Sick baby!

Arf the baby is ill today so no working for me.  Well, I am trying to do a bit while he naps tho really i would like to nap too!

He isn't that ill, just a dicky tummy and bit of a temperature and he was pretty needy last night.  enough to keep him off the childminders but not so much that he needs medication or is that bad for me.  Am not complaining, am so very happy to have a reason to have to hang around with my wean ;0)

Workwise I have lots of articles to read that are fantastically current so should be back in the saddle with current debates relevant to my thesis soon.  I shall go into Uni next Weds and get the books that I need and update my uni card - it expired last July!  Don't think I can even get uni books out with it as it is, the system doesn't seem to recognise me eek!

Better get the work done while i can then.

G'bye!

x J

Better today

I am feeling much better today.

It was so nice to wake up this morning knowing the abstract had been done and handed in...  It is quite exciting waiting to hear back; I feel like I have actually done something proactive toward my future.  It really is somehitng considering I never wanted to have to do conferences, let alone apply for one off my own back.  How we change.

Today I am sorting out my lit review.  I have worked out which theme to start with and I have until 17 April to get on with this.  Then I shall review my progress. 

Now I need to go through any info I have already on this theme then look up books to get out of the library and journal articles I can download and print off.

Did some hard triathlon training last night - ran 2.5 miles to the pool, did an hour of hard swimming training (we typically swim a mile or 70 odd lengths in 45 mins) then ran home again.  I was *tired*.  Annoyingly though i was totally wired, my heartrate was still going like the clappers at 12am!

laters
x J

small triumph

I have sent off the abstract for a conference in June!

My first one all by myself, by which I mean I came up with the idea for what to talk about.  Trying to write the abstract made me realise how many different topics there are in my PhD, and how many different focusses, or ways to talk about things.  before I didn't know how people presented their ideas at lots of different conferences without repeating themselves all the time...  I did ask my sup to check it for me which very kindly he did.  Felt quite foolish because I also asked him to help me with my biographical profile and actually I am really glad I did cause mine was in tedious detail ;0)  Saved by the Sup.

Am off now, my baby will wake up any minute and am going to sort of relax and feel that I did accomplish something today.

x J

Bit better today

Ok so I am a bit better today.  Feeling more positive although still don't know where to start with work!

DB and I are ok again.  Phew.  I hate it when we fall out.  It is so so hard to organise work and childcare so we both get enough to to alleviate stress, and also try and have leisure time (always individually as obviously someone needs to be at home with bean).  Resentment builds up and then POP - massive fight.  Anyway, over that wee hill for a while.

  Physically I feel better than I did last week.  I was quite panicky last week and shaky and kept getting out of breath - not too far removed from panic attacks I think.  Work just overtook me and my confidence completely plummeted.  Instead of working yesterday I found some other blogs by Mums to try and understand how they cope (or don't which makes me feel in good company) and how I can improve my situation.  Didn't learn much but did feel that I am not alone and other women are out there doing it and succeeding, and I take heart in this ;0)

SOOOO for now I am tackling the lit review.  Off the top of my head I reckon I want this chapter done to a fab standard by June.  Maybe the end of June.  I can't see how it won't take me 6 weeks/2 months to do the reading (it really is going to be like a MA dissertation once it's done) and then writing it will be hard.  I need to think of the themes of my lit and have these as my subheadings, and I need to discuss each relevant paradigm and the substantive authors within them in relation to each other - and this is the tricky bit as if I know what I am talking about.  This knowledge will form the basis of my PhD and at the mo feels more important than any of the other work, which feels comparatively mickey-mouse.

So.  For today, work out the themes, work out which one I want to start on, start making a reading list and print off some journal articles to get started on.  And work otu a timeline for each theme to end in June.  Then do my abstract.

I am really looking forward to next week when I have Tuesdays off!  Weds and Thurs I work clear from 10am-4.10.  That is so long, I'll be able to seriously switch off mummy-mode and get into work.  And because it's only two days I will really understand that I have say, just 'today' and 'tomorrow' to work rather than a few days. 

