SUBMITTED!

Bloody hell, I just sent it off :)

It is submitted!  I have completed!  I wrote the bugger and sent it!

Shit.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Am sure I must have sent a wrong version.  Or something.  But I couldn't have checked ANY MORE. 

Oh my word!

If I can do it ANYONE can do it!

WAHEY!

x J

Only a bit of changing!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  Only a little bit of changing to do and then, then, it is completely and utterly totally done!  and I am handing it in today as Sup suggested, in case the internet breaks :)

Just silly things, won't even take an hour to do :)

Am so excited I could pop!  I have been filling in my form to hand in to the copyzone people for printing and everything!

x J

Last minue tweaking

Sup has got back to me, the prelims are all fine, the bibliography needs a teeny bit of tweaking with the format and subheads (not the refs themselves thank goodness!)

Am really chuffed I managed to do the prelims and contents page all by myself for some reason.  have never done these type of things before. 

He is having a skim through the text and will get back to me at around 3...  Eek and OOOh!  am so excited that this time tomorrow I will be rid of it completely!  Even tho I finished ages ago I couldn't send it in early.  Nooooooooooo!

x J

Last minute bugger tits

Oh so DB stuck his oar in and decided to persuade me that I absolutely have to let Sup see the draft before I send it in.

Grrr.  So of course he is right and I sent it to Sup and he said he will have a look at it on Sunday.  So am back on the ol' tenterhooks until then :)

It ain't over till it's over I say.  Is only so much I want or have, or have time to change in less than a day anyway so am not worried, just, you know, I suppose I just want a clear green light so I can get shot of this bladdy thing!

Submit on Monday :)

Found out we are having another baby boy today.  How marvellous!

x J

 

IT'S OVER!

I have definitely finished it!

I did a read through, seeing as I have energy and nothing else to do, quickly but carefully, and am pleased with it :)

I don't need to read it again, although I will if I want to...  but truthfully I do feel that I am happy with it, it is better than I thought, and I would also happily never ever look or talk about it again.  But I am loyal to it again now, we are friends :)  All the refs are fine, the layout is fine, the pagination works, the arguments are fine, the grammar and syntax is fine, my tics are under control and I have consitency regarding capitals (such as 'western' and Western) etc etc.  It really is fine, and for once, I believe this, which is a sign that I have actually finished.  I think I have made peace with the fact that some of it might not be fine, but I cannot see how or what at this very moment.  That is for the nice viva peeps to notice and tell me, and I can work on it afterwards if it is awful.

So...  WOW!

Am off to wander round the house in a surprised daze while feeling slightly nauseous from the coffee I had about an hour ago.

I bloody finished it!

x J

Er, so I think I finished it?

I have gone through it all, and I think it is all done?

I have done the pagination (three times!).  I have checked through the thesis time and time again on 'print preview' which shows the whole page in one screen so I can see that the gaps between headings etc are fine, subheads are written properly (with capitals), and that there aren't any sneaky extra blank pages between chapters (there were two!). I have spellchecked, checked all the references in the footnotes and gone through the bibliography to make sure it is alphabetical.  I have also filled in the blank refs I had lazily left so it is all referenced.

I am not too sure what else I can do!  It is all diddly done!  I haven't read through it good and proper so will probably do this on Saturday if I feel the urge.  To be honest I have edited and checked through each chapter so many times I just have to let go at some point and trust that I have done it thoroughly!  Anyway, I will definitely leave it today and tomorrow and if I feel I need to will come back to it on sat and sit and have a read through.  I would like to do this before sending it off, but not to edit as such, just to (skim) read through it.  Am sure there will be some amendments but am not going to add anything or do anything that might affect the lovely layout and shape it has now!

So...  Before I send it it needs to be put into a pdf doc, which means it can't be changed.  Then I just email it off!  I'll probably do this on Sunday if the read-thru on sat is trouble-free.

Is lovely to have a few days before having to send it, so I can mull things over and make sure I am happy with it.  It is done tho, really.  If I had to send it now I would be quite happy to do so (although I think I would wish I had done a final read thru).

Bizarre!

x J

Final read through...

So having had a lovely christmas and three whole days off I am back for the final read through...

I feel like I have had about 10 days off and been in another, entirely PhD-free universe which is grand.  I was very fretful about it all on Sunday night after finishing and decided I really had to add in these other casse studies and authors and lots from a journal I haven't dipped into enough.  But I spoke to DB about it and he said nooooooooo and that I would be opening a whole new can of worms.  If the examiners ask about these things (or lack of) I can tell them why I didn't put them in, that is the point of the viva.  I can't add everything or where will it end?!

So, he was, for once, wise indeed.  And after some time off to get perspective I won't be adding anything else!  In fact, am going to do a brief and thorough skim-through rather than a 'proper' read or I will risk being too sucked into it and changing all sorts.  Must remain objective.  The aim now is get the pagination into the contents page, make sure that it all 'looks' as it should and that there are no glaring spelling or grammar errors or shite sentences.  I must remember that I have edited each chapter a gazillion times and the thesis twice already, so it really only needs a once over to settle my nerves.

I have stopped feeling nervous when I open it now which is a really good thing... means I have become sort of familiar with it enough to not dread it.  I still don't like it tho and think it is pants!  I can't believe it took four years to write this rubbish! :)

Today is Thursday...  Submission on Sunday!

x J

WRITING IS DONE!

I have gone through and coded and properly referenced all my interviews and did a quick check of the bibliography, added a couple of missing full stops and checked overall that there aren't any glaring errors.

Some of the writing is still a bit dodgy and the ideas are completely basic and crap!  I hate it!  I think this is normal though...  I feel like I should have a LOT more quotes from my research in there but I guess that I only have so many words to fit into a chapter and I have done that so must have some info from somwhere.  I can only imagine the viva peeps reading through it and being so angry with me for daring to hand it in and eviscerating me at the interview.  I am sure it is FULL of holes and I have missed a whole swathe of relevant literature...  I can certainly see how a woman, a year or so after getting her doctorate, said she was embarrassed about some of the stuff she had written in her PhD.  I imagine it must be the same as when I think of my MA stuff.  SOOOOO simplistic and badly referenced etc, yet I did rather well at the time.  But did I ought to think that it is rubbish already or is that a sign I am just handing in something I know is below par?!

BUT, and this is an important but, I don't know it is below par.  I don't know what is expected of me.  I think it falls in the middle somewhere; I am sure people have handed in both better and worse.  And that isn't a bad place to be, really.  Am just worried I guess, seeing as only me and my sup have ever read the bloody thing :)

Anyway, am off to overthink over some cheese and biscuits and then realise there is little I can do now and who cares anyway - it's christmas!

Am now off until Thursday when I am back for three final days of proof-reading.

I submit a week tomorrow! 

Lovely!

x J
 

Final stint before last read through

So this is to be, I think, the last stint I do on my PhD before the final read through next week...

I expect to be here for two-four hours, referencing my interviews properly and then, my friends, it will be finished.

Phew!  and a bit, a little bit, aw...

!

x J

Referencing Interviews: Can of Worms

Can opened.  Worms everywhere.

I have to go back through my text and, because my group interviews were anonymous, code the responses more efficiently than simple 'respondent A/B/C' so they have a unique code, and therefore, reference each. 

This is very obvious but I am sad I only just found this bloody out.  I have gone back trhough my interviews and written out how many and of each gender, took part in the woik, and given them a code number.  Now I will need to go through the text and reference these individually.  This is a pain in the ass but it does mean that my research will look very research-y.  The rest of the interviews, encdotal and informal ones in guesthouses and the streets etc I listed from my fieldwork diary last night with times and dates etc so can just pop them in.

 My sister was ill yesterday so didn't visit and DB was shopping all day so I was with beanie (was a marvellous lazy day in his company.  we haven't seen enough of each other recently due to WORK).  She can make it today tho hurrah and will be here in an hour-ish!  She will be here until tomorrow even'time so I might have to do some work while she is here.  Or Sunday morning.  It isn't brain work, just needs to be done and is quicker if I am left to it and not interrupted.

So am not quite having the break off for xmas that I hoped for but is more break than work which suits me fine.  I shall definitely not be working Monday afternoon, Tuesday (xmas day!) or boxing day.  Thurs, Fri and Sat I will be busy reading through the draft (which I have concluded is lacking a LOT and am considering adding to it tho I know I shouldn't.  Tinker, tinker).  And Sunday will be the last day to sort of think about it and then decide it is ready for sending...  Monday I shall be free!  I have spyed a bottle of moet et chandon in the fridge and it has submission written all over it :) 

Anyways can't sit here gassing, better get referencing!

Am not even going to mention the fact that I haven't finished shopping for DB's stocking and have completely missed the deadline to get one of his presents .  Oh 'eck.

x J 

Oh Bibliography.

I hate you!

Bloody references :)  Bloody endnote.  Bloody making up what I am trying to reference! 

Spent all afternoon biting my nails going through my refs and putting them in the right section and making sure they actually make sense!  Was mind-numbingly dull.  And now I have to try and sort out the interview shenanigans.  Am so sad and disappointed that I didn't finish it all today.

