Hmmm... day off

Ah well I haven't done anything today.

Except eat - and I watched a film!  All by myself in my empty house!  It has been marvellous and I feel much better for it.  I tried to feel guilty and stressed about deadlines but actually just couldn't because I dont really think there is anything to get really het up about (here, now, today...  tho can't skive tomorrow!).  I still have all of tomorrow and friday to get stuck into this chapter swap malarky and think with working so hard last week and over the weekend for the meeting yesterday I just needed a bit of downtime.  Am working this weekend too so won't have a break until possibly monday, tho I might need to work monday night.  Actually my last day off was Thursday i think, so having today off and then working another week is quite usual, I didn't realise (but my brain did!)

So I think I might just not work at all, then tomorrow will come back all refreshed and ready to go.

Nice.

x J

Making my new chapters

I have a week to re-organise my empirical chapters from two, into three.

This is fine, and I am quite excited and bored arseless by having to revist all my research notes again when I thought that was all done a dusted about a year ago!

However, I am also very hungry, very tired and feeling quite skivy today!  Yesterday I wrote up the notes from my Sup meeting into my intro and then had a lovely bath which did calm, me down a bit.  Then I wrote a plan of action for everything I needed to do to have a good first draft done and worked out it will take me two weeks.  This is about five days over my original deadline but I would rather hand in something halfway decent and then when I get it back I will have a month to edit and polish.  I hope it will be ok.  Sup was not worried about my deadlines at all and I feel that my chapters are coming along ok so can only go with that.

So I didn't have any time off yesterday to celebrate my successful meeting with Sup so think I will have a couple of hours today over lunch to just rest and let my brain ooze for a bit.  Oozing is good :)
Then I shall come back and carve up the chapters and start looking for old pre-edited drafts/new info/subheadings to fit into it.  I hope I have some!

 x J

All fine with Sup

All was fine with Sup.  Thank goodness.

Am still completely mashed from being so stressed this morning.  DB decided I really needed a new ink cartridge for my printer, which I did but could still print in blue and red so no great hurry...  (!) anyway, new cartridge wasn't purchased until after Bean was in bed so couoldn't print last night, and this morning my printer decided it hated the new cartridge and decided to die.  After half an hour of negotiating it did cough up the goods but by this time I was in a paddy, Bean was still not dressed or breakfasted and I was NOT amused.

I do not like leaving things till the last minute!  it was a good lesson in what NOT to do when completing!

Anyway all was well in the end.  Sup said that I need to refer to my thesis more and more in my work and that the lit review is still too long.  I knew this and showed him a new chapter I dreamed up last night which would take some of the heat off the lit review and incorporate (sp) the rest of the lit review I had to chop out but actually really need.  If I can't make a sensible chapter out if it then apparently I can feed it into the other chapters.

I have a lot of work to do to meet my deadlines but Sup was completely unfazed and said it was very doable and that I was making good progress :)  Hurray! 

I also spoke to him about the fact my deadline is a lie and I have to submit early because the copyzone will be shut and he said that i should then hand in in early jan and say I couldn't hand it in earlier.  he was completely nonplussed by my 'deadline' and says that for PhDs it isn't quite like other degrees and the deadline is negotiable to a point.  This is pleasing, although I will absolutely still have this written for xmas as I can't bear the thought of cooking xmas dinner and being pissed off I can't be checking my refs ;0)  I have a total fantasy of finishing up on xmas eve, then picking up my boy and DB coming home and we will Have Xmas, with lovely food and wine then watch tv together eating lots of chocolate and for the first time in years I shall RELAX.

Anyways sup is going to see what is going on with it all as he says it is most unfair and they need to either open so we can get our stuff printed, or give us more time after the date has passed.

I am frazzled.  Am going to go somewhere for an hour and just try and relax or something.  Then I shall spend an hour writing up into my intro the key points Sup made, then will leave it as the intro should ALWAYS be written at the end!

Am so pleased he is not fazed by my deadlines, and even said 'well, it looks like you almost have a first draft done here'.  I do!  Nearly a first draft!  WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Oh, and I am going mad.  I am now editing everything; if I watch a nature documentary I will edit the narrative - I will think 'ah, I wouldn't have bothered saying that.'  I notice quickly when something is pretending to be fact when actually it is being manipulative (which makes me cross as it is sloppy).  When being particularly stressed and grumpy I also edit DB.  Sometimes he says things within a sentence that are kind of superfluous explanation (i.e. chatting) and I mentally put these parts in footnotes or parenthesis, and generally quite angrily urge him to get to the point (in my head).  And I think to myself that if I wanted those extra bits i would look at the footnotes myself, please don't waste my time blathering on.  And I think that he should just get to the point.  How weird and grumpy is that?!  Poor DB.  Oh and I can't read anything.  If I read the paper I can only skim read and I can't read a book because I feel like I have to rush through it or basically just get to the conclusion...  And I am very easily overstimulated.  I think work (and looking after Bean) is just taking over my brain to the exclusion of all else and if I watch too much tv I get quite stressed and feel like a million people are shouting at me.  So when i go to bed I lie there for about half an hour just staring into space while my thoughts settle.  (And then quite often I can't sleep, actually)  Is all fine and manageable - mostly because I am coming to the end of the work so can deal with it for a next few weeks - but I am definitely becoming rather strange.

x J

done!

