Pickles

Oh I am in another pickle.

I have been working at this chapter forever now, and am keen to see it finished. It is nearly 10,000 words long, which is getting on for Too Long according to my Sup, though he is happy that I am writing away and encourages this. Think it may need to be two chapters though... Eek, because this messes up my neat chapter outline that I like muchly ;0)

AM working, but quite badly. I still find it hard to settle and still find my concentration span is about two minutes long. We are looking for childminders for the Bean come Jan and have seen two, which is good. They aren't that good but are ok. (Well, they are good, they just aren't perfect ;0)) When I can drop Bean off for three mornings a week and then come back to a quiet, childless house I will concentrate a million percent better. Although it won't take the internet away will it? I must concentrate.

Am working tomorrow and Friday then am off for Xmas! Have done al my shopping now, my last pressie arrived this morning. Feeling most festive, although the snow outside is actually ice now and it is about minus 5 which makes it hard to take the baby out - he hates it basically. But I want to go and collect some holly! How wonderfully stepford.

I don't know if I shall get to post before chrimble or even New Year. I will be back soon though with my NY resolutions (be nicer to Everyone, make an effort with the in laws, be patient, finish the PhD - or at least thisn chapter)

Am realising that chapters are evil and consist of getting out of one scrape only to barge straight into another. One day I will have no scrapes which I assume is when I know it is finished. I don't believe this will ever happen!

All the best dear workers, stop soon won't you and put your feet by with a nice fire with some mulled wine :0)

x J

Tiredness and Ineptitude

Ooooooh Ok. I am a new mama. Well, my baby is not so little (oh yes he is!) but I am still new at this.. am I?!

And I am TIRED! So tired! My family have been sooooooooooo ill with this very nasty not-quite-flu cold thing that is doing the rounds and that lasts for about two weeks. Rattling chests, phlegmy coughs, oozing faces, temperatures and grumbling. So much grumbling. And three of us in a bedroom, so it was inevitable that I would get it in the end. Not for long though, I have only been ill for a few days and am getting better already, but I am tired. And being tired is sooooo bad for work. I had a party to organise for Saturday night and I worked alllll day on it, just cleaning the house (I know, I am that mucky it seems) and making bits and bobs. Because the guests are parents that *never* get out a) it was an honour they were using special babysitter/going out favours and passes just to come to my house and b) I wanted to make it worth their while. So I made some bits but it took all day. And we had to decorate the house as it was a Christmas party! But the house is spanking clean now for the rellies when they come on Thurs and Fri so that's a job done. Anyway, it means I didn't work on Saturday (oh, and I was sooooo ill on Saturday, I was walking round Asda like a right manky wench I was actually embarrassed). I didn't work Friday because DB really needed the day to work (I know. Yes I was livid but I just can't help but feel his work is more important than mine) and I didn't work yesterday because I was ill and so tired I could hardly think. I actually, for the first time *ever* told DB to sleep in the spare room last night so we could all get some sleep (he is practising full body snoring with this illness, it is keeping me up. I am keeping me up with the tickliest throat and cough known to man, and Bean is keeping me up feeding and kicking me. If DB is out of the bed then at least I can move away from the kicking child and not be woken by the snoring so hopefully sleep through my tickly cough). I may do it again tonight, we are all actually much better today for some sleep!

So, apart from complaining is there any point to this post?

Ah yes! I need to complain about the consequence of all this: my missed deadline :0( Oh what shall I do? I was meant to have this chapter finished at the beginning of this month and it now looks like it won't be finished - what with xmas etc - until mid Jan! Let me look at my original timeline... Right it actually says that I will have this chapter done by the beginning of Jan, which gives me some time. Cool! BUT the timeline also thinks I am writing the lit review and discussion chapter in Feb (two chapters in one month? WTF?!) *and* I thought I had written the methodology chapter when in fact it is have written. Oh dear. I *have* to have this finished in June. I will NOT have this hanging over my head into 2012. I will not! I have a life! A marriage that is suffering under the strain of this course. I need to go and get a job, pay some taxes, be normal.

Though I am still chuffed that I seem to be on track still. My Sup shouldn't be worried about me then. I can't help but feel though, that rather than having a Sup that is sooooo veeeery far away that I could do with someone cracking the whip over me a bit for this final stage. Give me some deadlines and Fear so I can say to DB that I need to work because someone else is making me which holds more weight than saying I have to work because, well, I fancy it. Motivation is there, concentration is not.

RIght so I have until the beginning of Jan. That means I have today (well, till 1 though I may ask DB if I can have till 2), next week, and then am away to visit relatives for christmas. I might renege on this though, I don't want to go! That would give me another week. Do I need another week? Prob not if I work properly to be honest...

Am so relieved I am not behind. I am not behind! Yay!

Ok will get on...

x J

x J

Back in the game...

Hurray, having had my epiphany that I was lost and confused, I am not any more! Yay!

I spent yesterday working out what was going wrong and righting - and writing - it. So I am now left happily with a chapter plan that makes sense but a tight deadline... It's Bean's Beeday on Wednesday, after we have family coming until Monday, and then I have that week to finish up and start looking at my next chapter until the day before Xmas eve when we are going into the countryside for a long hike and some booze that will mark the beginning of xmas. Hurray!

Downside is that I am rather ill. DB and Bean have been completely germ filled, snotty creatures this whole week and finally I have caught some of it - am not that bad but for a throat that is so tickley it makes my eyes water so I look like I am crying. Not a good look for interviewing childminders! Not found a good childminder yet but have started the hunt properly - exciting! What a change.

So I have until Weds:
Today: PM (till 6)
Friday AM
Saturday PM
Sunday AM
Monday AM
Tuesday not at all - DB workday. Maybe Tues PM.

I have tomorrow and Saturday and Sunday to finish writing the text. Then I have Monday and Tuesday night to link it all together and make the first draft coherent enough to send to my sup.

As part of the disentangling of this chapter I have started planning, or working out what needs to go into, my discussion chapter which is really exciting - I had *no* clue a week or so ago and now it is becoming clear. However, what is also becoming clear is that I am going to soon reach a stage where the first, clumsy draft is written and I shall need to re-read all my current literature, and read new lit - with no break so I don't forget it, and apply it rigourously to this first draft. So when I make comments about the way something appears in the research I can fluently say 'drawing from so-and-so we can see that' (not that I would say that but bla bla ;0)) and constatnly be referring to prominent, up-to-date authors and ideas in the field. Look like I know my stuff. Then, when that is done, I shall have my Actual First Draft. This will be in June :0) As it stand I don't see why I can't reach this, particularly once the dude is in childcare for 15 hours a week :0)

I feel pleased and in control!

Also, by-the-by, I am having an X Factor final-cum-xmas partay at my house on Saturday. I am not one to have parties, I am very shy and easily offended if someone says they can't come (I know, am daft) but have decided as we are having a quiet xmas to have a party before so I feel I have been sociable. Quite a few peeps are coming and I am really looking forward to it! Am going to make home made mince pies (filo pastry ones, soooooo easy) and drinks lots of mulled wine, cava and prosecco :0)

I love chrimbly time. Oh and I have the decorations in from the car (we have to have everything in storgae because we have seriously outgrown our house!) so I can start decorating the house tonight. Tomorrow I want to get some holly and ivy to strew around. And I am making DB and Bean xmas stockings! I am *such* a mum.

heheeeee.

x J

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg!

Writing up the fieldwork is not easy at *all*!!

I am having a nightmare!

Because the information is so higgeldy piggeldy, a simple sentence can have three different bits of info in it that I need, and would ideally like to structure in three different parts of the chapter, but they have to be all in one. Or the information is contradictory, so I can't say anything with any strong conviction, every comment is a bit of this, a bit of that... it is really hard! I have only just realised that rather than me being totally *quite a bitm but not totally) slack every day for hmmmm... about three weeks, it is largely that the chapter is so hard to write! If I could write it, I would. I have only just realised this. Every day I sit and jiggle about my introduction, then think a-ha! I have it. Then I go to re-jog my chapter accordingly and realise it won't work. It isn't going to be neat. So how to go about sorting this out?! It needs structure, and I won't go through the questions and answer them one by one - how dry and convoluted. Nor will I go to each village and write out what they said one by one. No, it needs to be a synopsis of the research, to tell their stories but in a way relevant to the research question and also include analysis.

