Oooh I have managed to cut and paste about 4,500 words from one of my chapters into my paper!
This is very pleasing. The end result should be between 5-8,000 words (former Sup's recommendation, latter the specification of the conference) which with all the new reading I have done and some editing of todays copy and pasting should be spot on. Not bad for a days work! I also cut some of the text from the chapter and put it into my next one, which was about 2000 words - brilliant head start!
Next I have to read and edit the words I have copy and pasted - do they actually fit in properly? And read through the notes I have made of the new literature and write that in. I have written sub headings into it; well, the main points of the paper from the abstract, and will use them as markers to keep structure. I will rub them out at the end, they are just a guideline. I guess I will add subtitles if feel they are necessary. I find this useful when am not writing completely from scratch because you take your eyes from the text all the time and sometimes don't know where you are when you flick back to it!
I have worked in front of joyful, silly television today. My room was stressing me out as I have allllll my notes in there, all my plans, a pile of work/ideas/articles I don't know if I want to add, and my laptop - it was all rather overwhelming. So I came down with my laptop and one plan and managed to do the copy and pasting in a vaguely leisurely way with the tv for company. Being upstairs was making me feel really annoyed at having to be shut away and working too, so I was skiving until I came down and let myself have the tv and all sorts of distractions - which meant I automatically shunned them, feeling guilty. Cunning plan! DB is out playing tennis and at the pub so will probably come home stinking of beer and fags and being stupid. D'oh! As long as he doesn't interrupt my Wuthering Heights time later!!
Tomorrow I will read quickly through the copy and pasting I did today, see if it actually fits and flows and if there is anything I may have left out, and refresh my memory of the point of the paper in my reading. This may be really quick and easy, setting the scene for the paper really, or be more difficult than I anticipate. This means I am a bit nervous about doing it and not looking forward to tomorrow, but is not worth starting now unless I want to commit to working *hard* until later this evening. Which, quite frankly, I do not.
Is ok though, seeing as I wanted to spend this week getting the paper sorted out and words down, a structure and an idea of what was what - is right on target.
I hope you have all had lovely bank holidays!
x J
Monday 31 August 2009
Horribly late
Oh dear! I have not even started yet! I stayed in bed until 11am! I kid you not.
Am going to get some breakfast and then I shall work alll day until 6pm at least.
Is not the end of the world, but it is terribly naughty ;0S
x J
Am going to get some breakfast and then I shall work alll day until 6pm at least.
Is not the end of the world, but it is terribly naughty ;0S
x J
Sunday 30 August 2009
Sunday work
I worked! AND dum-dum-duuuuuuuuummmmm... we went to the pool! woo!
Now sat in front of come dine with me, thinking about what deliciousness (healthy, mind) I am to munch for dins, looking forward to watching Wuthering Heights on t'tele later and watching my beanie try and kick and punch his way out of my tummy atm.
Finally, finally finished my reading today! Didn't take long and thought I could leave it until tomorrow but the worry about having only two weeks left to do this draft was too much so the reading got done. Is about time I finished it! I have made a plan for the next two weeks. I shall spend the first week getting the structure down, putting in the arguments from the PhD chapter I have already done, working out if I want to add any arguments from my work in India, and re reading and laying down the arguments from my reading. Then, the second week shall be spent filling in the gaps, tightening it up and getting it to a reasonable standard for submission. I am assuming it shan't be submitted on the 15th, but will get it done for then anyway, more time is not a bad thing!
Arg I am tired and hungry, must go and eat!
x J
Now sat in front of come dine with me, thinking about what deliciousness (healthy, mind) I am to munch for dins, looking forward to watching Wuthering Heights on t'tele later and watching my beanie try and kick and punch his way out of my tummy atm.
Finally, finally finished my reading today! Didn't take long and thought I could leave it until tomorrow but the worry about having only two weeks left to do this draft was too much so the reading got done. Is about time I finished it! I have made a plan for the next two weeks. I shall spend the first week getting the structure down, putting in the arguments from the PhD chapter I have already done, working out if I want to add any arguments from my work in India, and re reading and laying down the arguments from my reading. Then, the second week shall be spent filling in the gaps, tightening it up and getting it to a reasonable standard for submission. I am assuming it shan't be submitted on the 15th, but will get it done for then anyway, more time is not a bad thing!
Arg I am tired and hungry, must go and eat!
x J
Friday 28 August 2009
Righty!
Its friday night and am doing my work blog... What does that tell you?!
I worked until about 6 then stopped as the reading, as much as I wanted to get it finished, wasn't going in and I realised I was pretending to read really fast and turning pages, but knew nothing... I have one paper left to go then and it's only 13 pages so should be able to speed through it some time tomorrow? Am starting a new file for this reading as I have realised it can merge into another biblio I have and different themes throughout the thesis, so needs to be organised properly. I am going to get myself a BIG storage system, with different crates for different themes and reading, like 'old literature' (I know what that entails!) and 'new literature', theory stuff, my fieldwork notes and tapes etc, and then my chapters... Lots of BIG drawers with LOTS of room so I can open them and get things out and put them in and yumptiousness. I'll get sommat from Ikea. Everything will need to be filed meticulously so when I come back off mat leave I can just dive straight into it - at the mo everything is tucked into overloaded lever arch files and hidden in wardrobes... not good!
Can't wait to get that done actually. Seeing all my reading may be a bit daunting though - although most of it is actually in my head so is almost impressive! I don't use endnote, still not got round to it but I read and re-read my sources so much so they are internalised and can think about them in relation to each other, have so many plans and synopses of articles and readings and books that that is my library really. We shall see, endnote may come in really useful - but you have to pay for it now, and I would have to go to a class to learn how to use it etc. Am not sure I will ever get round to it!!
Tonight is a quiet one in my house, am making a red sauce for home made pizzas atm and we shall have that with some chips in front of the dire tele that is big brother later... then will read and go to bed! Tomorrow I want to eat healthily all day, do some exercise (dare we mention the pool?!) and then eat some grubby takeaway for dins feeling that it was well earned! I will leave the reading and final planning until Sunday/Monday when I shall do it and then start writing before the day is out - may be better doing something I know I can do as my first job of the day rather than trying to plunge into daunting writing anyway... Is so weird how each time I come to start writing I find it really scary. Every time.
Am going to dare to turn off my laptop now... it has been very ill and wouldn't turn on earlier so I spent part of the day backing everything up and saving it saving it... maybe this is the last time I will use it :0( I haven't had it very long - maybe a year?!
Have good weekends and relax!
x J
I worked until about 6 then stopped as the reading, as much as I wanted to get it finished, wasn't going in and I realised I was pretending to read really fast and turning pages, but knew nothing... I have one paper left to go then and it's only 13 pages so should be able to speed through it some time tomorrow? Am starting a new file for this reading as I have realised it can merge into another biblio I have and different themes throughout the thesis, so needs to be organised properly. I am going to get myself a BIG storage system, with different crates for different themes and reading, like 'old literature' (I know what that entails!) and 'new literature', theory stuff, my fieldwork notes and tapes etc, and then my chapters... Lots of BIG drawers with LOTS of room so I can open them and get things out and put them in and yumptiousness. I'll get sommat from Ikea. Everything will need to be filed meticulously so when I come back off mat leave I can just dive straight into it - at the mo everything is tucked into overloaded lever arch files and hidden in wardrobes... not good!
Can't wait to get that done actually. Seeing all my reading may be a bit daunting though - although most of it is actually in my head so is almost impressive! I don't use endnote, still not got round to it but I read and re-read my sources so much so they are internalised and can think about them in relation to each other, have so many plans and synopses of articles and readings and books that that is my library really. We shall see, endnote may come in really useful - but you have to pay for it now, and I would have to go to a class to learn how to use it etc. Am not sure I will ever get round to it!!
Tonight is a quiet one in my house, am making a red sauce for home made pizzas atm and we shall have that with some chips in front of the dire tele that is big brother later... then will read and go to bed! Tomorrow I want to eat healthily all day, do some exercise (dare we mention the pool?!) and then eat some grubby takeaway for dins feeling that it was well earned! I will leave the reading and final planning until Sunday/Monday when I shall do it and then start writing before the day is out - may be better doing something I know I can do as my first job of the day rather than trying to plunge into daunting writing anyway... Is so weird how each time I come to start writing I find it really scary. Every time.
Am going to dare to turn off my laptop now... it has been very ill and wouldn't turn on earlier so I spent part of the day backing everything up and saving it saving it... maybe this is the last time I will use it :0( I haven't had it very long - maybe a year?!
Have good weekends and relax!
x J
One down...
One article down... one more to go then a little peek at a book I have read before that I know will be useful and then the reading for this chapter should be DONE!
GOOD!
Arg the weather here is pants! It is like the summer has gone :0( Though actually I like autumn and winter so don't know why I am whining... perhaps because I am a wee bit cold.
