Done and Dusted

Sooooo, I have taken down my notice board and removed all my personal effects from my desk... and replaced them with DBs things... have moved a couple of bits and bobs so it is more 'spare roomy' and am officially kicked out!

Strange... Am not quite used to it yet but will be come Monday I reckon.

I cannot believe that I have no work now until September next year. Well, I say that but then this morning after months of silence I got an email from a possible translator person saying they have done the translation - well, have got someone else to do it. So I will have to get it off this new person, check it and I guess, pay them and should give them the rest if it is good, strike while the iron's hot. I haven't actually budgeted for that and if I am suspended from Uni, will I get it refunded?! It's christmas and am up against it financially as it is lol. Harrumph! I haven't actually heard from Uni yet about my maternity leave either, some kind of written confirmation that I am on mat leave and that I will be paid would be really appreciated! And will my uni card work any more? I just don't know.

Oh well, it would be impossible not to keep my hand in in some way anyway. Can you do a PhD and have time off?! Unless you are on a desert island or something... where there is email access there is work... I realised this morning that I just don't do time off, not proper, proper time off. Sometimes I have managed a week in spain or whatever, but still think about work and have even, gulp, taken work with me. When I went to Guatemala I was also working. Always thinking and working on it. BUT is only for now, tying up loose ends. When I have my baby I think I will be too busy to work ;0)

Laters!

x J

Same old Same old!

Well, this was meant to be my last week before I started maternity leave... And it still is my last week - but I haven't done any work!

So embarrassed, I am officially the crappest PhD student in the history of PhD students. Seeing as I don't study my PhD... BUT in my defence I have realised maybe it is because I don't have to?!

I was under orders from my sup to write as much down as I can now, before going on maternity leave. Which I thought was a fab idea and each day this week I have gone to do just that - to no avail... So I went for a walk yesterday to clear my head and get some focus and motivation for the afternoon after yet another unproductive morning, but came back none the wiser. THEN it occured to me last night that perhaps I have nothing to splurge?! That perhaps I am organised and up to date with my work and have no 'loose ends'? Seeing as whenever I think to do some writing I think 'oh, well I have that written in my chapter plan' or 'I have that down already'. Albeit in note form, but there nonetheless and ready for some fluffing when I have reaquainted mytself with the sources better etc. I know exactly where I am with each chapter and even each chapter has in it at least a thousand words of guff I tend to add as I go along, after sup meetings and when I rejig my chapters.

So maybe I am not working because the work is already done! Am not saying I have written out to the Nth degree everything I can think of to do with my PhD, that would be silly. But I have written out everything I can that doesn't need hours of reading and books around me for references or new source material.

So my plan now is to dismantle my room ;0) I cannot wait. Unfortunately DB needs the room for his office now, but hopefully won't need as much room as me and I will still take down my notice board, calender and bits and bobs and put them in my drawers. I will check that each of my chapter draws is looking tidy and accessible (they are) , that they have book lists in them if necessary, and a brief explanation of where I am at with that chapter (all done as I went along). As long as I feel I can come back to it ok. I do want a certain level of mystery, I will need to get everything out and pore through it still,l after 9 months off, but hopefully this will all serve to reignite my brain fires and get me back into it - I won't be able to just plough on with it just from a chapter synopsis and book list anyway.

So think I am done! Will spend this afternoon packing stuff up and turning the room into a spare room and mini office for DB to work in - he is in Cornwall at the mo as his grandad passed away. He will be back this weekend and banished upstairs to work - I can't possibly relax and be on holiday when he is in the sitting room working away, taking work calls and huffing and puffing with stress etc. Is awful and makes me feel really guilty just lazing about reading or making cakes.

So that's me! Will probably come back for a whine and undoubtedly post a picture of my lickle baby when it comes... only 4/5 weeks now till my due date! Can't wait to give into the warm fuzziness that is baby brain... And can't wait to come back next year and carry one working, completel my PhD and be Dr Mum! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

x J

Wheeeeeee!

