FINISHHHHHHHEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  I have finished the chapter!

It does need more work...  I need to do the biblio (though have refs throughout) and it needs tightening up and making more academic sounding, sometimes I do blather.  And it might need bits adding and may even need to re-jig the whole thing around...  BUT it is down, the words are there, the thoughts are there and a whole load of analysis is there.  Even if it is ALL needing to be re-written, ultimately the bones and meat are down. 

So I am now off to eat lasagne with my family and will have the rest of the day OFF in complete, sublime deserving happiness.  I haven't felt like this since I came back in, er, whenever it was.

Bye bye!!!!!!!!!!
x J

gawd

I am working again wheee! 

And I am nearly nearly there with this chapter.  I can tell because I am trying to proof read it but am just zoning out constantly which I think is a sign that my brain has had all it can stnad of this chapter for now.  It is rough but it is ready and I think we need some time apart.  Familiarity breeds contempt and all that.  I will read it, finish off the last bits (I hope I can do this today but it being sunday I have a lunch date with my family that is compulsory arf) and send it to the Sup for help.

Did I say that I have a date pencilled in for my weddin'?  I do!  The 2 June next year!  Hurrah, an honest woman of me shall be made :0)  The venue is glorious, all flowers and fields and English country-ness.  It is a damn sure thing I shall be finished in time for that so even if September falls through as a submiting date, and December, it shall most def be done forn March so I can plan me weddin' good and proper. 

No news on my Grandma's funeral.  Since I said i wasn't going to the funeral I haven't heard anything from that side of the family.  My ma is cross for me and reminds me that they never did anything for me so they shouldn't expect me to fall in line just like that.  It still feels rubbish though.  I am very sad and my horrid eye eczema has come back. 

I went for a 3 mile run yesterday, at last.  haven't exercised for about two weeks and this mini-triathlon is loooooming and eyeballing me and I quake.  I want to go out for a more gentle 4 mile run later but don't think I can as DB is out at 3.30.  Maybe i shall try and go out at 1ish after this work then maybe DB can heat it up...  Is only leftover lasagne but I think it is really important that we all eat together on Sundays at some point.  We are both trying to work so much and exercise and socialise and so we don't spend much proper time together - is more like shifts!

x J

x J

Nearly there...

I think I have nearly finished this chapter! 

It is saturday; DB is out playing tennis and Beanie is asleep so am getting in a quick 5 minutes work...  my work patterns are changing and getting in bits here and there are my main aim.  It will all add up and keeps momentum.  I am super keen to get this chapter done and sent to my Sup!Am home from Cornwall now and have caught up on sleep and starting to feel normal ;0)

Better get back to it!

x J

Yay work

I have done lots of work.  I have worked really well, not dithered or been too distracted and have really shifted on in the chapter.  I really think I can see the finishing post for this first draft!  I certainly feel like I am editing now and have run out of things to say, which does seem to herald the end of this draft.  Then I will need to send it to my Sup so he can critique it for me and tell me what i have missed out and I know I need to be more analytical with it, but until I have re-read my theory info it shall suffice.  Also, I have worked on this for so long that it seems really simplistic to me but surely can't be.  I need some fresh eyes to look at it and tell me whether it tells them anything of merit or is a load of scribble!  It seems that I have left out practically everything I did in India bar a few tidbits and quotes.  hmmm.

Exciting times!  Getting this chapter done would make me soooooo pleased.  I would *love* to work on a different chapter for a while, have a change of scenery so to speak ;0)

Chumps are still out.  I am so tired today - because we are staying at Grandma's she leaves out a cot for Bean that he won't sleep in after waking at 12 so he comes in with us and kicks us all night and terrifies me that he is going to sneak out and fall on the floor in the night.  hurrah. 

And am still sad.

x J

More Death

Oh my Grandma has passed away :0(  I am very sad. 

I haven't seen her for years due to a really messy family split and after my grandad died a few years ago she sort of lost the will a bit and was put in a home.  I used to write to her and since I had Beanie I haven't and I tell you, I couldn't feel worse about that.  Why didn't I write?  Because I was too narky to ask my Dad for her address (is his Mum).  What a crappy Granddaughter I am.  She was so beautiful to me when I was little.  I am really sad. 

