Up and at 'em

I am out of the hotel! Phew! I feel much better this morning having had two days of total rest(from moving).

Am feeling pretty on top of stuff now have read a few up-to-date papers and maybe started my own (hurray!)... And am out at the internet cafe to make reservations for my ma to come and stay which is proving rather tricky. Well, it will be lovely when she gets here (17 feb). If I am not stressed to the eyeballs with work. Oh dear!

SOOO today... Am going to check through the paper outline I wrote later yesterday. Need to really work out whether it is actually a synopsis of my PhD... you would think this would be obvious but the focus of it actually changes week to week - I have about three major foci of the PhD and in the end one will win out but as yet I am unsure which! Nothing wrong with a good synopsis though (or even abstract) and if it is a bit too all-encompassing then I can always take my favourite bit out if it and make it an article. It is a first step and that is enough for me!

Other than that I am emailing to get my ma somewhere to stay when she comes and, to be honest, resting my brain. Even though being ill is totally rubbish, because I have not felt ill as such I have been able to actually take advantage of being holed up to read for pleasure, for work, write and get on top of 'India'. In fact, I feel quite rested and ready to get back into work. I am so looknig forward to going south tomorrow, and finally, finally, getting my recce underway. I have decided to stay for a week and come back up north next Sunday, with the aim of arriving at site one that Sunday or Monday. Then I shall (again, finally) start work proper!! I am so looking forward to it now. Before Christmas I was dreading the whole issue of having to talk to strangers etc, but now with the hassle of getting site two underway I have realised that in many ways that is the easy and interesting bit! I am also so happy I have decided to come back to India in Sept - this means that I can relax into my work more and not feel the dreaded clock ticking above my head, counting down how little time I have left and spelling certain PhD-doom... Actually I started having a peek at rental properties in the area we are moving too and they are cheaper than when we left! God bless the recession ;0P and the cottages are gorgeous - I cannt wait to get one! yaya!

*detour warning*
Really am so looking forward to getting back to England - being understood and completely understanding, being cold (! hehe I know), going for a long, slow run (!! I know!), having a whole fridge and an oven of my own! And more than a room for myself! Seems really quite extravagant. Especially the fridge thing. Luckily I am a user-upper, I boil the bones of mah chickens for stock etc so don't often waste food which makes me feel less guilty about craving my fridge. Oooooh, I am having a fridge reverie... In my fridge I will have ham, cheese, eggs, and lots and LOTS of salad. LOTS. I miss salad. Cool, crisp lettuce and cucumber. I will have butter! Real butter and nice margerine-stuff. And some brie. And a sneaky, open bottle of chilled white wine... And some mince beef for a lovely lasagne. And I will have my veg bowl all stocked! With aubergine! And two courgette and carrots (some, not many) and mushrooms! Lots! And a squash or some beetroot, and green beans! Garlic and ginger! And in my cupboard I will have cereal to go with my cool, cool milk. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg......

And of course, lots and lots of curry.

Bizarrley, when DB went to our 'complimentary' breakfast this morning, they had hash browns - which were plain boiled potatoes (!!) and grilled tomatoes, or cornflakes with hot milk, or coffee with milk (had to pay extra for coffee without milk). What a strange breakfast!!

BTW, I am going to start a little section where I put a quote I particularly like, to help with my work. Just one a week or something. It is terribly cheesy, but you can't scoff too much at a wee bit of another's learning and knowledge...

Hope all is well with everyone!

x J

Hmmm!

Well, I am still in my pyjamas and DB has gone out to see if he can get us some tix to get to The South in the next couple of days. If he can't 'tis to site one for us!

I have been ill all day which is boring. Am just dandy in myself, is just my tummy :0( So, I read some papers and then wrote the introduction for my own! WOOT! I have not written a paper yet (yes, I know I am slow off the blocks, but am not a born academic. I like my dim, flickering bulb to be kept under a very thick bushel, thank you very much) but the articles seemed to sort of bring together my own thoughts (thanks Sup!) and ta da! I wrote a critique of how they fit into my work then realised that I sort of had all the ideas that form an interesting part of my work in my head for the first time (they don't usually convene together, or, if they do, cannot usually be described as 'interesting' to anyone outside my head) then wrote the abstract (100 words) and the intro (500 words). Obviously this is more of an outline than an intro. I shall check through later and tomorrow, then re write undoubtedly, then send to my sup and see what he thinks. And then I shall write it as I go along here, (when am ill, ug, all the time) or wait till I get home (Oh no! Tummy calls!)...

later...

