New Motto

to be scrawled all over my walls...

'DON'T GET IT RIGHT, GET IT WRITTEN'

I have been scouring findaphd.com, a site I used to use a lot but only go on about twice a year if that, and found a thread about someone who had to complete in 3 months.  People said it would be possible and that all reading had to be ruthless and practical, that this was not the time to go on tangents or make new brainwaves, that if you are having a bad brain day, then sit and do refs and formatting instead of writing, and don't worry about getting it right, just get it written!  I am so going to follow that.  I am a total twat because I remember now that I wrote on here a couple of days ago that I really have to avoid being all perfectionist at this stage and just get on, and what have I spent today and last night doing?  Being unable to work due to being all perfectionist.  What happens is I tinker with a paragraph for ages, then it is 'just right' and I get the feeling of it being just right and forget that i then have to go back into just-get-it-down-mode.  And I can't write for worrying it isn't good enough. 

Just write!

I am going to 'just write' now, until 5pm.  Then I shall have to have a bath because my breastfed baby is away for three days and i am in a certain (small, but inisistent) amount of pain.  I also fell over yesterday and am very sore!  What a fool!

Feeling more on top of it now.  Really, much better.  Am seriously going to scrawl my new motto onto a piece of paper and put it right in front of me, on the wall.  And maybe in the bathroom to remind myself every time I go to the loo (to hide).  Am still really glad that I have confessed my situation to my Sup though.  I feel I need to share my burden and that's what they are there for, no?

x J
(still not crying)

Sink or swim?!

Arf.  I just took the plunge and emailed my Sup to say that I think I am f*cked.

He sent me a lovely email wishing me a happy Xmas, no mention of the fact I am meant to be sending him my first draft any day now...  So I emailed back saying thanks and decided it was probably about time I admitted where I am (not) with my work.  I haven't come clean for hmmm...  about a year?!  It's not like I have been lying, more that I have been bigging up what I am doing and not mentioning what I am not doing/have not done.  I said about how I wasn't sleeping for worry but that I am sure this is normal at this stage, but was so concerned with disappointing people if I shoould happen to not manage it on time.  i said about how this past month Bean and I had had norovirus and about my childminder cancelling on me and that although I am working evenings and weekends this is in no way full-time.  I really hope that he emails back saying either yes, two weeks per chapter is fine, you can do it keep going or No, you shan't finish on time, here have an extension/go and see so-and-so, it doesn't matter, just get it done bla bla.  I said that I hadn't wanted to mention anything and had been putting my worries down to being a bad patch but that I thought I should bring it to his attention before it was too late.  It is most definitely getting to a stage where every day i don't produce stirling work is a nightmare, I just have to work really, really, well - but then, like this weekend, I heap so much pressure and expectation on myself I can barely think!  My mind is like butterflies.  And I cry alot ;0)  Does everyone cry a lot at this stage?  I expect to cry a bit, but a lot...  I am feeling that every new bad patch is worse than the one before.  I can't give up, I know this, I think I just need some breathing space.  But I have NO TIME for breathing space.  No time.

I am panicking.  It is because I absolutely have to have this chapter done for tomorrow night but I know this isn't possible.  but I have to.  I have no room in my schedule for missing deadlines, and perversly knowing this makes me unable to concentrate.  I am too busy trying to desperately look for a way out.  I need calm I suppose.  The irritating thing is, and I am glad I have had this time to know this, but I am sure I would work better if bean and Db were here!  How funny and silly.  If they were here I would be cursing their presence I know, but NOW I know that the whole day stretching out with only work to do is actually daunting, and unhelpful at this stage of work.  I need to be able to be distracted, just for five or ten minutes, then to come back to work.  I work best in 4/5 hour hard bursts than 12 hours of unending 'concentration'.  But I didn't know this before!  And they have gone away so I can work and all I can do is stare at it, feel confused and then panicky and then cry and feel like I am letting all these kind people down. 

