mitigating stress

I know!  Already!  I only just posted!

Procrastinating hard, I went downstairs to make myself a hot cup of coffee (I already had one cup ut it was lukewarm...  just won't do!) and all of a sudden was overcome by adrenaline/stress/anxiety!  Soooo I did some star jumps to try and get rid of the tension, which has worked well, and had a wee pep talk to myself.  I do always get stressy as I am finishing a big piece of work - just really really tense and shaky!  Is all very exciting and a Big Deal so I get a bit het up.  Anyway, I am a bit like that so I thought well, I should jsut aim to get this chapter finished asap in whatever form I can!  Don't spend hours editing and slaving over a sentence - that is what March and April are for!  This is my first draft, it is a coherent display of my ideas for my Sup to read and for me re-write a million times.  So not to sweat the editing today!  I am going to just blast through it and add in my theory quotes where I feel is best (no faffing and perfectionism!) and then read it quickly and see if it makes sense.  If it does then I shall leave it for today because that is enough I think.  Tues I can do the same again but more carefully and then send it off and start planning the discussion chapter!

I love the beginning of planning chapters.  Brainstorming and being creative.  Colourful pens and big pieces of paper...  It's trying to shape it into an academic essay that kills me ;0)

SO don't sweat it.

Am also very distracted because it is New Years Eve!  DB is cooking a fancy dinner for us all and we shall have cava and jager bombs (jagermeister and red bull cocktail!) and baileys.  Just us two in the kitchen, seeing as we have a Bean asleeping.  It will be nice and silly.  And I am overwhelmed by the fact that 2012 is my PhD finishing year!  So so so so so so excited!  In fact I just opened and wrote it on my new calender.  I get my doctorate this year!  And hopefully a new baby and start a whole new life!

WHOOOOOPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

x J

Ps.  Whoopppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Back to reality

So I had a lovely time off on Friday night, drank boozy and told DB all about how wonderfully happy with work I am...

Was all hungover and sleepy yesterday and DB was working so didn't work.  Now I have until 1pm to finishg this chapter proper and I am all worried again!  So silly,  know if I face it then I shall probably be happy.  I hate reading through my work, even when I know it was written roughly!

So I better get on with it.  Today I am going through it and editing, while adding in my theory bits and bobs.  Then I hhope to have draft one *done*.  I shan't post it off to Sup today though, I shall come to it on Tuesday with fresh eyes and read it, do any mroe editing, and then send it off.

I keep thinking I want to make it so all four of these chapters are well interlinked but then realise that I might change my mind and alter the order or change a chapter in which case changing one would mean changing all.  Probably best to leave that until after I have done all the writing and bring it all together then.  Or at least until I have finished the discussion ch.

Oooh the discussion chapter.  Just thinking about it makes my stomach flip!  Scary!

x J

SLLLAAAAAAM!

Woo!  9,000 words done!  Needs serious editing and tidying and tightening but the words are there!  the structure is there!  The arguments are there!

WOOOO!

I am working a bit tomorrow and saturday this shall be DONE! 

Am really excited and a bit gutted I have to finish now to look after Bean but then again it would be good to come back to it with fresh eyes.

Nearly there!  Then I would have done four proper chapters and written 37,000 proper words :0)  nearly halfway...

x J

Working reet hard!

Am working away!

I would say it is because I am a really good, motivated student, but really it is because this is the easy bit so am just freewheeling downhill really ;0)  I have got 7,700 words down and am yet to write probably about another.. hmmmm...  1,500?  I do need some serious editing though, I have got about two introductions!  And then I will need to tighten up my blabberings (am being rather slack with the old academic language) and add in some more theory and it should be ok for a first draft.  Good enough to send to the sup.  I should have the writing done bar the conclusion today I reckon, then will have tomorrow off so DB can work, and will work for about 5 hours on saturday editing and tightening.

Writing is so easy.  I wish it was all about the writing!  It is the reading and the planning and the sorting it all in my head bit that gets me down.  Just goes to show though, that there are good bits and bad bits.  I am currently in a good bit so should relax and enjoy - which I am!  with the help of some mini chedders and some lovely biscuits :0)

x J

Kicking PhD Arse

Ahhhh, it is like the old days chez J towers today!

I took bean to the childminders, came home and woooooooorked!  I knew yesterday I had cracked this chapter and have got it all laid out to just *write*.  So by 11am I was tip tapping away.  Then had a nice lunch with Mr J who is off work this week and came back to it and have woooooooooorked all afternoon.  Now have 6,500 words and a gazillion more to write, looks like this chapter will be about 9,000 words.  Much of it is babble and I really need to get some proper theory and stuff in there but the words are getting down, the flow is there, the knowledge is in place and I am kicking this chapter's arse :0)

My brain has stopped working now so I am going to leave it for today.  I have written about 2,000 words today!  Tomorrow I need to write this last section, then write the analysis of it and the conclusion.  THEN I need to go through and edit the wittering and change it to Proper Academicness, with quotes and info from my theory peeps.  Then I have finished!  I reckon I will do the writing tomorrow, the editing on Friday and send it off on Saturday and then get DRUNKKKKKKKK and be happy :0)  Then I shall have some days off with my family until I return on Tuesday for a new chapter.

Sounds alright dunnit?

I watched a silly tv programme last night and the guy on it was all motivational (army boy) and saying things like 'its the lows that make the highs' and 'anything worth having takes a lot of work to get' and i was thinking oooooh, you are so right.  Dunno about the lows making the highs bit yet, but I can imagine that we have to go through the shit to get the prize or it wouldn't be much of a prize would it. 

x J

Did it :0)

I have worked out what I am going to say, have written it out in my own words (not my complicated intro jargon) and put it in bold as a template to fill in tomorrow.

All of a sudden I know what I want to say, where the evidence is I need to substantiate my claims, and what my conclusion is and how it fits into the thesis as a whole.

And the thing is, it is just the same as weeks ago.

I am so thick.

NOW, time to go and drink tea, clean my house and cook dins for my wee family xmas :0)  Am going to be very good and sober to be tip-top for tomorrow.  This chapter will be written!

x J

jiggery pokery AGAIN

Christ alive.

I have just spent the last few hours bloody moving words around again.  I am trying to get a good, clear order that I recognise and can follow but then another quote comes and buggers it all up and so I end up moving quotes around and still not really writing anything new!  It is so annoying! 

I am going to finish today's jiggery pokery soon and go downstairs and unpack Bean's gazillions of presents and do some cleaning.  I want to work but have the distinct feeling I will never feel like today's work is done!  So best to go down and consolidate in my mind what I have (not) done today and what I will do tomorrow before bean comes home and chats my head off ;0)

I cannae wait for me roast dinner!  Won't be cooked till blinkin god knows when as the boys have only just gone out to buy it.  Oh well, I shall just have to come down a gear or two and let my head get into holiday slo-mo.

Bean is in with the childminder tomorrow and thursday so work continues as normal...  I do feel better for getting back to it, but not... because I am in the SAME SITUATION and have made no progress. 

Two steps forward, one step back...

 x J

Back! Thank goodness!

I am back to work this morning!  hurrah!

I have been a right christmas grump just waiting to get back to it really.  I left it at a good place on, er, whenever it was, and am keen to carry on with it.  My aim (the complete and utter-it-has-to-happenness actually) is to get this finished for Friday, then spend fri pm and sat am sorting out this, and the other chapters so they fit together... send them to sup... and then I would have nearly half of the PhD done proper-like.  Then I shall get drunk and celebrate NYE in a good mood, rather than one of doom ;0)

Hope you all had nice christmases.  Mine was nice but most strange.  We sat in silence a lot until DB made mother in law put the tele on so we could at least hear some xmas tunes, opened presents really, really slowly (making MIL frustrated bless her) and then had our vegetarian buffet lunch...  and then MIL said we didn't have crackers because no one ever wanted what was in the middle apart from her so they were pointless.  We pointed out the fact that they were tradition and meant to be silly, which overcomes functionality in this case but she then said they were generally rubbish.  So no crackers!  hehe!  I nearly cried a little bit, then nearly laughed but settled for staring into the middle distance while pushing more pakoras and thai vegetable bites into my gob.

TODAY I am HOME!  And I am working until about 1pmish, or until I feel I have got a  handle on me work as DB is also home and looking after little bubs.  Then I am making a roast dinner, with all the chrimbo trimmings!  devils on horseback!  YUM.  Sprouts with chestnuts and bacon!  YUM!  ANNNNNNNNNDDDDDD *crackers* :0) 

Anyway, back to the essay.

laters y'all and happy chrimbletide/other religious festivals ja

x J

Ah ha!

I think I have finally got this chapter sussed...

I seem to have a structure, an argument and the evidence to back it up.  Hurrah!  tentative joy, and tempered by the fact that I am working at night but still not really working.  It's chrimbo isn't it, my mind is on pressies, things I need to bake for peeps, trips to get stocking goodies tomorrow and packing. 

But really I know I can't be arsed, and the best way I can relax and appease my conscience is to secretly watch tv with my laptop open.  How silly.

I am going to totally go mental with stress when I start back proper in jan.  mental!  only two months to go though...  eek and phew.

