Back to It

I am backetty back back.

I had dreams last night of meeting my Sup and him asking me what on earth I have been up to all this time.  I was so proud to say I had done my lit review but also aware that it shouldn't take 4 months to do one chapter :(  Was definitely one of those 'yay!  but oh...'  dreams where I feel a bit shit and my best might not be good enough.

Bit stressed?!   I am a total grouch at the mo, this work is making me feel genuinely angry now!

Anyway, I had a lie-in this morning which was amazing and I can concentrate today :)  Am also incredibly motivated; I want to get as much done today as I can so I can relax a bit tomorrow.  I don't know if I will ever feel that this chapter is 'done' or good.  I think my last chapter being so shit was a bit of a confidence knocker (well, huge confidence knocker!) and also the nature of a lit review is that it can go on and on and on and be like an exam where you just vomit everything you think you know about a subject in the hope something will get picked up and get good marks...  Someone, somewhere will see I have missed something out so the temptation is to write a LOT about EVERYTHING, when actually my Sup tells me time and time again to be ruthless with the literature and use it to illustrate your point and nothing more; make a point once and then move on.  Being sparse but clever is probably the wisest move.

Anyway, will get back to it.  I don't care about the family today, they will have to do without me.  I shall stay up here for as long as I can/can stand to!

x J

WARNING - depressing post alert!

So I was meant to work this morning but DB went out for a quick trip to the gym and didn't get back till lunchtime!  by which time I had lots of time to dwell and analyse every twinge and nasty pain and get all afeared and now I am meant to be working but I can't concentrate :(

I am totally screwed.  Totally, and utterly screwed.  I did not think for a millisecond, after having the best, easiest, pregnancy with Bean that my next pregnancy, my celebrate-life-and-finish-Uni baby would be such a nightmare.  I might not finish in time now; I probably won't.  Uni will be penalised re: funding and I will be in the shit.  i really wouldn't want to have to bring this up in every interview which asks why I went over my deadline?!  I can't work and working this weekend was *vital* to meeting my deadlines.  I cannot concentrate, I cannot care that I can't concentrate.  I am so angry that I have to concentrate but I am over a barrel, whichever way I look at it. 

I don't know if you can get retrospective sick notes - I doubt it.  I could get a note for the two weeks following my mc, maybe but i would need those weeks to recover and in the meantime it is *this* week I need the note for.  My Sup is going to be mental.

I hate that I am going through this and the one thing at the forefront of my mind is this fucking course.  I am very angry about this, at myself as much as anything because my deadlines are so tight.  It is how I work best though, and I really did not know this was going to happen.  I don't think anyone factors in a 'death' contingency plan when planning deadlines ;0) 

I desperately want to switch off and look after myself but I know the best thing would be to work.  I suppose I just wish things would start happening (if they are going to happen, which I think they are) then I can just stop work and focus and start to move on mentally.  It's the being pregnant but not being pregnant that is killing me. 

Fucking hell, I hope no bugger has to read this!  It is great having this blog though as a diary of my PhD.  I looked through some old posts yesterday and so much has happened that I don't remember and am very grateful for my record, this is important too.  I mean, I am meant to submit in 7 weeks!  wow, that would be cool.

I think I shall have to mope about for now and do a LOT of evening working when I am better.

The thing that gets me too is what if everything is ok really, and baby really was hiding in the scan?  then I would have missed my deadline and all for nothing.  I would have no sick note, no excuse, nothing but also no work. 

But I would have a healthy baby... and so the rest of it can go jump off a cliff I suppose ;0)  I guess I would work night and day with a smile on my face if that were the result.

x J

Um...

I am trying to think of excuses but I can't.  well, I can.

I haven't worked today because:

My DB is off work and has actually been OFF work all day.  This never happens even on weekends and having us all around together as a family made the day go by so fast I forgot to work.

we went out after lunch to a soft play centre and that took ages.

And then DP left us in the car for nigh on an hour to go and get some painkillers (coming back with the whole shop!).

So it wasn't my fault.  I did work this morning but only so I realised it was all quite easy really and could wait until I had had a cup of coffee...  which took all day.

I came up to work at half six and did try but got waylaid by rubbish nonsense.  I cannot engage my brain, it is being really bloody scatty.

