Nearly there

I think...

This discussion chapter is finally, finally in its final state.  The headings are concise and make sense, there is a narrative and argument (arguments) and it stands at 8,000 words.  I have about 700 - 1000 words to add, then need to tighten it up and make the conclusion and intro match to the text (!).  That will be draft one done.

Then I shall need to re-visit it after I have done the lit review chapter and add in/take out bits as I am sure I would have explained some concepts etc already.

I am slightly concerned by the lack of references and namechecking I have done in this chapter but wonder if that is because this is mainly a 'thinky' chapter, rather than one laying out different arguments?  I mean, I have already made the arguments and presented the relevant people (apparently!) within the research so far, so this time I am just saying how the arguments *I* have made are important/useful for my field?  I reference my findings a lot in this chapter...  Hmmm, dunno.  I think writing my lit review shall help me work this out.  That chapter will be chock full of references.  Everyone under the sun and their aunty!

Speaking of sun...  I am going to get some lunch and rest my back and shoulders and catch some rays.  I am hunched over my laptop on the floor and it HURTS!  But I can't work on my desk because my notes are all over the floor.  I have a huge kitche table for my desk and they won't fit on it!  I do have them in neat piles now though according to my main 'themes'.  Lovely, lovely.

Am sick of this work and getting tense with it!  I don't want to get tense it's miserable and doesn't make you work any faster.  well, maybe it does a bit :0)  Am a bit pregnant-moody today too which makes me generally grumpy.  Am annoyed that I can't just constantly work but have to get Bean and stuff too, I just really want to work all the time.  I am not good for company or chilling or being anything other than a work grump.  It's because I have run over my deadline, I don't feel I have any time to spare now so can't relax or think about much else.  Oh well, it's not for long now.

x J

Confused

Arg I need a break.

This chapter is now up to over 9000 words and I am sure I have not yet said anything.  it is a load of waffle.  I don't have time for waffle!  i wanted words on a page but coherent, useful ones ;0)

hmm it probably isn't that bad.  I think I might need to leave it now and come back to it with fresh eyes and see what I have written about.  I have a feeling that a) I have nearly finished it, or in fact, finished it; b) it needs some serious re-writing; c) it needs to have lots of crossreferencing and more of my theory and key authors positions in it.

I think I need to start my lit review.  Once that is written i should have all the key authors and key debates and contentions and how I differ from them down pat.  Then all I need to do (hehe, as if) is transfer that knowledge onto my discussion chapter, jiggle and re-write so the contentions I am making stay the same but are cleverer, more in-depth and generally firmer, and then it is done.  My other option is to go through my notes and write in the relevant authors and contentions now but if I do that they sound like I am saying them for the first time/introducing new ideas and fo' sho' I do not want to be doing that now.  this chapter is about what i have already said and what this means for my discipline, not debating new contentions :0)

Soooo I think it is better than I feel, but also worse as I really want to have this chapter DONE, at least to first draft standard, asap.  But it looks like it will have to go on hold for a week or two while I do the lit review chapter.

I suppose the chapters just aren't discrete any more and so can't be worked on as individual pieces of work.  I need to learn to chill out and be more flexible and just let this one go for now.

AND I wrote about 1,300 words today.  the structure is there, the main contentions I want to make, the conclusion and it cross references my chapters (chapter 6 showed la la la) and contentions really well.  It just doesn't have much of my theory or the theory and contemporary debates of my discipline in there and it most definitely needs that to be a-ok.  but I know that now, so hurray.

OK!  I am off to get my little one.  need to get out and away!  I shall not come back to this today (YAYAYA) but will start my lit review maybe tomorrow night or Saturday night.  God knows how I am going to start that mammoth piece of work.

x J

Getting on with it

but only with a whole load of self-bribery!

I am completely stressed about having to finish this chapter for Sunday at the extreme very latest and most unhappy as I have only today and then evenings after bean is in bed to meet that deadline.  I absoltely have to meet it and thinking about it makes me very tired!  However, despite this knowledge and stress I am finding it hard to focus so today have been practising my '10 mins on, 5 mins off' rule, which generally turns into 15 mins on and then hopefully later should be mostly on and hardly ever off and I shall be back into it.

I haven't worked well for a while and am back into bad habits and keep 'wandering off', either thinking about other stuff or literally struggling not to leap up and go off somewhere else to do something completely unnecessary. 

I have written 500 words in an hour and a half though :0)  I have a long way to go but as long as I keep thinking to myself that this is now simply an exercise in communication I can relax and just type.  I also keep thinking about how my sup said that I literally just need words on paper - I need to get ALL new material down asap then I can edit it.  I can't wait for that.  That it doesn't need to be polished helps me write.

