Tired and Annoyed

Bah. I am so tired, my baby is super demanding at night time at the mo (am praying it's a phase and I won't need to get all sleep-trainer-y on his arse) and my back hurts from my stupid make-shift work desk.

I am annoyed because I am not working well at the mo, just skiving and bumbling about. I can't get any momentum again - my baby wants me to be in his eyeline all the time or he cries and his Dad doesn't seem to be able to chill him out :0( I cannot work when my baby is crying downstairs, it is just impossible. And again another day has gone by and I have done very little. DB and I are arguing again, excellent. Am a bit miserable really. Can you tell?!

I want to have this chapter done by Friday. Friday! I feel some night shifts coming on. (Baby willing. I always forget! harrumph I am tired, my brain is like a sieve - as DB notics constantly when I forget to do things or do things wrong/badly. Again.)

I have to sort out my workspace, working as I am I can feel that the middle of my back is kind of holding the rest of me up, as I lean over to work. It hurts and is most unnatural. DB says it makes him wince to see me hunched over. But I love this workspace! It is my stupid chair. It is stupid ;0)

Tomorrow is another day. Another day for work. NO! No work tomorrow, I don't work tuesdays. ARG. At least DB will be out so we don't argue.

Am off downstairs to er, probably argue.

x J

Mumsnet

Is my new distraction. I know, I know but I like it, it's funny ;0) It was once facebook... then the Guardian... then both... then pregnancy websites... then all three... now it is facebook, Guardian, hotmail and mumsnet. Bad rabbit.

Today I did a lot and achieved nothing! I spent hours on 200 words in my introduction, fussing away, deleting, copying, pasting... frowing away like the busy fool that I am. Then realised I had those words already written and so they were pointless. I put them in another chapter that has yet to be written (though I did think it had been written. Jeysus but it hasn't)...

SO that has been my day. I worked yesterday morning and last night, though didn't get a whole lot done. Am a bit distracted at the mo though can't say why. Just being slack.

I have until the end of next week to get the first draft of this sent off to my Sup. Why am I wasting so much time? Although today wasn't my fault, I was just being thick and really, it is quite typical to do such things. I can't always be on the ball... can I?

Am working tomorrow morning. I like that, means I shall have some flow from today. Stop/starting each day with long periods of time between each working session really hampers flow and, consequently, motivation. Each time I sit down I need to start anew and it bugs.

x J

This week

Has mostly been ok. Apart from the fact that last Sunday my baby had norovirus and so spent all day throwing up on me - he was fine though between bouts of pukiness, though i was flummoxed having never looked after another person who can't get to the loo to throw up before. I didn't know if I should hang him over the loo, keep him where he was, get a cloth...

And THEN I gave me and DB food poisoning. What a fool. We spent Tuesday sick as dogs and today is the first day I have felt a-ok. Looking after the wean and being so sick was just hideous and pressed home the imprtance of having family to be able to take him in such a circumstance. Though to be fair it shouldn't really happen today, especially now I have stopped cooking ;0)

Workwise all is going well. Am working this morning voluntarily, mostly to browse the internet and have some time away from the bubba as am on duty on my lonesome this afternoonand am tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired and feeling selfish. DB can look after him cause he is at the gym this avo (oh to bumble around a gym, then to sup a latte and read the paper lazily in the cafe on my todd afterwards because no-one would know... OMG, in fact, don't even go to the gym just go straight to the cafe and watch the tv and eat chips and read the paper! Hehe!). I am christmas shopping browsing and doing my chapter. Am 8,000 words into it now and is pretty easy really though slow going. I didn't plan really before how it was going to be so am having to constantly restructure it, but this is ok. I think this will be a 10,000 word chapter, easily. Am not going to let it be bigger than that though unless really I have no choice. I have to find out if the total amount of words at the end (100,000) includes the appendices, footnotes and references because if they do then each chapter needs to be 8,000 really. Makes quite a difference!

Ja, so will get on with it!

x J

What's the likelihood?

Jeeez Louise.

I just had an email from my Sup saying that the Vice Chancellor at my Uni is interested in being my internal examiner! :0) He is a lecturer from my Uni where I did my MA so I actually had him for a module then - he is *lovely*! Really friendly, super intelligent and not at all competitive/showy-offy as so many academics are. Very inspiring guy. How lucky am I?

So I could have the VC as an internal, and a *hugely* influential, rather famous chappie as my external. I am supervised by an emeritus professor who edits an internationally renowned journal and is friends with the who's who of international politics (hence my possible examiners). I have won funding go to one of the top ten Unis in the country for my field and am completing what so far has been seen to be a solid piece of research. My CV is *hot*!!