I wonder if I should leave the chapter and sit in front of the tv with this book I have to read that would be good for this chapter.  I reckon writing wise I shall probably get as much done tonight as I would in half an hour of proper work.  And no, I refuse to shut myself up in my room to work, it is xmas for goodness sake ;0) 

Ok, I shall look at my chapter, see if there is any easy writing to do and if so, do it, if not, get out mah book and shut the laptop for the last time till tuesday...  hurrah and hurray!  And eek!

x J

Good work

Did some good work today.  got about 1000 words down, nonsense really and in the wrong order but words I knew would be used somewhere for something so all good.

My lovely lunch did the trick.  I have worked at the ktchen table today with the radio on, and had DB working on the next room - was like old times!  I worked much better with him around - I couldn't skive off like i normally might or he would notice!  I forgot how much his presence used to keep me in check! 

Am off to get my LO now!  Today has gone sooo fast.  I think I will work again later, this chapter is nowhere near finished and is boring me to death,  want it out of the way soon.  but then again, I am making myself work next week when normally I would have taken it off for xmas so might just work then.  No, I will work when I can until 9.30pm and chill.

laters!

x J

Sweet hangover...

I am having the best hangover ever!

Yes, I got drunk last night...  DB came home and just the mere mention of boozy time and I was agreeing and pouring the drinks.  So needed to relax and talk and get out of my headspace of evilness for a while!  Hardly had any sleep and today is amazing!  My hangover is like I have taken some valium so instead of being all hypertense and overthinky I am calm, serene and just plodding along.  Consequently, I am working really, really well! 

I also have lots of juice, a bacon sarnie and some hash browns.  Bizarre combo but am comfort food eating ;0)

I am going to write loooooads today, I can feel it in my water.  And then I shall write looooooads tonight.  We are off down south tomorrow night.  last bits of xmas shopping to do tomorrow and biscuits to decorate and suitcases to pack (only for three nights tho, no biggie). 

Valium, I tell thee!  (not that I have taken valium?  Well, I have actually, once - on a cockroach infested boat crossing from sumatra to java where the cabin was shared with gazillions of women and children and kiddie-karaoke on mtv and we needed to sleeeeeep.  But it was a dud.  SO i haven't taken it really.)

x J

Durrrrr

Arg I have spent the day bogged down in detail AGAIN.  Why can't I just get on with it?!  I seem to be unable to write unless it is right.  D'oh.

My sup has just send me a book pdf that is exactly on my topic.  I have to read it asap.  I am reluctant, I HATE reading stuff on my topic, it scares the life out of me.  I would much rather bury my head in the sand and just write my thesis now.  I would lol but I am not in the mood!

I have so much to do, so little time, and seemingly, so little ability.  Yes, I am blue about it all again.  god I HATE this PhD.

I am going to get my bubs then make biscuits with him (how, I am sooo mardy) and when DB comes home come back to work asap.  I just don't know what I am doing and I won't be able to sleep until I have sorted this out!  Ug but I need a holiday.  My brain is frying and my stress levels are uppity up up.  I am going to have my walk to get the bean and have a good talk to myself and try and put this whole thing into perspective.  I mean, it is jsut a piece of work, right?  it isn't worth losing your mind (or health) over is it?  Just do a little at a time, work on a sentence here and there and don't worry so much.

Really, it isn't a big deal and remember NO ONE EVEN KNOWS THIS WORK EXISTS.  IT WILL NEVER BE READ BY ANYONE BUT YOU AND YOUR EXAMINERS.  IT IS JUST A BIG OL' ESSAY. 

Don't sweat it.

Better now.  God I'm good.

x J

Lunchtime

Right.  So far I have totally revised my intro and chapter (!) to have the same content, but a different angle that is far more in keeping with what info I have from my research and also, doesn't tread on the toes of my discussion quite so much.

In fact, I am reet pleased with it.

I am off for a break for half an hour and then shall come back and carry on copying and pasting the relevant bits from my old version into my new version, in the new order.  That's as far as I am thinking for now so as not to get too bogged down ;0)

x J

Work Schmurk

Arg I am hating working today ;0)

Mainly because I just want it to write itself.  Because I am sooooo bored of this chapter and am confused by it.  I don't think I have enough empirical evidence to make this chapter work so I feel i am clutching at straws that are so obvious the viva will kick me into the stratosphere.  But what can i do?  I can't nip back to India and ask the questions again, and even if I could I would get the same answers.  Cagey/uncomprehending was the name of the game really.  Arf if only I had had longer than three weeks to do my interviews - if I could have got to know my interviewees like I wanted to then my responses would have been sooooo much better.  But I was preggers, what can you do?!  I shall work with what I have got it will be fine.  And I want to be all christmassy :0(

BUT, I have written 5,400 words and don't feel like I have really said anything yet so obviously once I *have*, and edited it, it should be tighter ja?  I think I am so keen to get it all written and concise and structured that I am getting bogged down.  I shall concentrate on just getting the outline done today, and tighten it up tomorrow ;0)  That is much less stressful than thinking 'I have to get this chapter done before christmas and that only leaves me today and tomorrow aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg!' 

Ok, perspective gained.  Calm.  No biggie.

I am also stressy because my stressiness is affecting my Bean - he is playing up and I know this is because my mind is elsewhere.  When I would normally be playing with him I am making my xmas pressies, and when I am playing with him I am clearly not very enthusiastic.  Playing 'don't fall!' with glee (where he dandles on my leg and wobbles about until he falls onto the settee...) when you are grumpy and worried about getting xmas together and finishing a PhD is really hard.  I am also stressy because I am yet to finish shopping for DB's xmas pressies, which I will have to do on Friday before wrapping and packing to go to the South - all with Bean in tow being bored, whiny and grumpy.  Arg I do not look forward to it!  Plus, I keep feeling nauseous which is a surefire sign that I am stressed (I always feel sick when stuff is getting on top of me but I am trying to ignore it to, you know, get on with life like we all do).  Bums to it.

Anyway!  On with something I can deal with now, and that is this chapter.  So, today I am writing a rough outline for it.  I have re-organised my intro better and just hope it works. 

I just cannot be arsed to concentrate! I wanna do christmas stuff!

x J

Pushed on through

Aw I am chuffed with myself today.

I didn't do as much work as I would have liked.  i did a lot of internet reading of shit.

However, I did also have a horrible realisation that my chapter was not going to work as beautifully as I had thought, having read through my interviews I realised that the info I *have* does not correlate with the grand statements my ch intro was making!  hmmmpf.  I did wonder what the hell I was going to do but then made myself go back to it time and time again (i kept veering off) and finally have started writing it again and feel like I am standing on firmer ground.  I was motivated by the thought of spending this evening with my bean and feeling all cross and worried about work and know that will spill over into our relationship.  Also hate the idea of coming back to it tomorrow still feeling clueless.  I still feel pretty clueless but I have 10 minutes to sort myself out and jot down some notes on what to do tomorrow so I am not worrying about it tonight.  If DB is around I will try and do 2 hours of work tonight but don't think he is so am not planning on it...  Am basically not worrying too much about how I say things (being pretty colloquial in places!) but just geting the ideas and quotes down, and the word count UP!  I will refine with more textured analysis and lovely namedropping of pertinent authors at a later date.  For now, I just need it to have some kind of shape to work with :0)

Am feeling really pleased with myself.  Normally I would have had a meltdown and stropped off somewhere.  But I don't have time to be a diva!

x J

Back to the grindstone

Aw, oone of my colleagues has sent his thesis off to be bound today!  He must be having the best lie in EVER!  Good for him :0)  Is inspiring but a bit depressing too - I feel so far away from that!

But I know that is because I haven't looked at my work since Wednesday.  Bean's birthday was on Thursday and was the Best Day, we took him to an aquarium and he nearly peed his pants (er, nappy?!) with excitement!  Brilliant. 

This week I am super keen to complete this chapter, in any form, rough first draft will do.  I have today, tomorrow and Thursday, then on friday night we are off to the South to spend xmas with the in laws.  DB is off for that week so I am keen to be able to spend it with him and Bean, maybe go away somewhere, and not be feeling wretched about work.  I could do with some time off after this chapter anyway so I can come back to it fresh, edit it and then send it to my Sup and start on my discussion chapter.

Still rather amused at my epiphany of 'don't get it right get it written' that made me get writer's block.  Hehe!  the thought of 'just write it' made me unable to write!  silly me.

I found another motto that I quite like, apparently from churchill that is 'if you are in hell, just keep going'.  Tis true - at some point you will come out of the other side.

Onwards and upwards!

x J

Madness

I haven't done any work again today!

I have gone MAD! 

Today I have faffed, avoided work like the plague, changed bedding, taken delivery of internet shopping and baked my wee boy a choccy cake for his beeday tomorrow.  I think I am feeling a bit holiday-ish to be honest.  My xmas pressies are arriving thick and fast, the weather is hideous and it is my boy's birthday tomorrow and I can't WAIT!  We are taking him to his first aquarium where I expect him to pee his pants with excitement at all the fish and water and colours, which invariably means it will be met with a 'meh' at best ;0)

I dunno.  Just being really, really naughty.

I will work sometime soon I promise.  Maybe friday night.  I have extended my deadline for this chapter to Christmas - which starts Friday week here as we are travelling down south to be with the in-laws.  My own darling family are still not talkng to me for my wedding choices!  Bad rabbit.  But I am working the week between xmas and new year and may end up also doing this chapter then too as I can't imagine starting a new one when all drunk and festive...