I suppose what has happened is I had a crisis of confidence and couldn't see the wood for the trees, then realised that was what was happening and have faced it and tried to work it out.  Is hard though when you feel crap about it all.

x J

I stole this from http://www.thephdmom.com/the-phdmom-blog.html  My baby is napping and I am trawling the internet trying to work out how other Mums do this so I can pick myself up off the floor and bloody get on with it ;0)

  

 

'When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.'

-Author Unknown

Down

I'm still really down.  Can barely face work at the mo.  I think I am so stressed about it - especially as my funding runs out in a couple of months and I think I have to find £400 to stay on the course - that it is completely stifling any creativity.  I can't move in my brain for worry.

Life is pretty hard for me at the mo.  My relationship with DB is at breaking point; work is piling up and yet I seem to have less time or personal energy for it than ever; I have no money; and because I am stressed and worried my parenting is not that hot at the mo.  Everything is sh*t.

One good thing though - I have decided to put bean into childcare for just two days a week instead if three but for two hours extra on those days, so only losing 10 minutes of actual overall work time but gaining a whole day of fun times with my baby.  This should be fine with Bean now and will be excellent for me as it is summer and I want to be with him as much as possible.  It also means that - particularly now I am in the reading phase - I will have lots of continuous time to sit and read, instead of just a couple of hours.

That's another thing, I have so much work and really need to do it at weekends when DB can have Bean.  But we are so stressy with each other at the moment that i daren't ask for more time for the PhD.  I almost feel like I might have to jack it in to save my family.  DB thinks I should work more evenings.  I try and say about how tired I am in the evenings but I know it looks weak.  I should work more.  I wonder if he would understand more if he did nighttime parenting though.  We don't share it, I do it all night every night and rarely get more than 2.5 hours sleep in a row.  Then Bean and I are up, getting dressed, washed, breakfasted, cleaning up after breakfast then we are out and so on and so forth.  He goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, does more work.  I wash up, cook, tidy, put Bean to bed.  The only time I have to sit and be normal is about 3 hours of an evening around 8-11.  Obviously the last thing I want to do then is PhD work.  I am completely knackered and totally unmotivated.  I know I am whining and need to get over it - life is tough, I know, I know.  I am tired of being whiny.

I am so unbelievably sad and am just failing everyone at every turn.  What can I do?  Something has to give but I just cannot work out what.  I wonder if it would help if I worked out of the house - especialy while I am reading.  All i need are a notepad, pen and the book.  Maybe I should go into Uni and use the library a couple of evenings a week and at the weekend.  Then I definitely can't get blamed for not working enough, can't do housework (cooking, cleaning ooooh what i wouldn't give for a dishwasher ;0)) and DB can do more evening parenting with Bean.  Bean won't like this much but he's of an age where he can get over it after a few times i reckon.

Ok.  Deep breaths.  Onwards and upwards :0)

Thanks for listening :0)

x J

Peaks and Troughs

Bah I feel blue about work.

I realised the other night that actually my meeting with my Sup wasn't as successful as I thought.  I was reminded a bit that I need to read more, he mentioned that bean must be quite a distraction for me and also said, in response to something that I was explaining, that those ideas were not new :0(  I am sad about this and feel really stressed about it.

Also, I am starting a new chapter, which after completing one and feeling like you really know what you are talking about is always a bit depressing because you are at the beginning again - I know nothing for this chapter and have a heck of a mountain to climb.  It is the lit review - this is going to be very, very time intensive and er, Bean is a bit of a distraction ;0)

Also, I have the abstract for the this conference in June to write but my confidence is low and I am struggling to concentrate.  And I have a journal paper I want to write.  And jobs I need to look for in September.

So busy and worried.  Bit stressed - i have so far to go.  Although I have to tell myself that when the lit review is done I really am flying then.  When I *do* know the literature and the current debates the PhD should really start coming together. 

