Sent Off...

Ahhhh!

I am biting my nails with fear but the thesis has been completely and utterly finished with corrections, all new formatting etc etc...  and I have sent it to the internal examiner!

eeeeeek!

I hope, hope, hope it is ok.  Hope, hope, hope.

Crikey knows how long she will have it for, she is veer busy so could be weeks until I get it back, during which time the baby will be born!

Baby is doing fine, after thinking he was breech he is not, and I have finally found a nursery for Bean to go and have some fun at over the spring and summer :) 

Everything is starting to finally, after months and months of being up in the air, fall into place.  OUr new life begins :)

I just HOPE the thesis is ok.

I wait, and wait... 

Eeeeek!

x J

So nearly there :)

I have practically finished!

All the main points have been addressed, am waiting to hear back from Sup on a couple but am not too worried.

I have sorted the pagination, re-formatted it, checked and double checked that it is all laid out to the uni specifications and sorted the translations properly :)  So I am literally just waiting for sup to get back to me on those points and for the actual Viva Report.  Once I have that I can send it all off to the uni copyzone to be officially bound and sent to the library!

Can't believe it!  Maternity leave - and the rest of my life - awaits!  So close I can smell it!

x J

Sun, sun, sun!

Oh it is a beautiful, beautiful day!

But what am I doing?!  Bladdy working that's what!  Grrr.  My husband and child have gone to some local gardens by the coast for a picnic and I am here, alone, bahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Am SO unimpressed.

I have to work tho, there is no getting away from it!  I have to have this done asap then every day will be mine :)  (as my sup reminded me yesterday.  This is such a short period of my life, literally one or two weeks...  and then it will all be over!)  The baby is making inklings that it might want to appear sooner rather than later too so I really have to get on with it!

I have got the Saturday paper that I love and some nice food for lunch.  So will work for a while and then sit outside for a reward. 

I will have this done for Tuesday!

x J

knackered

Oh I feel old and worn out :)

have worked my socks off to get as much done in these past couple of hours as I can and think I have cracked it.  Tho it could be garbled, hyperactive nonsense.  I have sent the work off to Sup and hopefully won't have to do too much more brain work.

I do have to re-format the bugger, check the refs as endnote will have naffed up my bibliography, check the refs through and sort out the translations so they are in proper English. 

This I shall do over the weekend then send the final draft to Sup. 

Then I shall hopefully have finished, finished, finished :)

x J

Getting there

Am so nearly there :)

Just got back from my last ever meeting with Sup, and last ever visit to a Uni - certainly as a student!

We went through the list of corrections and I have little bits to do here and there...  the translations and formatting will take the longest rather than brain work.  He helped me cut a few corners so I didn't get too bogged down in reading and is confident I shall have it wrapped up in a week or so (by Tuesday in my world!)

Then I shall have to wait on bureaucracy.  I can't send in my revised thesis until I have received the formal report - apparently what I have is an informal email just to help me finish this beggar before I pop a sprog :)  (very kind of them).  And then I can send the thesis for binding, and then hopefully someone will take the thesis from the copyzone and walk it over the hall to the research admin  hub where they can then formally accept it.  However, they may not want to do The Walk insisting instead that I do it myself, or I might need to sign some release papers, or have someone pick it up by proxy... 

So whatever happens, Tuesday will not be the End as such, but it will be end of any serious brainwork (unless the thesis is sent back to me for better corrections tho Sup thinks this is unlikely) and then is just a case of sending it off at the optimum time, to the right people. 

Exciting times!

So better get on with the last bits while I still remember what they are.  Have until 5 today to work, then am working tomorrow while my family go out for a picnic at the beach (sob).  Will chill out tonight as am shattered - baby not letting me sleep!

x J

Got the Report; Am Nearly There

God I can hardly dare to believe it...

but I got the corrections report and it stresses that there are 'very minor corrections' to be looked at, and I have nearly completed the list :) 

I have had the work back from Sup that I sent (poor thing, the whole bladdy thesis was sent to him for him to trawl through) and he says it is looking really good, am really nearly there with it all :)

I have today to work, off to see sup tomorrow and work in that city's uni library, then working over the weekend and on Monday afternoon.  I really hope to have it done for Tuesday. 

