Did I work over the weekend? A bit.
Did I work this evening? A bit.
Oh dear. It isn't good enough! I have so much to do and am not doing it :0( In the evenings I am tired and still have house stuff to do... the weekend it is too noisy in our little cramped house (that I love). I wonder if I will get my act together. I am particularly stressed too because we are going away for five days to a friend's wedding down south (I am bridesmaid! Bridesmaid oh yes). Five whole days. It will be a month since I 'started' work when I get back and I would have done about 5 hours! Oh my God.
I need to pull my finger out, I only have 11 months left. ANd my reading list is getting longer and longer - which ironically I find really exciting and reassuring, and can't wait to get stuck into the reading. But, but, but.
Am going to go to bed and think and tomorrow I shall work :0) Maybe I need to set an amount of work to do, rather than a time? So I say, do this tonight/read this article. And then I do it and finish. Maybe that will be better. My time is so fractured between seeing to my baby who wakes a few times during the evening and needs a bit of comfort to settle again, between eatng and tidying up... I don;t just sit down and switch off at all. The only time I will be able to do this is weekends I reckon (as I get into it). And Friday afternoons I have too.
It didn't help that DB didn't get in until 6.30 tonight and I am meant to start work at 5. I am the kind of person that needs to start work when I say I am going to, or it sets off on a bad foot you know? DB can work anywhere, anytime. I can't. I am not very flexible! But I absolutely have to be or I will spoend the next 11 months waiting for a 'good time' to work!
Right, tomorrow I will work.
Ohhhh. I feel there is so much to do i don't know where to start!
At the beginning... find a paper, sit and read it, note refs, move on to the next one.
x J
Tuesday 28 September 2010
Wednesday 22 September 2010
Hmmm...
Sooo, I have stopped trying to work in the daytime and am now planning to work evenings and weekends! Tonight is my first night and so far I have been in bed for an hour of it with my baby who is seriously teething, bless him, and am posting here then off downstairs to eat dins and probably sit with my bubs who is now up and being cheered up by his father. Awww.
I decided to work in the evenings because daytimes are really needed by DB, as his work does need to be done in working hours, and he has never been so busy. It's such a nightmare, there's no way he can cut his hours. So it only makes sense that I work outside these hours and also when bubs is in bed. Because that is the other side of the story - I can't be in the same house as Bean and hear him cry and not intervene... I know this is Bad but it is physiological, hearing him cry sends my mum receptors wild and I am not an 'ignore him and leave him to cry' type at ALL. Anyway, all I do of an evening is watch tele and read (aka relaxing?!) so I will now work instead, then go downstairs and relax at about 10pm, though as work gains momentum I aim to work later than that. It is also ideal because it takes me a while to get into work and this way I am not wasting anyone's time by being useless and surfing the internet because I can't work out how to start my next section; and I can work for as long as I need to. The fab thing is as well, is that I have all day off with my son; to watch him grow and laugh with him :0) And go to baby groups and hang out with friends and no one is telling me I should be working. I hate morning working anyway, I'm too tired and lazy. I am a night owl - as anyone who has a vague knowledge of this blog knows ;0) Only problem is getting into it, it being late in the day and my brain naturally wants to think about eating something stodgy and sitting on my arse. And of course, what if my baby decides not to sleep... But he always sleeps is just tonight he is being a little weirdo :0)
Apart from my new working hours, yesterday I managed to plan out my lit review and to my huge satisfaction it is a) coming together and b) looks quite interesting. Only problem is the amount of work I have to do to revise and catch up on reading... eek! Sooooooo much! But I am reading solidly this week and the next two, then I shall see where I am at with it. Then I do hope to have finished the bulk of the reading I have to do. I do have planned to then work on a different chapter, but that seems daft as I will be ready to write up this one for at least the first draft.