Anyway, even though I keep trying to frighten myself again I can't, I am ignoring myself.  Is so stupid as I know I am setting myself up for massive stress in the future but then again, at the mo I just can't help but be ok about it all!

I'll try and work tonight.  Although I shan't because I have presents to wrap, a cake to decorate, friends coming over for tea (literally tea, not dinner) and balloons to blow up.

Excited!

x J

Much better :0)

Noooo, not workwise!

I have done NO work today, but I haven't tried to yet so don't feel bad... 

DB and Bean got home at 2.30am, so I put little Bean to bed straight away but he needed settling so we were shattered at 7.30 this morning.  Rang the childminder to say we wouldn't be in till 11.30 and went back to sleep ;0)  Dropped him off and since then I have been online doing food and pressie shopping.  It's Bean's birthday on Thursday and I have to make him his cake tomorrow but have no time to go to the shops...  also realised that my homemade gifts need organising - I am making body scrubs, curry pastes and biccies for peeps this year as well as buying rubbish ;0)  BUT I can't just 'get' them, I need to ordr in the ingredients first!  I was planning to head into town (by town, I mean place full of bookies, Asda and cut-price shoe shops) on Friday to get the gubbins but that is leaving it pretty late, especially for the birthday cake and anyway, we have no food in and NO time to shopping.  SO thought I would kill a gazillion birds in one fell swoop and did a nice online shop that will arrive tomorrow morning.

My hand are so cold it is hard to type.  My house is freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing.   am going to make a cup of coffee and put the heating on (shhh don't tell anyone). 

Soooo I have an hour.  I shall make my cup of coffee and ponder my next move.  Bean will be up late tonight as he has been with the granparents for the past few nights who don't like to reinforce bedtime.  Playtime at 12am is waaaaaay more fun. (*tut*)  So I won't be able to work tonight, but will tomorrow night, after the Bean's cake is baked and decorations done and pressies wrapped :0)  And thursday I am off!  Shit!  I totally forgot!  oh lordy, this blows any chance of meeting the deadline out of the water.  Sheeeet. 

Oh well, at least I have practically got all my christmas pressies, one less stress!  And I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay happier now my family are home!

x J

Not very good!

Today was rubbish!  Complete rubbish!

I tried to work and got really confused, even though I was pretty sure there was nothing confusing about what I had to do - just write!  Sadly, just writing was rather more complicated than I thought!

I finally, finally - at half three - walked away from it after a whole day spent literally with one sentence under my belt.  I watched a politics programme (so I didn't feel like a total skiver!) and have got some perspective since.  I have also been feeling ill today bizarrely - am putting it down to too much sleep ;0) 

I have decided that I need to read through my interview transcripts and take out the bits relevent for this chapter.  I can do this with a highlighter and the tele, which I think will relax me and make me more productive than the horrid writer's block I have had upstairs.  I was thinking maybe I should go through the copies I have on the laptop instead of my hard copies, then I can just copy and paste the info?  This would be quicker but also mean I have to keep my laptop on and we have seriously fallen out ;0)  Nah, I shall do it that way, it will be more expedient.  Then, tomorrow when I come back to it I shall have all the citations I need and can write around them.  Jobsagoodun.  Better than nothing eh?  For some reason I have noticed that this weekend I have not been able to work very well until I am down to the wire (i.e it is getting on to evening time).  How funny.  I have also learnt:

That I do not work well any more with such long stretches of horrible hours in front of me and do anything I can to avoid it!
That I am really lonely without the hubbub of my family around - a noise I previously resented when trying to work!
That I work best in shorter bursts of 4 hours or so.
That I miss my down-time with my bubsicle.
That before I had said bubsicle I would work for about 4/5/6 hours a day but not the 12 hour stints I have since become wistful about.  Memory plays cruel tricks!  So even though with the baby I work about 5 hours a day, four times a week, this is actually not much less than before!  And I have been working evenings!  Before I would do my internet procrastinations while working, resulting in probably not much work but over many hours, whereas now I work better during my 4/5 hours and do my internet rubbish largely in my own time.

So there we are.  My family are home tonight and I cannot wait to see them.  Not until early hours of the morning, but tonight nonetheless.  And tomorrow bean is due to go to the childminder's as usual, meaning I have somehow set myself up with a ten days with no breaks!  Stupid me.  I can't work that much, and, as we have seen, don't work that much ;0)

I am behind on my really cramped schedule but not freaking out.  After my lovely Sup email yesterday I feel i must be on target otherwise he would have said to me I need to buck my ideas up.  He wouldn't let me fail!  He said work on a sentence a day and build it up to five.  I know he doesn't mean that literally (although I have seemingly taken him at his word today!)  but is saying little, little to bigger and bigger and not to sweat the small days.  So, I am going to look through my interviews and then start tomorrow with all the info to write around and build up to the analysis and hopefully start getting somewhere. 

I am off to go to the shops, I need some air I think to clear my guilt and generally lethargic sicky feeling.

x J

Four seasons in one day...

I got a reply from my Sup! 

He was lovely.  Reassured me that anxiety at this stage is perfectly normal but not to let it control you.  To know that it is only three months, then I will never, ever have to do this again.  That being a PhD scholar is a great thing to be proud of.  That when I have finished next year I can take bean to the zoo all the time (too true, all those lovely long days of freedom!  One big giant holiday of amazingness!)  He said that I should watch an hour of tv every night before going to sleep - or even better go for a run (I know, I know, I should run.  I don't want to run).  And to talk to myself about it all day, write a sentence and build it up to five sentences and not get bogged down by the wider implications of getting it done.  And not to get stressed about it and enjoy chrimbo.

He is so wise.  And even though I *know* all of this, and tell myself these things all the time, it is nice to hear it from someone wiser than yourself isn't it.  I love having a supervisor.  And also, he *didn't* say, which is very important, 'OH NO, OMG YOU WILL NEVER FINISH IN TIME!  EEEEEEK IT IS ALL LOST!  ALL LOST!  QUIT!  YOU HAVE FAILED!  AND LET EVERYONE DOWN!  WASTED THE FUNDING AND ALL MY TIME!  GO AWAY LOSER!'

So.  I feel most happy and encouraged.  AND, i told him my total and final blueprint for my thesis and he pointed me toward an academic who says something wonderfully along the same lines, who will contribute to my thesis, but also shows that I am barking up the right tree.  Phew wee.  I feel so tired!  Like I have been through the wringer today.  And, bizarrely, i feel like celebrating.  Celebrating being normal, and feeling back in control again.  I wish I didn't have these crises of confidence.  They waste so much time and energy, and every time is like the first time so I don't learn and just work through it :0(  I can't dwell on what a loser I have been wasting this precious, most amazing opportunity though, that would be utterly pointless, particularly since I am almost in a good, positive mood.  No, instead I shall draw a line under this particular episode and today entirely.  I shall make a cup of coffee and read the paper and take some time for myself (I feel like I am always doing this hehe) and then tomorrow...  well, tomorrow is gonna be the best goshdarn schizzle of a working day EVA.  I will awake refreshed and positive (I did not wake up feeling this way this morning.  more bad dreams of doom) and work reasonably hard (really hard, actually, but don't want to frighten myself again) and really make inroads into this chapter.

In fact, I think I will just make a coffee and a crumpet and go to the chapter now and make it so when I come back tomorrow I am confident about where I am.  Do a bit of structuring and signposting.  Yep.  And I will do this downstairs as this room at nightime is well depressing.

Still not crying.  Almost smiling.  Might even whistle.  Nope, no whistling yet.  It's annoying anyway and what would I whistle?

x J

New Motto

to be scrawled all over my walls...

'DON'T GET IT RIGHT, GET IT WRITTEN'

I have been scouring findaphd.com, a site I used to use a lot but only go on about twice a year if that, and found a thread about someone who had to complete in 3 months.  People said it would be possible and that all reading had to be ruthless and practical, that this was not the time to go on tangents or make new brainwaves, that if you are having a bad brain day, then sit and do refs and formatting instead of writing, and don't worry about getting it right, just get it written!  I am so going to follow that.  I am a total twat because I remember now that I wrote on here a couple of days ago that I really have to avoid being all perfectionist at this stage and just get on, and what have I spent today and last night doing?  Being unable to work due to being all perfectionist.  What happens is I tinker with a paragraph for ages, then it is 'just right' and I get the feeling of it being just right and forget that i then have to go back into just-get-it-down-mode.  And I can't write for worrying it isn't good enough. 

Just write!

I am going to 'just write' now, until 5pm.  Then I shall have to have a bath because my breastfed baby is away for three days and i am in a certain (small, but inisistent) amount of pain.  I also fell over yesterday and am very sore!  What a fool!

Feeling more on top of it now.  Really, much better.  Am seriously going to scrawl my new motto onto a piece of paper and put it right in front of me, on the wall.  And maybe in the bathroom to remind myself every time I go to the loo (to hide).  Am still really glad that I have confessed my situation to my Sup though.  I feel I need to share my burden and that's what they are there for, no?

x J
(still not crying)

Sink or swim?!

Arf.  I just took the plunge and emailed my Sup to say that I think I am f*cked.

