Working :)

Soooo I re-read choice bits of my 'how to write a dissertation in 15 minutes a day' and it has helped me enormously!

I cannot emphasise how much I love this book!  I was dreading work and felt completely overwhelmed by it all.  And then I read a lovely section saying just try and freewrite rubbish for 10 mins a day.  And you might think, '10 mins?!  But that is not enough!' and she would say 'Ah.  But 10 mins is infinitely more than nothing!' and she is quite right.  And by that standard I have managed to sit and work uninterrupted for two sessions of 10 mins :)  I am very pleased with this.  About to go and do another session in a minute; I do ten mins and then have 20 mins off(ish).

I am also writing down every single time I go to play on the internet while I am working.  It is apparent that my concentration span at the moment is about 40 seconds long.  No, I am not joking!  Every minute I have a physical compulsion to click on the internet.  I have now disabled my internet by pressing my wireless off button, which is at the top of my laptop so I have to physically reach up to it to turn it on, and it is worrying the amount of times my hand twitches to do it!  I am an actual addict.  So this goes to show why I never work.  By writing it down I manage to do something with my twitch (!) and also look back and realise how many times I avoided skiving in a ten minute session AND hopefully see the gaps between each compulsion grow...  Arf I am in a mess!

My plan is to pootle on with the ten mins a day thing until Saturday, when DB and Bean will be safely in the South and I shall have three whole days to work, uninterrupted.  On these days I shall aim to to 2 pages of writing.  I can do this over however many hours I want, but when it is done my time is my own.  I shall also endeavouir to write before I do anything else, which is how I used to work before I had bean.  I would get up, get coffee and toast, sit at my desk and start work within about 20 mins of waking up.  these days I have to shower, dress (! such an inconvenience getting out of one's pj's), look after Bean, get him to the childminders and THEN finally, work.

I shall also write EVERY day bar one.  Even if it just for 10 mins.

It doesn't sound like much but, as nice lady whose name I forget says, it is better than the nothing I have done for the past two weeks!

Anyway, my ten minutes are calling!

x J

Ah-ha ha ha - second chance

I haven't necessarily buggered up my deadlines :)

If I work hard (and don't go South for bbq) I might be able to have a rough frist draft done for when we go on Holiday still.  It won't be as cushty as it was, and it won't be handed in as polished as I would have liked but all the chapters might be there, and a decent working biblio...

This is good news indeed!  It is very motivating because if I can hand in then I would be able to go on holiday knowing that my hols are at such a good time - in a dead space I wouldn't be working in anyway as my Sup is busy reading.  If I miss that deadline then when i go away will ADD to my deadline, it will be wasting time. 

So.  Better crack on instead of being on here talking about motivating it all is, or on twitter?!

x J

Twitter?!

Er I am now on twitter...  I think!

I can be found at  @jayney (I think, if that is how it works).  I set up the account in 2008 (!) when it was pretty new and just received an alert about it and looked it up and woohoo, what a nifty name!  Would never in a million years get such a good name now.

Anyway, I think that is how you find people, I set it up to go with the blog so...  will keep it as I do love a good mini-rant.

x J

Beginning of the END: Let's Finish this Bastard!

RIGHT friends.  This is IT.  This is the beginning of a whole load of pain and the END of the PhD for me.

I am forgoing all pleasures (apart from chocolate, crisps, wine and tv...  and my family...  and reading...  er not foregoing anything then) to complete my PhD.  Starting from TODAY!  Today!  Strike while the iron is hot.

Obviously I am not working now as I am procrastinating by writing this instead :)  One thing at a time though eh?! 

I was thinking yesterday and I felt very low.  I feel like an utter failure in various areas of my life, (all expect being a parent, I work bloody hard at that) and yesterday I just stood near the cooker and just felt so incredibly lost and down and trapped.  And I realised I was actually heading toward depression again, so something in my life had to change.  I realised I needed to get away, to move to the South asap!  I needed to get a life, to be happier and not so lonely and stressed.  I could work more then, more people would be around to look after Bean and love him, whereas here it is only us.  We should move after our holiday I realised, and then I would have until Dec to hand in, as the only reason I am submitting in Nov is so we can get to the South in time for Bean's Birthday.  AND I would be closer to my Sup, he only lives an hour away from that area, rather than 7 hours away!  I was very excited!