I heard from my Sup and he sent me such a lovely email!

He reckons my plan to take mat leave from the 1 Dec is very sensible and to spend the time I have left writing down as much as I can, however rough. This I shall do. He also said that he will still be at Uni at the beg of Sept when I return (my new return-to-work date) so I can see him then, instead of worrying now about any official handover to a new team of Sups! *Brilliant*

AND then he said that I can't count on geting rid of him anyway because there is a part time job in the offing for looking after motherly PhD students! - Me! - Wheee! So he isn't going to completely leave me anyway but still be there unofficially (I reckon) to help. Excellent!

This is the best news ever. He doesn't say anything about wanting me to see him before going on Mat leave but tells me to have a lovely time. Not having to go into uni again would be brilliant - is up the most enormous hill, even bigger than my bump! Is a long way for a preggers lady. Am so happy, I can now spend this week writing whatever is in my head and putting my notes away, knowing that is what is best for my return. I can look forward to my mat leave with my Sup's blessing and look forward to my return, being in capable hands. If my Sup is going to help me finish too then I *have* to finish, I was slightly worried about being left to my own devices too much and disappearing off the radar.

Am so pleased, so pleased!

My village is swathed in mist today, it looks like something out of harry potter. Am going to go for a walk and then come home and have a bath and later light the fire and watch silly tele. Much the same tomorrow, then Monday will get writing anything I know that may be of use when I come back in Sept. Next week is my last week! Then am freeeeeee to have my baby. No worries about research groups, about work, about disgruntled supervisors, about being a big fat unproductive skiver.

Hurray! :0)

x J

Handed in notice...

I chickened out yesterday, but just now I managed to write and send my email to my Sup saying I am going to take maternity leave from the end of next week!

I told him what I had been up to, what I was planning to do and how will arrange myself for my return next year. Also let him know that I will come and see him whenever he fancies, am just not going to be working full-time on my research any more but can still come into Uni for meetings. Hope to seem like I am wanting to work but just can't as am too pregnant, but am flexible and willing to be available still if he wants to chat. I expect I will need some kind of handover to a new supervisor too - so don't know if I need to sit down with them and go through my work or not. Arg, that is nasty! I really just want to pack it all up now, am losing my mind over to baby-ness as we speak!

Can't wait to have his reply, even though I am really scared of it, so I can start to know where I stand and what my plans are going to be for next week. I told him I wasn't free on Mon or Tues as Tues I have a scan etc and I want Monday to do any planning for our meeting.

My baby has hiccups! Am huge now and is very hard not to just feel pregnant all the time. I am so happy I have made my decision to stop work at 35 weeks of pregnancy so I can relax and enjoy what little time I have left to myself and get organised for the bean's arrival! I can't believe how fast time has gone since I got pregnant... But I am pleased with what I have achieved - I have written two chapters properly, planned and become comfortable with the final thesis, been to India to complete my fieldwork and done my first international conference presentation. It is half-written. Not bad going for a preggers PhD student.

My first ever brand new washer dryer is coming today :0) Am sooooo excited and can't wait to load it up with beanie's nappies and clothes. Haven't wanted to wash them in my old washing machine as it is second hand and really manky. Not for my baby, no! So today is quite a symbolic day of ending one style of life, where the PhD takes precedence as it has done for the past three years, to one where Beanie and baby-brain take over (for the meantime...)

Hurray!

x J

Change of Plan

Soooooo, I have made a Big Decision today and am delighted.

