Sooooooooooooooooo much better :0)

I am out of the swamp!  Out of the PhD induced swamp of misery hurrah!

Since my big chat with myself last week I have been busy busy.  I have completed my triathlon, which was hellish, took ages, hurt like billy-o and was great.  Am most pleased.  I have been working in the evenings as and when and have re-adjusted my aims and expectations for the ol' PhD...

Before I wanted to hand in asap.  Whatever the cost (ie happiness and sanity).  Now, I have realised that instead of being June, I will be lucky if I get my first draft in in December.  December!  Wow what a difference.  Now, I haven't told anyone this.  If anyone asks me from now on when I expect to finish I shall be noncommittal and make mutterings about how I have until June next year to hand in.  No more grand announcements that it *shall* be done this year.  That it shall be done at all should be achievement enough ;0)  Hmmm, I haven't really talked about it with DB either which I should considering I shan't be 'working' but won't because actually, I am working and if he can afford for me to not have a job I ain't complainin'.  I have realised that I am a stay at home mum who does a PhD on the side, basically.  And I am very happy with this!  I don't see why I should make myself feel guilty.  If DB wants me to get out to work because we need the dosh then of course I shall!  As long as I am actually working and not just picking my nose and watching reruns of corrie I know he will support moi.

And onto my other realisation: that my PhD is for *me*, and not my Sup...  I mentioned this previously and it has really given me food for thought.  I actually feel quite liberated now, rather than lost and abandoned.  Because now I don't feel that I have anyone watching me my creativity can be let loose ;0)  I don't have to follow certain theories because my Sup does, or because he has warned me that my life would be easier if I did!  No, I shall go my own way.  I am empowered and freeeeee to do my PhD as I want hurrah!  And because of this, I feel I have sorted out a nasty blockage in my brain and feel happy that my thesis is mine again.  I think I just lost a lot of confidence after maternity leave and now I am reading the literature I am feeling knowledgable and enthused again, and out of this comes confidence.

All well again.  now, if you will excuse me I must read and then go out for lunch with my boyfriend (soon to be hubby as we have finally put the deposit down on our lovely lovely countryside weddin' venue.  huzzahs).

x J 

A tribulation of sorts

I have spent the morning sorting myself out and think I am back in control again... 

I have realised that I will not get this PhD done for June, or even September.  Not in any way, shape, or form.  I knew this but really didn't want to admit it because my funding runs out in June so I will have to depend on DB and am really quite a financial burden; and my sup leaves in September and I know he is disappointed in me already - that I won't finish by then is really going to p*ss him off.  I hate this and it makes me feel just awful, awful, and quite the failure.  But I cannot do it and so that is that!

Instead I have decided to face this head on, and think about what I *can* do.  This has totally changed my outlook and made me feel much brighter and more in control of myself and my work.  I *can* get this PhD done, it will just take longer.  I have to plan in terms of months not weeks like I used to when I had all the time in the world at my disposal.  I have to work as and when rather than set timelines and hard deadlines - I cannot achieve these because if my baby is sick, or won't sleep of an evening then I can't work and will miss the deadline.  This makes me feel like I am always slipping backwards and obviously is not a positive way to work.  I cannot expect DB to all of a sudden cut his hours - he has to work long hours and is very stressed and my work needs to fit in around him as well as vice versa.  I should take time when he offers it too, and not be a martyr ;0)  I also cannot expect DB to become Bean's primary carer when it is me that Bean needs to go to sleep and to see to him at nighttimes - he is a Mummy's boy what can I say.  What I do know is that he will grow out of it and I have to think that he is in fact sleeping for longer periods in the evening all the time now.

