Nope! Not working!
But I am fine and dandy :) I am FINE. I am well, and happy and back on track :)
Work (uni) saying I could just leave it for months if I want has made me sooooo much better. I was stressed before about having to wangle more time off from the dr (seeing her today) etc, and I don't like asking for time off, or having sicknotes and being defined as 'ill' when I am trying to get better. For the last two weeks it has been really helpful to be recognised as an ill person, who needs to get better, even if it is that I am ill because I am sad and stressed.
It meant I could forget about work and sit back and ask myself how I can change things/address things/hide from things to get better. I started just doing anything when I felt the gloom coming on, just getting up and moving something so thr thought wouldn't stick. I then made myself go out, just with DB and Bean for a meal or something, so I could cope in public without feeling under attack (the anxiety). I di breathing exercises for when started to have panicky feelings (still doing this) and this worked and made myself see my friends and be in public. I realised that if I felt stressed in this situation or sad I had to 'shrug' the feeling off, I visualised it as a gruff monster that would keep jumping on my back and trying to claim me, and would shrug it off and tell it to fuck off. This really worked. I realised as well that as well as depression, the 'monster' was also guilt. I felt really guilty for moving on and leaving the mc behind, like i should stay in a fug of grief or that would be dissing the baby I lost. And this helped me move on too.
And now I am in a situation where I can think about lots of things at the same time, I can plan a whole day of things to do and plan and cook a meal... and think about work :)
I am not going to work today, I am planning to exercise (might not) and go to the drs and jump in with jazz hands and say hurrah! I am healed! And get closure from her agreeing. I have signed up for counselling to address all the other shit in my life that keeps popping up in depressive episodes as i just want to be well, for all time.
I am going to go abck to work on Tuesday. I am very, very scared and dreading it but this is more to do with the work than anything else - I have a lot to do and also I have forgotton what the hell all my notes say. So that is a lot of reading to catch up on.
Anyway, big essay but, yes, after a shit few months (second hardest time of my life tbh) I think I can bite the bullet and take the heat of the PhD. Sick of everyone finishing around me, I want to be rid of the fucker too :)
I think I should plan to do something like 15 mins a day or 500 words a day or something. plan a goal but an achievable one NOT 'come abck and write loads'. Hmm I shall ponder but that thought is pleasing... seeing as I have until sept now I can take it a bit easier (hence coming back 'early' and not waiting until sept)
x J
But I am fine and dandy :) I am FINE. I am well, and happy and back on track :)
Work (uni) saying I could just leave it for months if I want has made me sooooo much better. I was stressed before about having to wangle more time off from the dr (seeing her today) etc, and I don't like asking for time off, or having sicknotes and being defined as 'ill' when I am trying to get better. For the last two weeks it has been really helpful to be recognised as an ill person, who needs to get better, even if it is that I am ill because I am sad and stressed.
It meant I could forget about work and sit back and ask myself how I can change things/address things/hide from things to get better. I started just doing anything when I felt the gloom coming on, just getting up and moving something so thr thought wouldn't stick. I then made myself go out, just with DB and Bean for a meal or something, so I could cope in public without feeling under attack (the anxiety). I di breathing exercises for when started to have panicky feelings (still doing this) and this worked and made myself see my friends and be in public. I realised that if I felt stressed in this situation or sad I had to 'shrug' the feeling off, I visualised it as a gruff monster that would keep jumping on my back and trying to claim me, and would shrug it off and tell it to fuck off. This really worked. I realised as well that as well as depression, the 'monster' was also guilt. I felt really guilty for moving on and leaving the mc behind, like i should stay in a fug of grief or that would be dissing the baby I lost. And this helped me move on too.
And now I am in a situation where I can think about lots of things at the same time, I can plan a whole day of things to do and plan and cook a meal... and think about work :)
I am not going to work today, I am planning to exercise (might not) and go to the drs and jump in with jazz hands and say hurrah! I am healed! And get closure from her agreeing. I have signed up for counselling to address all the other shit in my life that keeps popping up in depressive episodes as i just want to be well, for all time.
I am going to go abck to work on Tuesday. I am very, very scared and dreading it but this is more to do with the work than anything else - I have a lot to do and also I have forgotton what the hell all my notes say. So that is a lot of reading to catch up on.
Anyway, big essay but, yes, after a shit few months (second hardest time of my life tbh) I think I can bite the bullet and take the heat of the PhD. Sick of everyone finishing around me, I want to be rid of the fucker too :)
I think I should plan to do something like 15 mins a day or 500 words a day or something. plan a goal but an achievable one NOT 'come abck and write loads'. Hmm I shall ponder but that thought is pleasing... seeing as I have until sept now I can take it a bit easier (hence coming back 'early' and not waiting until sept)
x J
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