I shan't go to her funeral - it really was a messy split.  Me and my Dad have barely spoken for the last erm, 17 years and only in the past two months have started a nearly friendly email relationship.  I did go to my Granddads funeral and it was absolutely hideous.  I was properly stared at and was clearly the black sheep of the family.  I felt left out and like I was intruding.  I wouldn't want Grandma's funeral to be tainted by my being there.  No, I shall do something for her by myself on that day.

Oh I feel so sad.

Workwise DB and Bean have gone to see his Great gran today - just left - so I should really get on with some work.  I had a grand plan to work for at least five hours today and nearly get this chapter finished.  But as usual I ended up cleaning up after Bean and didn't get started until they left.  I didn't tell DB about my Grandma, is nothing he can do when he is about to leave the house.

My Mum will be so very sad.  Grandma was like a proper Mum to her when she was with my Dad.

Oh.

x J

Baby naps...

Am down south a-visiting the in-laws.  The baby is napping next to me and so I am working.  This is the second time I have worked in the same room as he is sleeping, and bizarrely it is very pleasant. 

I am getting on track with the chapter...  and am confuddled by it at the same time.  I really think the end is just around the corner though :0) 


This has been a busy week.  Come down south as I said, that was over two days as Bean would not last for 8 hours in the car no siree.  We saw a car we may want to get on the way down, and a wedding venue!  The wedding venue is luscious, so we have given them the nod and have a date!  We are going to see other places too as going with your first one is a bit weird, but I know that is where I want to get wed.  It has a wisteria walk that you get married under, while all your guests stand around a lake and look up at you.  I wondered how on earth they would hear but your voices travel over the water and is just amazingly clever.  It is in the middle of the cornish countryside so we would have a big marquee, and not have to travel from wedding venue to reception but can start the party straight away.  We would have a bridal cottage so I can stay there the night before, get the marquee ready and my bridesmaidys can stay in an adjacent cottage of their own, and we can hang for the night and get ready together the next morning while all the guests are arriving...  amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazingly beautiful, calm, romantic and unique.  Am besotted.  It would be early June next year - apparently the weekend we want is when all the poppies are out.  How smashing!  So if I didn't have a clear deadline for this PhD before I sure do now!  No waaaaay jose will I still be struggling with this when I get wed - a) being married would be the start of a whole new chapter - a new name, new opportunities etc etc and b) I am going to get preggers again asap once that ring is on my finger!  Hehehehe!

Anyway, did that.  Had the haircut from hell which i had to pay a fortune to get fixed c/o toni and guy today...  been seeing friends and skiving exercise...  Been feeling a bit blue for some reason but think this will go soon.  Feel a bit like i am crap at everything at the mo but have enormous deadlines to meet and don't know if I can do it!  The mini triathlon is scaring me as is this PhD of course ;
32
67073
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haha!  baby is up and typing I have to go!

x J

Arses

I didn't work today.  I faffed.  I emailed.  I ate crumpets and a sneaky, lovely, bag of salt and vinegar hula hoops.  I revelled in not having to share the tv or humour a toddler or cook a meal or clean up. 

Am cross... and also not that bothered.  Hmmmph at my not-botheredness!  I suppose we all have days like these when work is impossible, and they are always chuffing disappointing.  But then sometimes you need to let loose and be naughty.  I really want to crochet - do something creative.  Am not in the mood to sit and concentrate on work at all.  It sounds very childish 'am not in the mood'.  Like I have a choice!  Dope.

Bah, I am a bad rabbit!

x J

bah

I don't want to work today!  My mind won't concentrate.  I confess that I am a little hungover but really, nothing I can't handle.  I am just feeling lazy.

I will write a plan for the week.
I will bumble but do work.  Am just not sure where I am with it which is annoying.

I miss my baby.  Tuesdays are difficult.  The house is too quiet and I want a cuddle and a kiss from my little dude!

Righty, I have two hours.  Must get on.

x J

Been good :0)

I have been a good worker!

Worked every day I could, and am working today while Bean has a nap.  Am in the zone again now and think about it often, and can work on it easily.  Need to keep it up though.  We are off down south on Thursday and will take my work with me then too to keep the momentum going!

Have realised that I will have to change another chapter almost toally - none of the work will be wasted but I have realised that the chapter needs broadening, which means more research and report reading.  Eek!  Much of the analysis in it will need to be moved to the discussion.  The chapter I am working on I have changed but am not sure that it is working out.  This is why I need to work now, to see what is going on with it - it is bugging me!