By 'done' I mean as much as I think I can do for now.  One thing I have learnt with this PhD is that it is never really over.  I can't imagine when sup will actually agree I can send it to the internal examiner for re-assessing.  And then obviously she has to say it is ok - but she won't tho...  it will get sent back to me again, and we shall go through the whole rigmarole until my children have left home having completed their own degrees and I will be a mumbling shell of a person.

But it could be over.  It could.

Gotta work!

x J

Conclusion chapter all done now!

Sup has emailed with some teeny corrections for the concl which I have done while Bean plays 'washing up' (drowning the floor in water in the process. I am, ahem, studiously ignoring it).

He thinks I am doing well to have done all the work I have but to be fair, he hasn't looked at it yet :(  It is rough around the edges to say the least.  Is so hard doing this while up against such a deadline.  Am terrified am going to go into labour at any time which is upsetting enough because, obviously, I want to be able to look forward to meeting my newborn not be bloody stressing about fecking up the PhD!

Ho hum.  It will all work out.  DB has really kindly offered to do a shorter day tomorrow and is taking Monday off so I can work. 

Am just so tired and don't feel well.  I know my body is telling me to stop, stop, stop.  Brain is knackered!  But I can't and bah.

Corrections report is in the post.  Am dreading it, can't bear to look at what I have missed and have yet to do!

Am really whiny, sorry.  And I got myself into this pickle! :)  I suppose I had no idea that after submission everything would drag on for so long!

Great news is that a lovely local nursery have managed to find room for bean to start next week, for one day a week.  Ahhh!  Bliss!  he will love it, and the routine will help him (us) settle down into our new lives I think.  He is not happy at having moved house at ALL.

Am not working now, but will be back at around 6ish to spend the evening doing my translations.  Hurray!

x J

And Sleep

Arf I have worked my brain dead socks off today.

I still have so much to do but have made a proper dent in it today. 

It is strange now how I happily work with the entire thesis in front of me.  Chapters feel very small!  I can dart around the whole thesis and know it and my 300 references inside and out.  I know each paragraph and argument and can navigate around it quickly - which sounds like it should be obvious considering I wrote the damn thing for years but actually, when you finish it is surprising how the thing as a whole is still daunting!

I think I have done some decent amendments today.  Some stuff like not being too dramatic in my phrasing and toning down some of my arguments (I can come across as rather over zealous apparently :)), or at least putting the alternative viewpoint(s) in there so readers know I am aware of them have been ok.  Is a lot of highlighted stuff which is what shows I have made changes. 

Still I know in my heart of hearts I am working as fast as I can to get the bare minimum standard met.  I am not flourishing about, I am not reading more than I should and I am literally working to save my ass rather than impress anyone.  I don't know how this will go down.  It might be enough - lord knows my Sup has been keen to impress on me that I am NOT re-writing but making minor revisions/re-writes...  And I can remember now more clearly what the points were in the viva so can address them as I go along and see what mistakes I have made (lots!).

I think being able to see the mistakes is really pleasing, it shows that even tho I was working so much before I submitted I really have learnt how to write so much better.  I can self-correct now I know my tics and writing does feel a lot more fluent.  I can concentrate so much more on what I want to say rather than how to say it in an academic way :)  This is really pleasing and makes me feel Very Grown Up.

Still lots to do though.  My brain/back/ankles are getting tired but I can't really afford to stop!  Will carry on for a bit longer and then will have to be patient and do some more tomorrow night.

x J

Got today and Friday

To do LOTS of work!  Oh, I shall try and grab time over the weekend too :)

Today I am reading and writing up the extra lit I need to add.  Am worried that my brain seems to have gone on holiday today but hope that I shall just push through it!

Not much to say really, just have to get on with it...

 x J

back, thank goodness

Ah.  Today I have a lot of time to work, thank goodness.

I have so much to do, and yet so little.  not enough to warrant putting it off for a year but then enough that without childcare etc I am worried it won't get done in time.  This worry is making me less than sociable and I keep crying at DB about the pressure of being a stupid housewife along with being heavily pregnant, not sleeping, having numb fingers (makes typing and writing notes interesting) and looking after Beanie AND trying to finish work when NO BUGGER (him) will help me out.