My sis is coming to stay tomorrow and I must go out and do my last bit of chrimbo shopping in the morning before she comes.  Then I shall be off until Sunday.  I will do this last bit of referencing on Sunday morning then come back to it on Thursday...

Just emailed sup confessing that I am stuck.  Seems so silly to not know how to do this!

x J

Breathing out again :)

Ahhh, I can breathe again!

I have managed to do all the formatting necessary to make each chapter a 'new section' with page breaks (wtf - I dunno), and have got all page numbers sequential and starting from the intro still.  The footnotes now all start anew at the beginning of each chapter.  Thank GOD.  It took me all morning to work that out (having never haerd of a page break for a start).  (Actually, section breaks are fantastic as they seem to mean that when you fiddle with a chapter it only makes that chapter fiddled with rather than the whole doc.  hurrah.)

Now I am doing my bibliography and IT IS WORKING.  I was very worried about what endnote would let me do but it tunrs out I can edit by hand any ref I need to (some don't have the start of the title on for some reason so need to fix that) and move them around so I am just doing that.  So now, no more brains are needed as far as I can see :) 

I have four hours to plough on now, which is quite a lot, so I really hope to have it done or nearly done at least!  Today is my little Beanie's last day in paid childcare too so we will both go and pick him up to say goodbye to his childminder and her family.  We will stay in touch and go over for playdates but won't be the same will it?!  And I am going to be an official stay-at-home mum as of tomorrow!  Beanie starts nursery in Jan (but not properly until feb) so he will be around every day... which will be a shock considering he now goes to the childminder four days a week so I can work.  He will be delighted tho, he is tired of going so often (bad mummy) as four days is a lot to a then two year old :(  And he has outgrown the comforting one-to-oneness that was so fab when he was only one.  He needs other kids, noise, big toys and playgrounds now!  Is still sad tho.  Particularly as the ONLY reason he ever went to the childminder's was so I could have time to do my PhD.  Is the end of an era, and so poignant that it all happens at the end of a year!  New Year, new beginnings...

So.  I am back to it.  Grr and yay in equal parts!

x J

Starting footnotes anew at each chapter

http://www.lib.sfu.ca/sites/default/files/10048/Chapter-based-footnotes.pdf

Really helpful document on what has turned out to be an absurdly tricky process!

x J

References and Biblio Day

Today I am working on my footnotes (getting them to start from 1 on each chapter which google is helping me with atm) and sorting out the bibliography so it is readable.

I also have to find and add in all my interviews which is worrying my greatly as my interviews were largely anonymous so will I have to make up names for them?!  Oh crackers.  Am not sure about form here.

For the biblio I have about 280 refs which I think is a good number, am most pleased (altho am sure I only actually refer to about ten of these again, and again, and again with mind-numbing repetition) but I need to order them alphabetically into sections so they are accessible.  Also, the way endnote has formatted some of the refs, particularly web pages, makes them meaningless to anyone who might actually want to look them up, so I will have to re-enter them or add to the endnote ref or something.

Something tells me this is going to be more than a one day job.  I made DB let me work this morning instead of me looking after Bean as I am quite fretful and need to get on.  Am desperate to make some headway!

And so, onwards!

x J

Bits and Bobs

Bits and bobs are annoying!

I have spent aaaaaages making sure my appendices are rights as I wrote them out for me rather than anyone to see so have had to tidy them up.  Interview transcrips the same as trhe transcriber had put the interviewer in red lettering so needed to go through reams of it to change to black and bold!  You just don't realise these things will crop up so am glad I have lots of time.

Anyway I have done it and managed to get the pagination to start from the intro page which is grand.  Tomorrow I have to sort out the bibliography and get the footnotes to start from 1 on each chapter and then I am done until the day after boxing day!

Off to go get my beanie.

x J

Did it did it!

I did it!

The conclusion is edited and now in my final final folder!

I am now to spend my day collating the thesis into one doc, with my maps, abbreviations, acknowledgements and all that lovely gumph!  OHHHHH WHEEEEE!

No more shitty editing!  No mooooooorrrrrrreeeeeee!

well, I do have the final read through and i am already aware that there are two points I need to add to the thesis but that is all part of the point of a FINAL read through. :)

Oh WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Am in shock.

x J

hahahahhaaaa

Sup sent me back my concl saying it was far better and only has a few amendments.  He doesn't want to see it again :)  Woot!  I have graduated from conclusion school!

So I shall do that now and then I am collating it all together so I can sort out the biblio and add the appendices.  Housekeeping kinda stuff which, actually, i don't know how to do but hopefully google will help me.  I have four days left to complete this draft completely for the final read through after xmas...  should be fine I hope!

I did my abbreviations in front of the tele last night along with my christmas cards so am feeling very organised :)

Sooo, will put the radio on, have the concl to amend and then save in my PhD 'final final' folder along with all my other chapters :) :)

Soooo nearly there!

x J

Report gumph added

The reports weren't that useful in the end so I only wrote one sentence on them.  Good to add to the bibliography tho.

Sup is looking at the concl, I hope to have that for tomorrow and just hope I don't have to do too much to it. 

I have to confess that the whole thesis now feels completely crap.  Really crap.  I feel like I only cite five sources again and again but I tell myself this can't be true because I have added on 50 sources just during this editing phase!  I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not but am dreading submission because it is so crap.  Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.

Sooooo...  anyway...  I am now moving away from the text and into the fiddly stuff!  Gosh.

I will start with the abbreviations, that should be simple enough and quite satisfying and won't ruin anything!  Am so frightened about collating all the chapters together.  Somehow I have to make sure the pagination only starts at the intro and that the footnotes start afresh with each new chapter.  HOW?! 

After realising we had the wrong kind of tree lights (DH bought icicle lights that you hang up on windows etc!) we didn't actually do much decorating the other night so tonight is the night!  Which is grand because even tho I feel sort of worried and flat I have reason to be cheerful!  I am going to have a small glass of baileys and try not to shout at beanie too much when he gets overexcited with baubles and tinsel around a 6ft xmas tree!  I have to confess that unless I am at my desk I am pretty snappy at the mo.  Work makes me grumpy.  Even tho it is all under control atm I feel constantly worried that I am about to have a rude awakening and have forgotton something essential/have to research and write a new chapter...  opening my inbox to Sup makes my heart go like the clappers!

So.  I shall start on the abbreviations :)

Oh my god I just realised I have practically finished editing!  Depending on the concl I might never write a nother new sentence on the thesis again!  WTF?! :)

x J

Conclusion done

I have re-edited my conclusion... cut loads out and am not sure what on earth else i can do to it!  I just hope it is enough.  Fingers crossed.

I am now going to go through those three reports sup sent me (grr and yuk) and feed in a few sentences about them into the thesis.  I am tired and a bit brain dead today so am not completely sure where they will go but know the answer isn't that tricky if I can just concentrate! 

I went over my old chapter last night so the whole thing is edited for one final read through after xmas. 

Won't get time for anything other than these reports today as the concl took much longer than anticipated!  Tomorrow I want to get onto the prelims and STUFF!  That, apart from being deathly dull, is quite exciting.

x J

Last chapter done!

I have managed to edit that chapter today, so I have now edited every chapter!  The whole thesis has been polished! Yay! 

I can't believe it in a way, because when I saw the enormous mound of corrections that was my thesis I thought to myself, 'one day that will have all gone' and I couldn't really believe it there seemed to be so much work to do.  But indeed, it is all now by the printer for recycling... (tho I might have to chuck it out as it would take us forever to re-use that mound and seeing it there day in, day out after submission might be a tad stressful!)

Soooo now.  Onto phase three of writing up - editing the edited work :)  As I have gone on I have become familiar with my writing tics and repetitions so will need to revisit one chapter in particular to check for these.  I have to do my conclusion, which is written (am on draft five!) but needs to be edited having read the whole thesis in one go.  I shall do this first thing tomorrow and just hope that it only takes me half a day.  Then I need to add some reports into the thesis that Sup sent me today (grr) but that should only take a couple of hours.  Finally I will do a quick squizz of the old chapter.  Then, it should be a coherent thesis that, as far as I know for now, is ready for submission (am sure it isn't but will have a final, fresh-eyed read through after a couple of days off for chrimbo).

I then hope to have weds and thurs for the prelims, biblio and appendices while I wait for sup to come back to me with the concl.

Fingers crossed he doesn't send me any more reports!

x J

Grumpy and anxious!

Oh I am a moody bugger :)

I woke up very early this morning with Bean and am therefore a huge grump anyway, and then he was playing up all morning!  Grrr.

BUT generally I am very grumpy because I am super duper keen just to work :)  I don't want to clean up porridge or negotiate fire engine pistol jets or clean the house or sort out xmas decorations!  I just want to sit here for hours and hours and get some headway on this chapter.  I also woke up with The Editing Fear that, in a haze of post-chapter completion optimism, I had made up the fact that this chapter should be easy so am still nervous and antsy about it.  Then I fretted about how little time  have left considering I still have to type out my interview info and sort out the bibliography and the appendices... 

Arf, I am just fretting!  Silly... but necessary in a way... I can't relax too much can I if I want to get this done.

Anyways.  Am so nearly there!  Submission two weeks today!  WOW.

x J

 

So happy, happy, happy!