I hope!

x J

Ahhh

Realised last night as well that my Sup hasn't made a date for another meet!

We *always* have a date even if it is just the month we know we will meet in! 

He really is letting me go.

Booooo.  How will I cope alone?!  Stabilisers well and truly off...

x J

Ps

Am not going to apply for the job I found any more.  I am a bit sad about this actually, but it is full time and I just can't be only seeing my baby for half an hour an evening and at weekends.  Whatever they pay me.

HOWEVER, as I blithly mentioned below I *am* applying to present at a conference (where I woudl have applied to work as it happens) which is a BIG step for me...   I am so very scared - it is 20mins!  Jeeez.  but it shows that I do want to be ana academic - I need to get my CV up an running.  Get out there.  Eeeeeeeeek.  Plus I will need to sort out childcare etc etc but it isn't till June and I will have lots of notice if I am accepted to sort it out.

AND I am seriously thinking about nipping to Tanzania for a month to do some volunteering.  I would go with DB and Bean.  My friend has a charity there and the set up is fab, I am sure we would be very looked after.  Bean is getting older and more capable all the time, quickly perusing a few forums it seems that he would be fine as long as we were careful re: malaria, food etc but we are seasoned travellers so pretty savvy and NOT at all risky.  I have been so terribly ill abroad that I would always be super careful.  My other friend went with out for a month, she told me about it yesterday and I was so envious and automatically dismissed it as I have a baby.  But totally, why not take him?  Let's do it, I mean this is my life - I work in aid and development!  i have always dreamed of going somewhere in Africa and always wanted to climb Kilimanjaro - we would be able to do that!  Yeah man, let's go realise some dreams! 

I wonder if DB would mind if we went on our honeymoon?!  That may be a step too far... ;0)

Exciting times!

x J

Post sup meet

My meeting with my Sup went well.

It was more businesslike than it has been before...  Definitely less sup/student and more colleague-colleague.  Which is great - it means I am growing up and being more independent.  But I do miss my pats on the head ;0)  He said I am obviously doing well and left it at that, which is ok but hmmm...  I want to be told I'm doing brilliantly!  That my work is excellent!  I like that.  I am a sucker for approval - I blame it on the fact I did exams at the end of everys chool year since I was 6 and am hugely competitive...

It was a good meeting though - he helped me with a paper that I want to present at a conference in June.  The abstract needs to be in next week but that is practically written.  The joy of writing about stuff that I have actually written up!  My last conference I had to write the paper, then the presentation and *then* it became my chapter!  Nightmare!  He was pleased I had a conference to present at.  And he was pleased that I had actually written the next chapter already.  Hehe, yup am mega organised ;0)  We decided that my discussion chapter should be written after my lit review chapter...  which is going to be my next one!  Eeeeeeek!  i have always dreaded writing the lit review chapter.  BUT in another sense it is a lot of reading and guess what?  the sun is out with a vengeance so I can turn the laptop off and read outside :0)  hurray hurray!  I have so much reading to do it scares me a bit. 

I had a massively strong coffee and am completely wired.  I am quite sensitive to caffiene - it makes me anxious and shaky!

I am sooooo sad today that I can't get my baby and toddle to the park with him.  We have a huge, beautiful park about 100m away down through the village and a baby park next door with swings and sand etc.  We would sit on a rug in the park and bask and he could toddle around and pick up sticks and dog poo and eat sandwiches and oranges.  Then we'd go to the park where he could go on the slide and pick up cat poo.  And then we'd toddle home for a long siesta.  Instead, I am paying someone else to do that for me while I work :0(  I am quite sad today anyway because we came accross a dead cat on the side of the road on the way to the childminders and I had to call it in.  Someone's lovely pet.  So sad.

