Signed off again!

I went to the drs and have been told NOT to work and been signed off for three weeks with stress. 

Is actually depression (I thought I might be a bit depressed but didn't think a dr would think I was too) but I don't want Uni knowing that.  Apparently my miscarriage was the worst type to go through, dragging on the way it did and is perfectly normal to feel so shit afterwards, which is very reassuring.  I said about how I couldn't work at all and thought it was all so stupid and she said that I would at the moment so not to even try.

I am not sure what I am going to do.  I really would like to have this finished by the time I go to Italy in September.  I think I might give myself next week off for the jubilee etc and also DB is off work for nine whole days... so would be a good time to take my mind off things, try and have some fun and hopefully cheer up a bit :)  Then start work again after that but slowly.  I dunno, hopefully I'll feel better and mor positive and capable and able to concentrate then - basically be a different person ;0)

Need to have a look at when I meant to be finishing, am so confused about my deadline now!  Then work out a comfortable schedule within which to finish by Sept.  Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.

x J

Nothing Doing

I have done nothing today. 

Well, I have done housework and pondered about whether to cancel my drs appt this aft or not, decided yes, rang surgery and they say they are closed for the afternoon, I walk there to check and turns out they are closed until my appt time.  So I can't cancel and anyway was a bit wibbly wobbly anxious when out (though am fine and dandy at home) so should go along anyway.  I don't expect to get much from it other than advices to run and see my friends more and come back next week if I still feel the same.  I would like to be signed off a bit longer, though am off till weds anyway (though have come back this week as i have to) so doubt that would happen either.

I don't even know what to say and think I will just blather on incoherently about uni deadlines and anxiety and they will say 'erm, you are doing a PhD, what did you expect?  Everyone else manages?' and i shall cry and shuffle away in total agreement.

The thing is, I haven't been able to work because i spend my whole fricking day thinking about how not to feel anxious and depressed and how to feel better.  All.  Bloody.  Day.  If I wasn't thinking about that, to just feel normal and keep an even keel, then I would be working.

bah. 

My kitten purred today :)  She is so feral and timid and I was thinking yesterday that she might never really take to us but she purred, really loudly, and then settled herself in MY SPOT on the settee.  I have been usurped :)

Is pizza and apprentice night tonight, DB and I are being slobs.

x J

Did a bit, not much

Today, dear reader, i got a bit lost.

I have done some work, but only a teeny bit, though as usual am pretty chuffed I even did that.  I didn't even feel panicky doing it, just a bit bored :)  Realised one bit in the chapter of awfulness that my Sup seems to really like, it has a big tick and says 'wow!' in the margin, which before I took as sarcasm but now, with noticing the tick, think he might have meant kindly.  Just goes to show my state of mind eh?!  Still skeptical though, think it might have been sarky.

Today I have mostly read the paper and internet and felt a bit crap.  I am off to the drs tomorrow and have decided it is all in vain and am just a twatty skiving bastard of loserness.  Am sure the dr will confirm this and I will feel even worse.  Am really worried that I won't finish this.  How will I do it?  I can't do it.  It is Too Hard.

I did actually email the Uni secretary research lady person and ask if my submission deadline is my actual, total deadline of all time or if I can have another writing up year.  Would save a lot of time with the drs if i can just sign up for another year (but hand in before sept as i am off on holiday in sept and want to have this DONE).  And I think Uni still think my hand in date is tomorrow as my library books won't renew and, well, that is what it says on the system.  This is worrying.  Who knows what the fuck i am doing?  Who cares?!  Do I even exist?!

So.  I will be back tomorrow, and continue to be distracted and generally shit.

Till then, then.

x J

Done ok

I did my one page :)  Am now on the second page!

And hurrah.  I also think I worked out the odds me and my sup have over a conceptual issue that I see as key to my thesis but he thinks I have misunderstood.  I think it is just a wording issue that hopefully I can iron out pretty easily, and if I am right will actually add to the nuance of the thesis.  This is very good.

Not so good is that I am feeling panicky as I work.  My breathing is too fast and my vision is a bit swimmy which tends to herald the beginnings of a panic attack.  I felt like this coming back from dropping Bean off at the childminder's this morning :(  I do this so very often and she is a friend, why am I so scared to leave the house?!   I feel overwhelmed by having to work and think about work, and having to go out and get Bean and face the whole social thing of Being Outside and Talking to People.  I wish I was invisible.