How to do this? Don't ask me!

Bah, I didn't expect this. Am now going to go back to er, staring at it and thinking. I think it may have even got to the stage where I need to start thinking aloud. Yes, jibbering to myself.

x J

chasing concentration...

Where is it? I can't concentrate for toffee. I have a lot to do and it isn't even that hard, but can I do it? Nope.

I do have a bit of a hangover and am extraordinarily tired. I am meant to have finished this chapter by now but it just seems to be getting bigger and bigger and needing more and more and mooooooooore.

I have been faffing over one paragraph pretty much, all week. It is not good.

Better get back really! Am clearly skiving.

Ohhhh for a snooze. Instead I have half an hour of work left, then have to bundle up Bean to take him out in the snow to a baby group. Am really not in the mood for organised play, I just fancy bumbling around the shops really. Hmmmm.

My baby is one in two weeks! ONE!

laters!
x J

Tired and Annoyed

Bah. I am so tired, my baby is super demanding at night time at the mo (am praying it's a phase and I won't need to get all sleep-trainer-y on his arse) and my back hurts from my stupid make-shift work desk.

I am annoyed because I am not working well at the mo, just skiving and bumbling about. I can't get any momentum again - my baby wants me to be in his eyeline all the time or he cries and his Dad doesn't seem to be able to chill him out :0( I cannot work when my baby is crying downstairs, it is just impossible. And again another day has gone by and I have done very little. DB and I are arguing again, excellent. Am a bit miserable really. Can you tell?!

I want to have this chapter done by Friday. Friday! I feel some night shifts coming on. (Baby willing. I always forget! harrumph I am tired, my brain is like a sieve - as DB notics constantly when I forget to do things or do things wrong/badly. Again.)

I have to sort out my workspace, working as I am I can feel that the middle of my back is kind of holding the rest of me up, as I lean over to work. It hurts and is most unnatural. DB says it makes him wince to see me hunched over. But I love this workspace! It is my stupid chair. It is stupid ;0)

Tomorrow is another day. Another day for work. NO! No work tomorrow, I don't work tuesdays. ARG. At least DB will be out so we don't argue.

Am off downstairs to er, probably argue.

x J

Mumsnet

Is my new distraction. I know, I know but I like it, it's funny ;0) It was once facebook... then the Guardian... then both... then pregnancy websites... then all three... now it is facebook, Guardian, hotmail and mumsnet. Bad rabbit.

Today I did a lot and achieved nothing! I spent hours on 200 words in my introduction, fussing away, deleting, copying, pasting... frowing away like the busy fool that I am. Then realised I had those words already written and so they were pointless. I put them in another chapter that has yet to be written (though I did think it had been written. Jeysus but it hasn't)...

SO that has been my day. I worked yesterday morning and last night, though didn't get a whole lot done. Am a bit distracted at the mo though can't say why. Just being slack.

I have until the end of next week to get the first draft of this sent off to my Sup. Why am I wasting so much time? Although today wasn't my fault, I was just being thick and really, it is quite typical to do such things. I can't always be on the ball... can I?

Am working tomorrow morning. I like that, means I shall have some flow from today. Stop/starting each day with long periods of time between each working session really hampers flow and, consequently, motivation. Each time I sit down I need to start anew and it bugs.

x J

This week

Has mostly been ok. Apart from the fact that last Sunday my baby had norovirus and so spent all day throwing up on me - he was fine though between bouts of pukiness, though i was flummoxed having never looked after another person who can't get to the loo to throw up before. I didn't know if I should hang him over the loo, keep him where he was, get a cloth...

And THEN I gave me and DB food poisoning. What a fool. We spent Tuesday sick as dogs and today is the first day I have felt a-ok. Looking after the wean and being so sick was just hideous and pressed home the imprtance of having family to be able to take him in such a circumstance. Though to be fair it shouldn't really happen today, especially now I have stopped cooking ;0)

Workwise all is going well. Am working this morning voluntarily, mostly to browse the internet and have some time away from the bubba as am on duty on my lonesome this afternoonand am tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired and feeling selfish. DB can look after him cause he is at the gym this avo (oh to bumble around a gym, then to sup a latte and read the paper lazily in the cafe on my todd afterwards because no-one would know... OMG, in fact, don't even go to the gym just go straight to the cafe and watch the tv and eat chips and read the paper! Hehe!). I am christmas shopping browsing and doing my chapter. Am 8,000 words into it now and is pretty easy really though slow going. I didn't plan really before how it was going to be so am having to constantly restructure it, but this is ok. I think this will be a 10,000 word chapter, easily. Am not going to let it be bigger than that though unless really I have no choice. I have to find out if the total amount of words at the end (100,000) includes the appendices, footnotes and references because if they do then each chapter needs to be 8,000 really. Makes quite a difference!

Ja, so will get on with it!

x J

What's the likelihood?

Jeeez Louise.

I just had an email from my Sup saying that the Vice Chancellor at my Uni is interested in being my internal examiner! :0) He is a lecturer from my Uni where I did my MA so I actually had him for a module then - he is *lovely*! Really friendly, super intelligent and not at all competitive/showy-offy as so many academics are. Very inspiring guy. How lucky am I?

So I could have the VC as an internal, and a *hugely* influential, rather famous chappie as my external. I am supervised by an emeritus professor who edits an internationally renowned journal and is friends with the who's who of international politics (hence my possible examiners). I have won funding go to one of the top ten Unis in the country for my field and am completing what so far has been seen to be a solid piece of research. My CV is *hot*!!

BUT BUT BUUUUUUTTTTTTTT I really don't want to be an academic! :0( I really don't. I think it looks awful. I do want to write this up as a book that no one will want to publish and maybe a different work avenue will come from publishing in journals. I have looked and looked at being an academic, willing myself to want to do it but I just think it is soooo dry. I would have to go to conferences and present often, all over the world. Hell. It is majorly majorly competitive - I would really have to want it. I would have to be willing to work anywhere in the world (it is international politics after all ;0)). I would have to write and write and write forever. I would have to do more research (I don't really like the research bit, just the thinking). I would like to teach and mentor peeps tho.

ARG what an arse I am! What a CV! What a lack of desire! I just hope hope hope that I do get a job that justifies all the opportunities that have been afforded to me during this PhD. I p*ss myself off, I really do. Why do I want to make my life hard?! Why can't I just be an academic? I wonder why I am doing this PhD, and very selfishly it is just simply because I enjoy it. Would I still be doing it if I wasn't funded? No - but that would be a financial decision rather than whether I enjoy it or not. I love it! I can sit all day and think about my research and pootle along writing it up and find it really, really interesting. And I am not beholden to anyone to do it.

I wonder if this is one of those things that is probably best left to fate... I'll probably have a great job in a couple of years that ticks all the boxes and uses my CV brilliantly, where i write, and help people as best I can and think I should just not have worried so much - and not felt so guilty...

x J

Working working - for the moment...

I start to work - as in *work* not faff about on the internet and it is great. Then I take a break and it takes me aaaaages to get back into it!

Arses!

Am knackered today. I have yet to make it to work before 9am this week, am just so tired! Bean was up at 1am until 3.30am for some reason, totally hyper and bouncing all over the shop. And you can't take him downstairs because you can't get him thinking it is cool to be up, so you sit in the dark in bed constantly battling to get him to lie down and chill and not be scampering about. Arg! DB is looking after him this morning and is like a sleeping tiger. If I don't really talk to him or ask questions he is fine and will make me a cup of coffee and be generally nice. But should I talk or demand anything he is very, very ratty. So I have slunk away and will try not to take it personally and just reiterate that he is *tired*. Is ok for me, I have has a shower, am sitting on my ownsome with the radio and my laptop and no baby narking at me for this and that (Bean is being really bizarrely demanding at the mo, very impatient and squealy - is most odd and quite hard work to be patient, smiley uber-parent). Is very pleasant.