He sent me a lovely email wishing me a happy Xmas, no mention of the fact I am meant to be sending him my first draft any day now...  So I emailed back saying thanks and decided it was probably about time I admitted where I am (not) with my work.  I haven't come clean for hmmm...  about a year?!  It's not like I have been lying, more that I have been bigging up what I am doing and not mentioning what I am not doing/have not done.  I said about how I wasn't sleeping for worry but that I am sure this is normal at this stage, but was so concerned with disappointing people if I shoould happen to not manage it on time.  i said about how this past month Bean and I had had norovirus and about my childminder cancelling on me and that although I am working evenings and weekends this is in no way full-time.  I really hope that he emails back saying either yes, two weeks per chapter is fine, you can do it keep going or No, you shan't finish on time, here have an extension/go and see so-and-so, it doesn't matter, just get it done bla bla.  I said that I hadn't wanted to mention anything and had been putting my worries down to being a bad patch but that I thought I should bring it to his attention before it was too late.  It is most definitely getting to a stage where every day i don't produce stirling work is a nightmare, I just have to work really, really, well - but then, like this weekend, I heap so much pressure and expectation on myself I can barely think!  My mind is like butterflies.  And I cry alot ;0)  Does everyone cry a lot at this stage?  I expect to cry a bit, but a lot...  I am feeling that every new bad patch is worse than the one before.  I can't give up, I know this, I think I just need some breathing space.  But I have NO TIME for breathing space.  No time.

I am panicking.  It is because I absolutely have to have this chapter done for tomorrow night but I know this isn't possible.  but I have to.  I have no room in my schedule for missing deadlines, and perversly knowing this makes me unable to concentrate.  I am too busy trying to desperately look for a way out.  I need calm I suppose.  The irritating thing is, and I am glad I have had this time to know this, but I am sure I would work better if bean and Db were here!  How funny and silly.  If they were here I would be cursing their presence I know, but NOW I know that the whole day stretching out with only work to do is actually daunting, and unhelpful at this stage of work.  I need to be able to be distracted, just for five or ten minutes, then to come back to work.  I work best in 4/5 hour hard bursts than 12 hours of unending 'concentration'.  But I didn't know this before!  And they have gone away so I can work and all I can do is stare at it, feel confused and then panicky and then cry and feel like I am letting all these kind people down. 

I wish I could leave :0(  I am a quitter, I know this.  I love quitting stuff that makes me feel bad!  But I know I can't quit this and find that really, really annoying. 

I know I have to stop whining and get on.  And the thing is, I don't whine much in real life - that is what this blig is for though i suppose, it is my headspace.  I am sad for any of you people who have to read my stream of shitty consciousness though ;0)

right,  back to work.  back to not knowing what the heck I am saying, or why, or who even cares, and anyway it isn't going to be finished on time and I will be kicked out so why bother?  and cue more crying ;0)

x J
(am not crying actually.  am fine)

it's ok!

I am so silly and impetuous.  Impetuous should be my middle name.  And I shouldn't talk so much ;0)

But I do feel a bit better already about my boys being gone.  And about working.  I feel really, really lonely BUT is ok.  I am going to have a small glass of wine and look at my chapter while also perusing facebook and other such sillyness so I feel I have company and am not chained to work.  If I feel i am chained I will run away, but if I am flexible about it and just have the chapter open I am much more likely to keep looking at it and do some editing.  And I have to remember that I have waited alllll day doing nothing much for DB to leave - if he had left earlier, around lunchtime say, i woould have got into work so much quicker.  But it is saturday night and *starting* work is always going to be difficult now!  And i am naturally low because my baby boy has been spirited away to the other side of the country for two WHOLE days and nights so am not naturally inclined to feel warm and confident about work.  It's all about context and perspective yes?

It's ok really.  And anyway, when I start having palpitations about work and bad dreams it really is time to sit down and have chats to myself.  And maybe more wine!  Although drinking wine at the same time as chats with myself may mean I am crazy.  Eek.

x J

I just don't know...

what to doooo, with myself...

My boys have left me!  They are en route to Down South for the weekend, back on Monday night.  My house feels gloomier, colder, stiller...  I have never been at home in the evening alone since bean was born!  I have never gone to bed alone!  I have never gone to bed alone and sober for sure and not ever at home.  It will be most strange.  I wonder if I will be able to sleep...

But of course, I do know what to do with myself...  I have to work!

I am so sad at the moment because I miss my darling boy.  I don't know what my plan of action should be.  Chill time is scheduled for 8pm when the X Factor final is on.  I was planning to write up my references in front of it.  But now I am not so sure and wonder if I mightn't just zombie out in front of it and enjoy a moment of quiet instead of stewing in it.  Workwise I am completely aware that I have to work now for a couple of hours.  However, I am also aware that I am shattered today (terrible nights sleep as I was dreading today, bean was up lots and had bad dreams), feeling reet sorry for myself and really down in the dumps.  I don't know whether, in the longer term, it might be an idea to just sit out this couple of hours and draw a line under today and come to it tomorrow fresh and strong and madferit.  I have the whole of tomorrow and all of Monday.  I plan to work from 9.30/10am until 6.30 with a break for a swim with mah mate (and to see a person!)  I need stamina!  I was going mental after just four hours of work yesterday!  I have been scared of work all day today, like an audition or interview or something!  I was scared of it all night!  how silly to be so scared of soemthing I have set up myself.  I work for myself for goodness sake!  At my own pace, in my own environment!  I should take a chill pill and not be so frightened of it.  I am completely terrified of not completing this chapter by Monday night.  But it will be ok.  I will get it done.

I also have to admit, and this is ridiculous, but I feel really blue since I read on facebook that my mate (my MATE) has just completed chapter six of nine...  and I am working on chapter four!  Of nine!  And we are handing in at the same time!  Well, actually, I think she is handing in a month earlier than me but she doesn't have to hand in then, she can get an extension as she wasn't funded.  So I guess in a month's time I will be finishing chapter six of nine.  No, actually, chapter 7.  So, I guess, it is ok.  I think I am saddened because before I had Bean I was always far out in front writing-wise and it just shows how far I have slipped.  But I am also saddened by my reaction because it is clearly jealousy (or, more kindly, envy?) that I am not as far ahead as she is.  I am delighted for her but also miffed with myself that I haven't done more I suppose.  And here I am wanting the night off!  What a contradictory fool!  I think it just knocked me and has made me realise that my peers are so far in front (another is nearly completing) and I am scared I might not catch up!  But I suppose the point is not catching up with them, just meeting my own deadlines.  Why do i have to be so competitive?!  jeez louise.

Anyway, I am off to read my chapter and try and do a bit of work if I can.  (I can't, I am all of a dither).  But I will try at least.  And tomorrow is a new day.  I shall arise, I shall work, work, work all refreshed from having today off and hopefully appreciative of the silence rather than drowing in it.  For want of a bit more of a dramatic turn of phrase ;0)

x J

Heart in Mouth Syndrome

Is it a syndrome?  Am not sure.  BUT anyway, I am finding that at the moment I really am working with my heart in my mouth.

For example. I have a citation in one chapter that, although it is ace where it is, would also be fabulous in another chapter.  I then have to take it from one to the other and make sure I remember to go back and fill the gap I have left.  I then have to be sure that the whole paragraph I am blabbing on about hasn't been said somewhere else.  What if it has?  In fact, maybe it shouldn't be in this chapter at all - or the other, but in my literature review!  And if so, I should write a note about that somewhere so I know, when I come to my lit review, to write about it.  And then I think, but do I know enough about it for it to be in the lit review?  Will I have to do lots more research on it to make it proper, rather than just something I know about, or something I used to know a lot about but it has actually been 4 years since I studied it so obviously I have forgotton...  but I must have the notes somewhere.  Somewhere.  I think I know where.  but it will take me aaaaages to dig them out!  And that is such a waste of time right now.  So I should just leave a note.  And know, in my heart, that i shall have a tonne of work to do in a months time reading up about it.  But I don't have time! 

Oh god, oh god.  I even forgot which chapter I was writing about earlier, and was writing for a different one!  And then I noticed I had drunk all my coffee but cannot remember doing that for the life of me!

Oh god! 

I am losing it.  And I haven't even got to the hard bit yet!  How on EARTH am I going to be able to edit all these chapters and remember what I read and where in order to delete/add bla bla?  I just can't remember!

PANIIIIIC!

Please say this *is* the hard bit...

But at least I have worked lots.  And it really is coming together and sounding good (I think.  Probably not but I can't think about that.)  Honestly, I get all adrenaliney trying to remember everything and type it in quick enough before I forget my other points bla bla. 

I think it is getting time to stop ;0)  but I am definitely getting to the point where I wish I didn't have to sleep or make myself lunch or anything.  I am so happy I *have* to stop to get my Bean and *have* to switch off to make his tea and play with him.  And I do switch off - my brain is such that it is hard to look after him and meet his needs *and* fret about this rather high-level mental juggling ;0) 

Is going to take all my willpower not to drink wine and blurb on at DB tonight.  but I must be with it tomorrow.

And anyway, I am exhausted!  And I feel a bit sick.

x J

Tinker, tinker

This morning has been great! 

I have managed to work out that my original chapter order was fine, and that it is probably not a good idea to meddle with it too much at this stage... BUT that one of my chapters needed to be re-jigged a bit so it fit into the thesis more neatly.  I originally wrote the chapter for a conference paper and you can tell - it sort of sits on its own rather too well!

