet... Am not ill yet! Have been studiously avoiding anything dodgy at *all* and am getting a bit tired of my very limited menu! BUT beanie has learnt to kick this week so am delighted! Even DF has felt it! We are 17 weeks now - nearly half way! Exciting. I am pleased cause my bump isn't as big here (maybe because am eating less cr*p?!) so can hide it easily. Am not keen on people knowing, I like my secret bump!!
So all is good. am completely relieved though I was so worried it has taken a day to sink in that I am probably going to be ok with a) the research and b) being well. Am dying for some meat though! Am going straight to macdonalds at dubai airport on the way home I tell you - I know its vile but I can't help my needs! ;0)
SO as we have a power cut (these comps run by special generator) I am forced out of my hot, temporarily fanless and AC-less concrete box and into the world - so am off to chill by the pool for the avo!
Next week we are going to about 9 villages and doing 18 interviews so having a day off while I can ;0) No emails to respond to, work is under control or can be done later so for a couple of hours I am on a wee break.
One thing I can say about the return trip is how much easier it is! I am more confident, I have a clear focus and clear questions I want to ask, I have a strict timeline and if my RA couldn't help, I would have to get serious about another plan asap. Meeting my RA etc has been fine, not as nervewracking as before and I am much more assertive and confident in my work and dealings with people. Last time definitely feels like it was a scouting and assessing trip - then you go home and suss out what you need to find out, and come back and get it done! Is soooo much easier this time around!
laters all!
x J
Monday, 20 July 2009
India mark 2
So, I arrived on Friday morning and have spent the weekend settling in!
Think I may get over the jetlag tonight - it has been surprisingly harsh as we have to get up at 10am india time then can't go to sleep until bedtime in the UK which is about 3am here... But am not sleeping all night, keep waking up. sooooooo tired! The journey was a-ok though, DB and I did not even quarrel much and seeing my bestest friends for the Beanie BBQ on Weds was brilliant. I am definitely up the stick - they could see my bump and I was with my friends and sober and not smoking for the first time since we met... (and bonded over booze and fags at uni - how else?!). Beanie has taken to Indian life and food and after my first mega spicy meal let me know of its presence with a wee tap hello! Since we have been here, each day I have had taps and rolls hello which is divine - I am completely chilled about Beanie's welfare which means I can concentrate on my work much easier and settle into being in India without feeling too guilty for bringing bean.
We have good accommodation - we tried without AC but it is insanely hot here so have an AC room but in a normal guesthouse rather than a posh hotel so all good. I am in the middle of town so can walk everywhere and have been the the beach and done some 'observation' (had some coffees in beachside restaurants!) and this morning did an impromptu interview with a guy who we met walking back from the ATM... he was pleased we were English and when he found out we were here finding out about charity he went off on one about the corruption... so I asked him about the tsunami and got lots of info - some quite exaggerated I felt and very one sided (I don't think he likes fisher people who are my main case study population) BUT did have some great nuggets and also coroborated info from a couple of other interviews which is fab. He is a guide so will take us to see tsunami houses and other aid areas for a day which is great - anyone who can show me anything and speaks English is *great*! No time for immersion and that malarky so just need info and fast. Am waiting to see when my RA can meet up with me to talk about the research - i shall know so much more how this trip will go once I have spoken with him. I came to the internet expecting to email a few contacts but then realised I am not sure who is who and what to say now. Need to read my old fieldwork diaries and refresh my memory.
Getting to talk to someone though, even if it was impromptu and not remotely as a consequence of my own diligence in finding interviewees, has really perked me up and made me feel confident and like I am starting to get moving. This encounter shows two things 1) that research is about trying to make the most of each encounter or person you speak with and 2) it is also luck and completely organic. Tomorrow I may not see a soul to speak with me about the tsunami - if people don't want to talk to me I can't make them. Or I may speak to a whole village if I 'randomly' meet someone who invites me to speak to their relatives... WHO KNOWS?! Not I, and that drives me mental (but is sooo pleasing whenh something happens)!!!
I am too hot and feel quite sick. It is pretty late here, 3.30pm, so shall leave interviews and emails for today. I would like to go for a swim (cool down! No sunbathing though - is no sun and is tooooo hot! Would just bake) and then eat something (beanie food!! ie chocolate cake if I can find it) and then sit down and work out who to contact and why and what to say to them as I aim t try and get some email/phone interviews while I am in India. I also need a list of organisations I know of to a) contact and b) get reports from to help back up my 'Indian voice' side of the research.
Tomorrow I hope to have heard from my RA about when we can meet and I shall send the emails I organised. I also need to go for a stroll along the beach some way and find some villages and tsunami houses as the tide comes in high and fast about lunchtime! Need to get there early which I hope to do having shaken off my jetlag (I hope!) Hopefully I may be accosted by fishing people or hawkers etc so I can talk to them and understand more what they do and how the tsunami may have affected them (or what their 'line' is to tourists, if they have one).
Aid is such a funny business. Does everyone just want to profit from it?
x J
Think I may get over the jetlag tonight - it has been surprisingly harsh as we have to get up at 10am india time then can't go to sleep until bedtime in the UK which is about 3am here... But am not sleeping all night, keep waking up. sooooooo tired! The journey was a-ok though, DB and I did not even quarrel much and seeing my bestest friends for the Beanie BBQ on Weds was brilliant. I am definitely up the stick - they could see my bump and I was with my friends and sober and not smoking for the first time since we met... (and bonded over booze and fags at uni - how else?!). Beanie has taken to Indian life and food and after my first mega spicy meal let me know of its presence with a wee tap hello! Since we have been here, each day I have had taps and rolls hello which is divine - I am completely chilled about Beanie's welfare which means I can concentrate on my work much easier and settle into being in India without feeling too guilty for bringing bean.
We have good accommodation - we tried without AC but it is insanely hot here so have an AC room but in a normal guesthouse rather than a posh hotel so all good. I am in the middle of town so can walk everywhere and have been the the beach and done some 'observation' (had some coffees in beachside restaurants!) and this morning did an impromptu interview with a guy who we met walking back from the ATM... he was pleased we were English and when he found out we were here finding out about charity he went off on one about the corruption... so I asked him about the tsunami and got lots of info - some quite exaggerated I felt and very one sided (I don't think he likes fisher people who are my main case study population) BUT did have some great nuggets and also coroborated info from a couple of other interviews which is fab. He is a guide so will take us to see tsunami houses and other aid areas for a day which is great - anyone who can show me anything and speaks English is *great*! No time for immersion and that malarky so just need info and fast. Am waiting to see when my RA can meet up with me to talk about the research - i shall know so much more how this trip will go once I have spoken with him. I came to the internet expecting to email a few contacts but then realised I am not sure who is who and what to say now. Need to read my old fieldwork diaries and refresh my memory.
Getting to talk to someone though, even if it was impromptu and not remotely as a consequence of my own diligence in finding interviewees, has really perked me up and made me feel confident and like I am starting to get moving. This encounter shows two things 1) that research is about trying to make the most of each encounter or person you speak with and 2) it is also luck and completely organic. Tomorrow I may not see a soul to speak with me about the tsunami - if people don't want to talk to me I can't make them. Or I may speak to a whole village if I 'randomly' meet someone who invites me to speak to their relatives... WHO KNOWS?! Not I, and that drives me mental (but is sooo pleasing whenh something happens)!!!
I am too hot and feel quite sick. It is pretty late here, 3.30pm, so shall leave interviews and emails for today. I would like to go for a swim (cool down! No sunbathing though - is no sun and is tooooo hot! Would just bake) and then eat something (beanie food!! ie chocolate cake if I can find it) and then sit down and work out who to contact and why and what to say to them as I aim t try and get some email/phone interviews while I am in India. I also need a list of organisations I know of to a) contact and b) get reports from to help back up my 'Indian voice' side of the research.
Tomorrow I hope to have heard from my RA about when we can meet and I shall send the emails I organised. I also need to go for a stroll along the beach some way and find some villages and tsunami houses as the tide comes in high and fast about lunchtime! Need to get there early which I hope to do having shaken off my jetlag (I hope!) Hopefully I may be accosted by fishing people or hawkers etc so I can talk to them and understand more what they do and how the tsunami may have affected them (or what their 'line' is to tourists, if they have one).
Aid is such a funny business. Does everyone just want to profit from it?
x J
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
I just don't want to go! :0(
I am pretty ready to go now, most of the stuff packed - not much of it to be honest!
Mot things are work but DF is carrying that for me ;0) I am really upset, I didn't realise how much I don't want to go, I have been in total 'it will be fine!' denial. And now I have to leave in a couple of hours and it is just... I dunno. I just don't want to go at all and just burst into tears at my desk. Is so dramatic, is only three weeks!
