Oh dear. My Sup wants to see me on Tuesday still. He wants to know what I am doing with my research findings in India.
Only problem is that I don't actually know. Anything. Not a sausage. Am still reading through my diaries and trying to work out my approach and remind myself what questions I am asking of the interview data! Oh shizzle. I have been crying my eyes out for about half an hour and now reached a point of oh my shi*ting hell what am I going to do. I am seriously stressed because, for a start, getting to uni and back is a problem without my baby as he will need feeding while I am away and I am still his source of milk. I won't be able to get enough for him in time :0( This is very stressful! And also something I don't want to spell out to my (male) sup, lovely though he is I am shy. Also I have no work. I am going to get in trouble. He already knows my childcare is up the spout and I haven't been working as much as I should do so is looking to be reassured by me that I am on top of stuff, even marginally. But I am not.
I don't know what to do. DB is being really supportive, saying he thinks I engineered this situation because I could have been working much more than I have and spent my time when we went South visiting friends and looking for houses while I should have been working. Like I went all that way not to see anyone, how rude would that be. And I did try and work, leaving Bean with Grandma but she couldn't look after him, he would just cry. That DB didn't even notice this speaks volumes to me. Like I want to be in this mess. I do confess that I have seen it coming. But I have tried and tried to talk to DB, to get him to help me and let me work to no avail and I can't do this, do the housework, cook all the meals and look after Bean full time without help. It's been like a runaway train. I hoped that when this did happen DB would see that I am not coping, that there is a point to my nagging, that I can't work without help. But instead I am being told off for not coping and not engineering better work situations for myself. I complain to him so much I am sick of myself. So I shut up and stay quiet, waiting for him to notice for himself and he just doesn't. So we must move house so I can have someone else look after him but if I look for houses I am in trouble (he doesn't look ever). Basically DB thinks I don't try to work enough. Maybe I should go on strike and stop cooking, cleaning and looking after Bean so he can see what not working is actually like. It is a very busy and tiring life! I adore looking after my baby but it is tiring and I need some chuffing support.
I feel better for letting that out. But am bored, bored of saying it. I want to leave actually. At least then I am only picking up my socks from the floor and washing my dishes when I am, apparently, skiving. Am so low :0(
Ok so what shall I do about Tuesday morning? I suppose I shall have to see what I can rustle up. My head is in a stressed fug of horror. It is halloween I suppose.
boo.
x J
Sunday 31 October 2010
Friday 29 October 2010
YAY!
I've been able to do some work! Hurray!
I started at 9.30, worked until 10.45 when I had a break and got some brekky, then worked from 11 till 12, when I had a lunchbreak that ran over because I had to go out and get my sis a pressie, then started again at 1 and will work until my baby wakes up when I need to pack some clothes for us as we are going away tonight (for said sister's birthday meal) then will work until we leave at 3. I haven't let myself get involved in any babysitting or nappy changing activities, although it was close a couple of times ;0)
So, I have done over two hours of work today which is ace. I have had a few breaks for such a short amount of time but am still getting into having to stay sat down! I am happy to work for an hour with the knowledge I then get to bounce up and do something, and that is good enough for me at the mo.
Am reading through my fieldwork journals and is surprisingly slow going because I actually did some work in India! I didn't realise, but silly stuff like questions about aid houses and stuff that I didn't know about when I went out, I now know so much that I take it for granted as obvious! Is great reading through all my worries and workings-out re: research design and questions and social theory and methods and the volunteering. Is really useful and makes me realise that I would have otherwise done this thinking again while reading through all my notes which would have been a massive waste of time. It is also a really nice way of getting back into work. Quite reminiscent and relaxing yet very important - am taking lots of notes (of my notes)!
