Nearly Sorted

I have faffed a lot today, I confess.

However, I have also managed to sort out the outline of this chapter.  I don't know why doing it has been such a challenge but for some reason there is at least one topic I know realise I need to cover in the lit review that I honestly didn't think about including before!  This might be why it felt all wrong ;0)  I am not putting in the part from another chapter in, as the sources are not academic but from primary sources - reports etc and so is part of the research really.  What I will do instead is put that whole chapter after the lit review instead of at the back end of the thesis, so readers get that info from the start. 

I can't believe how confusing organising this chapter has been.

What I haven't managed to do yet is sort out all the lit into relevant piles.  It is scattered al around me, and while I was off sick the kitten came in and obviously thought all the paper was great fun.  Shock horror.  It did make me cry when I saw all my lovely piles scattered about but then anything made me cry then ;0)  Now I realise it is probably a blessing as I have to check through all my sources now and reorganise my pile which will be a good exercise in re-aquainting myself with my literature.

I did the 30 day shred dvd at lunchtime - is only 20 mins but proper exercise, you don't stop or spend time being faffy.  I am knackered!  Really knackered!  I need to do it to keep exercising and get fitter, but also to work off all my work snacksies. 

SO I have half an hour before knocking off.  I shall tidy up all my 'planning' (crazy scribbling) and make sure the lit review plan flows ok.  Saturday I will start gathering all my notes to see what I have got and hope, hope hope I don't have to do more reading.  I think I will for this 'forgotton' section as it is a bit out of my immediate remit and I have done enough to know I am not crackers but not completely loads.  Hmmm.  Mustn't get distracted with random topics - just write enough to prove my point maybe.  Anyway, I will write what I have got and see how my word count is doing. 

x J

Late Night

It was a late one last night!

I couldn't sleep for fretting about this lit review chapter, I really didn't want to waste another day chasing my tail.  In the end I planned it out loud :)  I pretended I was trying to tell DB why I was doing my research and where my ideas had come from and it worked!  Then I scribbled it down and now I have a plan of sorts.  I have also realised that a bit of one chapter I haven't felt entirely comfortable about but really want in my research might actually be better suited in the lit review.  This is exciting, like a complicated jigsaw where I have the wrong piece in the wrong place but don't know it, just kind of feel it is wrong.

So today I am writing this plan into a more formal plan, seeing if that bit of chapter can be lifted into the lit review and then gathering together the relevant literature.  This will do FOR NOW - if I want to fiddle/refine more I can do this at a later date, for now I need to start getting into writing.  I think if I work out the subsections of this chapter, get the lit necessary from my piles and work from that, putting in quotes and ideas and just writing basically, that should be good enough.

I don't mind if I don't get any writing done today but would really like to start this weekend.  I will probably work on saturday night, into the night, again instead of taking any lovely precious weekend time up with my family.  To be honest I need their company!  I spend a LOT of time alone at the moment, or with DS and crave grown up company.  A chat!  A laugh!  I just wonder if I am not very chatty and laughy because at this stage of the PhD you just...  aren't.

Today I have a packet of crisps and a mahousive bag of peanut m and ms to keep me company.  I am also planning to do my 30 day shred dvd which is an evil exercise dvd but only takes 20 mins apparently.  I can do that.  Although it really is meant to be nasty!

laters yo.

x J

Signature Sentence Done!

It has taken me all day to work out the Sentence!

All day!  And now I have, it is not news to me at all!  In fact I think I have it written somewhere already?!  Ah.  Oh well.  I had to go through my old chapters to remember what this is all about, I had no idea. 

So now I have the sentence of what the heck the point of this is I really, really hope I can work out what I want to put in the lit review, and why.  And then, tomorrow I can start to pull out all the necessary refs (everythingI ever read) and hone them into sections for the chapter, and then write them all out.  After reading them.

Hmmm.

 x J

Feeling Busy!

Right.  I am BUSY today!

My lit review sucks.  It is a ;ile of shitty shit.  I can't believe I honestly thought it was ok, I really was a mess ;0)

I have read someone else's lit review in their PhD thesis.  It is marvellous; that guy really knows his stuff, he has references coming out of everywhere - about every point he makes.  Everything he says is in reference to *his argument*, and his ideas.  he is happy to debunk an idea he thinks is shit, with good reasons to back it up.  It shows how people talk about his topic.  And it is *focused* onto his topic, which is small, tight and discussed in detail.  It is not a comment on the whole of peace and conflict studies, but simply focuses on his particular niche. 

