arf

UG it is one of those weeks... or months.

I just haven't any time to work.  Am either away (not my choice) or the childminder can't work, or the plumber is here (again), or people are coming to stay (not my choice), or ill and so working is on the backburner.  ARG!

Anyway, it is getting towards the end of this period and I should be abck at work properly next week.  At last!  I shall work now if poss, (the wean is napping, the plumber is, ahem, probably napping) but more likely faff getting ready for peeps to come and stay tomorrow.  I shall exercise tonight I think, or might work instead.  Actually, I will work until 9 then watch a new david attenborough programme on t'tele, then go to bed ;0) 

Just saying yo.  Am not shitting myself yet about how little work I am doing, but that will happen very soon...

x J

Odd week

This week is a bit hit and miss workwise.

Today is DB's birthday and although he just seems to be grumpy I am in a jolly old mood and not in the mood for working at all!  I have made him some brownies for his birthday cake and will go and do some more work in a bit.  We are off Down South on Thursday night (all night driving - 7/8 hours of it with a restless toddler?!  UG!  hope he sleeps all the way ;0)) and back on Monday, so although this won't cut into my working horus too much it does make me all out of my routine which always leaves me discombobulated.

Today I will work until about 2/3 when DB is coming home from work early and apparently we are off into twon to do, er, chores!  yaya for birthdays!  Then we pick up Bean and come back to open pressies, drink tea, eat a brownie mebbe and then at 8 DB and are going ooooooout for dinner.  A friend is babysitting hurrah!  Am excited but also kind of not.  Db is just grumpy so am a bit fed up with his company ;0)  he hates his birthday and this is our first at home maybe EVER - we always go away to try and get rid of the horror of it all for him.  Anyway, twill be nice.  Am still waiting for his big pressie to turn up (a watch).

Am really very tired today!  why I know not.

Ok so I am still going through part one of my empirical chapters, annotating and writing a list of changes, while simply re-familiarising myself with what it says.  This should not take too much longer and is nice work to do.  After this it might be an idea to either edit this chapter formally (I need to change the order of it - I don't like the subheadings I am using at the mo so lots of copy and pasting) while the iron is hot, or just know that I have all the edits noted down and get on with trying to write the new chapter.  I shall see what my mood is ;0)

I feel very autumnal today!  Oh how I love Autumn.  This time of year really reminds me of being big and pregnant with Bean too.  I was such a happy pregnant person!

I have been feeling very stressed out about the need to send work to my Sup, just to show I am doing something.  But after seeing my friend and having new batteries installed I am trying to think that *any* work is good work, even if it is editing that no-one will notice but me.  I won't send edits off to my Sup, will just wait until I send him the whole shebang.  Or, with these chapters as there are two empirical chapters maybe I wills end them both off together so he can see the sum total of it and judge if it is good enough to warrant my 5 months in Inja!  My Sup can always email me if he is worried about where my work is.  What will probably happen is that he will get a lot of work in one go after xmas...  hehe.

Gosh I can't wait until this is finished.  I definitely want to see in the new year with a near complete first draft under my belt.  I want to feel in control and ready for the final push...

Could I actually do this?  WOW maybe I can.  Can you imagine how it would feel to finish?!  WOWOWWWWOOOOOW.  It would be even bigger than having Bean in a way, cause he sort of looked after himself and came along when he wanted...  But this I have to work for - every second, every minute, every blasted word... 

x J

Ahhhh I seeeeeeee

It is Sunday!  I am working!  Sort of!  Only till 3 then am off swimming aye.

I saw my PhD friend the other day and she has cheered me up no end!

It turns out that:

• Other people in the dept that should have finished last year are still hanging around, and they have niether job nor child to fret about but are just being very slow.  Hurrah!
• Other people at the same stage as me are dithering more and more as it reaches the final stages of the course.  It is seemingly typical to be suffering fatigue and an increased inability to concentrate after all this time.
• Other people are keen on multi tasking (having small distractions!) while working/writing as just sitting with the laptop and work is pretty boring and claustrophobic. 
• Other people are working about 5 hours a day - less than at any time during their PhD so far.  And not every day.
• Other people are losing their memory too!  Seems that the work is now getting so big that other peeps are finding it hard to remember even something they read that morning so copious note taking/memory jogging notes are the norm.

