Brain ache

Oof my brain actually hurts.  I can't really think any more but I have to!

I have been working as much as I can - yesterday I picked bean up and did reading while he watched tele (he wasn't impressed and actually nor was I but it had to be done!) and when he went to bed I worked in front of the tv.  was ok work, just reading my fieldwork diaries and interviews and noting all the themes - trying desperately to find something original...  Which is why I have brainache.

Today I have been reading al the clippings I got from indian newspapers while I was away, sorting my notes, reading interviews and am now trying to work out my unique focus.  On such a heavily documented and evaluated aid-effort it is pretty hard to find anything new, a lot of my fieldwork just re-iterates what has already been said :0(  Saying that though I think I might have found a focus but am not sure.  I will have to think about it and try and see if I can plan a chapter out of it...  this is what I shall do this afternoon.  Hopefully I shan't zip off an hour early to pick bean up like i did yesterday!  I turned up at the childminders to pick him up and it was only when she said she was off to get her kiddies from school that I twigged I might be an hour early!  i was so embarrassed!  I picked him up at 3 instead of 4, what a twonk.  Obviously working is taking up too much brain space and normal daily life is been severely compromised.  Today I feel more on the ball but got home from picking him up to realise that I had been walking around with only one earring in.  oh dear.

Better get on with the work then.  Am really very tired.  Working is keeping my brain super active and I can't sleep, then as I relax bean wakes bla bla bla.

x J

crikey

I am on a short fuse today!  just totally freaked myself by shouting at the lady on the phone from Next.  Although it was my fourth phone call to them this morning just tying to get the free returns they promised me with this stupid online account they set up for me.  I have to shut that account as soon as my returns are sent.

Anyway.  Apart from that I have been working hard today.  I have been re reading my fieldwork journals and trying to create a unique perspective on my 'data' so I can present something that was worth going all the way to india for.  it is hard!  I suppose i don't realise any more what it was I didn't know when i went out, it all seems very obvious to me now.  Oh dear.

And I worked last night and I expect I shall work tonight.

Anyway I am still snarky, am off for a cuppa tea and to do some more work - today is flying by!

x J

Working working

Arg it is raining so hard here today!

is quite nice though because I have pushed the coffee table in the sitting room against the big window facing my front garden and can watch the rain and wind and be all cosy ;0)  Not in the mood for shutting myself away in my room today - it's too messy!  And I need to think, minus laptop (I turned it on reluctantly to remind myself of my research question) so this is dandy.

Wedding plans are coming apace!  We sorted out our rings on Saturday, am so excited.  they are being handmade so we have to wait a few days for the designs.  And I am waiting in this morning for a dress I have ordered that is just so lovely and I hope it looks good on.  It isn't white but is very very lovely.  Heard from my Ma and sis over the weekend and they wish me a nice day but have decided I shouldn't contact them again.  Massive overreaction, my mum is clearly throwing her toys out of the pram because she is missing her society wedding, and my sis is a mini-ma so dutifully following suit, sending me strange uber-formal texts.  I wish she could just chill and be my sister instead of this pompous old get, but hey ho, she's old enough now for me to have to just deal with it rather than try and sway her in any way.  I knew my mum would be sad and disappointed, even a bit hurt that we hare having a private ceremony.  But she won't even let me explain, preferring to put the phone down on me which I think is mighty unfair.  I have explained anyway but she won't listen, and that is absolutely her choice and right.  If she wants to not see us again then I guess I just have to deal with it.  I am mostly angry and irritated but it isn't changing my mind in any way - we have a soemtimse frought relationship anyway and if it means I can have a bit of time away from the stresses and childishness that is my family (too many bored people whispering poison in each others ears to shit-stir for fun) this is no bad thing.  I think I am mostly cross that she would rather split the family up than hide her bad feeling, wish me well and let other family members make their own mind up.  Instead she is stirring it up and seems to think that punishing me by kicking me, Bean and future grandchildren out of her life is a move forward which is so bizarre and self-centered when we are, we must remember, talking about *my* wedding day, not hers.  And I can only sit and watch the car crash unfold.  Oh well, if that's how it is, that's how it is.  I am fine about it, but really, it is pathetic.  RANT OVER!  Sorry to let rip, but I can't talk to anyone about it - my mate is on holiday and DB is so angry with my mum that if I start whining he goes off on one which is just as pointless.

