Signed off again!

I went to the drs and have been told NOT to work and been signed off for three weeks with stress. 

Is actually depression (I thought I might be a bit depressed but didn't think a dr would think I was too) but I don't want Uni knowing that.  Apparently my miscarriage was the worst type to go through, dragging on the way it did and is perfectly normal to feel so shit afterwards, which is very reassuring.  I said about how I couldn't work at all and thought it was all so stupid and she said that I would at the moment so not to even try.

I am not sure what I am going to do.  I really would like to have this finished by the time I go to Italy in September.  I think I might give myself next week off for the jubilee etc and also DB is off work for nine whole days... so would be a good time to take my mind off things, try and have some fun and hopefully cheer up a bit :)  Then start work again after that but slowly.  I dunno, hopefully I'll feel better and mor positive and capable and able to concentrate then - basically be a different person ;0)

Need to have a look at when I meant to be finishing, am so confused about my deadline now!  Then work out a comfortable schedule within which to finish by Sept.  Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.

x J

Nothing Doing

I have done nothing today. 

Well, I have done housework and pondered about whether to cancel my drs appt this aft or not, decided yes, rang surgery and they say they are closed for the afternoon, I walk there to check and turns out they are closed until my appt time.  So I can't cancel and anyway was a bit wibbly wobbly anxious when out (though am fine and dandy at home) so should go along anyway.  I don't expect to get much from it other than advices to run and see my friends more and come back next week if I still feel the same.  I would like to be signed off a bit longer, though am off till weds anyway (though have come back this week as i have to) so doubt that would happen either.

I don't even know what to say and think I will just blather on incoherently about uni deadlines and anxiety and they will say 'erm, you are doing a PhD, what did you expect?  Everyone else manages?' and i shall cry and shuffle away in total agreement.

The thing is, I haven't been able to work because i spend my whole fricking day thinking about how not to feel anxious and depressed and how to feel better.  All.  Bloody.  Day.  If I wasn't thinking about that, to just feel normal and keep an even keel, then I would be working.

bah. 

My kitten purred today :)  She is so feral and timid and I was thinking yesterday that she might never really take to us but she purred, really loudly, and then settled herself in MY SPOT on the settee.  I have been usurped :)

Is pizza and apprentice night tonight, DB and I are being slobs.

x J

Did a bit, not much

Today, dear reader, i got a bit lost.

I have done some work, but only a teeny bit, though as usual am pretty chuffed I even did that.  I didn't even feel panicky doing it, just a bit bored :)  Realised one bit in the chapter of awfulness that my Sup seems to really like, it has a big tick and says 'wow!' in the margin, which before I took as sarcasm but now, with noticing the tick, think he might have meant kindly.  Just goes to show my state of mind eh?!  Still skeptical though, think it might have been sarky.

Today I have mostly read the paper and internet and felt a bit crap.  I am off to the drs tomorrow and have decided it is all in vain and am just a twatty skiving bastard of loserness.  Am sure the dr will confirm this and I will feel even worse.  Am really worried that I won't finish this.  How will I do it?  I can't do it.  It is Too Hard.

I did actually email the Uni secretary research lady person and ask if my submission deadline is my actual, total deadline of all time or if I can have another writing up year.  Would save a lot of time with the drs if i can just sign up for another year (but hand in before sept as i am off on holiday in sept and want to have this DONE).  And I think Uni still think my hand in date is tomorrow as my library books won't renew and, well, that is what it says on the system.  This is worrying.  Who knows what the fuck i am doing?  Who cares?!  Do I even exist?!

So.  I will be back tomorrow, and continue to be distracted and generally shit.

Till then, then.

x J

Done ok

I did my one page :)  Am now on the second page!

And hurrah.  I also think I worked out the odds me and my sup have over a conceptual issue that I see as key to my thesis but he thinks I have misunderstood.  I think it is just a wording issue that hopefully I can iron out pretty easily, and if I am right will actually add to the nuance of the thesis.  This is very good.