I suppose it can *only* be better than I am anticipating. I just can 't get my head around the fact that tomorrow I am flying to India and will wake up on Friday to a crazy, hot, loud, colourful world. One I was so happy to leave tbh. Maybe because when we left I was at the end of my tether, was sick *again*, was really weak and tired, work was stressing me out and my Dad died. It is such a sh*t thing to say but I dread the filth, the smells of sewage, the dust and heat and, most horribly, the poverty. Why? I can only imagine it is to do with Bean. I have no energy for the unknown right now - the unknown is going on right here, in my body! I don't really want any more stimulation or to be out of my comfort zone. I heart my comfort zone. The thing is, for a long time I *loved* it and wanted to stay for longer than my allocated 5 and a half months. Seems crazy to me now and I hope that is the feeling that comes back.
Remember:
It is only three weeks
It will definitely be better when I am there
It will definitely not be as bad as I think
Just do what you can
Next post will be from India!
x J
Mot things are work but DF is carrying that for me ;0) I am really upset, I didn't realise how much I don't want to go, I have been in total 'it will be fine!' denial. And now I have to leave in a couple of hours and it is just... I dunno. I just don't want to go at all and just burst into tears at my desk. Is so dramatic, is only three weeks!
I suppose it can *only* be better than I am anticipating. I just can 't get my head around the fact that tomorrow I am flying to India and will wake up on Friday to a crazy, hot, loud, colourful world. One I was so happy to leave tbh. Maybe because when we left I was at the end of my tether, was sick *again*, was really weak and tired, work was stressing me out and my Dad died. It is such a sh*t thing to say but I dread the filth, the smells of sewage, the dust and heat and, most horribly, the poverty. Why? I can only imagine it is to do with Bean. I have no energy for the unknown right now - the unknown is going on right here, in my body! I don't really want any more stimulation or to be out of my comfort zone. I heart my comfort zone. The thing is, for a long time I *loved* it and wanted to stay for longer than my allocated 5 and a half months. Seems crazy to me now and I hope that is the feeling that comes back.
Remember:
It is only three weeks
It will definitely be better when I am there
It will definitely not be as bad as I think
Just do what you can
Next post will be from India!
x J
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
Tactical interviewing
One thing I have learnt today is the art of tactical interviewing...
When we consider doing interviews or what kind of method to use we usually think about the practical benefits to the research, but what about the affective benefits?
For example, I always wanted to do unstructured interviews, so I can let the interviewee tell me what they want to - they can lead and inform the interview. What I didn't consider was how hard it is to manage this style of interview (for a newbie in particular), how stressful going to an interview of this nature can be (you don't know what to do! As you aren't controlling it, you have to do it 'off the cuff'), and how much brainpower it takes to control the interview and also make sure you are getting all the info that you need. Instead I am doing semi structured interviews which allow me to closely follow an agenda (a list of topics and relevant q's), to go to an interview feeling there is a beginning, middle and an end, and have a piece of paper with the topics on to answer, leaving my brain free to be sociable and friendly (rather than nervously trying to remember the interview's agenda!). This, rather than being a practical solution, is actually affective - it has calmed me already knowing the questions I want to ask people, it will calm me before an interview as I will know when informal chat is becoming interview - I will ask a question and start the tape recorder - and will know the questions are written down (I don't have to try and remember them). I will also have a lovely prop to hide behind and scribble notes down on as and when. I will also 'look' like a typical interviewer which may ease the interviewee.
So it is important to think of course about what the research needs, but also to think about yourself as a researcher. If you hate group speaking or being the focus of attention then organising and debriefing lots of focus groups is not going to be your cup of tea - you will just dread it, put it off and be miserable. *Always consider yourself in the work, after all - you are doing it!*
x J
When we consider doing interviews or what kind of method to use we usually think about the practical benefits to the research, but what about the affective benefits?
For example, I always wanted to do unstructured interviews, so I can let the interviewee tell me what they want to - they can lead and inform the interview. What I didn't consider was how hard it is to manage this style of interview (for a newbie in particular), how stressful going to an interview of this nature can be (you don't know what to do! As you aren't controlling it, you have to do it 'off the cuff'), and how much brainpower it takes to control the interview and also make sure you are getting all the info that you need. Instead I am doing semi structured interviews which allow me to closely follow an agenda (a list of topics and relevant q's), to go to an interview feeling there is a beginning, middle and an end, and have a piece of paper with the topics on to answer, leaving my brain free to be sociable and friendly (rather than nervously trying to remember the interview's agenda!). This, rather than being a practical solution, is actually affective - it has calmed me already knowing the questions I want to ask people, it will calm me before an interview as I will know when informal chat is becoming interview - I will ask a question and start the tape recorder - and will know the questions are written down (I don't have to try and remember them). I will also have a lovely prop to hide behind and scribble notes down on as and when. I will also 'look' like a typical interviewer which may ease the interviewee.
So it is important to think of course about what the research needs, but also to think about yourself as a researcher. If you hate group speaking or being the focus of attention then organising and debriefing lots of focus groups is not going to be your cup of tea - you will just dread it, put it off and be miserable. *Always consider yourself in the work, after all - you are doing it!*
x J
Purple hair
Yep I have purple hair today! Woo! I was out in superdrug yesterday and got all excited about having a change - all this booze-free and fag-free - even brie-free - livin' took its toll...
Today I have done naff all. I have emailed a friend, had a smoothie and some coffee which seems to be giving me heartburn. What a joy.
Yesterday I got all my jobs done which is fantastic - normally if you go into town with a load of things to buy you invariably forget something or have to go back again or order something in, but no, all done.
So today I have to:
Do my new interview templates
Write out in my fieldwork journal what I plan to achieve in the first week (is definitely hitting home that I only have three!)
Pack
Sort out the house
Get batteries for my dictaphone for Kuna (I got a tape one, is cheapest and won't confuddle anyone!)
Buy my friend a Birthday Pressie
Work out train times for tomorrow and Thurs am to get to the airport
Eat.
I will do the work first, and all the printing, then pack up my uni stuff I want to take, the sort out trains, then pack my other stuff, then do the house, then sit and ponder what to order from the kebab shop ;0)
x J
Today I have done naff all. I have emailed a friend, had a smoothie and some coffee which seems to be giving me heartburn. What a joy.
Yesterday I got all my jobs done which is fantastic - normally if you go into town with a load of things to buy you invariably forget something or have to go back again or order something in, but no, all done.
So today I have to:
Do my new interview templates
Write out in my fieldwork journal what I plan to achieve in the first week (is definitely hitting home that I only have three!)
Pack
Sort out the house
Get batteries for my dictaphone for Kuna (I got a tape one, is cheapest and won't confuddle anyone!)
Buy my friend a Birthday Pressie
Work out train times for tomorrow and Thurs am to get to the airport
Eat.
I will do the work first, and all the printing, then pack up my uni stuff I want to take, the sort out trains, then pack my other stuff, then do the house, then sit and ponder what to order from the kebab shop ;0)
x J
Monday, 13 July 2009
Lovely Weekend
Ah I feel much better about everything today. I think mostly because I can finally start getting on with stuff, rather than just worrying about it.
I had a look at my paper yesterday, to see whether I really have planned it well enough to come bck to in a few weeks and if not, do some work, but is actually rather good. I can't do much more. And I am not in such a pickle as I thought I would be, deadline wise, so it'll be ok. I am not taking any of it, or any reading to do with it, to India. I also looked at my situ with the RA and realised that it needn't be so bad. If we have two groups to talk to intially that is something (shall have to ask him more clearly what he means by his 'friends' when he talks of the group. Hardly a representative sample is it?!), then maybe with some explanation and chats we will work out that he can talk to at least a couple more people for me. I need to come away with about 60 respondants which can then be supplemented by about 20 reports/newspaper articles/NGO docs which provide a notion of what local people feel happened with the aid effort, An impression will suffice (have to suffice!). So, could be ok.
I also looked at what to do in India, my first steps. I wrote out a few contacts I shall make (when I am there, much easier when you are in 'the zone' and I will have my India mobile too) asap, and also realied that a couple of different interview templates would be great. I just worried that I woul have to walk into interviews and make it up as I went along - like I was doing before - but realised that I have come on a bit since then (yay!) and can actually write out about five prompt questions which will work as something to help me when I am nervous (all the time!) and also something to hide behind and scribble on. It also means I will have a clear start to the interview, explaining what it is, saying thanks etc, and a clear end when I put the paper away, and then I leave! Excellent! This put my mind to rest no end. I shall do these templates (two, one for aid workers and one for local people, along with the third for villager group meetings) tomorrow when I have got some printer ink.
Today I am going into town to buy things for India, wash stuff, sort out the house and get clothes out to pack. I need to find out when my 20 week scan is when I get home, and get some accommodation and airport transfers! (Sounds far more glamourous than it is in reality!)
