Tiiiired and Boooooored

Arf I am tired and bored today!

I managed to change my childminder date to Monday so I have tomorrow off, which is grand because I need it!

Yesterday was a nightmare.  A nightmare!  Endnote wouldn't work in my methodology chapter, I think it was an old chapter and  had started it using Word's referencing system many moons ago, before I have endnote.  But it wouldn't put my new refs in properly or convert my old ones, it was just very unhappy.  I tried opening a new document and copy and pasting the etxt but it was like the text itself was diseased, even without the references, and would corrupt the new document :(  So after an hour of this and feeling utterly exasperated I decided it would be quicker for me to type the chapter out into a new document and re-do the refs as I went along with endnote.  I only had 4 refs!  but it was a nightmare anyway.  i typed half of it out and decided to just type out some more and write new stuff each day until I was done :(  Arf.  DB was adamant there would be a better way and I am sure there is but I do not know what it is and couldn't waste the whole day working it out only to find there was none.  I couldn't work out how to delete the page numbers i had at the bottom too - which sounds daft as I can actually do this normally, but think the doc was just corrupted and fecked anyway.  When at this stage of the PhD I could really do with knowing what I am writing is 'safe' you know?!  I might have taken the long way around but I feel good for doing it... which is what counts.

So I spent all day doing that and was knackered (and sick of typing!) but still had to do the day's work of 500 words so sat down and did that at around 7.15 once bean was asleep (after having a massive tantrum for about an hour because he was soooooo tired :( ).  Worked till about 8.30 then finally relaxed downstairs. 

Today I am very tired as I did not sleep well!  And I am bored, bored, bored of doing methodology stuff!  I have done half of my 500 words so that is good, and want to to more, more, more!  Need to write lots today.  Am freewriting again, just trying to get down as much as I can and not worry too much about form.  I have realised I need a theory I was going to ditch so haven't read as much as I should have, and generally find it quite complicated, so will need to go to the library after holiday and read up on it :(  YUK.

Ok... so better get writing! 

x J

Doing A-Ok

Today feels pretty slow going and Hard Work but actually I am doing pretty well.

I need to work more, faster, harder.  BUT I have gone over my target today of 500 words, as I did last night too, and have worked for long periods of time.  More working than not.  And I am pretty excitable today as I have had some lovely family news and am off on holiday next week :)  #Bout time I cheered up, really.

I am busy slowly going through old notes and meetings from Olde with my Sup which happened to be about my methodology.  I barely remember these meetings so think they must have been before I did my fieldwork (In 2008/9!  Feck that was a long time ago!) but are very useful.  I am sure I am repeating myself and I know I am writing it in a way that will need serious editing, but I am writing so nerr.

I am not angry with my childminder situ any more because she offered to take him for an extra day this week.  So I shall work Friday too although I would prefer Monday so will ask later.  Closer to holiday leaving time I thnk i will feel the pressure more and do better work than on a Friday :)

Erm...  so that is me!

Today is a great day.  So far.

Am so starving though, Sainsburys man better turn up soon with my sausage rolls or I shall be angered.  Oh he just rang, not for 45 mins!  I am starving for my sausage rolls!

x J 

Did lots!

I am so glad I worked tonight now!

I worked solidly for the past hour, putting together my notes into more orderly (and smaller) piles so I can access the info more easily, and then typing up one of my brainstorms linking together the different approaches I am doing.

I am starting to realise that this chapter may not be as descriptive as I hoped and may need some actual brain power.  But at the same time it is nice to be reminded of my theory in depth, as although I do know it, I don't really super dooper know it (any more).  I think having this chapter done will definitely add depth to my latest chapter re-writes.  Which is good.

I also managed to add nearly 600 words!  yay!  500 a day is what I would like to do, and seeing that they notes are all there I hope to achive it, even if it is pretty rubbish.  My Joan Bolker book encourages 'freewriting', just getting info out there, to prevent writer's block and encourage any kind of writing!  Without the words nothing would be edited/deleted.

So.  I am off now to sit and buzz in front of the tv.  I hate working late, i find it hard to wind-down and sleep badly.

Anywho, g'night!

x J

I DON'T WANT TO!

I don't want to be at work!

I don't want to! 

