I had a small meltdown this morning...
DB was in a foul mood with his work yesterday and basically took it out on me all day and when he said that my meeting with Sup today was causing him angst I cancelled it. Sup was fine about it, it is the only time I have ever not made a meeting so I don't feel too bad, just wish I could have gone! All that knowledge I could have!
But anyway, hopefully DB will realise that his whining does have an affect and I just won't take it any more - if he has an issue with me working he should tell me and I will sort it out. I can't ignore it and just meekly bow to all his grumpiness - it does have an effect, in this case, me cancelling my appt. I know he feels shit about it now but we will just have to move on. I hate, hate, hate the negative affect taking time out to work has on the family :(. Having kids and doing a PhD is so tough!
So anyway, I was very upset this morning about having to cope with late pregnancy (am so so so so tired), Beanie playing up and work demands with absolutely no bugger to help me. I know we did the right thing by moving so I can't regret it - if we were up north still I might well have childcare but I would still be waiting to move down and still would only have one friend... It feels right to be down here now. I have had a second to think tho and have realised that I need to get back to work basics. Basically I have had three months off and so getting back into it even if it is only for a few weeks will be tough and I must play it cleverly!
SOOOO:
So think that is that. DB has taken DS out for an impromptu tip run (exciting times!) so I have had this time to garble out my thoughts and start breathing again. In fact, I almost feel good about it all. I have also booked a haircut for tomorrow night which sounds crackers but having not had it done for nearly a year I look a total state and it is depressing. Am actually looking forward to going out to have something done simply for me :) I am not blooming in this pregnancy, my skin is sallow and a total blotchy mess so having nice hair will sort my psychological state out a treat. Bean was much happier this afternoon once I sorted out my mardiness about having to work and now I have written this and made a plan all seems much better with the world!
I think, to be honest, the shock of how much work I have to do (not looooads - but I am 34 weeks pregnant so have a very real deadline. If I didn't and had the whole 4/5 months or so it would be a breeze!) and the fact that if I don't have it done I will have this work to do AND A NEWBORN BABY terrified me into a panicked, weepy, snotty corner. Plus the fact I don't want to work (I want to sort out cots and eat fish and chips and sleep) didn't help. I am over my sulk now and ready to meet the challenge.
So am off to amazon to get some books.
Laters!
x J
DB was in a foul mood with his work yesterday and basically took it out on me all day and when he said that my meeting with Sup today was causing him angst I cancelled it. Sup was fine about it, it is the only time I have ever not made a meeting so I don't feel too bad, just wish I could have gone! All that knowledge I could have!
But anyway, hopefully DB will realise that his whining does have an affect and I just won't take it any more - if he has an issue with me working he should tell me and I will sort it out. I can't ignore it and just meekly bow to all his grumpiness - it does have an effect, in this case, me cancelling my appt. I know he feels shit about it now but we will just have to move on. I hate, hate, hate the negative affect taking time out to work has on the family :(. Having kids and doing a PhD is so tough!
So anyway, I was very upset this morning about having to cope with late pregnancy (am so so so so tired), Beanie playing up and work demands with absolutely no bugger to help me. I know we did the right thing by moving so I can't regret it - if we were up north still I might well have childcare but I would still be waiting to move down and still would only have one friend... It feels right to be down here now. I have had a second to think tho and have realised that I need to get back to work basics. Basically I have had three months off and so getting back into it even if it is only for a few weeks will be tough and I must play it cleverly!
SOOOO:
- I will need to get a temporary desk (I know! I don't have one, it is the dining room table now!) I have a work area sorted out that I like so that is good.
- I will need to work in ten minute slots again until I get back into it.
- I will need to commit to working properly. Even tho they are 'corrections' and the body of the thesis is written, effectively I have been told it isn't finished yet and there are some holes that need serious attention. I must attend to these holes with said serious attention, not flighty or sulky half-measures.
- The literature I need to read I can download on my kindle and return to amazon within a week and not have to pay for it. Take advantage of this! Otherwise, buy the buggering books. I will read about 10 books on this literature to get a broad but strong sense of themes without being bogged down. That should suffice and at least is a baseline to work from.
- Don't think/worry about giving birth! Just get on, you have at least three weeks to be starting with. If you have the baby then apply for an extension or some form of maternity leave, am sure it will be fine (they wouldn't fail me at this stage would they?!?!). Realising this has been a huge step for me as the stress of having to have it done NOW so I can relax and prepare to have a baby was getting on top of me.
- Work a bit every day. Ask friends to help out with bean for an hour or two when possible and take every snippet of time you can. Is not for long!
- Get over the fact that you thought you had finished all the hard work! Just read through the notes Sup sent, your own notes from the viva and get your head down. Every ten mins worked is another ten mins closer to the finish line. And if you work properly now then hopefully it was be accepted by the examiner and you will NEVER SEE IT AGAIN. Oh what a day that will be to know I really have finished it!
- Work on it as a monologue to start with then feed it into the thesis when you work out where it should go! This prevents the stress of messing about with pagination etc and fecking up the thesis as it stands. (Am very nervous about doing this so best to keep the new work away from the old, established work for now!)
So think that is that. DB has taken DS out for an impromptu tip run (exciting times!) so I have had this time to garble out my thoughts and start breathing again. In fact, I almost feel good about it all. I have also booked a haircut for tomorrow night which sounds crackers but having not had it done for nearly a year I look a total state and it is depressing. Am actually looking forward to going out to have something done simply for me :) I am not blooming in this pregnancy, my skin is sallow and a total blotchy mess so having nice hair will sort my psychological state out a treat. Bean was much happier this afternoon once I sorted out my mardiness about having to work and now I have written this and made a plan all seems much better with the world!
I think, to be honest, the shock of how much work I have to do (not looooads - but I am 34 weeks pregnant so have a very real deadline. If I didn't and had the whole 4/5 months or so it would be a breeze!) and the fact that if I don't have it done I will have this work to do AND A NEWBORN BABY terrified me into a panicked, weepy, snotty corner. Plus the fact I don't want to work (I want to sort out cots and eat fish and chips and sleep) didn't help. I am over my sulk now and ready to meet the challenge.
So am off to amazon to get some books.
Laters!
x J
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