Plan for India so far:
I am planning to get there and just chill for the weekend, find some decent cockroach-free accommodation and acclimatise a bit. Then on Monday I shall start work. My plan tomorrow is to refine this a bit. Can't believe we are off on Weds!
x J
I had a look at my paper yesterday, to see whether I really have planned it well enough to come bck to in a few weeks and if not, do some work, but is actually rather good. I can't do much more. And I am not in such a pickle as I thought I would be, deadline wise, so it'll be ok. I am not taking any of it, or any reading to do with it, to India. I also looked at my situ with the RA and realised that it needn't be so bad. If we have two groups to talk to intially that is something (shall have to ask him more clearly what he means by his 'friends' when he talks of the group. Hardly a representative sample is it?!), then maybe with some explanation and chats we will work out that he can talk to at least a couple more people for me. I need to come away with about 60 respondants which can then be supplemented by about 20 reports/newspaper articles/NGO docs which provide a notion of what local people feel happened with the aid effort, An impression will suffice (have to suffice!). So, could be ok.
I also looked at what to do in India, my first steps. I wrote out a few contacts I shall make (when I am there, much easier when you are in 'the zone' and I will have my India mobile too) asap, and also realied that a couple of different interview templates would be great. I just worried that I woul have to walk into interviews and make it up as I went along - like I was doing before - but realised that I have come on a bit since then (yay!) and can actually write out about five prompt questions which will work as something to help me when I am nervous (all the time!) and also something to hide behind and scribble on. It also means I will have a clear start to the interview, explaining what it is, saying thanks etc, and a clear end when I put the paper away, and then I leave! Excellent! This put my mind to rest no end. I shall do these templates (two, one for aid workers and one for local people, along with the third for villager group meetings) tomorrow when I have got some printer ink.
Today I am going into town to buy things for India, wash stuff, sort out the house and get clothes out to pack. I need to find out when my 20 week scan is when I get home, and get some accommodation and airport transfers! (Sounds far more glamourous than it is in reality!)
Plan for India so far:
I am planning to get there and just chill for the weekend, find some decent cockroach-free accommodation and acclimatise a bit. Then on Monday I shall start work. My plan tomorrow is to refine this a bit. Can't believe we are off on Weds!
x J
Friday, 10 July 2009
I'm such a dolt
What is a dolt?! Well, from what I understand of the word, I am one.
I had my existential (in the work-sense only!) crisis, then went to my desk to start a plan only to realise that I had actually planned it all as I went through the reading. Idiot. As I read each article and report I added the title of it to my brainstorm and a list of its main points, so when I come back from India I can just look at that and immediately know who said what. So instead of writing this out again in longhand which is the task I set myself (and found myself unable) to do, I wrote out the main points of my abstract (a lifesaver this abstract, keeps me focussed and on course - and reminds regularly of what this whole enterprise is meant to be about) which were about 6, and then for each listed evidence I would use to illuminate the argument. This drew together the various sources I am using, as I have notes from way back in Feb/March when I started thinking about this idea, as well as other theses from my PhD that I would like to put in. Now it is a pretty messy but coherent plan and each point is backed up with discursive evidence, it has a theoretical focus, and an extended reading list should I need to read more when I get back.
Apart from searing the information into my memory a la clockwork orange so I don't dare to forget it, there is not much more I can do at this point apart from write the blasted thing. Which, you know, having the days I do I *could* start, but it would be a mistake. On my return to this work I will need to read through the notes again (arg, my most hated task ever, re-reading notes of books etc), add stuff to the plan and make sure it makes sense, commit the main stuff to memory (from shear repetition while reading) and then write it. I shall have 6 weeks in total to write it, but only 5 weeks should I want my Sup to read it, and only 4 weeks if I take into consideration the first week of head bashing that will inevitably take place when I come back.
I don't think it will be ok, but I think it is the best that I can manage for now (which is usually just about ok).
So, for the rest of the day I shall tidy up my desk and notes so they are accessible when I come back, probably peruse a few of the refs I neglected to put on my original brainstorm as I put them away, and realise I have missed out a whole swathe of literature or something equally as horrible and sh*t myself again.
x J
I had my existential (in the work-sense only!) crisis, then went to my desk to start a plan only to realise that I had actually planned it all as I went through the reading. Idiot. As I read each article and report I added the title of it to my brainstorm and a list of its main points, so when I come back from India I can just look at that and immediately know who said what. So instead of writing this out again in longhand which is the task I set myself (and found myself unable) to do, I wrote out the main points of my abstract (a lifesaver this abstract, keeps me focussed and on course - and reminds regularly of what this whole enterprise is meant to be about) which were about 6, and then for each listed evidence I would use to illuminate the argument. This drew together the various sources I am using, as I have notes from way back in Feb/March when I started thinking about this idea, as well as other theses from my PhD that I would like to put in. Now it is a pretty messy but coherent plan and each point is backed up with discursive evidence, it has a theoretical focus, and an extended reading list should I need to read more when I get back.
Apart from searing the information into my memory a la clockwork orange so I don't dare to forget it, there is not much more I can do at this point apart from write the blasted thing. Which, you know, having the days I do I *could* start, but it would be a mistake. On my return to this work I will need to read through the notes again (arg, my most hated task ever, re-reading notes of books etc), add stuff to the plan and make sure it makes sense, commit the main stuff to memory (from shear repetition while reading) and then write it. I shall have 6 weeks in total to write it, but only 5 weeks should I want my Sup to read it, and only 4 weeks if I take into consideration the first week of head bashing that will inevitably take place when I come back.
I don't think it will be ok, but I think it is the best that I can manage for now (which is usually just about ok).
So, for the rest of the day I shall tidy up my desk and notes so they are accessible when I come back, probably peruse a few of the refs I neglected to put on my original brainstorm as I put them away, and realise I have missed out a whole swathe of literature or something equally as horrible and sh*t myself again.
x J
Bah
I am really cross with myself and think this will continue to be the status quo, rather than any kind of catalyst for change. Which makes me really, really cross.
I don't know why I am being so slack. I am so embarrassed and ashamed, and cross and annoyed and yet all I seem to do about it is stare into space. What is this?! Yesterday I did... zilch. I was bored. I read the internet allllll day. I did nothing. Today I am knackered but have had some coffee, a shower and breakfast. I can't go for a swim because I am too tired and too lazy. So I set about working. I start a brainstorm. I then wandered off at some point and ended up back at the laptop I had banned myself from.
I would say maybe I need some time off, but I really have had nearly all week off. Not 'off' off, obviously, but not productive, so not working, so 'off'. I have got very little to do - I just have to make the arguments I have follow a coherent order, and match them to the reading sources I have done. Then when I come back from India all I have to do is join the dots and ta da! Paper done. Why won't I do this?! It feels like when I am skiving because I have lots of time in front of me and no sense of urgency. I hate this feeling, I hate sitting around doing nothing and yet I cannot compel myself to work when I feel I 'don't need to'. I threaten myself and try and scare myself with thoughts of when Beanie is here and how much I will regret my slackness, how much work I have to do, how much better I would feel later if I did some. But the first two are so abstract as to be meaningless, and the latter does make me feel like I want to work... but then I will forget I haven't done any work the moment I fall asleep (again, is my new thing) in front of the simpsons at 6pm. So that won't matter either.
It's so depressing. BUT, on the other hand - does it *really* matter? If I am trying to fool myself into working, is there the other side of the coin that means maybe I don't *have* to work, and that is why I am, well, not?! Or, is there other work I could do for a while, to break up the monotony for a bit?
Answers:
Actually, it doesn't *really* matter, I have Saturday (shan't work as is actual day off (!)); Sunday (might work but will probably do India stuff); Monday (am going into town to do last minute jobs for India - Superdrug mainly); and Tuesday - the last day, the day when all will be packed and ready to go (because I am being ridiculously organised, even for me) when I shall start feeling the pressure and should really knuckle down and just get this done so I can go away feeling relaxed about what I am coming back to. OR I will be all jittery and excitable and not get anything done, which is my biggest fear.
I think I feel really guilty about the fact that I only do what is *needed*, no more, no less. But then I saw my Sup yesterday and again have the feeling that this set-up clearly works, I am doing my PhD, I am making progress, I am on target for deadlines and stuff. And you can only do what you can do. It is not possible to work every day from 9-5 like an academic drone (is it?!!). I don't go anywhere or do anything all week, I just sit at my desk and work, on my own. I don't have coffee breaks, I barely have a lunch break, and I don't talk to a soul except DB and the postman. So even though I skive a *lot* I also work and think a lot. My Sup has never once made the slightest noise about me not achieving enough, in fact I am one of the best in the dept by all acounts (I know, I don't get it either). And maybe the fact that each day I don't work I feel terrible about it is part of working and being motivated.
Am not motivated though, I am just terribly, terribly bored. I have been sat at that stupid desk every day since the end of March. I did have a couple of days off for Cornwall. That makes over three months without any change of scenary. Maybe that's just it then. Is time for a break, a new scene (am sick of my desk and the window and ug, all of it!) and a refreshed brain. I know if I wasn't going to India this week I would be off to my Ma's in Spain instead, I really feel that urge for a break. But then you have to finish the work to go on the break and it is sooooooo hard! I don't wanna, I want to go on my break NOW!!! Though it isn't a break, is just a different type of stress. Great.