YAYAYAYAY!

It is done.  the intro (rough) is written, is coherent and can be shown to my sup on Tues.

Will print it out tomorrow, for now I am having apple crumble and custard for celebratory pud :)

I have now got (or will tomorrow) six chapters printed, another to be redrafted (the discussion aka conclusion) and then only one more to write, then my first draft is kind of done.  The best thing for me is knowing there is nothing more I can do for today :)

Hurray!  (for now)

x J

Bit of evening work

Am back, post roast :)

DB is doing bean's bathtime so I am sat re organising my intro, which I am glad I did as it was a mess and now it is not so much :)  If I can get it edited tonight that would be a dream, then I can print it off tomorrow and forget about it until I see Sup on Tuesday.  I hate last minute panic working.

Am currently cooking apple crumble for my pud.  thought either I can eat it and edit at the same time or have finished and be all free just to scoff.

I have worked a LOT today!  hours and hours! 

Still super keen to get on with the discussion/new chapter.  I might see if  can do some of that tomorrow eventime.

x J

Reluctantly finished for the day

I have managed to finish editing my theory chapter and is printed out to show Sup.

Unfortunately it is in blue as my black printer ink has run out!  eek. 

I have to go downstairs now and finish the roast, when really i want to stay up here for a while longer yet.  well,. actually i would like a break and then to come back up and do some more before it gets proper late.  oh well. 

I still have to finish the intro chapter, I really wanted to finish that today but i did this theory ch instead :(  Arf.  I really wanted to have a look at my discussion chapter (as was) and the extra notes I have and see if I can fashion a chapter/extra scribblings out of that instead of writing a brand new chapter from scratch.  Then I could have talked to Sup about that on tues.  Instead I have to make roast potatoes!  Arg.

I might open the intro chaper now quickly and just skim over it and see if it is worth printing out now.  Or wait and print it out tomorrow night, if I just take a couple of hours looking at it instead of alllllll day like today.  I still don't even like this chapter!

Anyway.  Sunday and family await.  (Hehe 'await' first typed as 'away' in my touch-typing.  Freudian slip eh?!)

Oh, I have written 70,000 words now.  Only 10,000 more to find...
 
x J

working lots

Am editing my methodology (theory) chapter today, have been doing it for aaaages.

Am also cooking roast lamb.

DB has just brought me the strongest coffee in the whole world.

When I have finished editing this ch (I really shouldn't be on it for much longer, is so much more to do!) I will have to have a look over the intro chapter, although I won't stress about that as Sup won't have time to read it before Tues anyway.  I will give it to him on tues to skim over and he can tell me where it is all wrong and I can fix it and edit it at the same time then.

I have reached a stage now where I am cross referencing between chapters :)  I realised when looking through this theory ch that at one point I say I do some kind of analysis in chapter four, when actually I don't think i have!  So i have made a note of this and when am working on chapter four will make sure I add in what I need to.  Is fascinating that I have now reached a stage where I am working threads through all the chapters and getting them to interlink :)

Anyway.  better get back on with it.

x J

Hurrah! and thank feck!

I have just finished my first draft of the intro.  Hurrah.

I have also just had an email from sup about the theory chapt I sent him and he says it is fine, pretty much!  WOW and PHEW!  I needed that email, I really did as I was starting to think it was shite and think about altering it...  Do NOT fiddle!  Apparently the 'protest banners' (see earlier post) 'really sing' and this is really good.  This means two things: a) i did something right (!); and b) my protest banners must be reasonable or he would have said, yes?  He would have said 'you can't have that it is too vague/been said before/crap/a lie/ an abomination on PhDs everywhere/a blight on my eyes'.  but he didn't!  he said 'bravo'!  HURRAHHHHH!

I am getting somewhere!  I know what I am arguing!  And someone else thinks it is worth arguing (implicitly)! 

He re-wrote my intro for me to show me what it should look like (I am generally quite good at them but with stress and tiredness my brain has dulled and I can't write so am grateful for the reminder) and other than that is is just syntax I need to sort out :)

Am chuffed to bits, I can do that tomorrow or monday night before seeing him.

And I just finished the intro and can't do any more on that today or will just fiddle and faff and that is pointless.

So I am going to reward myself with the rest of the day off. 

Thank feck.

Will be back tomorrow asap.

yay!

x J

Working when can

Just got up (is my lie-in day :)) so am going to do a quick ten minutes now just to keep my hand in and not be so worried about it and therefore bickery with my family.