My kitten is very naughty.  She is very curious now and knocking over plants, climbing up furniture and pulling clothes off the clothes horse.  Of course, she is a cat and this is what cats do and I am not that fussed, but DB will be cross!  he doesn't really get it and thinks she should just sit and chase balls!  Oh dear, he would be much better with a dog.

Right, better get ready for the big outdoors.  Am very very pleased with my efforts today.  I feel really chuffed, as if I did a conference presentation.  What a twat.  And then feel scared when I realise I have to come back and do it all again tomorrow!  Shit me, am so bloody frail :(  What a twat.

x J

I'm doing it!

I am working!  Only a bit.  But working!

I am sat in my sitting room, having cleaned the house like crazy all morning because the cat is making DB allergic.  Then had lunch and watched a tv programme.  Then thought about having a fag and remember I don't smoke any more.  Then decided i might work. 

Feel a bit panicky...  Oh, yeah, I have had three panic attacks this weekend :(  What an arse, is completely humiliating being such a wreck.  Am going to the drs on Thurs but think if I can start working and thinking about getting pregnant again I will be ok.  I feel really horrible about work, I have no confidence and feel like a total failure and have no perspective.  I know I can't meet my deadlines, even with the extra time from being on sick leave and this is terrifying.  If I don't meet my deadlines the dept will be punished by the ESRC, and my Sup will be very disappointed and still unable to retire.  But I don't know how to get it extended.  For now, for today, I am just doing what I can.

It is mad how unfamiliar and yet familiar my work is after so long away.  I have never spent so long away and it seems weird that I used to write about this stuff with such confidence, and, dare I say it, competence (looking at my work it doesn't seem all that bad, really).  And just now, I typed a new version of a sentence as if I even knew what I was saying.  This is a big step for me.  And because this is my discussion chapter it is very opinionated, so is really weird to be editing a chapter that is so opinionated, with my opinions, when at the mo I have a panic attack when trying to choose a sandwich to take on the train with me (I do, I did.  WTF).  I want my old self back again.  I want to be the person who writes this gubbins!  That person is pretty cool and, like, knows shit.  I am not cool and know shit all :( 

I want to get preggo again and finish uni.  I want me old life back when it was all ok! 

And so today I try to edit ONE page of my discussion chapter.  What is amazing about this process is realising how important my research is to me, and how relevant it actually is to international relations.  Other people might think it is shit, and that is fine because it probably is, but reading it and the language and stuff is... well...  it is quite intelligent and... important.  So maybe, if i can hang onto that realisation I can get confidence again, and motivation, and do some work?

One step at a time.  One page, for today.

x J 

Better Plus

I am getting much better :)  I am soooo glad I had this week off.  I have had a magic day with my son in the garden and the paddling pool and the gorgeous weather and feel whole again... and had time to think and feel good about work :)

I thought that I was not working because I was lazy or procrastinating, and because I am finishing a PhD that would be a perfectly reasonable assumption.  However, with the mental jumps I have made this week I have realised that I really did need the time off to reflect, let my brain relax and do its subconscious magic...  Anyway, I have realised that I can (must) finish this work.  I will finish this work.  And probably won't have much more time added on to help. 

I will go to the GPs next week and ask for more time, a couple of weeks hopefully, and ask for counselling to help me manage my life (shit family stuff and the miscarriage and just STUFF).  They can only say no, and for the first time in a while the thought of anyone saying 'no' to me doesn't send me into a panic.  I have been pretty weird and fragile and anyone arguing with me, criticising me or putting pressure on me has made me really, really stressed and panicky.  I put this down to the feeling of failure and fragility caused by the miscarriage, the feelinbg of being out of control and a bit crap.  I also put this down to the stage I am at with the PhD and the terrible timing of the negative response to mt shit discussion chapter and finding out about the mc.  The feeling of failure at both incredibly important aspects of my life that were solely my responsibility was too much and meant i retired for a while.  Didn't think I could come back.  But I can.