Not so good is that I am feeling panicky as I work.  My breathing is too fast and my vision is a bit swimmy which tends to herald the beginnings of a panic attack.  I felt like this coming back from dropping Bean off at the childminder's this morning :(  I do this so very often and she is a friend, why am I so scared to leave the house?!   I feel overwhelmed by having to work and think about work, and having to go out and get Bean and face the whole social thing of Being Outside and Talking to People.  I wish I was invisible.

My kitten is very naughty.  She is very curious now and knocking over plants, climbing up furniture and pulling clothes off the clothes horse.  Of course, she is a cat and this is what cats do and I am not that fussed, but DB will be cross!  he doesn't really get it and thinks she should just sit and chase balls!  Oh dear, he would be much better with a dog.

Right, better get ready for the big outdoors.  Am very very pleased with my efforts today.  I feel really chuffed, as if I did a conference presentation.  What a twat.  And then feel scared when I realise I have to come back and do it all again tomorrow!  Shit me, am so bloody frail :(  What a twat.

x J

I'm doing it!

I am working!  Only a bit.  But working!

I am sat in my sitting room, having cleaned the house like crazy all morning because the cat is making DB allergic.  Then had lunch and watched a tv programme.  Then thought about having a fag and remember I don't smoke any more.  Then decided i might work. 

Feel a bit panicky...  Oh, yeah, I have had three panic attacks this weekend :(  What an arse, is completely humiliating being such a wreck.  Am going to the drs on Thurs but think if I can start working and thinking about getting pregnant again I will be ok.  I feel really horrible about work, I have no confidence and feel like a total failure and have no perspective.  I know I can't meet my deadlines, even with the extra time from being on sick leave and this is terrifying.  If I don't meet my deadlines the dept will be punished by the ESRC, and my Sup will be very disappointed and still unable to retire.  But I don't know how to get it extended.  For now, for today, I am just doing what I can.

It is mad how unfamiliar and yet familiar my work is after so long away.  I have never spent so long away and it seems weird that I used to write about this stuff with such confidence, and, dare I say it, competence (looking at my work it doesn't seem all that bad, really).  And just now, I typed a new version of a sentence as if I even knew what I was saying.  This is a big step for me.  And because this is my discussion chapter it is very opinionated, so is really weird to be editing a chapter that is so opinionated, with my opinions, when at the mo I have a panic attack when trying to choose a sandwich to take on the train with me (I do, I did.  WTF).  I want my old self back again.  I want to be the person who writes this gubbins!  That person is pretty cool and, like, knows shit.  I am not cool and know shit all :( 

I want to get preggo again and finish uni.  I want me old life back when it was all ok! 

And so today I try to edit ONE page of my discussion chapter.  What is amazing about this process is realising how important my research is to me, and how relevant it actually is to international relations.  Other people might think it is shit, and that is fine because it probably is, but reading it and the language and stuff is... well...  it is quite intelligent and... important.  So maybe, if i can hang onto that realisation I can get confidence again, and motivation, and do some work?

One step at a time.  One page, for today.

x J 

Better Plus

I am getting much better :)  I am soooo glad I had this week off.  I have had a magic day with my son in the garden and the paddling pool and the gorgeous weather and feel whole again... and had time to think and feel good about work :)

I thought that I was not working because I was lazy or procrastinating, and because I am finishing a PhD that would be a perfectly reasonable assumption.  However, with the mental jumps I have made this week I have realised that I really did need the time off to reflect, let my brain relax and do its subconscious magic...  Anyway, I have realised that I can (must) finish this work.  I will finish this work.  And probably won't have much more time added on to help. 

I will go to the GPs next week and ask for more time, a couple of weeks hopefully, and ask for counselling to help me manage my life (shit family stuff and the miscarriage and just STUFF).  They can only say no, and for the first time in a while the thought of anyone saying 'no' to me doesn't send me into a panic.  I have been pretty weird and fragile and anyone arguing with me, criticising me or putting pressure on me has made me really, really stressed and panicky.  I put this down to the feeling of failure and fragility caused by the miscarriage, the feelinbg of being out of control and a bit crap.  I also put this down to the stage I am at with the PhD and the terrible timing of the negative response to mt shit discussion chapter and finding out about the mc.  The feeling of failure at both incredibly important aspects of my life that were solely my responsibility was too much and meant i retired for a while.  Didn't think I could come back.  But I can.