Hehe.
Well, having thought that through I am off to get a cup of tea that I don't want but feel makes an important prop, and I am going to make myself work. NO LAPTOP!!
x J
I don't know why I am being so slack. I am so embarrassed and ashamed, and cross and annoyed and yet all I seem to do about it is stare into space. What is this?! Yesterday I did... zilch. I was bored. I read the internet allllll day. I did nothing. Today I am knackered but have had some coffee, a shower and breakfast. I can't go for a swim because I am too tired and too lazy. So I set about working. I start a brainstorm. I then wandered off at some point and ended up back at the laptop I had banned myself from.
I would say maybe I need some time off, but I really have had nearly all week off. Not 'off' off, obviously, but not productive, so not working, so 'off'. I have got very little to do - I just have to make the arguments I have follow a coherent order, and match them to the reading sources I have done. Then when I come back from India all I have to do is join the dots and ta da! Paper done. Why won't I do this?! It feels like when I am skiving because I have lots of time in front of me and no sense of urgency. I hate this feeling, I hate sitting around doing nothing and yet I cannot compel myself to work when I feel I 'don't need to'. I threaten myself and try and scare myself with thoughts of when Beanie is here and how much I will regret my slackness, how much work I have to do, how much better I would feel later if I did some. But the first two are so abstract as to be meaningless, and the latter does make me feel like I want to work... but then I will forget I haven't done any work the moment I fall asleep (again, is my new thing) in front of the simpsons at 6pm. So that won't matter either.
It's so depressing. BUT, on the other hand - does it *really* matter? If I am trying to fool myself into working, is there the other side of the coin that means maybe I don't *have* to work, and that is why I am, well, not?! Or, is there other work I could do for a while, to break up the monotony for a bit?
Answers:
Actually, it doesn't *really* matter, I have Saturday (shan't work as is actual day off (!)); Sunday (might work but will probably do India stuff); Monday (am going into town to do last minute jobs for India - Superdrug mainly); and Tuesday - the last day, the day when all will be packed and ready to go (because I am being ridiculously organised, even for me) when I shall start feeling the pressure and should really knuckle down and just get this done so I can go away feeling relaxed about what I am coming back to. OR I will be all jittery and excitable and not get anything done, which is my biggest fear.
I think I feel really guilty about the fact that I only do what is *needed*, no more, no less. But then I saw my Sup yesterday and again have the feeling that this set-up clearly works, I am doing my PhD, I am making progress, I am on target for deadlines and stuff. And you can only do what you can do. It is not possible to work every day from 9-5 like an academic drone (is it?!!). I don't go anywhere or do anything all week, I just sit at my desk and work, on my own. I don't have coffee breaks, I barely have a lunch break, and I don't talk to a soul except DB and the postman. So even though I skive a *lot* I also work and think a lot. My Sup has never once made the slightest noise about me not achieving enough, in fact I am one of the best in the dept by all acounts (I know, I don't get it either). And maybe the fact that each day I don't work I feel terrible about it is part of working and being motivated.
Am not motivated though, I am just terribly, terribly bored. I have been sat at that stupid desk every day since the end of March. I did have a couple of days off for Cornwall. That makes over three months without any change of scenary. Maybe that's just it then. Is time for a break, a new scene (am sick of my desk and the window and ug, all of it!) and a refreshed brain. I know if I wasn't going to India this week I would be off to my Ma's in Spain instead, I really feel that urge for a break. But then you have to finish the work to go on the break and it is sooooooo hard! I don't wanna, I want to go on my break NOW!!! Though it isn't a break, is just a different type of stress. Great.
Hehe.
Well, having thought that through I am off to get a cup of tea that I don't want but feel makes an important prop, and I am going to make myself work. NO LAPTOP!!
x J
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Good news!
Ah 'tis a good day.
I met my Sup in the car park as arranged, signed my form and we had a wee chat about how my work is going. Told him about Kuna (the RA) and we agreed that the fieldwork is mostly about getting an *impression* (as have no time for intrepid ethnographic researching) and is only a third of the empirical evidence for my thesis, the rest is discourses (that i halready have and have analysed). So with a bit of padding and some more time there (next three weeks) all should be well, with or without Kuna. So yay!! Am so pleased about this; much, much more relaxed and less pressured. I shall go to India, chill for a couple of days then start wandering around and talking to people in order to gain this impression of their experiences of the aid-effort. Twill be grand.
We also talked about the conference paper I am doing, I told him how many original sources I had read so far and asked if I should read more and he say nooooo. Yaya! I confessed I had started to look out of the window when trying to read which generally meant I had read enough and he chuckled and agreed, so brilliant - I shall start planning and collating together the thoughts I have noted down. He also said that the presentation is only going to be 10 minutes and just to present my paper, as in - these are some ideas, take them or leave them - and then all is done! We can do that (as in me and Beanie who by then shall be very much in attendance). No worries. And the paper I am writing for the 15 Sept only needs to be a draft, it doesn't need to be written to the poshest most best referenced standards! PHEW!! In needs to be coherent and readable of course, but not to a completely anal standard.
All three of these bits of info are priceless and my blood pressure has dropped to normal. I am happy! I am fine! I can do this!! I am SOOOOOOO pleased!!!! Am going to have a bacon buttie to celebrate!!
What a great half an hour.
So am off now to skive a bit and celebrate my new-found freedom and work out where this paper is heading. Then I shall be free for India! I realised last night that even if I wanted to do more reading I just haven't the head space any more. I am a lot less cross and frustrated though which is marvellous.
I ought to go for a swim too...
We 15 weeks preggers today! Wooty!
x J
I met my Sup in the car park as arranged, signed my form and we had a wee chat about how my work is going. Told him about Kuna (the RA) and we agreed that the fieldwork is mostly about getting an *impression* (as have no time for intrepid ethnographic researching) and is only a third of the empirical evidence for my thesis, the rest is discourses (that i halready have and have analysed). So with a bit of padding and some more time there (next three weeks) all should be well, with or without Kuna. So yay!! Am so pleased about this; much, much more relaxed and less pressured. I shall go to India, chill for a couple of days then start wandering around and talking to people in order to gain this impression of their experiences of the aid-effort. Twill be grand.
We also talked about the conference paper I am doing, I told him how many original sources I had read so far and asked if I should read more and he say nooooo. Yaya! I confessed I had started to look out of the window when trying to read which generally meant I had read enough and he chuckled and agreed, so brilliant - I shall start planning and collating together the thoughts I have noted down. He also said that the presentation is only going to be 10 minutes and just to present my paper, as in - these are some ideas, take them or leave them - and then all is done! We can do that (as in me and Beanie who by then shall be very much in attendance). No worries. And the paper I am writing for the 15 Sept only needs to be a draft, it doesn't need to be written to the poshest most best referenced standards! PHEW!! In needs to be coherent and readable of course, but not to a completely anal standard.
All three of these bits of info are priceless and my blood pressure has dropped to normal. I am happy! I am fine! I can do this!! I am SOOOOOOO pleased!!!! Am going to have a bacon buttie to celebrate!!
What a great half an hour.
So am off now to skive a bit and celebrate my new-found freedom and work out where this paper is heading. Then I shall be free for India! I realised last night that even if I wanted to do more reading I just haven't the head space any more. I am a lot less cross and frustrated though which is marvellous.
I ought to go for a swim too...
We 15 weeks preggers today! Wooty!
x J
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
The rage has passed!
Ok everyone can come out from their hiding places now, the rage has passed!
Am generally feeling a lot calmer about India and the RA situ and the work - everything has slotted into perspective a bit. Still so much to do and today I did nothing but fret to be honest. I also realised that I have been trying to get myself to read reports that, yes, I do need to read, but not necessarily right now, and instead I would rather start working with the knowledge and ideas I already have while I can and they are fresh in my mind - and I know which notes they pertain to!
Tomorrow I have a 9.20am meeting with my Sup - in a car park over the road! He is popping by for me to sign a form for my ESRC grant and then off to his sports massage appt (!) - is the hols so we keep missing each other as he is not around much. After this comically furtive meet I shall come home, eat a good brekky, NOT turn the laptop on - and get planning. Then I shall go swimming and release some energy (not that I have much considering I have just awoken from an impromptu nap - with a sore throat bizarrely...) and all in all it will be a GOOD DAY.
Here's hoping!
x J
Am generally feeling a lot calmer about India and the RA situ and the work - everything has slotted into perspective a bit. Still so much to do and today I did nothing but fret to be honest. I also realised that I have been trying to get myself to read reports that, yes, I do need to read, but not necessarily right now, and instead I would rather start working with the knowledge and ideas I already have while I can and they are fresh in my mind - and I know which notes they pertain to!
