It is midnight. I am working.
I was lying in bed at nearly 11pm and unable to sleep for being gloomy (I know, still!) about having to work so much, about being lonely now after five years of working alone in my various studies, about how I crave a job and company and banter, about how I have to work tomorrow, a sunday, instead of taking my son out for fun times... and then I thought Oh! I should work now instead! And so here I am!
And it isn't bad :) the house is all quiet. My mind is quiet. If I get an extra half hour tomorrow with my family it will be worth the tiredness; if I get to play with my son tomorrow instead of fretting about work it will be worth the tiredness; if I complete the PhD it will be worth it. I would never look back. In october I will finish this PhD, and we will move down south to start a whole new, far more sociable phase in our lives. I have so much to look forward to - but to get there I have to earn it, and anyway sitting around moping isn't going to make time go any faster :)
So I am NOT MOPING any more! I am cheery and positive! well, I am not - but only in a way that this stage of the PhD makes you a bit mad and worried and sick to death of it all!
I must just plod on.
I think if I just try and work at night as much as I can so my days are relatively free of the PhD and accompanying stress this will be good. And if I can't sleep for worrying then why not work?! If I am knackered, I will sleep! But I must try to go to bed at 1am really, for Bean will be up at any time around 6am. I wouldn't mind being so tired though if it felt productive, you know?! Rather than just because I was feeling low?
I feel good; I feel in control.
I'm gonna get this goddamn PhD if it kills me! and then I shall never, ever think about it again! (ignore the viva issue)
x J
I was lying in bed at nearly 11pm and unable to sleep for being gloomy (I know, still!) about having to work so much, about being lonely now after five years of working alone in my various studies, about how I crave a job and company and banter, about how I have to work tomorrow, a sunday, instead of taking my son out for fun times... and then I thought Oh! I should work now instead! And so here I am!
And it isn't bad :) the house is all quiet. My mind is quiet. If I get an extra half hour tomorrow with my family it will be worth the tiredness; if I get to play with my son tomorrow instead of fretting about work it will be worth the tiredness; if I complete the PhD it will be worth it. I would never look back. In october I will finish this PhD, and we will move down south to start a whole new, far more sociable phase in our lives. I have so much to look forward to - but to get there I have to earn it, and anyway sitting around moping isn't going to make time go any faster :)
So I am NOT MOPING any more! I am cheery and positive! well, I am not - but only in a way that this stage of the PhD makes you a bit mad and worried and sick to death of it all!
I must just plod on.
I think if I just try and work at night as much as I can so my days are relatively free of the PhD and accompanying stress this will be good. And if I can't sleep for worrying then why not work?! If I am knackered, I will sleep! But I must try to go to bed at 1am really, for Bean will be up at any time around 6am. I wouldn't mind being so tired though if it felt productive, you know?! Rather than just because I was feeling low?
I feel good; I feel in control.
I'm gonna get this goddamn PhD if it kills me! and then I shall never, ever think about it again! (ignore the viva issue)
x J
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