Today I am continuing to type up quotes and e.g.s into my empirical chapter. My fieldwork has worked sooo well - I am so insanely pleased. I wish I knew it would all be ok while I was in India and relaxed and enjoyed it a bit more. I have incredibly fond memories of India now, now I am stuck at home and can't even pop to the pub let alone jetset off to somewhere like India :0) I want to print off loads of pics and make a big ol' India wall actually. Think I will, that will help me procrastinate some...

Nooooo. I have until Friday to finish filling in the quotes etc for this chapter, then I need tos tart jigging it all around so it makes sense and bringing in other authors to help give it depth and credence.

More immediately, I finish at 12.45 today because it is Bean's swimming lesson today and we are always in a rush. Then I want to go for a jog about 5ish (can't see how, am so so tired my body weighs a million tonnes) and then, then I am going to have at least two large glasses of wine with DB and relax. Though ebing tired as we are we will probably just have a glass and then start falling asleep/bickering ;0)

x J

It's going well :0)

Work is going well! Hurrah!

I didn't work on Saturday which was lovely and think I will keep that up. Managed to get out for a swim on Saturday too which was great - I haven't exercised for aaaaaages so felt brill for getting out and about, but also was just lovely to leave the house on mah todd to do something for a wee while just for me.

I did work yesterday and am working agian this morning. This morning was a bit weird as Bean woke up at 5am, I kept him in bed until 6ish when I gave up and went downstairs with him, then at 8 he wanted to go back to bed for a nap which was ace, but I slept in till 10am missing an hour of work :0( Was worth it though in the sense that I am actually refreshed and able to work - otherwise I would be so shattered.

My baby is being super clingy today. I think I might pop him in my mei tai sling later on my back so he can be with me while I am cooking. Otherwise he follows me from the fridge to the oven to the table and I feel like I am always running away from him! And he clambers up my legs so am forever unpeeling him, bless him!

Am not working tomorrow, it's DBs day at the office. Back on Weds morning though. Mornings are the best for me I am working out, I do actually get on with it.

x J

Just checking in

Worked yesterday afternoon and am working again this morning until one.

Just getting together all my analyses and writing them up into my chapter. It never occured to me how much using my own research info would be like using references to and quotes from books. I have planned it all, am writing up the main themes and what people said and next to that each village ref so I can pad it out with more detail and proper quotes. And it really is coming together like a proper thing! It looks like I really found some information out! Hehe, how funny. And in this I also want to keep bringing in book references and social theory. One thing my Sup said that suprised me was that I do have to infer sometimes from the information. I can say 'One could argue that this shows...' which I didn't know, I thought I had to stick to what was obvious but there are definitely a couple of inferences I would like to make. Am most pleased. This is going to be a big chapter, I haven't even started to contextualise the info with general knowledge I have from being in India and just talking to locals.

Is fab and actually really easy. Am definitely going full speed on this one at the mo, just writing it all up. Just got to get on and not procrastinate... I have till the end of next week to write this all up, then I am starting to bring the chapter together by joining up the primary research with the documentary evidence that backs it up and creates a certain 'voice' or narrative that is the chapter.

When I have finished this chapter I will have done half of the writing up! Then I will start bringing together the thesis as a whole, rather than working in segregated chapters. Ooooh!

It shall be mine yet...

x J

Writing Up - Advice

From my kind supervisor for me to remember when trying to write:

*Always signpost for the reader, don't leave them guessing where you are going. The introduction is very, very inmportant. Have an introduction for each chapter, tell the reader what happened in the chapter before, what will happen in this chapter and at the end, summarise and say how it links to the next chapter.

*The thesis should always be driven by your thesis. Don't write anything unnecessary. Each chapter is a process of unpacking, disaggregating and deconstructing whaty is going on you are not simply engaged in narrative. Be explicit and clear to the reader so what you hear in your head is down on the paper - don't assume they know what you know!

*Imagine your thesis is a skeleton/thread throughout the PhD to guide the reader. Hangs loosely together but is invisible under the meat and bones that are your research and the chapters.

*Don't say 'we have seen that' or 'this chapter looks at'. No one wants to know what you have seen or are looking at, they want to know what is being *argued*, what is being unpacked, what is being *analysed*.

*Be aware that only three people will read this version of the PhD (until you try and make it a book that others probably won't read either ;0)). You are writing for these people. They are busy and looking for certain things so they will skim read, they know what they are looking for. They won't quibble with you over small details, but they will want you to be consistent. They won't quibble over minor references you have used but will over the big names. You must know who says what and why and be able to relate the nig names to each other. 'So and so believes this but I know that so and so would disagree...'. With the VIVA this kind of knowledge is very impressive and if you can say something about current lit, after your thesis was published, this will be even better.

*Your examiners will firstly read introductions and conclusions and go to the references to see what you are saying, why, and how clearly, before reading anything else. Again, make these clear as day and you will have the examiner in a very good mood. This work is not a magical mystery tour.

* Getting the PhD is about showing that you can explain what is in your head to someone else. It is about being able to engage in a high level of intellectula activity and make it so someone else can understand it and learn (maybe!) from it.

* Throughout the thesis send out little signals regarding the final analysis - the discussion shouldn't be a surprise but will be developed from these signals.

tis all for now :0)
x J

Still A-OK!

All is still well in my world. Phew!

I have had this morning to work, though admittedly I have not done much. At all. But then it is nice to be able to catch up on normal life (bills, emails etc) and sort of relax a bit before am on duty with the wean and all that entails :0) I have tomorrow, Friday and Saturday morning booked to work too so all good. May work Sunday doing some reading. Started some reading last night too so not a total skiver...

DB is looking after Bean brilliantly, it really feels like we are a team for once instead of in competition for who is the most tired, most stressed and who deserves the most time to work. Hurray!

Thank you for your lovely comments by the way, am very touched.

Gosh I am thirsty!

Uh oh I can her the baby screaming his head off! think I better go and see if he needs a nap. Is nearly time for me to stop work anyway - we are swimming after lunch so I have to leave early today and get him and me ready and him napped. And am just skiving ;0) Will be back tomorrow properly, am just taking this wee time to bask in the pleasure that is, for once, feeling on top of stuff.

x J

YAYYYYYYY!

I can only be quick but am taking the rest of the day off (with an article to read of course) to look after the wean who is currently trying to pull the radio off the shelf, and the lamp...

BUT I went in to see my Sup and he is really pleased with my work! No WAY. He said it was excellent and I apologised for it being so rough and he said that the intro was excellent and it didn't look at all rough, and that the rest was wonderful! How jammy is that. Somehow I managed to make two nights of work look like two months, am just so relieved. ANd so pleased that he made me do that work because now I am really back into the swing of things and have lots of work to do between now and Jan, is all very organised and just a case of getting on with it.

AND today was the first tijme I have left Bean in the daytime to go off on my own, and it was fine.

AND DB was looking after him and did a marvellous job, Bean is all fed and watered and clean and most importantly, had a grand time with his Daddy :0) DB is super keen to keep doing this, so I work mornings on four days a week and he works afternoons, I have Saturdays and he has one working day a week to go inton his client's office. Sounds great to me, Bean is in such a fine mood having been cared by by both his parents.

So am in a great mood and looking forward to an afternoon slumming about with my baby knowing that my PhD is still safe and sound.

Thank you for seeing me through my whinging. Am so grateful. Hopefully I can start to be a better example of a PhD Mum :0)

Now I feel back in the swing of things I think I can drop the 'coming back to it after maternity leave' tag. Am not 'coming' back, am BACK! hehe!

x J

huzzahs!

I am working again! AGAIN!

DB is bathing the baby, dinner is cooked (Jamie Oliver's Beef and Ale Stew - is the shizzle of stews) and I have to type up my fieldwork findings that I worked out yesterday. I ahve the whole of this evening :0)))))) DB and I are totally back on track and I feel more relaxed all the time. Just need to get exercising again and I will feel totally coowell.

I am not sure about my fieldwork analysis... I mean, I really like it and I have lots of information that answers my (vague) research questions. So that's all grand. Only, I seem to have analysed it quite easily. I haven't used NVIVO. I haven't fretted over themes or justifying why I am asking some questions and not others. I just went through the interview transcripts and wrote down what was repetitive. Obviously the transcripts follow a format as I had questions for the interviewers to follow so I can easily draw out themes according to the answers. It's all been quite simple.