The work is making me rather prickly to be around at the moment I have to say!  I am so worried about it!

I did some work last night while Bean was in the bath (!) playing (watching him of course!) and then another 20 mins after he had gone to sleep before DB came home and bought me burger and chips for me tea :)

Will do my ten mins now and then try and negotiate some serious work time for later.

Am really very worried about how I am going to complete this in time now!

Oh, also, I did get an email from uni about the 'new' deadline and the research admin lady confiremed that is what she has just heard from the hub too and that she can see I must be very worried about losing 2 weeks and that is not cool.  She is going to contact another dept about whther there will be a skeleton staff available at the copyzone to help us PhDers as closing for two weeks is a bit unfair.

Am working for the deadline of the 17 Dec anyway.

x J

The dinosaur exists

see previous post, but I have found the first dinosaur that is looking to eat me!

I have learnt that the copyzone at my Uni, where they INSIST you print and bind your thesis, is closed over the xmas holidays.  My submission date is the 31 dec, and I would obviously like to use as much of this time as I can, but instead because the bloody shitty copyzone is closed for TWO WEEKS I have to finish early and hand in on the 19 Dec.

I am so upset.  I am so so so upset.  This means I have two weeks less to work than I thought.  This is a complete nightmare.

sob.  I am so angry.  If they insist you print there they should be open!  wtf?!  Why am i being penalised by something utterly out of my control :(

I know I am ranting and on some level I know they aren't going to keep the place open for a couple of us who need to complete at that time.  but at the same time, when I get an email from uni saying 'we have extended your deadline to the 31 Dec' I would prefer it if they just said the truth, which is that there is no way I can submit at that time, but in fact will have to submit at least two weeks earlier because uni doesn't exist in the holidays.  I need, want those two weeks.  They are my weeks!

Why has no one told me?!

AAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh.

Childminder off

Arf so I was all ready to have a day of doing my methodology...  and the childminder is off!

Just yesterday I was thinking to myself that it was about time as well.  And it always seems to happen when I am on a roll with work, something to do with Bean crops up so I have to leave it when I least want to and struggle to come back to it again.  A day with him will be lovely though, we will just hang methinks, go out for a walk maybe...

I am looking after him tonight too as DB is out so will just take today as my day off this week.  Will work tomorrow night when DB gets home and over the weekend.  The childminder has said I can have next Friday to work in lieu so I am not as upset as I would have been otherwise. 

I had a dream last night that I was looking after cute little dinosaurs and fishies and all was going well until I left a gate open and realised they were now big dinosaurs...  and were eating my cute fish and starting to eye me up too.  I think this was a stress dream about worrying that I feel too ok with work and am waiting for something to come and bite me on the bum and terrify me.

Am so scared!

Until tomorrow then.

x J

Wierd but Exciting!

This is really weird...

but after I had written earlier all the things I need to do I closed my laptop and thought that it cannot be right.  I must have a LOT more to do...  I thought and thought and went through my list of chapters but really, I have written everything in rough (bar the one chapter I haven't written yet but that will be ok...  Am actually hoping I won't have to write it or that it will be a mixture of other, unused work)  - even the abstract.  2/3s of the refs are in endnote (though am sure that will be a fucker when it comes to trying to organise the biblio) and really, it is all doing ok considering I have 9 weeks until submission... 

And I can't believe it!  I haven't noticed getting to this stage at all but at some point I stopped having millions of chapters to write, but I am sooooo used to having to do sooooo much work that it seems alien to me to think I only have a bit more to do!  but of course I do, and one day I won't have *any* more to do!

It gives me shivers to think!  I must be nearly there.  I know editing will throw lots of surprises at me I don't yet know about...  but I have time.  Not lots, but if I keep plugging away it should be ok.  I am not saying I won't have a stressy breakdown or two along the way.  But I am not saying I can't do it either.

I might do it.

I might!

Oh, and today I realised I ought to send off my 'intention to submit' form to uni so they can get my examiners together.  And I am now going to email the uni hub who deal with our binding etc and ask if it is ok to send it in on Xmas Eve.  Oooh!

 x J

All done

Ah I have blitzed it and finished that section :)

Is 4,500 words, so 500 over what it should be but for now I have to leave it so can come back and edit it again with fresh eyes over the weekend.  It is all there though, structure all there, signposting all there, how it refers to my research is all there (again and again!  might have overdone it!) and is well referenced.  Should be fine.  I think.

Anyway, have done the best I can for now and can't ask for anything else!

Am off for a half hour lie down as a reward and will be back tomorrow to graft in the 4000 words of methodology I wrote before going on holiday (and being told I didn't need more than a couple of thousand...  (sad face))  Then I have the chapter outline bit written but will need updating, a para on ethics... and all is done for a rough draft!