What I can do is get a first draft in by December.  I can spend three months reading for the literature review.  The time spend on this was stressing me as I am in the 'writing up' stage and not the 'reading up' stage!  However, I have realised that once the reading for this is done I really only have writing to do.  This reading will set up the lit review chapter, the discussion chapter and provide depth to the analyses in my empirical chapter(s).  Then I have the methodology, intro and concl and these should be fairly straghtforward and not need reading for.  I need to be thorough and generous with my time for the reading as it always takes me ages and I should learn from this historical knowledge!  Reading takes me YONKS but writing, for me, is pretty easy and I am thankful for that :0) (My sup says he reads quickly but agonises for days over a sentence...  I couldn't stand that!)

That the Dec idea (no using of words like deadline!  Too stressful!) is much later than I ever anticipated is of no consequence until someone tells me it is.  This means do NOT worry on behalf of DB, or on behalf of my Sup - they would rather I finished I am sure than assumed on their behalf that they were angry with me and quit because of stress!  If they are stressy, I will take it as and when it comes and deal with it :0)  I am pretty sure that as long as I am working, DB will be ok - even pleased for me because I know he does get pleasure from my success which is why he is lovely.

It will be OK.

Better now.  YEAH.

x J

Bit better

Am a bit better today.  Not quite as blue.  I really don't know what is up with me, am just so moody and down.

I have to think that this will just be a hard year, and that it would be hard with or without external stresses.  I dunno.  Today I am going to get the intro of this book I am reading finished and this evening I want to finish the conclusion.  Hopefully that is all I will need of this book then I can move on.  The amount of literature I have to read for this lit review is utterly overwhelming.  Never ending.  In my mind it will take months - at this rate especially!  Maybe I have to move my goals for when I expect to submit to December.  The thing is people keep asking me 'when are you going to finish?' and so I say a date and the date keeps moving and I can tell people are losing faith that I will finish and it is disheartening.  I will stop saying dates ;0)

I need to be mentally stronger.  I need to 'dig in' and get on with it. 

I am sorry for being whiny.  I am a bit of a nightmare at the mo but hopefully the cloud will lift soon - it usually does ;0)

Triathlon on Sunday!  And a house viewing on Sat at a house I am really excited about but so is everyone around these parts it seems as there has been a waiting list to view it!  Eek!  It has four bedrooms which would mean DB and I would have our own studies...  This would be amazing for me psychologically - a room that neither he nor Bean have reason to come in and muck up.  All mine.  And on the second floor so I would be away from general house noise and not feel the need to go and interject should Bean sound mardy...  I want it!

It was interesting reading around yesterday about how other Mums cope with young kiddies and doing a PhD.  Generally we all seem to work as and when but never for long periods of time.  Short chunks and not at all full time either, which is reassuring because I feel awful that I don't work full time hours.  Sort of 15-25 hours a week seems average.  I should take heart from this rather than feeling like a loser.  I adore my Sup, he has been amazing to me, but essentially he is a man and a rather old skool one at that and I don't think he understands how to support someone in my situation.  Instead he has cut the ties when in fact I need more supervision than ever!  And he is only losely affiliated with Uni now so I don't feel that anyone is officially looking out for me any more.  I feel adrift and a bit lonely and lost.  And this really isn't helping!  I am a 32 eyar old woman though, and should technically be on the downhill stage on the PhD so should just stop acting like a sulky teenager.

Ok.  Am off to make tea, have a think and then get to work :0)

x J

Am a nightmare. Or in a nightmare...

Or am a nightmare in a nightmare...

I dunno.  I just cannot cannot cannot stay positive about work.  I can't do it.  Am looking into going part time though have no idea if this is possible in the writing up year.  Am completely stuck and pressured and am not really coping very well.  To the point that I am starting to think about going to the docs.  I try and talk to DB and he stays quiet offering nothing.  Then reassures me that it will be ok... or offers to give me a half day on a weekend.  A half day won't touch the sides!  Why am I so stressed?  I mean, I have a roof over my head, I have money, I have a lovely family.  What is wrong?  really?  I should work more and then it will be ok right?  I should work every evening, every nap time, maybe get up at 6am and work in the morning. 

Why can't I do this?  I am lame.  I am fu*king *everything* up.

x J

Good day

Today has been a good day. 