Tomorrow I have a 9.20am meeting with my Sup - in a car park over the road! He is popping by for me to sign a form for my ESRC grant and then off to his sports massage appt (!) - is the hols so we keep missing each other as he is not around much. After this comically furtive meet I shall come home, eat a good brekky, NOT turn the laptop on - and get planning. Then I shall go swimming and release some energy (not that I have much considering I have just awoken from an impromptu nap - with a sore throat bizarrely...) and all in all it will be a GOOD DAY.
Here's hoping!
x J
Stressed
I am stressed. There is not much else to say! I am a bear with a sore head. I am irritable. I am the Grouch.
I have so much work to do but am being so distracted by money worries, travel and accommodation worries, clothing worries, RA worries (yes I had another email proving what a dolt he is being and my WORD he winds me up - if he hasn't understood why doesn't he SAY, don't just nod your head and agree with me stupid man) and just STUFF. I am sure I am just in a whirlwind that will work itself out as I also seem to be worried about things I can't control like books I ordered last week and emails I am waiting on to confirm things. I can't do anything about these things yet they are on my 'to-do' list of things to (worry about) do before next Wednesday when we leave for India. Daft mare.
I honestly am really looking forward to being stuck on a plane for hours with nothing to do but eat, watch naff films on those little teles, sleep, play scrabble and read. The plane journey will be my holiday I reckon!!! :0P
Am going to settle into doing some blinkin reading and at least try and ameliorate one of my concerns! Really should take myself off and do some exercise and get out of the house but I just don't have the time.
Oh good news though - I got my maternity tankini (! stupid word!) through in the post this morning and it's fab, plenty of room for me and bean - which is more than can be said for much of my wardrobe atm!!! And we got our first purchase for Bean, a little Beanie hat (is as far as our imaginations can stretch at this point!) which is just the cutest and I haven't let go of it yet - is like my talisman against all this worry and shite!!
Ug. Roll on maternity leave... ;0P
x J
I have so much work to do but am being so distracted by money worries, travel and accommodation worries, clothing worries, RA worries (yes I had another email proving what a dolt he is being and my WORD he winds me up - if he hasn't understood why doesn't he SAY, don't just nod your head and agree with me stupid man) and just STUFF. I am sure I am just in a whirlwind that will work itself out as I also seem to be worried about things I can't control like books I ordered last week and emails I am waiting on to confirm things. I can't do anything about these things yet they are on my 'to-do' list of things to (worry about) do before next Wednesday when we leave for India. Daft mare.
I honestly am really looking forward to being stuck on a plane for hours with nothing to do but eat, watch naff films on those little teles, sleep, play scrabble and read. The plane journey will be my holiday I reckon!!! :0P
Am going to settle into doing some blinkin reading and at least try and ameliorate one of my concerns! Really should take myself off and do some exercise and get out of the house but I just don't have the time.
Oh good news though - I got my maternity tankini (! stupid word!) through in the post this morning and it's fab, plenty of room for me and bean - which is more than can be said for much of my wardrobe atm!!! And we got our first purchase for Bean, a little Beanie hat (is as far as our imaginations can stretch at this point!) which is just the cutest and I haven't let go of it yet - is like my talisman against all this worry and shite!!
Ug. Roll on maternity leave... ;0P
x J
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Sloping off...
I am sloping off now for some tele and duvet action (without a duvet unfortunately)...
Am knackered!! Midwife appts always take it out of me, they are quite stressful and then so exhilarating when everything is ok! I heard bean again and am just so happy. Got lots of advice for India which I know anyway, but is nice to know I know.
I haven't done as much reading today as I hoped, but I have done quite a bit, plus dealing with my RA and working out what to do in India now plan A is down the drain took up quite a bit of energy. Tomorrow I shall speed through lots of reports and go for a swim. I want to have the reading done by the weekend so I can write up the plan in time to finish it all on Monday and plan and pack for India - on Wednesday!
Must go and hide!
x J
Am knackered!! Midwife appts always take it out of me, they are quite stressful and then so exhilarating when everything is ok! I heard bean again and am just so happy. Got lots of advice for India which I know anyway, but is nice to know I know.
I haven't done as much reading today as I hoped, but I have done quite a bit, plus dealing with my RA and working out what to do in India now plan A is down the drain took up quite a bit of energy. Tomorrow I shall speed through lots of reports and go for a swim. I want to have the reading done by the weekend so I can write up the plan in time to finish it all on Monday and plan and pack for India - on Wednesday!
Must go and hide!
x J
Oh. My. God.
It is worse than I thought.
I emailed my RA yesterday to ask definitively if he wants me to bring a tape recorder out with me and if he will then have time to complete the interviews during the time I am in India. I get an email back today and it sits there in my inbox and I open it with dread and beating heart - a common side-effect to much of our recent correspondance I am afraid to say. And in it he has put that I will need to bring a tape recorder out with me and that he has some 'friends' that we can meet for a 'group discussion' and apparently we can do the two in one day and, lucky me, he will prepare the material for the discussion.
I say this: I don't want to interview his 'friends'. I don't want to interview them at all - that is what I am paying him to do. I don't want to do TWO interviews, in one day or a gazillion days, I want to do ten at least. And I don't want him to prepare any material - I emailed him the questionnnaire and details of how to carry out the interviews a MONTH ago.
I am going spare. He hasn't read anything I have sent him, it is obvious. He has just decided to do two interviews, with me (what's the naffing point?!) and decided to do some material WHAT?!
I am sooooo frustrated. The bright side is that I may get two discussions out of it. The shite side is that he is my only basket, he carries all my eggs in it, and he is driving me mental. I need to get out there, NOW and talk to him and he will tell me it isn't possible to do anythihng I want - which is fine as long as I know! I will struggle not to get angry and just ditch him altogether. In so many ways having him as my RA is such a pain as I will be tied in to him for the duration and will have to spend time with him for niceties, eating local food (which I juse shouldn't eat as I am completely allergic to it as we all know!) and teaching English and wasting a lot of research time and just hating it - I hate schmoozing and using people (I won't enjoy it and will just be there for research purposes, ergo I am using them). In a way maybe I could do these two interviews with him then go off and completely do my own thing, in my own time, with people I come across and choose for myself. It is clear that he is not going to be going and talking to people in villages that he works with, like I hoped. Instead he is hand-picking a few 'friends' to talk to. He wants to do a PhD for goodness sake! He has a Masters in social work and has, apparently, done research! Jeeez.
In a way I suppose at least now I know the dreaded truth, have probably known it all along. I just didn't count on him a) not reading anything I have sent him but pretending he has and b) not having any common sense - let alone initiative to help shape and inform the work! HA!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Workwise though, everything is grand! I have finished my first reading and now have another 10 reports to read which will take my total to nearly 40 which will be great. I would feel confident that I have a general impression of the discourses with 40 reports. Only issue is that they are BIG nasty reports and I have to read them on my laptop instead of on paper. I will have to be so stern with myself so I don't wander off and end up on facebook or something.
I am sooo disappointed. I didn't have the highest hopes, but didn't think he would be this stupid either. Why didn't he just *tell me* he couldn't help me?! Why didn't he tell me he didn't understand?! Worryingly, I think he thinks he does understand. Hmmpph.
Ok, *dust self down*, plan B. Do not rely on Kuna, do the interviews he has set up and go with anything else he can do - once we have spoken face-to-face he will understand better and I will know for once and for all where I stand. It is only a week away. I will go out and just talk to who I can and their families and wander round and make it up as I go along. I will be able to do things in my own time, to my own tune - and this actually relaxes me more than the thought of having to dance to Kuna's. It can only get better eh?!! I have all the info I need, have done all the questions - all I need is people to talk to. I can do this! And if I can send Kuna out to talk to people all the better. It will be fine.
Back to the reports. Sweet, predicatable reports. And self-reliance. Sweet control. I'll never give you away again!
x J
I emailed my RA yesterday to ask definitively if he wants me to bring a tape recorder out with me and if he will then have time to complete the interviews during the time I am in India. I get an email back today and it sits there in my inbox and I open it with dread and beating heart - a common side-effect to much of our recent correspondance I am afraid to say. And in it he has put that I will need to bring a tape recorder out with me and that he has some 'friends' that we can meet for a 'group discussion' and apparently we can do the two in one day and, lucky me, he will prepare the material for the discussion.
I say this: I don't want to interview his 'friends'. I don't want to interview them at all - that is what I am paying him to do. I don't want to do TWO interviews, in one day or a gazillion days, I want to do ten at least. And I don't want him to prepare any material - I emailed him the questionnnaire and details of how to carry out the interviews a MONTH ago.
I am going spare. He hasn't read anything I have sent him, it is obvious. He has just decided to do two interviews, with me (what's the naffing point?!) and decided to do some material WHAT?!
