Stressed and worried :0(

Arf I am so worried today. I woke up worried having had dreams all night about being chased by rage-filled zombies like on the film 28 days later, and they knew I had the jab to be immune from the rage and they wanted it, wanted it! *Actually* it was a tamiflu jab which as far as I know is for flu and not Rage. hmmm silly zombies.

It is Saturday today. I emailed my RA yesterday and have not heard back yet, this is ok but I really want to know what he thinks he can or cannot do for me. If I meet him on weds and he tells me that he has not been able to do any more interviews then I will be spitting chips in between enormous great sobs of despair (I fly home on Thurs). I dread it and wish he only knew and would tell me it will be ok. I don't want to trust other people any more! Will he do the work? Will he not do the work? Arg! I have done four interviews which means I have 40 respondants at the mo. I wanted 120, but will easily settle for 80, this is a good amount for a small study and is just four more interviews of an hour each. But can he do them in time? Does it matter if he doesn't do them in time? Can he do them when I am back in the UK? No, because I can't get the recordings - he can't get them from the recorder onto his computer to email to me. The original recordings are of paramount importance to my study as I need to hear them for myself and get a gist of how the interview went, and get a second, objective translator to study them for me too so I have a thorough overview of what happened. *I* need the raw info, this is the first rule of research! I can't not have that recording, and i can't rely on a translation by my RA who writes in pigeon English. So they msut be done between now and Thursday at 4pm. And I am *not* coming back to this place. I like India, but hate working here, hate this town I have chosen for my study. Is such a bloodthirsty place with local people begging from white people, and I am just one of them and I hate it. And it is low season so it has a palpable feeling of faint desperation and soulessness. I may sound dramatic but it is true - the local people prey on tourists yet hate them, really hate them. It is gross to be part of but is the only place I can stay. And anyway, in itself is an interesting part of the case study, just depressing as hell.

Arg arg arg. I wish I could see into the future.

I am panicking about arriving home and realising I have not done a massive chunk of the work and that it is too late. I think this is probably a fairly typical experience and probably talked about in lots of helpful fieldwork books under a chapter title of 'leaving the field' and/or 'exit strategies'. Books that are miles away from me. I do feel like I am only just getting anywhere, I do feel that I am going to go home and realise I have *nothing* of any merit, or unanswered, gaping holes in the research, I do feel completely at the mercy of now, the present, and in a quandary about how to make the most of it so, in effect, I am now paralysed with worry.

SOsosososossssoooooo I am taking the afternoon off at 2pm. I have struggled not to burst into pathetic, self indulgent tears twice today already and DB has decided he too is a bit fed up of his work. So we are going to be bums, I will probably cry and wail about what a cr*p researcher I am for a while (I am, I just am the worst researcher in the world - I am far, far too shy and this makes me feel quite depressed - especially as I am quite on show with DB knowing my every move (or lack of) and being so confident and charming himself. He can talk to anyone about anything! I can't at all, I am a clam. What kind of a resaercher is a clam?!!) and then I will lose at scrabble. Again. (Which is rubbish DB does not beat me at scrabble but somehow he is on a winning streak.)

I am whiny, I know. I apologise. Its lonely doing research is all I can say. And evidence of another PhD 'test' I guess, that of leaving it and being able to 'let go' of the field and start to move on to another chapter... Is a big deal. It probably should be noted as well that when this part of the research is over I am officially entering the 'writing up' stage - and no longer in active research. This is pretty scary. In september I start the fourth year of (apparently but not quite, courtesy of wee beanie-pie) four. I am on the home strait. It is nearly over. I have to start talking about the work like I know what is going on, it has to start making sense, with ends neatly tied up and bows knotted and arranged for public display. I also have to know a) whether this research trip was useful and b) what I found out on it and c) what this *means* - why should people care? I don't know this, for, as yet, I have no information and my RA has it all in his Tamil-speaking, translating power. I have nothing but the time to whine on this blog.

Hmmmph. Doing a PhD is *hard*. I hate how unpredictable it all is!

Good news though, (yes, there is some!) my Mum has bought a house in the UK about 2 hours away from me, where my bro and sis live too so am off to stay with her (with my work of course!) on the 18 Aug for a week odd and be pampered and have the use of a whole new fridge of delights and Ma-cooked roast dinners. And we are going on my first beanie shopping trip as the 20 week scan is the day before - and we find out the sex! Ooooh! girlorboygirlorboy...

!!!
x J