I will make sure I have a lot of treats, and let myself start back slowly.  The Uni won't kick me out if I cannot submit when they say i have to, but i won't make my life easier by leaving it later to let them know if I think I will miss it.  I need to email uni and see if there is a way I can apply for an extension with the esrc, pleading mitigating circs.  I don't want to hand in later than the end of August. 

I am putting all thoughts of a new baby off until after I have submitted.  It is too much of a distraction and if I do get lucky enough to be pregnant again I know I will be constantly shitting myself that they have died.  This will NOT help me focus!  No, for now, the PhD has to be first, then when it is over I will be SUCH a different person and a much better mama :)  I can naval-gaze and shit myself to my heart's content!

Even if I get NO extra time I will be fine.  I thought i could do it before and have to believe that again.  I can do this.  I like this work.  If anything stresses me out I have to gain persepctive by thinking of this in terms of being a Masters dissertation.  Remember how i worked for those and just did them.  I did not consider not completing the work however horrible it was.  I did have lots of treats and made sure I exercised a lot too.

It will be ok.  Don't think in terms of 'getting a PhD'.  Don't think about the doctorate, about the title or the graduation.  Don't think of how that could never be you.  Just get your head down and write what you know.  Just write what you know - at this stage I reckon it could be quite a lot :)

Now, am off to finish my wine, then the bottle, then off to london tomorrow to see my bezzies for a reet good laugh.

x J

Erm not today either!

Right ok.  I did sod all today.

I wandered around the house, did housework, mooched and even got a bit bored.  but I did not work.  I am aware this is wanky and i should work.  I am aware that sitting down to work will take motivation.  I would say though that I am not quite there yet but think Tuesday I will be :)

I have tomorrow off with Bean, to sit in the sun and get out the paddling pool (very excited)...  saturday I go to London to see my best mates, get shitfaced and exorcise miscarriage demons with my dearest people.  Sunday I come home, Monday is a Bank Holiday so we shall hopefully do something together as a family and then Tuesday Bean is back with the childminder and my work should begin again.  I have to find a 'in' though.

Objectives are:
a) I need to get myself sat in my room with my laptop.
b) I need work out what work to do.
c) I need to organise new deadlines.
d) I need to sit and work.

Possible solutions are:
a) Buy chocolate/any treat that you can ONLY have when sat in your room with the laptop on and some work in front of you :)  Bribery works.
b) Set a teeny weeny goal.  Like do ONE page of the editing for the discussion chapter, then have ten minutes off.  Then ONE page, ten minutes off.  Do this for FIVE pages then leave the study for half an hour.  Come back, continue.
c) New deadlines can only really be organised when I know if I have more time i can take 'signed off'.  I need more time from the Uni to ease back into work in order to meet my deadlines, and I can only get this assent with support from the GP saying I need this time.  I don't know how nice my GP will be, obviously if I have a sympathetic one I could get a few weeks which would totally save my PhD sanity.  If I get a grumpy one I might get a week, max.  Best to plan, really, for the minimum in the beginning then.  ALSO I have told myself I am not allowed to try and get preggo again until I have the submission day in my sights, which deters me from wanting to add on much more time.  This is a great motivator and really makes me want to get the PhD done.  I know before all my drama happened I was on track for finishing even though my deadlines were tight, so I should be ok...  but ug it is so stressful trying to write a methodology in 2 weeks (twat).  So, plan for the worst, hope for the best and amend accordingly.
d)  With my treats; my little, teeny goals and promises to have lots of breaks; motivation to get the PhD finished so I can have some summer time with my family, hopefully get pregnant again and Move the Fuck On; and long weekend off with fun in the sun with friends and family to finish the healing process... I think I should be able to work!  Back to work on Tuesday it IS.

See you then peeps and if you are working over the bank holiday I send you great good luck and many treats.

x J

not today neither

Arf I haven't done shit all today.  I can't concentrate.

i know on the one hand there is stress.  And on the other there is procrastination.  And at the moment I don't know which camp I fall into.  Friends and family say the former, and I do try and work and can't even work on my deadlines.  I can always do planning if nothing else!  I can't. 

But all I do is hang around the house :)  Or garden (beautiful weather!).  I feel like a spare part, and lazy.  I suppose I have to get bored enough...  I am not bored enough yet.  And when I go back to it and realise how little time I have to do everything I panic again and drift away.  So am neither on r and r OR working.  Is ridiculous. 