Just found out my lovely friend that I did my life-changing MA with back in the day (5 years ago!) and who is nearly finishing her PhD in South Africa is also pregnant! I am so happy a) to have a pregnant friend, and b) for her because she is happy. Woke up this morning and Beanie had been so quiet all night, pretty unusual and became quite fretful that all was not well. But managed to elicit a little kick and went back to sleep and all has been fairly active this morning so am reassured. The worry and protectiveness I feel over this baby makes my PhD work seem so simple and straightforward. In this way, being up the stick and doing a PhD is a really positive thing, it puts the work in perspective and I know that I would rather work for days on end with no breaks or sleep than ever have to worry about this mite (more than I already do, just being a Mum = worry) So I love my work and am not so scared of it, nor do I place it on such a pedestal. This makes it a lot more approachable and is a very good thing.
Although I am starting to get a sicky feeling about all the reading I have yet to do to really be completely au fait with my topic. Will it *ever* end?!!!
Off to research some office furniture then to eat some dippy eggs and toast, then back to read this final article and finish off the reading for this chapter. I shall then have a look at the plan I have already and won't leave until I feel confident that all the work will, well, work... and Sunday I shall start to write!
x J
GOOD!
Arg the weather here is pants! It is like the summer has gone :0( Though actually I like autumn and winter so don't know why I am whining... perhaps because I am a wee bit cold.
Just found out my lovely friend that I did my life-changing MA with back in the day (5 years ago!) and who is nearly finishing her PhD in South Africa is also pregnant! I am so happy a) to have a pregnant friend, and b) for her because she is happy. Woke up this morning and Beanie had been so quiet all night, pretty unusual and became quite fretful that all was not well. But managed to elicit a little kick and went back to sleep and all has been fairly active this morning so am reassured. The worry and protectiveness I feel over this baby makes my PhD work seem so simple and straightforward. In this way, being up the stick and doing a PhD is a really positive thing, it puts the work in perspective and I know that I would rather work for days on end with no breaks or sleep than ever have to worry about this mite (more than I already do, just being a Mum = worry) So I love my work and am not so scared of it, nor do I place it on such a pedestal. This makes it a lot more approachable and is a very good thing.
Although I am starting to get a sicky feeling about all the reading I have yet to do to really be completely au fait with my topic. Will it *ever* end?!!!
Off to research some office furniture then to eat some dippy eggs and toast, then back to read this final article and finish off the reading for this chapter. I shall then have a look at the plan I have already and won't leave until I feel confident that all the work will, well, work... and Sunday I shall start to write!
x J
Thursday 27 August 2009
Doing ok
Hmm I worked ok today.
Am getting stressed though as am behind my work schedule and this never happens. I don't mean my plans, but my ultimate has-to-be-done timetable. This is not usual and I shall work hard tomorrow to remedy it before it goes out of control! Am sure it is ok, but I am uncomfortable and that is important.
Worked hard this morning and later this afternoon, had an impromptu haitus this avo after lunch as lots of admin work again... And a bit of hunting for office furniture online - I am going to let DB have my study and will move downstairs. He is too messy and too grumpy to be a permanent fixture in the living room! He is being evicted. Anyway, I am not attached to my study, in fact I don't really like it. It is a mess. Not my mess, just spare room mess. If we turn it into DBs room we will make it a proper study/spare room and will also get lots of storage for it. Is like we didn't move into it properly and stuff just got put anywhere. Bah.
I went for a speed-walk today too! I couldn't go swimming because I wanted to work, so went for a 3mile walk after work instead. Was probably as fast as my jogging so a good workout really.
Tomorrow I shall...
READ! get the reading finish and see how it works into my chapter for writing on Monday. I hope I can get this done in two weeks?! Eek! Is pretty daunting starting to write, am skeered. Two weeks really isn't long enough. Oh dear.
I had my Maternity leave form back from my Sup and he wrote all sorts of lovely things about my work on it :D Am very pleased! If only he knew what a pickle I am always in...
x J
Am getting stressed though as am behind my work schedule and this never happens. I don't mean my plans, but my ultimate has-to-be-done timetable. This is not usual and I shall work hard tomorrow to remedy it before it goes out of control! Am sure it is ok, but I am uncomfortable and that is important.
Worked hard this morning and later this afternoon, had an impromptu haitus this avo after lunch as lots of admin work again... And a bit of hunting for office furniture online - I am going to let DB have my study and will move downstairs. He is too messy and too grumpy to be a permanent fixture in the living room! He is being evicted. Anyway, I am not attached to my study, in fact I don't really like it. It is a mess. Not my mess, just spare room mess. If we turn it into DBs room we will make it a proper study/spare room and will also get lots of storage for it. Is like we didn't move into it properly and stuff just got put anywhere. Bah.
I went for a speed-walk today too! I couldn't go swimming because I wanted to work, so went for a 3mile walk after work instead. Was probably as fast as my jogging so a good workout really.
Tomorrow I shall...
READ! get the reading finish and see how it works into my chapter for writing on Monday. I hope I can get this done in two weeks?! Eek! Is pretty daunting starting to write, am skeered. Two weeks really isn't long enough. Oh dear.
I had my Maternity leave form back from my Sup and he wrote all sorts of lovely things about my work on it :D Am very pleased! If only he knew what a pickle I am always in...
x J
Wednesday 26 August 2009
Ok day!
I worked ok today...
I didn't do much again, i worked from 2.30 to 4.30 which I know is not great BUT it was something, it was proper work and so I am pleased. When one is suffering from a lack of motivation/concentration getting anything done is so hard, so am just going to be pleased with what i did do.
And then I went for a walk for about 40 minutes which I am also pleased with!
Tomorrow I want to work for longer than two hours, finish the reading that I have left to do, and I also want to get my arriss to the pool. We can do it! I will really enjoy it, Beanie will enjoy it and I will be sooooo proud afterwards and can eat biscuits all smug and happy ;0) Finishing the reading will be great too, and then just a bit more planning to integrate the references and knowledge into my current outline, then time to start copy and pasting stuff from my previous chapter and geting a kind of outline. WOOOO!
Told my Sup I aim to be four chapters down by the end of Sept, plus have written this paper... Should be achievable. That would be exciting because they would be four proper chapters - not just chapters I 'think' will exist in the final edit. I am chopping and changing one current chapter to include this recent reading and argument and taking half of that chapter and adding it to another I am yet to start. This is good news and means I am obviously progressing somehow and the work is making more sense all the time. YAY!! I know this must seem ridiculous considering I never do any work. I don't understand how it comes together either.
SO I will be four chapters down: the methodology, the political voice, the Indian voice and the humanitarian voice (this last one is still to be revised). And will be about 30,000 words... Excellent! Then I will need to meticulously plan the lit review and make sure all the sources are easily accessible when I come back, and maybe do a synopsis of each ref for my brain... and definitely work out and draft write the discussion chapter. Then I shall only have the conclusion and introduction to do when I come back next year, and will have 9 months to do it in. Should be possible! (It seems so possible I am actually nervous)
x J
I didn't do much again, i worked from 2.30 to 4.30 which I know is not great BUT it was something, it was proper work and so I am pleased. When one is suffering from a lack of motivation/concentration getting anything done is so hard, so am just going to be pleased with what i did do.
And then I went for a walk for about 40 minutes which I am also pleased with!
Tomorrow I want to work for longer than two hours, finish the reading that I have left to do, and I also want to get my arriss to the pool. We can do it! I will really enjoy it, Beanie will enjoy it and I will be sooooo proud afterwards and can eat biscuits all smug and happy ;0) Finishing the reading will be great too, and then just a bit more planning to integrate the references and knowledge into my current outline, then time to start copy and pasting stuff from my previous chapter and geting a kind of outline. WOOOO!
Told my Sup I aim to be four chapters down by the end of Sept, plus have written this paper... Should be achievable. That would be exciting because they would be four proper chapters - not just chapters I 'think' will exist in the final edit. I am chopping and changing one current chapter to include this recent reading and argument and taking half of that chapter and adding it to another I am yet to start. This is good news and means I am obviously progressing somehow and the work is making more sense all the time. YAY!! I know this must seem ridiculous considering I never do any work. I don't understand how it comes together either.
SO I will be four chapters down: the methodology, the political voice, the Indian voice and the humanitarian voice (this last one is still to be revised). And will be about 30,000 words... Excellent! Then I will need to meticulously plan the lit review and make sure all the sources are easily accessible when I come back, and maybe do a synopsis of each ref for my brain... and definitely work out and draft write the discussion chapter. Then I shall only have the conclusion and introduction to do when I come back next year, and will have 9 months to do it in. Should be possible! (It seems so possible I am actually nervous)
x J
Ok dokey
Today is a late starter I confess... I have just been sorting admin stuff, checking emails and sorting out my maternity leave...
