The PhD Paradox

Is the fact the I hate my work, I resent having to do it and the stress of it infiltrates every corner of my waking life.

However, when I am doing it, when I have broken into it and have some rhythmn and basic understanding of what the hell it is all about it is incredibly fulfilling, rewarding and, dare I say it, enjoyable.

So why, when I am having to do it, when I am procrastinating, when I am having sleepless nights over the horror of it, can I not just remember that I like it really?  Then I wouldn't be anything like as stressed or worried, and I would surely look forward to sitting at my desk when I have to?!  I am having a grand time at the mo!  I am working, I have a lovely autumnal view of my garden, I have a quiet house and am actually using my brain for something that has nothing to do with anyone but me.  SO why do I hate it so much?! 

Bah, contrary mary.

x J

No more faff!

Today I am AT WORK.

I am working, working, working.  Am going to be a perfect student. 

I have been hating my work so much but am sure this is largely because of a) life events bla bla and b) having been away too long.  I was thinking about what in particular was making it so horrible and really it was all about being so very bored and it being so very boring.  That, my dear, is NOT a good enough reason to not work! 

So, boring or not, here I go.  Hours and hours ahead of me to succeed and be brilliant.

laters!

x J

ps.  the baby slept for 7.5 hours straight last night.  Can you tell?!  hehe.

Feel rubbish but...

am at work proper today.  Am upstairs at my desk and trying to get organised.  Am eating healthily and trying to balance myself to get better.  Had a whine at DB last night and he was most supportive so feel much better.

Just need to start sleeping again, am shattered!

Today I aim to do two hours of work, no more no less.  Building up slowly but surely :0)  I have a healthy lunch awaiting me and may take a nap this afternoon!  thinking about joining a gym, think that would help.  Running seems too daunting and swimming takes up so much time getting there etc it is only feasible on a weekend - which I already do.

Ok then, better get on!

x J

Don't ask

Arf.  I am mardy.  Too mardy to sleep, to mardy to socialise, too mardy to work.  It's all I can do to hide it from Bean.

Today I am thinking about working but really, really want to just hide under some covers and stare at the tv.  I would take a sicky if this was a normal job.  Thing is, what if I stay mardy for weeks?  I can't take every day off and last week was pretty unproductive.  It's getting to crunch time - not a time to be wagging off feeling sorry for myself!

I am so mardy I can't even tell anyone.  Am a completely depressing, grumpy, knackered idiot. 

I think I shall take a look at my work and see if there is anything i can concentrate on.  I really think I should try and give myself permission to take the day off and lounge about and wallow a bit, with a view to getting better later and hopefully waking up tomorrow feeling spritely and with my coping mechanisms nicely back in place. 

I know I should go swimming or something, get some happy hormones kicking in.  But I am so fatigued even walkinig makes me ache.  I am such a feeb!  Oh what to do. 

I shall try and work and then hide and try and recuperate enough to be cheery for Bean when I need to get him later.  The guilt that we are paying for his childcare, to be loved by someone else while I sit at home wallowing in nonsense doesn't really help though.

Hey ho, peaks and troughs.  It's only work.

x J

Okay but...

Right ok, so yesterday I crowed about my working brilliance, nipped off to make lunch and didn't really make it back again. 

Disappeared into a procrastination-induced black hole I did.  Today I have been actively avoiding my work by being at a friend's house drinking tea.  In my defence I am absolutely fine as goes meeting deadline targets so just taking advantage of being hugely well organised (erm...  or deluded) and have had a really crrap week so am nurturing myself yes?!  Anyway, now I am going to eat some lunch and then work!  I will work for a good couple of hours plugging away at this here empirical chapter.  It is all going just fine, no surprises or confusions at the mo, is just like any old essay that has been researched and planned and is ready to write.

For now anyway...

x J

I'm working!

I am working hurrah! 

I was procrastinating terribly, mucking about on t'internet and texting people who are too busy to reply and making cups of hot drinks I didn't actually want ;0)  Then I had a talk with myself and realised that it wasn't the work I didn't want to do, it was having to go upstairs to my quiet, lonely office and sit and type.  Too intense...  so I made a deal with myself and am now happily working away in front of the tele.  Well, sideways on to the tele.  And am completely ignoring it and typing away.  I have made a big mess of the sitting room with all my paper which isn't ideal as I will have to pack it all up later which may be irritating.  But, wonderfully, we had the biggest, softest settee delivered last Monday (a proper grown-up one!  not second hand or a hand-me-down but a proper big family settee!  Ooooh get me) and me, my laptop and all my notes fit on it superbly *and* I still have room to have a wee lie down and a ponder when necessary.

Huzzahs!

Am hungry so am off to make my leek and potato soup - with the milk I poached some smoked haddock in last night so it'll be kinda like a chowder.  Tasty!  I shall make, eat, then resume my work.  I am babysitting a friend's toddler tonight but first have to give him *and* Bean their tea.  Together.  At the same time.  I will be horribly outnumbered.  Eek!

x J

it's ok

Ah ha.

I am not depressed - PHEW!  I realised yesterday evening that actually I have been really struggling with the fact that my Mum has cut me off since we told her that we wanted a small wedding and that she wasn't going to be able to come.  I know that is harsh and any mum would be sad about it, but she hasn't talked to me since except to tell me not to contact her again.  Well, she called to apologise but just argued instead.  I tried to make it up somehow but she isn't interested and this has been getting me down - but because I am busy and confused about it all I didn't realise.  Now i do and can just get on with it.  It's a long story but anyway, that is that!  I will not let it get me down any more.

Workwise I am ready to do some writing!  Hurrah!  Or not, as I am scared of having to write after all this time!  I need to re-write my first empirical chapter and set up the second properly.  This is scary and will take lots of concentration and in all honesty I can't be bothered ;0)  I must do it though!  UG working in concentrated silence seems so horrible.  Pleeeeease can I work in front of the tele?!  Please?!  No?  Oh boo.

Anywho, better get on with it.  Arf.  Don't wanna.

x J