So I have nearly finished my first day back. I haven't done much to be honest, but I've only been working since half two and it is now nearly six. But I have done stuff! I have got myself a work space; organised my computer desktop and printed off the latest article wrtten by my Sup; organised the translations that I have managed to get done so far and chased up the outstanding ones; I have re-enrolled into Uni; and I have cleared my mind of the sadness and sulking that has been dogging me for the past month regarding my return to Uni. And I have sat in my office and thought about work and stuff, more than anything else.
Verdict so far?
It is a-ok! In fact, it is a pleasure to sit still and work on just one thing. It is pretty straightforward compared to being a full time mum and housewife! Just having one thing to think about is a joy. No multi tasking. No interruptions. No need to jolly someone else along. Just pure selfish time. Hurray!
I am still lacking a plan of action but for today I am satisfied. I am working 8-1pm tomorrow (8am?! UG! We'll see...!) so hope to get into the swing of things a bit more.
In the meantime, I am hungry and my baby is downstairs having some grub so I think I'll go and join my little family. First day back at work - success! Hurray! :0)
x J
Monday, 6 September 2010
Back to School!
Righty, I am officially back! I have not cried today and have set up my little desk in the corner of my office and actually like my new surrounds. I can't believe this is where I am going to finish my PhD...
I am now at a sort of stuck bit. I have so much to do, I don't know where to start! I am completely confused. I have to admit that I am also a bit hungover today which isn't helping. It's terrible isn't it? Hungover on my first day back! Yesterday I was really sad so DB took me to a festival up the road and we sat with bubs, a burger and chips and some cider and watched the Levellers and Seasick Steve and just relaxed together. It was so lovely and I got a bit tipsy. Then we came home, I cried, drank red wine and ate a chinese takeaway. Had a terrible night's sleep as you can imagine after red wine and MSG... and am dopey today. Bad rabbit.
Soooooooooooooooooo what to do? I have until 6pm then I am off! My house is quiet - DB has taken Bean out for a trip to the shops. I have to say, I have actually enjoyed today so far. This morning was lovely; I really appreciated my time with bubs but am also enjoying this time for being able to just sit down and have the luxury of just doing one thing at a time! No one is clamouring for my attention, I am alone and it is peaceful. I could get into this I reckon. Wouldn't it be odd if it turned out that the time I spend doing my PhD is actually, ahem, comparitively relaxing? Hehe!
Ok. I think I am going to turn the laptop off and try and do some planning in my PhD Brain. (It is a book, not an actual brain. Fnar.)
I am selling a lot of clothes on ebay at the mo, from when I came back from India being ridiculously skinny, and am really very chuffed to have made a tenner so far. Hurray!
anyway. Laters y'all.
I can't believe I am back. Can't believe it!
x J
I am now at a sort of stuck bit. I have so much to do, I don't know where to start! I am completely confused. I have to admit that I am also a bit hungover today which isn't helping. It's terrible isn't it? Hungover on my first day back! Yesterday I was really sad so DB took me to a festival up the road and we sat with bubs, a burger and chips and some cider and watched the Levellers and Seasick Steve and just relaxed together. It was so lovely and I got a bit tipsy. Then we came home, I cried, drank red wine and ate a chinese takeaway. Had a terrible night's sleep as you can imagine after red wine and MSG... and am dopey today. Bad rabbit.
Soooooooooooooooooo what to do? I have until 6pm then I am off! My house is quiet - DB has taken Bean out for a trip to the shops. I have to say, I have actually enjoyed today so far. This morning was lovely; I really appreciated my time with bubs but am also enjoying this time for being able to just sit down and have the luxury of just doing one thing at a time! No one is clamouring for my attention, I am alone and it is peaceful. I could get into this I reckon. Wouldn't it be odd if it turned out that the time I spend doing my PhD is actually, ahem, comparitively relaxing? Hehe!
Ok. I think I am going to turn the laptop off and try and do some planning in my PhD Brain. (It is a book, not an actual brain. Fnar.)