Anyway, best get back, just wanted to blather about my happiness. Can't really to DB because he is very tired and worried about work and his VAT return that needs to be done while I am up here taking up his time :0( Though we know why we have this arrangement more than ever; my friend's bubba at nursery is always ill and has a lack eye from falling down some steps (not cool) and my other friend's baby is so devastated at being in nursery (is there full time, a lot for a 10 month old not to see their parents apart from just before work and bedtime) he can't stop being sick and has gone on a hunger strike. Is so sad, how mums have to work because to not means we get absolutely no wage or financial thanks apart from child benefit. If you think how we all put off having babies until we are in our thirties and have a career, a mortgage, a nice car and house etc - then have the baby and realise on maternity leave what a bind it is living on one income to afford all these nice things you built up when you had two healthy disposable incomes... and the Mum just has to go back to work to afford that lifestyle still. Am so happy that DB and I have nowt (though hefty debt c/o my three degrees erk) and so we will build up what we can afford hopefully with me staying at home or working part time.
And am hating the new government. Really really chessed off as a Mum for sure.
Anyway, I digress!
Laters!
x J
I started at 9.30, worked until 10.45 when I had a break and got some brekky, then worked from 11 till 12, when I had a lunchbreak that ran over because I had to go out and get my sis a pressie, then started again at 1 and will work until my baby wakes up when I need to pack some clothes for us as we are going away tonight (for said sister's birthday meal) then will work until we leave at 3. I haven't let myself get involved in any babysitting or nappy changing activities, although it was close a couple of times ;0)
So, I have done over two hours of work today which is ace. I have had a few breaks for such a short amount of time but am still getting into having to stay sat down! I am happy to work for an hour with the knowledge I then get to bounce up and do something, and that is good enough for me at the mo.
Am reading through my fieldwork journals and is surprisingly slow going because I actually did some work in India! I didn't realise, but silly stuff like questions about aid houses and stuff that I didn't know about when I went out, I now know so much that I take it for granted as obvious! Is great reading through all my worries and workings-out re: research design and questions and social theory and methods and the volunteering. Is really useful and makes me realise that I would have otherwise done this thinking again while reading through all my notes which would have been a massive waste of time. It is also a really nice way of getting back into work. Quite reminiscent and relaxing yet very important - am taking lots of notes (of my notes)!
Anyway, best get back, just wanted to blather about my happiness. Can't really to DB because he is very tired and worried about work and his VAT return that needs to be done while I am up here taking up his time :0( Though we know why we have this arrangement more than ever; my friend's bubba at nursery is always ill and has a lack eye from falling down some steps (not cool) and my other friend's baby is so devastated at being in nursery (is there full time, a lot for a 10 month old not to see their parents apart from just before work and bedtime) he can't stop being sick and has gone on a hunger strike. Is so sad, how mums have to work because to not means we get absolutely no wage or financial thanks apart from child benefit. If you think how we all put off having babies until we are in our thirties and have a career, a mortgage, a nice car and house etc - then have the baby and realise on maternity leave what a bind it is living on one income to afford all these nice things you built up when you had two healthy disposable incomes... and the Mum just has to go back to work to afford that lifestyle still. Am so happy that DB and I have nowt (though hefty debt c/o my three degrees erk) and so we will build up what we can afford hopefully with me staying at home or working part time.
And am hating the new government. Really really chessed off as a Mum for sure.
Anyway, I digress!
Laters!
x J
Thursday 28 October 2010
Soooooo
We went to the South last week and tried to look around some houses and see how Bean was with Grandma - seeing as she would be looking after him so much if we moved down. I took some work and aimed to get a lot of reading done while I had some help with Bean...
Did it work? Did it 'eck! I know, I know. The houses are really pricey, and though we can afford it it is a big decision. And they fly out of the door within hours! Hours! So we would have to make a special trip or two down there in early Jan to get viewings and snap one up for ourselves - with petrol costing what it does these days that's £150 a pop! And on top of that we have a baby and people are not keen to rent to peeps with a young baby so we are finding out :0( Harrumph! But I do understand - If I had a property to rent I don't know that I would want a baby, even though I know how careful we are with ours! You can't be sure that other people wouldn't let their toddler draw on the walls etc etc. And THEN there is the fact that Grandma just is not good with Bean. She tries which is lovely but they just don't gel yet. I can't say too much but we would also want alternative childcare like a childminder - which of course we could also organise up here... So I couldn't work much during the trip because I had to go to Bean a lot, he would get upset if I left the room basically. Grandma couldn't divert him or cheer him up sooooo...