SOOOOO I am not stupid or a freak or crap.  I am actually typical of a PhD student at this stage (Well, not necessarily typical but not alone anyway).  I thought I didn't work enough hours, had a poor memory, poor concentration and was easily distracted because I was a *mum* more than a student, but in fact these are all hallmarks of being a final year PhD student!  How life affirming it was to find that out.  And I am not rubbish because I like to work in front of the tv if I can, but in fact doing *any* work in *any* way is a bonus.

I believed several myths.  That final year students were:  wise; organised; very, very hard working (i.e. constantly working); did not procrastinate; did not use facebook in working hours; had strict working hours and immense discipline; did not need chocolate to bribe them to work; could concetrate for long periods of time; could proof read their own work superbly; did not forget important nuggets of work but of course, worked on them straight away.  And that they worked now more than ever.  And that writing up took a Very Long Time - but in fact it seems that is the reading and planning that takes up loads of time, writing can be done very quickly with the right preparation.  (Hurrah!  because every time I want to write something comes up that means i have to do more reading/planning and I thought I was dithering.  I think a PhD is largely about productive dithering ;0))

So the myths are, ahem, not true.  And I know this, because my PhD friend is one of the most perfectionist-y, hard working, conscientious people I know.  So if she is learning that having a life is as important as this course, and that we should just work when we can rather than beating ourselves up because we haven't worked four hours straight in a dark, silent room, written 6,000 words in the process and edited an old draft.  And read Foucault in the original french.

So there.  PLODDING is the key, just keep on and on and on in whatever way you can.  Don't compare youreself to others and definitely do not imagine that everyone else is doing their PhD more perfectly!  Hehe, I felt so much better on Friday night having spent the day letting off steam and getting all the gossip on my colleagues.  Oh AND she saw another of our friends who is due to submit at christmas and a) this girl was in a pub and b) enjoying herself and c) not having a breakdown and d) she is a perfectionist type too.  Which all gives me hope that I can complete and not in too much pain either...  we'll see ;0)

My PhD friend is due to complete a month before me - April next year.  So we should graduate at the same time which would be so cool.  And we both said that the next three months are crucial for our work and she said that she was aiming to have her first draft done for Jan as xmas was  not looking good any more.  Which is fab because that is the same as me!  I did panic that maybe my first draft was going to be too late, or was too late already but she said that she would be pleased to get it done with only a month after for edits (i have given myself three months).  So am not behind or anything!  and she said that considering I was aiming to complete on time, having had a baby and done a triathlon that that was pretty cool.  Which was very sweet and did make me feel like actually I was doing well, not just surviving.  And that is brilliant for the self esteem boost I really needed to keep going.  Am all recharged and ready to go.

So, my husband (!) and baby are out now and I am going to sneak downstairs and do some work in front of some silly tv and then swim at 3pm.

laters!
x J

The Dip

DB talked to me last night and told me about this motivational something or other he has been listening to and it was pretty helpful really.

He said that this guy thinks that if you are doing anything difficult and huge then there will always be a 'dip' where you are stuck at the bottom and staring up feeling pretty helpless and useless.  And that this Dip is inevitable and experienced by everyone doing the same thing.  The idea is that you have to work out whether your situation is indeed a dip, or a cul-de-sac, in which case get the heck out ;0)  I am not in a cul-de-sac and DB said that he will help me in any way he can, particularly with Bean, to make sure I can finish.  The 'dip' chappy also said it is worth assessing your life when in this situation to see what can be trimmed or got rid of so you can focus on what matters.  And so I have quit my super scary swimming club for now as it is an extra mental drain (I dread going and sometimes nearly cry when on my gazillionth timed lap) and challenge I really don't need, and will exercise in my own way in my own time.  I can easily go back if I want to.

I don't think there is much else I can do other than try and work more on weekends if DB doesn't mind.  I told him that really I just need lots of time over the next three months as this is really make or break time.  If I am still dithering over this chapter or simply writing intros in three months then I have blown it.  Until then...

Little bean is under the weather today, though he is at the childminder's nonetheless. She's closer than lots of our family to him now so it won't be a drain for him and he is her only child so I know he will be well looked after.  I am better today and able to have some perspective.  Also, I read an old chapter of mine last night as I need to remind myself of what it says for this chapter and actually it is very good and sets up this chapter nicely.  That was pleasing.  I have also decided to just get the PhD, rather than trying to set the world alight which was preventing me from working properly because I felt so stupid all the time.  Just get it done, in any way I can!

If I did get this PhD I would be so very very pleased.  This time next year it will all be over and history and I won't even remember today or yesterday.