I suppose I should just be pleased rather than suspicious...

Anyway, am going to type it all up now then I can show my Sup tomorrow what the chuff I got up to in India and that it was, actually, worth it :0)

Am so dreading going to Uni tomorrow. Really dreading it! Am dreading being away from my baby - I hate leaving him so much! Am dreading the meeting. Am dreading missing my train home and being stranded while my baby needs feeding at home (should I drive? Is that just silly as the trains are every half an hour lol). Am feeling a bit stressed as I have lots of chores to do in Uni that I should do tomorrow but don't really want to spend the time doing them. Library etc. I might just not do them and stick to the meeting. I don't know why I am so skeered! Is really Very Silly. Mild agoraphobia I suspect - I have hardly left my village for a year let alone hit the City! Yep, that's what it is. I should go and be pleased to be amongst humanity as a normal person. And maybe buy myself a new top to celebrate being in a Big Place ;0)

Ok back to work. Well, must mash some tatties first, then am back to work.

Am so much happier! Thanks for sticking with me through my whining. I really hope that is all there will be and it will only be downhill (in the good way) from now on...

watch this space!

x J

While the baby naps...

I am busy working. I hope it's a long nap but think it will only be half an hour. I can't work when he is awake because he spends all his time whinging that he can't go on the laptop and pulling at it or trying to type!

I managed to do lots of work yesterday... was interrupted but seriously got my head down and got on and worked until 10pm. Came down from the office at about 6pm to enjoy halloween - I love the wee trick or treaters ;0) - and worked on the settee while DB shopped and cooked us dins. Very grateful so I was :0) Am still quite cross but am always cross these days!

Anyway, analysed and collated together my interviews from India yesterday and have some great info and have realised that I was trying to put together my chapter the wrong way. Instead of having the documental evidence at the beginning and then my research - both of which say the same thing - I should have it the other way around, so my research is the focus of the chapter and the documental evidence backs it up. Sounds so obvious now but honestly I have been confuddled about this for about a year! Will also need to change around the order of two chapters for the thesis to flow and means I have actually worked out my thesis completely now! Even the discussion now, I know what I want to say when I didn't before :0) How fab is that. Am very quietly delighted. I haven't told anyone as is just a small victory in a whole quagmire of stress and drama, but is really reassuring. All I have to do now (all... ALL) is write it... Great thing too is that my Sup wants to see my writing for this chapter tomorrow and with the documental evidence I have 3,000 wds down already :0) Today I have to get the skeleton of my research findings down. Let's hope the baby naps for a while! DB is out all day today so I am full time Mumming until hopefully he is back at about 5pm. Then I shall work all night. I reckon five hours should do it and then I should be well on my way to having the first draft of this chapter done with about 5/6,ooo words.

Hurray!

x J

Arse

Oh dear. My Sup wants to see me on Tuesday still. He wants to know what I am doing with my research findings in India.

Only problem is that I don't actually know. Anything. Not a sausage. Am still reading through my diaries and trying to work out my approach and remind myself what questions I am asking of the interview data! Oh shizzle. I have been crying my eyes out for about half an hour and now reached a point of oh my shi*ting hell what am I going to do. I am seriously stressed because, for a start, getting to uni and back is a problem without my baby as he will need feeding while I am away and I am still his source of milk. I won't be able to get enough for him in time :0( This is very stressful! And also something I don't want to spell out to my (male) sup, lovely though he is I am shy. Also I have no work. I am going to get in trouble. He already knows my childcare is up the spout and I haven't been working as much as I should do so is looking to be reassured by me that I am on top of stuff, even marginally. But I am not.

I don't know what to do. DB is being really supportive, saying he thinks I engineered this situation because I could have been working much more than I have and spent my time when we went South visiting friends and looking for houses while I should have been working. Like I went all that way not to see anyone, how rude would that be. And I did try and work, leaving Bean with Grandma but she couldn't look after him, he would just cry. That DB didn't even notice this speaks volumes to me. Like I want to be in this mess. I do confess that I have seen it coming. But I have tried and tried to talk to DB, to get him to help me and let me work to no avail and I can't do this, do the housework, cook all the meals and look after Bean full time without help. It's been like a runaway train. I hoped that when this did happen DB would see that I am not coping, that there is a point to my nagging, that I can't work without help. But instead I am being told off for not coping and not engineering better work situations for myself. I complain to him so much I am sick of myself. So I shut up and stay quiet, waiting for him to notice for himself and he just doesn't. So we must move house so I can have someone else look after him but if I look for houses I am in trouble (he doesn't look ever). Basically DB thinks I don't try to work enough. Maybe I should go on strike and stop cooking, cleaning and looking after Bean so he can see what not working is actually like. It is a very busy and tiring life! I adore looking after my baby but it is tiring and I need some chuffing support.

I feel better for letting that out. But am bored, bored of saying it. I want to leave actually. At least then I am only picking up my socks from the floor and washing my dishes when I am, apparently, skiving. Am so low :0(

Ok so what shall I do about Tuesday morning? I suppose I shall have to see what I can rustle up. My head is in a stressed fug of horror. It is halloween I suppose.

boo.
x J

YAY!

I've been able to do some work! Hurray!

I started at 9.30, worked until 10.45 when I had a break and got some brekky, then worked from 11 till 12, when I had a lunchbreak that ran over because I had to go out and get my sis a pressie, then started again at 1 and will work until my baby wakes up when I need to pack some clothes for us as we are going away tonight (for said sister's birthday meal) then will work until we leave at 3. I haven't let myself get involved in any babysitting or nappy changing activities, although it was close a couple of times ;0)

So, I have done over two hours of work today which is ace. I have had a few breaks for such a short amount of time but am still getting into having to stay sat down! I am happy to work for an hour with the knowledge I then get to bounce up and do something, and that is good enough for me at the mo.

Am reading through my fieldwork journals and is surprisingly slow going because I actually did some work in India! I didn't realise, but silly stuff like questions about aid houses and stuff that I didn't know about when I went out, I now know so much that I take it for granted as obvious! Is great reading through all my worries and workings-out re: research design and questions and social theory and methods and the volunteering. Is really useful and makes me realise that I would have otherwise done this thinking again while reading through all my notes which would have been a massive waste of time. It is also a really nice way of getting back into work. Quite reminiscent and relaxing yet very important - am taking lots of notes (of my notes)!

Anyway, best get back, just wanted to blather about my happiness. Can't really to DB because he is very tired and worried about work and his VAT return that needs to be done while I am up here taking up his time :0( Though we know why we have this arrangement more than ever; my friend's bubba at nursery is always ill and has a lack eye from falling down some steps (not cool) and my other friend's baby is so devastated at being in nursery (is there full time, a lot for a 10 month old not to see their parents apart from just before work and bedtime) he can't stop being sick and has gone on a hunger strike. Is so sad, how mums have to work because to not means we get absolutely no wage or financial thanks apart from child benefit. If you think how we all put off having babies until we are in our thirties and have a career, a mortgage, a nice car and house etc - then have the baby and realise on maternity leave what a bind it is living on one income to afford all these nice things you built up when you had two healthy disposable incomes... and the Mum just has to go back to work to afford that lifestyle still. Am so happy that DB and I have nowt (though hefty debt c/o my three degrees erk) and so we will build up what we can afford hopefully with me staying at home or working part time.

And am hating the new government. Really really chessed off as a Mum for sure.

Anyway, I digress!

Laters!
x J

Soooooo

We went to the South last week and tried to look around some houses and see how Bean was with Grandma - seeing as she would be looking after him so much if we moved down. I took some work and aimed to get a lot of reading done while I had some help with Bean...