I wish I could leave :0(  I am a quitter, I know this.  I love quitting stuff that makes me feel bad!  But I know I can't quit this and find that really, really annoying. 

I know I have to stop whining and get on.  And the thing is, I don't whine much in real life - that is what this blig is for though i suppose, it is my headspace.  I am sad for any of you people who have to read my stream of shitty consciousness though ;0)

right,  back to work.  back to not knowing what the heck I am saying, or why, or who even cares, and anyway it isn't going to be finished on time and I will be kicked out so why bother?  and cue more crying ;0)

x J
(am not crying actually.  am fine)

it's ok!

I am so silly and impetuous.  Impetuous should be my middle name.  And I shouldn't talk so much ;0)

But I do feel a bit better already about my boys being gone.  And about working.  I feel really, really lonely BUT is ok.  I am going to have a small glass of wine and look at my chapter while also perusing facebook and other such sillyness so I feel I have company and am not chained to work.  If I feel i am chained I will run away, but if I am flexible about it and just have the chapter open I am much more likely to keep looking at it and do some editing.  And I have to remember that I have waited alllll day doing nothing much for DB to leave - if he had left earlier, around lunchtime say, i woould have got into work so much quicker.  But it is saturday night and *starting* work is always going to be difficult now!  And i am naturally low because my baby boy has been spirited away to the other side of the country for two WHOLE days and nights so am not naturally inclined to feel warm and confident about work.  It's all about context and perspective yes?

It's ok really.  And anyway, when I start having palpitations about work and bad dreams it really is time to sit down and have chats to myself.  And maybe more wine!  Although drinking wine at the same time as chats with myself may mean I am crazy.  Eek.

x J

I just don't know...

what to doooo, with myself...

My boys have left me!  They are en route to Down South for the weekend, back on Monday night.  My house feels gloomier, colder, stiller...  I have never been at home in the evening alone since bean was born!  I have never gone to bed alone!  I have never gone to bed alone and sober for sure and not ever at home.  It will be most strange.  I wonder if I will be able to sleep...

But of course, I do know what to do with myself...  I have to work!

I am so sad at the moment because I miss my darling boy.  I don't know what my plan of action should be.  Chill time is scheduled for 8pm when the X Factor final is on.  I was planning to write up my references in front of it.  But now I am not so sure and wonder if I mightn't just zombie out in front of it and enjoy a moment of quiet instead of stewing in it.  Workwise I am completely aware that I have to work now for a couple of hours.  However, I am also aware that I am shattered today (terrible nights sleep as I was dreading today, bean was up lots and had bad dreams), feeling reet sorry for myself and really down in the dumps.  I don't know whether, in the longer term, it might be an idea to just sit out this couple of hours and draw a line under today and come to it tomorrow fresh and strong and madferit.  I have the whole of tomorrow and all of Monday.  I plan to work from 9.30/10am until 6.30 with a break for a swim with mah mate (and to see a person!)  I need stamina!  I was going mental after just four hours of work yesterday!  I have been scared of work all day today, like an audition or interview or something!  I was scared of it all night!  how silly to be so scared of soemthing I have set up myself.  I work for myself for goodness sake!  At my own pace, in my own environment!  I should take a chill pill and not be so frightened of it.  I am completely terrified of not completing this chapter by Monday night.  But it will be ok.  I will get it done.

I also have to admit, and this is ridiculous, but I feel really blue since I read on facebook that my mate (my MATE) has just completed chapter six of nine...  and I am working on chapter four!  Of nine!  And we are handing in at the same time!  Well, actually, I think she is handing in a month earlier than me but she doesn't have to hand in then, she can get an extension as she wasn't funded.  So I guess in a month's time I will be finishing chapter six of nine.  No, actually, chapter 7.  So, I guess, it is ok.  I think I am saddened because before I had Bean I was always far out in front writing-wise and it just shows how far I have slipped.  But I am also saddened by my reaction because it is clearly jealousy (or, more kindly, envy?) that I am not as far ahead as she is.  I am delighted for her but also miffed with myself that I haven't done more I suppose.  And here I am wanting the night off!  What a contradictory fool!  I think it just knocked me and has made me realise that my peers are so far in front (another is nearly completing) and I am scared I might not catch up!  But I suppose the point is not catching up with them, just meeting my own deadlines.  Why do i have to be so competitive?!  jeez louise.