Am just going to faff for about another half hour then the laptop is going off and I am decamping downstairs to do my reading. It worked well yesterday. I will faff with the idea of going for a swim but think I will go for a walk instead and *really* try to go for a swim tomorrow! I am so rubbish ;0) I feel that if I work today and leave the laptop from lunchtime until I finish at around 5 I will get enough done to feel I am off and running and can then incorporate exercise into this routine tomorrow. I want to go twice a week until whenever I have to stop. I look a-ok for a pregnant bird atm, but am definitely lacking muscle tone on my arms bum and thighs which is starting to look ugly. I just have to be bothered enough to go!
Ug we had a chinese last night... and it was vile! So disgusting yuk yuk, a lot of it was clearly reheated or old - the cucumber for the 'crispy' duck was brown and dry!! Ug I ate some then felt quite ill. We got our money back after some wrangling. Gross.
Emailed my RA yesterday to ask for one of the village translations (which would be about 40 mins of dialogue), possibly by Friday, but not heard back. Probably still affected by the swine flu issue that has kept him from doing it since I left...
Skeptical? Moi? Never.
x J
Am just going to faff for about another half hour then the laptop is going off and I am decamping downstairs to do my reading. It worked well yesterday. I will faff with the idea of going for a swim but think I will go for a walk instead and *really* try to go for a swim tomorrow! I am so rubbish ;0) I feel that if I work today and leave the laptop from lunchtime until I finish at around 5 I will get enough done to feel I am off and running and can then incorporate exercise into this routine tomorrow. I want to go twice a week until whenever I have to stop. I look a-ok for a pregnant bird atm, but am definitely lacking muscle tone on my arms bum and thighs which is starting to look ugly. I just have to be bothered enough to go!
Ug we had a chinese last night... and it was vile! So disgusting yuk yuk, a lot of it was clearly reheated or old - the cucumber for the 'crispy' duck was brown and dry!! Ug I ate some then felt quite ill. We got our money back after some wrangling. Gross.
Emailed my RA yesterday to ask for one of the village translations (which would be about 40 mins of dialogue), possibly by Friday, but not heard back. Probably still affected by the swine flu issue that has kept him from doing it since I left...
Skeptical? Moi? Never.
x J
Tuesday 25 August 2009
Hmm, not bad
No, not a bad day of work...
Well, pretty bad as I didn't spend a lot of time doing it, but I did finish a really good journal article and got halfway through another which is great - I want to have finished reading them all by the end of Thursday, then do the final plan and write it on Monday... to have it finished for two weeks later. This should be fine - especially as I have written lots of it already in a previous chapter. Excellent. I also managed to do two loads of washing, change the bed, have a shower, do a shopping list and clean the bedroom. And do some sneaky reading about newborn babies...
So generally a mix of successful/unsuccessful but I can live with it. Tomorrow, I am working hard and hoping to get my fat arse out to the swimming pool though even as I type it I know it is fairly unlikely. I am so out of the exercise loop now, so very far out, I can't bear the idea of it - the pool is just so far away! I wish I could just go out for a run, just 2 miles to make me get back into it. (I probably only want to do that because I clearly can't and could go for a walk but will I? NO).
Have to battle between my intense desire for a takeaway and something healthier for dinner... am off to test the waters now. Werll, is not really a battle. More like trying not to sulk too much if DF does want something healthy and not a chinese comme moi.
I am so BAD!
x J
Well, pretty bad as I didn't spend a lot of time doing it, but I did finish a really good journal article and got halfway through another which is great - I want to have finished reading them all by the end of Thursday, then do the final plan and write it on Monday... to have it finished for two weeks later. This should be fine - especially as I have written lots of it already in a previous chapter. Excellent. I also managed to do two loads of washing, change the bed, have a shower, do a shopping list and clean the bedroom. And do some sneaky reading about newborn babies...
So generally a mix of successful/unsuccessful but I can live with it. Tomorrow, I am working hard and hoping to get my fat arse out to the swimming pool though even as I type it I know it is fairly unlikely. I am so out of the exercise loop now, so very far out, I can't bear the idea of it - the pool is just so far away! I wish I could just go out for a run, just 2 miles to make me get back into it. (I probably only want to do that because I clearly can't and could go for a walk but will I? NO).
Have to battle between my intense desire for a takeaway and something healthier for dinner... am off to test the waters now. Werll, is not really a battle. More like trying not to sulk too much if DF does want something healthy and not a chinese comme moi.
I am so BAD!
x J
Back from Jollies!
I am back! I didn't mean to take the week off but I did... which I really enjoyed but feel very stressed now!
I didn't have any internet so didn't go online, which was lovely. And I did try and do some reading (I took lots with me) but it was taking me ages to read one page when at home it would take minutes so thought I should just take some time off and work hard when I got back... which is now ;0( arses.
Have spent the morning so far unpacking and reading emails, sorting out maternity leave, and getting very hungry. Am going to get some food in a bit, then will start work! I guess I will have to turn the internet off to get any serious reading done. Maybe even the radio too. I have almost exactly three weeks for the deadline for the journal paper, which I have found out is actually a preliminary deadline and is likely to be extended - the actual deadline is the 10 Oct which is grand. I will get a good written draft for the 15 Sept but not worry as much about getting it read through and checked by someone by the 1 Sept so I can hand in a polished version for the 15. With this new discovery that the deadline is a flexible one, and my Sup's advice that I don't take it too seriously at this stage - that the paper is just rough for now so they know what I am talking about and then if they want to publish it (unlikely, me being an unknown in a sea of famous faces) I can tidy it up properly. No one will see this draft so... I shall not worry too much but get the work done - for 'tis part of a chapter after all.
Uni is hard work at the mo. I am seriously winding down in my head because of my Bean, it is hard to think of anything with any focus but him. Am starting to know why people say don't get pregnant and try and do a PhD. It is no bad thing, I am still working, I am trying to work hard and focus and am gritting my teeth and getting it done. But it is definitely a clear second in my list of interests at the mo. I am going to finish though if it kills me, I am nearly there! Nearly there, I can see the finishing post. And anyway, I would never want Bean to think he ruined my chances of my PhD, that would be awful. So I shall do both with all my will and then I can chill. Forever if I like! It's a strange one, hbow having a baby takes over all your thoughts, evey waking moment (and sleeping now, dreams are being a bit mental) is spent thinking about Bean. What is there to think about?! I don't know! I just do. Arf. I will succeed though. I will.
Anyway, today is first day back after a week off. Am bound to be dopey! (And a bit sulky?!). I shall ot be having this bank holiday off... I will have Saturday off and will probably work quite badly (as I know from years of patterns thinking a bank holiday won't affect me but it does!) but nevertheless, I shall work.
I haven't heard from my RA about the translations. Oh sh*t oh sh*t he isn't going to do them is he?
x J
I didn't have any internet so didn't go online, which was lovely. And I did try and do some reading (I took lots with me) but it was taking me ages to read one page when at home it would take minutes so thought I should just take some time off and work hard when I got back... which is now ;0( arses.
Have spent the morning so far unpacking and reading emails, sorting out maternity leave, and getting very hungry. Am going to get some food in a bit, then will start work! I guess I will have to turn the internet off to get any serious reading done. Maybe even the radio too. I have almost exactly three weeks for the deadline for the journal paper, which I have found out is actually a preliminary deadline and is likely to be extended - the actual deadline is the 10 Oct which is grand. I will get a good written draft for the 15 Sept but not worry as much about getting it read through and checked by someone by the 1 Sept so I can hand in a polished version for the 15. With this new discovery that the deadline is a flexible one, and my Sup's advice that I don't take it too seriously at this stage - that the paper is just rough for now so they know what I am talking about and then if they want to publish it (unlikely, me being an unknown in a sea of famous faces) I can tidy it up properly. No one will see this draft so... I shall not worry too much but get the work done - for 'tis part of a chapter after all.
Uni is hard work at the mo. I am seriously winding down in my head because of my Bean, it is hard to think of anything with any focus but him. Am starting to know why people say don't get pregnant and try and do a PhD. It is no bad thing, I am still working, I am trying to work hard and focus and am gritting my teeth and getting it done. But it is definitely a clear second in my list of interests at the mo. I am going to finish though if it kills me, I am nearly there! Nearly there, I can see the finishing post. And anyway, I would never want Bean to think he ruined my chances of my PhD, that would be awful. So I shall do both with all my will and then I can chill. Forever if I like! It's a strange one, hbow having a baby takes over all your thoughts, evey waking moment (and sleeping now, dreams are being a bit mental) is spent thinking about Bean. What is there to think about?! I don't know! I just do. Arf. I will succeed though. I will.
Anyway, today is first day back after a week off. Am bound to be dopey! (And a bit sulky?!). I shall ot be having this bank holiday off... I will have Saturday off and will probably work quite badly (as I know from years of patterns thinking a bank holiday won't affect me but it does!) but nevertheless, I shall work.