After this chapter I have to turn the discussion ch into a conclusion; to proof read and do the refs for an old chapter; the abstract to possibly re-write...  and then am pretty much done for my first draft!  (apart from having to find a whole new chapter to write...!)  Collating the lot into one thesis will be quite exciting!  (And depressing when I see the word count is 65000 words or something.  How I wish the references and appendices counted!)

halloween next week!  soooooo excited :)

x J
 

Working well today

I have done good work today and am concentrating well.

I went to bed insanely early last night and it has really helped.  Tho I really do have to keep working anyway to keep on top of deadlines so have no choice anyway!

Am working on the lit review section of the introduction today, just making sure it all makes sense and cutting and pasting stuff in from my old lit review as I need to.  Am glad that it is mostly a case of swapping text around and editing than re-writing, I have to say.  the biggest change is writing all the time, after every point WHY I am making that point/referencing that literature, and linking it directly to the contentions of the thesis.  Is really scary saying out loud what you are arguing (in humanities, am sure is not the same after lab work) because I don't really believe it myself (which my Sup said was perfectly normal!).  Anyway, is just a case of writing these things out for now, to refine when Sup looks at it and tells me my contentions have already been made a gazillion times by bla-de-bla later.

Last night I did some work on an old chapter in front of the tv for an hour; one of my old chapters from about 4 years ago (!) was written with an old word and old referencing system so I was worried it won't work with my endnote.  I did manage to re-format it with endnote tho (though still looks funny) and started entering the refs into endnote - they are all web addresses so very long and boring but it has to be done!

Plodding along nicely.  Better get back to it.  Really hope I get this section done today, am a bit tense until I do.

Two weeks tomorrow until first draft deadline!  Am rather sanguine about it :)  it is also interesting how I really have stopped thinking in terms of specific chapters and think about the thesis as a whole a lot more now.  A good sign, I think.

x J

Done A-Ok

I have done lots of work!

I have managed to get the basic outline of the lit review section into the chapter, which stands at around 3,200 words at the mo.  Should be between 3000 and 4000 so that is good.

Tomorrow I will need to read through it and see if the bits I have copy-and-pasted flow into each other ok, make sure that each section is linked and signposted and that the overall message is coherent.  I also need to make sure that I consistently flag-wave about my research; state why this info is relevant/out of date/needs to be debunked so it never looks like I am just spraffing on about stuff for the sake of it :)

Then it shall be done (roughly).  I hope to have that completed tomorrow.

For now I am going to collapse, am shattered then get DS who will have to contend with a very tired, lackadaisical Mother!

x J

Trying but Being a Bit Thick

Today is Tuesday.

Bean is in childcare and I have the house to myself for the first time in a week.

I am exhausted from simply getting up.

I am motivated but... I am also enjoying this lovely quiet downtime :)  The space!  The freedom!  ahhhhh.

Sometimes (usually) I feel alone when I am home, ahem, alone, but today I just feel wonderful contentment.  Away with you family!  Leave me be with your irascable demands! 

However, this is not conducive to work.  I am simply enjoying existing too much to ruin it with working.

I have done some work this morning and endeavour to do more.  However, I am just being a bit thick today.  I am really very tired and need my wits about me to work out how to paraphrase my lit review into my intro.  I do not have faith that these wits are actually anywhere near and I will spend all day trying to go uphill backwards.  I am also feeling complacent and I have no right to at all but it just is one of those days when the child in my head wants to play and the grown up is just standing by, reading a book.  I need the grown up to step in, goddamn.  Focus the child!

Sooooo.  Today it is probably best not to set big targets or expect big things.  However, today can be a good day still.  I have three hours of lovely time. 

I have to think about what I like to achieve. 

• I am worried about how much reorganising my lit review from 13000 to 4000 words is actually going to be re-writing it.  This is really worrying me; I did hope (think/presume) it would be a case of just chopping out the rubbish.  I think maybe today I should read through all of it and check that this really isn't the case.  It will take much longer if it isn't the case.  I don't want to read through it.
• I have to think about the basic structure of my revised lit review.  What are the key points I have made in the long version and can I just edit text around those in the new version?

erm, that's it.  That would be a very good start to getting this bit done.

Off to do 10 mins.  And it really will be 10 mins, as today I am a Bit Thick.

x J

 

OOOOH!

Oh oh oh!  I am excitable!

I have been reading through the lit review and there are pages of intro text explaining concepts and terms that i don't need in my lit review (as I understand one to be now)...  but WOULD be good in another chapter I have written! 

Re-use and re-cycle :)

woohoo!  I hope this keeps happening, that would be smashing.  A) I wouldn't have wasted all that work and b) it will keep my word count up.

hurrah!

x J

Revising the Intro: owch

Ah dear.

I have started revising my intro which in itself is actually fine.  In a way it is great because I look at it now and where 6 months ago I saw half a chapter I now see a load of unnecessary twaddle.  So, a lot of deleting has gone on.  I am a bit worried about this because I am feeling quite ruthless today, like you do when you need a good clear out of your junk cupboard and feel quite unemotional about everything so chuck it...  I might think back in a few days and be like 'oh...  where's such and such a bit gone?'  Eek!

