Tanned, toxic and ready for action!!

I had a whole week off! A WHOLE week! I looked at the internet once! I seriously cannot remember the last time I did that.

I had the most fabulous holiday, with an amazing amount of fantastic sunshine, warm ocean, palm trees, any kind of food one could possibly desire (erm... not curry) - and an overwhelming amount of white russians (the drinks I mean - although, amusingly, it is rather a russian holiday hotspot). SO as a consequence I have been fairly intoxicated, sleeping till 12, spending the day by the sea and then getting to bed at gone 3am and being quite the stop-out. I am *knackered* and definitely more than aware that my real student days are far behind me. I have also managed to counter most of the weight loss that I have undergone during my time in India!!

I have to say though that I cannot wait to get to bed tonight. Well, I am on my bed already. DB is out at an internet cafe being mardy -we are both being fairly intolerant of each other today, too tired and so are bickering like little toddlers. It is quite pathetic and pointless. But ultimately harmless. I have to say though that I am loving being on my own for a bit.

Workwise I have to say, despite my showing off of my holiday-time, I only truly relaxed and forgot about my work for about the first three days. Then I started worrying at it again and feeling dread when I thought about it. To the point where ths morning I really wondered what on *earth* I am going to do about this research pickle I have got myself into. I really should have done a theoretical piece - that is my forte after all. But no, let's go and play at being researcher... But this evening I spent some time going through my last journal entries and feel considerably calmer. I keep getting really horrible visions of really intense social situations that I would hate (can't think of any now, they have been temporarily smoothed away) but have to do to qualify as a 'good' researcher and then realise that I don't *have* to do these things - what I do have to do is take each day as it comes and work as hard at getting info as I can. I don't know why I try and upset myself so much. Stupid.

So, at the mo I am back in Chennai. I got back today and had a hot shower (yay!) and some curry (ummmm.... Nope, nope, I love curry I *do*, but it does get a bit on top of one after a while) and am now checking emails. Then I shall stop. Tomorrow I am researching how to get to my second site in the south - I am going to go and recce it over the next week. We leave on Weds I reckon, and shall go and have a look-see at the area and work out how best to research it. I was told by a great Indian guy (who told me loooooads about the nuances of Indian culture on our sleeper-train journey - another actually 'awesome' experience (best 'The Hills' accent required - if you don't watch it, be proud of yourself for being adult, if you do - AWESOME!) that no-one - I mean no-one- speaks English down there, all the signs are in the Tamil script and even they, as Indians (albeit from Goa, with a totally different language but hey), had to match a symbol they had to the writing on the bus to check it was theirs. Uh oh! This does not bode well and indicates that a lot of time will need to be spent there - learning the language, getting to know the local (and thinly spread! eek!) population... Oh DEAR. This is quite a turn up for the books, so I am going to have a look-see. Otherwise I may have to organise some kind of volunteering placement or something with an org based up this way... I shall see how it goes. But I also have good news! I received an email from an org in my first site that I contacted and they are looking forward to my visit! WOOT! I am most pleased and shall see what is what when we rock up there in a week from now.

So that is where I am at the moment. I am increasingly aware that I will have to either extend my stay here or come back later in the year to do the second half of my research... I think personally I would rather go back to the UK for a bit and take some time out of India and get all excited about coming back; and professionally I would like to do some more reading around my ideas and also do some analysis to come back with - even stronger! (any strength please.) In my heart of hearts though I just wish I could get it done by April 7th and go home. I am tired and a rubbish researcher! I don't like doing it! Well, I don't like what I have been doing so far, maybe I will like the more on-site, ethnographic-style research more (ummmm....). Apart from the fact I keep forgetting what the chuff 'doing an ethnography' is about, what to look for and why and how to note it and why. Ug. I do think that going home for a few months will totally recharge my batteries so will keep that in mind while I am here... And it will mean another winter away from home! Maybe with xmas as a deadline to give me motivation...

I do feel, on returning to this work, that the work I have been doing so far has been useful, but is defintely the background and sort of 'researching-the-research' phase. I can't claim to 'know' anything yet, I have made mistakes and also come a-cropper relying too much on other people. I feel like this is all ok now though, and that I am now starting the 'proper' research - a little bit wiser and a bit more wary perhaps? I know more what I can/cannot necessarily expect and - most valuable of all - I know that it will take time - and also know the fact that just because it takes time does not mean that I have failed. This type of research *just takes time*.

DB is back and angrily chasing cockleroaches round the room in his pants.

My word.

x J