Hmmm.  I shall think about what to do.  I might in fact NOT work at all tomorrow, just sod it, come back on tuesday and by then I would have had aaaages off and really, it should be time to work.

yes.

x J

not today!

It is scorchio here!  And not yet a full week off!  Soooo I didn't work :)

I am very well in myself, happy even :)  having a week off has really sorted me off, all the pressure has lifted and I feel ok again.

Now I have to exercise some discipline and get back to work.  I will to some tomorrow, but will need a day of planning and organising, just to get me back into the swing of things and put my deadlines and targets into perspective.

it will be ok.  :)

Better :)

Ah for having some space to think and breathe I am much better :)

I shall be back to work tomorrow, though unofficially as am still signed off to take the pressure off.  I am able to think about my PhD in terms of the project and my work and love for it again, rather than in terms of producing for deadlines.  So I am enthusiastic and happy about it again :) 

I went for a run on Thursday and Saturday, and went swimming yesterday so I am getting better in lots of ways.  I am mostly thinking of the future rather than the past which is also good.

I just think in general I have perspective on my work again which makes it feel manageable and all good again.

sort of!  We shall see how tomorrow goes.  I want to organise my new deadlines and edit the discussion chapter. 

x J

Road Back to Work

Today I went for a run.  Only 1.5 miles, but out, and up a hill :)

Today I did not smoke a fag; did not comfort eat; have not cried.

Today I thought maybe I will come back to work next week.  Just ease into it from Tuesday and start being normal again.

I know today is a good day, that tomorrow it might all go tits up again.  But for now, for today so far (it is only lunchtime hehe) I feel ok, I feel in control and positive about my life and work.

x J

Balm to my Wretched PhD Soul

Sup just emailed to say not to worry about my thesis, to get better and that it can wait.

Thank fuck for that.  I have been tormented with guilt and feeling such a failure for not working more, harder, better, and for letting everyone down.  That email means so much!  I might start sleeping again now :)

x J

Signed off

Arf I have been signed off by the drs.  Well, I went for them to sign me off.  I can't work, am getting behind and the fear and feeling of failure is palpable.  I don't sleep well or for long enough, I am forgetful, I get panic attacks in shops and keep bursting into tears.

But I am fine!  Just shit-fine.  Something has to give, and it is work.  I will not work for another two weeks, try and get some perspective on what has happened to me since the 19 March and hopefully it will be over by then  (the miscarriage is still not technically over medically).  Some time to sit back, look after myself and be normal and not insanely sad and freaked out by how my life has turned out.  Need to get my head around stuff.

Then in two weeks, so...  the 29th May, I shall come back and start working again but SLOWLY.  I shall aim to do 250-500 words a day, no more, and I think this should be fine.  Then, I shall probably need more sick notes to give myself breathing space to cope with the pressure of the submission date and work and get up to speed then whooomph, I shall freewheel my way back into super-speed, top notch workiness.  I shall start achieving again, stop feeling frightened and panicky whenever i think about work let alone try to do any, and have my life back. 

Then, I shall submit and breathe again, go on holiday to Italy (this is all booked for the 13 Sept) and move down South.

I shall have to take Bean to the Zoo before i finish.  Even this goal, that I won't make it, makes me sad.  I had my heart set on being pregnant, on finishing by the end of May, on going camping to celebrate, on taking my son to the zoo for the first time and being relaxed and happy in two weeks time.  Instead I am a frazzled, guilty, failing, insomniac mess.

Chuh!  We can only take each day as it comes, and know that the future will look after itself.  It is the here and now, this very moment, that we must focus on. 

See, now the pressure is off, now I can think and have space to breathe, I can start to be positive ;)  This is a Big Change.

x J

Dose of Reality

Right, am not complaining, but I can't work.

I just can't.  There is static where my brain used to be and I spend all my time reading about other people and miscarriages.  I had a bit of a step back recovery wise yesterday that I did expect but still was depressing, and so I am going to the Drs on Monday to get a note to plead extenuating circs to get an extension on my deadline.  DB has completely got on board and apologised for telling me to just get the F*** on with it and stop whining.  Phew.  Support is an amazing tonic, I thought I was going mad because I couldn't work, I really did.