BUT BUT BUUUUUUTTTTTTTT I really don't want to be an academic! :0( I really don't. I think it looks awful. I do want to write this up as a book that no one will want to publish and maybe a different work avenue will come from publishing in journals. I have looked and looked at being an academic, willing myself to want to do it but I just think it is soooo dry. I would have to go to conferences and present often, all over the world. Hell. It is majorly majorly competitive - I would really have to want it. I would have to be willing to work anywhere in the world (it is international politics after all ;0)). I would have to write and write and write forever. I would have to do more research (I don't really like the research bit, just the thinking). I would like to teach and mentor peeps tho.

ARG what an arse I am! What a CV! What a lack of desire! I just hope hope hope that I do get a job that justifies all the opportunities that have been afforded to me during this PhD. I p*ss myself off, I really do. Why do I want to make my life hard?! Why can't I just be an academic? I wonder why I am doing this PhD, and very selfishly it is just simply because I enjoy it. Would I still be doing it if I wasn't funded? No - but that would be a financial decision rather than whether I enjoy it or not. I love it! I can sit all day and think about my research and pootle along writing it up and find it really, really interesting. And I am not beholden to anyone to do it.

I wonder if this is one of those things that is probably best left to fate... I'll probably have a great job in a couple of years that ticks all the boxes and uses my CV brilliantly, where i write, and help people as best I can and think I should just not have worried so much - and not felt so guilty...

x J

Working working - for the moment...

I start to work - as in *work* not faff about on the internet and it is great. Then I take a break and it takes me aaaaages to get back into it!

Arses!

Am knackered today. I have yet to make it to work before 9am this week, am just so tired! Bean was up at 1am until 3.30am for some reason, totally hyper and bouncing all over the shop. And you can't take him downstairs because you can't get him thinking it is cool to be up, so you sit in the dark in bed constantly battling to get him to lie down and chill and not be scampering about. Arg! DB is looking after him this morning and is like a sleeping tiger. If I don't really talk to him or ask questions he is fine and will make me a cup of coffee and be generally nice. But should I talk or demand anything he is very, very ratty. So I have slunk away and will try not to take it personally and just reiterate that he is *tired*. Is ok for me, I have has a shower, am sitting on my ownsome with the radio and my laptop and no baby narking at me for this and that (Bean is being really bizarrely demanding at the mo, very impatient and squealy - is most odd and quite hard work to be patient, smiley uber-parent). Is very pleasant.

Today I am continuing to type up quotes and e.g.s into my empirical chapter. My fieldwork has worked sooo well - I am so insanely pleased. I wish I knew it would all be ok while I was in India and relaxed and enjoyed it a bit more. I have incredibly fond memories of India now, now I am stuck at home and can't even pop to the pub let alone jetset off to somewhere like India :0) I want to print off loads of pics and make a big ol' India wall actually. Think I will, that will help me procrastinate some...

Nooooo. I have until Friday to finish filling in the quotes etc for this chapter, then I need tos tart jigging it all around so it makes sense and bringing in other authors to help give it depth and credence.

More immediately, I finish at 12.45 today because it is Bean's swimming lesson today and we are always in a rush. Then I want to go for a jog about 5ish (can't see how, am so so tired my body weighs a million tonnes) and then, then I am going to have at least two large glasses of wine with DB and relax. Though ebing tired as we are we will probably just have a glass and then start falling asleep/bickering ;0)

x J

It's going well :0)

Work is going well! Hurrah!

I didn't work on Saturday which was lovely and think I will keep that up. Managed to get out for a swim on Saturday too which was great - I haven't exercised for aaaaaages so felt brill for getting out and about, but also was just lovely to leave the house on mah todd to do something for a wee while just for me.

I did work yesterday and am working agian this morning. This morning was a bit weird as Bean woke up at 5am, I kept him in bed until 6ish when I gave up and went downstairs with him, then at 8 he wanted to go back to bed for a nap which was ace, but I slept in till 10am missing an hour of work :0( Was worth it though in the sense that I am actually refreshed and able to work - otherwise I would be so shattered.

My baby is being super clingy today. I think I might pop him in my mei tai sling later on my back so he can be with me while I am cooking. Otherwise he follows me from the fridge to the oven to the table and I feel like I am always running away from him! And he clambers up my legs so am forever unpeeling him, bless him!

Am not working tomorrow, it's DBs day at the office. Back on Weds morning though. Mornings are the best for me I am working out, I do actually get on with it.

x J

Just checking in

Worked yesterday afternoon and am working again this morning until one.