I am hungover though, as we couldn't go out to the gig due to Bean hitting his head at the childminder's so stayed in with him.  He was fine but wouldn't have felt right to go.  We stayed in and sat outside and drank red wine instead.  Didn't get to bed until 1am which was ridiculous!  Am totally and utterly shattered!  managed to get into Uni though and got some books and renewed my library card...  I do still exist!  The whole library has changed since I went last!  been all done up.  how amusing, it really has been a while!

Got back about lunchtime, scoffed a bacon sarnie and have been reading this afternoon.  Am going to get the baby at 4.15...  so looking forward to seeing him!  We have rarely been parted for a whole day.  It has been brilliant having the whold day though, I feel that I have done lots and had enough of work for now.

Ug tired.  Silly me!

x J

Baby home...

Arf the baby has come home this afternoon with a hige huge bump on his head.

He knocked it yesterday (toddler?  Toddle-over more like!!!  fnarrrr) and then again today in the same spot so has the biggest biggest bump on his forehead I have ever seen.  I am not worried about him; he is totally fine and napping at the mo, but have made an appt to see the doc just in case.  The skin is tight around it and I wonder about headaches and if we need to keep an eye on him.  We are meant to be going out tonight and I wouldn't want to leave him if he was poorly.  That would be jolly bad form!

Sooo, I did do some work this morning and did a lot of work while babysitting last night.  I didn't eat the m and ms, but instead scoffed a muffin and packet of hula hoops ;0)  Am going great guns and starting to get some momentum and feel back in the land of thinky people...  I did however have a wee tearful outburst this morning at DB as the house is a stinky state and I just do NOT have time to sort it all on my own.  He has got the message and has soothed me with all sorts of lovely promises.  And then we went out for breakfast to cheer ourselves up, which was just lovely, lovely.  Is so easy eating out without a baby grabbing everything, or getting bored, or chucking food on the floor, or banging the table with his tippy mug, or trying to pull off the tablecloth!  And we could talk!  To each other!  Miracles :0)

I am working now then, as Bean is napping, and will go out tonight, or stay in and read.  I am off to the library tomorrow.  My Uni is sooooo skanky I hate going in.  And it's up a ginormous hill.  Bah.  the books though, what lovely lovely books!  I can't wait to have them and read them and be knowledgeable.  Now I have got into the literature the debates are starting to make themselves known and, rather than showing up my lack of knowledge, is providing a fertile ground for the development of further knowledge. 

Cheers to that.

x J

Oh god... ...and chin up!

Righty.  The past week has been a shocker.  Really bad crisis of confidence.  As in, crying every night bad.

Just no motivation and nooooo confidence.  I also realised that I think my Sup is super disappointed in me and felt that he had washed his hands of me :0(  The lit review seems insanly daunting because I am so behind on the lit.  The language and confident, mature writing of the journal articles I am reading makes me realise how badly I write and how stupid I must seem.  I feel so out of practice at thinking about my own field an MA student would surely run rings around me.  I feel like I know *nothing*.  Oh lordy.  And I feel I don't do anything else properly - exercise?  I went once last week.  RUBBISH.  I need a job too asap as my funding runs out and anyway, I just want a job.  And we need to move house because I can't work in this one.  I have also realised I need to work sooo many more hours. 

This made me stay up all night Saturday worrying about how I am going to do all the housework, all the baby and all my PhD AND my triathlon training.  Where do *I* fit in to this?! 