I think finding this niche is a skill in itself.  It is part of getting your thesis to a point where you really can describe it in one sentence.  That my thesis 'sentence' keeps changing I think shows how I don't yet really know what I am writing about ;0) 

My lit review will shape the rest of the thesis.  So sorting out what my thesis is ON would be a good start to filtering the literature I want to use.  Getting the Sentence would be grand.  I think this will be ok.  Then I need to sort out the literature into the different ways people talk about/have talked about my topic.  I need to show how my work derives from/contributes to/debunks these ideas.  Then the lit review will lead into my research chapters.

I do not want to read around my topic too much.  I want to be focused and rigorous.  Stuff 'around' the topic can be addressed in the VIVA.

ok.  I feel so busy and thinky and capable :)  AND I am actually enjoying myself!  Hurray :)

x J

Finished Editing

Now I am on to the literature review chapter.

Technically I have five chapters of nine written to first draft standard.  However, I do have to re-do the discussion chapter as although the arguments in it are decent enough I don't think it is really engaged with the literature enough.  I am sure I should have lots and lots of references and it just doesn't really.  It shows I don't really know the lit at the mo.  But when I have done the lit review this should come naturally?  I will review it straight afterwards.

Looking at the lit review hurts.  I thought it was jazzy but actually it is poor.  I am so glad in a way that I have had this time off (er well, not... but you know what I mean) because because I can really see the work for what it is.  It needs some proper TLC which I couldn't really give before because my deadlines were too tight and I was reaching burnout.  As it was I did burnout and nearly snuffed it completely, but am back now and woah, lady, this needs some attention!

The introduction is lazy, wordy and unfocused.  The points I want to focus on are a bit toward the outside of my remit and in a couple of areas I don't even know that well.  So I either need to steer clear of them, or read more.  Surely I can't read more - but what I have read I can ingest better, so re-reading properly and wholeheartedly is essential.  If I think that this is the last bloody time I will have to really read these notes and authors and if I can just concentrte and get the info in my brain, like for an exam, then it gives me that bit of energy I need to pick them up again. 

I have a month to complete this chapter which is lovely.  With hard work and concentration I can do this. 

it is so much better seeing it with fresh eyes.  I can see the edges of my research, whereas before I 'knew' too much and was sort of bleeding into areas that are of interest to the work but not really...  and so should be left alone.  I need to think of it as a little project, a micro project and make it really focused and tight, make it about a few points made well rather than grand statements.  PhD projects do not the world change :) 

Off to stare at this mess of an introduction and re-think what it is I really want to do with the research.  Lit review chapters do have quite an important role in shaping the expectation of the reader as to the direction of the research.  I have written the contentions chapters, now I need to kind of work backward and see what my main foci were, why and what the history behind them is.  this is the lit review.

x J

Working away...

Well, I am back at work good and proper :)

I got back from dropping the Bean off with the childminder and came straight upstairs and faffed on the internet for about an hour, then some of the editing, went and made lunch and came back up with it, sat and faffed and am now back working again!  Sounds like a pretty normal day?!

the best thing is that I am sat here and not watching tv or anything else.  And that I am sat with my work open straight away is another great improvement.  And that I have nearly finished my quota of work for today - but am going to carry on and do tomorrow's is even better!

In the meantime I have been faffing on mumsnet, of course, and looking up places to stay when we go on holiday to Eetalee.  My friend recommended this site called 'airbnb' and it is amazing!  You can stay in actual people's houses and pay them instead of proper self catering etc and so get to have a proper 'local' experience for cheap.  I love it and am all excited.

Which is good for work because when we go away I really want to be relaxed and happy and that means I have to WORK!

Bloody hate working though ;0)

x J

And so the late nights begin!

It is midnight.  I am working.

I was lying in bed at nearly 11pm and unable to sleep for being gloomy (I know, still!) about having to work so much, about being lonely now after five years of working alone in my various studies, about how I crave a job and company and banter, about how I have to work tomorrow, a sunday, instead of taking my son out for fun times...  and then I thought Oh!  I should work now instead!  And so here I am!

And it isn't bad :)  the house is all quiet.  My mind is quiet.  If I get an extra half hour tomorrow with my family it will be worth the tiredness; if I get to play with my son tomorrow instead of fretting about work it will be worth the tiredness; if I complete the PhD it will be worth it.  I would never look back.  In october I will finish this PhD, and we will move down south to start a whole new, far more sociable phase in our lives.  I have so much to look forward to - but to get there I have to earn it, and anyway sitting around moping isn't going to make time go any faster :)

So I am NOT MOPING any more!  I am cheery and positive!  well, I am not - but only in a way that this stage of the PhD makes you a bit mad and worried and sick to death of it all!

I must just plod on. 