I am selling a lot of clothes on ebay at the mo, from when I came back from India being ridiculously skinny, and am really very chuffed to have made a tenner so far. Hurray!
anyway. Laters y'all.
I can't believe I am back. Can't believe it!
x J
Saturday, 4 September 2010
Better now!
Oh I feel sooooo much happier now. It is my last weekend before I go back to work but I am actually looking forward to it now!
I had big chats with DB and we have divvied up the week and it seems that I will work every day bar Sunday, for about 5 hours a day. I have created two blocks of work time - either 8am-1pm or 1pm-6pm. I obviously can work evenings and Sunday if I want/need to. I reckon though that five good hours of concentrated work (and it will be concentrated, I do not have the luxury of relaxing and wasting time any more) would be as good as my old hours of 9-5. It seems I will work Monday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning, Thursday morning and Friday afternoon. I like this! Oh, I will work Saturday mornings too, which is ace as DB will spend that time cooking me breakfast, getting the paper and chilling and watching his footie programmes anyway. Sounds like a great set-up! So because of becoming all organised I now feel more relaxed and am looking forward to setting up my little work space in the spare room on Monday. I am not doing it in advance, I reckon it'll help focus my mind and gently ease me into work by doing it on Monday. I can't believe I have five hours to fill come Monday! Five hours is a long time! DB and I talked about how it will be lovely to share Bean as well, I reckon we will have so much more in common when we are both sharing the childcare and housework. I hope it works, I really do. I know DB is stressed about the fact he won't be able to work as and when any more, but we both agreed that it will be good to have proper concentrated time to work anyway rather than just *all* the time (he does work all the time).
So there we are! I have a meeting with my Sup on Tuesday the 14th so will work for that initially - getting a timeline and Plan Of Action. It is only down the road too, no need to even go into Uni. Am really very pleased about this.
Am so relieved!
x J
I had big chats with DB and we have divvied up the week and it seems that I will work every day bar Sunday, for about 5 hours a day. I have created two blocks of work time - either 8am-1pm or 1pm-6pm. I obviously can work evenings and Sunday if I want/need to. I reckon though that five good hours of concentrated work (and it will be concentrated, I do not have the luxury of relaxing and wasting time any more) would be as good as my old hours of 9-5. It seems I will work Monday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday morning, Thursday morning and Friday afternoon. I like this! Oh, I will work Saturday mornings too, which is ace as DB will spend that time cooking me breakfast, getting the paper and chilling and watching his footie programmes anyway. Sounds like a great set-up! So because of becoming all organised I now feel more relaxed and am looking forward to setting up my little work space in the spare room on Monday. I am not doing it in advance, I reckon it'll help focus my mind and gently ease me into work by doing it on Monday. I can't believe I have five hours to fill come Monday! Five hours is a long time! DB and I talked about how it will be lovely to share Bean as well, I reckon we will have so much more in common when we are both sharing the childcare and housework. I hope it works, I really do. I know DB is stressed about the fact he won't be able to work as and when any more, but we both agreed that it will be good to have proper concentrated time to work anyway rather than just *all* the time (he does work all the time).
So there we are! I have a meeting with my Sup on Tuesday the 14th so will work for that initially - getting a timeline and Plan Of Action. It is only down the road too, no need to even go into Uni. Am really very pleased about this.
Am so relieved!
x J
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
Back to work... hmmm not quite!
Well today is my official back to work date :0( BUT I decided to wait until Monday and start a) at the beginning of a week instead of the middle and b) when I know all the schools are back. It is comforting thinking that it is the end of the holidays for millions of people, and for my friends too (who are all teachers, bizarrely).
