arf

Today I am antsy about work and have decided to try and work with my toddler playing around me.

I have brought all his toys into the new dining room and am editing my synopsis (aka first para of my intro) as suggested by my sup.  Super keen to get on with it and start making some real progress.

Only problem is my toddler isn't so keen!  he keeps coming up to me with various bits and bobs or wanting cuddles ;0)  Can't see how this will work but have managed half an hour of sort of working.  Will carry on until 4.45 when it is time to make his tea anyway.  Something is better than nothing eh?

x J

'It's shaping up well'

apparently.  Am very pleased but also a bit disappointed.  I suppose I fancied a bit of glowing praise, but shaping up well will do for now ;0)  He isn't much of a glowing praise type of person to be honest - must bear this in mind :0)

x J

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I just send a synopsis of my PhD to my Sup...  Here's hoping it is ok!

Am super excited and scared.  I started writing the intro yseterday and then have fine tuned it into what would be the abstract or the first para of the intro, and then tweaked and tweaked last night and this morning until it is a fnatastically concise, distilled version of the Whole Chuffing Thing.

I really, really hope he likes it.  I hope he writes and says it seems just dandy, go ahead and write it.  It really is the whole complete thing, from what the title means, to what authors and theoretical stance it is influenced by, to how it purports to be original and contribute to the literature in my field, to what my arguments are.  A fine tuned piece of writing.  If it is a success then I shall dance a meery jig and might even get pissed.  If it is bobbins then at least I *know* and can work on it - with some help and pointers from my Sup - and get better until it is right.  So whatever happens, I have done something that is helping my work move forward.  Which is music to my ears after so long just being shit and then reading and now I feel I have turned a corner.

Hurrah!

Am off for a lovely cup of coffee :0)  Then I shall spend the day checking my email every two seconds, jumpy as anything, and try and skim read some notes of books I have already read, but forgotton the gist of. 

Tomorrow I am taking the baby with me to the library.  Am borrowing the car so at least I don't have to negotiate public transport and can hopefully park actually near the campus, then we will runb in and get books, I need to get my form for a railcard signed and stamped and then we are all done.  Am quite excited about taking him to see my uni for some reason.  He won't know where he is but I will feel quite happy.  Getting books is really important and I can't dop it today as wanted to get this done.

Better check email quickly then nip off for a break.  

Wish me luck!

x J 

hehe

After writing about the intimidation of the flashing curser I ran away!  To think and gain perspective of course ;0) 

I did come back though and wrote a paragraph.  And I am planning it sort of today but hopefully mostly writing (purging knowledge that has built up in my brain and is taking up storage space).  I am going on my old Masters' (yes plural, it is ridiculous how educated and utterly daft and, in these times and because of my inherent desire to procreate, unemployable I am) dissertations to remind me how to write an introduction.  Is this crackers?  Not knowing how to do an intro?  It has to be so long and thoughtful I am petrified of getting it wrong and this, obviously, is anathema to creativity ;0)  SOOOOOO I think I need to go to the library and look at another PhD thesis and glean tips on the intro and the lit review. In the meantime just emptying my head of its blathery rubbish will suffice. 

I know that I can write about:

• why I did this research (aka what I am looking at - although never say 'looking at', but 'examining' or 'analysing' ;0))
• Why it is important (hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  So important only three people in the world will read it, one of them a proof reader!)
• How it contributes to the literature on my topic
• The theoretical direction (though not too much on this as it will be done to death in the methodology ch)
• The actual thesis and synopsis of the research; concluding arguments
• Chapter outlines

I can't think what else at the mo but think this is a good start.  Problem is that I don't see how it will be very long.  Hmmm.  My Sup told me that the intro needs to be super-duper tight as the examiners will very likely only read the intro and concl with any real interest, the rest will be skimmed through (!).  Okelly dokelly.

Oh, and I think I need to invest in endnote.  I am all of a dither with my references and having something to do it for me would be lovely!  I have been rather a luddite thus far and doing it all by hand or using word to do it, but moving from one latptop to another has not taken my refs with it.  Eek!  And now it really is getting beyond my capabilities to hand type in every ref - having to find the paper etc woould be a pain in itself!  Which, I suppose, shows progress.  Hurrah!

Anyway, on to writing...

x J

Blank

Really, one cannot underestimate how frightening a blank word document and a flashing curser can be. 

It takes all I have to sit and face it and not bugger off for more 'thinking time' (aka smoking, making crumpets, making a cup of tea, going to the loo, shuffling paper).