I think if I just try and work at night as much as I can so my days are relatively free of the PhD and accompanying stress this will be good.  And if I can't sleep for worrying then why not work?!  If I am knackered, I will sleep!  But I must try to go to bed at 1am really, for Bean will be up at any time around 6am.  I wouldn't mind being so tired though if it felt productive, you know?!  Rather than just because I was feeling low?

I feel good; I feel in control.

I'm gonna get this goddamn PhD if it kills me!  and then I shall never, ever think about it again! (ignore the viva issue)

x J

arf

Oh this working business is hard!

I did my two pages this morning, which actually was a bit of a page having realised I did most of it ages ago, so took the opportunity to skive.  Had a good swim and am now really shattered!  Damned exercise!

Then I bought crisps and chocolate to reward myself with when working this aft, and scoffed it while reading shite on the internet.  THEN I realised I have to edit HARD as I think there is actually a whole chuffing section of the discussion I hate (and that the sup questioned) but if I take it out am then committed to making it all make sense and I haven't got a clue.  It is a bit like learning to cut hair, just have to take the plunge and CUT! 

i feel tired and can't concentrate.  I have no idea what all this means, am bored stupid with my PhD now and can't remember my sources :(  I have them laid out in front of me and they are scaring me, there are so many!

I am not sure what to do first.  Should I carry on editing but not knowing what info I do want in there?  Or should I re-familiarise myself with my literature?  Or should I just go to the lit review?

Hmmm.

Actually, experience is telling me to do the thing I want to do least.  This is organising the discussion. 

bah, damn you experience!

x J

Working!

I am at my laptop, in my study, no music on and am going to do some work :)

Hurray!  I am going to do the two pages of editing and then I can do what like if I finish early.  I am going to brave the rain and go for a swim at 12, then have lunch, and will be back at work for 2-2.30.  I will do two more pages of editing and that will be that. 

Am so glad I am back!

x J

Back in the study!

Today I have sat in my study more than not and it has felt like the right place to be...

I have also planned my imminent return to work, with a new completion date of Friday 12 October...  It seems a gazillion years away but actually that still means I only have 9 weeks to write three and a half chapters, and over four weeks to edit, with 2 weeks in Italy in there somewhere too :)  I did want to have it finished before going on holiday but that would mean having to finish by the 13 of Sept, so all writing would have to be done by the 13 Aug at the latest which only gives me 7 weeks.  This is not enough! 

Am pretty scared but know this is more time that I had before so should be doable?  And I do need a certain amount of pressure and also *to get it finished*!  I would love to get it submitted before going on holiday...  but that two/three weeks of editing time could be invaluable - if not, i'll have it finished!  I wonder as well if there might be some merit to having it all written and half edited, then beggering off for two weeks of sun, then coming back all refreshed and objective and then having ten days/two weeks to re-read, edit and have some perspective on it all?  And my Sup could have a look at it while am off as well.  And it wouldn't ruin my holiday because I would be practically finished, all written just sorting out refs etc.  (good incentive to be organised.)

I think I have to think about this in practical terms - in terms of actually getting it done - in a good time frame and think this is better than not getting it done in a short time frame ;0)  Does mean the house move to the South will have to be postponed which pisses me off but I don't think DB will mind.

BUT anyway, I have a plan :)  I have written out deadline times for each chapter and new working hours.  I am to start back proper tomorrow!  I am soooo skeered and bored to DEATH already! 

So, today my plan was to skive, tidy the house and make a work plan.  Tomorrow my plan is to work and go for a swim/run.

I should probably have a better plan than just 'work'... Right.  I have 14 pages to edit of the discussion chapter.  I am starting with this to get my brain back into what the feck this PhD is about.  So if I do 3 pages a day then that totals 4 days and a bit.  I have tomorrow, Sunday, Tues and Weds.  So that's fine then.  Righty, tomorrow I plan to do 4 pages of editing, 2 in the morning, and 2 in the afternoon (post swim). 

A plan.

I have made an actual decision today, not really consciously I think but a decision nonetheless, to finish my PhD.  I will finish it because DB looks despairing and utterly perplexed when I say I don't want to do it any more, and I understand why (though i know my reasons to stop are valid too); because i really want to get a job now, being a stay at home mum would be lush but I am not very good at playing with bricks and making dens all day, I get grumpy; I think having a PhD will help me get a better paid job that I enjoy and hopefully has some responsibility and can do part-time but still earn a decent wage; I would like the self respect that I finished it; and I would always wonder why I couldn't do it when every bugger else around me has.  What if I could do it, but didn't? 