I have finished the chapter!  Yay!

One more chapter left to edit from scratch and I just looked through it and it will be straightforward :)  This is a new chapter so thought I would get told off for a lot of repetition and made to research more but mostly it is pointing out bad writing and asking me to clear up certain vague points and tidying refs.  That is fiiiiiiiine!  Am so excited!  Am so happy that, apart from the concl, I have no really nasty surprises awaiting me any more.  I am nearly there!

Oh sweet, sweet joy! 

I am going to have some non-boozy mulled wine and decorate my xmas tree with my family with a big smile on my face.  Tomorrow Beanie is starting his final week with the childminder (that he started at two years ago so I could work on this PhD) and I will try to get as much of this chapter done as I possibly can.  I will surely get over half way, could even try and get the whole thing done in one day.  I can even do it with the radio on.

No more hideous, hideous editing!  No more!  I probably only have about two/three hours of work left that I have to concentrate on intensely.  Other than that, the radio will be on and I will be fiddle faffing with edits, checking refs etc etc.

Wow!

x J

Back for punishment

Soooo, while my husband and son go out to get our christmas tree I have the joy of sitting here and working :(

I have had two days off and it feels like a week!  which is great as I do feel I have had a good break from it, but rubbish because coming back feels like opening an old wound that was healing nicely thank you very much!

Beanie's Birthday yesterday was super duper fun, felt very celebratory so really is back to earth with a thump today.

However, when this chapter is done I can skadiddle off to decorate said tree with said family and that will be lovely :) 

So, I am here now every day until Friday, when my sister is coming to visit for the night... so for friday and saturday I shall have to be sociable.  I have one proper chapter and two thirds of this one left to edit from scratch, then the concl to tidy up (delete a lot of) for then which is manageable and a good, motivating deadline.  Sunday and Monday I can use to do the last of the prelims and appendices and then, my friends, I should have a complete total PhD put together, read to read for the LAST TIME between xmas and new year.  Gulp. 

DB isn't going south but has left work and has a month's leave so is hanging about doing house stuff, watching beanie, and cooking me food.  The house is full of chocolate and crispies left over from yesterday so I have lots of work munchies to keep me happy!

Submission is two weeks tomorrow!

x J

Better Now :)

So I did the Chapter of Evil and then managed to get a third of the way through the next chapter :)

I am working so intensly that sometimes I just lose perspective.  I think that is par for the course at this stage, and is nice (in a way) to know that it will only last for another two weeks :)  It's the Big Push!  However, I slept ok and woke up this morning feeling very pleased that I only have 20 pages of this chapter now to edit, so that should be about 4 hours work(ish)...  And am delighted that I have gone over the horrid chapter again with Sup.  I would love to get that done today but we shall see.  Tomorrow is Beanies b'day so obviously won't work at all, then sunday I will have at least half the day.  The other half will be busy decorating the house for chrimble :)

Is actually really lovely to have other things to be getting on with other than work.  It means that when I do work I am focused and grateful for the time, and when I am not working it is because i am doing something fulfilling and exciting, which helps manage the stress.  As long as I keep plugging away it will be fine.

I reckon it will work out thus:

Today/Sunday - finish editing chapter six; start chapter seven

Monday - finish editing chapter seven - all chapters have been edited!  WOOT!

Tuesday/weds - do concl (try not to get bogged down, be repetitive or, apparently, have too many refs!  And keep it short!)

Thurs - go back over chapter two so is edited to new, better standards.  Start typing up acronyms and interview/q'nnaire info for bibliography (eek)

Fri - continue with bibliography.  Sat/sun/mon much of the same...

I want to have it so I have tuesday and weds off for xmas, then come back and ONLY have polishing to do.  A single read through of the thesis in one go (well, over a couple of days!) so I can see repetition, bad refs, gaps in refs, etc.  Collate it as one doc, sort out the bibliography into sections, add the numbers to the contents page (will do that as read through) and then...  it is done!  I will have four days to do that...  Ooh!  It is starting to get to countdown time!

x J

Battered and bruised

Oh lordy, I asked Sup to check over an old chapter I had edited but just wasn't sure about and I got another mauling.

The chapters where I have a lot of refs are the worst!  And where I make Big points.  Sup has called them 'allelujah' moments, and writes it at the end of any dramatic points which did make me laugh through my clammy, fearful sweat. 

I don't know why it bothers me so much.  Well, I do, I think it is because I obviously do not know anything!  I am going to be ripped apart in the Viva!  I am so grateful that he looks thorugh it though and points this stuff out now.

Anyways.  That chapter is done now, and if I had time to think I would be pleased.  Back to the other chapter which now feels like a cuddly bear compared to the lions cage that I was just in! 

x J

Another Chapter Down

Hurray!

I am now on ch. 6 of eight, and the eighth is the troublesome conclusion.  Am nearly there...  I will feel very good when I have finished editing this one :)  When these chapters are all edited I might even breathe out!

So, going to make a brew and get back to it!  Shoulders, bum and back aching nicely and my eyes feel like saucers.  Feels good; I am working hard!

x J

And stop

Arg i have worked so much today my ass hurts from sitting on this chair!

Am now over halfway through this new chapter so I should get it finished tomorrow and start on the next chapter.  There is so much to do but I am doing it, it really is just a case of plodding along.  Finding references and backing up random claims is the most time-consuming stuff, I can spend 20 mins on one reference.  But, once I have it it is there then for next time.  My bibliography is looking really healthy now too; I wanted between 250-300 refs and have 270 so am really happy with that.

I am so tired now that I am going to stop.  I can't really think any more and think when I closed down my chapter by accident it was my subconscious (and my back and bum) saying 'go now!'.

So.  Back for more of the same tomorrow.

x J 

Erm, eek

I am feeling a bit worried I think!

I can't tell, because if you asked me I would say I am fine but I think the fact I am a bit fragile says perhaps I am not!

Beanie was up all last night and was reluctant to go to the childminder's today so I think he might be sickening for something.  Uh oh.  DB hasn't handed in his notice at work yet, which is fine but it does mean I don't know if they are going South next week or not, or whether he will be around to look after bean in the time between xmas and NYE...  I have practically finished xmas shopping which is great and a real weight off my mind :)  And I will feel much better when I am making Bean's cake for his birthday on Sat and we have the party goodies in for him.

Work-wise I have spent this morning re-editing an old chapter that I have decided I need Sup to look over again as I am not confident that it is submission-worthy at all, but don't know what to do with it.  he has also emailed me a few more (!) pointers to do with my concl.  Is good because I am gettign a fair old idea now of what the heck a conclusion is so when I come to do that it should be ok.  However, I am getting nervy about my word count as I am doing so much deleting and fed up of being told how WRONG it all is.  And of course it is wrong, it will be until it is right,  but it is tiring hearing it again and again and again.

And I am boring.  I am so, so, so boring and whiny and like a crazy professor who just drones on and is so very boring.  I am fine if i can be left alone to work, but if I am made to come out of my hole I am shit company!  I am worried and frightened and basically just want to work, eat, sleep, work.

So now I am onto my next chapter which I looked at last night and well, it will be veeeery slow going as I have lots of refs to find.  I am getting better at tackling my 'stylistic tropes' though; I can dart into a chapter now and straight away sort out my penchant for 'via', 'drawing on,' and 'shows that' and know that some words I have sometimes starting with a capital and sometimes not...  so these issues get sorted quicker.  I also feel more confident that I am able to gather together all those pesky metaphorical frogs and put them in the box and snap the lid SHUT!  This is a very good thing :)

x J

Did it!

DB went to pick Beanie up instead so I have had an extra half hour and have finished the work :)

Am delighted!  It means the chapter is finished and I HAVE THE NIGHT OFF!

Woot!

Is great, I was wondering how I would cope working tonight and then all day again tomorrow.  This way my brain has some time to refresh and I get to go to bed early.  Oh a whole night off!  how super :)

x J

Nearly there...!

I have less that ten pages left to edit of this chapter!

I am delighted!  It has been a difficult day; I have really had to work hard to stay on track and not wander off to do washing or something 'productive'.  This work is really simple and very boring and you have to really concentrate so you can't even just sort of switch off, you have to immerse yourself in the boredom.  Is the long game really.  Anyway I looked up and managed to do 20 pages today which is brill, and am nearly there!  I will work again later, I want these last pages done!  Then I will be over halfway through editing :)  Three more chapters to do from scratch and then the conclusion to tackle once I know what my thesis is about.

I don't know whether to be pleased or worried!

x J

 

Back. Snore :)

Oh crackers am I really back here again?!

I can tell you, coming back to the desk to stare at sheet after sheet of marked work is mentally exhausting.  There are no positive comments on this work, just crossings out, emphatic comments along the lines of 'you can't say this'/'what does this mean'/'repetitive'.  It really is like being hit over the head again and again with your writing (and told how stupid you are).

However, I know this isn't really how it is and try to remind myself that Sup did not read through and edit this to piss me off or hurt my feelings! :)  And he didn't send me a synopsis of the thesis saying it was rubbish, or tell me that last week on the phone, or yesterday on the email.  In fact he is very supportive.  These are, really, minor corrections to a thesis I have completely created and carried out by myself.  In five years I have had hardly any intervention and am sure that Sup just doesn't want me to fall in the viva about stupid things like overly emphatic phrasing and an inability to remember than an institution is and IT not a THEY .