So he is helping out :)  Gave me a big cuddle and everything even tho I clearly said that being married sucks if it means I am basically a cleaner (but then, true if you do as much cleaning as me).

I have to get some breakfast as I am starving, and get on with reading this article I need to address in the intro (prob the lit review bit) veer quickly. 

yesterday I knocked two points off my to-do list which is GRAND and added about 1000 words to the thesis overall.  As far as I am concerned the conclusion is now done, but have sent to Sup to confirm.  I also tackled the stuff in the methodology the examiners wanted me to expand on (which I HAD done then sup told me to take it out...  so I put it back in with a bit of editing).  It really is so different working on it now to a few years ago, or even last year.  I now read not to learn so much as to just pillage what knowledge I can as quickly as I can.  Like an editor would I suppose.  Good practice for marking essays I guess...  (not that I will ever do that!) and writing papers without spending HOURS on it etc.

Today I am going to just work as fast as I can to address as many points as I can.  Want it FINISHED!

x J

Back to work!

Right.  These next ten days I am hoping are the final push, starting today.

I can rarely work for very long and hope that Sup's comments and indicators will help me focus on what needs to be done rather than nicer flourishes.  I am now 35 weeks pregnant and therefore liable to pop a baby any time 10 days from now (OMFG) and really need to know that can happen without er, fucking my life up.

So I have about an hour now, then we have to go to my nieces birthday party this aft.  I would like to work a bit more later while DB is doing Bean's bedtime, then I shall zonk!

Tomorrow I hope to work while DB is out with Bean buying things for this baby (Bumpy).  This should be a few hours :)  It is crackers how pleased I feel with myself when I have managed to work for half an hour while Bean is playing with a sleeping bag...  I needed to find notes yesterday so did this while he played.  The thought of a few hours alone to concentrate seems like bliss!

I shall also see if grandma can look after him a couple of afternoons this week.  That would be amazing.  Those hours and then working through bed/bathtimes and I can get this done - only the bare minimum sadly - but done.

Better get on. 

x J

Apparently I CAN do it!

Sup emailed back and apparently I am being rash and it is all fine?!

Am stunned.  Really, the last email made it sound like I really needed to pull my socks up but apparently my revisions to the conclusion I did earlier in the week are fine and so, apparently, that chapter is finished?!  The remainder of the work, he assures me, can be done just fine.

Hmmm.  I am working on it now as he really has put in so much effort for me to get me finished that it would be rude not to!  And the thought of completing and having the baby and just ahhhhh having completely finished is very motivating.

I just honestly thought I didn't have enough time.  If I do, I will do it - even if I have to work in the evenings like now, when I feel like death and just need to sleeeeeeep :)

Hmmm.

Well.  I shall get on with it until 8.30 then stop and have some evening for myself before sleep...  I have three full days of being a veer pregnant single mum in front of me!

x J

I feel so blue!

Oh eck.

Just got the guts up to email sup and say I am going to defer :(  I feel like such a loser.  DB says that I felt like this when I was organising maternity leave for beanie too, I don't remember and don't know why I would feel like that tbh!  It is my legal right!  I can't help being the lady.

Anyway. This time I feel it has gone Too Far!  What with sick leave last year etc :(  I feel like such a pain.  I wish the work would just be DONE but there is just too much to do.  The two case studies and extra literature for a start...  am due to have a baby any time after two weeks which is a momentous thing; I mean, I have to push the beggar out and haven't given it any thought because work is taking up all my brain.  I can't go to any evening preggers classes because I am committed to working instead.  But I can't even sit at my desk for long because my ankles swell so badly and I get pins and needles/numbness in my hands when typing.  It's not cool.

In myself I am perfectly happy with my decision.  Now I have realised I can't finish before the baby comes I am looking forward (in a way) to coming back to it and it will give me something to sort of work towards in maternity leave - rather than just being a SAHM for the foreseeable.  I am knackered and know that in a year my brain will be back and itching to think about something other than baby puke.  I have the thesis written, have even done the viva (phew!) and will have a comprehensive idea of what needs changing.  And I will have the three months to do it in - not just 2/3 weeks like I have now :)  That would be great :). 

Just feel terrible telling Sup, and terrified of telling Uni.