I will make sure I have a lot of treats, and let myself start back slowly.  The Uni won't kick me out if I cannot submit when they say i have to, but i won't make my life easier by leaving it later to let them know if I think I will miss it.  I need to email uni and see if there is a way I can apply for an extension with the esrc, pleading mitigating circs.  I don't want to hand in later than the end of August. 

I am putting all thoughts of a new baby off until after I have submitted.  It is too much of a distraction and if I do get lucky enough to be pregnant again I know I will be constantly shitting myself that they have died.  This will NOT help me focus!  No, for now, the PhD has to be first, then when it is over I will be SUCH a different person and a much better mama :)  I can naval-gaze and shit myself to my heart's content!

Even if I get NO extra time I will be fine.  I thought i could do it before and have to believe that again.  I can do this.  I like this work.  If anything stresses me out I have to gain persepctive by thinking of this in terms of being a Masters dissertation.  Remember how i worked for those and just did them.  I did not consider not completing the work however horrible it was.  I did have lots of treats and made sure I exercised a lot too.

It will be ok.  Don't think in terms of 'getting a PhD'.  Don't think about the doctorate, about the title or the graduation.  Don't think of how that could never be you.  Just get your head down and write what you know.  Just write what you know - at this stage I reckon it could be quite a lot :)

Now, am off to finish my wine, then the bottle, then off to london tomorrow to see my bezzies for a reet good laugh.

x J

Erm not today either!

Right ok.  I did sod all today.

I wandered around the house, did housework, mooched and even got a bit bored.  but I did not work.  I am aware this is wanky and i should work.  I am aware that sitting down to work will take motivation.  I would say though that I am not quite there yet but think Tuesday I will be :)

I have tomorrow off with Bean, to sit in the sun and get out the paddling pool (very excited)...  saturday I go to London to see my best mates, get shitfaced and exorcise miscarriage demons with my dearest people.  Sunday I come home, Monday is a Bank Holiday so we shall hopefully do something together as a family and then Tuesday Bean is back with the childminder and my work should begin again.  I have to find a 'in' though.

Objectives are:
a) I need to get myself sat in my room with my laptop.
b) I need work out what work to do.
c) I need to organise new deadlines.
d) I need to sit and work.

Possible solutions are:
a) Buy chocolate/any treat that you can ONLY have when sat in your room with the laptop on and some work in front of you :)  Bribery works.
b) Set a teeny weeny goal.  Like do ONE page of the editing for the discussion chapter, then have ten minutes off.  Then ONE page, ten minutes off.  Do this for FIVE pages then leave the study for half an hour.  Come back, continue.
c) New deadlines can only really be organised when I know if I have more time i can take 'signed off'.  I need more time from the Uni to ease back into work in order to meet my deadlines, and I can only get this assent with support from the GP saying I need this time.  I don't know how nice my GP will be, obviously if I have a sympathetic one I could get a few weeks which would totally save my PhD sanity.  If I get a grumpy one I might get a week, max.  Best to plan, really, for the minimum in the beginning then.  ALSO I have told myself I am not allowed to try and get preggo again until I have the submission day in my sights, which deters me from wanting to add on much more time.  This is a great motivator and really makes me want to get the PhD done.  I know before all my drama happened I was on track for finishing even though my deadlines were tight, so I should be ok...  but ug it is so stressful trying to write a methodology in 2 weeks (twat).  So, plan for the worst, hope for the best and amend accordingly.
d)  With my treats; my little, teeny goals and promises to have lots of breaks; motivation to get the PhD finished so I can have some summer time with my family, hopefully get pregnant again and Move the Fuck On; and long weekend off with fun in the sun with friends and family to finish the healing process... I think I should be able to work!  Back to work on Tuesday it IS.

See you then peeps and if you are working over the bank holiday I send you great good luck and many treats.

x J