So today I am going to start writing this empirical chapter and when I get stuck I shall do some more reading.  I have some chocolate and it is all cosy inside out of the rain so I hope to get stuck in.  I will be so proud when I have written this chapter!  Tonight I have to type up pages of references into my endnote.  Oh joy - but it is a big chore and when it is done I can relax that little bit more!

x J

How not to get a PhD

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2002/nov/08/highereducation.books

I found this just now looking at dropping out.  It is from Derek Bird's 'how not to get a PhD'.  I tick the overestimate what a PhD wants, losing contact with your supervisor and getting a job (having a baby) boxes - three out of seven.  No wonder I want to leave.  But it does make me feel a bit better.

x J

Typical Tuesday

This is what is becoming a typical tuesday post.

But I am stresssssssssssssssssssssssed and very, very unhappy.  I haven't worked because i can barely remember what I was doing last week.  Even though i worked at the weekend and in the evenings and tried to stay on top of it, without working for hours every day I can't keep up with it.

I am thinking about jacking it all in.  If DB is right, and this is a hobby (he sincerely regrets saying that btw, it just sticks in my head) then why am i doing this?  Because this is NOT a hobby!  It is hideous!  It is a half life, a shadow over everything I do - and for what?  I won't work in academia.  I won't work in any job for about 10 years while I am bringing up small kids.  And when I do I want to work in charities, and not on a giant scale at that.  If I carry on with this the likelihood is that I will be overqualified for the kind of work I want to do!  I like my work but hate the side-effects and the stress it is causing with each missed deadline and I can't concentrate. 

I am finding it really hard to work without a supervisor :0(  I have no one to talk to or check in to.  but if I make a fuss about it then someone may step up and start making deadlines for me that are impossible to keep with a Bean.  Bean still isn't sleeping through and is very jealous of my work.  I can hardly work in the hosue with him around cause I hear him shouting for me downstairs all the time.  I tell DB to take him out but how bossy can I/should I be?!  It's their house too!

I want to finish.  I really do and I know that if I don't I will always regret it.  But I don't know if I CAN without working on it all the time.  Other mums work part time on it and manage, I know, but they must be so clever and adaptable.  I am not clever, I got onto this course from working 15 hour days and thinking of little else.  I was naive to think I could do both.  If I am not going to use it, is it just for vanity that I persue it - at the expense of my family and even my professional life?  I mean, Bean didn't want to go to his childminder today (the first day ever he hasn't and it was so sad), I haven't worked today as my brain is too scatty (am a bit under the weather) and I feel dreadful about this.  So dreadful.  And I have the deadline of may next year looming, looming, looming - it is all I think about.  And I have no money.  Would it be so bad to stop?  And go out and get a job I would actually like for two days a week, earning money and gaining experience?  Would anyone really care that I didn't finish apart from me?

Maybe it is really selfish to carry on doing this. 

I am going to talk to DB tonight.  I don't think I can carry on living this life where I am niether a happy, stay at home mum or a good worker.  I am doing neither very well and feel like such a massive disappointment.

Then I think of my funding and feel sick about it all.

What am I to do?

x J

Reading

Arf I have done what I do *every* chapter or essay and it is very annoying.

each time, honestly for YEARS, I do all my research, get together all my sources and then think 'right!  let's get writing!'  Then I sit around for a few days sort of stuck and thinking am just procrastinating.  THEN finally I realise that I am not actually ready to write and, UG UG UG, I have to re-read all my sources in one fell swoop to get all the info into my brain ready to regugitate it.  And I forget every time because I hate doing it and secretly just hope I could do the reading once, do a plan and then write it out like a genius memory person.  I give myself too much credit and forget (haha the irony) that I have a terible memory and have to work twice as hard as anyone else.  SO I am not writing today, I am re-reading (quickly, but thoroughly) all my sources relevant to this chapter and then will write it out.

The thing is that i cannot leave any time between reading and writing.  So if I spent today and tomorrow reading, as I probably will, I must, must must start writing tomorrow night (uh oh can't as DB has footie all night) or Friday night.  As soon as I can basically or the info will be forgotton and I shall have to do it ALLLLLL again.  No please, no.

This is the kind of thing that is hard with a baby.  They just totally take up your time even if you are committed to the nth degree ;0) 

So better not waste time.  Actually, would be best to read as much as I can today wouldn't it, to start writing tomorrow afternoon hopefully.  I can't rush it though, I must remember that this reading bit is actually very important cause once it is done I write pretty quickly. 