SOOOOOO I have slowly built myself back up again.  I have decided to work nights - from when the baby sleeps until he wakes so about 2.5/3 hours...  and if i am working well (ie not watching tele or procrastinating) I am allowed to eat chocolate/biscuits/crisps - choose my poison of the evening and munch.  I am basically bribing myself.  The thought of sitting upstairs in the office on my own when I am *shattered* and haven't stopped all day, when I could be downstairs in my dressing gown watching tv in the warm...  UG it is awful.  But with munchies and a cup of strong filter coffee - sounds almost appealing ;0)  I don't care about putting on weight - I exercise like a nut when I do do some (tri swimming and boot camp burn at least 700kcs!) and, really, I think I should just get the job done and worry about weight afterwards - bit like pregnancy ;0)  I read that you can only really concentrate on doing one thing well for any period of time.  So for me it is bringing up Bean and the house and feeding us all.  But I need to do the PhD well too...  And so the weight/exercise issue has to come last in my priorities of things to worry about!  I will work one weekend evening and most other evenings that I don't exercise.  Boot camp and tri swimming evenings are just too much for me!

I have also decided not to cook fancy meals any more, and if we have to eat out of jars and the freezer and get scurvy, then so be it.  I am going to sit back a bit and let DB cook more.  I will generally plan the weeks meals in advance and write the shopping list accordingly - no more spending the day perusing the cupboards and casually and happily coming up with stuff using my imagination...  ,military precision and predictability is the key if I want to avoid spending all my evenings hours cooking and washing up or eating takeaways.  All meals must be easy to do so no lasagnes or fish pies ;0)  But we can have macaroni cheese and salad; sausages and mash, pasta, rice and dahl, stews, stir frys...  bla de bla.

DB is taking on more of a role with the wean in the evenings and will bathe him and humour him until Bean is tired. This is probably when I will do the end-of-day tidying and get dins ready (or hide and drink tea).  He will also help more around the house generally.  I have told him washing etc is on the backburner for me.  (I have also told myself this ;0)  I am such a control freak and perfectionist - I shall have to get used to Letting Things Slide.)  DB is also helping out lots at weekends and has realised that work is NOT his life, but we are :0))) (big chats, all better now hurrah)

Exercise-wise I am doing tri swimming once a  week and would like to do boot camp and another exercise once a week,  This will be *all* and despite being woefully underprepared for the triathlon I will finish it and will be pleased.  I forget that I cannot possibly exercise five nights a week *and* do a PhD in the evenings.  As long as I exercise twice a week really I should be happy - sod feeling guilty.  I also walk bean to the CMs twice a week which is two miles a day so is not too bad.

I have also sorted out the office and moved my desk around and all the hideous junk has been put away/hidden.  My back generally faces the room and, most importantly, I cannot see DBs horrible messy desk.  I cannot work in mess.  I am really very, very, very, very anal about my workspace.  It is where my brain and thoughts are and I hate the thought of other people sitting in that space or walking about in it!  DB was sat at it the other day with his feet up on my desk.  And when he went he left things on it.  I went crazy at him!  It is myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy space!  MINE!!  (Am I too wierd?!)  So my desk is on the far side of the room where no one has any reason to go.  Phew-wee.

And finally, I saw my PhD mate the other day and she reassured me that all peeps writing up, herself included, are regularly in tears and have no confidence either.  This feeling of sorority pleases me.  Other people have jobs and do a PhD *and* have a family.  I need to buck up and get on.  Or at least if I am feeling blue know that it is part of the process and not me being weak/not up to the job.  And if I think my sup has washed his hands of me this matters not - I am not doing this for him I am doing it for me.

And finally, I have stopped feeling so very worried about looking for jobs.  I'll keep an eye on it but won't be worried.  I thought that if I didn't have one for september that I would be unlikely to find one for the rest of the academic year but my friend assures me that is boll*cks.  Hurrah.

Sooooo last night I did work from 9-11.30pm and ate too many peanut m and ms (yay).  Tonight I am babysitting for a friend but will take work with me, this time with normal chocolate m and ms.  Tomorrow we are out seeing a gig (a rare night out for Db and I!).  So my next evening work will probably be at the weekend.  I do have my first all day stint tomorrow though - I am off to the uni library to get some very, very important books that I am relying on to help me get back up to speed and get some self esteem back.

Basically I have to start putting the PhD first.  Housework, exercise, cooking, comes last.  Baby comes joint first (but will come second when DB can look after him lol) ;0)

x J