I do not want an extension, I do not want this to drag on, but I do want to finish, and to finish without compromising my mental health :)  I would be ok, but the work would be crap, rushed and lackadaisical and it would be a sad sorry struggle.  If I had a couple of weeks just to ease back into it, to be able to be chuffed just because I sat in my room and rifled through papers, then one day be chuffed because I managed to concentrate and not think about the miscarriage for ten minutes, and one day be chuffed i wrote 500 words...  until I am back up to speed...  well that would be so much healthier than constantly having bad days and feeling such a failure because I have dropped all the balls and just can't catch up.  I know, completely and utterly, that if I wasn't under such huge time constraints I would feel more free and less pressured and more able to clear my mind of the static and do just a little bit, little bit, each day that I could be proud of and that would end up being lots.  Slowly but surely the work would be the main thing in my mind again, rather than the miscarriage.  But this will take time - not long, only a couple of weeks/a month but can't happen NOW simply because I will it.  Like DB said, I am not the person I was before this all happened, the person who was working on this all before,  and I need to encorporate my new self into the work but this will take a bit of time.

It is a bugger but i am not going anywhere, and I will still have August to chill out in should I get a month extension.  We'll have to see how Monday goes but I assume they will send me away with a clean bill of health and a flea in my ear and I will be utterly f*cked ;0)

We are kitten hunting today!  Exciting times :)

x J

Stating the obvious but...

THE ONLY WAY TO GET A PHD DONE, IS TO DO IT.

Goodbye Gloom

Ok so I have been very whiny and gloomy, and for this, I apologise.  I am now turning over a new leaf! 

I had a chat with DB last night and he was very frank about how lazy and procrastinatory (?!) I am sounding.  This stung, I can't deny it, and I am not completely sure he is right.  In my defence I have had the shittest time in history of late, and some stuff he doesn't even really know about or understand, and so I think I should be given a break.  He also is rather robotic and amazing in his ability to put aside feelings and worries to just work like a freaky deaky automaton.  He is an actual workaholic and so we, as me being lazy me, do not meet eye-to-eye on the place work has in our lives.  I am also more mentally unhinged and prone to depression, when he and his family have no idea about depression and do not suffer from any kind of mental illness at all, they are very stable.  So, his comments are not really from an understanding place. 

However, I also realise that he knows me well, and also the value of getting the PhD and finishing up in 7 weeks time (I said that I was very very keen to finish rather than keep getting extensions)...  I think he is sick of my PhD too ;0)  Certainly family life is very stretched while I am working because what would normally be our chill time is taken up with me working and him having to watch Bean on his own and vice versa.  I will get it done, with gritted teeth if necessary!  Also, my Sup is clearly disappointed in me so that everyone I love is getting cross with me must be a sign I am just generally being a Bit Shit.

We are, wonderfully, going to get our wee kitten which i am very excited about and will do much the same, if not more, than any sick note as far as giving me some happiness/respite from the relentless shit of life at the mo (hehe drama queen alert).  He did say he thought getting a kitten was the worst timing ever and clearly a distraction technique so I couldn't work (although, apparently, I could be pregnant, feeling sick to death, out of my face tired and sidetracked by hoping the pregnancy was going ok!) but I have already considered this and dismissed it.  It could be a distraction technique, but only in the sense that one needs work/life balance and currently I have no friends (my friends up here are all pregnant and although I am fine, I am still not fine enough to be laughing around other happy bumps and being the only one able to jump up and watch their ill behaved toddlers), work from home, look after my son at home, exercise and watch tv.  It's a bit shit.  A little kitty would bring a certain warmth and loveliness to our home life, a silliness and fun that we are sorely lacking I think (DB is having the time from hell at work at the moment too, eek) and to come downstairs to see my son and silly kitty would be a pleasure and immediately warm my cold PhD-stressed heart :)  It also means I have to prove that the kitten wasn't a distraction technique and was a good motivator by working a lot!  hehe, win-win methinks. 