The sensitive, proud soul in me hates all the scrubbings out but the sensible part of me knows that once I have made all the corrections I won't look back, I will only be pleased!

So I know my feelings are irrational, that the boredom is part of submission and the mroe painful it gets the closer I am to the finish line :)

And so, onwards!

x J

Done for the night :)

I am nearly halfway through the chapter, hurray.

I wanted to get to page 20 of 50 tonight and have finally, slowly, managed it.  Is painfully slow work!  I really want to get this chapter finished tomorrow.

Am still really pleased about Sup's comment that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  All I can think about is submitting by 5pm on New Years Eve then supping a glass of champagne and getting over the shock.  I think I will be catatonic.

x J

 

Hurray I am back at it!

DB came home early and in a lovely mood so I am back at work :)

I like being at work!  We have a 9pm TV date so will work until half eight then get into jammies and go down to watch homeland from last night, and chill for a bit.

Sup sent me a lovely email in response to my concl and accompanying statement that I felt sorry for him having to read through it as I was sick to death of it.  He said that this is a sign of progress and means I have it all under my belt and am now in the tweaky stage.  Therefore there is light at the end of the tunnel (actually, he didn't say the word 'tunnel' but sent me a picture of a tunnel...  It made me chuckle).

Hurray, hurray, hurray, hurray.

Back to it then.  Must keep going, the long nights are only for this week...  must keep going.

Oh, and DB says that he is taking Bean to the South to visit the rellies next week so I will have all day for a few days to work.  This will be good.

x J

Oh no it's time to go!

Ah bladdy hell, I have worked sooo hard and am not even a fifth of the way through this new chapter!

Am having to dredge up refs, slowly edit, check my verbal tics and it is all very slow work.  I have now got to go and get Bean after what has been the quickest day of work in the world.  I will have to come back later as I am nowhere near where I would like to be for tomorrow (er, halfway through!).  Will work when DB gets home until I feel I am getting somewhere I guess.

Have worked hard today, can't say more than that I suppose.  Am so keen to make real headway this week so next week, the run up to xmas, I can work normally and not be too stressy on xmas day.  I can tell you that it does not really feel very christmassy this year.  My head is in my work.  Bah.

x J

Running behind

I just sent off the revised conclusion, took me hours of massively concentrated work, grrr.

I don't think it is ready yet though.  Will need another edit, I think the arguments need rejigging but, I'll be honest, am hoping I will get away with it...  (I won't)

Am now going to get some lunch, am starving!  Then I will start on the next chapter.  I was going to revise my old chapters (already edited) then realised how little time I have left!  I thought it would be best to have every chapter edited at least once and then go back over them - then if I get caught short of time I'll be better off than have two spanking chapters and three unedited ones!

I also don't want to get stuck into 'editors block' by being all perfectionist.  I want to work hard and do the best I can, but don't want to keep going over old ground looking for problems.

Righty, food then back here (with food, desk lunch today) and ont the next chapter.  Will be able to put the radio on super quietly for this bit I think.

While working I keep daydreaming about my life afterwards.  It is very motivating!  I am going to go away for a weekend with DB, without Bean, in Jan.  I cannot WAIT.  I will bathe constantly, read, go for walks, eat lots of big meals of loveliness in cosy pubs and lounge around in bed watching tele.  Yum.

x J



 

Concluding morning

Last night I started going through the concl with a fine tooth comb and had to stop at 10pm as I was being dopey so am back at it again this morning.

I aim to have this finished by 12pm, will send to Sup then will go straight into editing my next chapter. 

Was so lovely to wake up this morning and realise the intro is finally done and dusted.  Such a huge milestone! 

Am completely delighted to have four whole days of work in front of me.  No interruptions or running around or cooking - just me and work :)  I really want to get a wriggle on with it so might work nights too this week.

Am submitting three weeks today!  Yay!

x J

Goodbye Intro!

Hahhaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I have done the intro, forever and ever and ever amen :)

It is finished, complete, super fantastic!

Sup doesn't want to see it again, I feel like I have graduated from Intro school.  Am so happy!

Now onto er, the whole of the rest of the PhD.  Sheesh.

x J

Just finished intro... again!

Bladdy intro.

Have been lucky enough to have some time to work this morning and have gone through the intro with a fine tooth comb.  It is ok, and really is a good summation of the thesis and its background etc so really hope it is nearly there. 

Am on bean duty all day today noy then, so will come back laters to do the conclusion at about 5.30/6pm.  Will work until about half eight and then read through it tomorrow with fresh eyes...  and send it off, hopefully pleased with it.  Or if not pleased, comfortable?!

Am thinking the other chapters I have edited are rubbish now and need better editing.  I can't keep going abck though I suppose, I must go forward and can always make sure I am careful when I edit after xmas.  I am getting better at editing and holding all the different things I need to look out for in my head.  Before I would address about three types of issues and forget about the others and have to go back through again. 

Am getting there, I guess.

x J

Much Better

Oh the joy of an hours work!

I have settled my demons with the intro and I think it is looking pretty good now.  There was a glaring omission regarding the type of aid that I was addressing which Sup had misinterpreted and this was very distressing, because I kept thinking there must be this world of lit out there that I don't know about.  He kept refuting my points...  But it is just a misunderstanding and I have addressed it VERY CLEARLY so the examiners don't get confused either!  And therefore my points stand :)

I have also been a bit more focused on the gender issues in the research - as it was in India these are many!  But I have explained how I addressed female/male relationships so it doesn't look like I just don't care.  So this should appease my gender studies' focused examiners a bit.

Tomorrow I will spend an hour or two reading through it properly and checking it flows ok.  It is FAR too long at 11000 words but I honestly don't know what to do about this! 

Then tomorrow aft I will look at the conclusion... 

No tears tonight!  Ah, sweet perspective and sanity :)

Tele, jammies and maltesers and mince pies here I come!

x J

Back and quite refreshed

I had to have today off as DB was working and so I was on Bean duty and hated it allll day, (well, I loved looking after my Bean but felt terrible about not working when Sup is waiting for results) but actually I feel better for being away from it for a bit.  Got some perspective.  I really hate the work now but hope that once the intro and concl are out of the way I will start to feel better about it... 

I will work until 8pm then watch x factor in my jammies and eat mince pies.  I am working quite a bit tomorrow which is ace.

I have had two 'comments' now, very recently, that have been utter shit and I have needed to delete them.  I have never had this before, in all the years of writing this blog!  I think it might be because it is quite big now.  DB says it will get more negative comments as more people come across it and I have to agree.  Am glad I am nearly finished if that is the case! (bit sad)  I think I can turn the comments bit off but I like being open and to assume people are generally lovely - which they are as I have only ever had such wonderful support and kindness here thus far :). 

It is so weird because no-one was really meant to read this blog, it was just a diary to help me focus and vent because, honestly, no-one around me wants to hear me whine about the PhD.  If any poor bugger did read it I hoped my insecurities and openness would help other, isolated PhD peeps feel that they, at least, were coping better than me and if I can complete then bloody hell, they can too! :) 

I didn't expect people to use to to try and sneak links to their own site or to come on and dole out unpleasant judgements for absolutely no reason.  I can't bear the thought of being stressy about comments on here; it is a warm, friendly space to me.  It's like a drunk storming into a cosy library where you are all peaceful and calm, sitting next to you and then spouting 'clever' shit with their stinky beer breath all over you.  Just go away and do something else please!

x J

Cry a bit more...

I have my intro and concl returned and it is ok but not great.

I think I am nearly there with the intro but not with the concl.  I have personal stylistic issues that need sorting out still; however hard I edit I always miss stuff.  It is demoralising to say the least.  I feel like such a fool!  And some points that are raised sort of dig straight at my arguments and it is really hard to take again and again :(  In defensive moments I wonder why, after five years of working on this project, these huge, glaring ignorances of mine are only being brought up now.  But I also know, deep down, that I would rather know now and deal with them in the privacy of my home than in the viva.

I really am not sure if I can work without crying any more!  I am a clown.  I sit and work and get to the next damning point and yep I get on with it but not without welling up.  Again.  I am, to say the least, dispirited and feel like I am being intellectually mauled.

It's hard work this editing lark!  I can't believe I can be reduced to tears on a friday night because I can't work out whether 'rapid onset' has a hyphen in it or not (it does).  Am just so happy though that I can only do this for three more weeks then, however it is, it will be out of my hair (until the viva.  )  But the examiners would have to be evil to make a heavily pregnant woman cry, wouldn't they?! (joke)

Oh, and my examiners are apparently heavily into gender issues.  I am NOT.  I know NOTHING about gender issues.  But I have to address this somewhere, somehow, to please them.  I will, but I will be thinking FUCK OFF while I do it.

Generally the theme is weep, work, growl; weep, work, growl.  Then eat.