I could even tell myself I don't need to be up here, tonight, having had a day of it on my todd with a poorly, shouty toddler :)

So I am very proud that I am here.  I have eaten a fair few pringles in the time it has taken me to turn on my laptop, but I can't complain as it was the secret lure of those pringles that got me in this room in the first place (when I could be downstairs with my feet up with the biscuits.  d'oh).

Tonight I will work until about 9pm and I aim to do at least 3 sessions of 30 mins and write as much of my notes up as possible. 

First ten mins starts now...

x J

 

There is No Motivation; Just Determination :)

I came to my desk at 6ish and have been working pretty well, considering.

I am pretty sulky because my head wants to party after all the hard work I put into my lit review.  Is like having exams back-to-back and Just Not Fair.  It is also hard to come back to writing after editing.  It is a totally different form of work and you really have to keep urging yourself to editing and just write!  I will edit for ages even though the work I have done on this chapter is minimal and only rough.  Silly waste of time.  I have also been struggling not to be sidetracked, so doing my ten min rule religiously then letting myself wander all over the internet for as long as I need until I remember why I am here :)  Is only about 20 mins away tops which is ok for just starting back.  The gap will shorten as I get some typing rhythm going.

But for today I managed to complete a decent introduction (it was already pretty good which was a godsend) and then make the intro the structure of the chapter with headings and subheadings.  Now all I have to do is the colouring in :) I am pleased for now because sorting out this structure normally takes me a really long time, but because it is there I can literally start typing.

To help me work, as of now, I am going to:

• Take my mound of notes (nearly a foot high?!) and if I see an 'important' piece of paper type it into my chapter under a heading.  Chuck anything waffly/repeated.
• Not worry about style or flow, just freewrite stuff.
• Remember that this chapter is really descriptive and doesn't really need much individual thinking or analysis. It is a 'backbone' chapter, providing the support to the ideas chapters and analyses that branch off it.  SO DON'T OVER ANALYSE/COMPLICATE THINGS.
• Just think of this as a getting words down on paper mission.  As many words as possible.  make sense of them later.  Let's get the bulk down and then edit, edit, edit :)

Ooh I feel good now I know what I am doing.  I have some brain storms next to me of reasons I am using certain theories (I do not remember writing this, nor why I am using certain theories... so hurray for the other 'me' that did this work!)  which I will type up tomorrow.

I cannot tell you how much it hurts me to think I have to come back to work tomorrow.  Even though I have finished a chapter and realised I don't have to do another one, I STILL can't have a day off :(  Being motivated to come back day after day is so tricky, and I tell you I am chuffed if I have done 30 mins work in two hours.  All the momentum and motivation I had with the last chapter fizzled out when it finished.  Fizzled. 

Momentum and motivation are hard won.  You will NOT be motivated 'just like that'.  In fact I hardly believe in motivation.  It is so brief and unreliable!  Better thinking there is no motivation, just determination :)

Oh yeah!

x J

 

The Day I Found Out there is No 'Discussion' Chapter

OMFG!  (I use this in a joking way, I do not actually say OMG)

I have just been perusing a colleague's dissertation in order to work out what I should write for my methodology and what I should try and call it etc (Yes, I confess, i thought it might be titled 'methdology'.  It isn't.  It has a proper title of cleverness) and to do this I was going through his chapter summary at the beginning.

And I have noticed that he doesn't have a chapter called 'conclusion'.

Oh no.  And he doesn't have a chapter called 'discussion' (I have already worked out that the discussion chapter is not called the discussion chapter but also has a proper name! )  And as I worked this all out I also noticed that he doesn't have a discussion chapter at all really, but a conclusion.  And then, I realised, *I* don't need to write a discussion chapter!  OMFG.  My discussion chapter is not a stand alone chapter, but part of the conclusion!  The 'discussion' is the conclusion. 

And get this for how slow I am.  My best PhD friend said to me when I was freaking out about my discussion chapter all those months ago, she said 'there is no difference between the discussion chapter and the conclusion you know'.  And I heard this and was flummoxed, but carried on regardless because obviously, every thesis has a discussion...  and a conclusion (I have written two distinction level Masters theses.  I Know Things (soon to be revised to I Know Shit All)!).  And THEN, get this - it is hilarious; I went for a meeting with my Sup.  And he said to me during this meeting about the 'discussion chapter': 'what is the difference between a conclusion and a discussion?'  And I proudly answered, remembering what my wise best PhD friend said, 'there isn't a difference!  They are the same!'  And he smiled, I was correct.