Just getting together all my analyses and writing them up into my chapter. It never occured to me how much using my own research info would be like using references to and quotes from books. I have planned it all, am writing up the main themes and what people said and next to that each village ref so I can pad it out with more detail and proper quotes. And it really is coming together like a proper thing! It looks like I really found some information out! Hehe, how funny. And in this I also want to keep bringing in book references and social theory. One thing my Sup said that suprised me was that I do have to infer sometimes from the information. I can say 'One could argue that this shows...' which I didn't know, I thought I had to stick to what was obvious but there are definitely a couple of inferences I would like to make. Am most pleased. This is going to be a big chapter, I haven't even started to contextualise the info with general knowledge I have from being in India and just talking to locals.

Is fab and actually really easy. Am definitely going full speed on this one at the mo, just writing it all up. Just got to get on and not procrastinate... I have till the end of next week to write this all up, then I am starting to bring the chapter together by joining up the primary research with the documentary evidence that backs it up and creates a certain 'voice' or narrative that is the chapter.

When I have finished this chapter I will have done half of the writing up! Then I will start bringing together the thesis as a whole, rather than working in segregated chapters. Ooooh!

It shall be mine yet...

x J

Writing Up - Advice

From my kind supervisor for me to remember when trying to write:

*Always signpost for the reader, don't leave them guessing where you are going. The introduction is very, very inmportant. Have an introduction for each chapter, tell the reader what happened in the chapter before, what will happen in this chapter and at the end, summarise and say how it links to the next chapter.

*The thesis should always be driven by your thesis. Don't write anything unnecessary. Each chapter is a process of unpacking, disaggregating and deconstructing whaty is going on you are not simply engaged in narrative. Be explicit and clear to the reader so what you hear in your head is down on the paper - don't assume they know what you know!

*Imagine your thesis is a skeleton/thread throughout the PhD to guide the reader. Hangs loosely together but is invisible under the meat and bones that are your research and the chapters.

*Don't say 'we have seen that' or 'this chapter looks at'. No one wants to know what you have seen or are looking at, they want to know what is being *argued*, what is being unpacked, what is being *analysed*.

*Be aware that only three people will read this version of the PhD (until you try and make it a book that others probably won't read either ;0)). You are writing for these people. They are busy and looking for certain things so they will skim read, they know what they are looking for. They won't quibble with you over small details, but they will want you to be consistent. They won't quibble over minor references you have used but will over the big names. You must know who says what and why and be able to relate the nig names to each other. 'So and so believes this but I know that so and so would disagree...'. With the VIVA this kind of knowledge is very impressive and if you can say something about current lit, after your thesis was published, this will be even better.

*Your examiners will firstly read introductions and conclusions and go to the references to see what you are saying, why, and how clearly, before reading anything else. Again, make these clear as day and you will have the examiner in a very good mood. This work is not a magical mystery tour.

* Getting the PhD is about showing that you can explain what is in your head to someone else. It is about being able to engage in a high level of intellectula activity and make it so someone else can understand it and learn (maybe!) from it.

* Throughout the thesis send out little signals regarding the final analysis - the discussion shouldn't be a surprise but will be developed from these signals.

tis all for now :0)
x J

Still A-OK!

All is still well in my world. Phew!

I have had this morning to work, though admittedly I have not done much. At all. But then it is nice to be able to catch up on normal life (bills, emails etc) and sort of relax a bit before am on duty with the wean and all that entails :0) I have tomorrow, Friday and Saturday morning booked to work too so all good. May work Sunday doing some reading. Started some reading last night too so not a total skiver...

DB is looking after Bean brilliantly, it really feels like we are a team for once instead of in competition for who is the most tired, most stressed and who deserves the most time to work. Hurray!

Thank you for your lovely comments by the way, am very touched.

Gosh I am thirsty!

Uh oh I can her the baby screaming his head off! think I better go and see if he needs a nap. Is nearly time for me to stop work anyway - we are swimming after lunch so I have to leave early today and get him and me ready and him napped. And am just skiving ;0) Will be back tomorrow properly, am just taking this wee time to bask in the pleasure that is, for once, feeling on top of stuff.

x J

YAYYYYYYY!

I can only be quick but am taking the rest of the day off (with an article to read of course) to look after the wean who is currently trying to pull the radio off the shelf, and the lamp...

BUT I went in to see my Sup and he is really pleased with my work! No WAY. He said it was excellent and I apologised for it being so rough and he said that the intro was excellent and it didn't look at all rough, and that the rest was wonderful! How jammy is that. Somehow I managed to make two nights of work look like two months, am just so relieved. ANd so pleased that he made me do that work because now I am really back into the swing of things and have lots of work to do between now and Jan, is all very organised and just a case of getting on with it.