I am dreading coming back, I make no bones about it. Dreading it. How can I concentrate on anything other than my baby? My brain is completely feral, used to thinking about everything and nothing, picking up thoughts and dropping them on a whim. I am used to moving around a lot, cooking and baking and going out for coffee and chats and babygroups. I am used to being in company constantly! How will I cope being in a room on my own, away from my baby, having to read long books and words and, UG, *remember* stuff?! How am I supposed to think about international development issues when I am so focussed inwards towards my family? I wonder if it will change how I see my work, being more empathetic and understanding of the horror and fear of losing a child? This could be interesting. In many ways I feel alienated, remote, from my work now. My work is my child. I will be interested, and am desperately hoping, to find out that I do still love my work and care. I wonder if I am just daunted as all hell about getting back into it and cannot possibly do it. I also realise that I feel like it was a different person who did that work, and if you think about it I have changed profoundly since I last sat at my desk! I have become a Mum, to a child that is now nearly 9 months old. This is huge isn't it really, I shouldn't underestimate how that would make me feel. I am dreading getting all my stuff out - remembering at the same time how excited and relieved I was to be putting it away last December. So much happiness and so much to look forward to. I can honestly say that the last ten months have been the happiest of my life. Absolutely. And now it is all finishing. I have to work, I cannot just moon about with my baby, baking bread and going for walks on a whim. I have to hand over his care to someone else. (Well, actually me and DB are sharing his childcare so this really isn 't that dramatic but still, I am used to being his Mum! There all the time!)
My Sup has been in contact for a meeting, which is brilliant. He lives down south now so is great that he is up just as I go back to work. This will help focus my mind next week as I haveour meeting to prepare for, and he will bring me back to earth and am sure he will give me a deadline of some sort. It will be horrible, I know this because he knows that being a Mum means I will be that bit less disciplined (because Bean will come first). Seeing him will totally make me feel I am back to work too, which will be sad but also be very important in bringing together my pre and post baby selves. It is so odd though, how I get an email from him saying let's meet and I panic about when? How? With the baby - who will look after him? Because DB and I have to arrange between us when we are free and when we are working so I can't just swan off - I never can. It will be spooky going to uni, getting the train and going into the city and up to Uni, all on my own! Ug, I don't like it. I am never on my own and so rarely without my baby!
I know I am going on about bubs. But he is my life at the moment. I look forward to gaining a balance, where he is still my life but I am comfortable for something else to inhabite my thoughts and demand my attention too - knowing that there is room for more than just Bean.
I have so much growing up to do! I am such a wean in all of this. I look forward to sharing my journey :0)
x J
I am dreading coming back, I make no bones about it. Dreading it. How can I concentrate on anything other than my baby? My brain is completely feral, used to thinking about everything and nothing, picking up thoughts and dropping them on a whim. I am used to moving around a lot, cooking and baking and going out for coffee and chats and babygroups. I am used to being in company constantly! How will I cope being in a room on my own, away from my baby, having to read long books and words and, UG, *remember* stuff?! How am I supposed to think about international development issues when I am so focussed inwards towards my family? I wonder if it will change how I see my work, being more empathetic and understanding of the horror and fear of losing a child? This could be interesting. In many ways I feel alienated, remote, from my work now. My work is my child. I will be interested, and am desperately hoping, to find out that I do still love my work and care. I wonder if I am just daunted as all hell about getting back into it and cannot possibly do it. I also realise that I feel like it was a different person who did that work, and if you think about it I have changed profoundly since I last sat at my desk! I have become a Mum, to a child that is now nearly 9 months old. This is huge isn't it really, I shouldn't underestimate how that would make me feel. I am dreading getting all my stuff out - remembering at the same time how excited and relieved I was to be putting it away last December. So much happiness and so much to look forward to. I can honestly say that the last ten months have been the happiest of my life. Absolutely. And now it is all finishing. I have to work, I cannot just moon about with my baby, baking bread and going for walks on a whim. I have to hand over his care to someone else. (Well, actually me and DB are sharing his childcare so this really isn 't that dramatic but still, I am used to being his Mum! There all the time!)