If only DB could have got pregnant with this baby!

x J

Erm... have to defer for a year!

Oh my crackers.

Sup has sent me a very kind but firm email saying that I have a lot of work to do that normally would take three months (as is normal for minor corrections) but I have only one month...  so without stating the obvious he wants me to crack on with it all smartish!

Only problems are that erm, I am going to have a baby in a few weeks (two to five weeks)...  and I have no childcare for bean (nurseries are full until September and even if I could get him in there would be a two week settling in period for him)...  and I am too tired/poorly for evening work.  Even if I had no child or pregnancy I would be up against it.  I have realised that to do these corrections (or, as Sup put it, not insubstantial revisions/rewrites) properly I need to actually WORK, not do a bit of plaster sticking here and there.  I can't hand something in that the examiner then says 'eh?!  this is shit, redo it!'

So I have decided to pack it in for now, go on maternity leave and come back in a year and finish it all off in the three months.  I don't have a choice, but actually I don't even mind.  I am not going to 'need' the doctorate over the next year as obviously I will be looking after the baby.  The work I am coming back to is straightforward, just time-consuming, no massive brain work as such.  I have written the thesis so can easily catch up with where I was, I will also have the viva report by then too (I haven't even got that yet!).

Uni will be cross with me, and so will Sup :(  I feel shit about that.  But I actually love the idea that I can stop worrying about work so much (at all!), spend these last few precious weeks with Beanie before our lives implode with a new addition, go to pregnancy yoga to prepare for the birth (eek!  I haven't gone so far because I think 'if I have time/energy for yoga I have time/energy to work!) and, for once, put the baby before work.  And then after a year I shall come back, concentrate and just blitz this in the three months... and then get a job :)

Is weird to realise I won't finish properly before the baby is born but...  needs must!

x J

Back Again

Just looked over the work I did yesterday and edited for a bit, but generally am very pleased with it.

Will send off to Sup now tho there are a couple of points I haven 't addressed yet because I am waiting for the books from Amazon.  I am a 1.5 hour drive away from my local uni library so, without childcare for Bean, I am buggered without amazon!  I spent about £30 on books to finish the reading I need to do which is annoying BUT I can send the more expensive ones back or at least trade them in and get some of the value back.  It is worth it really to get the work done!

Sooo I think I will slope off for the day now and come back later and do the easy stuff (translations) in front of the tv tonight when Bean is asleep. 

I am glad I am getting work underway.  It is like a mildly irritating but comfortable marriage really.  Am not best pleased and think rather too often that I would like out, but then when we come together it is rather pleasing in a grumpy way.

Beautiful sunshine, beaches and spring loveliness beckon!

x J

Working away - it's all rather fluent

Well, well, well.

I finally got down to some work and after a few hours of sort of working and sort of not working I have been working away.

And it is really interesting and brilliant, actually, how easily my brain has got back into thinking about it all again.  In fact, even though I have had some shitty work to do it has almost been pleasing.  (Almost.)  Like, Sup wanted me to look at two other examples that correlate with my case-study, which basically means reading reports about, understanding and then regurgitating two more case-studies when I have been studying this one for FIVE years.  I hated reading the reports for this PhD!  (Who likes reading reports?!)  It took me ages!  So much reading!  So much paper!  But today I managed to filter out the actual reading I needed to do, rather than reading everything (it is for a purpose - to be referenced!  If it won't be referenced, don't read it!)  I grabbed the quotes I wanted straight away and wrote them into the chapter, then referenced them in endnote straight away.  In the end I have added 1000 words of analysis and explanation from about 4 good references - I might need more refs but they show what I need to say so why not just leave it at that for now.  (I wish I had a couple more refs but actually there aren't any more online to be found for now.)  But it looks like I know what I am talking about and that I have a point to make, the same as if I had reams of notes I hadn't used under my desk.

I have written no notes and not done my usual read, write, think, regurgitate into chapter. 