New plan then! We are starting, as of tomorrow, to try again with looking after him between us. DB says he feels dreadful about the predicament I am in and really wants to help. It is only for a few months, I just need HELP! So tomorrow I am meant to have the whole day (which actually translates until about 3pm as we have to go away again for the night for my sister's b'day celebrations. Eek) and then I am working next week to have about 20 hours I think. I have no work for my Sup to see on Tuesday tho. I don't know what to do about that at all. I am going to try and duck out of the meeting but have to think about how to do it. I will be honest but can't be too honest or I'll be in all sorts of trouble, and as yet I really don't think I am in such dire straits that I need to suspend. I have talked with DB and said I will suspend if something isn't sorted out, hence the new commitment to him cutting his hours so I can work. I really do want some official childcare help though because I just don't trust DB not to have to work. Not his fault, is just he works for himself and has to work for his clients! He just has to, he is the main breadwinner.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. While we were away I managed to start re-reading my methodology and theory notes and am feeling much more confident about how to go about analysing my research. I also have all of my interviews translated now bar one. Excellent! And I have my athens login sorted out so I can access journals again. All positive stuff. It just really is so pathetically small though in the face of the mountain I have to climb. I hope to get some good hours in tomorrow though. We shall see...
Oh, and I have a personal goal - I really want a holiday so we have decided to aim for a two week trip to croatia in June to celebrate my handing in my first draft. Am very excited about it and so am super keen to get my head down and resist faffing.
x J
Did it work? Did it 'eck! I know, I know. The houses are really pricey, and though we can afford it it is a big decision. And they fly out of the door within hours! Hours! So we would have to make a special trip or two down there in early Jan to get viewings and snap one up for ourselves - with petrol costing what it does these days that's £150 a pop! And on top of that we have a baby and people are not keen to rent to peeps with a young baby so we are finding out :0( Harrumph! But I do understand - If I had a property to rent I don't know that I would want a baby, even though I know how careful we are with ours! You can't be sure that other people wouldn't let their toddler draw on the walls etc etc. And THEN there is the fact that Grandma just is not good with Bean. She tries which is lovely but they just don't gel yet. I can't say too much but we would also want alternative childcare like a childminder - which of course we could also organise up here... So I couldn't work much during the trip because I had to go to Bean a lot, he would get upset if I left the room basically. Grandma couldn't divert him or cheer him up sooooo...
New plan then! We are starting, as of tomorrow, to try again with looking after him between us. DB says he feels dreadful about the predicament I am in and really wants to help. It is only for a few months, I just need HELP! So tomorrow I am meant to have the whole day (which actually translates until about 3pm as we have to go away again for the night for my sister's b'day celebrations. Eek) and then I am working next week to have about 20 hours I think. I have no work for my Sup to see on Tuesday tho. I don't know what to do about that at all. I am going to try and duck out of the meeting but have to think about how to do it. I will be honest but can't be too honest or I'll be in all sorts of trouble, and as yet I really don't think I am in such dire straits that I need to suspend. I have talked with DB and said I will suspend if something isn't sorted out, hence the new commitment to him cutting his hours so I can work. I really do want some official childcare help though because I just don't trust DB not to have to work. Not his fault, is just he works for himself and has to work for his clients! He just has to, he is the main breadwinner.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. While we were away I managed to start re-reading my methodology and theory notes and am feeling much more confident about how to go about analysing my research. I also have all of my interviews translated now bar one. Excellent! And I have my athens login sorted out so I can access journals again. All positive stuff. It just really is so pathetically small though in the face of the mountain I have to climb. I hope to get some good hours in tomorrow though. We shall see...
Oh, and I have a personal goal - I really want a holiday so we have decided to aim for a two week trip to croatia in June to celebrate my handing in my first draft. Am very excited about it and so am super keen to get my head down and resist faffing.
x J
Wednesday 20 October 2010
Pfffffffffffff
I'm still not working. Still not. Am so worried, I feel like such a fraud and so horribly guilty.
My Supervisor wants to see what I have written by the 2 Nov. It is near impossible but I have said I will give him something. How? It's a nightmare. I did come clean about not working as much as I would like, but didn't say not at all. I am meant to be full-time carer for my baby, full-time housewife for DB and full time student for my Supervisor. I can't keep it up. something is going to have to give - I feel like such a liar.