Which meant I got to take 500 words out of it and put it in the chapter I am currently writing, which is totally cheating but makes me feel very productive!  I have also re-organised the two intros and now need to make sure the main text is true to they and not wandering off like before.  Is more tinkering than anything, but it all brings it together and makes me feel that it is working.  Am only a stone's throw away from not knowing what to do next though and that makes me feel constantly queasy.  Literally.  The stress and pressure is unbelievable.  I am smoking again, funnily enough.  Anything to get me through to be honest.

Last night I wrote up some references in front of the tele (finally, at half eight, the child was asleep) and went to bed at 11, totally exhausted but, as usual, unable to sleep.  I did sleep though and feel better today than I have for a while!  About a week actually. 

AND DB told me yesterday that he is off down south with bean tomorrow for the weekend!  They won't be back until monday night!  So I shall have tomorrow afternoon (i hope but knowing DB's organisational and time-keeping skills probably not) and all of Sunday and all of Monday to work ALLLLLLLL TOOOOOOO MYYYYYSEEEEELF!  Hurrah!  I shall work like a demon.  I am going to type up my references in front of the X Factor final with a bottle of red for company and no child to put to bed!  i shall go to sleep and sleep alllllll night with no child to need reassuring!  I shall wake when I want to with no child saying 'it's 7am mummy, let's get up!'  And I shall work like i used to pre-baby, alllllll dayyyyyy long :0).  I can't wait.  though I shall miss my family, I know it, and the house will be too quiet, but I shall fill it with the sound of mumbling and typing. 

So with this in mind, by Tuesday I shall have this chapter written, most refs typed up (in the eveningtimes) and all four chapters (35,000 words out of total 80,000) sent to my Sup for xmas.  I shall also have made serious inroads into my discussion chapter...  I am VERY scared of my discussion chapter.  It is such an important chapter - can I write it without doing more reading?  What if there is a key text I haven't read (I know there is but I would have to go all the way to uni to get it and is £50 on amazon and I don't have TIME) is it worth trying to blag it and write it anyway, or should I prepare more?  Or is that procrastinating as surely writing *something* is better than nothing because I am planning and preparing *again*...  And I don't have time to plan and read all cosy any more.  And I do have it pretty much planned out and I even think I might have a couple of thousand words of it written already...

See, am hanging on by a thread. 

Anyway, I am hungry and off to make lunch, and a cup of tea, then I shall come back and work on my current chapter, with a view to getting it finished asap.

ASAP is my motto at the mo really.  I have to remember that I have from March to June to tinker and perfect.  For now I just need to get my ideas down so my sup can see them and tell me they are shite.

x J

Quite ok

Today has whizzed by!  And I can still work tomorrow yay!

I printed off me chapters and have read through them and am puzzling over the order I should have them in.  Until I know this I shan't be able to write the rest of my current chapter as I need to know what I can talk about without treading on my (own) toes or being repetitive...  I have tried writing but to no avail.

I feel bizarrely in control.  In fact, I felt so warm and fuzzy in my brain I had a bath!  A bath!  I remember pre-Bean I used to have baths as an alternative place in which to have thinky time but no time these days ;0)  i have been 'on' since sunday, either looking after bean or working and so I think I just needed a bit of chill time.  I never do anything for 'me' these days as if i have time for that it is used working!  Anyway, I feel nice and not as wired and edgy as I have done so that's good.  If I get Bean in bed before 9pm tonight (! I know but his wind-down time is taking forever at the mo) I shall do some work tonight - thinky stuff if my brain has come back, references if not.  I think that the chapter order thing will just come to me when my subconscious has finished dealing with it.  It doesn't feel like something i can badger myself into working out, it will just happen.  I shall try and mull it over when I walk to get my bean.

I am pleased I sat and read all the chapters though and am very,very pleased that they seem to be just fine.  I worked out that they were around 27,000 words worth of work: well over a Master's dissertation, just for three chapters!  I can't wait to have number four done (realistically should get it done on saturday) and then print it out and add it to my pile of PhDness!  It is brilliant seeing the work there.  It puts it all into perspective and makes it easy to refer to.  It is all so abstract just being on the computer but as a pile of chapters it is brill.  All i have to do is keep writing chapters, add them to the pile, write an abstract, print my refs off endnote and then shove in some appendices and the first draft is done!  Woooooo yeah!

I wish I could bottle this simple optimism.

x J

Quite exciting...

I sorted through all my chapters last night and did a bit of proper filing, backing everything up and making sure I knew which where my proper chapters and which were drafts etc.

All done so I feel a lot better knowing where my work is!  I have realised that I have a *lot* of references that need putting into endnote...  great fun.  BUT I have printed off the chapters that I have 'finished' (for now) and they are in a neat little pile and starting to look a bit like a PhD!  I realised I needed to read through the chapters that lead up to the one I am writing now - I have done three already and if this is to be the last before the discussion then obviously I don't want to be repeating myself with points I made in the others, but need to make sure there is a a thread of a thesis throughout them.  So I have had to print them out and put them in order so I can see them all and read them as if it was one piece of work.  This is exciting!  Such a change from seeing each chapter as an individual piece of work!  It also made me realise that I need to separate my empirical chapters.  I thought I would have them as pt 1 and pt 2, next to each other, but actually think I shall pop a different chapter between the two (which is also an empirical chapter as I have four really, but the other two are discourse analysis rather than from my fieldwork).  I shall have to read through them and see if this will work.  Is a good job I have done this because some of my analysis from this chapter has already been written in an earlier one, and vice versa.

So my task for today is to read these chapters and then carry on writing my latest one in full knowledge of what I have already said. 

I still hope to have this latest chapter written by Saturday.  Then I will need to tighten these chapters so they link together properly and then get on with writing my discussion.

Don't think DB is going to be visiting his Mum with Bean this weekend :0(  I was soooooo looking forward to having three solid days to write.  Guess it will be a muddled weekend of trying to work where I can and feeling guilty for ignoring the family/ hard done by when DB wants some time to work/go to the gym and being all bickery because we are both so tired and stressed.  hurray.

Am completely drained today.  Will power on through though!  I had dreams last night of trying to urge my knackered car up a massively steep hill, knowing if it stopped we would just fall backwards (I don't have a car btw!), then got lost in a maze of a kitchen (?!) and would have got in big trouble if I was found so was all stressed trying to get out.  Funny that!

x J

Its okay. I think.

Well, part of another day done!

Part, because I intend to come back later when DB is home and work until 9pm when I shall slink off and watch some tv and try, try, try to sleep before 12.  I cannot sleep at the mo, it is not good.

I have managed to finally plan this chapter (I take heart from the fact that planning is so tricky as I have lots I want to say and can't rabbit on about it too much in the intro!) and have started re-reading old chapters that I want to sort of feed into it - so they all start to link to each other instead of being stand alone pieces of work.  I have started writing the main part too so it isn't too daunting to come back to.

I am worried about my old chapters as they seem good, but not quite right and will need re-working.  I don't like this.  I am also worried that I am finding old drafts of chapters for the conference, or for monitoring meetings/appraisals etc instead of the proper one - and then I wonder did I write a proper one or think that would do?!  Eek!  I suppose I need to put them all together in one place a bit neater.  Or maybe I am just being silly and looking in the wrong place as I am sure I would have noticed before.

I am really scared about going outside.  The weather is as menacing as if I lived on a rocky outpost of the bebrides and it has started hailing again.  There is *no* sun even though it is too early for it to have gone down and it looks, well, apocalyptic out there!  I wouldn't mind so much if it was just me but having to put my poor bean into his pushchair and wheel him through it is daunting.  I hope he lets me put on his rain cover (he won't).

So, am back later - weather beaten or no.  Not a bad day's work really and, at least, we are sort of friends again.

x J 

chug chug chug

After a slow start I am working.  I am back at it.  come ON!

Had a text from my PhD friend and we are in the same boat.  We concluded it was a very stressed out non-sleeping boat.  And then decided that we must be doing okay cause we are worried - if we weren't worried then that's when we should worry! 

hehe.

This work is making me actually feel sick.  It's just awful!  is okay tho, you know, keep on, keep on.

x J

Deep breath and dive

Righty then.  I am back after a massively long haitus!  I stopped work on Thursday and haven't looked at it since :0(

I couldn't work over the weekend because I was being hugely drunk with my lovely ladies in London and couldn't work Monday night because I was still hungover, and couldn't work yesterday because my childminder had to cancel.  Although she has said she will look after bean on Friday instead for me so I shall work fri which is just dandy.

I have to finish the second empirical chapter this week.  Problems are that I am so very tired that I am dizzy (wtf?!) although really I don't know why I am so tired and so am ignoring it; and that I haven't done any work for so long I am, again, terrified of it, horribly overwhelmed and daunted.

Today I plan to have sorted the intro to this chapter and to be writing away.  That is that really!  Just get it done.  Don't think too much about it.  Better to hand in something that is a bit shit than not have written at all because I am trying to be perfect about it all. 

I just cannot wait until this is all over :0)  I was thinking about trying to wag an extension somehow, just a couple of months. And then I thought how gutting it would be to still be doing this in june and july when I should be sat around being all pregnant and chuffed with myself and excited about my new life where my brain is all mushy and full of fiction novels...  FICTION!  About how I will hate every word I have to write when I should be sunning myself on my celebration holiday!  I have June in my head so firmly as my deadline that, really, that is that... is THAT.  I would be extending it only so I could have an easier time of it now, but still in Jan I will be stressy and in Feb I shall be back where I am now.  The only reason I am working so hard now is because I am under so much pressure - take the pressure off and the work will slow down. 