I had a lovely b'day yesterday at the seaside and nearly relaxed though truthfully I had a knot in my stomach of dread and worry about it all.  Was lovely not to be at home though.

I am off to get some lunch or a drink now, just get away from the laptop as I have been here a while!

x J

Ploughing on...

through treacle :0)

I have not worked for two whole days and my brain has atrophied.  I can't remember what the heck my point is in my work (!) so am concentrating on not caring about the bigger picture but just filling in gaps in the discussion as I see them...  It is working, so far.

however, I have only just started working.  I find it soooo hard to get back into working after a day or two off!  I shall have no more breaks.  Apart from tomorrow that is, I am off to the seaside in the North for my Birthday, hurrah!

had a bit of a scare with my pregnancy last night which is why I didn't work, was in t'hospital!  All seems fine though so am just getting my head down and carrying on.

I have 2 more hours and aim to finish my 500 word quote for the day and get back into the swing of things.  I only have one more proper day of work left (on thurs) then it is snatched moments during Bean's naps and after he is asleep as DB is away for the weekend :0(  Is going to be reet stressful but is my bed, and i am going to lie in it until I have finished this chapter!

x J

deadline je-jig

Ha ha!

I have re-jigged my deadline :0)  This means I have a whole extra week to complete this chapter and two weeks for my lit review, 10 days for my methodology and 10 days for my intro/concl chapters, which is amazing.  I can do all I need to in that time :0)  This will only give me a month after submistting the draft for editing but I am confident it will be ok - i will work all night every night for a month to get this done, no worries!

Am sooo pleased, not least because today I am just completely shattered and dying for a nap!  I have written another 700 words between yesterday and today so far and aim for another 500 - 1000.  this looks like it will be about 10,000 words when finished as I am nearly at 8,000 now!  is lovely though because it means I obviously have content and I would always rather cut back than trying to think of new material!  Also, working 'guilt free' deadline wise is so much more pleasant.  There is no WAY I will miss any more deadlines, I cannot afford to only have three weeks to edit, especially as it is not really three weeks as I have to have it bound etc.

Anywho, am off to work!

x J

ha ha!

I wrote 1,200 words!  I have worked like a demon!

It is strange because in this discussion chapter I seem to write more about my own contentions (from the thesis) thank I do other poeple's, so am not referring to notes as much as  am used to and can just write. 

It is very much a communications exercise, rounding up all my ideas and showing how they interrelate and make a common argument, and what those arguments are.

Is very satisfying.

I am having to work on the floor because this is the only place I can fit me and all my notes and my back is killing!

Am off to get the boy now - half an hour later than usual as I dropped him off at 10am, and I think I much prefer these hours!

I can't believe I have worked so well.  i have over 6,000 words now.  Only 2,000 more to go....

x J 

Remorseful

Arf I am in trouble and feel bad.

This chapter is late and needs to be finished by Sat pm - yet I did not work yesterday all day.  WTF?  I did work last night and got lots done but still, am not impressed.  Tonight I am home alone with Bean so can't work until 8.30, but then I shall work until 10.30 - which is very late for me at the moment.

i have to shift my arse today and get lots done.  No internet, no naval gazing - serious proper work. 

I have today, tongiht, tomorrow night and saturday to work.  I have about 4/5,000 words to do...  The plan is excellent and should be a paint-by-numbers job now really, apart from you know, that it is a PhD so is never as easy as you think it will be.  Anyway, today I hope to get 500 words minimum, but aim for 1,000.  I aim to get engrossed in the next section of this chapter and hopefully even finish it.  I cannot spend today editing and faffing with the section I did yesterday but am worried that I will!  if I see it needs work I won't be able to help but do it!

Laters y'all.

x J

complete crap

ooooh today has been shite.

what a waste of a day!  And i haven't even had a lunchbreak and have been sat in front of the laptop allll day but done hardly anything.  I can't be bothered!  I don't care!

Am stupid.  Anyway, I am working tonight and again tomorrow, hopefully a break away with Bean will sort my head out.  I just want to socialise, I am not in the mood for working at all.

x J

On a go slow

Hmmm I am being a bit rubbish today.

Very easily distracted and just can't be motivated or arsed, even though this chapter is late and I have 5 weeks to write four more after this.  Am a total moron.

I am going to work now, for just 10 mins then have 10 mins off; if I can conentrate for even that it would be an improvement!

x J

Cracked it

Ha ha!