My sup said as well at this stage not to send him second drafts.  he said he normally sees the first one, then won't see it again until I send him the whole first draft.  Definitely cutting the apron strings!  I am sad about this, and really quite scared!  Only see the first draft?  So I have to put together the whole shebang my*self*?  What if it is crap?!!  I suppose tho, this is what one needs to be ana academic - i can't go to my 'old' sup every time i write something to check it is ok once I have a job ;0)  At some point I have to start marking myself!  And it was strange how he didn't have much to comment on, it was mopstly me asking questions.  It was *my* work, that I know about, rather than our work - or work that I did but he knew more about.  I know about my work now, I am the authority.  The more I think about it the more I realise that it was a meeting to cut the apron strings!  It is the equivalent of being told it's time to move out of the parental home and find one's own feet in the world.

I don't wanna!  Hehe but I suppose I must.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

x J

Another year older

Arg I'm 32.  And I look it these days.

So Beanie went in at 9.30 this morning.  Was ok though getting up is haaaard.  We are not a morning family.  Is fab though because i feel I have been working for hours and still have an hour and a half to go - previously I would have only half an hour before i had to pick him up.  makes me feel I can work on more stuff rather than just ugent stuff - which will be helpful when am reading.

Sup liked my second draft so that's cool.  Think one more draft should do it then onto final edit woooo!  Am not going to do that draft yet though, I need some time away to get perspective on it.  I am going to plan my discussion chapter and then leave it for the day (will take all today anyway!).  Tomorrow I am meeting my Sup at 10am eeeeeek.  Am nervous as always, but feel ok because I have sent him this chapter and he is pleased with it, and he has asked for an abstract of my next chapter which, if he means the chronological next chapter, I have already written to second draft level so can show off about that.  If he means next chapter I am planning to write then today's planning of the discussion chapter will be that.  Although I don't know if i should write that chapter next or do the lit review first...  Cause in the discussion chapter I will need to draw in all my favourite and recent authors and theorists won't I?  I mean, it is the Killer Chapter - i can't really write it and not be totally up to date with my lilterature?  And I am really, really not.  That is one thing I might get chided on tomorrow because I haven't been entirely honest about my lack of secondary reading.

Swimming tonight!  Am doing tumbleturns a-wooty! 

Aw had a lovely birthday yesterday.  we ate lovely fancy luncheon and went for a walk.  Bean was delighted with the idea of slopes as we haven't really let him roam outside yet!  And I got a photo album from DB filled with piccies of me and bean from when he was born (er, obv) until yesterday.  I was very moved and cried all over it :0)

Ug back hurts from sitting at the stupid desk for so long.  Am going to get some rays (sun is sheeeee-ining!) and hang up washing, then get some lunch and be back here for a final hour of work at 1pm.

x J 

Brain Dead

Wheeeee i just sent my second draft of my empirical chapter off to my Sup.

I don't really like it, it is a bit disconnected, I dont think the bits I just added really fit in - they feel a bit transplanted.  But that would be because I have just sort of stuck in a few quotes and a bit of analysis without really re-engaging in the literature.  because, for now, I can't be bothered!  Anyway, I think it may also be a symptom of the fact that I need a break from this chapter!  Sick of it!  hate it!  It is rubbish!

I am going to look at publishing something soon.  Very soon.  Will find a nice journal and set about changing this chapter to suit it and send it orf.  If I want a job I need to get published innit!  Seeing as this would be What I Do.

I am tired and brain dead.  A good sign I suppose!  Am off to get some tea, some toast and read a nice novel and then pick up the bairn.  He is in childcare from 9.30am next week, which will give me a whole extra hour a day to work.  Yippee!

x J 

Job application

I am going to apply for the job my Sup has nudged my way. 

It is very exciting!  I spoke to DB about it last night as obviously if i was to get it we wouldn't be moving down south but rather sideways to a city we have never thought to live in before, just for a couple of years.  I won't get the job as I have done no teaching and am as yet unpublished and I am sure there are a gazillion applicants - the uni is a good one in a nice place and at entry level so really Very Delectable.  However, the applying bit is quite exciting in itself.  That I am sticking my head above the parapet and seeing what is out there for me is a whole new life thang and shows lots of willing to DB who ahs always been sad when I have said i don't want to be in academia.  I have really realised though that I do!  I do want to be an academic!  I would be so proud to get a job, be lecturing and doing presentations and the like.  And the travelling would be cool.  And I asked my Sup if you can be a part time academic and he said with the budget squeezes on Uni's now it is almost normal to be part time.  Hurray!