Anyway, I am off to read my chapter and try and do a bit of work if I can.  (I can't, I am all of a dither).  But I will try at least.  And tomorrow is a new day.  I shall arise, I shall work, work, work all refreshed from having today off and hopefully appreciative of the silence rather than drowing in it.  For want of a bit more of a dramatic turn of phrase ;0)

x J

Heart in Mouth Syndrome

Is it a syndrome?  Am not sure.  BUT anyway, I am finding that at the moment I really am working with my heart in my mouth.

For example. I have a citation in one chapter that, although it is ace where it is, would also be fabulous in another chapter.  I then have to take it from one to the other and make sure I remember to go back and fill the gap I have left.  I then have to be sure that the whole paragraph I am blabbing on about hasn't been said somewhere else.  What if it has?  In fact, maybe it shouldn't be in this chapter at all - or the other, but in my literature review!  And if so, I should write a note about that somewhere so I know, when I come to my lit review, to write about it.  And then I think, but do I know enough about it for it to be in the lit review?  Will I have to do lots more research on it to make it proper, rather than just something I know about, or something I used to know a lot about but it has actually been 4 years since I studied it so obviously I have forgotton...  but I must have the notes somewhere.  Somewhere.  I think I know where.  but it will take me aaaaages to dig them out!  And that is such a waste of time right now.  So I should just leave a note.  And know, in my heart, that i shall have a tonne of work to do in a months time reading up about it.  But I don't have time! 

Oh god, oh god.  I even forgot which chapter I was writing about earlier, and was writing for a different one!  And then I noticed I had drunk all my coffee but cannot remember doing that for the life of me!

Oh god! 

I am losing it.  And I haven't even got to the hard bit yet!  How on EARTH am I going to be able to edit all these chapters and remember what I read and where in order to delete/add bla bla?  I just can't remember!

PANIIIIIC!

Please say this *is* the hard bit...

But at least I have worked lots.  And it really is coming together and sounding good (I think.  Probably not but I can't think about that.)  Honestly, I get all adrenaliney trying to remember everything and type it in quick enough before I forget my other points bla bla. 

I think it is getting time to stop ;0)  but I am definitely getting to the point where I wish I didn't have to sleep or make myself lunch or anything.  I am so happy I *have* to stop to get my Bean and *have* to switch off to make his tea and play with him.  And I do switch off - my brain is such that it is hard to look after him and meet his needs *and* fret about this rather high-level mental juggling ;0) 

Is going to take all my willpower not to drink wine and blurb on at DB tonight.  but I must be with it tomorrow.

And anyway, I am exhausted!  And I feel a bit sick.

x J

Tinker, tinker

This morning has been great! 

I have managed to work out that my original chapter order was fine, and that it is probably not a good idea to meddle with it too much at this stage... BUT that one of my chapters needed to be re-jigged a bit so it fit into the thesis more neatly.  I originally wrote the chapter for a conference paper and you can tell - it sort of sits on its own rather too well!

Which meant I got to take 500 words out of it and put it in the chapter I am currently writing, which is totally cheating but makes me feel very productive!  I have also re-organised the two intros and now need to make sure the main text is true to they and not wandering off like before.  Is more tinkering than anything, but it all brings it together and makes me feel that it is working.  Am only a stone's throw away from not knowing what to do next though and that makes me feel constantly queasy.  Literally.  The stress and pressure is unbelievable.  I am smoking again, funnily enough.  Anything to get me through to be honest.