I hate being thorough.

x J

Back to work proper like

Yo yo

Am back to work today!  Am actually quite relieved to be able to get on with it.  The wedding and honeymoon was brilliant, and I did relax although I did think about work a lot.  but I think at this stage of one's PhD that is inevitable. 

What is important is that I *did* have a break and so I feel that I am starting afresh, facing a big ol' ski slope that I have to navigate down, down, down and get some speed and some rythmn and finally see the finish line.  And maybe pass it! 

And, as Zalfa kindly pointed out, looking at the edits from my Sup last night I did realise that actually they were kind pointers about grammar rather than anything substantially awful about even phrasing, terminology or crossing outs and expletives related to my general incompetence :0)  This has to be a good thing!  So am taking the no news is good news approach and just getting on with it.  I went and told DB while he was bathing Bean and he couldn't believe we hadn't thought of that before.  Instead I was just being negative and in a bad frame of mind about the whole thing when we went away (I did some whining about it all on holiday lol).  Am not better really, I am so terrified and overwhelmed but I am feeling better equipped to get on with it.

I have friends coming to stay around the 22nd and they will be in this room (poor things) so I want to get this chapter down for then...  another 7,500 words...  It is well planned though so should be ok.  I really need to stick to deadlines now.  In all honesty, and I hate admitting this, I don't think I will have my first draft done until the end of Jan now, instead of xmas as I hoped.  But I will get it done.  Another thing about completing this chapter is that I really don't like doing it!  I am not enjoying writing up my empirical work; it is weak and I am not very good at it.  My strength lies in more abstract analysis and theory so it just doesn't do it for me.  And it is completely new I suppose - I have never really had to do my own research and then analyse it seriously as if it was any good.  So maybe in that way it is a bit scary.  I hadn't really thought of that.

At the mo I am going to go through my thesis synopsis and just write out obvious things that I forget, such as the fact it is apparently in two parts (hehe I had forgotton this) that address two different things, so I can remember what part this chapter addresses and stay on track - rather than treating it as an essay in its own right based around my research question.  Focussed and tight.  I am going to get out ALL my notes on reading and put them on the floor and take out anything relevant to this chapter - largely theoretical stuff - so I can refer to them quickly and easily.  I am going to read through the intro again and get it IN my head and read any of the theory notes that I am a bit hazy on.  Then I am going to do some writing!  I expect the organising will take until lunchtime, then after lunch I shall write.

Tonight I am going to my swim club (eek am scared!) and don't get back till 8 and by the time I have eaten and got myself sorted it is usually pretty late and it knackers me out, so no work tonight.  I do intend to work most evenings now though.  It isn't a hardship really, sitting and watching tv doing nothing just makes me feel stressed about all the work I have to do!

x J

Back and married!!

Whee am all spanking new!  Got a new name innit.  Same old massively worried and scared attitude mind ;0)

Wedding was lovely - the venue, even tho it was a register office, was so perdy as it was in a really olde building, and our friends were lovely.  We quaffed champagne afterwards then hopped on a plane for our honeymoon, drank more champagne on the plane while bean played with his sticker book, arrived in our resort and drank more champagne and went to bed at about 5.30am.  Everyone on the plane congratulated us and it was most marvellous.  Coming out about our nuptials on arriving home has been a pleasure as everyone has been really chuffed for us and not at all miffed or weirded out by our secrecy and privacy.  Super dooper!

Our holiday was amaaaaazing, so relaxing not having to think if we didn't want to.  And now I am back to work.  I decided to work tonight so I am not stressy tomorrow and can hit the ground running I hope.  I have had my new chapter intro back from my sup with lots of grammatical corrections and no encouragment or indication of its merit/lack of whatsoever which has really depressed me actually.  I feel completely useless and, well, like a total twat for being on this course actually.  But the best I can do is plod on and if I finish it to a high enough standard then well done me, and if I don't then at least I tried.  Faint heart ne'er won fair lady and all that. 

Spent this morning in the uni library with bean doing some much needed photocopying.  Trying to work out how to photocopy, watch bean, entertain bean, try not to waste people's time when they are queueing behind me, and making sure the photocopying is readable is not easy!  Anyway, is just good that I can take the littl'un in to do such things.  And he loves the bus ;0)  Now he can talk that kind of thing is much easier as he will let me know verbally if he is miffed/hungry/thirsty etc rather than spontaneously bursting into a tearful rage that is highly stressful!  Anywho, did that and now am going to tackle the errors my Sup sent back to me.  Honestly, it is so depressing and will-sapping.  But face it I must.. and just try and get over it and move on.

x J