I haven't managed to do any evening work yet.  This is ok, I am just too tired come 10pm to sit and work and am also so aware that bean normally wakes for a cuddle around 10-11 so coming up and putting the laptop on and waiting just knowing he'll want me in a min is too much of a pain.  I will get to the stage where i am working in the evenings, just not yet.

Better get on with it anyway.

Oh!  I bought a tri-suit today for my mini triathlon I am doing in April!  is all getting serious!  Am going to my swimming session tomorrow too - that is for triathlete training.  eek!  am scared but am loving getting smaller from the training I am doing.  am happier - my mood has greatly improved since I started regular, hardcore exercise again.  And I still make myself get up at 7.30.  7.30!  I used to struggle to get up before 9am!

anywho, laters!
x J

hurray!

I worked well today!  I worked a lot; I didn't take the half hour for lunch in the end but instead prepped dins (stir fry so needed to marinade the chicken) and made a sarnie and ate it at my desk.  Wouldn't have enjoyed eating on my todd and was too into my work to leave it.  YAYAYAYAAAA!

Have picked up the wean and he is napping so I am going to do some more work.  I have looked back at another chapter and realised that a) the writing is vastly superior to the chapter I am writing now - obviously I have some catching up to do on that front and b) the content is a lot more analytical and in depth than I had remembered, so either I need to change this chapter (eeeek, unwise, it is just lovely as it is) and take some of it over to the discussion chapter, orrrrrr maybe I should change the order of the chapters.  Some of the analyses in the other chapter I thought I would write in this one, or in the discussion - but it has already been done!  (I did have nigh on a year off remember ;0) and yes, I probably should have read through all my writing on my return but I hate hate hate re-reading old work in case it is awwwwwwwwwwwwwwful.  I will get out of this mode of thought pronto.)  I wonder if the empirical chapter is naturally less analytical because it is an exploratory chapter, laying out one's findings for *later* analysis.  It does have analysis - it continually answers 'why does this matter?'.  But it doesn't yet do the secondary 'why'.  (At MA level I was taught always ask 'why', and then 'why' again.  It makes you question that bit more and gets the good marks.)  Hmmm...  I feel comfortable with it how it is, which could mean one of two things:
a) Follow your gut, you know what you are doing OR
b) You're being too simplistic and sticking in a comfy zone.

Hmmmm.  I shall crack on.

x J  

Working again :0)

I am working again!  I love it! 

I was home before 11am this morning, my fastest drop off yet.  Hope Dudey is ok, am sure he will be.  He was so hyper when I picked him up yesterday, he didn't want to come home!  Am so blessed with my childminder.

I realised yesterday that if I totally rejiggle the chapter I should be able to make it one, and did some work on it last night.  DB cooked dins so I had an hour when Bean was in bed to do some work in front of t' tele which was great.  made me realise how helpful being able to let go of a chore was - normally I would be cooking dins, and tidying after and work doesn't get a look in until about 10pm, by which time I am knackered and Little Dude would be awaking anyway.  I hope for more of the same.  THOUGH I would say DB was cooking dinner because I was meant to be out swimming, practising for this triathlon I have lumbered myself with - only I couldn't find the pool!  Sat nav was trying to get me to go up one way streets and it was rush hour and I didn't give myself enough time to find where I was going.  Stupid me - I was really disappointed actually.  Anyway, I did work so yay.  Actually, I am taking the sound advice of Jenny, who commented on here the other day and will work *every* night for half an hour.  I have decided that until it becomes normal and ok (dude-wise, housework wise etc) for me to work of an eve I shall aim for half an hour, no more, no less.  But that half an hour would add 3.5 hours onto my weekly total.

I am going to work until 12.30.  Then I shall lunch until 1pm, and then work again until 2.10 when I shall go and pick up the baby.  (yay).

I am thinking of upping his hours at the CM's to be from 9.30am in March.  Depends how he copes but he really loves it there and I could do with that extra hour.  As the work rachets up I shall pop him in for Fridays as well I think, just for a couple of months.  That would be quite a big deal so am in no hurry.  The extra hour would make a big difference anyway.  And I would make us get up at 7am, which means LD (Little Dude) would be in bed by 7/7.30pm of an eve...  which would give me time to work!  hurrah!