Sooooo I am going to call it a day; I am defeated.  I shall work tomorrow, however and really, honestly do some work.  I shall work in the morning then I can have the afternoon to do as I wish and not be feeling guilty about work all day (like today).  I have until Thursday to complete this chapter and I really do (naively, I am sure) believe this chapter is straightforward to write which is why I am skiving.  I reckon with hard work I can get it written in three days.  Ideally I think I would like to work lots on Sunday and Monday and have tomorrow off.  Nah, I think at some point needing a break is going to spill into don't-want-to-do-it-now procrastinating and that, my friends, is very bad behaviour. 

I shall slope off now and lounge around eating crisps and ice cream all night, sleep lots and then tomorrow come and do some chuffing work.  Arf, I don't want to.

x J

working?!

Arf I was up at 7am and started work by half past!

Admittedly I had a terrible night's sleep and woke up angry having gone to sleep on a barny with DH.  Apparently I am being too breezy on FB and he is worried about what his friends (who know about the mc) will think.  Naturally I went mental about censorship, private grief and thicko gossiping.  I am not going to waer black and stop smiling - surely if I can smile that is a good, cleansing thing?  And, anyway, facebook?!  Since when has that been a real-life portal into anyone's world?!  Haha. 

anyway, we have made up and he saw the error of his ways.  Sometimes, and he would absolutely disagree with this and laugh at my pompousness (?!  word?!) but I feel that being so deep in my PhD makes me able to analyse anything to death and tear arguments apart in a really clinical 'there are three principle, irreconcilable points in that statement DB'.  I don't argue in a normal way, but am very analytical and just sometimes feel a bit ruthless.  Is most odd and will stop when I finish work :)

I am knackered and feeling mentally unhinged today.  I can't emphasise to DB enough how important it is that I sleep a lot at the mo to cope but he does really like to read in bed before going to sleep so I lie there all thoughts raging.  My head is full of PhD, and still thinks it is pregnant so I am shattered while also trying to cope with the fact I am *not* pregnant, and all the rest.  Is a lot to take on and I didn't sleep last night and today I feel precarious and a bit mental.  Damnit.

My bubs is crying downstairs, I shall go and get a cuddle.  I am working on a bit of conceptualisation and it seems to be ok; I shall return when I feel less unhinged (ever?!).

My lovely, lovely mum-friend submitted her PhD yesterday.  I am so very proud :0)

x J

Hmmm. not a surprise

I have done bugger all today.

I could pretend to care but I don't.  I had a lush lunch, a nice walk in the sunshine and great conversation and offloading with DB.  I am just not in a worky place, which is the lamest excuse I have ever heard but I don't care.  I have tomorrow to work when I normally wouldn't and will come back refreshed and enthused after a wee bit of impromptu time off.  These things happen sometimes, but the work always gets done in  the end...

x J

Head back on, all systems go, go, go!

I am back in action now and stopped being mopey.

A) I don't know what is going on and may well see a perfectly happy little baby next week;
and
B) If I don't I shall be able to get a drs sick note which I shall proudly present to Uni and get two weeks off to do my moping then.

At the mo I have a 50:50 chance of still being pregnant or not so may as well look on the bright side.  I sobbed mah wee heart out yesterday, then picked up my Bean and it all got much better from there.  I did some work last night to make sure that when I came to it today I knew what to do.  I am behind and it is scaring me!

I have not heard from Sup about my discussion ch which is also scaring me. 

My jumper smells, which is not scary but is gross.

I also asked DB to stay here over easter.  This is a fucker because I did plan to work solidly for four days and get this chapter written. However, I am not sure that I wouldn't just go into myself too much; I am too knackered to exercise (whatever is going on my body still thinks it is mega preggo) so wouldn't go out for that and all my friends are with their families doing easter stuff.  So it would be tres lonely and my days would lack structure.  I would just sit in front of the laptop for hours and be lonely, I know it.  This way DB has said he will take Bean out lots so I can work as much but
I will have their company and support.  Hopefully I will get as much done anyway, just in a different way :)  Also, if anything were to happen with this bubs then I want DB here to help me out!