I can tell you now, there is no bloody way I will EVER be an academic.  Do this for the rest of my life?!  No.  Thank.  You.

x J

Rumplestitskin

Bloody opened my inbox after 6pm for no rason other than compulsion and Sup ahd emailed me my concl with changes that I had to do tonight!

Bean was promptly put to bed and being the obliging lad he is, was asleep by 7pm so have spend the last hour working on it and have sent it back.  I hope it is ok now, tbh I think if it isn't Sup will be so despairing he won't do much about it anyway.

Fingers crossed that is another chapter down!

x J

Tears of Joy

Oh my actual bloody lordy.

I have finally finished editing this chapter.  It has taken me hours and hours or gruelling, constant work.  I am sick to death of it!  The references were written before I had endnote but quite well so I didn't notice for ages and had to go back through them...  then there were lots of references missing.  A lot of the text was written the wrong way around so I needed to do lots of re-jigging which, we all know, makes my brain hurt.  I have a bad memory and can never remember what it is I have just cut so I can find the right place to paste it...  It was repetitive and at times rather polemical, was getting a bit shouty and over enthusiastic.

Anyway.  I think it is a lot better now and has gone into my final PhD chapters folder.  I am now onto chapter four, but not until Monday.  If this chapter took me two days of solid work then that chapter might well take me three.

Sup has emailed to say he will have my intro and concl comments ready at the end of the week, so that will be my weekend work.  So hopefully, come Monday I will be halfway through editing!  With the abstract, intro, ch's 2 and 3, and conclusion under my belt...  I think doing the intro and concl over the weekend is a good idea as I can only do short stints and can run away into the bosom of my family when it all gets too much.

And today has been magic because I have had three lovely thwumps from the baby.  There really is a baby in there, am not just really fat :)  This is a weight off my mind, I worry about this baby a LOT!

I have tomorrow OFF.  Woot! I think...  I hope I don't spend it in a mood because I feel anxious about work.  Although I am with Bean so 'off' means being a firefighter and bossed around for the day.  I hope to get him out and about.  Speaking of which I have to go and collect him for once, am very much looking forward to getting some fresh air and a nice walk.  Although it is windy, dark and freezing!  Eek!

x J

 

Bit Better

I am a bit better today.

I don't feel quite so blue about it and am ready to go for another day.  I really want to finish editing this chapter today and am almost tempted not to look at my emails in case Sup has got back to me about the intro and concl.  I think I could do with some time feeling like I am moving 'forward' rather than still going over the same old ground.  Maybe it would be good to get this chapter done, then over the weekend I can aim to go over the intro and concl and get them finished (finally?  maybe?) and the acronyms list written out...  I can do that in bits and bobs can't I, then come back to work on Monday all ready for a new chapter to edit (it is huge, evil, and has bad refs).

Work is starting to make me feel claustrophobic.  Day in, day out I sit at my desk, go over the same work, eat the same food.  And am not feeling very confident about it all, I don't really like my thesis any more.  I think it is a bit shit.

Anyway.  I will check my emails because I feel tetchy if I don't and will take what I find from there.  If that makes any sense at all!

x J

Blue

I'm really blue today!

I don't know why, I just feel like work is getting me down.  It is really, really boring the pants off me and I still have soooooooooooooooo much to do.  Checking everything is a nightmare, I need to really concentrate and everything is just getting me down.  Am not able to think 'well, another page down!' at all, just more more more to do. 

Am really tired I guess.  I didn't have a break because I didn't see the point, might as well slog on.  I have worked all day but not really accomplished much. is really slow going today so I feel rubbish.  So much to do.  I might just slope off when Bean comes home and not come back.  Have a break and lick my grumpy wounds, then come back tomorrow sparkling and enthusiastic again. 

I don't like that I have done so little today despite working all day.  I don't like how much my back hurts slouching over this desk.  I am so bored and unstimulated.  I hate the can of worms editing can be - finding refs that need sorting out and can only be done by going to the bloody library :(.  Grrr.  I also don't like the fact I have left the house once in nearly a week because of pregnancy complications.  I miss my walk to get Bean and feeling useful and part of his life in that way.  I feel like a lazy slug just sat here waiting for Bean and DB to leave/come back.  I hate it!  I will do the childcare run tomorrow unless it snows or something, I need to get out just for a wee walk.

I know i should be positive about something to cheer myself up but I just don't have the energy.  It is all rubbish!  Boo hoo.

x J

Stamina... where?!

Arf I have run out of steam!

I did my intro and it was rather depressing; I found some issues in it that I thought I had ironed out and am sad to think I nearly handed it in like that.  I wonder how many other mistakes I will miss.  I also spent a good 20 mins fussing over one reference that endnote was convinced was authored by one person when in fact it was two.  Ended up typing it my bloody self which will begger up my biblio - must remember to type it in.  Sent the new copy to Sup and shall await a scathing reply along with my conclusion.

Am also blue because I said to a PhD person that I hoped to finish early and she emphatically reassured me I would not.  The thought of finishing before xmas has been soooo motivating, and now I feel meh about it all if I am putting in all this work and still won't finish.  Which is childish and pointless.  All work is important eh?!  meh.

Now I have to get on with the next chapter and, quite frankly, I am struggling to be bothered.

Might have to get back to the ten minutes on and ten mins off sessions to get me motivated!

Am going to leave the laptop for 20 mins, hang up some washing and see what DB's pressie is like that I ordered.  Even tho I am super keen to get this chapter edited today I think I might have to do it today and tomorrow and save my sanity (and stamina and motivation!).

x J 

Back to intro

The book I ordered for the lit review has come through today so I am going to have to go back to the intro and pop this ref in and make sure that I am very clear about what my thesis is about.  I managed to read the intro and concl for it this morning while bean bounced around me in the sitting room so know what it is I want to take from it.  Yay.

I don't know how long this will take at all.  To be honest the whole intro is a bit of a blur to me, I think the horror of it all means it has been erased from my mind :)

After I have done that I shall start on chapter three, which is a very big chapter and will take me all day and probably tonight too.  I think chapter four will take me two days because the refs in that are all web pages, done before endnote came along, and are a mess!  That will be a fiddly chapter.  And am hoping the remaining three chapters will be a day each...  Sooooo I really hope to have finished editing all the text by the end of next week?  Which will leave me the last remaining week of Bean's childcare (he is leaving to start nursery in jan!) (the week up to xmas) to do my refs and tidy everything up.  With graft and luck I might be able to finish on the 20th :)  that would be divine!  What a lovely chrimble pressie!  DB is very excited as he is leaving work vefore xmas so we would all be at home with no hirrid work making us grumpy :)

Anyways better get on.  Am really tired today for no reason, and full of snot!  Lurrrrvely.

x J

Acknowledgements done!

Aw I did my acknowledgements!  Am glad I did as they took me about an hour and a half and am completely paranoid i have left someone out :)  I did have a wee weep.

So having done it now means I have time to think about it over the next few weeks and prevent waking in a sweat when I realise I left my Sup off the list!  It was also suprisingly difficult.  How to say 'I would like to thank' a million different ways and be all chatty and warm.  Hmmm.  Am really glad I didn't leave it till the end, I would have rushed it and maybe left people out, eek.

Anyway, it is done!  and the cover sheet is done!  So, re: faffy bits rather than hardcore editing, I have to do a preface (if I want one), keywords in my abstract, and sort out the bibliography.

Pleasingly Sup admitted that my system of footnotes is different to his (he doesn't use endnote) and he can't make head nor tail of it - mostly because he doesn't want to. So the 'shambles' is maybe a subjective opinion rather than a true evaluation of them.  they are shoddy but am fixing it as I go along.  hurrah.

I looked at tomorrow's chapter and there are two knots I am concerned about and can mull them over overnight.  Other than that, it looks fairly straightforward.  I hope to get it done tomorrow but we shall see, just because it is So Huge.

So I am off!  What a productive day.

x J

Another chapter done!

Woot!  So chapter two is all edited. 

It is my weakest chapter i think and if I can be arsed I will revisit it and beef it up but o be honest, i don't think I can.  It isn't weak as in, faulty, but just could do with more references to be super duper.  I don't care.  If the rest of it is as rubbish then I might have to step in and do something about it but we shall see.

I am very pleased.  I have nearly two hours of my day left!  I am going to check throgh the chapter for tomorrow so I know what I am facing; sort out my front cover; and might start on my preface and acknowledgements because although that is fluffy I know I will hate having to do it when I have edited that last chapter!  I will want to fly away, fly away and have chrimbo!  Might as well use the time I suppose, as otherwise I'll just slope off and try and find sommat on the tele.

Will put the radio on and keep me'sen some company.

Tomorrow I have a mammoth chapter to edit!  Mammoth!

x J

And Breathe...

Ohthankgodforthat.

I have been so stressed out about this phone call as I could only imagine that Sup had something awful and huge to relate to me that couldn't possibly be done on email...  but he didn't at all!  In fact, all he wanted to say was stop being so repetitive :)  I can do that.  He wouldn't mind seeing my intro again with new refs and hasn't looked at the concl I sent him yet but is sure all is fine.  I can end him any chapters that are realyl worrying me but other than that my stabilisers are off and I am to finish it alone and deal with the fallout in my viva.