So I think I should work at it, try my best, and hand in whatever I have got and if it is shit, well I tried and what have I got to lose?  Esepecially at this stage; I have written the research chapters up, and the discussion chapter, I only have the explaining chapters to do (lit review, methodology, intro and concl.  references and appendices).

AND...  I fancy writing again.  I like writing.

x J

Slowly Does It

Saw the drs yesterday and have been 'discharged' as it were :)

Am pretty a ok now, have come through the worst.  Went for a run yesterday, 5k, killed me but made me feel pretty good.  Have done no more work this week and won't do any for a while.  The dr saiud that though everything else was obviously getting better my intellectual fitness and ability to cope with the pressure of Uni was going to be low so I could do with taking a bit more time to get back into it than I was giving myself.  I think this is a fair comment and grratefully received.  I love the idea of intellectual fitness, and that i have to take time to get mine back up to speed again.  It is *so* hard to be a PhD-type person (ie. self driven) and take it easy, to not force yourself to be working tip top all the time.  I am going to come back on Tuesday and do *planning*, work out deadlines and how much I have to work and then leave it for the week.  Slowwwwwww.

This pleases me greatly.

x J

Not Working!

Nope!  Not working!

But I am fine and dandy :)  I am FINE.  I am well,  and happy and back on track :) 

Work (uni) saying I could just leave it for months if I want has made me sooooo much better.  I was stressed before about having to wangle more time off from the dr (seeing her today) etc, and I don't like asking for time off, or having sicknotes and being defined as 'ill' when I am trying to get better.  For the last two weeks it has been really helpful to be recognised as an ill person, who needs to get better, even if it is that I am ill because I am sad and stressed. 

It meant I could forget about work and sit back and ask myself how I can change things/address things/hide from things to get better.  I started just doing anything when I felt the gloom coming on, just getting up and moving something so thr thought wouldn't stick.  I then made myself go out, just with DB and Bean for a meal or something, so I could cope in public without feeling under attack (the anxiety).  I di breathing exercises for when  started to have panicky feelings (still doing this) and this worked and made myself see my friends and be in public.  I realised that if I felt stressed in this situation or sad I had to 'shrug' the feeling off, I visualised it as a gruff monster that would keep jumping on my back and trying to claim me, and would shrug it off and tell it to fuck off.  This really worked.  I realised as well that as well as depression, the 'monster' was also guilt.  I felt really guilty for moving on and leaving the mc behind, like i should stay in a fug of grief or that would be dissing the baby I lost.  And this helped me move on too.

And now I am in a situation where I can think about lots of things at the same time, I can plan a whole day of things to do and plan and cook a meal... and think about work :)

I am not going to work today, I am planning to exercise (might not) and go to the drs and jump in with jazz hands and say hurrah!  I am healed!  And get closure from her agreeing.  I have signed up for counselling to address all the other shit in my life that keeps popping up in depressive episodes as i just want to be well, for all time. 

I am going to go abck to work on Tuesday.  I am very, very scared and dreading it but this is more to do with the work than anything else - I have a lot to do and also I have forgotton what the hell all my notes say.  So that is a lot of reading to catch up on.

Anyway, big essay but, yes, after a shit few months (second hardest time of my life tbh) I think I can bite the bullet and take the heat of the PhD.  Sick of everyone finishing around me, I want to be rid of the fucker too :)

I think I should plan to do something like 15 mins a day or 500 words a day or something.  plan a goal but an achievable one NOT 'come abck and write loads'.  Hmm I shall ponder but that thought is pleasing... seeing as I have until sept now I can take it a bit easier (hence coming back 'early' and not waiting until sept)

x J

Cool

I think I am going to be signed off until September...

I emailed the secretary to confirm I was signed off again, and said I will probably have another sick note for another couple of weeks soon and she said she could request suspension until sept for me if that was easier, and if I finished before then then so be it.  This would be amazing for my stress levels and get me back to work much sooner, ironically.  I also emailed my sup to let him know I was off still and he told me to stop thinking about submission and take it easy. 

These emails have completely changed my life!  I thought they were going to be telling me off for not getting on with it, but the support and lack of pressure and expectation has been such a relief.  I did about 10 mins of work today and stared at all my sources and am just baffled!  I need to go back to them and read through them again and get them into my head so I can write again. 

Generally I am much better, the anxiety is at levels i can cope with, I have seen friends and am keeping busy so I don't dwell on anything too much.  My kitten is now very friendly and purrs on my lap for hours which is lovely and heartwarming :) 

I now need to get exercising regularly and back into work.  Ideally I would like to finish before we go on holiday in september but know that for now there is no point dodging one deadline just to immediately impose another.

I shall have a look at the calender tomorrow and make a plan. 

x J