BUT it is not so good because I feel sad about my lit review chapter.  I can see that, as it will be incorporated into my intro, a lot of the chapter will be cut out, all the intro's and concl will go, it really needs to cut the chase a lot more and that is just fine...  but also a LOT of explanatory background text that I spent ages finding references for, writing out and making sure it made sense and, well, explained stuff.  i don't need that.  And it hurts.  It is stuff I don't want to throw out!  It is perfectly decent material!  I have no use for it but maybe someone else could have it...  But no, it is, of course, of no use to anyone else.  I have to just cut my losses and leave :(

In fairness it is the only time I have had to do this in the whole PhD so it isn't that bad I suppose.  But then again.  Owch.  I am fond of it!  It's not like I think I need it, I don't - I can see this now.  But...  just, owch.  Weeks of work deleted, just like that.

But then I suppose once i have gut up my gumption and deleted and re-worked it then I will be half way toward finishing my intro, which is another chapter I would have spent ages writing gumph for if I wasn't grafting this chapter into it instead.  So time wasted in one place has actually been time saved in another.

I just don't want to delete 8000 words!  sob.

x J

Chapter sent off

So the theory chapter is at last out of my hair as I sent it to Sup.

I am dreading his response, I know he will be shocked by its shitness.  however, i can't do it on my own I don't know up from down with it, and if he still worked at uni he would have me visiting every two weeks with nuggets of crap work and a tear streaked face instead.  So he has got off lightly.

Am chuffed I have done it so quickly.  I think it goe to show that when you are not feeling like death that it all comes together much quicker than you might otherwise think.  Maybe a couple of days off is what I needed! 

Am so happy we are meeting up soon.  A week on Tuesday, actually. 

So now what? 

The intro: 
Edit and subsume the lit review. 
Edit and subsume the Methodology.
Write the chapter outline.
Write the conclusion.

Have this done by Friday (so finish on Thursday). 

Then spend weekend sorting out discussion chapter (that is now the conclusion) for Monday.

Collate and print out first draft for Sup (minus one chapter) for Tuesday?  email and ask.

x J

Much Better; Working :)

Ah.  I am much, much better now.

DB has taken the nipper out for a swim and I am left alone in the house, all chores have been done this morning and the gammon is in the slow cooker for us tea.

I have just done ten minutes worth of editing the (stupid and hated) methodolgy theory chapter which actually turned into 15 mins, which is fabulous because sitting at my desk at getting back into the swing of things has been haunting me.  I have been dreading wasting lots of time being unable to understand where I was at, or why.  But it is ok. 

I have to work Very Hard for a while to get this draft in.  Sup said he would be pleased to have my first draft soon, however rough.  I am clinging onto this 'however rough' as this chapter really is pretty rough.  I don't like it.  BUT it is there and really I wonder if I am readching a point where I am juggling words around because I have hit some kind of wall with it and just need to move onto something else for a while.  And while I do that something else I might as well give this to Sup to look at (and hopefully edit for me :)) 

So.  Am going to back to it because when I have this chapter 'done' (rough, rough but done) which just means finishing editing the intro and concl, I am a LOT more free.  I will send it to Sup today and just explain that it is rubbish but the ideas are there and if he thinks it needn't go into the actual thesis then at least I wouldn't have wasted another week polishing it up. 

Am motivated, the sun is shining, am only doing 10 min shifts and DB is coming home with a maccy dees for me lunch.  Hurrah!

x J 

really ill

food poisoning. better now but wiped out.  DB says can have today off and work all day tomorrow.

bluegh.

x J

ill :(

Oh bugger tits.

I am meant to be working tonight but am ill!  I feel sick as a dog :(  I feel insanely guilty and worried about it.

I will have to work tomorrow, hopefully it is nothing or even maybe psychosomatic - it did only come on this afternoon!  But then if I am making myself ill that is reason not to work too.  If I did try it would only be crap.

Its weird but I always feel so guilty not working when I am ill!

Tomorrow I will finish this chapter, I will nail it, I will own it.

Or something.

x J

Ah its fine

Well I just had a quick squizz at the chapter again and am thinking it is ok really.

It does need refining and tidying up but then again, it is a first rough draft and how long am I meant to spend on this draft just to send it to Sup and find it is wholly unnecessary?!  the drafts I have been sending have been top notch editing wise and I get told 'don't need it'.  So I think i will leave this one as it is (well, will spend another morning on it) and then send it off so he can see whether there is any merit in the chapter at all before totally dissing it, or giving me the green light to refine it.

I think that is best.

phew, that means I can skive tonight.  I will work on it on Saturday and then start on something else!  Ah, change is as good as a rest.

x J

Worked loads gotta go!

Arf I have worked LOADS and now I have to leave and am actually rather enjoying it now!