... and write it then - but at least I have a) an idea of what to write about, b) am pretty chuffed about it, and c) have written it out so just need to flesh it out now.

hurray! I am quite excited about it!

x J

Oh crap

I am most unamused! I am still ill! For another blinkin' day I am in bed, near a loo, unable to go out and seek the people. I am just dying to go south and do my recce but no way is it happening today, and I am pretty sure it shan't be happening tomorrow either.

If anyone has any tips I would be most grateful. What to do? I didn't eat yesterday apart from the evil coke and crisps for lunch (I know pepsi as good zalfa but no one has any :0( ) and then dinner. So today I am only eating one packet of plain crisps. One. And hopefully it will go away of its own accord. I feel fine in myself which is frustrating, but then again I am catching up on work articles that otherwise would wait till I had some spare time so that's ok. Today I am in super chill-out mode though and not doing a THING. Except reading later of course, and checking emails and writing my fieldwork journal. Other than that, not a THING.

I have spent nearly a month of my time in India being ill I reckon. It doesn't help that I get ill anyway when I am stressed out. Arg I am such a PAIN!

DB has the beginnings of a sore throat too... (well, there is a stone in his throat and pain at the back like a knife has cut it) so I wonder if the trip south is a bit doomed, and I should just call it a day for now?! At the mo we are holed up in a hotel that is twice as much as we usually pay and miles away from real inja (vertically - I can hear it all going on beneath me but can't see it or join in... I can smell it though... Oh how I miss it!) and have been waiting out Pongal to get train tix while getting our work heads on after Goa and working through my illness for the past three days... but nothing is happening until I get well enough for the day-long journey, and we don't know when next available tickets will be (I know, I know, but I didn't realise - being in Goa - that Pongal was quite as huge a festival as it is in TN and so trains are BUSY). Being ill on a busy Indian train and a jolting squat loo would be one of the most unamusing events of my life I have to say - and likely to make me iller w' all the germs and that. So I am thinking about calling it a day on that plan for now and heading down to site 1 instead, recuperating there and paying normal rent rates, there is plain western food (the cause of my original illness I must not forget!) that I am comfortable with (porridge! Muesli!), and I can start working even if it is just watching and learning or talking to someone in a cafe or hawkers on the beach... I can go to the south later. It is inconvenient but it is better than doing nothing... I think this may be the best plan. If we were going to be well tomorrow (DB and I - not the royal 'we') and had train tix then I would defo go south, but feel maybe it is not meant to be right now.

Hmm. This new plan will take some adjusting to - it is quite a turn up for the books. I shall ponder on it for a couple of hours. In bed. Feeling shite. Going to site 1 tomorrow is really something I hadn't considered until this morn.

I don't want to get out of bed :0(

But I want to go to work!

x J

Wow and hurrah and Woot!

Today, for the first time in donkeys-yonks (what is a donkey's yonk?) I feel like a PhD student again. I really do!!

Last night I was reading through some rubbish on my comp, a bit hyper and unable to sleep and then opened what I thought was an old MA essay that I fancied having a superior chortle at (or gaining inspiration from, either way would please me). Well, it turned out to be my sup's MA module outline and it had on it the two most wondeful paragraphs I have read in many a moon - they so neatly summated my work and intentions and also brought me round full circle to my original intention in doing this research. Lights sparked and I felt happy and enthusiastic in a way I haven't for so long! I have even been considering leaving my field after this PhD because I just feel so flat about it - but now the exciting point of it all has come back to me and I feel much, much better. And then I read an article that I have read before but it made so much more sense, and for a while I felt almost clever and like a real PhD student.

So for the moment - and I do not say that in a self-deprecating way, it is always 'for the moment' in PhD-land - I feel ok and actually positive. Whoop-ha!

Today I am in the last day of my illness (yes, Goa gave me tourist disease which I think I am coming out of today after many, many hours of sleep and some peace - something India is not really that au fait with giving) and tomorrow we head south to recce site number two.

I heard from my Sup today as well. It was another lovely email, he said that he couldn't really advise me about what to do with my work as he doesn't know the scene (arg, how I long for the days when I was firmly held on some reins! 'Yes J! Do that! No J. Don't do that...') but did assure me that most PhDs need to go back to their field site as the first visit usually raises more issues than it solves. Bless him for that - that is the most lovely peice of wisdom and I am very grateful for it because that is exactly what has been happening to me. Every day I end up with only questions and riddles - but no blinkin' answers, and what am I here for if not to get answers?