Back to the grindstone then!  Don't know why I say that, am very happy to be working!

x J

Ps:  both DB and Bean are out...  house is eerily quiet and I don't like it!  I will have to have lunch on my own!  How lonely and rubbish. 

Pps:  I realised after about an hour this morning that I was wearing a pair of bean's socks.  I kid you not!  When I put them on I thought they were a little small on the ankle but then thought nothing of it until I flet the rubber non-slip pattern on the bottom, had a look and it said 'baby george' on it*.  What.  A.  Freak.

* I know, I hate hate hate asda with a passion, and all the anti-human rights ar*eholery walmart stands for but I have no other store within walking distance and, UG UG I hate myself but it is cheap and a baby uses so much stuff!  I do try and make up for it by crocheting what I can and I never throw food away, or clothes, or anything that can be reused or given to charity shops.  and I buy lots from charity shops too.  Ug I feel dirty. 

Tuesday... again!

I am back and working :0)  I worked on Sunday and did really well, I have change the way I am writing out the chapter and it is all exciting again - I hope to have it finished at the end of the week!  I realised I may have been saying th same thing but in three different ways...  sounds like I have been wasting my time but if it gets the chapter done!  Hope, hope, hope.

Heard from my Sup and he stressed that I should use the fieldwork to illustrate my points, not include the whole shebang.  He is right.  It is scary how little of the fieldwork you actually end up using.  Basically my first trip out to India for 4 months is pretty nigh on useless!  I wish I had know this at the time ;0)  Only useless in a practical sense but not useless in a sense of culmulative knowledge I guess.  At least I know what I am talking about more, and can envisage where the Tsunami took place - am not making it up... 

It's 12pm and I have so much to do.  I have about 2 hours now to finish this work, not including lunchtime.  That really is not long.  Hopefully little dude will have a nap when he gets home so I can work that bit more.

It is so lovely and sunny outside.  I wish I could be outside with my newly walking baby showing him flowers and gardening in the yard!

x J

Working!

Am working again today :0) I have four hours today, though have yet to do any actual work, just been organising what I did this week and what I want to do next week. I have until 1pm so hope to get some good typing done.

Have realised that this chapter is most definitely two chapters... This is good as ultimately it means I have been completing two chapters when thought it was one, so bargain! But not good as am not sure how to cleave it neatly into two that flow into the rest of the thesis. I don't want any 'stand alone' chapters.

Reading wise I have not done very weel this week, though it has been a settling in week as much as anything, so this week instead I am being pleased that:

• I have got back into working
• I am enjoying working
• I have two chapters for the price of one
• I have settled Bean into the childminders and he is very happy
• I have settled Bean (and me!) into a routine of getting up at 7.30am so he is asleep before 8pm of an eve so i can work, once I get into the groove of getting all housey stuff done by then too
• I have continued a hardcore exercise regime of Boot camp twice a week (which is killing me, am most pleased) and will start a triathlon swimming club on Tuesday. Apparently it is very quiet and they train you to swim properly, which as a mad fan of swimming I cannot wait for. I *shall* be fit. I have noticed this week actually that with this exercising I am mroe awake and positive than I have felt for many a moon. You would think exercising would do the opposite really but no, am extraordinarily with it. My detoxing (well, just staying away from too much fried sh*t and takeaways really!) is going well too. Hurrah!

So yes, yes, am most pleased.

x J

PS Just want to say hello to the pregnant ladies who were following the blog a while ago! I hope you are well and happy and enjoying your pregnancies. Would love to hear from you if you have time to let me know how all is with you :0) x

Hurray!

I've been working! Sadly it has been fiddly work, copy-and-pasting and jiggling words and sentences around, rather than typing. But it is work nonetheless! And I can go and get my baby in 45 mins, which I am so happy about but am also like 'No way! Time has gone too fast I need more!' Which is very positive. Yep, yep.

Oh crikey the weatherman just told me that it will be tipping down here from 4pm. So my exercise class, outdoors, is going to be a very muddy affair. Eek! Oh no, and gales! Oh heck! But it is beautiful sunshine outside... hmmmm.