Am only ten pages away from finishing so a good couple of hours more work and I will have it done.  It will be a dreadful first draft tbh, it is neither here nor there so i don't know what I have been doing.  Atm I am just seeing what the chuff I have and tinkering as I go, then i will have to go back to the beginning and flesh it out more so it actually makes sense.

I might cheat and send it to Sup first and see if he helps me with any of it.  I am a bit stuck with it as I hate it and think I need a break from it tbh.

Boring.

x J

Working hard

And not enjoying it at all.  I am bored and tired.

I am motivated by the fact that if I don't do this I will feel really awful, and by the fact that I am having tomorrow off as it is DB's Birthday.  I just have to get it done or I will start getting into trouble with my deadlines.

But I am not happy!

x J

Not tonight, love

I had a GREAT hospital appt.  Great, great.

So I don't think I can be arsed to work tonight, I might just go to bed early and watch some good tele and relax and start again tomorrow all refreshed and clear-headed.

Tomorrow, I will work LOTS!

x J

Back, finally

I sat down to work on Thursday night and DB came home with some dreadful news about our friends and so I didn't work.  Not then and not all weekend.  Once I stopped working on it I lost the flow and going back to it, particularly when I wasn't really in the mood and, once again, work seemed so trivial in the grand scheme of things, was very difficult.

However, I just made myself do ten minutes and am just delighted with myself.  Am so, so, so pleased!  I have to go to hosp later to talk about some test results and altho it is nothing life threatening it is pretty worrying and it is taking up all my energy at the moment.  But I worked, I am continuing to work, and this is really something to be pleased with. 

I have to keep telling myself, when I have left my work under a rock in the garden, locked all the bolts on the door and am hiding in the cupboard under the stairs, that it isn't the bogeyman, really.  The bogeyman is NOT DOING IT and the guilt and fear I feel from leaving it.  It becomes monstrously frightening, it rattles around in my head and doesn't let me enjoy anything or even sleep well.

I have to tame the beasty, and the ONLY way this can happen is by confronting it.  When even ten minutes seems too daunting you know you are in a bad place!   But momentum is the ONLY way that work can be my friend.  So I have to do it.  In a paradoxical way, working is my way of relaxing.  I cannot relax if I haven't worked - although I can kid myself that it doesn't matter.

I am off to make a cup of coffee and then shall come back and do another ten minutes of editing my theory chapter (yes, I am allowed and supposed to write this chapter).  I am trying not to think about deadlines and how much work I have to do in such a small space of time because that will definitely send me scurrying back to my cupboard under the stairs.  I am just thinking about the next ten minutes and getting this chapter finished this week (was meant to be done last week).  Friday I shall start something new.

x J

 

Working through treacle

UG I am glad today is nearly over.

It has been a very productive day and I have nearly finished editing my chapter, which has been fairly straightforward.  And with the chat from my sup and working out my 'banners' I have really made progress.

But I am tired.  And cold.  And, actually, really lonely!  Am dying to get my chatty little man back and be 'busy' rather than sat here flicking between my chapter and facebook (for company).

Think I will work better on the weekend when I have the chatter of my family downstairs; I don't like being on my own!

x J

Feels like a Proper Thesis!

Ah ha!

After my chat with Sup I have been editing my theory chapter and adding in loads of justification for why am using my theory that directly links to my research...  and it is feeling so good!  Instead of a) waffling on about all I know about said theories; or b) saying they help me analyse stuff at the macro level (for example), I am writing what exactly it helps me show e.g. shows the argument that bla bla  represses bla bla.

I am coming out peeps, I am staking my claims, my banners are out!

It is quite uncomfortable...  but it feels so right!  Is starting to feel very much mine now :)

x J

Spoke to Sup

Sup called and we had a phone meeting.

This is awful for me because I have a phone phobia!  But I knew that I couldn't get out of it and also I knew that I would learn a LOT so sucked it up and got on with it. 

Basically what I am doing is just dandy (ahem, might have popped in the word 'brilliant' :s) and he started blathering on about how I will graduate in July!  OMG!  Graduate?!  Me?!  July?!  Ok then!  He is very pleased my first draft is coming along but not at all panicky about where the feck my work is.  He said that despite the difference in theses and research it is bizarre how similar the process of finishing a PhD is amongst his candidates and said that he had to put his other candidate (he only has the two of us now as he actually retired from the dept about two years ago!) through the wringer lately.  This is amazing news and has done a lot for my confidence!  Haha, no, not because I am a bitch and happy someone else got a bollocking (well, he doesn't bollock just chides gently) but because it meant I am not a dolt all on my own, but we are all dolts, with strengths and weaknesses and producing a PhD is a LONG process of learning, editing and revising, not a feat of spontaneous genius.

He thinks there is one chapter I can split into two and thereby make the research more empirically weighty, rather than theoretical as I keep wanting to do.  This is fine as I thought the same... though I really hope I have an old edit of that chapter where I blather on.  Is nicely edited but now, apparently, I have to 'un-edit' it.  Ho hum.  It isn't such a disaster.