And we tallked about examiners.  I am terrified about this type of conversation as the viva scares the pants off me, and I never know what my reaction should be when names are suggested.  I am bizarrely pleased that they have approached someone who is an up and coming name in my field, rather than the profs they were talking about before as I will be less likely to shit myself, and really it makes no odds to me or my CV who does it as I am not likely to be an academic.  They are actively seeking people who don't know much about my field of work...  I don't know if this is because my thesis is shite or because it is so multidisciplinary.  I really do jabber on sticking my fingers into lots of pies but don't really commit to any one, so the big names who are (ahem) more disciplined would lay into me about any one of these things and I would be like a rabbit in the headlights. 

I will be like that anyways.

Anyway.  That is FINE.  Fine.  Fine. 

Must finishing editing this chapter.  At the mo I don't see why I shouldn't aim to complete a chapter a day.  This would mean I will finish around, er, the end of next week seeing as am on chapter three (of eight) today.  Hehe, so no not likely (is it?!), let's go for the 20th Dec.  Woah.  That still seems crackers.  Gosh.  Well, anyway, am not aiming for a deadline like that, my deadline is the 31st.  I am, however, aiming to do a chapter a day, or two days if I am completely stuck.

x J

Motoring On

I sat down in a bit of a daze but am working ok now :)

I am onto my theory chapter.  It seems ok to edit, though there are three sticking points Sup seems to be cross about which are: my tendencies to repeat phrasing ('this research shows that...', 'The thesis draws from...' - research can't show apparently and STOP saying it anyway); be rather polemical without backing my point up (just need to tone down over-excitable phrasing); and I haven't referenced my points enough.  This latter point is very odd for me.  I think I wrote this chapter roughly and didn't want to get too bogged down in detail before getting the ok to carry on.  However, I know the section he refers to and that particular bit of theory I have under-researched and was hoping to wing it.  I just hope I can reference it properly with the meagre info I have!  Honestly, who uses a theory they don't really understand?!  I understand the main points but not the nuances.  Eek.

So I am worried about that latter issue but in the main I would be very happy if I got this chapter done today.  Am on pins a bit as I have a shopping delivery coming soon (I get nervous sometimes because I am shy!  and you have to chat!) and then Sup wants to ring, and I am waiting to hear back about the concl chapter.

Am generally quite nervy today and just have to keep telling myself that it is ok, that I am polishing and everything I am doing is hopefully for nearly the last time...  Actually, I think it is because I know this that I am nervy!  Am waiting for someone to ruin my dream that I might finish soon, quite comfortably, and make me work day and night and cry a lot.  Sup is my rumplestiltskin!  (Poor Sup).

Good news tho, Bean's cough has miraculously vanished and he slept all last night so I am hoping this means he just has the most pedestrian of colds and NOT whooping cough!

x J

Conclusion finished!

Bar two references the conclusion is re-written.

Two chapters in one day!

I sent it off to Sup, no doubt my feelings of super duper excellence will be squished on return of the script.  I also have a phone date tomorrow which I had completely forgotton about and am dreading.  I do not feel like we need a phone chat so obviously there must be something I Don't Know About and I really hope it doesn't mean I have to work forever and ever.  Or add a new chapter.  Or something.

To be honest, more than delighted I feel suspicious.  I thought this work would take four days of solid graft.  Instead I watched some tv and did two chapters while picking my teeth.  Hmmm...  this doesn't seem quite right.  Am sure Sup will put me right tomorrow but at least I will have yum yums and meatloaf to ease the pain...

Bed time!

x J

Intro finished!

No waaaaaaay.  I have finished my introduction :)

By 'finished' I mean I have one source to add but that will take half an hour when the book arrives in the post.  Otherwise is all edited and neat, refs have been checked and subheadings put in the contents page.  Is very exciting, not least because i thought this would take me two days of day and night working!  Hurray!   AND miracle of miracles, I am happy with the lit review!

Have started my folder of PhD final final chapters :)  It has my abstract, maps and now the intro.  Hurrah!

Am delighted that a 40 page doc took me three hours to work on.  I really hope this bodes well for the rest of the thesis...  fingers crossed!

I feel like I should slope off and watch some celebratory tv seeing as I have a spare few hours...  And then come back and have over an hour to work on the conclusion.  Or is that too cheeky at this stage?! 

x J

Glad to be working

Oh I am so happy!  So happy, happy!

I am back at my desk, no Bean, no housework, nothing but me and my lovely work.  I have to say I have been a miserable wench since I finished yesterday afternoon, been pretty stressy and snappy with poor beanie.  Not because I am worried or anything, but just because I am itching to get one with it!

This week I want to have the intro and concl chapters done.  The next two weeks I have to finish editing the remaining 6 chapters.  Then I have two days off for xmas, and then five days to do the bibliography and prelims and to feel ok about sending it off.  I think this should be ok if I get my head down.  Well, it has to be ok as I have to submit on the 31st of this month!  :)  Can't wait.  It really is very motivating!

I was told today that my Beanie might get whooping cough as his playmate at the childminder's has it :(  I am VERY worried about this as Bean has had a dry cough the past two days which is a symptom.  This would be horrendous for him.  It would also be horrendous for work as I would need to be with him full time.  Obviously I am more concerned about him tho and determined to get as much done while I can.  This cough is awful and is all the rage at the mo.  It makes littl'uns sick they cough so much :(  Am very worried.  TBH once I have this week out of the way with the re-writes of the intro and concl (such as they are) I will be ok - the rest is all editing that I can try and do late in the night etc.  Boring, time consuming but not a huge amount of brain work (no new writing :))  I could look after him and do this (have no choice!).   Fingers crossed he hasn't got it.

I did lots of xmas shopping online last night so that won't worry me.  I just need to focus - I have a ridiculous amount of distractions and for once I don't want them! 

Anyway.  I am whiny and grumpy.  I am going to get a coffee, some comfy trousers (am sore as hell from trudging my 17 week preggo arse up to the childminder's and back in black ice.  All the puddles looked like, well, puddles, but were ice!) to support my bump and sit and edit, edit edit.  I have two days for the intro.  On y va!

x J

It's all so much better than I thought!

Well hurray!

I had The Email from Sup I have been dreading all weekend about my revised intro chapter, the one I literally sweated and toiled over in three ddays of intense working last week...  and although he is quite doom and gloom about it being a lot mroe owrk to do, from what I hjave just printed out it looks like all I have to re-work is one section of the lit review (which i am choosing to re-work more than anything) and lots of deleting and replacing of clunky phrasing :)  This is AMAZING!

What a result!  At worst I thought it would come back unmarked with Sup having given up on me.  At best I hoped it would need the lit review properly re-written again with comments about how I have missed this/that lit.  Trips to the library etc etc...  but it is ok!  he said it is 100% better than before and he is pleased but it needs to be 150% better!  I thought, 'yay! but uh-oh' but really it is ok.  I will have this fixed in a jiffy.  It is a world away from the stress of last week. 

Then he wants my conclusion re-worked (dreading this) asap so he can then go and hide :)  I don't blame him for wanting to hide.  And if that means he can let the stabilisers off my bike so I can freewheel my own way to the submission date that will be very exciting, eh?! 

Another milestone reached I think :)

So far today then I have been doing loads of weird admin stuff: printing off the revised intro and a revised contents page, and sorting out the books I needed to buy, accidently finding refs to bolster a section of the lit review I am unhappy with and getting some maternity jeans!  I have re-organised my desk so my thesis sits there, waiting to be worked on (bleugh but yay) and am ready to dive in tomorrow.

So pleased!  So pleased!  I bloody HATE the lit review!  Can't stand it.  Am glad we are parting ways this week :) 

OMG this means that at the end of this week I will definitely have my first chapter properly ready for PhD submission!  WOOT.

x J

Back to it

Arf it is a beautiful crisp Sunday and I am sat here working.  Shucks.

I have a horrible cold and being preggo I just had to sit it out rather than have any fabulous medicine.  My lit review still sucks apparently but I have found some more sources I had squirreled away for a special occasion (aka hidden on my desk) that will sort of fit the bill.  Thank god.  I also have to buy a couple of books off amazon or go into uni to the library to get them, but doing that would take a whole half day on buses and walking up big hills just for two stupid books and I don't actually even have a library card any more!  So will just buy them and then send them back next week.

I opened The Manuscript yesterday morning and to my surprise generally it is all ok.  There is a lot of work to be done but the main thing, the thesis and writing and cross referencing and themes etc are all good and its hangs togterh nicely apparently.  So that is amazing :)  It is the refs and footnotes, the syntax and repetition that seem to be my main faults.  And the fecking lit review.  And the concl is rubbish too, as I suspected but it is my first draft on it so...

Am quite stressed and unhappy but know this is superficial and necessary to get the job done.  I think the deadline of CHRISTMAS is quite an awful one!  I dread spending CHRISTMAS day in a PhD infused fog of worry and distractedness; I want to relax and be happy with my family.  So now is the time to change this.  My son is at his second ever birthday party and I have skived off going to sit here and work instead (and am antisocially full of snot).  I have an hour and a half aroundabout to start making some headway and calm the inner voice of stress and evil.