Did it work? Did it 'eck! I know, I know. The houses are really pricey, and though we can afford it it is a big decision. And they fly out of the door within hours! Hours! So we would have to make a special trip or two down there in early Jan to get viewings and snap one up for ourselves - with petrol costing what it does these days that's £150 a pop! And on top of that we have a baby and people are not keen to rent to peeps with a young baby so we are finding out :0( Harrumph! But I do understand - If I had a property to rent I don't know that I would want a baby, even though I know how careful we are with ours! You can't be sure that other people wouldn't let their toddler draw on the walls etc etc. And THEN there is the fact that Grandma just is not good with Bean. She tries which is lovely but they just don't gel yet. I can't say too much but we would also want alternative childcare like a childminder - which of course we could also organise up here... So I couldn't work much during the trip because I had to go to Bean a lot, he would get upset if I left the room basically. Grandma couldn't divert him or cheer him up sooooo...

New plan then! We are starting, as of tomorrow, to try again with looking after him between us. DB says he feels dreadful about the predicament I am in and really wants to help. It is only for a few months, I just need HELP! So tomorrow I am meant to have the whole day (which actually translates until about 3pm as we have to go away again for the night for my sister's b'day celebrations. Eek) and then I am working next week to have about 20 hours I think. I have no work for my Sup to see on Tuesday tho. I don't know what to do about that at all. I am going to try and duck out of the meeting but have to think about how to do it. I will be honest but can't be too honest or I'll be in all sorts of trouble, and as yet I really don't think I am in such dire straits that I need to suspend. I have talked with DB and said I will suspend if something isn't sorted out, hence the new commitment to him cutting his hours so I can work. I really do want some official childcare help though because I just don't trust DB not to have to work. Not his fault, is just he works for himself and has to work for his clients! He just has to, he is the main breadwinner.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. While we were away I managed to start re-reading my methodology and theory notes and am feeling much more confident about how to go about analysing my research. I also have all of my interviews translated now bar one. Excellent! And I have my athens login sorted out so I can access journals again. All positive stuff. It just really is so pathetically small though in the face of the mountain I have to climb. I hope to get some good hours in tomorrow though. We shall see...

Oh, and I have a personal goal - I really want a holiday so we have decided to aim for a two week trip to croatia in June to celebrate my handing in my first draft. Am very excited about it and so am super keen to get my head down and resist faffing.

x J

Pfffffffffffff

I'm still not working. Still not. Am so worried, I feel like such a fraud and so horribly guilty.

My Supervisor wants to see what I have written by the 2 Nov. It is near impossible but I have said I will give him something. How? It's a nightmare. I did come clean about not working as much as I would like, but didn't say not at all. I am meant to be full-time carer for my baby, full-time housewife for DB and full time student for my Supervisor. I can't keep it up. something is going to have to give - I feel like such a liar.

I don't know what to do. The bind is that I can't afford not to work, but then I can hardly afford childcare either. A childminder would cost about £50 a week for two mornings. How do I find that? And moving South is great but the rent there is about £200 more a month, and we still won't have enough room for us all to live and work there and I will only have money until June. Then we are paying more and earning less and I am just so worried. I can't face getting into massive debt problems, I have hundreds of pounds of debt each month as it is.

I'm in such a pickle. I don't know what the solution is. I need someone to take care of my baby so I can work, but this can't feasibly happen until late Jan. I need to go to the library and work and work but down south this will be an hour long commute, and up here I can't get away for long enough. DB works all hours, or is playing tennis (e.g tonight). He doesn't ask me if I have work plans. Ever. He hardly ever cooks and does no housework. He doesn't look after Bean, rather he babysits often leaving a trail of mess that is there for me to deal with afterwards. I can't cope! I hate it! I am miserable and waiting to see my sup with no work done, in line for a massive ticking off is just so fu*king depressing.

I don't know what to do.

x J

Perspective!

RIGHTY I am ok. It is all ok.

I have decided:
Monday even' - exercise
Tuesday even' - work, 5.30pm - 9 (for now till am back in the swing of it and can sit still for longer than five minutes)
Wednesday even' - work, 5.30pm - 9
Thursday even' - off (DB likes to exercise then)
Friday afternoon - work 1pm - 5pm
Saturday morning - work 9am - 2pm
Sunday OFF.

This way I have two sets of two days in a row to get some kind of momentum, and I have a designated exercise evening. I don't have to work Monday (yuk, who likes working on Monday?!) and I have about 16 hours a week *to start with* and build up as I get some stamina and flow going ;0). Friday afternoons I plan to go into Uni and to the library, photocopy lots of articles and get out books. This will be a nice time for me to have to myself (who am I kidding, i hate being away from the bubs!) and I can get a fancy coffee and sit in the library and read for a couple of hours. I think it will give my week some structure and also help me have a deadline for books I have to take back/get out and, therefore, read. And because it is Friday, come 5pm I get the train home and am offfffffffffffffff! Nice!

I feel much better with this plan! I did do a bit of reading last night and have *told* DB I am working from 5pm tonight. I do go off Bean duty at 5pm, but won't start work till 5.30 - I need half an hour to myself! I get up with Bean at 6.30/7am so even by 5pm I have done a 10 hour shift. Knackering!

So from nothing and feeling like a right skiving failure, I now have something. 'Something' is very, very big news at the moment :0)

x J

Worried and stressed!

Oh 'eck.

Everyone told me 'don't ave a baby and while you're doing your PhD, it won't work' but I knoew it would. I would work with him strapped to me in a sling, I would work when he napped, I would work in the evenings when he was asleep, I would work on the weekends when DB could look after him. Loads of time! Turns out it just isn't like that - funnily. I can't work with him in a lsing, he wants to move and anyway, it's impractical ;0). I can't work when he naps - I have housework to do/dinner to cook/a cup of tea and a need to breathe... I can't work in the evenings when he is asleep - I have a house to tidy from a messy baby, I have emails and life admin to catch up on, a boyfriend to talk to, dinner to cook and am knackered from being at the back and call of a wee bairn all day. Or DB is out and I am on baby duty alone (am alone anyway but is that bit more stressful when on your own). And I can't work on weekends because he cries when he is away from me for long and I hear this upstairs and can't bear it.

Sooo, in a nutshell, it just is not happening. Even stripping back the work to being about reading rather than analysis and chapter writing, it is not happening and this is really depressing. It nags me and nags me. My baby has been demanding all my time the past couple of weeks with teething unhappiness, a very nasty cold and now a throat infection (poor bubs) and am knackered and just want to curl up of an evening and drink tea and eat food and re-lax. I have never in my life been so busy and tired out, and my time is sooo in demand it is untrue, with the baby and the work. I feel so guilty, so VERY guilty that I am not working and dread my Sup contacting me wanting to know what work I have been up to. None! None! How awful!

But I am slowly coming up with a plan. I need to schedule time in for work and be quitre strict about it, or DB rides roughshod over it - coming back from meetings late/going out to exercise/being late with finishing work - and it's my fault too for not enforcing it but then again, I don't want to nag about that *too*. How boring - and honestly, if it gives me an excuse to think 'I'll start tomorrow, tonight is too late bla bla bla' then I do.

I have to get a routine going. And so I have decided that Mondays = Off, and I shall exercise (am not exercising at the mo either. just looking after bubs and the house takes all my time). Tues = work. From 5pm for at least three hours. DB can look after Bean. Weds = Work, from 5pm again. Thursday off/exercise/ Friday off. Saturday = work - 10am - 2pm.

Though is scuppered immediately as DB and I are away this weekend and next week! Arg! I reckon though if I get at least 20 hours a week then that is more than half and I can swing it on that till I get to the South. It'll be ok.

Hmmmm... I think it doesn't help that a large part of me still thinks that I can't get a PhD. Ah'm far too stoopid ;0)

x J

Verdict

Sooooooo...

Spoke to Grandma (aka Mother In Law) and she said she would love to look after Bean as much as we need, whenever we need... So we are out of here! Oh my goodness! A whole new phase of life awaits. I am so excited - I really believe that moving South will do us all the world of good; DB will have all his friends to help him relax and make him laugh and a reason to stop working, we will have babysitters so we can go out once in a while together (!!! woooooooo!!!), I will have friends but also be able to make new ones I hope through ma and baby groups and settle in properly and Bean will have so many grown ups and babies to play with and adore him :0) Fantastic! Our quality of life will be better and so, hopefully, we will be les grumpy and insular and prone to combustion hehe. Having a baby is stressful! Workwise I will be able to work 20 hours straight off and will try and scrabble together an extra 10 - I reckon 30 hours of good work a week should be just dandy. I really look forward to it!