Other main point was to stick to my point ALL the time.  What is the case I am making with the PhD, what is my argument?  stick it on the wall and say it again and again (but in different ways to mix it up a bit!) so everything you write is sort of justifying it.  To come up with this he asked me to imagine I was on a protest march: what would I put on my banner?  And imagine I was leading the march: what 3/4 other slogans would I have for them to carry - basically saying the same thing but in a punchy, attention grabbing way.  This is great and I will work on this today.  He also said to wave my thesis in front of the reader all the time.  Be proud of it.  This was a point I agreed with hugely as I said I was very underconfident in what I had to say and in my research.  But he said it was fine and this is normal and just do it.

I feel much better and more anchored now.  And just speaking to someone in real life about my work makes it feel like it is a real thing, that is for a real purpose and not just me being crackers in my spare room.

x J

Onwards (again)

Ok.  Yesterday was a write off. 

It was my first day back and on my own for nearly a month and yes, I spent it all in a daze, floundering about in the silence of my house and my new found freedom.  The fact I could go to the loo with the door shut and no toddler shouting at me was dazzling and unnerving.

Today I am over it!  I was pretty miserable about the whole thing too, but at some point I have picked myself up off the floor, dusted myself off and am willing to have another crack at finishing this bloody bloody bastard. 

I just managed to do ten minutes of work and in that time wrote down all the action points I have to work on from the communications with my Sup over the past few weeks re: lit review, introduction, and methodology.  I have then worked out how long it will take me to do them and this is just over two weeks, which means I should have a rough first draft (minus one chapter, yet to be arranged) for my meeting with Sup at the end of Oct.  This is exciting and motivating.  I have also realised that although the lit review is damned to hell as a chapter in itself, actually it means I have half of the introduction written, which I had planned to spend all of this week and next week working on.  I now do not need all this time, a week should suffice so that is grand and shows that my work before the holiday was not, in fact, a total waste of time.  I also have the methods part of the intro written, so that means, bar the chapter outline sections, that chapter is done.  It just needs assembling as I take the parts from the other defunct chapters!

Over the next few days I am revisitng my theory chapter and tidying it up.  Then that chapter will be complete.  Good stuff.

However, as I said earlier, I actually have to write another chapter to add to my research section.  I emailed Sup and told him I was going to be about 10000 words down and he said I should do another research chapter.  I don't know what to write about this, tbh it has been a long, long while since I properly looked at any of my research stuff.  And it takes me months to write chapters from scratch, whhich concerns me but I am going to try and just let this come to me as things do.  If I mull it over in the back of my brain.  I have ideas about what I can write about but nothing that warrents 8000 words yet, maybe at our meeting Sup will help me with this.

So it is ok.  I have done my first 10 mins of work and didn't cry and feel ok.  I can only keep trying, and if I hand in something dreadful, well, at least I didn't give up.

But fuck ME I am sick of getting it wrong all the time!  revise, edit, re-write, re-jiggle...  oh it is depressing!  :)

x J

 

Bah

I have tried working this weekend but I think I have writer's block!

I am stuck because The last THREE chapters I have written have been wrong for different reasons.  Now, I know this sounds ridiculous - all chapters are wrong on some level in the first draft.  But when you learn *you didn't need to write them* then it is depressing and worrying and not conducive to creativity and productivity!

I spoke to DB last night and cried a bit (sobbed a lot) and he was utterly gorgeous, saying that I am nearly there and it is only a dip, not a nightmare, and to email Sup and see what he wants from me re: the wordcount and thesis outline.  And he reminded me that when I am working well I enjoy what I do.  This is true!  and lovely to remember. 

So I emailed Sup today but he is away until Weds so will hear from him Thursday hopefully.  I reminded him of the chapter structure and word count for each and illustrated how this only adds up to about 65000 words, so asked where the difference will be made up.  I don't want to write a 10000 words intro or 15000 word conclusion to be told again 'you should only write 8000 for these'.  I sat up late, I worked weekends, I worked through Bean's naptimes, I ATE my way through those chapters I DIDN'T NEED TO WRITE!  I don't want to do that AGAIN!

I have to remember that a) doing a PhD is an apprenticeship and about making mistakes; b) making mistakes is not a problem as long as you learn from them and; c) I DID NOT KNOW I wasn't to do a lit review or methodology chapter :(  No fucker told me and really, this could have been brought to my attention YEARS ago.  grrrrr.

I am thinking to myself that this situation is like being injured for an athlete.  I am on the sidelines, having to nurture my injury (my shit chapters) and have physio (work out how to make the work useful and good again) and in the meantime and frustrated that I am not out there running like everyone else.  Instead I am sat watching everyone else apparently get on with their practice with ease and I am a jumbled up bag of nerves, fretfulness and anxiety.  However, I will get fit again, and maybe come back stronger (with moer knowledge and understanding of my subject and how to write my PhD).  It will be OK.