I don't know what to do. The bind is that I can't afford not to work, but then I can hardly afford childcare either. A childminder would cost about £50 a week for two mornings. How do I find that? And moving South is great but the rent there is about £200 more a month, and we still won't have enough room for us all to live and work there and I will only have money until June. Then we are paying more and earning less and I am just so worried. I can't face getting into massive debt problems, I have hundreds of pounds of debt each month as it is.
I'm in such a pickle. I don't know what the solution is. I need someone to take care of my baby so I can work, but this can't feasibly happen until late Jan. I need to go to the library and work and work but down south this will be an hour long commute, and up here I can't get away for long enough. DB works all hours, or is playing tennis (e.g tonight). He doesn't ask me if I have work plans. Ever. He hardly ever cooks and does no housework. He doesn't look after Bean, rather he babysits often leaving a trail of mess that is there for me to deal with afterwards. I can't cope! I hate it! I am miserable and waiting to see my sup with no work done, in line for a massive ticking off is just so fu*king depressing.
I don't know what to do.
x J
My Supervisor wants to see what I have written by the 2 Nov. It is near impossible but I have said I will give him something. How? It's a nightmare. I did come clean about not working as much as I would like, but didn't say not at all. I am meant to be full-time carer for my baby, full-time housewife for DB and full time student for my Supervisor. I can't keep it up. something is going to have to give - I feel like such a liar.
I don't know what to do. The bind is that I can't afford not to work, but then I can hardly afford childcare either. A childminder would cost about £50 a week for two mornings. How do I find that? And moving South is great but the rent there is about £200 more a month, and we still won't have enough room for us all to live and work there and I will only have money until June. Then we are paying more and earning less and I am just so worried. I can't face getting into massive debt problems, I have hundreds of pounds of debt each month as it is.
I'm in such a pickle. I don't know what the solution is. I need someone to take care of my baby so I can work, but this can't feasibly happen until late Jan. I need to go to the library and work and work but down south this will be an hour long commute, and up here I can't get away for long enough. DB works all hours, or is playing tennis (e.g tonight). He doesn't ask me if I have work plans. Ever. He hardly ever cooks and does no housework. He doesn't look after Bean, rather he babysits often leaving a trail of mess that is there for me to deal with afterwards. I can't cope! I hate it! I am miserable and waiting to see my sup with no work done, in line for a massive ticking off is just so fu*king depressing.
I don't know what to do.
x J
Wednesday 13 October 2010
Perspective!
RIGHTY I am ok. It is all ok.
I have decided:
Monday even' - exercise
Tuesday even' - work, 5.30pm - 9 (for now till am back in the swing of it and can sit still for longer than five minutes)
Wednesday even' - work, 5.30pm - 9
Thursday even' - off (DB likes to exercise then)
Friday afternoon - work 1pm - 5pm
Saturday morning - work 9am - 2pm
Sunday OFF.
This way I have two sets of two days in a row to get some kind of momentum, and I have a designated exercise evening. I don't have to work Monday (yuk, who likes working on Monday?!) and I have about 16 hours a week *to start with* and build up as I get some stamina and flow going ;0). Friday afternoons I plan to go into Uni and to the library, photocopy lots of articles and get out books. This will be a nice time for me to have to myself (who am I kidding, i hate being away from the bubs!) and I can get a fancy coffee and sit in the library and read for a couple of hours. I think it will give my week some structure and also help me have a deadline for books I have to take back/get out and, therefore, read. And because it is Friday, come 5pm I get the train home and am offfffffffffffffff! Nice!
I feel much better with this plan! I did do a bit of reading last night and have *told* DB I am working from 5pm tonight. I do go off Bean duty at 5pm, but won't start work till 5.30 - I need half an hour to myself! I get up with Bean at 6.30/7am so even by 5pm I have done a 10 hour shift. Knackering!
So from nothing and feeling like a right skiving failure, I now have something. 'Something' is very, very big news at the moment :0)
x J
I have decided:
Monday even' - exercise
Tuesday even' - work, 5.30pm - 9 (for now till am back in the swing of it and can sit still for longer than five minutes)
Wednesday even' - work, 5.30pm - 9
Thursday even' - off (DB likes to exercise then)
Friday afternoon - work 1pm - 5pm
Saturday morning - work 9am - 2pm
Sunday OFF.