My Sup has been in contact for a meeting, which is brilliant. He lives down south now so is great that he is up just as I go back to work. This will help focus my mind next week as I haveour meeting to prepare for, and he will bring me back to earth and am sure he will give me a deadline of some sort. It will be horrible, I know this because he knows that being a Mum means I will be that bit less disciplined (because Bean will come first). Seeing him will totally make me feel I am back to work too, which will be sad but also be very important in bringing together my pre and post baby selves. It is so odd though, how I get an email from him saying let's meet and I panic about when? How? With the baby - who will look after him? Because DB and I have to arrange between us when we are free and when we are working so I can't just swan off - I never can. It will be spooky going to uni, getting the train and going into the city and up to Uni, all on my own! Ug, I don't like it. I am never on my own and so rarely without my baby!
I know I am going on about bubs. But he is my life at the moment. I look forward to gaining a balance, where he is still my life but I am comfortable for something else to inhabite my thoughts and demand my attention too - knowing that there is room for more than just Bean.
I have so much growing up to do! I am such a wean in all of this. I look forward to sharing my journey :0)
x J
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Perspective Gained!
Hurrah, I am feeling a lot better about the PhD now, and almost looking forward to coming back!
I had a visit from an old PhD colleague today and we had a good chat. I didn't realise that I have a writing up year still to use - I knew of it, but as a funded person I didn't know it was open to me. But it is! Other ESRC peeps at the Uni are in their writing up year now. Hurrah! I did have an email from my funding contact saying I was registered to be with the Uni until June 2012 but didn't believe them. I wouldn't be funded during this time, and would have to pay the Uni £400 odd to stay on but that will be ok. For a short while. So I have been thinking and have decided to extend the amount of time I have by three months. This way I will have September and November to get back into the work, catch up on literature and remind myself of my PhD and where I am with it. Then I shall have from Dec until June to get my fist draft down, completely, completely - referenced and everything. Then I shall edit and re-write until September when I intend to submit, with a view to graduating in December! All my ducks will need to be in a row though - obviously, I will have to have my Viva etc - all willing I will graduate in Dec. How exciting! My baby will be two then, I hope to have moved to the lovely South and bought a housey, and be looking to my wedding which is planned for May 2012. I definitely want to have finished for then. If I can't complete and submit in september for whatever reason - I spectacularly fail my Viva/can't get hold of anyone to do the Viva then I will miss the december graduation but this doesn't bother me too much, as long as I am graduate-ready :0)
So excited and happy to have a plan! And some space to breathe! I now feel that I can do it, that I am not going to be feeling so ridiculously stressed and cutting corners on being a Mum to get the work done, shouting at everyone and being constantly upset. It will be fine. It is a good deadline too because my friend is aiming to graduate then and it would be lovely to graduate at the same time as her, and hanging around after my colleagues have graduated would be rubbish. And the deadline is still quite tight, which gives me a reason to get on with it, rather than being so easy I can chill for a few months and waste time, or so tight I get too stressed and unproductive.
What is most interesting is that I have realised that I wasn't upset or stressed before about coming back to work per se, just trying to get it done in 9 months was upsetting me.
HUZZAHS!
x J
I had a visit from an old PhD colleague today and we had a good chat. I didn't realise that I have a writing up year still to use - I knew of it, but as a funded person I didn't know it was open to me. But it is! Other ESRC peeps at the Uni are in their writing up year now. Hurrah! I did have an email from my funding contact saying I was registered to be with the Uni until June 2012 but didn't believe them. I wouldn't be funded during this time, and would have to pay the Uni £400 odd to stay on but that will be ok. For a short while. So I have been thinking and have decided to extend the amount of time I have by three months. This way I will have September and November to get back into the work, catch up on literature and remind myself of my PhD and where I am with it. Then I shall have from Dec until June to get my fist draft down, completely, completely - referenced and everything. Then I shall edit and re-write until September when I intend to submit, with a view to graduating in December! All my ducks will need to be in a row though - obviously, I will have to have my Viva etc - all willing I will graduate in Dec. How exciting! My baby will be two then, I hope to have moved to the lovely South and bought a housey, and be looking to my wedding which is planned for May 2012. I definitely want to have finished for then. If I can't complete and submit in september for whatever reason - I spectacularly fail my Viva/can't get hold of anyone to do the Viva then I will miss the december graduation but this doesn't bother me too much, as long as I am graduate-ready :0)
So excited and happy to have a plan! And some space to breathe! I now feel that I can do it, that I am not going to be feeling so ridiculously stressed and cutting corners on being a Mum to get the work done, shouting at everyone and being constantly upset. It will be fine. It is a good deadline too because my friend is aiming to graduate then and it would be lovely to graduate at the same time as her, and hanging around after my colleagues have graduated would be rubbish. And the deadline is still quite tight, which gives me a reason to get on with it, rather than being so easy I can chill for a few months and waste time, or so tight I get too stressed and unproductive.