I am hungry.  DB dropped bean off at the childminders this morning for the first time ever but still I am only just settling down to work.  I have been busy googling my friend from swimming and she is definitely the associate dean of my department!  Oh. Em. Gee.

Got to work.  have only today and tomorrow to try and finish this second edit.  Tomorrow night I am out exercising like a banshee at bootcamp and friday I am going to go out and drink lots of G+T to celebrrate my Birthday next week.  Hurray!

x J 

Hello Health!

Ahhh I am well again.  So well.  So very well.

I was so ill last week!  This time last week I couoldn't even look after Bean; DB had to take the day off work and help me.  Nasty virus.  I didn't think I would ever feel energetic again.  But I am just dandy and looking forward to thrashing around in the pool later for some triathlon training!

Workwise, I did some reading last night and am back to reading today in order to bumf up my chapter and make it a Second Draft.  I want this to be done by the end of this week so I can then email it to my sup and we can talk about it next weds when we meet.  That would be SUPER.

I went to London at the weekend to visit some friends and it has set me off thinking.  I *hate* London and have always said i will never go back there to live.  But actually i realised I hate camden and Kings cross and islington and Holloway and the touristy parts of London, but actually really like little (ahem, 'posh') enclaves of it like richmond (eek could never afford to live there!) and Hampstead (ditto) and reckon there must be a middle ground of nice housing and greenery and not so many tourists or high rises or, erm, people.  I have seen a few areas like this and am always surprised and think maybe I could do it.  I spoke to DB and he said that if he never gets to live in London (I lived there when we were newly going out about 8 years ago and didn't live together then) he would probably regret it.  I have always been adamant that I won't live there because I am a country girl and the lack of green depresses me, as does all the people - so many people - and the anonymity and claustrophobia of it all.  The noise of cars and busyness.  UG.  And of course I would *never* bring up a baby there.  But actually maybe it wouldn't be so bad for a couple of years - if I had a job too and we were earning decent money between us we could live somewhere nice.  As an academic or research fellow I am looking at over £30k for my first job (full time admittedly, there is a child care issue going on here but then it would only be for a couple of years).

And that brings me on to my second realisation - that actually I would quite like to be an academic, even though i thought I wouldn't at *all*.  As my course reaches a close I realise that a) I will miss it because I do really love my PhD and b) I have all this knowledge that will just go if it is not kept up to date and used.  What a sad waste!  What I didn't want about academia before I could do much more easily now Bean is getting older and doesn't depend on me so much.  I could go to conferences on weekends - they could come too even if it was somewhere nice like oxford - or copenhagen!  I am looking to start publishing and even the idea of presenting doesn't fill me with complete horror any more.  I would love to lecture - share my knowledge and encourage thinking and a love of my topic - and mentor MAs and PhDs...  And I would like some money!  ONLY PROBLEM: I don't want a stranger bringing up my child while he is very young.  Could I put Bean into full time care at 2 years old? (I ask this specifically because my Sup has given me a nod towards a lecturing job that is *right* up my street and would probably start in Sept.  Would certainly help with the funding issue...  Although that job isn't too far from my family so they could help with childcare.  Anywho...)  What I am trying to say is that i would love a job in academia, I have realised.  I wonder if before i was a) still in post baby hibernation mode where anything other than eating cake and looking after your wean is insanely daunting and b) didn't really think anyone would want me.  I am profoundly lacking in self confidence, but think that my Sup sending me the job application has made me feel good about it, like he obviously thinks I should apply because I could get it.

Anyway.  Thinking, thinking.  Am really glad I am starting to want to work in my field though, it makes me feel good.  I do love my topic and feel it is very important (the field not my topic per se!) - especially in these Tory-every-man-for-himself-infected days.