So, I am home with Bean today, him all fancy in his new pants (too grown up for nappies as of today it seems!) and just hanging having been busy, busy with cornwall etc, and tonight I shall work until about 10pm.  This will be a Big Thing and will take a lot of teeth gritting and motivation.  Tomorrow I shall look for kittens in the morning, talk about kittens over lunch, and then come back and go for a run and work for a few hours tomorrow afternoon.  I am really going to have to get my head around having no home life for a while :(  No fun and games, no hanging around reading the paper, no watching tv.  Though I hope to get neough work done tonight and tomorrow to warrant the evening off tomorrow to zone out in front of Britain's Got Talent (silly and quite dull but I love it anyway).  Then work again on Sunday when I can.  If it is all going terribly come Monday I shall head to the drs and plead for a sick note, but hopefully I will feel like a Good Student, in control and happier.

x J

Oooooh I like this lady

And there's more:

http://thethesiswhisperer.wordpress.com/2010/11/23/phd-paralysis/

She writes about PhD paralysis and fear.  I am going to re-read this and try to work through my mental problems with work tonight. 

I am going to try to work out what is worrying me about work (although I have written a lot today I know there are subtler forces at work) and then tackle them, gently.  I suspect it may come down to something as simple as my lack of confidence.  I hoped running would make me feel better, it didn't.  I wonder if having more time would make me feel better but also know that more time means more time out of my life on the other side, and that life that is my very motivation.  I also know I am a terrible procrastinator and that one or two nights of good, hard work could fix my problem of being behind or feeling out of control.  I feel like I am in a tailspin, and my not working is making it spin faster and faster and soon I will hit the ground and have nothing to hand in.  Instead of trying to save myself I am sat with my haed in my hands just willing it all to be over.  The shame of it.  but the feeling of shame and embarrassment of this whole situation makes me feel worse and more frightened.

I need to get some strength so I can square my shoulders and look this right in the face (hehe).  I need to stop being scared of it, so I need to work out what exactly is scaring me and making me feel so low, then disable it.

It's only a PhD.  I was fine with it once, surely I can be again before it is too late?

I must stop thinking I can't do it.  I have 'I can't do it, I can't do it' on a loop in my head.  I have to work out how I can convince myself I can.  I 'must' or i 'have to' doesn't work.  Too much pressure.

Lordy how hard can this be?!  It's just stupid work. 

Am off to get Bean.  DB is out all evening and bean is having sleep issues so I shan't be able to work tonight.  I will think though and hope to work tomorrow night.

x J

haha, I am not alone :)

http://thethesiswhisperer.wordpress.com/2012/05/08/the-valley-of-shit/

this is the best article I have read in ages!  Thanks B for drawing it to my attention.  It is so apt it made me cry (doesn't take much these days).

I am in the valley of shit.  I do think I must be fortunate because I think I have only been here, properly, once (now)...  I have been pissed off before but this PhD depression is profound and, as the post says, stinks, is oppressive, no-one else gets it because they must have faith in me and just think I should just get it finished - how bad can it be?

However, the solution proposed is to just keep on working.  But I can't do this because I have literally 3 weeks to finish my lit review, write my methodology and do my intro and conclusion.  If I had time I would work, I would have worked today, but because the weight of the deadlines is on my shoulders, bitching in my ear, all I can do is hide and procrastinate and feel very frightened.  Every minute that ticks by is anothe rminute closer to an impossible deadline.  I will never make it.

And yet, if I had more time would I use it - or waste it?  I don't want to tell Uni or my Sup about my inability to work because I want it to come to nought... and am embarrassed by it all - by the whining, the lack of positivity, the lack of ability and the lack of gumption.  I don't know if I had time whether I would gently get back into work and up to speed, or whether I would just work brilliantly in a couple of days anyway.  Am I just wallowing and being lazy or am I a bit depressed, seeing what has happened.  I don't want more time, I want it finished.

I think maybe I have to get to an appropriate level of stress and then it will galvanise me.  Only problem is all the work and notes around me all seem like gobbledegook!  like I wrote it all in a state of mania and hyper-alertness and none of it makes any actual sense.  It is like it belongs to a different me.

I shall have to think this evening about whether to go to the GP tomorrow and see what they say.  I expect they will tell me to come home and get on with my life and stop procrastinating.  That would be embarrassing.  I just want two weeks grace to get back into work gently and without the extreme pressure of writing 1,000 excellent (no time to edit) words a day, but my last chapter shows that the pressure does not good work create :(

I wish I was strong and capable!  I wish I just got on with things like a crazy robot person!  DB is fed up of my lack of productivity so this is really the only place I feel I can be myself.  A whiny loser git person.