What is most interesting is that I have realised that I wasn't upset or stressed before about coming back to work per se, just trying to get it done in 9 months was upsetting me.
HUZZAHS!
x J
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Only a Month Left!
Oooooh, so I have only a month left of my Maternity Leave... Work is playing on my mind. I am getting rather stressed! I am so happy to have my blog to come back to and let it all out :0)
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, I hope everyone has been well while I have been away playing at being Mother. I am out of the woods now I think as far as the 'baby' part goes, my son is now 7 and a half months old and getting rather grown up! We don't have any of the sleepless nights, the endless worry about his health, is he warm enough/too cold, no worries about how to feed him or why is he crying... we are just all rubbing along nicely. He is having a nap at the moment (I think it is a nap, he could be asleep for the night but who knows... Not I!) And so work and little dude... well, I am not putting the boy into any form of nursery. I don't want anyone else looking after him! And I am not, as far as I know, going to be working part time. What I think (naively, I am sure) is that I worked before, pretty hard, but skived a bit and had hangovers too... so I hope that without skiving and hangovers I can do full time work in part time hours... DB and I plan to share his childcare between us, so he works say 7am till 2pm, and I work from 2pm until 7pm. So we do almost a full day's work, just without leisurely breaks or chats. Just plain hard work, then back to chill time/family time. I wonder how this will work out? I am quite stressed about it, but that is because I stress about everything.
I am also stressed about how I meant to finish this PhD EVER, let alone in *drumroll* nine months. I know, nine months. How on *earth* is that going to happen?! I have found out that I have nine months of the funded time left and then a year afterwards that I can use for writing up - though no funding and really, that is dragging it out somewhat. I don't need that long, though am sure if I started to eat into it I could spin it out for that long. OR I could apply to go part time. This would be lovely and is my ideal option. BUT then my funding money is cut in half and so I would be relying on DB to help me financially a lot and at the mo we are trying to save up to buy a housey for after the PhD - and get wed! And again we have the issue of dragging the course out... So full time it is then. I have asked my Sup about going part time, I don't know what he thinks. Probably that it is not a good idea. He has left Uni by the way. I am sad! he is still my supervisor though, thank goodness, but that he won't be there to see and talk to when I go back in September is quite hard. Feel very unmoored and unsure. Who will help me stay on track?
I read somewhere that the PhD takes as long to complete as you have left. I should remember this and JFDI!*
So far I remember that I have written quite a lot and planned the rest. I need to read this and refresh my memory. I am currently getting my translations done from the interviews I did in India (this time last year - so soon and so far!) by someone very reliable which is fab. I am nervous though about what is in them... Thehn when these are done I can start thinking about what the Indian voice is, and the chapter that is for.
I am worried about all the reading I have to do to catch up for my lit review, but just to be abreast of current thinking. I suppose this can be sorted out by going to the library and holing up for a couple of days and reading through journal articles and racing throught the recent books. I suppose I only need to know as much as I need to know - sounds obvious but wow you can get bogged down in the reading and ponder over every chapter and nuance. Jut get the gist and move on I reckon.
Oh my baby cries :0( I have to go. I do feel better for thinking about this a bit though. Am so rambly in my head and really want to enjoy this last month as I'll never get it back.
x J
*JFDI: just fuc*king do it!