I have cracked this buggering chapter :0)  I have managed, well, am managing. to write a discussion chaopter that draws on the contentions and findings of the research and show what this means for how we think about x,y, and z.  very exciting and it is all making sense, is nearly planned and have over half the text written and a lot more to do - but I know what to write so this is a good thing!

hurrah!  I worked out that for this chapter I need to keep referring to my past chapters as if they were references, keep drawing them in to the arguments I am making so it shows how the research has been useful.  Also stops me going off on tangents on new ideas/research.

Am so pleased and feel confident I shall have the chapter done for the weekend.  reckon will finish sat afternoon. 

Am really annoyed because it is 12 already and I have a doctors appt at half two.  I have to go because I don't want to!  if I cancelled it would be very silly and possibly something I regret but still, it bugs that I have flow and have to go and sit in a stupid doctors surgery.  I hope they aren't running late or I shall have no time when I get back to do any more work before getting the wean.

Anyway, is a joy that it is going well!  Also, having this chapter nailed makes the intro and lit review seem much easier.  phew. 

x J

Evening work

Yo ho ho

I am feeling veer proud of myself!

I am sooooo tired and all preggo today, but here I am working away :0)  I honestly feel I could just zonk here and now but I am motivated - MUST WORK!  I shall work until about 8 - would like to work later but I haven't seen DB since we found out we were updiffed again so want to spend some time with him.  Tonight's aim is to get into this chapter so when I come to it tomorrow after dropping Bean off I can just work straightaway and get lots written.

I have decided to just write this chapter really, really roughly.  Just write anything, anyhow and get it done and fiddle around with it at a later date.  The thought of making it a good chapter was making it hard to work and horrible because I a) didn't know how to make it good and b) just didn't feel capable.  Self doubt is so crippling.  So I decided last night to just write anything and if it is toss let my sup tell me and help me make it good.  Hopefully this will get me writing and it won't be so bad...

Anyway, best get on, only have an hour :0)

Have decided this chapter (which should be finished tonight) must be finished by Mother's Day (sunday) so I can have  that day off and feel most pleased.

x J

x J

Slogging away

Yes, I have been slogging away allllll day.

I have managed to reduce my workd count from 4,500 words to 1,600 words which is depressing, but at least they are accurate words!  Today has been like working through treacle; I am mega slow, majorly distracted and can't spell.  However, I am really motivated, and even if I am working like a slug at least I am working! 

I have come to terms with the fact that this chapter is going to be about five/six days late.  This really bad news as  I do not have anydays to spare but at the end of the day if it is getting done, it is getting done.  All will be ok...  It will - it has to be!  This is such a big chapter and if it is done, and done well, it will be the backbone for my lit review, intro and conclusion so hopefully those chapters should come quite quickly.  Although I say that for every chapter and they all turn out to be pains in the bum!

Anyway, back to it! 

x J

Oh toss

I worked pretty well yesterday...

I managed to sort out my plan and it was all looking lovely, then in the afternoon I sat to write.  And got up, and sat back down again and for some reason I just couldn't write.  Then I realised that the first section I was trying to do was actually for the lit review, so copy and pasted that over to my lit review chapter.  Then sat do work again.  And realised, finally that what i had planned to write was virtually my thesis again!  My plan for the chapter was along the same lines as the arguments I have already proposed! 

So I realised that this chapter is *not* a regurgitation of the thesis (!) or a whole new chapter of new research and ideas (I was in danger of doing this too) - but is to answer the question 'so what?' about my findings.  This chapter is where I have to own my findings and contentions so far - which is pretty scary because I like to keep them hidden in my chapters.  Being all out and proud about them and justifying them and their contribution to contemporary IR literature is really scary!  What if my findings are a load of nonsense?!  So really, this chapter is quite a learning curve for me and my personal, academic development.  I have to say these are the contentions that I have made, MY contentions, and this is why it matters to the different literatures in my field.  How will it change how people consider humanitarian behaviour in post-disaster contexts for example?  But all the time drawing in theory and using debates.  I don't like it!

So there we are; I have, at last, worked out what a discussion chapter is!  Am such a slow moron.  but as my friend kindly pointed out sometimes doing a PhD is all about these workings out and this process of learning and we all do it in different ways at different rates.

So knowing this today is going to be a fabulously productive day.  When I have got rid of this headache and my coffee kicks in ;0)

 x J

Working ok

I have to confess that I have a crushing weight of expectation on my shoulders which is not helping me work.

I am also staring at the time and constantly berating myself for not having done more work.