For now I am just going to catch up on books and journal articles and maybe go to a conference or two. I am meant to be getting three hours work done today but DB has been coming down with the Flu all night so doubt that will happen. See, if we were down south then I could just ring Grandma/Aunty and ask if they could look after him for a few hours for me and so my work could always be done. Up here it comes a definite third after Bean and DB's schedule (not that illnes is on schedule but you know, his work and fitness is! And he wouldn't consider battling through, just sits and whines as men are sometimes wont to do hehe).

Anyway, my bubs has come over to say hello and is trying to type too so I better sign off ;0)

Just have to let my Supervisor know. Think I might tell a white lie and say my childcare fell through.

UG the baby has been for a poo! Oh noooooooooooooooo!

x J

New Plan...

I talked to DB last night and I think, think, think we have decided to move down South in Jan... so for now I am sort of back on maternity leave. Well, rather than full on maternity leave I am going to really strip back the work I have planned to do. It isn't definite - we need to talk to Grandma first and see if she would be able to a) put us up for a month or two and b) look after Bean for me for a few mornings/afternoons a week so I can get some serious hours in. If she says yes then I will definitely calm the work down and revel again in being full time Mum with no other serious competition for my time and mental energy. If she says no (unlikely) then I guess we will need to consider a childminder. yuk.

I am going to read and catch up on the literature for the next few months, and pack up my house. I am going to be so so so sad to leave here, I love my life here and have made some ace friends. But am really looking forward to bringing up Bean around friends and family and other babies that he will know forever. And the sea and countryside. I will have to submit in December instead of September 2011 which is a bummer and means I will have 6 months of the PhD unpaid. But talking to DB he is willing to take this risk in order to keep us up here until Jan, and he totally understands that I can't work. I was so relieved! I was so worried he would tell me off for being lazy and be all 'where there's a will there's a way' which would have been so unhelpful.

All I can say is that I feel a weight has been lifted. I can concentrate on one priority - Bean - without any compromise and in Jan, with the help of friends and Grandma, concentrate on the PhD again. This isn't to say am not doing anything though - I am funded after all, I can't just stop/take a break. I will catch up on the literature and work most days - just not in the intense way that I was having to do before.

Phew!

Having a baby and doing a PhD isn't impossible. But it does mean you have to have a lot of people willing to help you out and look after your baby so you can work. And it has only just dawned on me that even at 10 months my baby is too young to do without me at the moment, and I am too knackered looking after him, DB and my house to work every night and weekend.

Now I just need to work out how I am going to package it to my Sup... Well, we'll wait on Grandma's verdict first. What a huge decision for us - moving south really is a Big Deal.

x J

Oh Crikey

I am having a nightmare of a time :0(
I have been away for the wedding... it was fabulous and I loved being a bridesmaid. It was so lovely! But now I am back and I just know that my working arrangements are not going to work. I know this because DB has forgotton already and I haven't had an opportunity to work at all. The idea that I could work on fridays and saturdays isn't going to pan out either - maybe I'll have friday afternoons, I can believe that. But saturdays are busy, either people want to visit to see Bean, or A wants to go out etc etc. And the evenings... I am so tired or on duty with a teething Bean... I can honestly say I have hardly done more than an hour's work since I started back last month.

So I think I need childcare help. Just two/three days a week so I can get my head down. I could work in itty bitty bits but arg, it is so hard to regain a thread of a long article, or keep the different themes in your head, or to keep up with new emails and conference ideas. Writing will be even harder. I don't know if I am just fussy or lazy, but I can't leave work, go back to work, leave work, go back to work and be any good like that. I need a clear space - physical and temporal - in which to get some clear work done. I can't put Bean in nursery because research shows that it is more harmful than beneficical for babies before they're two to be in a nursery environment and I won't do that to him. He is such a sunny, happy and secure little boy! DB doesn't like the idea of a childminder, and to be honest nor do I - it is hard to think of someone I don't actually know having such intense responsibility for my child. So the only option is for family, and the family are all down south. So we need to move south... But DB has work commitments up here until January that actually earn us a tidy sum :0(

I need to talk to DB. I hope he doesn't think I am blaming him for not giving me opportunity to work (he is always busy so doesn't do any childcare but I love doing it so whatever) or come up with more daft pie-in-the-sky solutions like'I'll cut back my hours!' or 'I'll do childcare from 5pm!' because it is rubbish.

I need clear time and a clear head knoing my baby is being looked after by someone who loves him. But what does DB want? And my supervisor? At the mo I would love to just leave the PhD largely until the end of Jan, when my baby is weaned and can be away from me in the day. At the mo he needs me too much.

Oh what to do?!

x J

Don't ask...

Did I work over the weekend? A bit.
Did I work this evening? A bit.

Oh dear. It isn't good enough! I have so much to do and am not doing it :0( In the evenings I am tired and still have house stuff to do... the weekend it is too noisy in our little cramped house (that I love). I wonder if I will get my act together. I am particularly stressed too because we are going away for five days to a friend's wedding down south (I am bridesmaid! Bridesmaid oh yes). Five whole days. It will be a month since I 'started' work when I get back and I would have done about 5 hours! Oh my God.

I need to pull my finger out, I only have 11 months left. ANd my reading list is getting longer and longer - which ironically I find really exciting and reassuring, and can't wait to get stuck into the reading. But, but, but.

Am going to go to bed and think and tomorrow I shall work :0) Maybe I need to set an amount of work to do, rather than a time? So I say, do this tonight/read this article. And then I do it and finish. Maybe that will be better. My time is so fractured between seeing to my baby who wakes a few times during the evening and needs a bit of comfort to settle again, between eatng and tidying up... I don;t just sit down and switch off at all. The only time I will be able to do this is weekends I reckon (as I get into it). And Friday afternoons I have too.

It didn't help that DB didn't get in until 6.30 tonight and I am meant to start work at 5. I am the kind of person that needs to start work when I say I am going to, or it sets off on a bad foot you know? DB can work anywhere, anytime. I can't. I am not very flexible! But I absolutely have to be or I will spoend the next 11 months waiting for a 'good time' to work!

Right, tomorrow I will work.

Ohhhh. I feel there is so much to do i don't know where to start!

At the beginning... find a paper, sit and read it, note refs, move on to the next one.
x J

Hmmm...

Sooo, I have stopped trying to work in the daytime and am now planning to work evenings and weekends! Tonight is my first night and so far I have been in bed for an hour of it with my baby who is seriously teething, bless him, and am posting here then off downstairs to eat dins and probably sit with my bubs who is now up and being cheered up by his father. Awww.

I decided to work in the evenings because daytimes are really needed by DB, as his work does need to be done in working hours, and he has never been so busy. It's such a nightmare, there's no way he can cut his hours. So it only makes sense that I work outside these hours and also when bubs is in bed. Because that is the other side of the story - I can't be in the same house as Bean and hear him cry and not intervene... I know this is Bad but it is physiological, hearing him cry sends my mum receptors wild and I am not an 'ignore him and leave him to cry' type at ALL. Anyway, all I do of an evening is watch tele and read (aka relaxing?!) so I will now work instead, then go downstairs and relax at about 10pm, though as work gains momentum I aim to work later than that. It is also ideal because it takes me a while to get into work and this way I am not wasting anyone's time by being useless and surfing the internet because I can't work out how to start my next section; and I can work for as long as I need to. The fab thing is as well, is that I have all day off with my son; to watch him grow and laugh with him :0) And go to baby groups and hang out with friends and no one is telling me I should be working. I hate morning working anyway, I'm too tired and lazy. I am a night owl - as anyone who has a vague knowledge of this blog knows ;0) Only problem is getting into it, it being late in the day and my brain naturally wants to think about eating something stodgy and sitting on my arse. And of course, what if my baby decides not to sleep... But he always sleeps is just tonight he is being a little weirdo :0)

Apart from my new working hours, yesterday I managed to plan out my lit review and to my huge satisfaction it is a) coming together and b) looks quite interesting. Only problem is the amount of work I have to do to revise and catch up on reading... eek! Sooooooo much! But I am reading solidly this week and the next two, then I shall see where I am at with it. Then I do hope to have finished the bulk of the reading I have to do. I do have planned to then work on a different chapter, but that seems daft as I will be ready to write up this one for at least the first draft.