After yet another day of non-work I decided that I will bring my maternity leave forward to the beginning of December rather than waiting until the 18 Dec. I just can't work - I don't want to work, I can't bring myself to care about it! I don't want to read about aid in India, about politics about *anything*. This is soooo unlike me, I love my job and my research and cannot think of any reason why I am being like this. I have had time off, I have got a plan, I am not stressed etc etc. All I can think is that I am just too pregnant. I am not always sleeping well - or at all even, some nights I sleep from 2-5 and get up! - I am getting some scary contraction feelings and can't work the day after that as I am, well, worried! I just want to sleep, eat, read, plan for Bean and potter about. Doing nothing in particular. Let my mind run free.

I spoke to an eminently sensible friend who has done a PhD and then had two babies and she reckons that this time of the pregnancy is hard to be anything other than pregnant and a bit dopey, and that when I come back I will probably work harder than I could ever do now and am so likely just to get the job *done*. My time to work will be so precious I won't waste it like I do now. And I will complete it. I WILL. So I am going to talk to my Sup about bringing the mat leave forward. This will have to be unofficial, though seeing as uni breaks up for xmas on the 18th is only two weeks out and I won't miss anything but the dept xmas party - and more importantly, they won't miss me. Then I would, also unofficially, return at the beginning of Sept and so be there for the beginning of term which would be more useful than returning at the beginning of Oct anyway. Just means a month less of being with Beanie full time, but I honestly think that would be preferable to the guilt I feel wasting time now. I feel *so* guilty and cr*p. Anyway, I won't be without Bean, I'll just be working too.

I hope my supervisor lets me go for it. The thought of being able to spend the next week winding down, tidying eveything up and then not having it hanging over my head is amazing. A joy! I just can't do it any more! I am going to go to my sup with timelines and thesis plans for my return, a chapter plan and outlines, printouts of completed chapters so far (or at least a synopsis of each chapter, working biblios and word count). I shan't make it sound like I am ducking out, but that it is best for all and I will return with huge verve and, usefully, a brain that isn't obssessed by babies ;0)

Exciting! I shall organise it all tomorrow and email him.

Other than that, today I emailed my RA to ask him if he has done any translations and asked about my mat leave at the uni.

Tomorrow will be so much better than today!

x J

Monday monday

Hmmm. I didn't work today! I worked hard on Friday am, then went for a swim with a friend. DB was in Cornwall as his granddad has been terribly ill but then he drove back on Saturday night as I had some weirdness with a creepy neighbour over the road and his family were being a bit intense.

So I didn't work on the weekend as I had planned and today has been, I have to admit, awful. I sat down to quickly read some emails and get on with some reading, and haven't got off the computer! How do I do this to myself?

Is so funny (as in stupid, not ha-ha) too because this is what happens after every big peice of work. I work really hard, get the work done, then have some structured time off, and still have more time off when I come back to work. Is anyone else like this?! Doing a PhD takes sooo much time, and in fact time is what I don't actually have. yest I do, I know I do and this is why I skive. I wish I could dupe myself into thinking I *have* to work. It has been three weeks since I did any proper work :0(

I have five weeks before I leave Uni totally for maternity leave (18 Dec). That's nothing! I wonder what it is I want to have achieved in this time. I feel blue and cast asunder (yes, cast asunder!) because I haven't been in Uni for ages, nor do I want to go in (keep missing the research groups as they are on Weds avo and I am never here for some reason) but I feel guilty; because this is my last few weeks with my Sup before he leaves, because I haven't done what I wanted to do, which is finish this chapter last week and be on the next and final one... I feel bad about all this but unable to rectify anything and so am a bit blue. Basically I shouldn't feel guilty about the research groups, I have a PhD to finish and a baby on the way - anyway, I really haven't been here on that day. I just worry my Sup is slagging me off in his head (daft, daft). I can't stop Sup leaving nor can I make up reasons to go to see him if I have none just to use his time while he is available. I can't do what I wanted to do as this chapter is going to take MONTHS not weeks to do properly. Realising this is development in itself, not a failing. And I can't do the next chapter without having done this one and well!