Last night I wrote up some references in front of the tele (finally, at half eight, the child was asleep) and went to bed at 11, totally exhausted but, as usual, unable to sleep.  I did sleep though and feel better today than I have for a while!  About a week actually. 

AND DB told me yesterday that he is off down south with bean tomorrow for the weekend!  They won't be back until monday night!  So I shall have tomorrow afternoon (i hope but knowing DB's organisational and time-keeping skills probably not) and all of Sunday and all of Monday to work ALLLLLLLL TOOOOOOO MYYYYYSEEEEELF!  Hurrah!  I shall work like a demon.  I am going to type up my references in front of the X Factor final with a bottle of red for company and no child to put to bed!  i shall go to sleep and sleep alllllll night with no child to need reassuring!  I shall wake when I want to with no child saying 'it's 7am mummy, let's get up!'  And I shall work like i used to pre-baby, alllllll dayyyyyy long :0).  I can't wait.  though I shall miss my family, I know it, and the house will be too quiet, but I shall fill it with the sound of mumbling and typing. 

So with this in mind, by Tuesday I shall have this chapter written, most refs typed up (in the eveningtimes) and all four chapters (35,000 words out of total 80,000) sent to my Sup for xmas.  I shall also have made serious inroads into my discussion chapter...  I am VERY scared of my discussion chapter.  It is such an important chapter - can I write it without doing more reading?  What if there is a key text I haven't read (I know there is but I would have to go all the way to uni to get it and is £50 on amazon and I don't have TIME) is it worth trying to blag it and write it anyway, or should I prepare more?  Or is that procrastinating as surely writing *something* is better than nothing because I am planning and preparing *again*...  And I don't have time to plan and read all cosy any more.  And I do have it pretty much planned out and I even think I might have a couple of thousand words of it written already...

See, am hanging on by a thread. 

Anyway, I am hungry and off to make lunch, and a cup of tea, then I shall come back and work on my current chapter, with a view to getting it finished asap.

ASAP is my motto at the mo really.  I have to remember that I have from March to June to tinker and perfect.  For now I just need to get my ideas down so my sup can see them and tell me they are shite.

x J

Quite ok

Today has whizzed by!  And I can still work tomorrow yay!

I printed off me chapters and have read through them and am puzzling over the order I should have them in.  Until I know this I shan't be able to write the rest of my current chapter as I need to know what I can talk about without treading on my (own) toes or being repetitive...  I have tried writing but to no avail.

I feel bizarrely in control.  In fact, I felt so warm and fuzzy in my brain I had a bath!  A bath!  I remember pre-Bean I used to have baths as an alternative place in which to have thinky time but no time these days ;0)  i have been 'on' since sunday, either looking after bean or working and so I think I just needed a bit of chill time.  I never do anything for 'me' these days as if i have time for that it is used working!  Anyway, I feel nice and not as wired and edgy as I have done so that's good.  If I get Bean in bed before 9pm tonight (! I know but his wind-down time is taking forever at the mo) I shall do some work tonight - thinky stuff if my brain has come back, references if not.  I think that the chapter order thing will just come to me when my subconscious has finished dealing with it.  It doesn't feel like something i can badger myself into working out, it will just happen.  I shall try and mull it over when I walk to get my bean.

I am pleased I sat and read all the chapters though and am very,very pleased that they seem to be just fine.  I worked out that they were around 27,000 words worth of work: well over a Master's dissertation, just for three chapters!  I can't wait to have number four done (realistically should get it done on saturday) and then print it out and add it to my pile of PhDness!  It is brilliant seeing the work there.  It puts it all into perspective and makes it easy to refer to.  It is all so abstract just being on the computer but as a pile of chapters it is brill.  All i have to do is keep writing chapters, add them to the pile, write an abstract, print my refs off endnote and then shove in some appendices and the first draft is done!  Woooooo yeah!

I wish I could bottle this simple optimism.

x J