Well, I better go. I don't think I am going to get any work done tonight but mainly because I don't think the PhD will collapse if I miss a day. Though saying that... To be honest, the baby has to come first but the PhD is a close second :0)

Till tomorrow then,

Night night!
x J

I disappeared!

Hehe, I disappeared! I have been working, but not with my laptop and have been avoiding the internet at night as it stresses me out! Hence no post.

BUT work is going ok! Well, it didn't go at all for a few days - more like a week - as DB had a huge contract deadline so I had to look after Bean. But I did do bits and bobs (which was about all I could do in my first week back after ten months off!) and was back on Tuesday. Met my Sup too and my new deadline for Sept next year is perfect according to him and he says I am well on the way to completion. What a relief!! I so thought he was going to put the frighteners on me because I have a baby and might be a bit preoccupied with him to work (true). I think - shallow tho it may seem - that the fact that I had just had my hair cut and that I am not massively fat or knackered looking and was wearing fashionable clothes (yes it is possible ladies out there) might have helped me quite a bit as he seemed a bit surprised and pleased that I was looking so well and, sadly I suppose for more knackered mums, 'with it'. We talked about writing up and he said about how if I have writer's block to remember that
a) Writing a PhD is very hard and part of what getting a PhD is all about and
b) I should only try and do three sentences when I am stuck. Just three, in a whole day and not ask too much of myself or beat myself up.
This was lovely advice and has made me feel so much better about it all. He also said that examiners will read the introduction very closely, so get that right, and also the conclusion and references. The rest they will skim read! They will generally read the introductions for each chapter too, but won't quibble over details too much - they are looking for a thesis and what backs up that thesis, a process of thought and of development. This was great to hear! Makes it all seem so much less daunting.

Then we talked about the VIVA and he said that at a uni in Oz they don't even have a VIVA - just hand in and walk away. This made me realise how important I think the VIVA is, even though I am very scared of it it is also a very important part of the process - it is where I get to explain and defend my thesis. I look forward to talking about it and hope I am aware enough of what I have said and why to be able to defend it :0) Blinkin' better be anyway.

So all in all a great chat, and am feeling all confident and pleased. As I always do after a meet with my Sup - I am very lucky I don't have one of those supervisors who gets off on making your PhD life difficult. My friend has one of those and she is always stressed and unhappy, whereas I have not yet been unhappy in mine. Very lucky indeedy!

Right, I better get back to work! Is Friday, I cannot believe it. At the mo I am working on catching up on my literature review and collating the info from my fieldwork. It is quite sad and made me cry yesterday, the work I do is sad sometimes. I have all this information and should use it to chase people up who have let very vulnerable people down and made them and their families even more vulnerable. But, I am a researcher. Maybe when the work is finished. At least the fieldwork did good while I was doing it even if the info is a bit impotent in my hands at the moment...

Am going to exercise tomorrow morning, then am working, and then I am going to drink beer and listen to bands at my village festival. Lovely! Oh, and my baby is crawling so will spend the weeked probably forgetting about that and leaving him on the floor to scoot off and find mischief when my back is turned ;0) I made him a beanie hat yesterday - has taken about 3 weeks of crocheting and unravelling, one beanie actually turned into a sun hat. A woolly sun hat! WTF?!

x J

First day done!

So I have nearly finished my first day back. I haven't done much to be honest, but I've only been working since half two and it is now nearly six. But I have done stuff! I have got myself a work space; organised my computer desktop and printed off the latest article wrtten by my Sup; organised the translations that I have managed to get done so far and chased up the outstanding ones; I have re-enrolled into Uni; and I have cleared my mind of the sadness and sulking that has been dogging me for the past month regarding my return to Uni. And I have sat in my office and thought about work and stuff, more than anything else.

Verdict so far?
It is a-ok! In fact, it is a pleasure to sit still and work on just one thing. It is pretty straightforward compared to being a full time mum and housewife! Just having one thing to think about is a joy. No multi tasking. No interruptions. No need to jolly someone else along. Just pure selfish time. Hurray!

I am still lacking a plan of action but for today I am satisfied. I am working 8-1pm tomorrow (8am?! UG! We'll see...!) so hope to get into the swing of things a bit more.

In the meantime, I am hungry and my baby is downstairs having some grub so I think I'll go and join my little family. First day back at work - success! Hurray! :0)

x J

Back to School!

Righty, I am officially back! I have not cried today and have set up my little desk in the corner of my office and actually like my new surrounds. I can't believe this is where I am going to finish my PhD...

I am now at a sort of stuck bit. I have so much to do, I don't know where to start! I am completely confused. I have to admit that I am also a bit hungover today which isn't helping. It's terrible isn't it? Hungover on my first day back! Yesterday I was really sad so DB took me to a festival up the road and we sat with bubs, a burger and chips and some cider and watched the Levellers and Seasick Steve and just relaxed together. It was so lovely and I got a bit tipsy. Then we came home, I cried, drank red wine and ate a chinese takeaway. Had a terrible night's sleep as you can imagine after red wine and MSG... and am dopey today. Bad rabbit.

Soooooooooooooooooo what to do? I have until 6pm then I am off! My house is quiet - DB has taken Bean out for a trip to the shops. I have to say, I have actually enjoyed today so far. This morning was lovely; I really appreciated my time with bubs but am also enjoying this time for being able to just sit down and have the luxury of just doing one thing at a time! No one is clamouring for my attention, I am alone and it is peaceful. I could get into this I reckon. Wouldn't it be odd if it turned out that the time I spend doing my PhD is actually, ahem, comparitively relaxing? Hehe!

Ok. I think I am going to turn the laptop off and try and do some planning in my PhD Brain. (It is a book, not an actual brain. Fnar.)

I am selling a lot of clothes on ebay at the mo, from when I came back from India being ridiculously skinny, and am really very chuffed to have made a tenner so far. Hurray!

anyway. Laters y'all.

I can't believe I am back. Can't believe it!

x J

Better now!

Oh I feel sooooo much happier now. It is my last weekend before I go back to work but I am actually looking forward to it now!

I had big chats with DB and we have divvied up the week and it seems that I will work every day bar Sunday, for about 5 hours a day. I have created two blocks of work time - either 8am-1pm or 1pm-6pm. I obviously can work evenings and Sunday if I want/need to. I reckon though that five good hours of concentrated work (and it will be concentrated, I do not have the luxury of relaxing and wasting time any more) would be as good as my old hours of 9-5. It seems I will work Monday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning, Thursday morning and Friday afternoon. I like this! Oh, I will work Saturday mornings too, which is ace as DB will spend that time cooking me breakfast, getting the paper and chilling and watching his footie programmes anyway. Sounds like a great set-up! So because of becoming all organised I now feel more relaxed and am looking forward to setting up my little work space in the spare room on Monday. I am not doing it in advance, I reckon it'll help focus my mind and gently ease me into work by doing it on Monday. I can't believe I have five hours to fill come Monday! Five hours is a long time! DB and I talked about how it will be lovely to share Bean as well, I reckon we will have so much more in common when we are both sharing the childcare and housework. I hope it works, I really do. I know DB is stressed about the fact he won't be able to work as and when any more, but we both agreed that it will be good to have proper concentrated time to work anyway rather than just *all* the time (he does work all the time).

So there we are! I have a meeting with my Sup on Tuesday the 14th so will work for that initially - getting a timeline and Plan Of Action. It is only down the road too, no need to even go into Uni. Am really very pleased about this.

Am so relieved!

x J

Back to work... hmmm not quite!

Well today is my official back to work date :0( BUT I decided to wait until Monday and start a) at the beginning of a week instead of the middle and b) when I know all the schools are back. It is comforting thinking that it is the end of the holidays for millions of people, and for my friends too (who are all teachers, bizarrely).