Basically I feel bad I think because I hate this chapter and have to knuckle down and get on with it but really, really don't want to. All I want to do is loll about, reading and being pregnant - even though doing that every day would drive me mad with boredom. I think I have a touch of pre-holiday excitement, you know when you are off on holidays/leaving your job or something and your motivation flys out of the window as you sit around daydreaming?!

Ok, I shall not go online for the week in working hours and shall read, then I will feel so much better! I will feel in control, like a good student and not like a money-wasting skiver. I have to start working now anyway, I have so little time left!

x J

Ummm

Well, I worked yesterday! Worked quite well in fact and wrote out my final work plan for between now and when I stop working on the 18 Dec...

Realised I will only get this chapter done, which means I will have only half of the PhD finished. This is not good considering I was meant to have it *all* done... but is good when you think that it is the 'hard' half of analysis and thinking. I will have the discussion chapter to write, though a lot of that is already written and planned; and the intro and concl, and lit review - not too mentally taxing. So am hopeful and scared at the same time, which is pretty much the story of my PhD life.

Went to a 'bumps and babes' meeting this morning with some other 'bumps', sat a very hot room and had a coffee and chat and it was all very strange. Am really finding it hard to equate Bean with being an actual human being. It was a bit, well, mumsy too but as long as I get to stick with my bump friends that should be ok - they are pretty cool and not at all mumsy - phew! The glimpse of my future was pretty scary out of context... lots of holding of babies, feeding, lots of plastic accoutrements (prams and car seat carrier things and play mats), baggy clothes, big thighs, big boobs, straggly hair and jaffa cakes. This is *not* me. But then, when I have my own bean I may well be that person but just one in a group of many - not to be confused or cameoflaged by them... I can maybe see why women fret about losing their identity when they have a wean. I guess it depends who you hang out with - I don't have to go back to that church hall-style group but maybe find myself a more funky one that includes a glass of wine or a newspaper or something... !!

Workwise I haven't done any today. DB has had to go to cornwall as his grandad is dying. I haven't gone as I am banned by DB as the car is horribly uncomfy for me and bean now, and I really need this few weeks to get my reading for this chapter done. He wasn't very close to the grandad - he is going for formality and to be there for his family really and should, I hope, be home soon. Is a bit of a surprise though and am home all alone for the forseeable. I don't like it much but then again it is a good excuse to hole up and do some work. And I am making friends aroundabout and am off to bumps and babes again next thurs so shall see some people then for a social.

Well, I should try and get back into my work for the last hour of the day! Ug, I really didn't mean to have the whole day off. Tomorrow I will impose my laptop ban again in the morning and get into the swing of work. I find it depends what I start doing in the beginning of the day that sets the tone - if I start it by checking emails etc, that is what I do all day then. If I start by doing work then I will generally work all day. Am officially not seeing a sausage tomorrow, so will get my head down good and proper...

Funny it has taken me three years to work that out.

x J

Ps. I ordered our washer dryer today! Am ridiculously excited about getting my first very own, not second-hand electrical appliance. It will work, be quiet and efficient, will be clean and will be ALL mine! And it is a dryer! So we can dry beanies nappies. Am just stupidly pleased about it ;0)

Not quite back yet, but back!

So the in-laws left today which heralds the end of my lovely LOVELY week off; doing nothing but making cakes and stews and cleaning my house and pottering and reading :0) How lovely - lord knows when I shall be abel to do such things again with a baby on the way and a PhD to finish...

So am pretty refreshed and my mind has put my last chapter to bed properly - am a lovely clean slate for the new chapter... Was meant to work today but spent the day sorting the house out from our guests and getting the spare room back to being my office! Tomorrow I am working from 9.30 - 1pm and then off into the City to see DBs new office! He has got an actual office, no more working in the same house together! Am sad about this as I will miss his company (though he is only going in to it about 3 times a week) but is great if it means he leaves his work outside the front door, can work when we have Bean and it will help me work too as I wil be bored on my todd otherwise. No one to distract me or for me to make cups of tea/fancy lunches for!