I have also found out that I am pregnant again today :0)  Shhhh, is ridiculously early days but I am, at the mo, and if I was to find out I wasn't and something had happened I figured I would want to post about it as obviously, I think that would affect my work!  But yay!  Am delighted!  And for me it means that something bigger is happening than my PhD, that gives me focus beyond my submission date and well, is another thing to aim for - being able to sit and be preggo and happy and NOT thinikng about work.

These things are hampering my concentration!

However, I have done some work.  I am sorting out what the chuff this chapter is about - there are far too many words and not enough actual information and it is scrambling my brain.  I am getting it all together and then this afternoon I aim to write at least 500 words.

I think I am going to have to accept that this chapter is not going to be finished for Monday.  If I think this then  can work, if I try to aim for Monday I have soooooo much to do I just feel like I can't breathe and want to run away.  I shall plod on and hopefully today I will finish at 6.30 knowing I have written lots and know what this chapter is about, so I can come to it tomorrow and just get on with it straight away.

I have my PhD friend coming over tonight.  I decided, although I want to be on my own to work, work, work, this is where I went wrong last time I had the weekend to myself... It helped me procrastinate knowing I had 'all the time in the world'.  This way I can only work until 6.30 so makes me feel like I ought to crack on.  I also want to see my friend, she is having the worst time of it in the world at the moment (really, puts PhD stress in the shade) and I want to see her.

I am going to do more work.  I shall work until 12.15 then slope off for half an hour.  I seem to be working best at an hour on, half an hour off at the mo - it is saturday... and really, a big day for moi and I am all on my own, fizzing with excitement and slight nausea ;0)

laters!

x J

yay

My discussion chapter is shaping up nicely :0)

I have been working at it when I can and now have the shape of it so just need to fill in the gaps.  I have about 4000 rough words down though think probably 3000 proper words...  need to make it to 8000 which should be feasible hurrah.  My deadline is Monday night and my family have shipped out to go down south for the weekend so I have today (till 8ish when I shall knock off for the day), all tomorrow and all sunday.

I am really sad that my lovely DB and baby have gone!  It feels like someone turned the light off in my house :0(  However, I need a weekend to myself, and some time to be selfish with.  As well as work, this weekend I plan to have a bath, have two nights of uninterrupted sleep, two lie-ins, a swim and two nights to uninterrupted lovely tv watching.  I intend to talk out loud to myself and type, type type :0) 

Having the discussion chapter done would be a dream!  I do know what I want to say though, and have chopped some bits out already and put them in the intro/conclusion so the thesis as a whole is growing in a lovely organic way.  I am having a good time with it at the moment hurray!

Today I want to have this chapter completely shaped with a pretty neat intro and subheadings to match, and to have properly got into the flow of writing it up.  I have been for a quick 15 min run today to clear my cobwebs and get me into a good frame of mind for working, as well as to test my fitness after having the Lurgy for a week.  Because of being ill I haven't had any alcohol or fags for two weeks!  This is a long time for me, I am a regular friday night kitchen-parter ;0)  I do feel good for it, and I know that it is benefitting my work.  I am having homemade pizza for tea though, with mini-eggs for pud ;0)  And I am going to watch comedy on tv and go to bed at a reasonable time but because I want to, not because I ought to because my toddler will wake me in the night and early in the morning.  Oh the joy of single life!! (Temporary, only temporary - I love my life really ;0))

Soooo, I am off.  I shall work for 45 mins initially and can jump up and run downstairs to make pizza dough then, then back up for another stint.  I don't care if it is jumpy to start with seeing as I haven't had a full, uninterrupted session of work for a few weeks!  Just doing work at all is *wonderful* and I will meet my goal and spread out on the settee like a huge manatee of contented PhDness.

Tomorrow I will come to work for about 10/10.30 and work all day, but will jump up to go for a run and mnake food and read the paper here and there.  I am *not* going to do what I did last time and which gave me writer's block, which is force myself to sit at my laptop for every minute of every day in the expectation that I shall write three chapters.  I shall be much kinder to myself - and who knows, I might even enjoy it...

x J

going ok!

Despite not being able to work today I am doing ok!

I woriked for about an hour this morning and managed in that time to finish editing my humanitarian chapter (written about two years ago!), took what a needed from it for the discussion chapter and then wrote 3/400 rough words into the discussion chapter of analysis.  I am now halfway through the discussion although very roughly.  Though I don't care as my sup said just get new words down, however rough and so I am most pleased to be writing 'new material' and getting it done!  And it doesn't seem so daunting!