Well, I better go. I don't think I am going to get any work done tonight but mainly because I don't think the PhD will collapse if I miss a day. Though saying that... To be honest, the baby has to come first but the PhD is a close second :0)
Till tomorrow then,
Night night!
x J
I decided to work in the evenings because daytimes are really needed by DB, as his work does need to be done in working hours, and he has never been so busy. It's such a nightmare, there's no way he can cut his hours. So it only makes sense that I work outside these hours and also when bubs is in bed. Because that is the other side of the story - I can't be in the same house as Bean and hear him cry and not intervene... I know this is Bad but it is physiological, hearing him cry sends my mum receptors wild and I am not an 'ignore him and leave him to cry' type at ALL. Anyway, all I do of an evening is watch tele and read (aka relaxing?!) so I will now work instead, then go downstairs and relax at about 10pm, though as work gains momentum I aim to work later than that. It is also ideal because it takes me a while to get into work and this way I am not wasting anyone's time by being useless and surfing the internet because I can't work out how to start my next section; and I can work for as long as I need to. The fab thing is as well, is that I have all day off with my son; to watch him grow and laugh with him :0) And go to baby groups and hang out with friends and no one is telling me I should be working. I hate morning working anyway, I'm too tired and lazy. I am a night owl - as anyone who has a vague knowledge of this blog knows ;0) Only problem is getting into it, it being late in the day and my brain naturally wants to think about eating something stodgy and sitting on my arse. And of course, what if my baby decides not to sleep... But he always sleeps is just tonight he is being a little weirdo :0)
Apart from my new working hours, yesterday I managed to plan out my lit review and to my huge satisfaction it is a) coming together and b) looks quite interesting. Only problem is the amount of work I have to do to revise and catch up on reading... eek! Sooooooo much! But I am reading solidly this week and the next two, then I shall see where I am at with it. Then I do hope to have finished the bulk of the reading I have to do. I do have planned to then work on a different chapter, but that seems daft as I will be ready to write up this one for at least the first draft.
Well, I better go. I don't think I am going to get any work done tonight but mainly because I don't think the PhD will collapse if I miss a day. Though saying that... To be honest, the baby has to come first but the PhD is a close second :0)
Till tomorrow then,
Night night!
x J
Friday 17 September 2010
I disappeared!
Hehe, I disappeared! I have been working, but not with my laptop and have been avoiding the internet at night as it stresses me out! Hence no post.
BUT work is going ok! Well, it didn't go at all for a few days - more like a week - as DB had a huge contract deadline so I had to look after Bean. But I did do bits and bobs (which was about all I could do in my first week back after ten months off!) and was back on Tuesday. Met my Sup too and my new deadline for Sept next year is perfect according to him and he says I am well on the way to completion. What a relief!! I so thought he was going to put the frighteners on me because I have a baby and might be a bit preoccupied with him to work (true). I think - shallow tho it may seem - that the fact that I had just had my hair cut and that I am not massively fat or knackered looking and was wearing fashionable clothes (yes it is possible ladies out there) might have helped me quite a bit as he seemed a bit surprised and pleased that I was looking so well and, sadly I suppose for more knackered mums, 'with it'. We talked about writing up and he said about how if I have writer's block to remember that
a) Writing a PhD is very hard and part of what getting a PhD is all about and
b) I should only try and do three sentences when I am stuck. Just three, in a whole day and not ask too much of myself or beat myself up.
This was lovely advice and has made me feel so much better about it all. He also said that examiners will read the introduction very closely, so get that right, and also the conclusion and references. The rest they will skim read! They will generally read the introductions for each chapter too, but won't quibble over details too much - they are looking for a thesis and what backs up that thesis, a process of thought and of development. This was great to hear! Makes it all seem so much less daunting.
Then we talked about the VIVA and he said that at a uni in Oz they don't even have a VIVA - just hand in and walk away. This made me realise how important I think the VIVA is, even though I am very scared of it it is also a very important part of the process - it is where I get to explain and defend my thesis. I look forward to talking about it and hope I am aware enough of what I have said and why to be able to defend it :0) Blinkin' better be anyway.
So all in all a great chat, and am feeling all confident and pleased. As I always do after a meet with my Sup - I am very lucky I don't have one of those supervisors who gets off on making your PhD life difficult. My friend has one of those and she is always stressed and unhappy, whereas I have not yet been unhappy in mine. Very lucky indeedy!
Right, I better get back to work! Is Friday, I cannot believe it. At the mo I am working on catching up on my literature review and collating the info from my fieldwork. It is quite sad and made me cry yesterday, the work I do is sad sometimes. I have all this information and should use it to chase people up who have let very vulnerable people down and made them and their families even more vulnerable. But, I am a researcher. Maybe when the work is finished. At least the fieldwork did good while I was doing it even if the info is a bit impotent in my hands at the moment...