This way I have two sets of two days in a row to get some kind of momentum, and I have a designated exercise evening. I don't have to work Monday (yuk, who likes working on Monday?!) and I have about 16 hours a week *to start with* and build up as I get some stamina and flow going ;0). Friday afternoons I plan to go into Uni and to the library, photocopy lots of articles and get out books. This will be a nice time for me to have to myself (who am I kidding, i hate being away from the bubs!) and I can get a fancy coffee and sit in the library and read for a couple of hours. I think it will give my week some structure and also help me have a deadline for books I have to take back/get out and, therefore, read. And because it is Friday, come 5pm I get the train home and am offfffffffffffffff! Nice!
I feel much better with this plan! I did do a bit of reading last night and have *told* DB I am working from 5pm tonight. I do go off Bean duty at 5pm, but won't start work till 5.30 - I need half an hour to myself! I get up with Bean at 6.30/7am so even by 5pm I have done a 10 hour shift. Knackering!
So from nothing and feeling like a right skiving failure, I now have something. 'Something' is very, very big news at the moment :0)
x J
Tuesday 12 October 2010
Worried and stressed!
Oh 'eck.
Everyone told me 'don't ave a baby and while you're doing your PhD, it won't work' but I knoew it would. I would work with him strapped to me in a sling, I would work when he napped, I would work in the evenings when he was asleep, I would work on the weekends when DB could look after him. Loads of time! Turns out it just isn't like that - funnily. I can't work with him in a lsing, he wants to move and anyway, it's impractical ;0). I can't work when he naps - I have housework to do/dinner to cook/a cup of tea and a need to breathe... I can't work in the evenings when he is asleep - I have a house to tidy from a messy baby, I have emails and life admin to catch up on, a boyfriend to talk to, dinner to cook and am knackered from being at the back and call of a wee bairn all day. Or DB is out and I am on baby duty alone (am alone anyway but is that bit more stressful when on your own). And I can't work on weekends because he cries when he is away from me for long and I hear this upstairs and can't bear it.
Sooo, in a nutshell, it just is not happening. Even stripping back the work to being about reading rather than analysis and chapter writing, it is not happening and this is really depressing. It nags me and nags me. My baby has been demanding all my time the past couple of weeks with teething unhappiness, a very nasty cold and now a throat infection (poor bubs) and am knackered and just want to curl up of an evening and drink tea and eat food and re-lax. I have never in my life been so busy and tired out, and my time is sooo in demand it is untrue, with the baby and the work. I feel so guilty, so VERY guilty that I am not working and dread my Sup contacting me wanting to know what work I have been up to. None! None! How awful!
But I am slowly coming up with a plan. I need to schedule time in for work and be quitre strict about it, or DB rides roughshod over it - coming back from meetings late/going out to exercise/being late with finishing work - and it's my fault too for not enforcing it but then again, I don't want to nag about that *too*. How boring - and honestly, if it gives me an excuse to think 'I'll start tomorrow, tonight is too late bla bla bla' then I do.
I have to get a routine going. And so I have decided that Mondays = Off, and I shall exercise (am not exercising at the mo either. just looking after bubs and the house takes all my time). Tues = work. From 5pm for at least three hours. DB can look after Bean. Weds = Work, from 5pm again. Thursday off/exercise/ Friday off. Saturday = work - 10am - 2pm.
Though is scuppered immediately as DB and I are away this weekend and next week! Arg! I reckon though if I get at least 20 hours a week then that is more than half and I can swing it on that till I get to the South. It'll be ok.
Hmmmm... I think it doesn't help that a large part of me still thinks that I can't get a PhD. Ah'm far too stoopid ;0)
x J
Everyone told me 'don't ave a baby and while you're doing your PhD, it won't work' but I knoew it would. I would work with him strapped to me in a sling, I would work when he napped, I would work in the evenings when he was asleep, I would work on the weekends when DB could look after him. Loads of time! Turns out it just isn't like that - funnily. I can't work with him in a lsing, he wants to move and anyway, it's impractical ;0). I can't work when he naps - I have housework to do/dinner to cook/a cup of tea and a need to breathe... I can't work in the evenings when he is asleep - I have a house to tidy from a messy baby, I have emails and life admin to catch up on, a boyfriend to talk to, dinner to cook and am knackered from being at the back and call of a wee bairn all day. Or DB is out and I am on baby duty alone (am alone anyway but is that bit more stressful when on your own). And I can't work on weekends because he cries when he is away from me for long and I hear this upstairs and can't bear it.
