what to doooo, with myself...
My boys have left me! They are en route to Down South for the weekend, back on Monday night. My house feels gloomier, colder, stiller... I have never been at home in the evening alone since bean was born! I have never gone to bed alone! I have never gone to bed alone and sober for sure and not ever at home. It will be most strange. I wonder if I will be able to sleep...
But of course, I do know what to do with myself... I have to work!
I am so sad at the moment because I miss my darling boy. I don't know what my plan of action should be. Chill time is scheduled for 8pm when the X Factor final is on. I was planning to write up my references in front of it. But now I am not so sure and wonder if I mightn't just zombie out in front of it and enjoy a moment of quiet instead of stewing in it. Workwise I am completely aware that I have to work now for a couple of hours. However, I am also aware that I am shattered today (terrible nights sleep as I was dreading today, bean was up lots and had bad dreams), feeling reet sorry for myself and really down in the dumps. I don't know whether, in the longer term, it might be an idea to just sit out this couple of hours and draw a line under today and come to it tomorrow fresh and strong and madferit. I have the whole of tomorrow and all of Monday. I plan to work from 9.30/10am until 6.30 with a break for a swim with mah mate (and to see a person!) I need stamina! I was going mental after just four hours of work yesterday! I have been scared of work all day today, like an audition or interview or something! I was scared of it all night! how silly to be so scared of soemthing I have set up myself. I work for myself for goodness sake! At my own pace, in my own environment! I should take a chill pill and not be so frightened of it. I am completely terrified of not completing this chapter by Monday night. But it will be ok. I will get it done.
I also have to admit, and this is ridiculous, but I feel really blue since I read on facebook that my mate (my MATE) has just completed chapter six of nine... and I am working on chapter four! Of nine! And we are handing in at the same time! Well, actually, I think she is handing in a month earlier than me but she doesn't have to hand in then, she can get an extension as she wasn't funded. So I guess in a month's time I will be finishing chapter six of nine. No, actually, chapter 7. So, I guess, it is ok. I think I am saddened because before I had Bean I was always far out in front writing-wise and it just shows how far I have slipped. But I am also saddened by my reaction because it is clearly jealousy (or, more kindly, envy?) that I am not as far ahead as she is. I am delighted for her but also miffed with myself that I haven't done more I suppose. And here I am wanting the night off! What a contradictory fool! I think it just knocked me and has made me realise that my peers are so far in front (another is nearly completing) and I am scared I might not catch up! But I suppose the point is not catching up with them, just meeting my own deadlines. Why do i have to be so competitive?! jeez louise.
Anyway, I am off to read my chapter and try and do a bit of work if I can. (I can't, I am all of a dither). But I will try at least. And tomorrow is a new day. I shall arise, I shall work, work, work all refreshed from having today off and hopefully appreciative of the silence rather than drowing in it. For want of a bit more of a dramatic turn of phrase ;0)
x J
My boys have left me! They are en route to Down South for the weekend, back on Monday night. My house feels gloomier, colder, stiller... I have never been at home in the evening alone since bean was born! I have never gone to bed alone! I have never gone to bed alone and sober for sure and not ever at home. It will be most strange. I wonder if I will be able to sleep...
But of course, I do know what to do with myself... I have to work!
I am so sad at the moment because I miss my darling boy. I don't know what my plan of action should be. Chill time is scheduled for 8pm when the X Factor final is on. I was planning to write up my references in front of it. But now I am not so sure and wonder if I mightn't just zombie out in front of it and enjoy a moment of quiet instead of stewing in it. Workwise I am completely aware that I have to work now for a couple of hours. However, I am also aware that I am shattered today (terrible nights sleep as I was dreading today, bean was up lots and had bad dreams), feeling reet sorry for myself and really down in the dumps. I don't know whether, in the longer term, it might be an idea to just sit out this couple of hours and draw a line under today and come to it tomorrow fresh and strong and madferit. I have the whole of tomorrow and all of Monday. I plan to work from 9.30/10am until 6.30 with a break for a swim with mah mate (and to see a person!) I need stamina! I was going mental after just four hours of work yesterday! I have been scared of work all day today, like an audition or interview or something! I was scared of it all night! how silly to be so scared of soemthing I have set up myself. I work for myself for goodness sake! At my own pace, in my own environment! I should take a chill pill and not be so frightened of it. I am completely terrified of not completing this chapter by Monday night. But it will be ok. I will get it done.
I also have to admit, and this is ridiculous, but I feel really blue since I read on facebook that my mate (my MATE) has just completed chapter six of nine... and I am working on chapter four! Of nine! And we are handing in at the same time! Well, actually, I think she is handing in a month earlier than me but she doesn't have to hand in then, she can get an extension as she wasn't funded. So I guess in a month's time I will be finishing chapter six of nine. No, actually, chapter 7. So, I guess, it is ok. I think I am saddened because before I had Bean I was always far out in front writing-wise and it just shows how far I have slipped. But I am also saddened by my reaction because it is clearly jealousy (or, more kindly, envy?) that I am not as far ahead as she is. I am delighted for her but also miffed with myself that I haven't done more I suppose. And here I am wanting the night off! What a contradictory fool! I think it just knocked me and has made me realise that my peers are so far in front (another is nearly completing) and I am scared I might not catch up! But I suppose the point is not catching up with them, just meeting my own deadlines. Why do i have to be so competitive?! jeez louise.
Anyway, I am off to read my chapter and try and do a bit of work if I can. (I can't, I am all of a dither). But I will try at least. And tomorrow is a new day. I shall arise, I shall work, work, work all refreshed from having today off and hopefully appreciative of the silence rather than drowing in it. For want of a bit more of a dramatic turn of phrase ;0)
x J
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