Am going to exercise tomorrow morning, then am working, and then I am going to drink beer and listen to bands at my village festival. Lovely! Oh, and my baby is crawling so will spend the weeked probably forgetting about that and leaving him on the floor to scoot off and find mischief when my back is turned ;0) I made him a beanie hat yesterday - has taken about 3 weeks of crocheting and unravelling, one beanie actually turned into a sun hat. A woolly sun hat! WTF?!
x J
BUT work is going ok! Well, it didn't go at all for a few days - more like a week - as DB had a huge contract deadline so I had to look after Bean. But I did do bits and bobs (which was about all I could do in my first week back after ten months off!) and was back on Tuesday. Met my Sup too and my new deadline for Sept next year is perfect according to him and he says I am well on the way to completion. What a relief!! I so thought he was going to put the frighteners on me because I have a baby and might be a bit preoccupied with him to work (true). I think - shallow tho it may seem - that the fact that I had just had my hair cut and that I am not massively fat or knackered looking and was wearing fashionable clothes (yes it is possible ladies out there) might have helped me quite a bit as he seemed a bit surprised and pleased that I was looking so well and, sadly I suppose for more knackered mums, 'with it'. We talked about writing up and he said about how if I have writer's block to remember that
a) Writing a PhD is very hard and part of what getting a PhD is all about and
b) I should only try and do three sentences when I am stuck. Just three, in a whole day and not ask too much of myself or beat myself up.
This was lovely advice and has made me feel so much better about it all. He also said that examiners will read the introduction very closely, so get that right, and also the conclusion and references. The rest they will skim read! They will generally read the introductions for each chapter too, but won't quibble over details too much - they are looking for a thesis and what backs up that thesis, a process of thought and of development. This was great to hear! Makes it all seem so much less daunting.
Then we talked about the VIVA and he said that at a uni in Oz they don't even have a VIVA - just hand in and walk away. This made me realise how important I think the VIVA is, even though I am very scared of it it is also a very important part of the process - it is where I get to explain and defend my thesis. I look forward to talking about it and hope I am aware enough of what I have said and why to be able to defend it :0) Blinkin' better be anyway.
So all in all a great chat, and am feeling all confident and pleased. As I always do after a meet with my Sup - I am very lucky I don't have one of those supervisors who gets off on making your PhD life difficult. My friend has one of those and she is always stressed and unhappy, whereas I have not yet been unhappy in mine. Very lucky indeedy!
Right, I better get back to work! Is Friday, I cannot believe it. At the mo I am working on catching up on my literature review and collating the info from my fieldwork. It is quite sad and made me cry yesterday, the work I do is sad sometimes. I have all this information and should use it to chase people up who have let very vulnerable people down and made them and their families even more vulnerable. But, I am a researcher. Maybe when the work is finished. At least the fieldwork did good while I was doing it even if the info is a bit impotent in my hands at the moment...
Am going to exercise tomorrow morning, then am working, and then I am going to drink beer and listen to bands at my village festival. Lovely! Oh, and my baby is crawling so will spend the weeked probably forgetting about that and leaving him on the floor to scoot off and find mischief when my back is turned ;0) I made him a beanie hat yesterday - has taken about 3 weeks of crocheting and unravelling, one beanie actually turned into a sun hat. A woolly sun hat! WTF?!
x J
Monday 6 September 2010
First day done!
So I have nearly finished my first day back. I haven't done much to be honest, but I've only been working since half two and it is now nearly six. But I have done stuff! I have got myself a work space; organised my computer desktop and printed off the latest article wrtten by my Sup; organised the translations that I have managed to get done so far and chased up the outstanding ones; I have re-enrolled into Uni; and I have cleared my mind of the sadness and sulking that has been dogging me for the past month regarding my return to Uni. And I have sat in my office and thought about work and stuff, more than anything else.
Verdict so far?
It is a-ok! In fact, it is a pleasure to sit still and work on just one thing. It is pretty straightforward compared to being a full time mum and housewife! Just having one thing to think about is a joy. No multi tasking. No interruptions. No need to jolly someone else along. Just pure selfish time. Hurray!