I think this is very interesting and shows that I have come a long way from when I started out on the PhD, when I was researching and would read everything, and have tonnes of notes.  It means that I have enough background knowledge now that I can work with surface information in a more in-depth way - I am using the info to back MY ideas up, ideas I have had for years, rather than learning everything anew.  This is interesting and a real development.  In this sense I am glad I had corrections to do because I didn't know that I had learnt to work like this...  I thought being an academic would mean starting from scratch with notes etc but actually, it would be working on what I know and I seem to know more than I think.  I do feel rather grown-up about it all, like writing a paper about what I know - which obviously I would do - from the PhD wouldn't necessarily be arduous and take forever.  It is about my thoughts and then I think 'ah!  so-and-so writes about this let me see if I can get a quote' and on we go.  Typing is quite fast in comparison with when you start out and don't know what you want to say/how to say it/who to use to back it up.

Very interesting!  And motivating!

x J

ok ok, time to focus :)

So, so far I have read various websites (revelling in my freedom to read on my laptop!) and nipped out to get some heartburn prescription from the drs

This, my dears, is apparently the working habits of an actual Dr.  You could be like this one day!  (joke.  I presume you will be an actual professional!)

SOOOO back to the drawing board for me!

I am going to make a coffee (hehe) and then, then, I shall start my clock and work for ten minutes, then have ten mins off.  I shall continue in this vein until I get into the rhythm of working more than not!  Such a bad rabbit.

x J

yay I have a WHOLE afternoon

I am so happy that I have a whole afternoon just to work. 

I have a lovely, bright little space to work in which is very temporary but I have two windows to look out of which is most pleasing.  I have an enormous bump to work around and which is really sat in my lap and is rather amusing if uncomfortable!  And the house is peaceful.  It is so quiet.  It is a rare moment that I am home alone without (a very noisy) Bean atm :) 

So I have to make sure that I get lots done! 

I have had an email from Sup about my conclusion chapter so will work on that first.  Then I will get my translations sorted out.  I think that is probably all I will have time for, but if I have more time then I shall start reading the literature I have got on my kindle.  I am going to speed read - I have done this area of lit before many a time, but am not conversant in it properly - and just focus on intros and conclusions.  Get an idea of the key issues, how they relate to my work, how they DIFFER from my work (the key point) and then regurgitate that into my thesis.  Probably in my lit review.

So, onwards!

x J

Deep breaths and carry on

I had a small meltdown this morning...

DB was in a foul mood with his work yesterday and basically took it out on me all day and when he said that my meeting with Sup today was causing him angst I cancelled it.  Sup was fine about it, it is the only time I have ever not made a meeting so I don't feel too bad, just wish I could have gone!  All that knowledge I could have! 

But anyway, hopefully DB will realise that his whining does have an affect and I just won't take it any more - if he has an issue with me working he should tell me and I will sort it out.  I can't ignore it and just meekly bow to all his grumpiness - it does have an effect, in this case, me cancelling my appt.  I know he feels shit about it now but we will just have to move on.  I hate, hate, hate the negative affect taking time out to work has on the family :(.  Having kids and doing a PhD is so tough!

So anyway, I was very upset this morning about having to cope with late pregnancy (am so so so so tired), Beanie playing up and work demands with absolutely no bugger to help me.  I know we did the right thing by moving so I can't regret it - if we were up north still I might well have childcare but I would still be waiting to move down and still would only have one friend...  It feels right to be down here now.  I have had a second to think tho and have realised that I need to get back to work basics.  Basically I have had three months off and so getting back into it even if it is only for a few weeks will be tough and I must play it cleverly!

SOOOO:

• I will need to get a temporary desk (I know!  I don't have one, it is the dining room table now!)  I have a work area sorted out that I like so that is good.

• I will need to work in ten minute slots again until I get back into it.

• I will need to commit to working properly.  Even tho they are 'corrections' and the body of the thesis is written, effectively I have been told it isn't finished yet and there are some holes that need serious attention.  I must attend to these holes with said serious attention, not flighty or sulky half-measures.

• The literature I need to read I can download on my kindle and return to amazon within a week and not have to pay for it.  Take advantage of this!  Otherwise, buy the buggering books.  I will read about 10 books on this literature to get a broad but strong sense of themes without being bogged down.  That should suffice and at least is a baseline to work from.

• Don't think/worry about giving birth!  Just get on, you have at least three weeks to be starting with.  If you have the baby then apply for an extension or some form of maternity leave, am sure it will be fine (they wouldn't fail me at this stage would they?!?!).  Realising this has been a huge step for me as the stress of having to have it done NOW so I can relax and prepare to have a baby was getting on top of me.