I am sooooo frustrated. The bright side is that I may get two discussions out of it. The shite side is that he is my only basket, he carries all my eggs in it, and he is driving me mental. I need to get out there, NOW and talk to him and he will tell me it isn't possible to do anythihng I want - which is fine as long as I know! I will struggle not to get angry and just ditch him altogether. In so many ways having him as my RA is such a pain as I will be tied in to him for the duration and will have to spend time with him for niceties, eating local food (which I juse shouldn't eat as I am completely allergic to it as we all know!) and teaching English and wasting a lot of research time and just hating it - I hate schmoozing and using people (I won't enjoy it and will just be there for research purposes, ergo I am using them). In a way maybe I could do these two interviews with him then go off and completely do my own thing, in my own time, with people I come across and choose for myself. It is clear that he is not going to be going and talking to people in villages that he works with, like I hoped. Instead he is hand-picking a few 'friends' to talk to. He wants to do a PhD for goodness sake! He has a Masters in social work and has, apparently, done research! Jeeez.
In a way I suppose at least now I know the dreaded truth, have probably known it all along. I just didn't count on him a) not reading anything I have sent him but pretending he has and b) not having any common sense - let alone initiative to help shape and inform the work! HA!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Workwise though, everything is grand! I have finished my first reading and now have another 10 reports to read which will take my total to nearly 40 which will be great. I would feel confident that I have a general impression of the discourses with 40 reports. Only issue is that they are BIG nasty reports and I have to read them on my laptop instead of on paper. I will have to be so stern with myself so I don't wander off and end up on facebook or something.
I am sooo disappointed. I didn't have the highest hopes, but didn't think he would be this stupid either. Why didn't he just *tell me* he couldn't help me?! Why didn't he tell me he didn't understand?! Worryingly, I think he thinks he does understand. Hmmpph.
Ok, *dust self down*, plan B. Do not rely on Kuna, do the interviews he has set up and go with anything else he can do - once we have spoken face-to-face he will understand better and I will know for once and for all where I stand. It is only a week away. I will go out and just talk to who I can and their families and wander round and make it up as I go along. I will be able to do things in my own time, to my own tune - and this actually relaxes me more than the thought of having to dance to Kuna's. It can only get better eh?!! I have all the info I need, have done all the questions - all I need is people to talk to. I can do this! And if I can send Kuna out to talk to people all the better. It will be fine.
Back to the reports. Sweet, predicatable reports. And self-reliance. Sweet control. I'll never give you away again!
x J
Monday, 6 July 2009
What a day!
Today has been so surreal!
I swear only half of my brain is here. I have read loads and am nearly at the end of the main reading I have to do - 27 sources of political reports and articles - and yet today I feel I have done nothing, my brain is stupid.
I didn't give up working until half six but by then I was just worrying (yes, even more if that is possible) and trying to check I had read everything which really I do know, but I can't access my memory. Is the pregnancy I think, making me a bit dumb. Tomorrow I should be tip-top! (I hope!)
Tomorrow I shall finish this last big report and then I shall look at all the ideas and info I have got so far and see where it is getting me - is it providing the evidence I need for my argument? Has it influenced my argument - is my original thesis proved or disproved? And maybe I can even get some kind of plan out of it. Then I shall check around the internet to make sure I haven't missed any vital, new sources. I still need to do reading for recent books and journal articles on my topic (the literature review never ends eh?!) and how these may influence my thesis - it may been have already been written about!! And then I need to make sure I am definitely up to date with the reports or else I will be murdered at the presentation.
It will be ok. itwillbeokitwillbeokitwillbeok...
Am now switching the laptop OFF and watching corrie and soothing my nerves with some fish and chips.
It's what the Bean wants!
Oh and midwife appointment tomorrow. I can't wait until it is over and we have heard beanie's heartbeat again and I can feel relaxed that all is ok.
x J
I swear only half of my brain is here. I have read loads and am nearly at the end of the main reading I have to do - 27 sources of political reports and articles - and yet today I feel I have done nothing, my brain is stupid.
I didn't give up working until half six but by then I was just worrying (yes, even more if that is possible) and trying to check I had read everything which really I do know, but I can't access my memory. Is the pregnancy I think, making me a bit dumb. Tomorrow I should be tip-top! (I hope!)
Tomorrow I shall finish this last big report and then I shall look at all the ideas and info I have got so far and see where it is getting me - is it providing the evidence I need for my argument? Has it influenced my argument - is my original thesis proved or disproved? And maybe I can even get some kind of plan out of it. Then I shall check around the internet to make sure I haven't missed any vital, new sources. I still need to do reading for recent books and journal articles on my topic (the literature review never ends eh?!) and how these may influence my thesis - it may been have already been written about!! And then I need to make sure I am definitely up to date with the reports or else I will be murdered at the presentation.
It will be ok. itwillbeokitwillbeokitwillbeok...
Am now switching the laptop OFF and watching corrie and soothing my nerves with some fish and chips.
It's what the Bean wants!
Oh and midwife appointment tomorrow. I can't wait until it is over and we have heard beanie's heartbeat again and I can feel relaxed that all is ok.
x J
Grouchy
I'm grouchy today. I don't know why but everything is making me narked and not much is cheering me up.
Maybe I should eat some rubbish for dinner, that would cheer me up. Normally I would get drunk if I felt like this, have some cider and fags and chats with lovely DB. Instead I am working away, have worked so hard today, and feeling quite horrible. It may have something to do with the midwife appt we have tomorrow, all appts to do with Bean make me worried in case they find something wrong. And work is stressful as I whined on about last night. And India looming next week - I emailed my RA just now actually to ask him a) if I need to bring a tpe recorder out with me next week (as he hasn't told me yet) and b) if he thinks he can do the interviews before i leave India at the beginning of August. I don't wnt him vanishing on holiday or something! Who knows?! Not I - a large part of my frustration.
I wonder if I am just being stressy about all of this now and then it will peak, and just dissipate as I generally find solutions. I don't seem to have any coping mechanism in place atm, am just fretful.
Oh well! It will be fine. I have no specific problem I can think of (just lots of ongoing concerns) and certainly no solution, except to try and ignore the worry and plug on with the work.
Onwards!
x J
Maybe I should eat some rubbish for dinner, that would cheer me up. Normally I would get drunk if I felt like this, have some cider and fags and chats with lovely DB. Instead I am working away, have worked so hard today, and feeling quite horrible. It may have something to do with the midwife appt we have tomorrow, all appts to do with Bean make me worried in case they find something wrong. And work is stressful as I whined on about last night. And India looming next week - I emailed my RA just now actually to ask him a) if I need to bring a tpe recorder out with me next week (as he hasn't told me yet) and b) if he thinks he can do the interviews before i leave India at the beginning of August. I don't wnt him vanishing on holiday or something! Who knows?! Not I - a large part of my frustration.
I wonder if I am just being stressy about all of this now and then it will peak, and just dissipate as I generally find solutions. I don't seem to have any coping mechanism in place atm, am just fretful.
Oh well! It will be fine. I have no specific problem I can think of (just lots of ongoing concerns) and certainly no solution, except to try and ignore the worry and plug on with the work.
Onwards!
x J
Sunday, 5 July 2009
Full of Dread
I am getting really stressed out with work. You can tell because it is 11pm on Sunday night and I am on here whining about it when I should be enjoying the last few moments of the weekend...
I have had a lovely weekend, doing absolutely nothing except wandering aroung the house doing the odd chore and eating terrible but yumptious food... But there, in the back of my mind, has been my PhD, worries whirring and gaining momentum until POP! This evening, I thought about what I have to do in the next few months and a lurch of dread heaved and settled in my stomach...
Ug. I am dreading India, I am dreading the work, the interviews, the heat, the worry and the whole lack of control that is doing fieldwork. This type of work, that unfolds in front of you and that is entirely organic, is so at odds with the work I have been doing in the UK which is very tightly controlled, meticulous in detail and focus - from the scope of the reading to the references. I prefer this, I work well with it. But fieldwork bah. And I really want to enjoy India, to get something out of it, but feel I will spend the whole time feeling claustrophobic and horribly guilty if I am not out tracking down people to badger and get to talk to me. When I don't want to to talk to them! Arg! I am a terrible researcher, I am waaaaaaay too shy. I know I should take it one step at a time, one thing at a time, but I can't help but think about all of it in one go - the whole three weeks of trying to interview, trying to avoid interviewing, and trying to get my RA to help me. And all whilst trying to avoid doing any volunteering - I really don't want to waste time doing that over the three weeks. And trying to avoid the local food without being rude to potential interviewees! And trying to avoid local transport (too hot, too squashed, too bumpy - I was normal once but now I am a really sensitive Bean-carrier and my adventurous spirit has gone to ground, for at least a year...) Oh I whine. But I worry.