Today I am taking it easy as I am aware I have had two days off and am ill.  It is an exercise of re-learning how to sit at my desk and getting the wheels oiled for the next few weeks of hard work!  I plan to:

• look though the comments re: the manuscript and jot them down so I can use them as reference points and keep checking them as I edit. 
• I need to order those books.
• start editing from Chapter Two.  I will leave the intro to wait to see properly what Sup concludes and receive those books.

I know it is bollocks, and I have done it all.  But I also know it needs to be much, much better.

Sup wants to call me :(  I don't want to hear it!  I don't want to!

x J

'constructive panic' as the order of the day

Oh dear.  I confessed to sup that I hadn't opened the manuscript he sent yet as I am too scared and he said that he thinks constructive panic is the order of the day. 

What does that MEAN?!  Does it mean I am buggered?!  I think it does!  Oh dear.

I did the contents page, which means that I have the whole of tomorrow off, even if Bean naps :)  I need a brain break to face That Manuscript.  I shall have a look for an hour on saturday and cry a lot into a nice hot chocolate, have a cuddle from Db and work on it some on Sunday.

The contents page was very illuminating.  It is far too long, which means I have too many subtitles!  So i will have to edit it to make sense with less subtitles (please help me Sup).

It took me ages as well, about 1.5 hours!

Oh hell, this is all so awful.  I only have a month to scrub it all up!  And in that month I have Bean's Birthday and Xmas to organise! 

Am feeling blue, overtired and meh.

But pleased really, am working as hard as I can and no-one can ask more.  And I am coming down with a cold.  Poor me!

Till Saturday then.   I am going to ADORE my day off tomorrow.  Adore it.

x J

intro done :)

Am so pleased!

I can't quite believe it but I have finished editing the intro.  I never in a million years thought I would get it done today!  I have worked and worked and worked but finished at 4ish with just an prelim intro of 250 words to do, introducing and setting the scene for the disaster I am talking about.

I have done that now, didn't take long and is all ready to send off to Sup :)  I am pleased with it and dubious about it in equal measure I have to say.  I think I will always think it is a bit shite unless Sup tells me otherwise.  I am convinced the lit review needs more work and am dreading it. 

I still have the contents page to do...  I think I will try and do that tomorrow or in front of the tv tonight.  it is boring but should be straightforward and it would be nice to have tomorrow OFF.  Will work a bit on sat - open that evil bag of evil from Sup and see what the damage is.

Anyways, yay.


x J

Grit and Determination

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Thank god.  I have finally finished editing the lit review AND got it down to 4000 wds.

I am sure it will come back to me and I dread it.  I wonder if I will ever get it done properly.  But I have reworked it so it makes sense, taken lots of shite out and added other good stuff and talked all the time about how I do like this idea/don't like that idea. 

Am so bored to death of it; if I could I would take some time off now!  But I can't.  I will never get this chapter done today :(  I have about 8 pages left to edit (of 30) which is wonderful, but they need a lot of work and I also have to write 250 words introducing my case study properly, which is grand but needs stats etc that I have to research.  I did have them once, but have lost them somewhere in the two house moves I have done since I started 5 years ago!  It is easy, just will take a couple of hours.

I wonder if Bean will nap tomorrow...  if he does I could work then!  If I had tomorrow, or just half of tomorrow, I could get it finished and so it would be in 'by the end of the week'.

I will keep going.  Keep trying, pushing, grit teeth, get on...

Oh, the full edited manuscript from Sup has arrived.  It is downstairs, unopened.  It will remain unopened until I work on the next chapter - Sunday probably.  I completely dread opening it.  It will be bloody awful.

Any Sup has written on my chapter I am working on that I need a copy-editor!  I agree, I cannot see typos and mistakes in my own work.  But my friend who is a copy-editor said she would do it...  for £1000!  WTF!  That is mates' rates too!  We can't pay that for someone to peruse this begger :(  But what a dream...  would she change it all for me?  she would wouldn't she.  Ahhhhh.  That would be like a lovely hot bath, sending off my typos for someone to change it so it is all nice and perdy and sharp.

x J

slept too well!

Right.  My son slept all last night and therefore, so did I.  This seems to have erased all my memory of working so I have no idea what I was doing or why!

Hehe. 

Am not enjoying this one bit.  Am just not.  but I think, well, it is the last time I will do this horrible stuff.  I submit in a month!  So, is better than having months and months of this in front of me.  I have to confess that I am winging it at the moment, following Sup's suggestions rather blindly and filling in gaps but am not convinced by what I am writing.  This worries me as obviously if I am not convinced how will anyone else be?!  I don't know though if I will ever look at it and go , righty, that is just brilliant stuff.  I wonder if when you are this close to it it just seems rubbish as it is so familiar.  I know it so intimately!

Anyway.  Better crack on. 

I have no idea what is going on!

x J

leaving now

Oh my.

I am about halfway through editing (again, I was here last night) and am going to leave it now.  I am feeling fine but starting to get lazy and I just have to stop or tomorrow I will be too tired to do anything.  It always takes me ages to get to sleep when I have worked late too :(  If bean wakes up or gets me up early (was up at 6am this morning) or am feeling rough or overtired I get stupid so for the sake of a crap hour extra now, I shall rejuvenate for tomorrow's push.

I have done SUCH a lot today and really feel that I have turned this chapter around.  I have sorted out my most horrible knots and am hoping that tomorrow I will get some speed up as I have a bit of an easier ride of it.  I have to edit out a LOT of words but will worry about that another time.  My priority tomorrow is to get this done to a readable standard to send back to Sup.  I don't know if I will get it finished but I really hope to and will keep working on it as if I will!

There is just so much to do.

x J

Back for more

Arf am back again.  Will work till 8.30ish probably, will see how it goes.

Was great to get some headspace and have a walk, although I arrived to get Bean at the same time as DB!  Apparently he had told me he was picking Bean up but I have no recollection of this!

Still not sure what I am going to do about this lit review, but have realised that getting het up about it is pointless.  Will make it up as I go along.

x J

Don't want to do it any more!

I am sulking.

I have had a really good day of work, have sorted out the chapter with my old edition and am now going through and editing it using sup's notes and queries.  But it is getting me down and I feel like just saying 'sod it!  It doesn't bloody matter anyway!'.  In real life I would never work on something this difficult or knotty, I am quite happy to just not get into bogs like this.  Not many people in real life, tbh, get in knots like this anyway!  I am not a details person.  I am very much a 'that'll do!' person.  If it looks a bit knackered I just think 'shabby chic', and anyway, am just not into perfectionist stuff, I like mess.

I am a tidy person tho, and used to be one hell of a perfectionist.  Am not so much any more, I've mellowed with old age and parenthood :) 

Anyway.  Sorting this out is driving me nuts.  I say something, Sup picks me up on it (how dare he) and now I am in a pickle trying to sort out what I meant/didn't mean as clearly actually no literature backs me up.  And then I think, sod it, the thesis is shit!  And I can't delete everything I don't like.  Or can I?  Maybe if this section is irreconcilable with Sup's comments I should a) just delete it; b) change it to say what sup thinks; or c) try and stick to my guns and fail.  Maybe I am just being a bit militant about my stance and should just chill out a bit...  hmm.

And tomorrow, horror of horrors, I get the WHOLE thesis back in the post :(  Oh dear.  If I am so confuddled with this one chapter I cannot imagine the hell that is in that parcel.

Crikey.  Am actually glad I have to go and get Bean as I will get a nice walk to give me some perspective and maybe even help me work this knot out.  And then I will make us a nice dins and play fire engines and come back to work when DB gets home.

Am not sure whether I will get this done for tomorrow, but I really hope to.  Am sure it will still be crap though :(  Oh well, I can but soldier on.

x J

 

New Day :)

So today is a new day.  I had some sleep and feel more with it today in general, hurrah.

I wrote down a plan of action for this chapter this morning (poor Beanie was stuck in front of cbeebies during this time) which helped clear my mind and break the work down into manageable chunks.  I have worked out that I can do the contents page (tedious, time consuming but easy) in front of the tv tonight (Junior Apprentice to be precise) so get to watch tv and work, super.  I have also worked out that I ought to do the nasty lit review stuff today and work out that knot as it is the sticking point for most issues in the chapter.  Am dreading it but know it has to be done.  A lovely walk in the crisp (freezing cold) to take Beanie to the childminer really helped clear my mind and get me motivated.

Am not really motivated, it is more that I am ploughing on with the knowledge that friday and saturday I just cannot work as I am looking after Beanie.  I will work evenings but that won't be much.  Sup is also expecting this work on Friday!  I don't know how this will happen but will do my best.

Ooooooh as well, I had a horrible niggle yesterday about a section in footnotes that Sup thinks I should plump out and make proper in the chapter.  I knew through my tired, stressy fog that I must have written it already somewhere and was edited out... which was why I was reluctant to get to work on it.  And this morning after my walk I realised that I THINK it is in my first ever lit review (that was 14000 words hehe).  I am so hoping I won't have to write but can copy and paste this old work!  It was well written and everything.  That will be a lifesaver.  it would save a whole day of horrible writing from scratch. 