Then I did some craft stuff with my bean, went to the shops with him, had lunch and he is now watching postman pat with his Dad while I get on with refreshing my memory of what is in my next chapter, taking out any bits I can for the discussion, adding some bits I need to on theory and then writing up another rough rant in the discussion chapter...  then onto the next chapter!  I hope to have all the chapters written into the discussion in this way by friday night, then over the weekend I can polish and organise the chapter into a rough first draft to send to my Sup before Tuesday.  Tuesday I start on my lit review chapter (eek, scared).

Ok so best get on, I only have 15 minutes to start on this, then downstairs to settle Bean for his nap, then back up sometime this afternoon for a good hour I hope.

It  is so weird but I am not stressed at all about hardly being able to work and having to do all this juggling, in fact I am mightily enjoying myself!

laters!

x J

S'all Ok really...

Soooo, after having yesterday 'off' because I needed to look after my poorly toddler I got him bundled up to get out of the door today and...

The childminder is ill!  And will be ill tomorrow!  Oh jeeeez.  And DB is really ill so I am doing all the childcare on this massive, massive period of my work life :0)  I mean, I adore my baby and would rather be looking after him anyway,l but that is kind of the problem - he is a wonderful distraction and one I am too happy to drop work for! 

So at the moment he is being 'watched' by DB (who is incapable of moving bless him) while bean in turn watches tv and I am up here doing 45 mins of work.

I have hardly worked properly for nearly a month now!  At this stage too!  What a nightmare.  I was working last night until 12 which is terrible because I can't switch off and have to be up with bean all night so isn't clever but then what can I do?! 

Sooooo I am skiving upstairs and enjoying some time away from the sick den.  I have read and re-jigged my humanitarian chapter, and am now going to read my other chapters so I know what to write about in my discussion chapter.  I think, as my other chapters are all 2,000 words above the recommended word limit, I shall take some of the analyses out and put them in my discussion chapter.  I have been wondering where to go with the discussion then thought maybe I have already said too much and need to parr down some chapters and use the arguments in my discussion.

Anyway, better get on, time is ticking!

x J

Hate Working

Arg I am really really disliking working today :0(

I have been stuck on the house for over a week and am starting to feel crazy and very unhappy.  I am too ill to do anything strenuous though and Bean is really poorly and must stay in.  Tomorrow will be another day in just him and me - can't get any friends over for a flu party ;0) 

ARG.  I hate it!  And work SUCKS!  I am doing it but it is dull and I am not entirely sure what I am up to.  I hate that 'need to write' stage yet you aren't quite sure what direction the chapter is going in...  And I know I have to write anything, but just really don't like working that way.  I like to be more organised that that!

Anyway, yesterday I wrote the obligatory 500 words, and today I have juggled these about, written some more, done a good intro paragraph for my intro chapter and sorted out my subheadings for the discussion chapter.  Now I ought to start some writing for said chapter but am unsure what, or WHY.  WHYYYYYYY and I can't be bothered to rummage through notes and write stuff out when in the ack of my head I am freaking out that I may have to just delete it all when I 'come to' and get what the chuff this is all about!

Eeeeeeeek. 

On days like this I think it is wise to have a 'write 500 words then leave' policy.  That doesn't seem so stressful -  500 words is enough that it puts a dent in the overall mammoth taks facing me, but not so much that if it is rubbish when I come back tomorrow that I have wasted all that time and effort. 

I shall do that.  500 words it is then BOOM, I am out of here.  Hopefully I will know what I am writing and why by then?!

x J

Working... against the odds

Gah things are tricky in the Jayney household at the mo!

So I was ill all last week yek.  Am still dosed up on tablets but ok when I am.  However, I have passed the lurg onto my little cub which means that they are not down South, and I have only just been able to start work after being up all night with Bean.

It is my actual nightmare.  Poor bean, he is all poorly but luckily seems content to let his Dad look after him today (phew).  However, I am a week behind on my schedule which means that I have one week to write my whole discussion chapter!  WTF?! 

My plan is this:

• Don't panic.  Panicking will be counter-productive.
• Do aim to write 500 words today.  I know this is not enough but thinking of writing 1000 definitely is too scary and sends me straight to facebook.
• Do try and organise the subheadings for the discussion chapter and start filling them in with quotes and ting.
• Do go downstairs for ten minutes at 2pm, then come back up and work for another hour and then have another break etc etc.  I am way too antsy and poorly feeling to work well for long periods of time.

As long as I work, in some capacity it will be ok.  I also have to think that I am not actually behind until I have not finished on Tuesday 13 March.  This is actually a while away! 

You can do it!  Go, go, go!

x J