Soooo. WORK.  Today I am writing out the plan I wrote last night for my lit review chapter.  I am to remember that it is to be argument-led, not literature led; to be focused and selective (don't panic-write everything you know just because you know it); and tally in with my chapters and the themes in my discussion chapter.  I am to write a chapter that shows where my ideas for the research came from so a newbie would have some idea of the background of the concepts and why there is a case to be answered.  I have kind of done this planning, today is about giving the intro a form of structure and starting to write.  Write *anything*, just write.  Tomorrow I want to be able to come to it and hit the ground running.  I have until nextThursday - two days longer than I thought, hurray :)  thurs is also Scan Day of Dreadedness so I shall start my sick note time from then, if necessary.  I only have one week to write my methodology chapter (and the childminder is off; that was/is going to be a week of evening working hell) and then 8 days to write my intro and concl (not so bad methinks).

Last few weeks advices:  get it DONE!  My very motivated and punctillious friend keeps extending her deadlines and says to me she could finish her PhD in three months she reckons but is getting an extension anyway.  Let me tell you this: she has written *more* than I have and probably better, and I am finishing my first draft by the 27th and whole thing in less than 2 months.  This just shows that if you have the time, you will fill it.  I don't think at this stage you can take longer and do it at a nice, relaxing pace...  I think at some point you need a deadline, a proper one, to get you motivated and keep kecking you up the butt with The Fear or it will take *forever*.  I am glad I have my deadline; I know if I extended (sick note notwithstanding, it is quite different) I would just watch tv today and tomorrow and have this stress in a few weeks time ;0)  Maybe that is just me though ;0)

Right, better do some of this work so I can eat my doughnut.

x J

making up time

Arf so saturday did not go as planned!

I was busy procratinating and feeling a bit lost when my mate texted to say they were in the area could they pop in?  well, of course they can!  Did have a wee tear of frustration but was worth it to see friends and anyway, it is the festive season so THERE work.  So I am working today.  Am glad anyway as Sat i was feeling very het up about NYE and Having To Have It Done but in the end it didn't matter.

Today I am hating having to work.  Soooo I am just planning to get back into it at all and take it from there!  Really hope to get it done today though so I can spend tomorrow chilling and planning the discussion which is a bit I like doing.

All back to normal again tomorrow!  Bah rubbish.

x J 

Did it :0)

I have worked out what I am going to say, have written it out in my own words (not my complicated intro jargon) and put it in bold as a template to fill in tomorrow.

All of a sudden I know what I want to say, where the evidence is I need to substantiate my claims, and what my conclusion is and how it fits into the thesis as a whole.

And the thing is, it is just the same as weeks ago.

I am so thick.

NOW, time to go and drink tea, clean my house and cook dins for my wee family xmas :0)  Am going to be very good and sober to be tip-top for tomorrow.  This chapter will be written!

x J

Back! Thank goodness!

I am back to work this morning!  hurrah!

I have been a right christmas grump just waiting to get back to it really.  I left it at a good place on, er, whenever it was, and am keen to carry on with it.  My aim (the complete and utter-it-has-to-happenness actually) is to get this finished for Friday, then spend fri pm and sat am sorting out this, and the other chapters so they fit together... send them to sup... and then I would have nearly half of the PhD done proper-like.  Then I shall get drunk and celebrate NYE in a good mood, rather than one of doom ;0)

Hope you all had nice christmases.  Mine was nice but most strange.  We sat in silence a lot until DB made mother in law put the tele on so we could at least hear some xmas tunes, opened presents really, really slowly (making MIL frustrated bless her) and then had our vegetarian buffet lunch...  and then MIL said we didn't have crackers because no one ever wanted what was in the middle apart from her so they were pointless.  We pointed out the fact that they were tradition and meant to be silly, which overcomes functionality in this case but she then said they were generally rubbish.  So no crackers!  hehe!  I nearly cried a little bit, then nearly laughed but settled for staring into the middle distance while pushing more pakoras and thai vegetable bites into my gob.

TODAY I am HOME!  And I am working until about 1pmish, or until I feel I have got a  handle on me work as DB is also home and looking after little bubs.  Then I am making a roast dinner, with all the chrimbo trimmings!  devils on horseback!  YUM.  Sprouts with chestnuts and bacon!  YUM!  ANNNNNNNNNDDDDDD *crackers* :0) 

Anyway, back to the essay.

laters y'all and happy chrimbletide/other religious festivals ja

x J

Horribly late

Oh dear! I have not even started yet! I stayed in bed until 11am! I kid you not.

Am going to get some breakfast and then I shall work alll day until 6pm at least.