I haven't heard from my RA about the translations. Oh sh*t oh sh*t he isn't going to do them is he?
x J
Tuesday 18 August 2009
My Little Girl...
Is actually a boy! I found out yesterday and spent the whole day being gobsmacked! Had an amazing scan and saw beanie stretching, yawning, and drinking in the amniotic fluid! We could see his stomach and everything so all is working just fine. He is currently 18cm crown to rump, with big ol' legs and arms swinging around everywhere (as I notice more and more everyday!) and weighs about 13oz, or 350grams. Wow! ;0)
So, elated parents of a little boy that we were, DB and I went out into the City and got some gorgeous lunch and babygrows... with lions and monkeys on them... awwwwwwwwww. Then came home, bumbled for a bit and went out for dinner! hehe! How extravagant!
Today I am getting my stuff together to go and stay with my Mum in her new shell of a house for a week. I will take lots of work as with no tele and no internet I think there will be plenty of opportunity! (Or I may go to my sisters and play guitar hero?!) I am being quite crap about the work atm, but will make it up this week. I haven't got the intro sorted as I wanted but I do have a better chapter/paper organised instead, which has meant the reading has taken longer. I am confident it taking longer will be worth it. Is the nature of working anyway, it always takes longer than you think, but this isn't necesarily a bad thing if it ends up as a better chapter eh?!
I won't probably post for a week so back on Tuesday!
x J
So, elated parents of a little boy that we were, DB and I went out into the City and got some gorgeous lunch and babygrows... with lions and monkeys on them... awwwwwwwwww. Then came home, bumbled for a bit and went out for dinner! hehe! How extravagant!
Today I am getting my stuff together to go and stay with my Mum in her new shell of a house for a week. I will take lots of work as with no tele and no internet I think there will be plenty of opportunity! (Or I may go to my sisters and play guitar hero?!) I am being quite crap about the work atm, but will make it up this week. I haven't got the intro sorted as I wanted but I do have a better chapter/paper organised instead, which has meant the reading has taken longer. I am confident it taking longer will be worth it. Is the nature of working anyway, it always takes longer than you think, but this isn't necesarily a bad thing if it ends up as a better chapter eh?!
I won't probably post for a week so back on Tuesday!
x J
Sunday 16 August 2009
Hmm
Well, I was meant to work today and did I?
Yes! I read a paragraph! And then slunk away and watched ridiculous tv for hours, and hours, and hours...
If anyone watches Big Brother I would like to say that Bea is a total whining wench. And is really annoying me because that will be Beanies name if she is a pinkie! Baby Bea.
Tomorrow I am not going to work in the morning because I will be nervous for the scan appt we have at 11.20. So I will try and lie in and get up as close to that time, allowing for some good breakfast, as possible so as to prevent time for worrying (and excitement?!) Think pretty much planning to have the day off tomorrow, apart from planning what work to take to my Mums, though even if I don't take any I am confident I will meet the deadline. I will take some though just so I have a reason to spend some time hiding if I want some chill time - you know what families are like! I really wish I was one of those people who can work regardless of their deadline and get it done early. I would be streaking ahead if I could do that! Instead, I skive. Bah.
Happy Mondays y'all, wish us luck for tomorrow!
x J
Yes! I read a paragraph! And then slunk away and watched ridiculous tv for hours, and hours, and hours...
If anyone watches Big Brother I would like to say that Bea is a total whining wench. And is really annoying me because that will be Beanies name if she is a pinkie! Baby Bea.
Tomorrow I am not going to work in the morning because I will be nervous for the scan appt we have at 11.20. So I will try and lie in and get up as close to that time, allowing for some good breakfast, as possible so as to prevent time for worrying (and excitement?!) Think pretty much planning to have the day off tomorrow, apart from planning what work to take to my Mums, though even if I don't take any I am confident I will meet the deadline. I will take some though just so I have a reason to spend some time hiding if I want some chill time - you know what families are like! I really wish I was one of those people who can work regardless of their deadline and get it done early. I would be streaking ahead if I could do that! Instead, I skive. Bah.
Happy Mondays y'all, wish us luck for tomorrow!
x J
Friday 14 August 2009
Working working working working....
I am, as one may have gathered by the title, working! Hurray!
Only downside is that doing lots of work and behaving for a week seems to bring on an almost Pavlovian need for booze and fags and pub and reckless, carefree fun times. I have been sober for almost four months! But no, I shall have fish and chips and watch the tele, faintly bored and restless as always. What do sober people do to have fun?! Ach, I am being whiny because I can't have it all, I know.
Work is going well, I have read my old notes thoroughly and am now starting on a few articles I have that are critical and academic and which will make me feel great and like I have company in my critique. I will probably work until 5ish and then slope off somewhere... Not long then!
Tomorrow I am off, and eating lovely food and cleaning the housey! Sunday I shall do some work, reading articles or gathering the info together into a lovely plan and start to write the Intro. Monday I am off having my darling Beanie scan, and then hopefully being over the moon that all is well and astounded at how big they are.
Then am off to my Mums new house for a week!
Have good weekends all!
x J
Only downside is that doing lots of work and behaving for a week seems to bring on an almost Pavlovian need for booze and fags and pub and reckless, carefree fun times. I have been sober for almost four months! But no, I shall have fish and chips and watch the tele, faintly bored and restless as always. What do sober people do to have fun?! Ach, I am being whiny because I can't have it all, I know.
Work is going well, I have read my old notes thoroughly and am now starting on a few articles I have that are critical and academic and which will make me feel great and like I have company in my critique. I will probably work until 5ish and then slope off somewhere... Not long then!
Tomorrow I am off, and eating lovely food and cleaning the housey! Sunday I shall do some work, reading articles or gathering the info together into a lovely plan and start to write the Intro. Monday I am off having my darling Beanie scan, and then hopefully being over the moon that all is well and astounded at how big they are.
Then am off to my Mums new house for a week!
Have good weekends all!
x J
Thursday 13 August 2009
Laptop Ban
Well, sadly for me the laptop ban worked a treat so I will have to spend more days without it than with it unless I am writing... BOOOO!
Good news though - I worked all day! Like a good normal person. Though I did have a nap at 2.30 cause I couldn't keep my eyes open a second more, for about 20 minutes (not like a normal person). I did wake up unbelievably refreshed though and carried on working through until 5ish when the laptop went on so I could look something up and hasn't yet gone off ;0( I am sooooo undisciplined! My work is going great guns though, I am making notes of notes, which in most minds is probably tedious and pointless but for me is necessary to get the info in my brain ready to splurge it out on paper. And provide a quick reference instead of trawling through all my 'main', detailed notes. It seems the reading I have done is marvellous and am getting more ideas to write about all the time so think this should be quite easy in the end. Time is a bit of a concern, I have this week until Monday, then am at my Mums for a week, then have hmm... maybe two weeks when I get back to write it all up... I should get it done in ten days though if possible so I have time to make amends if necessary. Am not as worried as I was though at all due to my (much whined about) meeting with dear Sup who has put my mind at ease a treat.
I think much of this paper will go into a chapter I have already written :0( but means I will take out about half of that chapter to contribute to the one I am writing next :0). So will contribute about 4/5000 words to the overall total. I did some totting up yesterday of the overal PhD chapters and how many words I anticipate/have written for each and it is coming in at a worrying 55000! Eek! I am notoriously verbose so hope I can fill it up ok, and know it is probably best to write less and fill it up than write more and have to edit... But still, I wonder if I have trimmed it down so much there is not much left apart from a big MA dissertation?!! Speaking of verbosity, my future Mother in Law is doing a masters and she had written 6000 words of a 2000 word essay - and hadn't even finished it. I couldnt help but stare and feel quite a strong disapproval as she told me. I used to be terrible for this but was brought into line quite swiftly by my Sup who was quite rude about my apparent designs to become Virginia Wolf. I really wanted to get my hands on her writing and help her cut it down! What a nightmare! Maybe she likes editing though, I am not such a fan it takes tooooo long.
Anywho! Am off to run a lovely bath and look through my notes for tomorrow then am making a lovely dinner for me and DB as we are celebrating Beanie's half-birthday. Would go out for dins but we went on a hugely expensive luxury shop yesterday where I got all the meat and fruit I could get my mitts on, and we are saving the pleasure for Monday after our 20 week scan (and maybe find out the gender of this 'un?! It's a girl, I know this anyway ;0))
Laters y'all!
x J
Good news though - I worked all day! Like a good normal person. Though I did have a nap at 2.30 cause I couldn't keep my eyes open a second more, for about 20 minutes (not like a normal person). I did wake up unbelievably refreshed though and carried on working through until 5ish when the laptop went on so I could look something up and hasn't yet gone off ;0( I am sooooo undisciplined! My work is going great guns though, I am making notes of notes, which in most minds is probably tedious and pointless but for me is necessary to get the info in my brain ready to splurge it out on paper. And provide a quick reference instead of trawling through all my 'main', detailed notes. It seems the reading I have done is marvellous and am getting more ideas to write about all the time so think this should be quite easy in the end. Time is a bit of a concern, I have this week until Monday, then am at my Mums for a week, then have hmm... maybe two weeks when I get back to write it all up... I should get it done in ten days though if possible so I have time to make amends if necessary. Am not as worried as I was though at all due to my (much whined about) meeting with dear Sup who has put my mind at ease a treat.