I have about 3 weeks of full time proper working left before I reconsider according to how I am feeling and it is all going. I will then go part time until the end of term - which is the 18 Dec! So late, is a bit annoying really. On the one hand I am wanting as much time as possible to work, on the other I am so keen to have at least a week to myself again before we are on popping duty - what if I have the baby before the 18 Dec? I would then be going from work to baby without any kind of break which would be sad. So beginning of Dec I think I shall relax more than I work, but keep my hand-in...

Anyway... is so hard not to just be pregnant all the time now - am the size of a bungalow and growing all the time! It is dark and wintery and I am adoring cooking and cleaning and being terribly domesticated. Work doesn't really fit into it! Eek! Don't tell my Sup!

Will work hard tomorrow am - may not be online as I have reading to do that is offline, and thinking too, and don't want to be distracted. Every minute counts at the mo!

x J

love time off :0)

Just popping in to brag about my lovely time off (not entirely guilt free but whatever)...

It is working a treat! Managed to get out for a walk today which I never feel I have time for when am working as it makes me sooo tired, and have been daydreaming and being all pregnant. Realised today that I am finally forgetting about my paper and last chapter topic as well as the chapter I want to start - this is great news. Great I am forgetting about the last chapter as it means it won't be cramming my mind any more, and fine about forgetting the new one as it means I am not stressing about it or getting confused about the different strands of it. I am a clean slate.

I am also becoming resigned to the fact that there is no way I am going to be as ready to go on mat leave as I hoped/anticipated. All I can say to make myself feel better about this is that the work I *have* been doing is of good quality and won't need much attention on my return. Is no point having done lots of chapters that then need a heck of a lot of revision, that actually would be worse than having done a few well. Am sad for my Sup as I worry he will be disappointed but then DB reminds me that he hasn't worried before, wasn't worried recently (in fact the opposite, was keen reassure me I was doing fine) and if he *was* worried now he hasn't piped up! Am really very sad though because I only have 6 odd weeks of him being my sup left. Gosh this makes me sad. End of an era for me, he has been my mentor and friend in all this since I was 25 :0( Oh well, I was always going to have to say goodbye at some stage.

Have also realised that I think I may be a bit more pregnant than the docs think, so due around xmas rather than new year. After a girl that is a month ahead of me preggers-wise popped her bubs surprisingly yesterday I am thinking that maybe I should start realising how close to the end I really am! I could go any time from early Dec and not be considered unusual! So I will really work hard from next week and then pack everything up and go seriously part-time in Dec until I feel I can't work any more/have finished this chapter (hope, hope) whichever comes sooner...

Anyway, am sloping off now to hunt down some dins!

x J

Transition week

I have decided to have a transition week, which is basically a nice way of saying I am having it off ;0)

We were meant to be going to cornwall this week but DB decided not to... so we went to my mums last night and went out for beeday dins for my sis and came home today. Thought this was a good idea as it gives me more time for my work until I realised this am that actually I was dreading coming home - the whole house is like my office and the thought of coming home just to sit at that desk and try and work out what the heck is going on with chapter was awful! So talked with DB and decided he will work upstairs and I will take off two days fully, to slob about and get my head and motivation together. The last chapter and presentation and paper etc was a *big* deal, and the culmination of a lot of work and concentration, I am not a robot and can't really expect to be able to just sit down again a week later and just start working really hard on a new chapter. I need a bit more time than that, to exorcise the last chapter and focus on the new one. So am not working this week! Will chill until Thursday properly, then may do some planning work on Thurs/fri - not in my office though - and come back on Monday raring to go, with the whole climate change malarky behind me and fieldwork analysis in front. It is not about being bored or procrastinating, is an active break away to recharge my batteries. Hurrah!

I am confident this will work so am determined to make my house my relaxation space again - not my office!

x J