This isn't like me!  I am whiny yes, but largely positive?  I try and get on, usually?  Fecking doldrums.

Valley of shit indeed.

x J

Really scared!

First off, let me say that I am veeeer tired having been up with Bean all night, again.  He is definitely having a sleep 'issue' that is not just about a disrupted routine or me having been mardy.  i think it is about nightmares.  So i have had to spend this morning working out how to deal with this so we can all start to sleep.

So that has been sorted and my tiredness abated with tea and toast.  Now I need to turn my mind to work.  Oh, work.  What is work?!  I have 'issues' of my own with work that I need to address to actually do it.

Problem:  My confidence after the discussion chapter is still on the floor.  I am embarrassed and troubled by the fact that I genuinely think my being in this position (of completing a PhD) is a terrible mistake.  I am not clever, I am not thoughtful and my ideas are whack.

Solution:  1) You tend to feel this way after some time away from work.  Go back to it for half an hour, start editing the chapter and be pleased that your supervisor has basically re-written it for you!  Write it out, forget about it, move onto the literature review chapter.  2) You are not that bad.  You did two Masters and got distinctions and your supervisor is not a dimwit and recommended you on this course.  Doubt is fine, stultifying self-pity is not.  3) This is not a time for introspective self-reflection, do that after you have finished.  A PhD is rarely winged by anyone - every bugger has to work hard at it.  Yes, HARD WORK.  Now stop whining.

Problem: I don't know how to write a lit review or a methodology chapter.  The thought of it is making me feel ill and frightened.

Solution: Read the other, completed thesis your friend gave you and see how they did theirs.  Do NOT copy but do take note.  And you have written two methodologies before in Masters Dissertations.  And you have started on this one too as I recall.  Just do some writing, it'll be fine, stuff will come to you.  You have at least 4,000 word worth of rabbiting to do about your philosophical direction, and all the notes on this are laid out upstairs in the study.  Fret thee not - or at least fret in the time allocated to the methodology chapter.  This time is for lit review fretting only.

Problem: I am running out of time and am very scared!

Solution: Stop hiding from it.  You know that when you start working it becomes your friend again and you are all happy and confident.  The only time you feel shite is when you are avoiding it, ironically.  You HAVE to finish, so just grit your teeth, drink lots of coffee, do not get distracted by worries about Bean (!) and get the job done, bit by bit :)  Think more about how it will feel when you *do* finish your lit review (happy, excited, elated, proud), rather than how it feels now when you feel you can't (tired, depressed, useless, failing). 

Basically this has to happen or you will spend your WHOLE life feeling like you do now (see above).  And it will always be there and you will always think, 'maybe I should start up my phD again soon' which is just so bloody depressing and awful.  you will know you ducked out.  get it finished, and you will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee forever and know you did it.

Ok.  better now.  I have to go for a 1.5 mile run now, only titchy, for the last part of sorting my head out, get some positive endorphins going and focus, then eat lunch and I will sit down to work from 1pm.  If i don't go for a run I will just eat junk and smoke a fag and I do NOT want to do that!  Running will keep me focused, less snappy, less stressy, get me fitter and help me not rely on bad food and fags as crutches to get me through this. 

I will do jittery work, I can't pretend I will focus solidly for three hours but it will be work :)

x J

Feeling Better

I had my hospital appt, took all morning, and was sent away with a clean bill of health.  I can't explain how relieved and jubilant I am, I really didn't realise how much the appt was hanging over my head.  I guess i just felt so shit anyway that it merged in with all that.

Anyway, am fine.  Now all I have to do is look after myself generally and focus on work again.  I am not going to work today, although I should, but I feel so pleased about being well for the first time in aaaages and, well, I feel almost positive :)  This is amazing and I want to savour it and use it to get strong and happy again.  Tomorrow I shall work.

I have organised to see my PhD friend on Monday and will probably go and see my best mates, their teeny weans and go to a naff-fabulous eurovision party on the 26th in London.  I was thinking I will hibernate and work, work, work for the next two months but last night I felt so bleak, and hated that work was all I had in my life at the mo.  Going away would give me something to focus on and be motivated for so I think it is a good, necessary idea (I haven't seen them during this whole sorry episode and need my mates!) I feel much better for being sociable and well.