I am still lacking a plan of action but for today I am satisfied. I am working 8-1pm tomorrow (8am?! UG! We'll see...!) so hope to get into the swing of things a bit more.
In the meantime, I am hungry and my baby is downstairs having some grub so I think I'll go and join my little family. First day back at work - success! Hurray! :0)
x J
Verdict so far?
It is a-ok! In fact, it is a pleasure to sit still and work on just one thing. It is pretty straightforward compared to being a full time mum and housewife! Just having one thing to think about is a joy. No multi tasking. No interruptions. No need to jolly someone else along. Just pure selfish time. Hurray!
I am still lacking a plan of action but for today I am satisfied. I am working 8-1pm tomorrow (8am?! UG! We'll see...!) so hope to get into the swing of things a bit more.
In the meantime, I am hungry and my baby is downstairs having some grub so I think I'll go and join my little family. First day back at work - success! Hurray! :0)
x J
Back to School!
Righty, I am officially back! I have not cried today and have set up my little desk in the corner of my office and actually like my new surrounds. I can't believe this is where I am going to finish my PhD...
I am now at a sort of stuck bit. I have so much to do, I don't know where to start! I am completely confused. I have to admit that I am also a bit hungover today which isn't helping. It's terrible isn't it? Hungover on my first day back! Yesterday I was really sad so DB took me to a festival up the road and we sat with bubs, a burger and chips and some cider and watched the Levellers and Seasick Steve and just relaxed together. It was so lovely and I got a bit tipsy. Then we came home, I cried, drank red wine and ate a chinese takeaway. Had a terrible night's sleep as you can imagine after red wine and MSG... and am dopey today. Bad rabbit.
Soooooooooooooooooo what to do? I have until 6pm then I am off! My house is quiet - DB has taken Bean out for a trip to the shops. I have to say, I have actually enjoyed today so far. This morning was lovely; I really appreciated my time with bubs but am also enjoying this time for being able to just sit down and have the luxury of just doing one thing at a time! No one is clamouring for my attention, I am alone and it is peaceful. I could get into this I reckon. Wouldn't it be odd if it turned out that the time I spend doing my PhD is actually, ahem, comparitively relaxing? Hehe!
Ok. I think I am going to turn the laptop off and try and do some planning in my PhD Brain. (It is a book, not an actual brain. Fnar.)
I am selling a lot of clothes on ebay at the mo, from when I came back from India being ridiculously skinny, and am really very chuffed to have made a tenner so far. Hurray!
anyway. Laters y'all.
I can't believe I am back. Can't believe it!
x J
I am now at a sort of stuck bit. I have so much to do, I don't know where to start! I am completely confused. I have to admit that I am also a bit hungover today which isn't helping. It's terrible isn't it? Hungover on my first day back! Yesterday I was really sad so DB took me to a festival up the road and we sat with bubs, a burger and chips and some cider and watched the Levellers and Seasick Steve and just relaxed together. It was so lovely and I got a bit tipsy. Then we came home, I cried, drank red wine and ate a chinese takeaway. Had a terrible night's sleep as you can imagine after red wine and MSG... and am dopey today. Bad rabbit.
Soooooooooooooooooo what to do? I have until 6pm then I am off! My house is quiet - DB has taken Bean out for a trip to the shops. I have to say, I have actually enjoyed today so far. This morning was lovely; I really appreciated my time with bubs but am also enjoying this time for being able to just sit down and have the luxury of just doing one thing at a time! No one is clamouring for my attention, I am alone and it is peaceful. I could get into this I reckon. Wouldn't it be odd if it turned out that the time I spend doing my PhD is actually, ahem, comparitively relaxing? Hehe!
Ok. I think I am going to turn the laptop off and try and do some planning in my PhD Brain. (It is a book, not an actual brain. Fnar.)
I am selling a lot of clothes on ebay at the mo, from when I came back from India being ridiculously skinny, and am really very chuffed to have made a tenner so far. Hurray!
anyway. Laters y'all.
I can't believe I am back. Can't believe it!
x J
Saturday 4 September 2010
Better now!
Oh I feel sooooo much happier now. It is my last weekend before I go back to work but I am actually looking forward to it now!