There is a phrase isn't there that goes something like 'A PhD takes as long as the time you have to do it.'  I have five and a half months.  End of.

Wish me luck!

x J

better late than never

Just got back on the horse for half an hour...

managed to write the first para of my intro which includes all the major arguments and threads of the chapter so I can come back to it later and have some idea of what I am doing!

generally the day disappeared in some kind of weird caffiene-induced haze but I had a lovely time regardless ;0)

Glad am going to go out and get some fresh air!

x J

jinxed mesel'

Oh dear!  I have done nothing today but float about on the internet!  My brain has frozen up!

What has happened?!  I am motivated...  I open my page to start editing and for some reason get nowhere and before I know it I have wandered off.  I am procrastinating.  My mind won't settle and concentrate.  Oh dear!

I know what is wrong really.  I am a bit high from that cup of coffee I made - it sent me through the roof!  I was all jiggly and excitable and realised it was most definitely from coffee.  So I thought I would wait it out, only I am still excitable!  I have bought some presents for my Son's 2nd Birthday (in two weeks can't WAIT) and looked up how to make cheese straws (why?!).  I have facebooked and mumsnetted (I don't post, just read) and eaten a few pringles (to sober up).  I am just in too good a mood to work.  I have tried putting the Fear into myself (I have no time, no time!) but instead I am just, well, content.  This is no good!  I know i am too excitable because, despite having a rumbly tummy, I don't want to eat lunch.  Lunch is for losers!  Yup, am a bit manic (and feel a bit sick from the coffee).

I am going to go away for, erm, 15 mins and just sit somewhere else and try and calm down.  Then I am going to come up and try and sort out this chapter before I have to go and get Bean.  Somehow it has got to 2pm.  I am so naughty.  But I don't care!  I don't care at all!  Oh dear.  I am being like Bean when he is all mischievous and wants to be naughty and doesn't care if he gets told off.  In fact, he does naughty things while looking at me square-on, giggling away, waiting for a stern voice from me.  This is what I am doing to myself. 

I dunno.  I will work later instead, when the coffee has worn off and the novelty of it being Chrimbo soon and am weary and run-down and have nothing else to do ;0)  I really need to settle down and think about this chapter but instead I am just hiding and giggling.

BYE!

x J

A Tribulation!

Oh happy day!  Oh happy couple of days!  And happy xmas season!  Love chrimbo me, especially with a two year old ;0)

I have been working really, really hard.  My eyes are itchy with tiredness, but happy tiredness.  I am ploughing on in the knowledge that it is only for three months, then I can sleep for two weeks ;0)  I am definitely booking a weekend away with my DB (sans child?!) when I have handed in my first draft.  Definitely.  A posh weekend.  Jacuzzi, bathrobe and tele weekend.

I worked Tuesday night in front of the tv, so didn't get much done.  Worked really hard yesterday while bean was at the childminders and got back to it at 6.30 until frozen planet was on at 9pm (love it).  Have started writing my new chapter but still need to do a bit more reading and then it should be tip-top.  Reading all my old theory notes has really upped my standard and am talking like a PhD student again :0)  I ALSO *drum roll pleeeeeeeassssseeeee* worked out my actual, complete, and total thesis yesterday.  I knew most if it but then, in a flash, the final piece of the jigsaw slotted into place and now I have an A4 piece of paper with lots of writing on and arrows that link each idea to another and, the piece-de-resistance, the idea that links the arguments back to the original concern, showing a nice neat cycle of nasty evil oppression that, thanks to my expert scholarly-ness (?!), can now be broken.  Or neatly debunked and dispatched ;0)  Anyways, it is MY work, my ideas, all miiiiine and not too shabby so there we go.  Now what I am doing is making sure each point is addressed by each chapter, which in the main they are hurray.  I can't believe that I have the actual blueprint of my thesis now :0))))))  It is the best, most amazing feeling ever.  I have my PhD there, in front of me, all I have to do is write it out.  I don't need any new thinking, or any complications, I have done all the hard thinky-work.  I would say that I have broken the back of it really.  And I know now that I *have* to finish it or I shall turn into a drunk and in 20 years time will still be pulling out this tatty piece of A4 and trying to tell people that I nearly got a PhD and this was my idea and I will stink and be depressed and have no excuse for why I never finished it. 

I am working sooooooo very hard :0)  I will work all today, get Bean, have tea with him and put him to bed for 8 and then shall work until Rev is on tele at nine (nice, gentle, clever humour - it pleases me) and stop for five minutes and a mince pie, then work again from 9.30 to 11pm.  Then I shall sleep :0) 

I am off to London this weekend to meet my best mate's new baby girl so shan't geet a chance to work again till Monday night.  I will be refreshed though...

Today I am making sure that this chapter has a nice intro and that my practical, empirical stuff dovetails nicely with my fancy schmancy theory.  Then I will be able to come back to it on Monday night and hit the ground running.  I won't want to be doing any thinky stuff then really and I don't want to dread facing it either. 

I am tired today so I have schnaffles to keep me company!  I have mincey pies (yayayaya!) and pringles - proper chrimbo party food.  I shall allow myself unlimited snaxies as long as I am working away although obviously I hope to work more than eat :0)  i also have a lovely cup of fresh filter coffee to get my nerves jangling.

  Better go, am late this morning! My festive cheer is making me lazy!

x J

Ps still yet to go on my morning run.  Oh well, can't be brilliant at everything eh?!

Working my butt off

Finally!  The time is NOW!  The iron is hot! 

I had my nice plans yesterday about handing in my first draft 6 weeks before my submission date.  Then I realised that in that 6 weeks I will have to do re-writes, have it proof read AND have my sup read it and mark it a few times and then have it bound and bla bla and 6 weeks will in no WAY cut it.  Oh I wish I had a sup to tell me these things.  So I have decided to work my ASS off until the 28 Feb when I shall have my first draft ready three months ahead of my submission date.  This will give me plenty of time to let my Sup read it, so I can re-write and correct madly for a month, have a professional proof-read it and send it back to me, and then get it back to Sup, then bound and hand it in.  I think it would be best if those last three months were done as calmly as possible, rather than in a mega stressful last-minute mad dash.  So probably best I have the mad dash now while there is still time to sort out any major f*ck-ups and time delays ;0)  I worked last night until about 11pm when I passed out and have worked in concentrated silence today.  I finished the segment I was reading early so thought I would treat myself to a wee skive rather than start something new for all of ten minutes. 

So, I have 6 chapters to write in three months.  Don't scoff, I know someone with two children who wrote her whole thesis in three months ;0)  And I did my entire MA dissertation in two months, research and all and got a lovely mark for it.  I think at this stage just whizzing through it so all the info is in your head and spilling out onto paper is the best approach.  I might go slightly mad but better now than when it is all too late.  And I shall have two weeks 'off' at the beginning of march while my Sup is reading his vast, badly written copy of my first ever completed draft of my thesis.  The thought of its giantness, its completeness, that last full stop, makes me giddy with excitement.  I think I am happier with a horrible deadline like this.  A) I work best under pressure and with a nasty deadline that I *have* to meet.  And B) I HATE my work so much and cannot wait to be rid - so best get on with it!  Living with it is becoming intolerable, I want it out, out out!

My study looks like I have gone and and just chucked paper everywhere.  Everywhere.  I blew up our blow up bed yesterday and made it up so I can sit in bed and do all my reading and writing late into the night.  I hate working sitting on the floor and my desks are covered in notes that I can't move for if I disturb them I shall lose them!  yes, I am definitely on the homeward straight.

Anyway, I better put some lights on.  Outside is wet and gloomy and I have to go and get the bubsicle.  poor me.  And after he is fed and bedded, I shall read some more :0)

x J

life laundary

This morning I woke up and felt really stressed!  I am looking after bean today and *hate* being stressy on those, most precious of days...

So I have sorted out lots of issues and am feeling back in control again. 

I still have so much work to do and this is scaring me.  I cannot do anything about that when I cannot physically work.  But I have decided to work monday evenings and wednesday evenings, and try at those times to leave any Bean stuff to DB.  When he gets back from work, we have a coffee and a chat and then I am upstairs until I feel I want to stop - but doubt that would be before 9pm.  That should give me at *least* 2.5 hours to work, more like 3.  Tonight I will prbably work until 10ish.  As I get more stressed I shall also work friday evenings.  I can't work tues or thurs evenings because that is when DB plays footie, so phew for that ;0) 

Weekends  I would like to work 9-2, a straight five hours on a saturday.  Then maybe I'll go back up at 6pm for the evening.  And on Sunday...  well, it's a bit when and if I can at the mo, until the pressure ratchets up I am sure I shall work sundays more too - just at the mo it feels like shift work looking after Bean - he seems to rarely be with both of us at the same time and sunday should be a family day for the mo.  And DB needs to exercise and have some time to work too. 

Exercise-wise I have decided to run home from dropping bean off with the childminder.  If I take a slightly circuitous route then I can get a decent half hour run in, get back, shower and be at my desk for 10.45 at the latest.  This would be brilliant as a) I have no other time to exercise seeing as every spare minute is either with bean or working now; b) now is the best time to be running with all this stress - I need to release the toxins and pressure - it worked a treat during my Masters; and c, working after running is great as running helps you concentrate apparently.  So even though i lose 15 mins or so a day I would gain this in not faffing so much from being sloth-like and tired, or stressy.  AND then I can eat choc while working to stay motivated but have worked it off beforehand!  Hurrah!