AND THEN, I have this journal paper! For a massively famous international journal! On a topic and with a thesis I have barely researched but in a fit of madness wrote an abstract for and handed in! I will work very hard until Monday next, then will have to leave it to concentrate on packing and planning for India. But until then I am working *really* hard, and aim to have some kind of plan written to send to my Sup and get inital feedback on the potential of it to work on when I come back. This is a good plan. But I am so scared. It has to be at least 7,000wds. What if I don't have 7,000 words?! And THEN it is in on the 15 Sept - and I have the presentation - at an international conference, a month later. I am dreading it already! I am terrified! I can't present! I haven't even been to a conference yet! (I know, I am a terrible academic and yes I also wonder how I got on this course and got funding! All I can say is that I love my topic and subject, but hate everything else!) ARG!
I am a stresshead. It is not that I tink I can't do it, it is that I know I *have* to do it that is terrifying! I don't know how. I just don't know. *Holds head in hands*
Another fine mess I have got us into...
Thinking of doing a PhD?!! DON'T!!! Get a nice desk job! Go on nice holidays that don't mean interviewing anyone! Go to conferences that mean you don't need to present!
Although I say this, but when I have gone to India and got info and finally completed that part of the research, when I have written and been published (a lifelong dream, I have always wanted to be a published writer), and when I have presented and got through it without dying on the spot, when it is October the 19th and I have got through *all* of this and finally, finally I can exhale without feeling sick... WOW. That's one thing about not being allowed to stand still for long with a PhD- you have to keep achieving whether you like it or not... And then my darling baby in Dec/Jan. What a year. Mental.
Tomorrow I am not putting on the laptop and will work my butt off reading the last of these papers, then in the week I will review where I am on the plan of ideas I have been keeping as I go along, then will find out my second stage of report reading. Then I need to read the critical literature around my topic, and add my own thoughts. Then we are pretty much there.
Oh god I am so scared!!!
x J
I have had a lovely weekend, doing absolutely nothing except wandering aroung the house doing the odd chore and eating terrible but yumptious food... But there, in the back of my mind, has been my PhD, worries whirring and gaining momentum until POP! This evening, I thought about what I have to do in the next few months and a lurch of dread heaved and settled in my stomach...
Ug. I am dreading India, I am dreading the work, the interviews, the heat, the worry and the whole lack of control that is doing fieldwork. This type of work, that unfolds in front of you and that is entirely organic, is so at odds with the work I have been doing in the UK which is very tightly controlled, meticulous in detail and focus - from the scope of the reading to the references. I prefer this, I work well with it. But fieldwork bah. And I really want to enjoy India, to get something out of it, but feel I will spend the whole time feeling claustrophobic and horribly guilty if I am not out tracking down people to badger and get to talk to me. When I don't want to to talk to them! Arg! I am a terrible researcher, I am waaaaaaay too shy. I know I should take it one step at a time, one thing at a time, but I can't help but think about all of it in one go - the whole three weeks of trying to interview, trying to avoid interviewing, and trying to get my RA to help me. And all whilst trying to avoid doing any volunteering - I really don't want to waste time doing that over the three weeks. And trying to avoid the local food without being rude to potential interviewees! And trying to avoid local transport (too hot, too squashed, too bumpy - I was normal once but now I am a really sensitive Bean-carrier and my adventurous spirit has gone to ground, for at least a year...) Oh I whine. But I worry.
AND THEN, I have this journal paper! For a massively famous international journal! On a topic and with a thesis I have barely researched but in a fit of madness wrote an abstract for and handed in! I will work very hard until Monday next, then will have to leave it to concentrate on packing and planning for India. But until then I am working *really* hard, and aim to have some kind of plan written to send to my Sup and get inital feedback on the potential of it to work on when I come back. This is a good plan. But I am so scared. It has to be at least 7,000wds. What if I don't have 7,000 words?! And THEN it is in on the 15 Sept - and I have the presentation - at an international conference, a month later. I am dreading it already! I am terrified! I can't present! I haven't even been to a conference yet! (I know, I am a terrible academic and yes I also wonder how I got on this course and got funding! All I can say is that I love my topic and subject, but hate everything else!) ARG!
I am a stresshead. It is not that I tink I can't do it, it is that I know I *have* to do it that is terrifying! I don't know how. I just don't know. *Holds head in hands*
Another fine mess I have got us into...
Thinking of doing a PhD?!! DON'T!!! Get a nice desk job! Go on nice holidays that don't mean interviewing anyone! Go to conferences that mean you don't need to present!
Although I say this, but when I have gone to India and got info and finally completed that part of the research, when I have written and been published (a lifelong dream, I have always wanted to be a published writer), and when I have presented and got through it without dying on the spot, when it is October the 19th and I have got through *all* of this and finally, finally I can exhale without feeling sick... WOW. That's one thing about not being allowed to stand still for long with a PhD- you have to keep achieving whether you like it or not... And then my darling baby in Dec/Jan. What a year. Mental.
Tomorrow I am not putting on the laptop and will work my butt off reading the last of these papers, then in the week I will review where I am on the plan of ideas I have been keeping as I go along, then will find out my second stage of report reading. Then I need to read the critical literature around my topic, and add my own thoughts. Then we are pretty much there.
Oh god I am so scared!!!
x J
Friday, 3 July 2009
endofWEEEEEK!
Phew! I am OFF! It is Friday! It is the end of the day! Hurrah!
I am finishing now because my concentration is zilch, my eyes are closing, and I have just finished a report to now start on a new, bigger one. May as well just leave it till Monday am than start it now.
Didn't get all the reports on my desk done, I have had quite a pocked afternoon of work and daydreaming I have to confess. It's Friday, what can I say.
I feel ok about it though, am well on the way to finishing these reports well before Friday next week, so as long as the deadline is being shortened instead of lengthened then, however lazy I am, I must be doing something right!
Hope you all have lovely weekends; I may be back during the weekend as I don't mind doing some work, but that may be the sweet intoxication of a weekend making me think I enjoy my work so much I'll do it in my time off!
Bah! Ahhhh, am going to lie down and watch the tennis. And do *nothing*. I have exercised, I have worked, my conscience is clear.
x J
I am finishing now because my concentration is zilch, my eyes are closing, and I have just finished a report to now start on a new, bigger one. May as well just leave it till Monday am than start it now.
Didn't get all the reports on my desk done, I have had quite a pocked afternoon of work and daydreaming I have to confess. It's Friday, what can I say.
I feel ok about it though, am well on the way to finishing these reports well before Friday next week, so as long as the deadline is being shortened instead of lengthened then, however lazy I am, I must be doing something right!
Hope you all have lovely weekends; I may be back during the weekend as I don't mind doing some work, but that may be the sweet intoxication of a weekend making me think I enjoy my work so much I'll do it in my time off!
Bah! Ahhhh, am going to lie down and watch the tennis. And do *nothing*. I have exercised, I have worked, my conscience is clear.
x J
SO predictable
I was working hard reading another report and needed to look on the internet to check my email and to look up some new references...
And then I went on facebook, hotmail, guardian, bla bla and haven't done any work since 11am. How ridiculous. I am pathetic! I have too much to do for all this!
I am now off to the pool in the pouring rain and shall return to my desk in about 1.5 hours - so 2pm at the latest. And I shall work until 5.30 and finish (hopefully) the reports on my desk and then on Monday can root around the internet for new ones, having had a break to resettle in my mind what exactly I am looking for. I do *not* want to be reading random reports on climate change which could easily happen (there are enough of them!), I need political responses to reports on climate change! I am looking at *policy*. Remember this (me, not you).
Off now then. Think a break will be good and the swim will stock up a nice calorie deficit for my mammoth Maccy dees session planned later to celebrate Sree getting kicked out of BB, the sexist get. I hate Macdonalds but about twice a year nothing else will do, and for being a nasty hypocrite I apologise - for being human, I do not. ;0)
Am only actually going swimming so I can see my spanking new beanie bump in the mirror. Very good incentive.
I am SOOOO tired. DB has a nasty cold and the sitting room smells of ill-person, it is vile. Can't help with my super sensitive nosey!
Laters!
x J
And then I went on facebook, hotmail, guardian, bla bla and haven't done any work since 11am. How ridiculous. I am pathetic! I have too much to do for all this!
I am now off to the pool in the pouring rain and shall return to my desk in about 1.5 hours - so 2pm at the latest. And I shall work until 5.30 and finish (hopefully) the reports on my desk and then on Monday can root around the internet for new ones, having had a break to resettle in my mind what exactly I am looking for. I do *not* want to be reading random reports on climate change which could easily happen (there are enough of them!), I need political responses to reports on climate change! I am looking at *policy*. Remember this (me, not you).
Off now then. Think a break will be good and the swim will stock up a nice calorie deficit for my mammoth Maccy dees session planned later to celebrate Sree getting kicked out of BB, the sexist get. I hate Macdonalds but about twice a year nothing else will do, and for being a nasty hypocrite I apologise - for being human, I do not. ;0)
Am only actually going swimming so I can see my spanking new beanie bump in the mirror. Very good incentive.