Sooo, in a nutshell, it just is not happening. Even stripping back the work to being about reading rather than analysis and chapter writing, it is not happening and this is really depressing. It nags me and nags me. My baby has been demanding all my time the past couple of weeks with teething unhappiness, a very nasty cold and now a throat infection (poor bubs) and am knackered and just want to curl up of an evening and drink tea and eat food and re-lax. I have never in my life been so busy and tired out, and my time is sooo in demand it is untrue, with the baby and the work. I feel so guilty, so VERY guilty that I am not working and dread my Sup contacting me wanting to know what work I have been up to. None! None! How awful!
But I am slowly coming up with a plan. I need to schedule time in for work and be quitre strict about it, or DB rides roughshod over it - coming back from meetings late/going out to exercise/being late with finishing work - and it's my fault too for not enforcing it but then again, I don't want to nag about that *too*. How boring - and honestly, if it gives me an excuse to think 'I'll start tomorrow, tonight is too late bla bla bla' then I do.
I have to get a routine going. And so I have decided that Mondays = Off, and I shall exercise (am not exercising at the mo either. just looking after bubs and the house takes all my time). Tues = work. From 5pm for at least three hours. DB can look after Bean. Weds = Work, from 5pm again. Thursday off/exercise/ Friday off. Saturday = work - 10am - 2pm.
Though is scuppered immediately as DB and I are away this weekend and next week! Arg! I reckon though if I get at least 20 hours a week then that is more than half and I can swing it on that till I get to the South. It'll be ok.
Hmmmm... I think it doesn't help that a large part of me still thinks that I can't get a PhD. Ah'm far too stoopid ;0)
x J
Saturday 9 October 2010
Verdict
Sooooooo...
Spoke to Grandma (aka Mother In Law) and she said she would love to look after Bean as much as we need, whenever we need... So we are out of here! Oh my goodness! A whole new phase of life awaits. I am so excited - I really believe that moving South will do us all the world of good; DB will have all his friends to help him relax and make him laugh and a reason to stop working, we will have babysitters so we can go out once in a while together (!!! woooooooo!!!), I will have friends but also be able to make new ones I hope through ma and baby groups and settle in properly and Bean will have so many grown ups and babies to play with and adore him :0) Fantastic! Our quality of life will be better and so, hopefully, we will be les grumpy and insular and prone to combustion hehe. Having a baby is stressful! Workwise I will be able to work 20 hours straight off and will try and scrabble together an extra 10 - I reckon 30 hours of good work a week should be just dandy. I really look forward to it!
For now I am just going to catch up on books and journal articles and maybe go to a conference or two. I am meant to be getting three hours work done today but DB has been coming down with the Flu all night so doubt that will happen. See, if we were down south then I could just ring Grandma/Aunty and ask if they could look after him for a few hours for me and so my work could always be done. Up here it comes a definite third after Bean and DB's schedule (not that illnes is on schedule but you know, his work and fitness is! And he wouldn't consider battling through, just sits and whines as men are sometimes wont to do hehe).
Anyway, my bubs has come over to say hello and is trying to type too so I better sign off ;0)
Just have to let my Supervisor know. Think I might tell a white lie and say my childcare fell through.
UG the baby has been for a poo! Oh noooooooooooooooo!
x J
Spoke to Grandma (aka Mother In Law) and she said she would love to look after Bean as much as we need, whenever we need... So we are out of here! Oh my goodness! A whole new phase of life awaits. I am so excited - I really believe that moving South will do us all the world of good; DB will have all his friends to help him relax and make him laugh and a reason to stop working, we will have babysitters so we can go out once in a while together (!!! woooooooo!!!), I will have friends but also be able to make new ones I hope through ma and baby groups and settle in properly and Bean will have so many grown ups and babies to play with and adore him :0) Fantastic! Our quality of life will be better and so, hopefully, we will be les grumpy and insular and prone to combustion hehe. Having a baby is stressful! Workwise I will be able to work 20 hours straight off and will try and scrabble together an extra 10 - I reckon 30 hours of good work a week should be just dandy. I really look forward to it!