AND today was the first tijme I have left Bean in the daytime to go off on my own, and it was fine.

AND DB was looking after him and did a marvellous job, Bean is all fed and watered and clean and most importantly, had a grand time with his Daddy :0) DB is super keen to keep doing this, so I work mornings on four days a week and he works afternoons, I have Saturdays and he has one working day a week to go inton his client's office. Sounds great to me, Bean is in such a fine mood having been cared by by both his parents.

So am in a great mood and looking forward to an afternoon slumming about with my baby knowing that my PhD is still safe and sound.

Thank you for seeing me through my whinging. Am so grateful. Hopefully I can start to be a better example of a PhD Mum :0)

Now I feel back in the swing of things I think I can drop the 'coming back to it after maternity leave' tag. Am not 'coming' back, am BACK! hehe!

x J

huzzahs!

I am working again! AGAIN!

DB is bathing the baby, dinner is cooked (Jamie Oliver's Beef and Ale Stew - is the shizzle of stews) and I have to type up my fieldwork findings that I worked out yesterday. I ahve the whole of this evening :0)))))) DB and I are totally back on track and I feel more relaxed all the time. Just need to get exercising again and I will feel totally coowell.

I am not sure about my fieldwork analysis... I mean, I really like it and I have lots of information that answers my (vague) research questions. So that's all grand. Only, I seem to have analysed it quite easily. I haven't used NVIVO. I haven't fretted over themes or justifying why I am asking some questions and not others. I just went through the interview transcripts and wrote down what was repetitive. Obviously the transcripts follow a format as I had questions for the interviewers to follow so I can easily draw out themes according to the answers. It's all been quite simple.

I suppose I should just be pleased rather than suspicious...

Anyway, am going to type it all up now then I can show my Sup tomorrow what the chuff I got up to in India and that it was, actually, worth it :0)

Am so dreading going to Uni tomorrow. Really dreading it! Am dreading being away from my baby - I hate leaving him so much! Am dreading the meeting. Am dreading missing my train home and being stranded while my baby needs feeding at home (should I drive? Is that just silly as the trains are every half an hour lol). Am feeling a bit stressed as I have lots of chores to do in Uni that I should do tomorrow but don't really want to spend the time doing them. Library etc. I might just not do them and stick to the meeting. I don't know why I am so skeered! Is really Very Silly. Mild agoraphobia I suspect - I have hardly left my village for a year let alone hit the City! Yep, that's what it is. I should go and be pleased to be amongst humanity as a normal person. And maybe buy myself a new top to celebrate being in a Big Place ;0)

Ok back to work. Well, must mash some tatties first, then am back to work.

Am so much happier! Thanks for sticking with me through my whining. I really hope that is all there will be and it will only be downhill (in the good way) from now on...

watch this space!

x J

While the baby naps...

I am busy working. I hope it's a long nap but think it will only be half an hour. I can't work when he is awake because he spends all his time whinging that he can't go on the laptop and pulling at it or trying to type!

I managed to do lots of work yesterday... was interrupted but seriously got my head down and got on and worked until 10pm. Came down from the office at about 6pm to enjoy halloween - I love the wee trick or treaters ;0) - and worked on the settee while DB shopped and cooked us dins. Very grateful so I was :0) Am still quite cross but am always cross these days!

Anyway, analysed and collated together my interviews from India yesterday and have some great info and have realised that I was trying to put together my chapter the wrong way. Instead of having the documental evidence at the beginning and then my research - both of which say the same thing - I should have it the other way around, so my research is the focus of the chapter and the documental evidence backs it up. Sounds so obvious now but honestly I have been confuddled about this for about a year! Will also need to change around the order of two chapters for the thesis to flow and means I have actually worked out my thesis completely now! Even the discussion now, I know what I want to say when I didn't before :0) How fab is that. Am very quietly delighted. I haven't told anyone as is just a small victory in a whole quagmire of stress and drama, but is really reassuring. All I have to do now (all... ALL) is write it... Great thing too is that my Sup wants to see my writing for this chapter tomorrow and with the documental evidence I have 3,000 wds down already :0) Today I have to get the skeleton of my research findings down. Let's hope the baby naps for a while! DB is out all day today so I am full time Mumming until hopefully he is back at about 5pm. Then I shall work all night. I reckon five hours should do it and then I should be well on my way to having the first draft of this chapter done with about 5/6,ooo words.

Hurray!

x J