Is not the end of the world, but it is terribly naughty ;0S

x J

Sunday work

I worked! AND dum-dum-duuuuuuuuummmmm... we went to the pool! woo!

Now sat in front of come dine with me, thinking about what deliciousness (healthy, mind) I am to munch for dins, looking forward to watching Wuthering Heights on t'tele later and watching my beanie try and kick and punch his way out of my tummy atm.

Finally, finally finished my reading today! Didn't take long and thought I could leave it until tomorrow but the worry about having only two weeks left to do this draft was too much so the reading got done. Is about time I finished it! I have made a plan for the next two weeks. I shall spend the first week getting the structure down, putting in the arguments from the PhD chapter I have already done, working out if I want to add any arguments from my work in India, and re reading and laying down the arguments from my reading. Then, the second week shall be spent filling in the gaps, tightening it up and getting it to a reasonable standard for submission. I am assuming it shan't be submitted on the 15th, but will get it done for then anyway, more time is not a bad thing!

Arg I am tired and hungry, must go and eat!

x J

Righty!

Its friday night and am doing my work blog... What does that tell you?!

I worked until about 6 then stopped as the reading, as much as I wanted to get it finished, wasn't going in and I realised I was pretending to read really fast and turning pages, but knew nothing... I have one paper left to go then and it's only 13 pages so should be able to speed through it some time tomorrow? Am starting a new file for this reading as I have realised it can merge into another biblio I have and different themes throughout the thesis, so needs to be organised properly. I am going to get myself a BIG storage system, with different crates for different themes and reading, like 'old literature' (I know what that entails!) and 'new literature', theory stuff, my fieldwork notes and tapes etc, and then my chapters... Lots of BIG drawers with LOTS of room so I can open them and get things out and put them in and yumptiousness. I'll get sommat from Ikea. Everything will need to be filed meticulously so when I come back off mat leave I can just dive straight into it - at the mo everything is tucked into overloaded lever arch files and hidden in wardrobes... not good!

Can't wait to get that done actually. Seeing all my reading may be a bit daunting though - although most of it is actually in my head so is almost impressive! I don't use endnote, still not got round to it but I read and re-read my sources so much so they are internalised and can think about them in relation to each other, have so many plans and synopses of articles and readings and books that that is my library really. We shall see, endnote may come in really useful - but you have to pay for it now, and I would have to go to a class to learn how to use it etc. Am not sure I will ever get round to it!!

Tonight is a quiet one in my house, am making a red sauce for home made pizzas atm and we shall have that with some chips in front of the dire tele that is big brother later... then will read and go to bed! Tomorrow I want to eat healthily all day, do some exercise (dare we mention the pool?!) and then eat some grubby takeaway for dins feeling that it was well earned! I will leave the reading and final planning until Sunday/Monday when I shall do it and then start writing before the day is out - may be better doing something I know I can do as my first job of the day rather than trying to plunge into daunting writing anyway... Is so weird how each time I come to start writing I find it really scary. Every time.

Am going to dare to turn off my laptop now... it has been very ill and wouldn't turn on earlier so I spent part of the day backing everything up and saving it saving it... maybe this is the last time I will use it :0( I haven't had it very long - maybe a year?!

Have good weekends and relax!

x J

One down...

One article down... one more to go then a little peek at a book I have read before that I know will be useful and then the reading for this chapter should be DONE!

GOOD!

Arg the weather here is pants! It is like the summer has gone :0( Though actually I like autumn and winter so don't know why I am whining... perhaps because I am a wee bit cold.

Just found out my lovely friend that I did my life-changing MA with back in the day (5 years ago!) and who is nearly finishing her PhD in South Africa is also pregnant! I am so happy a) to have a pregnant friend, and b) for her because she is happy. Woke up this morning and Beanie had been so quiet all night, pretty unusual and became quite fretful that all was not well. But managed to elicit a little kick and went back to sleep and all has been fairly active this morning so am reassured. The worry and protectiveness I feel over this baby makes my PhD work seem so simple and straightforward. In this way, being up the stick and doing a PhD is a really positive thing, it puts the work in perspective and I know that I would rather work for days on end with no breaks or sleep than ever have to worry about this mite (more than I already do, just being a Mum = worry) So I love my work and am not so scared of it, nor do I place it on such a pedestal. This makes it a lot more approachable and is a very good thing.