I had big chats with DB and we have divvied up the week and it seems that I will work every day bar Sunday, for about 5 hours a day. I have created two blocks of work time - either 8am-1pm or 1pm-6pm. I obviously can work evenings and Sunday if I want/need to. I reckon though that five good hours of concentrated work (and it will be concentrated, I do not have the luxury of relaxing and wasting time any more) would be as good as my old hours of 9-5. It seems I will work Monday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning, Thursday morning and Friday afternoon. I like this! Oh, I will work Saturday mornings too, which is ace as DB will spend that time cooking me breakfast, getting the paper and chilling and watching his footie programmes anyway. Sounds like a great set-up! So because of becoming all organised I now feel more relaxed and am looking forward to setting up my little work space in the spare room on Monday. I am not doing it in advance, I reckon it'll help focus my mind and gently ease me into work by doing it on Monday. I can't believe I have five hours to fill come Monday! Five hours is a long time! DB and I talked about how it will be lovely to share Bean as well, I reckon we will have so much more in common when we are both sharing the childcare and housework. I hope it works, I really do. I know DB is stressed about the fact he won't be able to work as and when any more, but we both agreed that it will be good to have proper concentrated time to work anyway rather than just *all* the time (he does work all the time).
So there we are! I have a meeting with my Sup on Tuesday the 14th so will work for that initially - getting a timeline and Plan Of Action. It is only down the road too, no need to even go into Uni. Am really very pleased about this.
Am so relieved!
x J
I had big chats with DB and we have divvied up the week and it seems that I will work every day bar Sunday, for about 5 hours a day. I have created two blocks of work time - either 8am-1pm or 1pm-6pm. I obviously can work evenings and Sunday if I want/need to. I reckon though that five good hours of concentrated work (and it will be concentrated, I do not have the luxury of relaxing and wasting time any more) would be as good as my old hours of 9-5. It seems I will work Monday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning, Thursday morning and Friday afternoon. I like this! Oh, I will work Saturday mornings too, which is ace as DB will spend that time cooking me breakfast, getting the paper and chilling and watching his footie programmes anyway. Sounds like a great set-up! So because of becoming all organised I now feel more relaxed and am looking forward to setting up my little work space in the spare room on Monday. I am not doing it in advance, I reckon it'll help focus my mind and gently ease me into work by doing it on Monday. I can't believe I have five hours to fill come Monday! Five hours is a long time! DB and I talked about how it will be lovely to share Bean as well, I reckon we will have so much more in common when we are both sharing the childcare and housework. I hope it works, I really do. I know DB is stressed about the fact he won't be able to work as and when any more, but we both agreed that it will be good to have proper concentrated time to work anyway rather than just *all* the time (he does work all the time).
So there we are! I have a meeting with my Sup on Tuesday the 14th so will work for that initially - getting a timeline and Plan Of Action. It is only down the road too, no need to even go into Uni. Am really very pleased about this.
Am so relieved!
x J
Wednesday 1 September 2010
Back to work... hmmm not quite!
Well today is my official back to work date :0( BUT I decided to wait until Monday and start a) at the beginning of a week instead of the middle and b) when I know all the schools are back. It is comforting thinking that it is the end of the holidays for millions of people, and for my friends too (who are all teachers, bizarrely).
I am dreading coming back, I make no bones about it. Dreading it. How can I concentrate on anything other than my baby? My brain is completely feral, used to thinking about everything and nothing, picking up thoughts and dropping them on a whim. I am used to moving around a lot, cooking and baking and going out for coffee and chats and babygroups. I am used to being in company constantly! How will I cope being in a room on my own, away from my baby, having to read long books and words and, UG, *remember* stuff?! How am I supposed to think about international development issues when I am so focussed inwards towards my family? I wonder if it will change how I see my work, being more empathetic and understanding of the horror and fear of losing a child? This could be interesting. In many ways I feel alienated, remote, from my work now. My work is my child. I will be interested, and am desperately hoping, to find out that I do still love my work and care. I wonder if I am just daunted as all hell about getting back into it and cannot possibly do it. I also realise that I feel like it was a different person who did that work, and if you think about it I have changed profoundly since I last sat at my desk! I have become a Mum, to a child that is now nearly 9 months old. This is huge isn't it really, I shouldn't underestimate how that would make me feel. I am dreading getting all my stuff out - remembering at the same time how excited and relieved I was to be putting it away last December. So much happiness and so much to look forward to. I can honestly say that the last ten months have been the happiest of my life. Absolutely. And now it is all finishing. I have to work, I cannot just moon about with my baby, baking bread and going for walks on a whim. I have to hand over his care to someone else. (Well, actually me and DB are sharing his childcare so this really isn 't that dramatic but still, I am used to being his Mum! There all the time!)