I am dreading coming back, I make no bones about it. Dreading it. How can I concentrate on anything other than my baby? My brain is completely feral, used to thinking about everything and nothing, picking up thoughts and dropping them on a whim. I am used to moving around a lot, cooking and baking and going out for coffee and chats and babygroups. I am used to being in company constantly! How will I cope being in a room on my own, away from my baby, having to read long books and words and, UG, *remember* stuff?! How am I supposed to think about international development issues when I am so focussed inwards towards my family? I wonder if it will change how I see my work, being more empathetic and understanding of the horror and fear of losing a child? This could be interesting. In many ways I feel alienated, remote, from my work now. My work is my child. I will be interested, and am desperately hoping, to find out that I do still love my work and care. I wonder if I am just daunted as all hell about getting back into it and cannot possibly do it. I also realise that I feel like it was a different person who did that work, and if you think about it I have changed profoundly since I last sat at my desk! I have become a Mum, to a child that is now nearly 9 months old. This is huge isn't it really, I shouldn't underestimate how that would make me feel. I am dreading getting all my stuff out - remembering at the same time how excited and relieved I was to be putting it away last December. So much happiness and so much to look forward to. I can honestly say that the last ten months have been the happiest of my life. Absolutely. And now it is all finishing. I have to work, I cannot just moon about with my baby, baking bread and going for walks on a whim. I have to hand over his care to someone else. (Well, actually me and DB are sharing his childcare so this really isn 't that dramatic but still, I am used to being his Mum! There all the time!)

My Sup has been in contact for a meeting, which is brilliant. He lives down south now so is great that he is up just as I go back to work. This will help focus my mind next week as I haveour meeting to prepare for, and he will bring me back to earth and am sure he will give me a deadline of some sort. It will be horrible, I know this because he knows that being a Mum means I will be that bit less disciplined (because Bean will come first). Seeing him will totally make me feel I am back to work too, which will be sad but also be very important in bringing together my pre and post baby selves. It is so odd though, how I get an email from him saying let's meet and I panic about when? How? With the baby - who will look after him? Because DB and I have to arrange between us when we are free and when we are working so I can't just swan off - I never can. It will be spooky going to uni, getting the train and going into the city and up to Uni, all on my own! Ug, I don't like it. I am never on my own and so rarely without my baby!

I know I am going on about bubs. But he is my life at the moment. I look forward to gaining a balance, where he is still my life but I am comfortable for something else to inhabite my thoughts and demand my attention too - knowing that there is room for more than just Bean.

I have so much growing up to do! I am such a wean in all of this. I look forward to sharing my journey :0)

x J

Perspective Gained!

Hurrah, I am feeling a lot better about the PhD now, and almost looking forward to coming back!

I had a visit from an old PhD colleague today and we had a good chat. I didn't realise that I have a writing up year still to use - I knew of it, but as a funded person I didn't know it was open to me. But it is! Other ESRC peeps at the Uni are in their writing up year now. Hurrah! I did have an email from my funding contact saying I was registered to be with the Uni until June 2012 but didn't believe them. I wouldn't be funded during this time, and would have to pay the Uni £400 odd to stay on but that will be ok. For a short while. So I have been thinking and have decided to extend the amount of time I have by three months. This way I will have September and November to get back into the work, catch up on literature and remind myself of my PhD and where I am with it. Then I shall have from Dec until June to get my fist draft down, completely, completely - referenced and everything. Then I shall edit and re-write until September when I intend to submit, with a view to graduating in December! All my ducks will need to be in a row though - obviously, I will have to have my Viva etc - all willing I will graduate in Dec. How exciting! My baby will be two then, I hope to have moved to the lovely South and bought a housey, and be looking to my wedding which is planned for May 2012. I definitely want to have finished for then. If I can't complete and submit in september for whatever reason - I spectacularly fail my Viva/can't get hold of anyone to do the Viva then I will miss the december graduation but this doesn't bother me too much, as long as I am graduate-ready :0)

So excited and happy to have a plan! And some space to breathe! I now feel that I can do it, that I am not going to be feeling so ridiculously stressed and cutting corners on being a Mum to get the work done, shouting at everyone and being constantly upset. It will be fine. It is a good deadline too because my friend is aiming to graduate then and it would be lovely to graduate at the same time as her, and hanging around after my colleagues have graduated would be rubbish. And the deadline is still quite tight, which gives me a reason to get on with it, rather than being so easy I can chill for a few months and waste time, or so tight I get too stressed and unproductive.

What is most interesting is that I have realised that I wasn't upset or stressed before about coming back to work per se, just trying to get it done in 9 months was upsetting me.

HUZZAHS!

x J

Only a Month Left!

Oooooh, so I have only a month left of my Maternity Leave... Work is playing on my mind. I am getting rather stressed! I am so happy to have my blog to come back to and let it all out :0)

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, I hope everyone has been well while I have been away playing at being Mother. I am out of the woods now I think as far as the 'baby' part goes, my son is now 7 and a half months old and getting rather grown up! We don't have any of the sleepless nights, the endless worry about his health, is he warm enough/too cold, no worries about how to feed him or why is he crying... we are just all rubbing along nicely. He is having a nap at the moment (I think it is a nap, he could be asleep for the night but who knows... Not I!) And so work and little dude... well, I am not putting the boy into any form of nursery. I don't want anyone else looking after him! And I am not, as far as I know, going to be working part time. What I think (naively, I am sure) is that I worked before, pretty hard, but skived a bit and had hangovers too... so I hope that without skiving and hangovers I can do full time work in part time hours... DB and I plan to share his childcare between us, so he works say 7am till 2pm, and I work from 2pm until 7pm. So we do almost a full day's work, just without leisurely breaks or chats. Just plain hard work, then back to chill time/family time. I wonder how this will work out? I am quite stressed about it, but that is because I stress about everything.

I am also stressed about how I meant to finish this PhD EVER, let alone in *drumroll* nine months. I know, nine months. How on *earth* is that going to happen?! I have found out that I have nine months of the funded time left and then a year afterwards that I can use for writing up - though no funding and really, that is dragging it out somewhat. I don't need that long, though am sure if I started to eat into it I could spin it out for that long. OR I could apply to go part time. This would be lovely and is my ideal option. BUT then my funding money is cut in half and so I would be relying on DB to help me financially a lot and at the mo we are trying to save up to buy a housey for after the PhD - and get wed! And again we have the issue of dragging the course out... So full time it is then. I have asked my Sup about going part time, I don't know what he thinks. Probably that it is not a good idea. He has left Uni by the way. I am sad! he is still my supervisor though, thank goodness, but that he won't be there to see and talk to when I go back in September is quite hard. Feel very unmoored and unsure. Who will help me stay on track?

I read somewhere that the PhD takes as long to complete as you have left. I should remember this and JFDI!*

So far I remember that I have written quite a lot and planned the rest. I need to read this and refresh my memory. I am currently getting my translations done from the interviews I did in India (this time last year - so soon and so far!) by someone very reliable which is fab. I am nervous though about what is in them... Thehn when these are done I can start thinking about what the Indian voice is, and the chapter that is for.

I am worried about all the reading I have to do to catch up for my lit review, but just to be abreast of current thinking. I suppose this can be sorted out by going to the library and holing up for a couple of days and reading through journal articles and racing throught the recent books. I suppose I only need to know as much as I need to know - sounds obvious but wow you can get bogged down in the reading and ponder over every chapter and nuance. Jut get the gist and move on I reckon.

Oh my baby cries :0( I have to go. I do feel better for thinking about this a bit though. Am so rambly in my head and really want to enjoy this last month as I'll never get it back.

x J
*JFDI: just fuc*king do it!

The Bean has Landed!

Hello all

Just to let you know that my baby Beanie arrived on the 15 December :0) He is tiny at 6lbs and very, very cute (of course I would say that!). Am knackered and loving being a new mum, but have to admit that the PhD is never too far from my mind and already am dreading coming back in Sept! How silly is that - we have winter spring and summer to get through first!

Have to say as well that after giving birth and surviving these first few weeks of being a parent to a newborn the PhD seems pretty easy in comparison ;0) Is just reading and writing, is all! Just slog. Nice bit of perspective.

Happy New Year everyone and good luck for the new semester!

x J