Although I am starting to get a sicky feeling about all the reading I have yet to do to really be completely au fait with my topic. Will it *ever* end?!!!

Off to research some office furniture then to eat some dippy eggs and toast, then back to read this final article and finish off the reading for this chapter. I shall then have a look at the plan I have already and won't leave until I feel confident that all the work will, well, work... and Sunday I shall start to write!

x J

Doing ok

Hmm I worked ok today.

Am getting stressed though as am behind my work schedule and this never happens. I don't mean my plans, but my ultimate has-to-be-done timetable. This is not usual and I shall work hard tomorrow to remedy it before it goes out of control! Am sure it is ok, but I am uncomfortable and that is important.

Worked hard this morning and later this afternoon, had an impromptu haitus this avo after lunch as lots of admin work again... And a bit of hunting for office furniture online - I am going to let DB have my study and will move downstairs. He is too messy and too grumpy to be a permanent fixture in the living room! He is being evicted. Anyway, I am not attached to my study, in fact I don't really like it. It is a mess. Not my mess, just spare room mess. If we turn it into DBs room we will make it a proper study/spare room and will also get lots of storage for it. Is like we didn't move into it properly and stuff just got put anywhere. Bah.

I went for a speed-walk today too! I couldn't go swimming because I wanted to work, so went for a 3mile walk after work instead. Was probably as fast as my jogging so a good workout really.

Tomorrow I shall...
READ! get the reading finish and see how it works into my chapter for writing on Monday. I hope I can get this done in two weeks?! Eek! Is pretty daunting starting to write, am skeered. Two weeks really isn't long enough. Oh dear.

I had my Maternity leave form back from my Sup and he wrote all sorts of lovely things about my work on it :D Am very pleased! If only he knew what a pickle I am always in...

x J

Back from Jollies!

I am back! I didn't mean to take the week off but I did... which I really enjoyed but feel very stressed now!

I didn't have any internet so didn't go online, which was lovely. And I did try and do some reading (I took lots with me) but it was taking me ages to read one page when at home it would take minutes so thought I should just take some time off and work hard when I got back... which is now ;0( arses.

Have spent the morning so far unpacking and reading emails, sorting out maternity leave, and getting very hungry. Am going to get some food in a bit, then will start work! I guess I will have to turn the internet off to get any serious reading done. Maybe even the radio too. I have almost exactly three weeks for the deadline for the journal paper, which I have found out is actually a preliminary deadline and is likely to be extended - the actual deadline is the 10 Oct which is grand. I will get a good written draft for the 15 Sept but not worry as much about getting it read through and checked by someone by the 1 Sept so I can hand in a polished version for the 15. With this new discovery that the deadline is a flexible one, and my Sup's advice that I don't take it too seriously at this stage - that the paper is just rough for now so they know what I am talking about and then if they want to publish it (unlikely, me being an unknown in a sea of famous faces) I can tidy it up properly. No one will see this draft so... I shall not worry too much but get the work done - for 'tis part of a chapter after all.

Uni is hard work at the mo. I am seriously winding down in my head because of my Bean, it is hard to think of anything with any focus but him. Am starting to know why people say don't get pregnant and try and do a PhD. It is no bad thing, I am still working, I am trying to work hard and focus and am gritting my teeth and getting it done. But it is definitely a clear second in my list of interests at the mo. I am going to finish though if it kills me, I am nearly there! Nearly there, I can see the finishing post. And anyway, I would never want Bean to think he ruined my chances of my PhD, that would be awful. So I shall do both with all my will and then I can chill. Forever if I like! It's a strange one, hbow having a baby takes over all your thoughts, evey waking moment (and sleeping now, dreams are being a bit mental) is spent thinking about Bean. What is there to think about?! I don't know! I just do. Arf. I will succeed though. I will.

Anyway, today is first day back after a week off. Am bound to be dopey! (And a bit sulky?!). I shall ot be having this bank holiday off... I will have Saturday off and will probably work quite badly (as I know from years of patterns thinking a bank holiday won't affect me but it does!) but nevertheless, I shall work.

I haven't heard from my RA about the translations. Oh sh*t oh sh*t he isn't going to do them is he?

x J

Sun Day

It's too sunny to work! Sunny sunshine day! I have tried working, and failed and felt miserable and miserly being inside and flogging myself in front of a laptop on a day such as today.