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo, I hope everyone has been well while I have been away playing at being Mother. I am out of the woods now I think as far as the 'baby' part goes, my son is now 7 and a half months old and getting rather grown up! We don't have any of the sleepless nights, the endless worry about his health, is he warm enough/too cold, no worries about how to feed him or why is he crying... we are just all rubbing along nicely. He is having a nap at the moment (I think it is a nap, he could be asleep for the night but who knows... Not I!) And so work and little dude... well, I am not putting the boy into any form of nursery. I don't want anyone else looking after him! And I am not, as far as I know, going to be working part time. What I think (naively, I am sure) is that I worked before, pretty hard, but skived a bit and had hangovers too... so I hope that without skiving and hangovers I can do full time work in part time hours... DB and I plan to share his childcare between us, so he works say 7am till 2pm, and I work from 2pm until 7pm. So we do almost a full day's work, just without leisurely breaks or chats. Just plain hard work, then back to chill time/family time. I wonder how this will work out? I am quite stressed about it, but that is because I stress about everything.
I am also stressed about how I meant to finish this PhD EVER, let alone in *drumroll* nine months. I know, nine months. How on *earth* is that going to happen?! I have found out that I have nine months of the funded time left and then a year afterwards that I can use for writing up - though no funding and really, that is dragging it out somewhat. I don't need that long, though am sure if I started to eat into it I could spin it out for that long. OR I could apply to go part time. This would be lovely and is my ideal option. BUT then my funding money is cut in half and so I would be relying on DB to help me financially a lot and at the mo we are trying to save up to buy a housey for after the PhD - and get wed! And again we have the issue of dragging the course out... So full time it is then. I have asked my Sup about going part time, I don't know what he thinks. Probably that it is not a good idea. He has left Uni by the way. I am sad! he is still my supervisor though, thank goodness, but that he won't be there to see and talk to when I go back in September is quite hard. Feel very unmoored and unsure. Who will help me stay on track?
I read somewhere that the PhD takes as long to complete as you have left. I should remember this and JFDI!*
So far I remember that I have written quite a lot and planned the rest. I need to read this and refresh my memory. I am currently getting my translations done from the interviews I did in India (this time last year - so soon and so far!) by someone very reliable which is fab. I am nervous though about what is in them... Thehn when these are done I can start thinking about what the Indian voice is, and the chapter that is for.
I am worried about all the reading I have to do to catch up for my lit review, but just to be abreast of current thinking. I suppose this can be sorted out by going to the library and holing up for a couple of days and reading through journal articles and racing throught the recent books. I suppose I only need to know as much as I need to know - sounds obvious but wow you can get bogged down in the reading and ponder over every chapter and nuance. Jut get the gist and move on I reckon.
Oh my baby cries :0( I have to go. I do feel better for thinking about this a bit though. Am so rambly in my head and really want to enjoy this last month as I'll never get it back.
x J
*JFDI: just fuc*king do it!
Saturday, 2 January 2010
The Bean has Landed!
Hello all
Just to let you know that my baby Beanie arrived on the 15 December :0) He is tiny at 6lbs and very, very cute (of course I would say that!). Am knackered and loving being a new mum, but have to admit that the PhD is never too far from my mind and already am dreading coming back in Sept! How silly is that - we have winter spring and summer to get through first!
Have to say as well that after giving birth and surviving these first few weeks of being a parent to a newborn the PhD seems pretty easy in comparison ;0) Is just reading and writing, is all! Just slog. Nice bit of perspective.
Happy New Year everyone and good luck for the new semester!
x J
Just to let you know that my baby Beanie arrived on the 15 December :0) He is tiny at 6lbs and very, very cute (of course I would say that!). Am knackered and loving being a new mum, but have to admit that the PhD is never too far from my mind and already am dreading coming back in Sept! How silly is that - we have winter spring and summer to get through first!
Have to say as well that after giving birth and surviving these first few weeks of being a parent to a newborn the PhD seems pretty easy in comparison ;0) Is just reading and writing, is all! Just slog. Nice bit of perspective.
Happy New Year everyone and good luck for the new semester!
x J
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