Every little counts... I hope!

I am back to work!  Hurray!

Am so pleased, it has only been a week but it feels like aaaages.  My brain has gone soft.  BUT I have moved house and have a lovely new office (also the spare room) which has a big window of loveliness but yet the sun manages to stay off my table so I can use the laptop easily without glare.  Excellent.  I can definitely feel that this is where I will finish my PhD.  My old office just didn't have the right vibe if you know what I mean?

Anyway, although I am 'back to work' I am not as much as I would like.  I have had to get a haircut this morning and now it is 1pm, and I have to go and pick up the baby in an hour and am yet to eat today.  Arf.  I have however, got the laptop on - instead of just reading ;0)  I have realised (due to the time off) that I am ready to start writing, or at least a lit review introduction.  I just have to sort of plan it.  I was re-reading an article in front the the tv the other night (to appease my conscience from me having so much time off) and although it was tiny and not really on my topic there was a gem of a nugget in there which really got me understanding my work and made me realise the structure that the thesis is trying to take.  This was very exciting.  In real life though I have sat down and tried to write the intro but realised that I do still need to plan it.  For some reason, and I think it is because it is such an enormous piece of work, I can't work out what a lit review is still.  I mean, I know, but when I try and write it I end up doing the introduction for the whole PhD, and then try and think of arguments etc which is obviously the discussion and then my conclusion is my PhD conclusion...  when all I need to do is explain the background or context to the work.  Not the whole thing!  My head is just too full of the whole thesis I guess, which actually, upon reflection (oh dear blog thank you for this reflective space!) it looks like maybe I am in a position to write some kind of proper introduction?  And then the lit review will hopefully follow when I have got out the other introductory/exploratory junk out of my head.  Hmmm interesting!  For some reason though I am very nervous about writing the intro.  Ah, I know why, it is because then I have to commit to an idea and an argument which I am hesitant about doing lest I look a fool.  I suppose I could read until the cows come home, looking for confirmation that my ideas are entirely plagurised (sp?!) and unoriginal.  Maybe I should bite the bullet.  I do have more reading to do - a whole section in fact - but am pretty much there I think.  I have all my notes laid out on the back of my desk under subject headings and with every author that I have read to do with them written out and the date of publication, so I can see quickly whether the reading I have done for that subject/topic is up to date and varied and covers the key authors yet, or if I have holes.  This is *fabulous* as after a week away a pile of notes would just be meaningless now.  It is quite a pile :0)  Looking at them I do feel that there is a structure of sorts and a theme and flow of what the PhD must be about.  It's just a case of putting that in writing.  Fabulous, scholarly writing.  'Just a case'...  bah.

I have personal  issues in that my childminder is taking the next two weeks off.  Eek!  I shall be full time mothering the baby but will try and work in the evenings.  Am off to London for the night next friday which I cannot wait for but I also know I will be really homesick.  is only 24 hours and man I need a break with best mates, beer, sunshine and very loud music.  Sans bebe.  Brilliant and nervewracking all at the same time.  I am also thinking of putting Bean in with the CM for an extra day a week in a month or so.  I will have to get very serious come September and wonder if I am falling between two stools at the mo.  When I am with bean I worry about my work to the point where I am short tempered and not really 'there', and when he is with the childminder I don't have enough time I feel to really get into work so I just miss him and look forward to having him home.  Poor mite isn't really getting a very good mummy at the mo but he adores the childminder and I swear she must be better for him while I am in this pickle.  I wonder if just having him with the CM for four days a week, 9.30 - 2.30 would be better for him, just until I get it finished and am calmer.  The stress is definitely setting in.  All I can think is 'what if I don't finish'?  What if I *can't* finish?  Is it too big for me?????  :0(  The all I can do is look at all the notes I have and think how sad it would be for that work to go to waste, and I might as well just try... and if I fail at least it *was* because I wasn't good enough, not because I walked away from it.  )Grand thoughts but they do naff all to ease my constant feeling of insecurity and doubt.) 

Ok.  I am going to spend half an hour seeing if I can plan an introduction and if that goes well I will know that I can start writing that and leave the lit review for a wee while (however long I can keep writing the intro for).  While I have all the ideas in my head (just about, I am getting forgetful already!) it might be good to try and write a synopsis of what I am trying to say and why it matters and how it is original.  If I can get this down it would be of great help when writing the lit review, help it keep shape and not wander off.  I desperately need to go to the library... I was going to do this this week while bean is with the CM (although he *can* come to the uni library...  but really, how practical is that when all he will do is pull every book off the shelf?!  Not impossible though...) but if I am writing the intro then the lit review books would just sit gathering dust...  and fines no doubt.