My Sup has been in contact for a meeting, which is brilliant. He lives down south now so is great that he is up just as I go back to work. This will help focus my mind next week as I haveour meeting to prepare for, and he will bring me back to earth and am sure he will give me a deadline of some sort. It will be horrible, I know this because he knows that being a Mum means I will be that bit less disciplined (because Bean will come first). Seeing him will totally make me feel I am back to work too, which will be sad but also be very important in bringing together my pre and post baby selves. It is so odd though, how I get an email from him saying let's meet and I panic about when? How? With the baby - who will look after him? Because DB and I have to arrange between us when we are free and when we are working so I can't just swan off - I never can. It will be spooky going to uni, getting the train and going into the city and up to Uni, all on my own! Ug, I don't like it. I am never on my own and so rarely without my baby!
I know I am going on about bubs. But he is my life at the moment. I look forward to gaining a balance, where he is still my life but I am comfortable for something else to inhabite my thoughts and demand my attention too - knowing that there is room for more than just Bean.
I have so much growing up to do! I am such a wean in all of this. I look forward to sharing my journey :0)
x J
I am dreading coming back, I make no bones about it. Dreading it. How can I concentrate on anything other than my baby? My brain is completely feral, used to thinking about everything and nothing, picking up thoughts and dropping them on a whim. I am used to moving around a lot, cooking and baking and going out for coffee and chats and babygroups. I am used to being in company constantly! How will I cope being in a room on my own, away from my baby, having to read long books and words and, UG, *remember* stuff?! How am I supposed to think about international development issues when I am so focussed inwards towards my family? I wonder if it will change how I see my work, being more empathetic and understanding of the horror and fear of losing a child? This could be interesting. In many ways I feel alienated, remote, from my work now. My work is my child. I will be interested, and am desperately hoping, to find out that I do still love my work and care. I wonder if I am just daunted as all hell about getting back into it and cannot possibly do it. I also realise that I feel like it was a different person who did that work, and if you think about it I have changed profoundly since I last sat at my desk! I have become a Mum, to a child that is now nearly 9 months old. This is huge isn't it really, I shouldn't underestimate how that would make me feel. I am dreading getting all my stuff out - remembering at the same time how excited and relieved I was to be putting it away last December. So much happiness and so much to look forward to. I can honestly say that the last ten months have been the happiest of my life. Absolutely. And now it is all finishing. I have to work, I cannot just moon about with my baby, baking bread and going for walks on a whim. I have to hand over his care to someone else. (Well, actually me and DB are sharing his childcare so this really isn 't that dramatic but still, I am used to being his Mum! There all the time!)
My Sup has been in contact for a meeting, which is brilliant. He lives down south now so is great that he is up just as I go back to work. This will help focus my mind next week as I haveour meeting to prepare for, and he will bring me back to earth and am sure he will give me a deadline of some sort. It will be horrible, I know this because he knows that being a Mum means I will be that bit less disciplined (because Bean will come first). Seeing him will totally make me feel I am back to work too, which will be sad but also be very important in bringing together my pre and post baby selves. It is so odd though, how I get an email from him saying let's meet and I panic about when? How? With the baby - who will look after him? Because DB and I have to arrange between us when we are free and when we are working so I can't just swan off - I never can. It will be spooky going to uni, getting the train and going into the city and up to Uni, all on my own! Ug, I don't like it. I am never on my own and so rarely without my baby!
I know I am going on about bubs. But he is my life at the moment. I look forward to gaining a balance, where he is still my life but I am comfortable for something else to inhabite my thoughts and demand my attention too - knowing that there is room for more than just Bean.
I have so much growing up to do! I am such a wean in all of this. I look forward to sharing my journey :0)
x J
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