So.  I have decided I can do an intro of sorts, and will send Sup everything I have written before I write too much more.  Then we can go through together where I need to make it better.

Only three months to go.  Shit and thank fuck :)

x J

Stopped Tantrumming

I am still quarantined at home with Bean and his pox.  he is't ill yet, I have a feeling it may be the calm before the storm...

I have managed to be arsed to open my chapters and have seen the editing done by my Sup and am relieved to say that it is all minor stuff.  hurray to that.  However, I can definitely see how he thinks it can be cut down.  It is a lovely piece of work but there is too much of it.  It needs to be more ruthlessly to the point and I can see where a LOT can be cut out.  As it stands it would be a marvellous MA dissertation but needs to be the next cut above to be a PhD.  This is fine, and am glad to recognise this.  It is all progress.  So I need to edit that chapter into the introduction. 

I have also looked at my methodology chapters and realise I probably can ditch almost the whole chapter i was working on, and consolidate it into a couple of paragraphs (which would be lovely as I hate it and find it dull, dull, dull) and the other methodology chapter on theory I shall just keep. 

Which means that I have a lot of words I have carefully crafted and honed that will never see the final edit :(  I am so sad!  I am not demoralised though.  Oh no.  I am still trying my best, even if this is rather a curveball.   Instead of losing stuff I have to think about how it is getting better and better, and closer to the End Product.  I can't be arsed to get worried about it, I just have to get on!

So, I plan to write an intro with all these other bits (ex chapters) in and send it off and see if it is what is expected.  I will then re-write the discussion to be a conclusion and edit the theory chapter I just wrote.  I think I will then collate the whole thesis and send it on to him for before our meet on the 30th and see what he says about the draft so far.  It will be 15000 words too short at least (sad face) but without doubt he will see the holes and I can re-write filling these in.  This plan worries me because it won't be a 'proper' first draft as I hoped, and I will only be two months away from my submission date... which doesn't leave much time for error (and I am making big, time wasting errors atm!) but I think it would be a good way to go.  I am not entirely sure he remembers what my thesis is about seeing as it has been years since he read many chapters, and also old chapters mey be utter shit now and need thousands of words adding on that i don't know about yet, but he will.

I need help!  Am SO glad we are having a meeting. 

x J

chicken pox!

Ah crikey.  Two, nearly three weeks off and first day back and what happens?  Bean has been struck with the pox! 

Arf.  So I am not at work at all but on the settee in front of Fireman Sam with a snuggly 2 year old.  I won't be able to work properly until at least the weekend, maybe not until Tuesday when hopefully the pox will have subsided and Bean can go to the childminder's. 

Work-wise I feel ace for my time off and ready to get back to it.  However, I am incredibly confused as Sup is adamant that my lit review should be 4000 words tops and the methodology a sentence - not a chapter :(  Which cuts my word count down to about 65000 words!  Wtf?!  How on earth do I make up these words?

What upsets me is WHY OH WHY did my Sup not tell me this like, three years ago?!  I have sent him so many chapter outlines and they all clearly state a chapter for lit review and methodology :(  And WHY OH WHY have I been repeatedly told to keep the chapters I *have* written down to 8000 words if actually they need to be about 12000?

I am ok, and know that it is all fine, but I don't really know how it is fine.  So am not too fussed really that beanie is home poorly (not that I would be anyway, obviously he comes before any stupid degree) but will do 10 mins when he is napping and just sort of try and work out the puzzle.

The thing is I like the methodology chapter and do think it is relevant.  But then again, is it?!  Sup has gone through a third of my lit review and stopped, saying it was beautifully written (hurray) and excellently referenced (twice hurray!) but I haven't related it to the thesis quickly enough.  It is too 'stand alone'.  This is fine and can be changed with editing so am really pleased with that result, better than being badly written and referenced.  BUT obviously about a third of it can be cut out before I apparently start getting to the nitty gritty which takes it down to 6000 words already.  And with heavy editing this can certainly get down to 4000. 

Is so gutting because I worked for hours and hours on that chapter, and if I had known it was only ment to be 4000 words I might have saved some time.  Am so pissed off and feel I have been a busy fool.  But then again, a PhD is an apprenticeship and we can't go into it knowing all the answers or why do it at all?  We are always learning and surely this is all part of learning from our mistakes. 

Anyway, am just chasing my tail at the moment and don't really know what to do next.  Am so fearful of 'wasting' more time, writing shit that doesn't need to be written!  The great thing is that I have a meeting with Sup on the 30th Oct and he said he is happy to go through the lit review with me and get it into shape.  But then again by then I want to be a week away from hand in on my first draft.  Lots of 'buts' and 'whats' and staring out of windows waiting for an epiphany.

It is ok though.  I will go to my desk later for ten mins and just sort of stare at stuff and have a ponder about what is best to do next. 

eek!

x J