I just hope i feel like this tomorrow too.  Every day is different at the mo, but it is definitely a step in the right direction.

 x J

Erm

I don't know what to do... 

I managed to get Word (OMG £80 later) installed on my computer which I am not kidding took all afternoon!  I also sat in my office to do it, flipped my calendar from March to May, wrote in bits and bobs and started looking at the criticisms of the terrible discussion chapter.  I am very pleased with this effort and see all this as progress seeing as all I did in the morning was avoid it, cry a bit and feel sad.

I decided that I should just have a wee look and i did, and i cried a bit (again) about how awful it all was, at how overwhelming finishing at all felt and references and appendices and all proof read and UGH and sort of thought maybe I could just cry my way through the whole thing but at least hand something in.  then I stopped moping so much ;0)  I didn't actually do any work though!  BUT I feel guilty about that and like I ought to do something about it which is a huge improvement :)

Tomorrow I have a hospital appt (for another health issue - when it rains it pours it seems) which I hope will come to nought and I shall be back to work proper on thursday.  Ah I will work tomorrow night.  I will do the criticisms tomorrow night.

I have no idea how to get back into my lit review but keep telling myself that I have it all planned out.

The problem is that I just don't want to do it any more at all.  But then again, I do want my PhD.  I am very unmotivated and a complete eeyore.  Ask me again tomorrow.

I have seven weeks on friday to finish.

x J

Grrrr

I have been too ill to work today :( 

I woke up this morning and couldn't move for tiredness; DB had to take Bean to the childminder's and I went back to bed and slept until lunchtime...  Feel much better now but still really sore muscles (overdid it yesterday with all the walking and hoiking bean about) which is odd but who knows and just so tired. 

I cannot make any plans for tomorrow which I just hate, I do not like being so out of control.  If I wake up and feel ok I will work, if I don't, I won't.  Am so scared of being back on Tuesday and needing to come back at full pelt.  I don't know how I am going to achieve that, but also know I cannot work out how I will feel tomorrow let alone Tuesday so just have to sit and wait.  (hmm)

Tomorrow night we are off to the South for a lovely, fun, relaxing weekend away from work stress, family around to help out with Bean, a wedding - and a whole day and night away from Beanie for the first time since he was born (bar the night we had to go away to a wedding because babies weren't allowed and I hated it) with booze and dancing and happiness and a whole world of people who don't know about my misery :)

Till tomorrow then...

 x J

Hmmm Not Quite...

Back yet :)

I am skiving one more day and blaming DB as I don't have Word (free trial ran out) and need to be editing my shite discussion chapter today.  I don't mind at all, am really enjoying mooching about in a productive, healing way, without Bean on my apron strings and cbeebies blathering on because I am too tired to play, and drinks/food to make ;0) 

I am being very physical today, for the first time in a while so take today as getting back into the swing of a full, normal day; sorting out bean, taking him to the childminders (nearly a mile walk away), and am doing his tea and bedtime tonight.  Am still quite tired so will do all that and collapse later; tomorrow will be my back to work day, as really, I am not due back until next week so anything I do is a bonus.

Is all about poking my head back in the door of my study really.  I was in a very different place last time I was working in there and going back feels spooky and wierd!  I will though, tomorrow, with Word (rather important) and some coffee and sit and start working through Sup's scoring outs and scribbles on my chapter.  I shall have to overcome my pride and just deal with it, even if it really hurts and I can barely face it ;0)  I won't work the whole day, just an hour or two to get back into it.  Thursday I will work more again.  I really would like to have the chapter edited and printed to forget about, and a feeling that I know where I am at again in  my work for my return on Tuesday. 

I am off down South to meet my new neice-in-law and go to a wedding (can't WAIT, what fun, fun fun) Thursday night and back Monday night, hopefully tired but mentally refreshed and ready to put this shitty past in the past :)  Only 7 weeks then until I submit!  I can totally work for 7 weeks and just put this to bed.  Even if I get a bad PhD it will be a PhD eh, and the summer - and my future - is all MINE!

x J