Right ok. I did sod all today.
I wandered around the house, did housework, mooched and even got a bit bored. but I did not work. I am aware this is wanky and i should work. I am aware that sitting down to work will take motivation. I would say though that I am not quite there yet but think Tuesday I will be :)
I have tomorrow off with Bean, to sit in the sun and get out the paddling pool (very excited)... saturday I go to London to see my best mates, get shitfaced and exorcise miscarriage demons with my dearest people. Sunday I come home, Monday is a Bank Holiday so we shall hopefully do something together as a family and then Tuesday Bean is back with the childminder and my work should begin again. I have to find a 'in' though.
Objectives are:
a) I need to get myself sat in my room with my laptop.
b) I need work out what work to do.
c) I need to organise new deadlines.
d) I need to sit and work.
Possible solutions are:
a) Buy chocolate/any treat that you can ONLY have when sat in your room with the laptop on and some work in front of you :) Bribery works.
b) Set a teeny weeny goal. Like do ONE page of the editing for the discussion chapter, then have ten minutes off. Then ONE page, ten minutes off. Do this for FIVE pages then leave the study for half an hour. Come back, continue.
c) New deadlines can only really be organised when I know if I have more time i can take 'signed off'. I need more time from the Uni to ease back into work in order to meet my deadlines, and I can only get this assent with support from the GP saying I need this time. I don't know how nice my GP will be, obviously if I have a sympathetic one I could get a few weeks which would totally save my PhD sanity. If I get a grumpy one I might get a week, max. Best to plan, really, for the minimum in the beginning then. ALSO I have told myself I am not allowed to try and get preggo again until I have the submission day in my sights, which deters me from wanting to add on much more time. This is a great motivator and really makes me want to get the PhD done. I know before all my drama happened I was on track for finishing even though my deadlines were tight, so I should be ok... but ug it is so stressful trying to write a methodology in 2 weeks (twat). So, plan for the worst, hope for the best and amend accordingly.
d) With my treats; my little, teeny goals and promises to have lots of breaks; motivation to get the PhD finished so I can have some summer time with my family, hopefully get pregnant again and Move the Fuck On; and long weekend off with fun in the sun with friends and family to finish the healing process... I think I should be able to work! Back to work on Tuesday it IS.
See you then peeps and if you are working over the bank holiday I send you great good luck and many treats.
x J
I wandered around the house, did housework, mooched and even got a bit bored. but I did not work. I am aware this is wanky and i should work. I am aware that sitting down to work will take motivation. I would say though that I am not quite there yet but think Tuesday I will be :)
I have tomorrow off with Bean, to sit in the sun and get out the paddling pool (very excited)... saturday I go to London to see my best mates, get shitfaced and exorcise miscarriage demons with my dearest people. Sunday I come home, Monday is a Bank Holiday so we shall hopefully do something together as a family and then Tuesday Bean is back with the childminder and my work should begin again. I have to find a 'in' though.
Objectives are:
a) I need to get myself sat in my room with my laptop.
b) I need work out what work to do.
c) I need to organise new deadlines.
d) I need to sit and work.
Possible solutions are:
a) Buy chocolate/any treat that you can ONLY have when sat in your room with the laptop on and some work in front of you :) Bribery works.
b) Set a teeny weeny goal. Like do ONE page of the editing for the discussion chapter, then have ten minutes off. Then ONE page, ten minutes off. Do this for FIVE pages then leave the study for half an hour. Come back, continue.
c) New deadlines can only really be organised when I know if I have more time i can take 'signed off'. I need more time from the Uni to ease back into work in order to meet my deadlines, and I can only get this assent with support from the GP saying I need this time. I don't know how nice my GP will be, obviously if I have a sympathetic one I could get a few weeks which would totally save my PhD sanity. If I get a grumpy one I might get a week, max. Best to plan, really, for the minimum in the beginning then. ALSO I have told myself I am not allowed to try and get preggo again until I have the submission day in my sights, which deters me from wanting to add on much more time. This is a great motivator and really makes me want to get the PhD done. I know before all my drama happened I was on track for finishing even though my deadlines were tight, so I should be ok... but ug it is so stressful trying to write a methodology in 2 weeks (twat). So, plan for the worst, hope for the best and amend accordingly.
d) With my treats; my little, teeny goals and promises to have lots of breaks; motivation to get the PhD finished so I can have some summer time with my family, hopefully get pregnant again and Move the Fuck On; and long weekend off with fun in the sun with friends and family to finish the healing process... I think I should be able to work! Back to work on Tuesday it IS.
See you then peeps and if you are working over the bank holiday I send you great good luck and many treats.
x J
2 comments:
Hi Jayney... I've been following your blog for over a year now... and have found it very helpful. Im also doing a PHD, and its been great to read someone's journey along the way.
Please feel free to tell me to go jump if you disagree, but I wanted to suggest that perhaps some brief counselling might be helpful at this point. You have suffered a significant loss which causes a lot of grief, and often the type of grief that has to be hidden and denied, because we feel that people around us expect us to just "suck it up" and get on with things! A new life died. This life was something precious and awesome and it is totally normal and understandable that you are feeling as crappy as you are.
Having a space with someone not connected to your life might be useful to talk about all your feelings and difficulties.
In regards to the Phd..one of the things I have found helpful is setting a 15 min goal... just once a day.. even just today... if I can only do 15 min or even 5 min of something then I will feel like I have achieved something... if I feel like I can do more after that then Great! but if not.. then at least I did 15!
I really wish you all the best and hope that you will be able to love yourself and look after yourself and please take this in the spirit it was meant. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us... your bravery and transparency are very helpful and inspiring!
Kath
Kath, you are kind for thinking of me :)
I have thought about counselling, I have a lot of other family stuff going on too that is just getting too much for me to deal with... but am not sure if i can just ask for it or if I need to be referred in some way. Did try counselling once for the depression I get sometimes but was utter shit so never wanted to go back. Anywho.
I would LOVE a 15 mins a day goal, I would thrive under it. however, i have got myself into a really shitty position of having to write four chapters in 6 weeks or I will miss my submission deadline. 15 mins a day just won't cut it :( I have been thinking about emailing the research secretary and asking if there is any way I can get an extension instead of having to go via the signed off route, but being esrc funded has me rather manacled to the deadline.
Thank you so much for your words, this really has been a terrible time and I have been very sad but also have had a LOT of time off and think I am getting better...
the PhD can wait though if I am not :)
Good luck with your PhD, let me know how you get on!
x J
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