This week is a big week and I plan to work very hard so come Friday I feel back in control again.  I shall still have monumental amounts of work to do but I hope that I will feel that I am someway to making progress.  This week I am reading my theory notes.  I shall take what I need, capitalise on buzzwords and major strands of thought and incorporate them into my own analyses to make me sound well clever and considered ;0)  I need to re-aquaint myself with these thinkers before I can write my next chapter, then can re-write my last chapter (should only take a day to add in the odd quote and buff up the existing analyses) and both will be done to a nice, polished standard.  Then, come Bean's beeday on the 15 Dec, I hope to send them both off to my sup and start on my discussion chapter.

Am feeling so much better.  Still swamped, but my head is above water and I am going to do everything I can to stay that way until the end.

x J

Hungry

Arf, I stopped crying after a while and have got on with some work.

I had a look at my calender for writing-up and had to do some serious revisions to it, which has left me with only 6 weeks to do any re-writes, instead of the desired three months.  I definitely need a month.  Oh crikey it really is getting down to the wire.

Then I spent a couple of hours adding to my previous chapter!  I came across a point from my fieldwork, that was exclusive to my fieldwork and just had to add it in.  It is the only bit in my whole empirical stuff that draws from personal experience, from what I saw when I was travelling about etc so I needed to put it in and it sounds pretty good, like I actually did something other than turn up, interview a few peeps then spend five months on holiday ;0)  However, it has also added 1000 words onto that chapter!  Eek!  And it sounds a bit conversational (how can it not when you are saying about how you travelled here and there and saw this and that and chatted to a a vendor here and a taxi driver there?!) and it needs some proper analysis on it.  At the mo it is a bit 'i think that' which isn't really very analytical.  Will have to read that stuff first tho!

So I am off for lunch now and hope to come back for an hour.  Then I am looking after Bean while DB goes to the gym and shall read the paper and be silly.  Then I shall make sausage and mash for tea and try not to lament the fact that I didn't do any work on the proper chapter today and be pleased that I wrote 1000 words of totally new material.

Be pleased goddammit!

Back tomorrow.

x J

Norovirus

Eugh we had the dreaded norovirus (aka evil winter vomiting bug) at our house this whole week.  And I got it on Thursday!

So I have done no work apart from what I did on Weds night, but rhe work I did on Weds was grand.  Today I feel just awful, really really fatigued and well, a bit wiped out really, physically and emotionally...  I need a good laugh!  Too tired to do anything though ;0)  Obviously that all has to go on the backburner for work though.  I can't believe I have to work today.  And not just a bit but a LOT!  Am also a bit blue because #9out of the blue shocker hehe) I want another baby (!) but don't think it will happen this month.  This, oddly, has made me really sad!  I don't know why, we only decided to sort of see what happened because if I got preggers now I wouldn't be due until a couple of months after my other baby is due (haha, the PhD obvs)... so would (hopefully) be in fine fettle for handing in and doing my viva and then settle down with my family, all doctored up.  Anyway, it has made me sad.  I dunno.  Is too early to tell actually but I did a test anyway being a silly, majorly impatient moo and am all grumpy about it.  Am being really stupid aren't I. 

OK!  Cheer up.  DB just got home, and he knows I am blue but not really why, although the fact I have spent a really intense week cooped up with a toddler with sicky bug and then having it myself, plus the pressure of having to have a week off work seems to be enough for him to feel a mite sorry for me ;0)  Anyway, he has offered to make me a cup of tea and gimme a biccie so that is cool.  Although in truth I don't want either, but I do want the gesture :0)  To feel a bit looked after innit.

Am all tearful today!

RIGHT.  Onwards!  I am going to drink mah tea and eat mah biccie and get some energy going.  Then I shall open facebook and mumsnet (I know, but they are like my office buddies these days!  I get lonesome else and seek company hehe) and shall look through the fantabulous plan I wrote for myself on Wedsnesday, in anticipation of my all-too-predictable confusion whenever I sit back at my desk after a couple of days away.

Am fine.  All Is Well :0)  Am working until 2.30pm.  BYE!!

x J

Blinking gastro virus

My poor toddler has had a really nasty tummy bug since monday night.  Awww.  So I have done no work!

I have had the week off to look after him, but have dragged my sorry arse up to my study to do some work this evening while DB looks after the wean.  In all honesty, apart from the puke and the grotty nappies and the worry and the washing (oh my word - SO much washing) it has been lovely!  No really, I have spent the last two days sitting on my settee and having gazillions of cuddles from my darling boy and actually, he is a very good patient.  And while he slept on me yesterday I managed to watch over 2 hours of 'come dine with me' and another two of 'four in a bed' - the kind of lovely daytime tv that I never normally get time to watch and snooze in front of. 

Not being able to work has been a bummer though.  I have come up tonight as I shall still have Bean tomorrow while he gets his strength back so won't have done any work this week and am getting to the point where I would rather just not work.  I can't take long away from it or all the flow and motivation just vanishes.  Like, on Monday night I was super stressed about the fact that I would have to take time off this week to look after Bean - not that I blamed him or anything horrible like that, but it has been stressful not being able to work - and today I had to drag myself upstairs to work!  In that time I have gone from being totally motivated to not really caring and rather hiding from it.  It is scary.

But realising this in itself has been an eye-opener and the fact I am here says something about my commitment doesn't it.  I decided that even if I only spend an hour up here but manage to remind myself of what I am doing then that would be an achievement in itself, let alone doing any actual work.

DB is cool with the fact that I will be working all of saturday too.  Sunday avo I have a birthday party to go to for Bean - he and his little buddies from my antenatal group are all turning two now so we are having a partay for them.  AND I need to exercise.  I dunno how I shall fit it all in.

Work must come first though.  Sooooo to concentrate my mind...  Tonight I shall:  print off the chapter I just completed so I can proof-read it again (UG really don't want to so think I shall do this sort of informally while looking through) and use it for its partner chapter.  I shall read through the intro I have written for the new chapter and see what content I have (about 5000 words apparently, though of what I am unsure) and look through my scrawlings to see if I can find the point of it.  Hopefully it is really well written and really clever ;0)  I don't think it is.  THEN I will need to read my philosophy peeps as their ideas (that I have long forgotton apart from the bare bones) are fun-da-mental to this chapter, and also will need to be fed into the last chapter to tighten it up a bit.  But no biggie.  In fact, reading these peeps will scratch an itch that has been driving me crackers for, ahem, a year now but I just haven't had time or inclination.  Now is the time :0)

Righty, old chapter: open.  (oh no, please I don't want to look at it!)

x J

Finished the chapter!

Blimey!  After a gazillion months and three re-writes I reckon this chapter is cooked!

All proof-read, all flows, arguments are concise, references are there (bar one but whatever), fonts are the right size, word count super, bla bla blaaaaaa it is finisheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddddddd!

Already thinking it is a load of rubbish and am bound to think later about stuff I haven't got in it but for now I am satisfied.

Amazing!

bacon butty for me now (haven't had brekkers yet and it is lunchtime) and boozey later hurrah!

Will probably be back tomorrow working on my next chapter...  arf.

x J

STILL working!

This could become a habit!

My poor DB was off work yesterday with the flu (sort of, not quite bedridden but pretty manky poor thing) so I took advantage and worked from 6pm until 7.30 when I put bean to bed and made us dins and chilled, it being Friday night.  Today I am working again, have been since just before 9 and will continue until 11am. 
I want to work all day really, but DB is too fragile to deal with a bouncy toddler for more than a couple of hours at a time!  I want to get this chapter proof-read asap and put it to bed.  It is soooo boring now.  I will come back and work again sometime this aft, probably when the wean is having a nap and for a bit afterwards. 

I am then going to go out boozing tonight and watch the X factor at a friend's house to celebrate having this chapter done!  It will be done today!

Tomorrow I want to work too, I want to start digging my heels into my next chapter asap.  Need to be finished by the end of the month really.

Busy busy!

x J

Nearly done :0)

Well my working day is practically over and I shan't return until Saturday I expect...

But I have nearly finished my chapter wheee!  I need to go through it again and check it flows and has enough references in it from my fieldwork, I need to type my references into endnote (in front of the tele) and make sure the intro and conclusion fits with the content.  This will probably take a couple of hours but I am pleased nontheless.  Not really pleased, as it isn't quite done yet, but pleased enough I suppose.

Going to go and get my boy in a bit and try and be nicer to him!  Still feel stressy though!  I suppose at the mo I just want to work and feel guilty when I am hanging out with him that I am not working, and fretful that I am going to forget how to do it...  Nah, I really have written it, is just a case of a bit more editing so I shouldn't worry!

onwards!

x J

working away

Still working!

Worked last night until 9pm, put the baby to bed, had some tea and watched tele till about half ten, then went to bed and couldn't turn my brain off until gone midnight.  Oh dear.

Am tired and a bit stressy today.  Bit bored of looking at this chapter and the house feels so quiet and empty - am a bit lonely ;0)  Looking forwrd to getting my baby tonight and chilling with him tonight and tomorrow and putting work OUT of my mind.  I was thinking about it this morning and ignoring Bean and by the time I had come to he had managed to make a right mess of the bathroom and landing and I have a house inspection from the estate agents tomorrow (makes me feel about 12 having my house inspected.  Grrr) so I got cross.  I feel really bad about it now and it is now making me unable to concentrate on work!  how backwards is that?! 