I think much of this paper will go into a chapter I have already written :0( but means I will take out about half of that chapter to contribute to the one I am writing next :0). So will contribute about 4/5000 words to the overall total. I did some totting up yesterday of the overal PhD chapters and how many words I anticipate/have written for each and it is coming in at a worrying 55000! Eek! I am notoriously verbose so hope I can fill it up ok, and know it is probably best to write less and fill it up than write more and have to edit... But still, I wonder if I have trimmed it down so much there is not much left apart from a big MA dissertation?!! Speaking of verbosity, my future Mother in Law is doing a masters and she had written 6000 words of a 2000 word essay - and hadn't even finished it. I couldnt help but stare and feel quite a strong disapproval as she told me. I used to be terrible for this but was brought into line quite swiftly by my Sup who was quite rude about my apparent designs to become Virginia Wolf. I really wanted to get my hands on her writing and help her cut it down! What a nightmare! Maybe she likes editing though, I am not such a fan it takes tooooo long.
Anywho! Am off to run a lovely bath and look through my notes for tomorrow then am making a lovely dinner for me and DB as we are celebrating Beanie's half-birthday. Would go out for dins but we went on a hugely expensive luxury shop yesterday where I got all the meat and fruit I could get my mitts on, and we are saving the pleasure for Monday after our 20 week scan (and maybe find out the gender of this 'un?! It's a girl, I know this anyway ;0))
Laters y'all!
x J
Wednesday 12 August 2009
End of an Era
Oh I am sad :0(
I am finishing Uni soon. Seeing my Sup yesterday confirmed it, the way we talk and chat, the way I know everything about my work, the way I have no more research to do, they way we talk about the chapters I have to write and when I will complete them for... It is all coming to the end! I can see the fencepost! I don't like it! Not one jot. I will be so sad when I finish. Happy and delighted and FREE but sad.
I also found out that my Sup is leaving me :0((((( I adore my Sup, we have been together since the beginning of my foray into politics and he is my Mentor and my friend and a lovely Grandad all in one. He is so clever and kind and manages me perfectly - by seemingly not managing me at all. Like that perfect teacher at school who brings out the best in you by simply believing in you. He won't be there when I finish and this makes me feel even more like it is the end of an era and like I have to work as much as possible to use him while he is here. In a strange way him leaving will make me finish even more quickly because I won't enjoy it as much without him. My other Sups will be lovely and my associate Sup is a great guy, and by then I should be racing toward the finishing line anyway and not need steering as such... But it won't feel as fun. I will almost feel that I too have outstayed my welcome.
So yesterday was a sad day. But also really reassuring! Because we didn't have a stack to talk about I could ask lots of 'silly' questions like 'is it ok that my ideas are starting to feel quite stale to me and uninteresting?' which, when you are meant to be working on something that is an' original contribution to knowledge' is not a good thing. But it is entirely normal at this stage, phew! I said about how even the most exciting ideas I had now seem really obvious and unoriginal and I keep trying to find other people who have said it too. I also came clean about a couple of possible conspiracy theories I have (a danger in the world of critical political commentary) and he completely agreed with me and said that is quite the line in the department! I was so happy and felt like my mind was still working a-ok and am not so much of a hermit that I have stopped thinking and that I am still in a common ground of thought (if a rather controversial one but that is fine)
We also talked about the conference and what to expect and he told me that this paper should only be in draft, and not to worry about dotting all the 'i's' and crossing all the 't's' as only a handful will be chosen for publication anyway. References don't need to be perfect and some of it can even be in note form! This is *brilliant* news and am totally chilled with it all now, I will just get it done without worrying that it is an MA dissertation or something. He also gave me tips for the presentation which souds very relaxed. People will wander in and out of the presentation room during the panel and people will flick through their manuals and papers and stuff and not be completely focussed like the most riveting lecture in the world ever - (or uni presentations!). I will have three main points, will outline them at the beginning and go through them and before I know it my ten minutes will be up. Super! And breathe...
SO I have to get my skates on! I have decided to start working more in the evenings - being pregnant has had the bizarre side effect of making tele really boring and inane so doing some work in front of it will be good - mainly lit review readings that I can't fit into the day.
I have to start work then. Lots of reading to do today.
x J
I am finishing Uni soon. Seeing my Sup yesterday confirmed it, the way we talk and chat, the way I know everything about my work, the way I have no more research to do, they way we talk about the chapters I have to write and when I will complete them for... It is all coming to the end! I can see the fencepost! I don't like it! Not one jot. I will be so sad when I finish. Happy and delighted and FREE but sad.
I also found out that my Sup is leaving me :0((((( I adore my Sup, we have been together since the beginning of my foray into politics and he is my Mentor and my friend and a lovely Grandad all in one. He is so clever and kind and manages me perfectly - by seemingly not managing me at all. Like that perfect teacher at school who brings out the best in you by simply believing in you. He won't be there when I finish and this makes me feel even more like it is the end of an era and like I have to work as much as possible to use him while he is here. In a strange way him leaving will make me finish even more quickly because I won't enjoy it as much without him. My other Sups will be lovely and my associate Sup is a great guy, and by then I should be racing toward the finishing line anyway and not need steering as such... But it won't feel as fun. I will almost feel that I too have outstayed my welcome.
So yesterday was a sad day. But also really reassuring! Because we didn't have a stack to talk about I could ask lots of 'silly' questions like 'is it ok that my ideas are starting to feel quite stale to me and uninteresting?' which, when you are meant to be working on something that is an' original contribution to knowledge' is not a good thing. But it is entirely normal at this stage, phew! I said about how even the most exciting ideas I had now seem really obvious and unoriginal and I keep trying to find other people who have said it too. I also came clean about a couple of possible conspiracy theories I have (a danger in the world of critical political commentary) and he completely agreed with me and said that is quite the line in the department! I was so happy and felt like my mind was still working a-ok and am not so much of a hermit that I have stopped thinking and that I am still in a common ground of thought (if a rather controversial one but that is fine)
We also talked about the conference and what to expect and he told me that this paper should only be in draft, and not to worry about dotting all the 'i's' and crossing all the 't's' as only a handful will be chosen for publication anyway. References don't need to be perfect and some of it can even be in note form! This is *brilliant* news and am totally chilled with it all now, I will just get it done without worrying that it is an MA dissertation or something. He also gave me tips for the presentation which souds very relaxed. People will wander in and out of the presentation room during the panel and people will flick through their manuals and papers and stuff and not be completely focussed like the most riveting lecture in the world ever - (or uni presentations!). I will have three main points, will outline them at the beginning and go through them and before I know it my ten minutes will be up. Super! And breathe...
SO I have to get my skates on! I have decided to start working more in the evenings - being pregnant has had the bizarre side effect of making tele really boring and inane so doing some work in front of it will be good - mainly lit review readings that I can't fit into the day.
I have to start work then. Lots of reading to do today.
x J
Tuesday 11 August 2009
Crippins
Ug I am in a foul mood today, should be best left under a rock to mumble and mutter to myself...
But instead my Sup has said he can see me today! Woo! So fabulous! I told him I don't have anything to talk about, and not only that but I went and spilled coffee all over my only maternity jeans this morning so have been scrubbing at those for the last half hour to ge them ready for my meeting!
DF is being lovely and am trying not to be too prickly and annoying but generally whenever I open my mouth something sharp and unpleasant comes out of it. And DF told me he is off to cornwall tomorrow so I shall be on my todd until Sunday and am trying to cheer up for our last day but am just a Grump and that is that... but we will miss him! Being on my own will be odd as DF and I have been together permanently it seems since I got pregnant and in India we spent a lot of time together... but then being on my own will be quite nice, will do lots of work, exercise, go shopping and be able to watch whatever I want on tele. And spend lots of time with Beanie.
Work is going ok today but it is boring me to *death* even though it should be interesting and pleasing as all my notes so far seem to back up my argument which can only be a Very Good Thing. However, in my dark gloomy world of eyeore it is all boring and rubbish!
I am such a grump. What on earth will I talk to my sup about? This is my first impromptu meeting I believe... I have nothing to show him but notes and scribbles - I haven't even had time to read through my responses from the fieldwork properly yet (considering I only got home on Friday!)