Ug! DB has just come in and told me that we can't get train tickets for our recce tomorrow!! Arg this means we should probably book waaaaay longer in advance that we have. Hmmm, should I go straight to site one then? I shall have to ponder. Although today is Pongal (harvest festival and the first day of the offical Tamil New Year) - one of the biggest festivals and everything is shut down, maybe tomorrow will provide us with some answers when people are actually at work...

I have a packet of crisps and, most wonderfully, a bar of choccy courtesy of DB. And the necessary evil that is a can of coke (to kill tummy germs apparently). I know one shouldn't eat fat and sugar when ill but it's all I ever fancy and seems to do me good.

Oh research, research, when will you be my friend?!!! Time is going too fast, I cannot dither!

x J

Tanned, toxic and ready for action!!

I had a whole week off! A WHOLE week! I looked at the internet once! I seriously cannot remember the last time I did that.

I had the most fabulous holiday, with an amazing amount of fantastic sunshine, warm ocean, palm trees, any kind of food one could possibly desire (erm... not curry) - and an overwhelming amount of white russians (the drinks I mean - although, amusingly, it is rather a russian holiday hotspot). SO as a consequence I have been fairly intoxicated, sleeping till 12, spending the day by the sea and then getting to bed at gone 3am and being quite the stop-out. I am *knackered* and definitely more than aware that my real student days are far behind me. I have also managed to counter most of the weight loss that I have undergone during my time in India!!

I have to say though that I cannot wait to get to bed tonight. Well, I am on my bed already. DB is out at an internet cafe being mardy -we are both being fairly intolerant of each other today, too tired and so are bickering like little toddlers. It is quite pathetic and pointless. But ultimately harmless. I have to say though that I am loving being on my own for a bit.

Workwise I have to say, despite my showing off of my holiday-time, I only truly relaxed and forgot about my work for about the first three days. Then I started worrying at it again and feeling dread when I thought about it. To the point where ths morning I really wondered what on *earth* I am going to do about this research pickle I have got myself into. I really should have done a theoretical piece - that is my forte after all. But no, let's go and play at being researcher... But this evening I spent some time going through my last journal entries and feel considerably calmer. I keep getting really horrible visions of really intense social situations that I would hate (can't think of any now, they have been temporarily smoothed away) but have to do to qualify as a 'good' researcher and then realise that I don't *have* to do these things - what I do have to do is take each day as it comes and work as hard at getting info as I can. I don't know why I try and upset myself so much. Stupid.

So, at the mo I am back in Chennai. I got back today and had a hot shower (yay!) and some curry (ummmm.... Nope, nope, I love curry I *do*, but it does get a bit on top of one after a while) and am now checking emails. Then I shall stop. Tomorrow I am researching how to get to my second site in the south - I am going to go and recce it over the next week. We leave on Weds I reckon, and shall go and have a look-see at the area and work out how best to research it. I was told by a great Indian guy (who told me loooooads about the nuances of Indian culture on our sleeper-train journey - another actually 'awesome' experience (best 'The Hills' accent required - if you don't watch it, be proud of yourself for being adult, if you do - AWESOME!) that no-one - I mean no-one- speaks English down there, all the signs are in the Tamil script and even they, as Indians (albeit from Goa, with a totally different language but hey), had to match a symbol they had to the writing on the bus to check it was theirs. Uh oh! This does not bode well and indicates that a lot of time will need to be spent there - learning the language, getting to know the local (and thinly spread! eek!) population... Oh DEAR. This is quite a turn up for the books, so I am going to have a look-see. Otherwise I may have to organise some kind of volunteering placement or something with an org based up this way... I shall see how it goes. But I also have good news! I received an email from an org in my first site that I contacted and they are looking forward to my visit! WOOT! I am most pleased and shall see what is what when we rock up there in a week from now.