So I shall go outside and enjoy myself! Tomorrow it will rain again and I can work then. Not a whisper of wind, so peaceful, bees buzzing and a wee bean growing away, fuelled handsomely by cheese baguette.

Hurray!

x J

Better 'fess up

I have done no reading :0( I am being a complete slack-bum and have done nossing.

I did the drawers for our bedroom which now actually looks like a room and is quite lovely, despite the first real morning sickness kicking in! Exciting, but horrible. Anyway, took me ages. Then I made smoothies, had a bath, and then finally came to work and have been looking up the books I need to get tomorrow to do more reading with... And I have done no more than that. Oh, I found some very important papers I will need to read in the next chapter. But, I have no intention of doing more than this. Fact is that even if I start I won't finish anything now today - it is too late and my mind is happily elsewhere (in bank holiday tv and lovely new sitting-room with lovely throw and dim lighting and cosy-ness-land). I am also very tired, which is no excuse I know but does mean that it will all take longer than if I was feeling grand. So, for today, no reading - even though I know this will come and bite me on the arse later in the week when I am stressing about the deadline... but I shall take the risk.

Generally things are progressing though.

Dreading this chat with this random guy tomorrow. UG. I hate the way my sup is always making me 'reach out' to others in the academic community. I am a hermit! Leave me to be a hermit goddamn!

x J

Bank holiday - again

Like buses they are, British bank holidays.

I didn't do any work yesterday in the end - DB and I went to blow my beeday cash in Ikea. On a bank holiday! Normally my worst nightmare! We work from home, why go on a bank holiday weekend?! I tell you why - because I am pregnant. It must come with the hormones. Anyway, it was actually fine and got lots of lovely stuff and my living room is really cosy and grown up looking now (coffee table and everything!) and I feel much more settled. The bedroom is todays task. We got back pretty late yesterday and I spent a while messing with the living room but DB went mental at me and told me to sit down and relax - this is an important week in my pregnancy and he is stressy about me overdoing it. Which is fair enough, I am not really one for sitting around when there is stuff to be done (unless it is uni work of course!) so find it hard to 'put my feet up' when there is a house to be done up!

So my plan today is to fix up the bedroom with the drawers etc, then go for my daily constitutional, then read a couple of essays in this edited volume I am ploughing through... I will probably do that between 3.30 and 6. Then I shall actually chill out for the evening - hopefully DB is going out so I can sprawl on the settee!

Have a big day tomorrow - back to uni to change books again, but also to meet this guy and talk about his fieldwork experiences (ug, hate it, hate it) and then go to a seminar on getting published from 2-4 (hopefully 2-3 but think it is until 4pm). So a full day at uni for me then! It shall be strange and will be interesting to see how tired it makes me! When it is over though I am freeeeee then and no more uni dates until the beginning of June so can just get my head down and work and be pregnant and STUFF.

Oh I did something quite horrible yesterday. I am a bit lacking in spatial awareness since I got preggers, I don't know why... but am aware that I keep nearly falling down holes/into tables etc. Is driving DB a bit nuts, I think he is regretting his choice of incubator for his child. Anyway, yesterday I was busy making our coffee table and had the top of it upturned with all these screws poking out of each corner - and I, obviously, went and skewered my toe on one of them when heading out of the room. How?! HOW?! How did I not know they were there?!!! It didn't hurt actually, but I am aware that the wound has not yet closed properly so, irritatingly, I may yet have to go and get some stitches. I can't be bothered with all that so am holding it closed with a plaster atm. The (un)funny thing is I nearly did it again a bit later. DB was furious!

So there we are. It does start to make completing the PhD more and more unlikely doesn't it?!

x J

Sleepy but accomplished lots!

Worked so hard today, probably did about five hours of complete work which is pretty good I reckon!

Read about five essays and so tomorrow I only have a couple more to read in this edited book then can start on another... which is fantastic because I was going to work on Saturday if I hadn't started a new book by then; I have so much to do for Tuesday! It is such a relief to a) have a deadline and b) to take it seriously and fel pressure and work hard for it. Brilliant.

Found out today too that the panel at the conference today is apparently 'very strong' (not anything to do with me - more the esteemed company of very famous professors I am with!) and so they may produce an edited volume, with contributions from presenters (me!) and other peeps afterwards. So really am very likely to get published! Brilliant, brilliant.