Arf. Suppose I should print some stuff. Why oh why can't I just be left alone under my rock?!!
x J
But instead my Sup has said he can see me today! Woo! So fabulous! I told him I don't have anything to talk about, and not only that but I went and spilled coffee all over my only maternity jeans this morning so have been scrubbing at those for the last half hour to ge them ready for my meeting!
DF is being lovely and am trying not to be too prickly and annoying but generally whenever I open my mouth something sharp and unpleasant comes out of it. And DF told me he is off to cornwall tomorrow so I shall be on my todd until Sunday and am trying to cheer up for our last day but am just a Grump and that is that... but we will miss him! Being on my own will be odd as DF and I have been together permanently it seems since I got pregnant and in India we spent a lot of time together... but then being on my own will be quite nice, will do lots of work, exercise, go shopping and be able to watch whatever I want on tele. And spend lots of time with Beanie.
Work is going ok today but it is boring me to *death* even though it should be interesting and pleasing as all my notes so far seem to back up my argument which can only be a Very Good Thing. However, in my dark gloomy world of eyeore it is all boring and rubbish!
I am such a grump. What on earth will I talk to my sup about? This is my first impromptu meeting I believe... I have nothing to show him but notes and scribbles - I haven't even had time to read through my responses from the fieldwork properly yet (considering I only got home on Friday!)
Arf. Suppose I should print some stuff. Why oh why can't I just be left alone under my rock?!!
x J
Monday 10 August 2009
Endoffirstdayback
Well, I have survived!
I am still a bit confused about the work... but am positive about it, hurray! I started to read through my notes and realised I should try and remind myself of what my PhD is actually about (a few weeks away on fieldwork will do that to you) so printed off my completed chapters (yes, all two of them - sounded grand for a while there though) and realised that one of them has practically all the answers in it! So I am going to plagiarise that a treat and bulk it up and swap it round with my more recent readings. Which is just great and, once I have it all organised and planned, should take about 10 days to write... which fills the two weeks I have (not including the week I am about to spend at my Mums).
So I am going to plan tomorrow and Wednesday, then write from Thursday and have the introduction done for Monday. I have emailed my Sup and announced my presence in the UK and told him I don't need to see him really until September and promised him the intro so he can see what I am up to... And I emailed my contact re: the Prestigious International Conference to say that I, regretfully, have to decline his offer to present... Craziness. Won't be telling Sup about *that*!
Am knackered (have a lovely twitch in my right eye when am stressed and tired these days, I thought it would go once India was over but no, it is here to stay. I don't like it!) and brain dead after my attempts at organising and doing a full days work so am off to hang around and be free of having to straitjacket my thoughts. Tomorrow I shall read through all my notes and re-read the chapter already written and then should have a clear idea of how it all fits in together. Oh, and I am going for some exercise. Bah.
x J
I am still a bit confused about the work... but am positive about it, hurray! I started to read through my notes and realised I should try and remind myself of what my PhD is actually about (a few weeks away on fieldwork will do that to you) so printed off my completed chapters (yes, all two of them - sounded grand for a while there though) and realised that one of them has practically all the answers in it! So I am going to plagiarise that a treat and bulk it up and swap it round with my more recent readings. Which is just great and, once I have it all organised and planned, should take about 10 days to write... which fills the two weeks I have (not including the week I am about to spend at my Mums).
So I am going to plan tomorrow and Wednesday, then write from Thursday and have the introduction done for Monday. I have emailed my Sup and announced my presence in the UK and told him I don't need to see him really until September and promised him the intro so he can see what I am up to... And I emailed my contact re: the Prestigious International Conference to say that I, regretfully, have to decline his offer to present... Craziness. Won't be telling Sup about *that*!
Am knackered (have a lovely twitch in my right eye when am stressed and tired these days, I thought it would go once India was over but no, it is here to stay. I don't like it!) and brain dead after my attempts at organising and doing a full days work so am off to hang around and be free of having to straitjacket my thoughts. Tomorrow I shall read through all my notes and re-read the chapter already written and then should have a clear idea of how it all fits in together. Oh, and I am going for some exercise. Bah.
x J
Back to work and the real world!
Well, am back at my desk and have had my usual smoothie and coffee breakfast...
Checked my emails, bought some lovely new shoes, had 10 hours sleep and a dream that my mother and brother ate my sausages while I had a loo break at dinner. I was very angry. And am in my lovely new maternity trousers from topshop which are stretchy soft skinnies but with a superb elastic waist for me and bean to fit into when I am sat down. A dream!
Spent the weekend thinking about the conference offer and have decided... not to do it. Two weeks before my due date is too close! I will probably be having practice contractions, won't be sleeping, will be exhausted from supporting and growing a 6lb human who could be born any day. Plus I have realised that Beanie really does react when I have been stressed or overly busy by hiding and going quiet, which leads me to think that they are not really fans of adventure or changes to routine (very much lke me!) and at this stage in their life I think stress should be best avoided if they react negatively to it - I can't bear the idea of having a stressy baby. And on top of that, just because the conference is in Dec it doesn't mean there won't be a hangover from it that lasts into Jan/Feb with a) poeple contacting me about the presentation (I wish!) or b) the organisation wanting me to complete/revise a paper or STUFF. I can't be doing that, I am OFF work from Christmas Eve. I am otherwise engaged in Decemeber - I am already busy having a baby. I can't push aside my pregnancy or baby as if it is a mere inconvenience. If it was my 5th pregnancy then ok, but it is my first. It was such a hard decision to make - it would have been ten times easier to just say 'yes'. But I have to learn to make decisions like this I guess, recognising Bean as a vital part of my life, not something that can be pushed aside. I have always hated that style of parenting and wondered why people have kids if they didn't think their life would change, or been sad for women who have to be seen to be doing it all, keeping the house, bringing up the kids and having a successful career... Beanie comes first and this was my first test in this respect...
Man it was hard though! I would do it in a heartbeat in my 'normal' life! But I am different now. :D I will email them today and say I can't do it and maybe they will email back and suggest a middle ground that didn't mean I have to go along or something.
Loving the British weather! Was like a steam room in India, sooooo humid it was obscene. I would just sweat sitting down! Here it is lovely and warm but fresh at the same time. I can deal with that ;0)
Right, anyway, onto today! What the chuff am I doing? I was meant to exercise today but think I will leave that until tomorrow (!) as I have enough to do today trying to work out where I am with all the work. I have a paper deadline for Sept 15th. I have a 20 week scan for Bean on Monday and then DF are going out to celebrate with some lovely dins and a bit of Beanie shopping (our first excursion!) in the City, should all be well afterwards, then am off to my Mums new house on Tuesday for a week. I shall take work with me but will use this as a good deadline to Get Stuff Done.
What stuff?!
Checked my emails, bought some lovely new shoes, had 10 hours sleep and a dream that my mother and brother ate my sausages while I had a loo break at dinner. I was very angry. And am in my lovely new maternity trousers from topshop which are stretchy soft skinnies but with a superb elastic waist for me and bean to fit into when I am sat down. A dream!
Spent the weekend thinking about the conference offer and have decided... not to do it. Two weeks before my due date is too close! I will probably be having practice contractions, won't be sleeping, will be exhausted from supporting and growing a 6lb human who could be born any day. Plus I have realised that Beanie really does react when I have been stressed or overly busy by hiding and going quiet, which leads me to think that they are not really fans of adventure or changes to routine (very much lke me!) and at this stage in their life I think stress should be best avoided if they react negatively to it - I can't bear the idea of having a stressy baby. And on top of that, just because the conference is in Dec it doesn't mean there won't be a hangover from it that lasts into Jan/Feb with a) poeple contacting me about the presentation (I wish!) or b) the organisation wanting me to complete/revise a paper or STUFF. I can't be doing that, I am OFF work from Christmas Eve. I am otherwise engaged in Decemeber - I am already busy having a baby. I can't push aside my pregnancy or baby as if it is a mere inconvenience. If it was my 5th pregnancy then ok, but it is my first. It was such a hard decision to make - it would have been ten times easier to just say 'yes'. But I have to learn to make decisions like this I guess, recognising Bean as a vital part of my life, not something that can be pushed aside. I have always hated that style of parenting and wondered why people have kids if they didn't think their life would change, or been sad for women who have to be seen to be doing it all, keeping the house, bringing up the kids and having a successful career... Beanie comes first and this was my first test in this respect...
Man it was hard though! I would do it in a heartbeat in my 'normal' life! But I am different now. :D I will email them today and say I can't do it and maybe they will email back and suggest a middle ground that didn't mean I have to go along or something.
