Blue

Oh dear. I just read through the chapter and it is so awful. The lines between arguments are blurred and points aren't made cleanly and rigorously. It would be about 62% if it were an essay. Schizer.

There are positive points to this: a) at least I know so can go in tomorrow and explain what I intend to do about it; b) at least I know it is awful now so failing tomorrow won't be a surprise and c) I will get some good advice on how to sort it out.

Something that deeply concerns me is that I know it is bad, as I am reading it I cringe. But I cannot really work out how to improve it as such. I think I literally need to be totally anal about every single paragraph and tighten it up like crazy. I am a terrible writer, I write awfully clunky sentences and have poor style. I am overly upset as well because every meet I have had until this point I have fretted about and has gone swimmingly. Lots of praise and support. And each time I go in I am nervous about them finding out how incapable I really am and telling me to quit. And tomorrow is going to be this time. And please don't patronise me and say 'Oh but you always think this'. Truly, the chapter is shi*t. I am so embarrassed and disappointed in myself! And I am funded! I am too blinkin' funded to be this bad!

Well. I have learnt not to be cocky and to think it will just be ok because it has been in the past. I have learnt that writing just isn't my bag. I will learn tomorrow to take criticism for what it is - helpful and needed. Maybe I should ask for more help and closer supervision. I have never done such a big piece of work and thought I could just do it all on my own. I can't.

Roll on tomorrow...

x J.

Ps: Never heard from Sup. I assume he read it and thought he can't be bothered to waste his bank holiday with such drivel. Fair e-blimmin'-nuff I say. Though a bit of warning would be nice. Although maybe not; for my MA dissertation, many moons ago, he wrote - two days before the deadline I may add - that my writing was 'grotesque'. Although really he is just super. And I really appreciate honesty. And I still got a distinction. Arf, those were the days my friend. Off for a ciggie I think. I don't smoke but am blue and give in to temptation sometimes...