For now I am just going to catch up on books and journal articles and maybe go to a conference or two. I am meant to be getting three hours work done today but DB has been coming down with the Flu all night so doubt that will happen. See, if we were down south then I could just ring Grandma/Aunty and ask if they could look after him for a few hours for me and so my work could always be done. Up here it comes a definite third after Bean and DB's schedule (not that illnes is on schedule but you know, his work and fitness is! And he wouldn't consider battling through, just sits and whines as men are sometimes wont to do hehe).
Anyway, my bubs has come over to say hello and is trying to type too so I better sign off ;0)
Just have to let my Supervisor know. Think I might tell a white lie and say my childcare fell through.
UG the baby has been for a poo! Oh noooooooooooooooo!
x J
Thursday 7 October 2010
New Plan...
I talked to DB last night and I think, think, think we have decided to move down South in Jan... so for now I am sort of back on maternity leave. Well, rather than full on maternity leave I am going to really strip back the work I have planned to do. It isn't definite - we need to talk to Grandma first and see if she would be able to a) put us up for a month or two and b) look after Bean for me for a few mornings/afternoons a week so I can get some serious hours in. If she says yes then I will definitely calm the work down and revel again in being full time Mum with no other serious competition for my time and mental energy. If she says no (unlikely) then I guess we will need to consider a childminder. yuk.
I am going to read and catch up on the literature for the next few months, and pack up my house. I am going to be so so so sad to leave here, I love my life here and have made some ace friends. But am really looking forward to bringing up Bean around friends and family and other babies that he will know forever. And the sea and countryside. I will have to submit in December instead of September 2011 which is a bummer and means I will have 6 months of the PhD unpaid. But talking to DB he is willing to take this risk in order to keep us up here until Jan, and he totally understands that I can't work. I was so relieved! I was so worried he would tell me off for being lazy and be all 'where there's a will there's a way' which would have been so unhelpful.
All I can say is that I feel a weight has been lifted. I can concentrate on one priority - Bean - without any compromise and in Jan, with the help of friends and Grandma, concentrate on the PhD again. This isn't to say am not doing anything though - I am funded after all, I can't just stop/take a break. I will catch up on the literature and work most days - just not in the intense way that I was having to do before.
Phew!
Having a baby and doing a PhD isn't impossible. But it does mean you have to have a lot of people willing to help you out and look after your baby so you can work. And it has only just dawned on me that even at 10 months my baby is too young to do without me at the moment, and I am too knackered looking after him, DB and my house to work every night and weekend.
Now I just need to work out how I am going to package it to my Sup... Well, we'll wait on Grandma's verdict first. What a huge decision for us - moving south really is a Big Deal.
x J
I am going to read and catch up on the literature for the next few months, and pack up my house. I am going to be so so so sad to leave here, I love my life here and have made some ace friends. But am really looking forward to bringing up Bean around friends and family and other babies that he will know forever. And the sea and countryside. I will have to submit in December instead of September 2011 which is a bummer and means I will have 6 months of the PhD unpaid. But talking to DB he is willing to take this risk in order to keep us up here until Jan, and he totally understands that I can't work. I was so relieved! I was so worried he would tell me off for being lazy and be all 'where there's a will there's a way' which would have been so unhelpful.
All I can say is that I feel a weight has been lifted. I can concentrate on one priority - Bean - without any compromise and in Jan, with the help of friends and Grandma, concentrate on the PhD again. This isn't to say am not doing anything though - I am funded after all, I can't just stop/take a break. I will catch up on the literature and work most days - just not in the intense way that I was having to do before.
Phew!
Having a baby and doing a PhD isn't impossible. But it does mean you have to have a lot of people willing to help you out and look after your baby so you can work. And it has only just dawned on me that even at 10 months my baby is too young to do without me at the moment, and I am too knackered looking after him, DB and my house to work every night and weekend.