Loving the British weather! Was like a steam room in India, sooooo humid it was obscene. I would just sweat sitting down! Here it is lovely and warm but fresh at the same time. I can deal with that ;0)
Right, anyway, onto today! What the chuff am I doing? I was meant to exercise today but think I will leave that until tomorrow (!) as I have enough to do today trying to work out where I am with all the work. I have a paper deadline for Sept 15th. I have a 20 week scan for Bean on Monday and then DF are going out to celebrate with some lovely dins and a bit of Beanie shopping (our first excursion!) in the City, should all be well afterwards, then am off to my Mums new house on Tuesday for a week. I shall take work with me but will use this as a good deadline to Get Stuff Done.
What stuff?!
- Sort out notes from fieldwork and put in a pile in a corner somewhere to be read.
- Get out paper planning info and read through, work out where it is going again and whether it will be good enough.
- Email Sup and say am home now and ask if he wants to meet at all.
- Think about if my fieldwork fits into the paper.
- Think about if my fieldwork fits in my PhD so far... eek!
Hmm. Think today is a sort of organising day really. Better get on with it I suppose!
x J
Friday 7 August 2009
Home sweet home!
Ah I am home now! I would have blogged before but wow my computer was so poor at the internet cafe - the keys would all stick and the writing was so small and blurry I couldn't tell what on earth I was writing...
SO let me think... I was pretty worried about my RA and if the work was going to come off... well the two of them managed to go off and complete three more villages for me so in total I got half of the total villages covered I originally wanted but still about 100 respondants because lots of people would go to the groups! I have the original notes from the interviews in English, I have the recordings and I have cassette back-up for them, and I have photos of the interviews! So all in all, absolutely brilliant. I have also paid Kuna in advance to type up each interview properly, as dialogue for me which he will do over the next two weeks. I feel bad for ever doubting them, but put that down to the control freak in me... they did a marvellous job am unbelieveably lucky.
Was so pleased, we had our last meeting yesterday at lunchtime, and DB and I were due to leave at 4.30pm. Was so incredibly stressed and worried and nervous but all went well, they filled in their time sheets (which were somewhat on the generours side - claiming it took 1 hour to travel to an interview 3km from the main town and that I went on too! It didn't take an hour!) but anyway, was so great they did it for me and so well I didn't care too much, is fine.
Am not working now until Monday when I will read through the notes and the questionnaires I got back and start to piece together an idea of the 'Indian voice' and take it from there... AM very excited about this, but also nervous about what is going to be brought up - if it fits into my PhD ideas as they are at the mo or totally turns my ideas on their head, which is a bit iffy when I have a journal paper deadline in 6 weeks!
Interestingly I have also had a request to present as part of a panel at a very prestigious international conference in the UK this year, which is fantastic - they have even listed how I can get funding if necessary to get there and what to write about as goes my topic! I am so flattered, just so flattered. That anyone thinks my research is remotely of interest and contemporary is brilliant because of late, quite honestly, I have been thinking it is a pile of old-hat, two-bit nonsense and thinking I should change it to get more modern. I do need to tweak it but... ANYWAY, the main point IS, that this conference is on the 19 Dec - I will be 8.5 months pregnant and ready to drop any day!! Oh my word. I just don't know if I can do it?! I will be massive, so pregnant, my brain will be mush and all about the baby and nothing else - let alone presenting at a massive conference - the biggest career move of my working life so far and a terrific compliment to the other international conference I am presenting at in October... And writing a paper at that stage?! Eek!! *But* how proud would I be if I do it? And how much will it help me get published, get a job, get a book on the go? Get people hearing my ideas and maybe even wanting to talk about them to me? This is a real buzz and has got me back in the IR fold (temporarily, am still dead against being a permanent academic, but is pretty exciting stuff!) as well as got me confident and excited about my own research again. Well, sort of, it has also made me really scared of my work as I am sure it is well below parr for these conferences so far and am skeered of looking quite the fool.
Oh dear, oh dear, what to do?! They emailed me the other day and are now waiting on an answer. They don't know I am pregnant (I don't know them apart from that we work remotely on a postgrad networking site for an IR organisation together. Well, he works, I pretend to have a clue what is going on which I really, really don't) as is no obvious reason to mention it though now, if I do agree to do it with them then I would have to say that actually I may give birth at any time so may not actually turn up. What is the deal with this? Would the worry bring on labour or stress me and Bean out? Is a big Career vs Baby quandary. I am greedy for personal success if I can get it - and if a big tick in a very public and large box is offered to me I should take it, especially in the writing up stage! But but BUT - what comes first? I am so far away from being *that* pregnant I can't possibly imagine how I will feel. Maybe I should ask my midwife. And my Mum. DF thinks I should do it and has said he will drive us there and look after us. The conference would be mainly sitting on my bum anyway, and the presenting bit is only half an hour tops. BUT it is the stress before hand when I hoped I would be starting to wind down and put the work away, it is the worry about presenting (hate it - don't we all?!) and networking and writing the paper as well as having my writing-up monitoring meeting at the Uni, and handing in the first draft of the whole PhD! Then having my first baby!
Is it too much? I know this stage of the PhD is pretty full-on and this is fine - if it isn't all during the last month of my pregnancy?! I mean, spread it out a bit eh?!!!
Arf I dunno. Am off to read outside and continue to ponder. I do miss cigarettes and wine and good chats at times like this...
Have good weekends all!
x J
SO let me think... I was pretty worried about my RA and if the work was going to come off... well the two of them managed to go off and complete three more villages for me so in total I got half of the total villages covered I originally wanted but still about 100 respondants because lots of people would go to the groups! I have the original notes from the interviews in English, I have the recordings and I have cassette back-up for them, and I have photos of the interviews! So all in all, absolutely brilliant. I have also paid Kuna in advance to type up each interview properly, as dialogue for me which he will do over the next two weeks. I feel bad for ever doubting them, but put that down to the control freak in me... they did a marvellous job am unbelieveably lucky.
Was so pleased, we had our last meeting yesterday at lunchtime, and DB and I were due to leave at 4.30pm. Was so incredibly stressed and worried and nervous but all went well, they filled in their time sheets (which were somewhat on the generours side - claiming it took 1 hour to travel to an interview 3km from the main town and that I went on too! It didn't take an hour!) but anyway, was so great they did it for me and so well I didn't care too much, is fine.
Am not working now until Monday when I will read through the notes and the questionnaires I got back and start to piece together an idea of the 'Indian voice' and take it from there... AM very excited about this, but also nervous about what is going to be brought up - if it fits into my PhD ideas as they are at the mo or totally turns my ideas on their head, which is a bit iffy when I have a journal paper deadline in 6 weeks!
Interestingly I have also had a request to present as part of a panel at a very prestigious international conference in the UK this year, which is fantastic - they have even listed how I can get funding if necessary to get there and what to write about as goes my topic! I am so flattered, just so flattered. That anyone thinks my research is remotely of interest and contemporary is brilliant because of late, quite honestly, I have been thinking it is a pile of old-hat, two-bit nonsense and thinking I should change it to get more modern. I do need to tweak it but... ANYWAY, the main point IS, that this conference is on the 19 Dec - I will be 8.5 months pregnant and ready to drop any day!! Oh my word. I just don't know if I can do it?! I will be massive, so pregnant, my brain will be mush and all about the baby and nothing else - let alone presenting at a massive conference - the biggest career move of my working life so far and a terrific compliment to the other international conference I am presenting at in October... And writing a paper at that stage?! Eek!! *But* how proud would I be if I do it? And how much will it help me get published, get a job, get a book on the go? Get people hearing my ideas and maybe even wanting to talk about them to me? This is a real buzz and has got me back in the IR fold (temporarily, am still dead against being a permanent academic, but is pretty exciting stuff!) as well as got me confident and excited about my own research again. Well, sort of, it has also made me really scared of my work as I am sure it is well below parr for these conferences so far and am skeered of looking quite the fool.
Oh dear, oh dear, what to do?! They emailed me the other day and are now waiting on an answer. They don't know I am pregnant (I don't know them apart from that we work remotely on a postgrad networking site for an IR organisation together. Well, he works, I pretend to have a clue what is going on which I really, really don't) as is no obvious reason to mention it though now, if I do agree to do it with them then I would have to say that actually I may give birth at any time so may not actually turn up. What is the deal with this? Would the worry bring on labour or stress me and Bean out? Is a big Career vs Baby quandary. I am greedy for personal success if I can get it - and if a big tick in a very public and large box is offered to me I should take it, especially in the writing up stage! But but BUT - what comes first? I am so far away from being *that* pregnant I can't possibly imagine how I will feel. Maybe I should ask my midwife. And my Mum. DF thinks I should do it and has said he will drive us there and look after us. The conference would be mainly sitting on my bum anyway, and the presenting bit is only half an hour tops. BUT it is the stress before hand when I hoped I would be starting to wind down and put the work away, it is the worry about presenting (hate it - don't we all?!) and networking and writing the paper as well as having my writing-up monitoring meeting at the Uni, and handing in the first draft of the whole PhD! Then having my first baby!