I jibber.  Must work.

x J

better now

Oooh I was poorly.  Today is my first since Friday where I have not felt feverish and sick, hurray!

Bean is also well and back with the childminder.  I hope he *is* well, am afeared he may regress and get ill and she will not be impressed!  I really need this time to myself tho, to chill and recuperate.  Well, disinfect the house, do washing and do banking and some work.

Going to get stuff together for student loans to show am still a non-earner and then hope to start some reading. 

x J

ILL

Oh I am ill.  So very ill.

The bean was ill on Thursday - sick and bad tummy and still isn't better :0(  And now I have it though am just feeling sick, is like a milder, more grown up form but insiduous and makes everything really hard to do.  Needless to say work has stopped.  Am gutted.  But concentrating makes me feel sick.  And the baby wants me to read him the gruffalo all the time which also makes me feel sick!

Am soooo sad that work has been interrupted when it was going so well.  Am not sure that I will work tomorrow; I think I will have to keep Bean off from the childminder's and may even take him to the docs as it has been nearly a week now. 

Being a working mum is so hard.  If the baby is sick all the plates you manage to keep spinning just drop and you feel so guilty for not working, for not earning your wages.  But what choice does one have?  I tell you, after this PhD is over I will do everything I can not to have to work until the youngest is in formal childcare (school).  It's just too stressful!  If I wasn't 'working' then I could always just be there for my child regardless of how well or ill they were.  That would be my job.  Really, having kiddies and a job is like having two jobs simultaneously.  Something's gotta give! 

x J

Working working hurrah!

Ah I am busy busy!

I did go triathlon swimming last night.  Oh Em Gee it was hard work!  Drills, drills and more drills.  Was absolutely amazing though, I will be fit as a fiddle soon.

And today I am working well.  I have some speed up methinks.  I know what I am doing and why, and am able to have more than one thing on the go at a time because I am on the ball.  Today I started reading theoretical lit (old notes) to add them into my work and realised almost straight away a brilliant quote that I can put into my last chapter.  So I opened it up and have started working on the amendments my Sup has suggested and realised I might as well keep it open and add the necessary theory as and when it crops up in reading.  So without realising it I have started on my 2nd edit (of three - don't ask me why three, it just seems to be the way i work) so hurrah!  And am concurrently (haha can you tell I am writing up?!) printing off newspaper articles on overseas aid from yesterdays PM Question Time and er, organising my birthday drinkies for a couple of weeks time.

I always hit my stride as it is reaching time to pack up, so am really looking forward to having that extra hour from next week.  Then I shall really feel that I have worked by the time I go to pick up the bairn and probably wouldn't have done that much more on a typical day anyway.

I am not exercising tonight so I will read through these newspaper articles in front of t' tele.  Other than that, onwards and upwards! 

x J

Spring is in the air...

Ah what a lovely sunny day!  And warm!  Hurray for spring.

So my baby is at the childminder's...  he hasn't been for the past week as it was half term but he just wandered off merrily when we got there, phew.  I will watch him for this and next week then think I will pop him in from 9.30-2.30, giving me an extra hour a day.  I really got into my work on Sunday having four/five hours to work in, rather than three so think is the way forward.

And I have good news!  My sup has read my chapter and said that it was excellent work and congratulated me.  WHEEEEEEEEEE!  Big smile on my big fat face.  :0)

Am feeling all good and good.  So I am now to get my reheated coffee, bung some clothes in the washing machine and will work until 1pm, so just over an hour.  I am reading today, collecting journal papers and getting up on current debates in my field and I have a government white paper to read too.  Then I will have lunch and jeez I guess I will only have just over half an hour until I get the baby back!  I have no time!  I really do need that extra hour.  I must remember not to get bogged down in the reading, that at this stage the gist will do as long as I know what it is saying, what I think of it, and how it fits into my thesis all is well.

Later I have triathlon swimming training.  It is death but really ace.

G'bah!

x J

Laters!
x J