And then I went home and wrote a 'discussion' chapter, with no conclusions, and, despite two friends telling me there is no such thing as a 'discussion' chapter, have planned for months and months to write a different chapter called a 'conclusion'.

Feck me.  I am so so so so so so so so so so so thick :)

This is a  marvellous finding as obviously the re-draft of my 'discussion' (now conclusion) has to be done anyway and can now just be the conclusion.  It also means I have one less chapter to write!  OMG HOW does that happen to anyone except me?!  God I am so thick I deserve a medal, I really do.  No WONDER my Sup was pissed off with the 'discussion' chapter I sent him; to him it would have just seemed as though I had written a LOT about nothing (9000 words just to round up the research) and completely ignored the point of the chapter i.e. further study etc.  And this is good that I have worked this out before I, ahem, try and write a 'conclusion'.

HOWEVER as far as the word count goes I am a bit worried...  I have just lost 8000 words I thought I was going to write.  I will only do 8 Chapters now which only rounds up to 64000 words :(  I'd say each chapter was about 9000 words but still... it falls short.

Uh oh.

And now I have the small worry about whether another chapter is somehow missing.  This dissertation I have read has TWO methodology chapters.  Eek.  Though it is a thesis about using a particular methodology to study conflict so guess that is why [blush].  I am so thick.  And actually, is only 7 chapters long and they do look like LONG chapters.

I am so thick I once wrote a practical criticism for my A Level in English Literature on a poem and when I asked about the poem to my teacher she said 'oh that poem?  nah, it was written when he was high on opium, it means nothing.'  I sheepishly threw away that analysis I spent HOURS on and was very chuffed with and wrote a new essay.  I could analyse ANYTHING and write ANYTHING about NOTHING.  This is not a skill, it is a WASTE OF TIME!

Seriously, am completely mad.

But I have one less chapter to write!  CHUFFED to bits.  And I realised this on a saturday to boot ;)  I can celebrate! (by having this evening off!)

What a (happy) twat.

 x J

On to the methodology

And after my lovely day off I am back to it :)

I am on a two week holiday in less than two weeks and am determined to get as much of this methodology chapter dones as I can, if not actually finished in some form.  Because then, then, then my friends I would only have the intro and concl to write from scratch :)  Oh what a lovely day!

I had a quick squizz through it the other day and it isn't so bad as it stands, I have about 2500 words down and a decent outline of the structure.  In all honesty I have no idea what goes in a methodology chapter so better find out today.

I have to put away my notes from the precious chapter and get out my methodology notes instead which i will do today.  I will work in ten minute sections as I am completely terrified about starting again from scratch!  From tonight (am working 5-8/9pm) I will start trying to achieve 500 words a day, in ten minute sections, with one day off a week.  This leaves me...  11 working days until I go on hols, so a possible 5500 words to have written.  That's ok by me.  This chapter will NOT be any more than 8,000 words.  I am struggling to work out how to fill 8000 to be honest!

Let me think.  A methodology will need (in no particular order):

• Explanation and defence of theoretical direction.  This will be a lot - about 3000 words.
• Research Question and how I got there.
• Explanation and defence of research carried out, methods used, 'sample', research assistants.  This will include a bit about why I didn't use other methods that might have also been suitable/acknoweldgement of how methods and theory did or did not match (my theory hates the idea of 'objective research' on behaviour but sadly I had to questionnaires and interviews as time didn't allow for ethnography).
• Explanation and defence of my case study country, area, region, villages.
• Explanation of the limits of my research.
• Ethical considerations.

Hmmm.  Anything else?!  Am not sure. 

Am annoyed as I think I have realised that I tried to say too much in my lit review and ended up with it being a garbled load of everything rather than concise presentation of a few ideas.  Eek.  This doesn't matter too much as it is the first draft and anything too 'much' for the lit review will probably go in the intro.  Is just disappointing and makes me dread my Sup's vicious criticism.  Anyway, it is written and ready to re-work at a later date :)

x J