Now I just need to work out how I am going to package it to my Sup... Well, we'll wait on Grandma's verdict first. What a huge decision for us - moving south really is a Big Deal.
x J
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Oh Crikey
I am having a nightmare of a time :0(
I have been away for the wedding... it was fabulous and I loved being a bridesmaid. It was so lovely! But now I am back and I just know that my working arrangements are not going to work. I know this because DB has forgotton already and I haven't had an opportunity to work at all. The idea that I could work on fridays and saturdays isn't going to pan out either - maybe I'll have friday afternoons, I can believe that. But saturdays are busy, either people want to visit to see Bean, or A wants to go out etc etc. And the evenings... I am so tired or on duty with a teething Bean... I can honestly say I have hardly done more than an hour's work since I started back last month.
So I think I need childcare help. Just two/three days a week so I can get my head down. I could work in itty bitty bits but arg, it is so hard to regain a thread of a long article, or keep the different themes in your head, or to keep up with new emails and conference ideas. Writing will be even harder. I don't know if I am just fussy or lazy, but I can't leave work, go back to work, leave work, go back to work and be any good like that. I need a clear space - physical and temporal - in which to get some clear work done. I can't put Bean in nursery because research shows that it is more harmful than beneficical for babies before they're two to be in a nursery environment and I won't do that to him. He is such a sunny, happy and secure little boy! DB doesn't like the idea of a childminder, and to be honest nor do I - it is hard to think of someone I don't actually know having such intense responsibility for my child. So the only option is for family, and the family are all down south. So we need to move south... But DB has work commitments up here until January that actually earn us a tidy sum :0(
I need to talk to DB. I hope he doesn't think I am blaming him for not giving me opportunity to work (he is always busy so doesn't do any childcare but I love doing it so whatever) or come up with more daft pie-in-the-sky solutions like'I'll cut back my hours!' or 'I'll do childcare from 5pm!' because it is rubbish.
I need clear time and a clear head knoing my baby is being looked after by someone who loves him. But what does DB want? And my supervisor? At the mo I would love to just leave the PhD largely until the end of Jan, when my baby is weaned and can be away from me in the day. At the mo he needs me too much.
Oh what to do?!
x J
I have been away for the wedding... it was fabulous and I loved being a bridesmaid. It was so lovely! But now I am back and I just know that my working arrangements are not going to work. I know this because DB has forgotton already and I haven't had an opportunity to work at all. The idea that I could work on fridays and saturdays isn't going to pan out either - maybe I'll have friday afternoons, I can believe that. But saturdays are busy, either people want to visit to see Bean, or A wants to go out etc etc. And the evenings... I am so tired or on duty with a teething Bean... I can honestly say I have hardly done more than an hour's work since I started back last month.
So I think I need childcare help. Just two/three days a week so I can get my head down. I could work in itty bitty bits but arg, it is so hard to regain a thread of a long article, or keep the different themes in your head, or to keep up with new emails and conference ideas. Writing will be even harder. I don't know if I am just fussy or lazy, but I can't leave work, go back to work, leave work, go back to work and be any good like that. I need a clear space - physical and temporal - in which to get some clear work done. I can't put Bean in nursery because research shows that it is more harmful than beneficical for babies before they're two to be in a nursery environment and I won't do that to him. He is such a sunny, happy and secure little boy! DB doesn't like the idea of a childminder, and to be honest nor do I - it is hard to think of someone I don't actually know having such intense responsibility for my child. So the only option is for family, and the family are all down south. So we need to move south... But DB has work commitments up here until January that actually earn us a tidy sum :0(
I need to talk to DB. I hope he doesn't think I am blaming him for not giving me opportunity to work (he is always busy so doesn't do any childcare but I love doing it so whatever) or come up with more daft pie-in-the-sky solutions like'I'll cut back my hours!' or 'I'll do childcare from 5pm!' because it is rubbish.
I need clear time and a clear head knoing my baby is being looked after by someone who loves him. But what does DB want? And my supervisor? At the mo I would love to just leave the PhD largely until the end of Jan, when my baby is weaned and can be away from me in the day. At the mo he needs me too much.
Oh what to do?!
x J
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