Soon I hope to stop having to put the tag 'Being a Mum and Doing a PhD' on my posts, because I would just be 'doing my PhD' and the mum thing will be an aside that doesn't interfere with it. That would be great.

x J

Onwards...

I didn't work much yesterday in the end, the headache got me. Looking at the screen made me feel sick so I just curled up in the dark until I could go and get Bean. It went when I got home with him so I wonder if it was a tension headache... a good walk in the bracing wind and having my baby back made me all better again! (and some hardcore painkillers!)

Today is much, much better. I know that Bean is happy with the childminder and he is showing absolutely no side effects like disrupted sleeping or clinginess. Quite the opposite really but i still keep him close. Work wise, my house chores are done and at the mo it seems that I sit down at about 11.30 after dropping off Bean and doing any necessary chores that are just best done while I have two hands and no need for the stair gate or eyes in the back of my head. Then I sit down and check my emails and the news quickly and then I am here! Today I hope to do a *lot* of typing. I want to work now until 12.45 then I shall get some lunch and do a bit more chores (i have a drawer upstairs that needs fixing as Bean's clothes are just on the floor until it is done!). Then I will work from 1.15 until 2.10 when I shall go and get the wee one. If he naps I shall have another hour then so shan't tidy away my work when I go and get him in case I can work then too. I did yesterday then was too lazy to get it all out again so just watched tele! So this way I will do two hours, maybe three, of good work. It isn't much I know but it is a start until I get into a quicker routine/work out what works for me. It's all about momentum and confidence-building at the moment.

I am exercising later (I have joined a military style boot camp club! Is mental and brilliant, I can hardly walk afterwards) then shall do some reading in front of the box and go to bed at 11pm.

I am detoxing now until Monday. We haven't been food shopping so have been eating a LOT of toast and er, takeaways. It is gross! So I am now on green tea and water and lots of home made fresh soup and generally veg-based food, and not eating refined sugar, butter or anything fried. Only until Monday, am not a health freak by nature at the mo - I think it is because it is because I am still breastfeeding my wean and my body is still craving meat and sugar like when I was preggers! Is my excuse anyway.

Am on a mission!

x J

better... and worse

I worked yesterday! I worked for longer than I have for months; sitting in front of the tv definitely does the trick!

Dropped bean off at the childminders again this morning and I miss him terribly today. I have a feeling he won't enjoy it today as much as yesterday too, he was a bit reluctant to let me go. This makes me so sad. I wish there was any other way around it and that I didn't have to hand my baby over to someone else to play with and enjoy while I do other things. What can be as important as your child? I know in my heart that I have to get the PhD, I have come so far and worked so hard and to have it will be marvellous. I think of it sometimes in terms of being a role model for my children, that women can and do succeed. When I have it I can look after my children as much as I like (I hope, I think DB has plans to send me out to work. We'll see...) What is good is that I know I can't waste this time doing trivial things or going back to bed so I *have* to work - to justify it all. Even though I have a headache that is feeling suspiciously like it may turn into a migraine, I will work.

I miss him! Roll on 2.15 when I can go and get him :0)

x J

Settling in

The baby is with the childminder... gosh it is unnatural to leave him there! To walk away, alone. It is so lonely without him!

But anyway. I was there for half an hour until I felt comfortable that he was happy and settled, playing with the childminder's daughter and totally ignoring me :0) Came back, tidied a bit - only because I want to be able to spend time with bean when he gets back, rather than dumping him on the kitchen floor straight away to wash up :0( That would be rubbish and anyway, he wouldn't stand for it! So tidied, made a cup of tea and am sat in front of some lovely comforting morning television and plan to type up the last of my fieldwork 'data' (ug, how can people's life stories be trivialised as 'data'?!) in front of it. I realised yesterday that my dread with it was linked to utter boredom, and the distraction I kept seeking was part of this too. So I thought if I have a running monologue of tv on in the background I will be able to work better and not feel so suffocated and bored as when I am in my room. I think it will work. Last night I did some reading! Not much but still, it was out and I did some hurrah.

Will get on then, as much as I can when half of me is missing... I plan to take full advantage and when DB goes out to a meeting I think I will have a crafty fag outside with a cuppa tea to sort of cement my new found liberty. You see, if Bean (and DB!) is not here then I can do these incredibly naughty, totally taboo (in my mind) things. It is my secret. And that makes this whole enterprise much more fun.

x J