I am SOOOO tired. DB has a nasty cold and the sitting room smells of ill-person, it is vile. Can't help with my super sensitive nosey!
Laters!
x J
Thursday, 2 July 2009
Working! again. Is tiresome
Gah working is so boring! I have worked all day so well and just had to leave at 2 something, and run away and socialise online.
Was driving me potty. Am quite restless today which is fairly usual considering I worked hard and sat still for two whole days. Am going back up now, I am motoring through these reports and getting lots of info that I wanted to get so all good. Hope to have the reports all finished and read by the end of next week - with a weekend off thrown in. Can't be bad!
Have a horrible headache. Think may be either the weather (even though is lovely and sunny and hot it is quite 'heavy') or the Bean. Am giving up being so incredibly and stoically brave and getting out the paracetemol. No! I give in.
Heard from my fantastic Research Assistant! Who has done no research and is waiting for me to send him a tape recorder I think, as he asked if I had one yet. I certainly do, it is staring me right in the face as we speak but I am not posting it to India! How silly, it would a) be stolen or b) arrive after me! So I told him AGAIN to go and get one and I will reimburse him, or, I gave in and told him to hold his horses and wait till I come to India when he can borrow mine. I will probably buy him his own cheap one as bizarrley I am quite attached to mine even though I hate whatever it stands for (interviews yuk) and have hardly used it. But it's what it stands for - fieldwork and adventure and stuff. Hmmmm.
Not starting the work until I am there almost defeats the object but does mean we can talk through face-to-face what I want him to do, I am sure he probably doesn't know. Considering he thinks I am posting him a tape recorder when I explicitly asked if he could buy one and I will pay for it to which he never relpied (he never answers questions which is quite troublesome), and since he asks me every email when I am coming to India, to which I answer the 17 July as if it is the first time. Oh lordy. Well, I don't mind really, I have no expectations from this arrangemnt and the more confuddled and weird it is getting the better really. It was too good to be true that they would all be done and dusted by now. Will be good to be there as the interviews are unfolding, will give me a good focus each day and I can manipulate the questions according to the info as time goes on. Yes, so not so bad. Am still not going to the actual interviews though, am *sure* he will cope, and it really would be better to have a group acting like friends together, chatting, instead of interviews with the White NGO Worker watching and evaluating in the corner (yes me, even though am not an NGO worker, they will not believe me, trust me).
Is just a shame I think that he has this opportunity to take the research and run with it, to influence what the focus is, the questions, who is asked and why... on a project that he does all the time - it is his job, his charity's life. Yet there is none of it. He just takes what I say as 'right' and has no desire for any input at all, even though he is a social worker in the area and cares about it, is passionate about the aid-effort being inept, and wants to be a PhD student in the UK. I wonder if it resembles some kind of skewed power relationship or whether he really just doesn't care or thinks my project is fine. I don't know. But 'participatory' research is really quite complicated.
Back to reading! No sun for I, nay.
x J
Was driving me potty. Am quite restless today which is fairly usual considering I worked hard and sat still for two whole days. Am going back up now, I am motoring through these reports and getting lots of info that I wanted to get so all good. Hope to have the reports all finished and read by the end of next week - with a weekend off thrown in. Can't be bad!
Have a horrible headache. Think may be either the weather (even though is lovely and sunny and hot it is quite 'heavy') or the Bean. Am giving up being so incredibly and stoically brave and getting out the paracetemol. No! I give in.
Heard from my fantastic Research Assistant! Who has done no research and is waiting for me to send him a tape recorder I think, as he asked if I had one yet. I certainly do, it is staring me right in the face as we speak but I am not posting it to India! How silly, it would a) be stolen or b) arrive after me! So I told him AGAIN to go and get one and I will reimburse him, or, I gave in and told him to hold his horses and wait till I come to India when he can borrow mine. I will probably buy him his own cheap one as bizarrley I am quite attached to mine even though I hate whatever it stands for (interviews yuk) and have hardly used it. But it's what it stands for - fieldwork and adventure and stuff. Hmmmm.
Not starting the work until I am there almost defeats the object but does mean we can talk through face-to-face what I want him to do, I am sure he probably doesn't know. Considering he thinks I am posting him a tape recorder when I explicitly asked if he could buy one and I will pay for it to which he never relpied (he never answers questions which is quite troublesome), and since he asks me every email when I am coming to India, to which I answer the 17 July as if it is the first time. Oh lordy. Well, I don't mind really, I have no expectations from this arrangemnt and the more confuddled and weird it is getting the better really. It was too good to be true that they would all be done and dusted by now. Will be good to be there as the interviews are unfolding, will give me a good focus each day and I can manipulate the questions according to the info as time goes on. Yes, so not so bad. Am still not going to the actual interviews though, am *sure* he will cope, and it really would be better to have a group acting like friends together, chatting, instead of interviews with the White NGO Worker watching and evaluating in the corner (yes me, even though am not an NGO worker, they will not believe me, trust me).
Is just a shame I think that he has this opportunity to take the research and run with it, to influence what the focus is, the questions, who is asked and why... on a project that he does all the time - it is his job, his charity's life. Yet there is none of it. He just takes what I say as 'right' and has no desire for any input at all, even though he is a social worker in the area and cares about it, is passionate about the aid-effort being inept, and wants to be a PhD student in the UK. I wonder if it resembles some kind of skewed power relationship or whether he really just doesn't care or thinks my project is fine. I don't know. But 'participatory' research is really quite complicated.
Back to reading! No sun for I, nay.
x J
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Another good day
I worked really well today. Probably did a total of 6 hours solid reading at least.
Worked until 5.30 and didn't really feel like stopping but I have the house to myself and washing up etc to do so thought I would do that - instead of working myself to death today so tomorrow I end up feeling like I deserve a day off!! Nearly finished a big report and am on track to get all the reading I have to do at the mo done before India. Ideally I want to have the reading done and a plan and outline written so when I come back I can get into it ok... I know I will have forgotton everything and all the sources will have fallen out of my head which is a bit demoralising. I dread having to read it all *again*!
Think I ought to get endnote. I don't have a referencing system at the mo and endnote web seems to have disappeared (the free version) so probably will have to stump up for the proper one. Bah.
Tomorrow I am reading again... reading reading reading. I hope I finish the day feeling like I am making a dent in this work and then on Friday I shall read and go for a swim.
I am so hungry today! It's ridiculous!
x J
Worked until 5.30 and didn't really feel like stopping but I have the house to myself and washing up etc to do so thought I would do that - instead of working myself to death today so tomorrow I end up feeling like I deserve a day off!! Nearly finished a big report and am on track to get all the reading I have to do at the mo done before India. Ideally I want to have the reading done and a plan and outline written so when I come back I can get into it ok... I know I will have forgotton everything and all the sources will have fallen out of my head which is a bit demoralising. I dread having to read it all *again*!
Think I ought to get endnote. I don't have a referencing system at the mo and endnote web seems to have disappeared (the free version) so probably will have to stump up for the proper one. Bah.
Tomorrow I am reading again... reading reading reading. I hope I finish the day feeling like I am making a dent in this work and then on Friday I shall read and go for a swim.
I am so hungry today! It's ridiculous!
x J
Payday!
Thank god I have been paid! I spent so much money last month on flights and trains for india I had zero for most of it! Still brassic but better than nothing.
I have been working hard today! Started at 9.15 and worked until 10.30, then got some breakfast, paid my bills online (ug, lots) and read around the internet and am off back to work at 11.30. Will work until 1pm then get some lucn, then from 2pm until 5.30/6pm ish. Am reding a really good report which is throwing up all sorts of gems so am not as scared of being a dumbass as I was yesterday. Phew! Working is good! Is great as well because I am not badgering myself to go out swimming or worrying about money etc - I have a couple of quid to get a sanrie if I want one and went swimming yesterday so can chill about that.
Is lovely and warm where I am, none of that 'heatwave' business though. Just perfect temperature.
Righty, back to it!
x J
Ps: Have not heard from my RA for a couple of weeks. No news is good news?! At least he isn't asking to be paid! Eek!
I have been working hard today! Started at 9.15 and worked until 10.30, then got some breakfast, paid my bills online (ug, lots) and read around the internet and am off back to work at 11.30. Will work until 1pm then get some lucn, then from 2pm until 5.30/6pm ish. Am reding a really good report which is throwing up all sorts of gems so am not as scared of being a dumbass as I was yesterday. Phew! Working is good! Is great as well because I am not badgering myself to go out swimming or worrying about money etc - I have a couple of quid to get a sanrie if I want one and went swimming yesterday so can chill about that.
Is lovely and warm where I am, none of that 'heatwave' business though. Just perfect temperature.
Righty, back to it!
x J
Ps: Have not heard from my RA for a couple of weeks. No news is good news?! At least he isn't asking to be paid! Eek!
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