So that is where I am at the moment. I am increasingly aware that I will have to either extend my stay here or come back later in the year to do the second half of my research... I think personally I would rather go back to the UK for a bit and take some time out of India and get all excited about coming back; and professionally I would like to do some more reading around my ideas and also do some analysis to come back with - even stronger! (any strength please.) In my heart of hearts though I just wish I could get it done by April 7th and go home. I am tired and a rubbish researcher! I don't like doing it! Well, I don't like what I have been doing so far, maybe I will like the more on-site, ethnographic-style research more (ummmm....). Apart from the fact I keep forgetting what the chuff 'doing an ethnography' is about, what to look for and why and how to note it and why. Ug. I do think that going home for a few months will totally recharge my batteries so will keep that in mind while I am here... And it will mean another winter away from home! Maybe with xmas as a deadline to give me motivation...

I do feel, on returning to this work, that the work I have been doing so far has been useful, but is defintely the background and sort of 'researching-the-research' phase. I can't claim to 'know' anything yet, I have made mistakes and also come a-cropper relying too much on other people. I feel like this is all ok now though, and that I am now starting the 'proper' research - a little bit wiser and a bit more wary perhaps? I know more what I can/cannot necessarily expect and - most valuable of all - I know that it will take time - and also know the fact that just because it takes time does not mean that I have failed. This type of research *just takes time*.

DB is back and angrily chasing cockleroaches round the room in his pants.

My word.

x J

Holiday time for me!

I am just writing to say that I am off now until the 13 Jan! If I manage to keep away from the blog it means I have managed to keep away from the work and the thinking... I hope that I will be pretty inebriated and dopey most of the time so I will be mentally far, far away from being able to work even if I wanted to!!

Today has been fabulous. I have not felt this relaxed and in control of my work for so long. Perfect time for a break because I am really looking forward to starting again when I come back. I have to say though that I am not sure right now whether to go straight to site 1 and stay there, or whether to take a week to go and investigate site 2... I think the latter would be better and pretty fun, but shall see how I feel toward the end of next week.

I can't believe we are going tomorrow! Tomorrow! It is crazy. I can't believe I am leaving this place. It feels so much like home, having lived here for 6 weeks now... It feels like forever though really 6 weeks isn't very long. Maybe it is because fieldwork is so intense, the time is so precious and condensed - not like at home when days merge into weeks doing the same stuff. Time to go and make a new place my home eh?

Good luck to everyone getting back into the work-mill, and again, happy new year!

x J

A happy fieldworker - at last

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had the most amazing new years eve, on a beach with throngs of other people, and not another whitey or tourist in sight. They were all holed up in the fancy hotels but DB and I, being the explorers we are, made no plans and went with the flow - which was the beach, with kites and stalls and fireworks (dodgy ones), policemen with sticks, boys overloading cars (with themselves) jumping around and shouting like it was the millenium. It was grand! Such an atmosphere!

Anyway, I hope everyone had fun times wherever in the world they happen to be...

I was chuffed to bits as well, because I went to bed last night relaxed in a way I have not felt for weeks. I came to realise yesterday a very basic fact - that I can only do in this time period what I can do. And so, if I am in site one and can't leave after 6 weeks but should stay to find out more stuff - I shan't. But I shall work like I am leaving after 6 weeks, I shall work really hard and be really thorough. But I won't work like this is the *only* time I have, like it is a be-all-and-end-all deadline - it is this deadline that has been the cause of all my paralysis. After I have finished with site 1, I shall move to site 2. In the meantime I shall travel and chase up interviews and meetings. If needs be I shall go to SL and try and get an extension. If I get one, grand, if I don't I shall come home, get a housey (rent), chill and analyse my results so far, and then we will come out again (DB super keen to come out again, he's having a fabulous time so it seems and saving money along the way. Hurray!) toward then end of next year. Job done! I shouldn't worry so much. I don't know why I was worried so much! In a big dark vortex of stress and worry because I didn't really consider coming back as an option. I had until the beginning of April unless I get a new visa - which I may not be able to do. So I had no clue how to squeeze the work into the timeframe I have allocated (due to said visa), yet no confidence I would be able to stay for longer. If I allow for the option of returning to TN all of a sudden I have so much more room to breathe, to work, to de-stress, to enjoy myself here and go with the flow. This has made me so happy.

I am such a simpleton, I know. It is glaringly obvious, yet when you are in the thick of these things sometimes it is hard to see what is staring you in the face.

Also, it is always wise to bear in mind that this is a blog about a normal, not overly fantastically clever person, doing a PhD. I get confused easily in a world of intellectual giants.

And with this in mind I am relaxed and happy to go to Goa tomorrow! Am now considering what to eat for luncheon... curry?!

x J