Hmm am sleepy. Am going to make some comfort food for dins (fish, chips and beans!) and basically do very, very little.

Oh, also a lecturer lady at uni who I have a very good email relationship with lives just up the road and has suggested we meet up for a drink sometime. This is great, I reckon we would really get on - sadly though it would have to be coffee and a piece of cake! Secretly though I am completely relieved to have a reason not to drink - the hangovers were just too awful. Anyway, it will be very nice to hopefully make a friend - and a Uni friend at that who has a sense of humour. About bleedin' time!

Oh! Its a bank holiday this weekend! Arses, I am working. :0(

x J

Chocolate Day!

Happy chocolate day all!

I have/am having the most fabulous day - have been out and climbed a massive hill in the sunshiney natural wilderness - and currently have a quiet moment while cooking our roast lamb (with lots and lots of garlic and rosemary!) Easter dins so thought I would post a catch up!

DB and I had a bit of a chat about my work last night and I surprised myself with how down I am about it all. I don't really care about my topic any more, or my discipline, and don't see myself pursuing it as a full-time, full-on career after I have completed. It may be symptomatic of a rough patch when work is boring and uninspiring but generally at the mo the idea of a quiet life, working for a charity, doing pottery at home and art in my spare time and being a writer (want to write more than anything!) and a Mum is what I want. The idea of a full time highy-flying career using my PhD and travelling the globe, doing development work or policy or research does not appeal to me at all. I dunno. It is strange. But I do love my work, my research most of the time - I don't know where this lack of interest comes from. I love thinking about it and working out abstract notions of relationships etc. I just don't reality and nitty-gritty! Silly really.

I also realised that I am definitely going to finish this PhD, and must think more about how I am doing this for *myself*, not for my Sup or DB or whoever and so deadlines should also be for myself, not for someone else. I think I have been putting myself under pressure imagining what my Sup must be thinking of me having not handed in any new chapters yet, which ends up being a nagging thought and feeling of failure - and totally counter-productive. So I will stop that and work for me, and as I get stuff done I will hand it in. So work should start flowing easier now. (I hope!) I also realised that perhaps, theoretically, I have been barking up the wrong theoretical tree with total conviction (again) and so have been more than daft. I forget so easily how flexible this PhD is, and that I need to be flexible and open to new ideas too to get the most out of it. I shall carry on reading about this theoretical direction, and some others, and shall probably end up with a hodge-podge that I am comfortable with (po-mo ideas tempered with critical theoretical authors methinks). And as I realise this I think it will be ok.

I am not really working today - well it is 5.30 already! These lighter, longer days are flummoxing me! I shall work tomorrow though and go for a run. I shall go to Uni on Wednesday I think, swap my books and get out other ones that are more relevant. I think it would also benefit me to stay in the library for a few hours and read through a stack of authors to do with different theoretical directions and see which grab me - speed reading of course - and take them home and make something of them. Aye. Maybe get a kiddies book on development theories too.

So much to learn! I wonder if I am spreading myself too thin and amongst too many disciplines. Atm I have to read literature on international relations of rmy literature review, theory, environmental security, India, humanitarianism, and now development. One could say it is too much! Arg, well development I only need to know enough to say why I did/didn't use a certain approach or know buzzwords. And environmental security is the same.

It all seems very, very daunting and just too BIG. I think it may be valuable to sit down and work out my niggles, write each one out and then deal with it, and make plans for each chapter or section of work I hope to do for the next few months. Not timelines, but plans of action which may make me feel more in control. Maybe I am asking too much of myself before I go out to India again and should just calm down and take it easier (work 'demand'-wise, not actual workwise, I couldn't take it much easier!! Maybe not get out of bed?!!) and then work will probably start flowing again and stop being in such a jam. You know, I think that is it! I shall cut out one of the things I have set myself to do before India and I think this will calm me down a lot. Woooooo! I feel better already!

Panic is soooo useless and, irritatingly, unavoidable (I find). And your stress levles, at a certain point, can be useful but beyond that you get plugged up and your mind becomes blocked and you just pace, pace, pace and can't see any way out. And then you do no work, get demotivated, feel out of your depth, and struggle to get back on the horse. Ug, this PhD is ridiculous!!

It will be OK. Whatever happens, everything nearly always works out to be OK. Not necessarily great, or even fine, but OK. Which sometimes is all you need.

x J