Ok then, am plannin' my PhD intro!  Who'da thunk it?

x J

No peace for the wicked

Woah I am a busy lady at the mo!

We are moving house on friday so we are packing packing.  well, I say 'we', I mean 'me'.  I have been packing for a couple of weeks, and cleaning as I go so am pretty on top of it all.  I think - I am waiting to realise that I have fogotton a whole room or cupboard fromo hell!  I have decided to work today and the tomorrow and  thursday I shall pack while Bean is at the childminders.  Hopefully I shall be able to work too, if not I shall work in the evenings (energy levels willing ;0)).  I can't really pack in the evenings because downstairs is largely done and obviously upstairs is where the child is...  Cannot wait to have more room!  And an office!  A garden with a lawn for paddling pools and hide and seek!  A patio for a table and umbrella for working outside! 

House move is not going smoothly with the estate agency - the estate agent is a right old get, seems to think that the oven being cleaned ('cleaned', not 'clean' - it's on its last legs) is a plus point we should be impressed by, amongst other trivialties.  I commented on the grubbiness of the house, the woodlice upstairs and the fact the the door on the downstairs cloakroom doesn't shut and he got defensive.  Seems like we are going to have a strained relationship which wouldn't bother me if the winters up here weren't so profound at the mo and the appliances (incl boiler) look so old...  anyway, anway let's not make worries for ourselves ;0) 

Erm, yes wedding is looking like it will be cancelled in favour of something a little more Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz...  hehe.  I have found a wedding dress but am scared to get it.  It is a beautiful, floaty very simple purple maxi dress that would be perfect for a wee ceremony and then to go on a plane on holiday afterwards...  DB has gone to see about rings and the 'honeymoon' and I have found us a possible register office.  But we still haven't cancelled our big wedding.  Am so nervous because it is *such* a big decision!  I just can't stop thinking what an absurd waste of money following it through would be.  But then, organising a wedding just is stressful and I know the day would be fun in the end.  Hmmm.  Now is just the worst time to be trying to organise it, it is not fun.  But if we wait until we are in a better place (ie I am not trying to be a stay at home mum and a full time PhD student) then it will be years away and we want another bubba.  So that is sitting on our shoulders at the moment.  I told my ma yesterday that we were going to cancel it and she was shocked but supportive.  I hate lying to her, even though am not lying technically just not being honest that we are actually going to get wed in a couple of months...  I would have her come in a shot but then DB's family would want to come and he doesn't like a few significant members.  Then friends would be hurt if they aren't invited and before we know it we are back to square one!  better to invite no-one. 

And my little sis was in a proper car crash at the weekend.  Harrumph.  She is ok so haven't gone to visit - with her lupus her bieng in hospital doesn't have the drama it would do if she was a normo.  Sounds a bit harsh but she has her friends, girlfriend and family, twill be cool.

And work - work is stressing me out and encouraging at the same time.  I realised at the weekend that my Sup kind of washing his hands of me has actually hurt me deeply and in a way I have had to sort of grieve and get over it.   know it sounds dramatic but my Sup has been a profound and rather parental figure in my life for about 7 years and all of sudden he just cut the apron strings and it made me sad.  I pretended it didn't but when talking to my (rather insightful) PhD friend the other week she said I sounded sad about it which I realised I was.  It did undermine my confidence and I know that I have to get on and make my confidence my own, rather than dependent on pats on the head from authority figures...  but that is academia for you, it's what we all want and thrive on really!  My reading is carrying on and articles I find that scare me becuase they seem too close to my ideas are actually supportive but not quite my ideas which is good.  I am now reading a report that I can analyse and am feeling much happier, rather than reading the dry academic articles on economics and ethics.  I still have a lot more of that to read but will go and get all that from the library when we have moved.  I did go to the library on saturday only to find that there were no staff so I couldn't pay my fine to get any books out!  All that effort and travel for nowt!  Was right miffed!

Anyway, today am reading this report which I intend to thoroughly slag off and am looking forward to picking it to pieces - doing something active and using my brain, rather than passively absorbing other people's opinions.  I am going to smoke a naughty cigarette and havea  cup of tea.  And I am going to grill some salmon and have it with salad for lunch.  Am de-blubbing in anticipation for a wedding you see.

BYE!

x J