We shall see

So, on with the lit review.  I have lots of french fries crisps, yums yums and a delicious stir fry planned for dins so comfort food all the way today.  Will sneak in a hot choc too.  You might think I would be reet fat with all my munching but, bizarrely, I haven't put on any weight even tho am preggo :)  Wonderful stuff - must be the walking to the childminders four days a week!

I tell you, when you get to this stage the ONLY motivation is the fact that you are so bloody nearly there.  There is no choice but to keep plodding on.  But I tell you, if I knew about all this when I started...  oooooh!  Am delighted I feel this way though because I haven't yet and is a sure sign am near the end.  The more it hurts the closer I am!  (hehe is a bit like labour!!)

x J

knackered, stupid, can't concentrate

I know I will regret this and I am being lame but I am going to call it a night. 

My eyes feel like they have sand in them and I am making more mistakes than I am editing out.  I can't think straight and I have to hope that having an early night will restore me to fine fettle for tomorrow's work bonanza. 

I am sure I couldn't feel any worse!  well, unless I was pukey or had flu or something (please no)

Ok, I have seen the next two pages of editing and they seem pretty 'safe' (i.e. no huge glaring ref issues that I spend 20 mins trying to rectify, or content issues re: lit review.  Or, the worst, massive questions over my interpretations of literature that I have to go over and justify!) so will do those and then I will be halfway through.  I really hope I get through the rest of it quickly tomorrow and then can go back and deal with the swathes of writing I have to do.

Am not really liking doing this.  I know when it is over I will be very happy, but then I might have to do this for another seven chapters and that is really bloody depressing.  I am starting to see why people feel insane at the end of the PhD.  I can see it happening.  It's the insanely pedantic levels of attention to detail, it drives you mental with boredom and hatred.

Am very frightened. 

Luckily for me I have discovered yum yums and have two more in the cupboard to scoff all to myself tomorrow.  Hurrah.  I am only motivated by the yum yums.

x J

Even' then

Arses, back to evening working.

Taking some adjusting!  My brain has died too; I was just on a friend's facebook page having a nosy at her new baby and scrolled down and after a while thought it was strange that my facebook was all about them.  D'uh, completely forgot that I was on their page.

And now I am to do PhD work!

Because I am tired and it is my first day back, and I want some time to think, I am going to do 'easy' stuff tonight, sorting out basic editing issues, and do thinky stuff tomorrow when I have a whole day to tackle it.

Amusingly earlier I thought my very straight, very old school Sup was drawing shocked emoticons on my work, when actually it turns out he was trying to point out that I had forgotton to put umlauts on the 'O' of someone's name!  His drawing of the 'O' with umlauts looks just like a shocked face emoticon :)  So funny!  (and quite a relief!)

So, on with editing.  Am so very worried about how on earth I will get this all in for Friday.

x J

Testing your mettle

Just to say, that a huge thing at this stage is having your work heavily critiqued - not critised, my sup hasn't come back to me saying it is shite or anything but it has been worked over like a good 'un - and coming back from it straight away to write more.

To be honest my confidence is shaken and normally it would take a few days and a minor meltdown to get over this but I don't have that time!  So I am right back in the thick of it, writing away and adding stuff where it needs to go and, basically, I am just not allowed to think it is shit!

Is so weird, like having to stay and fight when all you want to do is run away and hide under the covers and sob that you just can't do it.

I have to do it!

UG.

It is nice now it is formatted though as Sup has suggested rather than my way, it does look rather posh and proper-like.

All fur coat and no knickers at this stage tho!

x J

Fucktits

And so phase two of evilness begins.

I have cried over it already this morning and think this is probably a good sign, but yes, the work is starting to take on monstrous proportions.  Having a good cry here and there is probably par for the course now and as long as I don't let the worry and fear and horror overcome me too much and just keep ploughing on, head down, shoulders hunched, it might be ok.

The chapter, basically, is shite :)  I have a LOT to add, a lot to subtract and basically every page has been scrawled over.  Eek.  I have three days to do this which is causing me to panic.

However, I have crisps, I have yum yums, I have biccies; Bean is usually asleep by 7.30 now so I have a few hours each evening to work; and i have the motivation of not wanting to be weeping on xmas day!  And, if nothing else kicks my butt, the fact that Sup is working so hard on it surely must guilt-trip me into doing something!  My poor Sup.

He said he is on chapter 6 now (of eight and the last will be a shocker - he will hate me) and it is very repetitive which doesn't surprise me but if that is the most remarkable thing about it I am delighted.  Repetition I can deal with - not having a thesis or having to rewrite the whole thing again - notsomuch!

x J

Chapter One ready for me!

Eek and phew!

Sup has sent my abstract back that I sent him, is done to the final edit.  So, I have an abstract to hand in!  How exciting! 

He also scanned and sent me every page of chapter one with his (many, many) comments, question marks and crossings outs on them.  How kind is that?  He wants it fixed by the end of the week; thank the LORD for childcare.  I will be up and at this asap tomorrow and will work my socks off tom, weds, thurs to get it done as I need to send it by the end of the week.  Then hopefully that might mean a chapter down?  Dunno, I have to sort out the lit review (again, again, again) and structure it properly so no doubt it will still be shite.  He is sending the rest of the manuscript in the post...

The emails from my sup about it all were warmer so am feeling like less of a twat, am ready to get on with it!  (tomorrow!)  Is lovely working from suggestions and help in this chapter as I have no bloody idea what to do with an intro tbh.  He is apparently on a warpath for scholarly rigour and is taking him AGES to go through it.  Oh dear.

Though, to be fair (I have to find positive points - if my confidence goes at this late stage I would be buggered!) this is the first and only time Sup has stepped in to firmly direct me and it does need some shaping up from someone wise.  I don't think anyone can really write a PhD thesis all by themselves can they?  Like, for instance, I really didn't know that all footnotes have to start from number '1' on each chapter, or that it should be double spaced, or that titles need to be in capitals.  Or that 'British' should be 'UK'...  And I can't see where I have forgotton to explain bits because to me it is obvious!

At least my writing hasn't be ripped apart yet like it was about three days before I was meant to hand in my MA dissertation (it was 'grotesque'!)

All round happier and excited about getting closer to getting this fecker FINISHED!

laters yo.

x J

Phew (still bad tho)

It is all still bad BUT I have managed to sort out the work he sent. 

It was just a case of me being an editing twat really for the abstract, not noticing that I had written the number '3' instead of the word (I was tired but oh, the shame) and stupid long sentences.  The content was ok tho and I take a teeny bit of heart from that.

In a way I am glad this phase has started and that I have been thrown into it - and that so far i don't need to drive to the other side of the country to have a face to face about how dreadful it all is.  And it is lovely he is editing it for me (am jammy, yes, but he is Very Cross about it and really, Sup never, ever gets cross with me) as I have no brain and am not a brilliant writer (hello, blog).

Arf.  After i stopped weeping with shock and sorted it out I felt ok again.  All that in 20 mins of drama.

Am dreading what tomorrow will bring.

Oh, and my footnotes are a shambles.


x J

Oh dear

I am in trouble.

My work is a bit rubbish it seems!  After a lovely day watching silly tv and eating I have opened my email to find a very abrupt email from my Sup with scanned pics of the abstract and annotations I have to fix 'by the end of today' (I have to get bean in an hour!) and he will send my first chapter tomorrow, which he 'expects to have revised by the end of the week.'

Oh dear!  It is is good to have help and really it seems like he is so exasperated with how rubbish it is he has marked it and edited it himself (sad face) so I just need to swallow my pride really and get on with it...

He is half way through it tho and these seem to be the major sticking points so far, so maybe the other chapters aren't so bad (so far).

ho hum, week off cancelled! ;0)

x J

OMG I wrote a PhD Thesis!

So yesterday I was a bit stressy and sort of nonplussed by having time off and waiting for the draft to be marked...

And then this morning I was feeling stressy again and thought about it while cleaning the kitchen and all of sudden it occured to me: I have written the thesis!  I have done it, and if I needed to I could just hand it in as it is!  It is written!  It has an intro, an abstract, it has contentions and it has a conclusion.  It has a bibliography that is neatly formatted (thanks endnote).  It needs editing and a bit of TLC which, thankfully I have a month to do and the motivation of christmas with my family to see me through the long nights of work ahead of me.  But that is all polishing.  I don't know what Sup will have to say, but as far as I am concerned it is generally ok - the text is FINE.  And this is really important - I have finished writing.  Sup may decide I need to make two big chapters into three, need to re-write the concl and intro etc but that will be ok and not need new writing or ideas and with some direction I will be able to do that a-ok. 

This is really, really exciting!  I had it in my head that handing in this first draft was just one step of many, or that it was only the little brother to the Big Brother of Submission.  But actually, it is the other way around!  Getting to this stage is the Big Brother, the next stage is much easier (boring and tedious, but not difficult).

I have a PhD thesis!  I have something that, even if we all are stuck down with norovirus etc for a month and i have no childcare bla bla, I can hand in.  even if it is rubbish, it is MY rubbish and it is complete.

And for that I am incredibly happy and feel MUCH lighter of heart.  I will happily have my time off while sup casts his clever eye over it and then get into editing and POLISHING something I have already done.

Most pleased!

x J