• Work a bit every day.  Ask friends to help out with bean for an hour or two when possible and take every snippet of time you can.  Is not for long!

• Get over the fact that you thought you had finished all the hard work!  Just read through the notes Sup sent, your own notes from the viva and get your head down.  Every ten mins worked is another ten mins closer to the finish line.  And if you work properly now then hopefully it was be accepted by the examiner and you will NEVER SEE IT AGAIN.  Oh what a day that will be to know I really have finished it!

• Work on it as a monologue to start with then feed it into the thesis when you work out where it should go!  This prevents the stress of messing about with pagination etc and fecking up the thesis as it stands.  (Am very nervous about doing this so best to keep the new work away from the old, established work for now!)

So think that is that.  DB has taken DS out for an impromptu tip run (exciting times!) so I have had this time to garble out my thoughts and start breathing again.  In fact, I almost feel good about it all.  I have also booked a haircut for tomorrow night which sounds crackers but having not had it done for nearly a year I look a total state and it is depressing.  Am actually looking forward to going out to have something done simply for me :)  I am not blooming in this pregnancy, my skin is sallow and a total blotchy mess so having nice hair will sort my psychological state out a treat.  Bean was much happier this afternoon once I sorted out my mardiness about having to work and now I have written this and made a plan all seems much better with the world!

I think, to be honest, the shock of how much work I have to do (not looooads - but I am 34 weeks pregnant so have a very real deadline.  If I didn't and had the whole 4/5 months or so it would be a breeze!) and the fact that if I don't have it done I will have this work to do AND A NEWBORN BABY terrified me into a panicked, weepy, snotty corner.  Plus the fact I don't want to work (I want to sort out cots and eat fish and chips and sleep) didn't help.  I am over my sulk now and ready to meet the challenge.

So am off to amazon to get some books.

Laters!

x J
 

Arg!

I opened my uni email and Sup is on my case...

This is obviously a good thing, I am so fortunate to have a Sup who cares and is a workaholic enough to be emailing me over easter with suggestions of how to get cracking (hehe!) on my corrections...  But ARG too.  I read what he had written and my heart went into my boots.  Nearly had a weep and got on with it.

In the end it turned out that basically I needed to write into my conclusion what was said in my viva - particularly the answers I gave to questions.  At the time I was answering with my fist in my mouth and kind of felt like I was making a lot of it up...  Am not a brilliant academic and don't really know that much.  I definitely need to know more.  But I am at a stage now where I am sure I am not meant to start doing swathes more research?  Nah.  I know I have one area of lit to read up on but mostly they were keen to impress upon me that what they were saying sounded like a big deal but really actually wasn't.  I shall hold onto this.

So I have stuffed myself with lunch and, armed with easter egg choc, am back at the laptop with the wonderful great british bake off for company :)  Am sure my family will be home soon so need to get on with it.

I have managed to do most of the corrections Sup sent me but haven't started on the translations yet. 

Am so sleepy!

x J

In a pickle

I am putting my head in the sand completely about the fact that I have this work to do and NO childcare and NO energy!

Eek!

Grandma is my childcare and she is off on holidays for two weeks, so when she gets back I will be one week away from possibly giving birth.  I definitely want to have this work done by then.  DB is away next week on a work trip.  So I shall be at home all day with Beanie and, I guess, will have to work in the evenings?!  OMG that will be hellish - I am asleep by 9pm of an evening I am so knackered.

I am just having a whine, of course.  If I need to work evenings then that is what I will do.  I guess I will have a better picture of timings when I have seen Sup on weds...

Today I have the day to myself as DB has taken Beanie to visit his great grandma with the rest of his clan.  I am excused on the grounds of late pregnancy!  But I am working - or trying to.  The work I have to do today is easy peasy - I have to change my translations into proper English and re-format my thesis into the style preferred by the uni for final publication.  The more complicated bits I will need to sort after weds but I really do hope that with some concerted effort I can get it done in two weeks.  THEN I will get to start maternity leave...  unless they send it back to me for more corrections :(

Ach.  We'll see!  My sup is being, er, super and is very keen to help me finish it up :)

x J