And work is going well!  Slow which is really stressful because it is now september and I have so much to do.  but I have worked in the evenings and when Bean was napping and have planned out the discussion chapter by accident.  I am trying to fit the empirical chapter into two chapters which is why I need the research question.  Today I hope to plan this new chapter and start editing my old chapter.  It needs to be argument driven, which I have planned out now, instead of subject driven and needs tightening up.

So much to do but I am moving forward!

x J

punishment

So, for a punishment and to appease my guilty conscience I made myself sit with my work out last night (didn't do much but the fact it was there ruined my evening) and am now working on it while bean naps.  No down time for me!

That's all really.  I have to get a lot done before we go away in three weeks so I can relax.  Am working out how my empirical chapter actually fits into two chapters and think I have got it - I need one chapter on what other people have said, and one about what the actual aid-recipients said.  In fact I have realised that a years old version of a chapter may fit the bill but sadly I can't find it.  I expect I overwrote it.  I am sure it is on a disc somewhere but were that is I know now.  Anyway, thinking about it I reckon it was actually split into two chapters in the end. 

Now I am going to think about whether I really want to split it up, and if so plan a bit more copy and pasting over the weekend ;0)

It's crazy but in town the weather was so blazing hot I felt sick and thought I would definitely be getting the paddling pool out this afternoon, but 3 miles away at home it is gloomy and very windy!  chuh.

bean will wake soon and make me stop which is a pain but hey.  And then later I look forward to a BIG glass of wine and some pizza.  hurray!

x J

Great work!

I am working!  I am doing good work!

I am editing my (10,000 words long) empirical chapter and already can see so many errors.  The intro is all wrong and failed to explain the argument of the chapter from the off.  It also fails to explain how the chapter links to the the preceding or following chapters, and to the thesis as a whole.  These are fundamental!  It is also evidence-led, rather than argument led.  So I need to go through and completely change the structure so it is following my argument - what I have interpreted from the information - rather than simply being descriptive (so and so said this, which shows this...)  I have yet to sort out what my argument is, and am worried that this may take some time.

This should provide a much more grown up copy.  I think, as well, I may be close to working out why it needs to be two chapters.  This would be, like, awesome.

Phew-wee!

x J

procrastination queen

Ok I have to come clean.

Today so far I have had my work within arms reach, with a pen all ready to edit.  Instead I have actually:

Bought a dress for my wedding after much perusing and second checking.

Bought some bikini bottoms

Signed up to lovefilm and added titles to my rental account

Smoked two cigarettes with two hot drinks (not in a row!).

Read the paper online

Checked all my emails numerous times

Checked and commented on facebook.

Took a quizz at a piccie of an old schoolmate on facebook.

Checked my phone for messages.

Blogged

Started work in front of the tv but decided I was too hungry to concentrate.

Made a lovely salad.

Hung up washing.

Ate salad in front of tv.

Got out work and *started it*, realised I actually needed to edit pretty heavily so should get back on the computer.

Decided to finish watching programme first.

Went to kitchen to get things and decided that I really could do with making some cookies.

Hunted round for ingredients, realised I didn't have enough sugar and berated self for terrible time wasting.

Turned on computer, checked emails, facebook, newspaper.

Blogged.

Am now thinking about a cup of coffee to help ease me into work.

In fact, I will get said coffee and then come up and WORK.  I am so ashamed.  Sooooo ashamed!  We pay tens of pounds a week so bean can be in childcare so I can work.  Bean was a bit off this morning, I think because he has had enough of childcare and wanted to be at home - not awfully, but a bit and that is enough to set me off.

But at least we are signed up to lovefilm!

x J

ok ok

Today I am getting back on track.  It is a beautiful day and I have quite a spring in my step.  Despite the fact it is SEPTEMBER.  WTF?!

We booked our honeymoon last night :0)  Our first family holiday, and the first ever beach holiday for DB and me!  normally we do something worthy like volunteering in guatemala because vulture tourism makes us feel ill and I work in development so it makes sense.  And we love learning languages (how naff does that sound.  But it's true!)  However, bean will not take kindly to that, nor to the usual bouts of montezumas revenge/delhi belly that we pick up!  So we are off to greece to chill by a beach having paid a ridiculous sum of money to a tour operator.  However, we are within walking distance of the town and ferries to other islands so hope to get some culture too!  I have never been to greece and am mighty looking forward to it.  three weeks to go!  We leave in the afternoon after our chamnpagne lunch which comes after our wedding!

Today I am going to buy a wedding dress (not actually a wedding dress, but a dress for mah weddin') I have seen on tinternet, and then I am going to shut down the distraction that is my laptop and go and sit in the sun and read my chapter then work out where the heck I am going with it.

x J