I hate working and being stressed about work and trying to be a Mum, I am not very good at it!  Particularly now he is entering the terible twos.  Some of the stuff he does is just so annoying!  Like why pull stuff off the counter, or throw your big heavy toys, or knock stuff over?!  WHY?!  Because he is a toddler and he can't help it.  Bah.  My worries about work definitely affect my behaviour, my general sunniness and my tolerance levels.  Poor Bean.  I just can't compartmentalise my feelings/worries very well.  But I must learn.

So today I am proof reading and editing this chapter.  Hopefully the content is all there now, just needs neatening and tightening a bit.  Then I can move onto the next chapter, which would be such a relief!

x J

Evening all

So it is the start of my first evening shift...

My DB has come home early (well, not fannied around at work when he should be coming home) and is looking after the wean for the evening so I can do some WORK hurrah!  I plan to work until 8/8.30 depending on hunger, tiredness, work and Bean.  I hope to miss having to put Bean to bed altogether (I do it every night and the thrill of sitting in the dark cajoling a toddler to go to sleep is wearing thin ;0)) and skive at my laptop then skip down the stairs for me tea and some tele before bed. 

I did good work today, despite having to be at the hairdressers for one and a half hours.  What I was there for for that long I don't know; I hardly have any hair, I didn't have any colour or fancy schmancy stuff done (never do, I hate fancy schmancy stuff) but anyway, I was.  But it was fine really, I have nearly, nearly, nearly got this chapter done.  I have got the word count down to 7,500 and put lots of it into my next chapter which has brought that word count up to 5,000.  That is pleasing as the aim is for 8,000 wds per chapter.  If I could have both chapters done by the end of next week I would be a very happy lady indeed.  Tonight I need to go through this chapter with a fine tooth comb and riddle it with lots of quotes from various sources from my fieldwork to look like I talked to loads of people and back up every argument.  I then need to make sure all my arguments are linked to theory in some way, so they look well clever.  I need to make sure that it flows and isn't jumpy, and that the intro and conclusion state what this chapter is about, what my main contentions are and how it contributes to the thesis as a whole.

Then I can relax. 

Pretty sure I am not going to get all of that done tonight but I hope to make a big dent in it for tomorrow.

x J

Arf

Well, since I worked out that I have only three months to write up my PhD I have been a bit down as you can imagine.

I have been such an idiot letting it get to this stage!  Today I am working all day, although I have to get my haircut which is most annoying.  Then DB said he will come home early and look after bean and put him to bed and everything so I can work.  And we have agreed that I am allowed to work evey weekend until Jan.  I am seriously worried!  I can't work evenings, I am soooo tired with getting up to bean twice a night (at least - still, when will he sleeeep?!) and then working, then getting him and being with him until he finally goes to sleep at 8/8.30, then I have to cook and eat dinner - it is pretty relentless and the last thing I want to do is start work.  I guess at some point I shall just have to crack open some pro plus and get on with it...  But then again, if I am up with Bean in the night and up at 5-7am can I keep working like that before I get stupid and depressed?  I say not.

Anyway, I am going to work, work work and desperately try not to overthink this chapter and just get the info in there and MOVE ON.

x J

The Fear

Oh no.

I just went and made my coffee and realised that it is the middle of November!  I want to have my first draft done for the beginning of March - that is only three and a half months away!  With xmas bla bla that gives me three months to write my intro, concl, methodology and discussion chapters - and finish these two chapters!

Oh my goodness how on earth am I going to manage that?  I was thinking I would have a month per chapter, but I don't even have that any more and I have so much to do and really it takes me about two months to do a chapter if I am working hard!

Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

shit.

x J

juggling

Arg I am just juggling text and ideas!

So annoying and time consuming.  I hate fine tuning!  I have kept my revised chapter structure but have decided to split it into two chapters so I can go into a bit more depth.  This means changing some subheadings and the focus a bit, but for the better.  Doing this is so tricky though!  My brain hurts.

I am going to get a coffee now and then when I get back I will have just over an hour to get even further into this hole clear this up and go and get Bean.

I hate it when I get Bean and my mind is all full of work worries.  It makes me a rubbish, stressy mum.  It's worse with this too cause there is nothing I can do about it without full-on concentrated proper work with hours to spare.  Not anything I can do with him buzzing around wanting me to draw moons and windmills... Am no good at compartmentalising!

Am also miffed that I am doing this and not halfway through wrtiing the next chapter.  Although I suppose if I take a few thousand words out of this chapter to put into the next, which is my plan, then that is writing of a sort isn't it?! That makes me feel better.

x J

boo and yay

Weeeeeelllll

I did LOADS of work on Saturday!  I worked all day until 4pm.  It was great! 

Sunday didn't work though.  DB needed to go out and run off his cabin fever, then when he came back it was lunchtime so I agreed to going out for lunch so we could chill and have some family time before I came home and worked...  Got home and by the time I had put Bean down for his (very late) nap it was 4!  And I was full and snoozy!  So I didn't do any work.

Also, I went swimming last night and on the way home thought that maybe my empirical chapters were getting rather too bogged down in analysis, rather than being demonstrative.  An example of this being that I don't have enough room ini my word count to put many more quotes from my research but I need to put in a LOT more quotes.  SO I reckon I should get on with putting in these examples of my research and leave some analysis for the discussion and conclusion.  NO bad thing. 

It has made me fret though that the work I did on Saturday may end up being defunct...  I think I may have messaed around with something that was perfectly fine the way it was but needed a bit of smartening up.  Being a busy fool basically.

Today I am working my socks off.  I am so motivated by the thought of never having to look at my empirical stuff again!  I would LOVE to be in the position where I 'only' have my chapters left that don't need much original research, like the discussion, lit review, intro and concl. Eek and methodology.  Hmm maybe I have quite a bit to do ;0)

Anywho, am off to procrastinate for ten minutes then shall worky work work.

x J

Working!

Yes, I am working. 

It is sunny for the first time in a week so I am gutted that I am having to spend it at my laptop and not out with my family but at the same time am so pleased to be getting back on track!  It is important for Bean to spend some time with DB on his own too so is good I am up here.  And I could do with some time off being the main cooker person and cleaner and tidier so is nice to have DB downstairs making me crekky while I work.

Big incentive for me today is to get as much done as possible so I can try and have some of tomorrow off to spend with my family.  Priority is though to get this chapter done. 

I have noticed that as my PhD progresses the writing process seems to get muckier.  Whereas before when I needed to write a chapter I would write a plan and then write the chapter, now it seems that I plan, plan again and then plan again, having to cross reference with other chapters all the time to make sure I am not repeating myself.  And I need to re-write the intro all the time, when previously the intro would be my guide now it is always in doubt as I get new ideas or fancy writing in something different or the structure changes.

I don't like it!

x J

Busy!

I did lots of work today hurray hurray! 

have nearly finished re-jigging the first chapter of my empirical stuff, just need to finish the necessary copy-and-pasting and then read through and make it make sense.  And then read through and make it sound clever ;0).  I am doing the copy-and-pasting tonight in front of the tele (I know it's bad but I have only just got the little dude to sleep and want some down time before bed.  This is as good as it gets!) and will do the thinky-work over the weekend.  DB has been forewarned that I shan't be around much this weekend, and anyway they could do with some bonding time without me.

I really hope to have this chapter done by the end of the weekend, then I have three weeks until Dec, when I would like to have written the next chapter.  The thought of a) having the empirical stuff DOWN so I never have to look at my interviews or notes from India again and b) sending my Sup two complete chapters is very exciting!  I would love to be able to move on and start on the discussion - then I really will feel like i am getting somewhere.

Pleeeeease nothing get in the way! (like childminder having to be off, or bean getting ill, or me getting ill, or DB randomly inviting people to come to stay...)  fingers crossed!

x J

haha

I have just realised why, perhaps, all of a sudden my work is so appealing! 

May have something to do with the fact that my darling boy has succumbed to the terrible twos (all of a sudden this weekend...  he is two next month so not doing too badly really) and is, ahem, becoming rather a handful!  So being here, working, ALONE, in silence, with no-one desperately clinging to my leg saying 'mummymummymummy' then shouting at me when I go to pick him up (how dare I misread the situation so?!) for obviously squashing his independence is really quite lovely.  You see, here I am being a Grown Up, and entering a land that is otherwise barred to me as the stay-at-home Mum-to-a-toddler.  Previously, being with my Bean has been by far the preferred option, him being so lovely and funny and caring and kind and just yumptiousness.  And now, all of a sudden, he is so confusing!  And so very demanding and yet if I respond I have probably got it wrong and deserve a good growling at.  This work is lovely respite and really rather straightforward.  And it doesn't answer back.  Or make me feel guilty (all guilt feelings from me, not purposefully induced by him!) And if I want to make a cup of coffee then I absolutely can, without negotiating with anyone (I'm going to make a coffee then I shall be straight back for cuddles and yes of course I will watch Abney and Teal the rainbow episode with you for the gazillionth time).  And I just feel like ME.

Hurrah.

Am not procrastinating btw.  Am pontificating.  Reflecting.  Rationalising and analysing *everything* that happens to me, as is my wont as a researcher ;0)

x J