Is it too much? I know this stage of the PhD is pretty full-on and this is fine - if it isn't all during the last month of my pregnancy?! I mean, spread it out a bit eh?!!!
Arf I dunno. Am off to read outside and continue to ponder. I do miss cigarettes and wine and good chats at times like this...
Have good weekends all!
x J
Saturday 1 August 2009
Stressed and worried :0(
Arf I am so worried today. I woke up worried having had dreams all night about being chased by rage-filled zombies like on the film 28 days later, and they knew I had the jab to be immune from the rage and they wanted it, wanted it! *Actually* it was a tamiflu jab which as far as I know is for flu and not Rage. hmmm silly zombies.
It is Saturday today. I emailed my RA yesterday and have not heard back yet, this is ok but I really want to know what he thinks he can or cannot do for me. If I meet him on weds and he tells me that he has not been able to do any more interviews then I will be spitting chips in between enormous great sobs of despair (I fly home on Thurs). I dread it and wish he only knew and would tell me it will be ok. I don't want to trust other people any more! Will he do the work? Will he not do the work? Arg! I have done four interviews which means I have 40 respondants at the mo. I wanted 120, but will easily settle for 80, this is a good amount for a small study and is just four more interviews of an hour each. But can he do them in time? Does it matter if he doesn't do them in time? Can he do them when I am back in the UK? No, because I can't get the recordings - he can't get them from the recorder onto his computer to email to me. The original recordings are of paramount importance to my study as I need to hear them for myself and get a gist of how the interview went, and get a second, objective translator to study them for me too so I have a thorough overview of what happened. *I* need the raw info, this is the first rule of research! I can't not have that recording, and i can't rely on a translation by my RA who writes in pigeon English. So they msut be done between now and Thursday at 4pm. And I am *not* coming back to this place. I like India, but hate working here, hate this town I have chosen for my study. Is such a bloodthirsty place with local people begging from white people, and I am just one of them and I hate it. And it is low season so it has a palpable feeling of faint desperation and soulessness. I may sound dramatic but it is true - the local people prey on tourists yet hate them, really hate them. It is gross to be part of but is the only place I can stay. And anyway, in itself is an interesting part of the case study, just depressing as hell.
Arg arg arg. I wish I could see into the future.
I am panicking about arriving home and realising I have not done a massive chunk of the work and that it is too late. I think this is probably a fairly typical experience and probably talked about in lots of helpful fieldwork books under a chapter title of 'leaving the field' and/or 'exit strategies'. Books that are miles away from me. I do feel like I am only just getting anywhere, I do feel that I am going to go home and realise I have *nothing* of any merit, or unanswered, gaping holes in the research, I do feel completely at the mercy of now, the present, and in a quandary about how to make the most of it so, in effect, I am now paralysed with worry.
SOsosososossssoooooo I am taking the afternoon off at 2pm. I have struggled not to burst into pathetic, self indulgent tears twice today already and DB has decided he too is a bit fed up of his work. So we are going to be bums, I will probably cry and wail about what a cr*p researcher I am for a while (I am, I just am the worst researcher in the world - I am far, far too shy and this makes me feel quite depressed - especially as I am quite on show with DB knowing my every move (or lack of) and being so confident and charming himself. He can talk to anyone about anything! I can't at all, I am a clam. What kind of a resaercher is a clam?!!) and then I will lose at scrabble. Again. (Which is rubbish DB does not beat me at scrabble but somehow he is on a winning streak.)
I am whiny, I know. I apologise. Its lonely doing research is all I can say. And evidence of another PhD 'test' I guess, that of leaving it and being able to 'let go' of the field and start to move on to another chapter... Is a big deal. It probably should be noted as well that when this part of the research is over I am officially entering the 'writing up' stage - and no longer in active research. This is pretty scary. In september I start the fourth year of (apparently but not quite, courtesy of wee beanie-pie) four. I am on the home strait. It is nearly over. I have to start talking about the work like I know what is going on, it has to start making sense, with ends neatly tied up and bows knotted and arranged for public display. I also have to know a) whether this research trip was useful and b) what I found out on it and c) what this *means* - why should people care? I don't know this, for, as yet, I have no information and my RA has it all in his Tamil-speaking, translating power. I have nothing but the time to whine on this blog.
Hmmmph. Doing a PhD is *hard*. I hate how unpredictable it all is!
Good news though, (yes, there is some!) my Mum has bought a house in the UK about 2 hours away from me, where my bro and sis live too so am off to stay with her (with my work of course!) on the 18 Aug for a week odd and be pampered and have the use of a whole new fridge of delights and Ma-cooked roast dinners. And we are going on my first beanie shopping trip as the 20 week scan is the day before - and we find out the sex! Ooooh! girlorboygirlorboy...
!!!
x J
It is Saturday today. I emailed my RA yesterday and have not heard back yet, this is ok but I really want to know what he thinks he can or cannot do for me. If I meet him on weds and he tells me that he has not been able to do any more interviews then I will be spitting chips in between enormous great sobs of despair (I fly home on Thurs). I dread it and wish he only knew and would tell me it will be ok. I don't want to trust other people any more! Will he do the work? Will he not do the work? Arg! I have done four interviews which means I have 40 respondants at the mo. I wanted 120, but will easily settle for 80, this is a good amount for a small study and is just four more interviews of an hour each. But can he do them in time? Does it matter if he doesn't do them in time? Can he do them when I am back in the UK? No, because I can't get the recordings - he can't get them from the recorder onto his computer to email to me. The original recordings are of paramount importance to my study as I need to hear them for myself and get a gist of how the interview went, and get a second, objective translator to study them for me too so I have a thorough overview of what happened. *I* need the raw info, this is the first rule of research! I can't not have that recording, and i can't rely on a translation by my RA who writes in pigeon English. So they msut be done between now and Thursday at 4pm. And I am *not* coming back to this place. I like India, but hate working here, hate this town I have chosen for my study. Is such a bloodthirsty place with local people begging from white people, and I am just one of them and I hate it. And it is low season so it has a palpable feeling of faint desperation and soulessness. I may sound dramatic but it is true - the local people prey on tourists yet hate them, really hate them. It is gross to be part of but is the only place I can stay. And anyway, in itself is an interesting part of the case study, just depressing as hell.
Arg arg arg. I wish I could see into the future.
I am panicking about arriving home and realising I have not done a massive chunk of the work and that it is too late. I think this is probably a fairly typical experience and probably talked about in lots of helpful fieldwork books under a chapter title of 'leaving the field' and/or 'exit strategies'. Books that are miles away from me. I do feel like I am only just getting anywhere, I do feel that I am going to go home and realise I have *nothing* of any merit, or unanswered, gaping holes in the research, I do feel completely at the mercy of now, the present, and in a quandary about how to make the most of it so, in effect, I am now paralysed with worry.
SOsosososossssoooooo I am taking the afternoon off at 2pm. I have struggled not to burst into pathetic, self indulgent tears twice today already and DB has decided he too is a bit fed up of his work. So we are going to be bums, I will probably cry and wail about what a cr*p researcher I am for a while (I am, I just am the worst researcher in the world - I am far, far too shy and this makes me feel quite depressed - especially as I am quite on show with DB knowing my every move (or lack of) and being so confident and charming himself. He can talk to anyone about anything! I can't at all, I am a clam. What kind of a resaercher is a clam?!!) and then I will lose at scrabble. Again. (Which is rubbish DB does not beat me at scrabble but somehow he is on a winning streak.)
I am whiny, I know. I apologise. Its lonely doing research is all I can say. And evidence of another PhD 'test' I guess, that of leaving it and being able to 'let go' of the field and start to move on to another chapter... Is a big deal. It probably should be noted as well that when this part of the research is over I am officially entering the 'writing up' stage - and no longer in active research. This is pretty scary. In september I start the fourth year of (apparently but not quite, courtesy of wee beanie-pie) four. I am on the home strait. It is nearly over. I have to start talking about the work like I know what is going on, it has to start making sense, with ends neatly tied up and bows knotted and arranged for public display. I also have to know a) whether this research trip was useful and b) what I found out on it and c) what this *means* - why should people care? I don't know this, for, as yet, I have no information and my RA has it all in his Tamil-speaking, translating power. I have nothing but the time to whine on this blog.
Hmmmph. Doing a PhD is *hard*. I hate how unpredictable it all is!
Good news though, (yes, there is some!) my Mum has bought a house in the UK about 2 hours away from me, where my bro and sis live too so am off to stay with her (with my work of course!) on the 18 Aug for a week odd and be pampered and have the use of a whole new fridge of delights and Ma-cooked roast dinners. And we are going on my first beanie shopping trip as the 20 week scan is the day before - and we find out the sex! Ooooh! girlorboygirlorboy...
!!!
x J
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