And then I realised oh dear, if we moved we would have a holiday in the middle of moving which would suck.  I would hand in in Dec, around Bean's Birthday and New year - and would have to travel 7 hours north to do that ALONE.  I wouldn't have a study down South as we can only afford 3 bedrooms and DB would have the spare one for his work.  We would have to find new permanent proper childcare and I would like Bean to move to a nursery next instead of again with a childminder and THEn to a nursery when he is three.  Too much upheaval.  Moving will be tough on him and instead of working MORE when we move I would like to be able to be a constant for him and help him adjust and make new friends.  Take him to the beach etc. 

I also realised that I would still need to complete even when we moved.  I would just be procrastinating because I have realised I do want to finish, I just don't know how and don't have any confidence to do it.  My friend emailed me yesterday to say she had submitted and that for the past yaer she had been a workaholic and never knew how hard submitting wouold be :(  This fills me with dread; I am the opposite of a workaholic!  I do not work anything like enough. 

I have also been spending too much time concentrating on the miscarriage and trying to make new healthy babies.  I am not getting pregnant and this depresses me.  So I have decided, even though it is the one thing in the world I want more than anything, to stop until Sept/oct and I have finished my first draft.  this is a Very Grown Up decision and puts my PhD at the forefront of my life, where it should be.  It has taken too long to realise this and in the meantime I have buggered up my deadlines by faffing about and wasting time.  But I have realised now, and have a new motivation that comes from an internal desire to succeed more than anything.

I do hope that now I have found this drive it will help carry me through.  However, I know that first of all I have to take control of myself and make myself work.  Through good times and bad, I need to sit at my desk pretty much every day, even if some days it is only for half an hour.  Losing momentum and being away from work is anathema to my creativity and progress.  I must work and think about working more often than not.  If I have a chance I should be working, even if for only half an hour.  Not big plans to work 3 hours of a nighttime etc, that is depressing.  Just keep working.  Which is why I am here today.  I am going to work now while DB is out at the shop with Bean.  Then we will go out for lunch and do family stuff for the afternoon.  Then at 5 I will ask DB to sit with Bean while he has his tea and do his bedtime and I shall work from 5pm to about 7.30.  This is work I would not have done normally.  Then I shall spend the evening with DB.  Tomorrow I don't know if I shall be able to work, my sister is coming for a roast dinner at 5pm and will stay till tues am.  This is an odd one but I made the plans before I started to be a Proper Worker :)

I am also NOT going to go South for a naming bbq of my neice-in-law.  This makes me feel like an arsehole as obviously it is a big family affair and I know I will always regret not going.  But my Sisterinlaw was keen I didn't go if I needed to work as it was only a very informal thing but then was dead chuffed when I said I would go :(  this makes me feel like an arsehole.  However, however,  we will move down forever quicker if I can work and live just up the road!  And if I stay here for FOUR days all on my own, I can be a proper worky person and get the momentum going that I need and, as of now, want.  I could make up so much time in those days.  especially, and this is a killer, as my childminder is off for two whole consecutive weeks after this one.  OMG.  What will I do?!  I will have to work during Bean's nap times and in the evenings.  I might be tired, but if I see progress, if I start seeing actual words on pages, and pages into chapters - won't this be profoundly exciting?!

So the plan is thus:  Work as and when I can.  Really, as and when.  Free time is not free, it is Work time!

Work hard this week and when DB and Bean go South so the two weeks off from the 6 Aug are copeable and you can enjoy that time with Bean. 

During those two weeks, when he sleeps you can work so momentum is not lost and progress is still made. 

Then work for the holiday, so you can go on holiday relaxed.  Getting the first draft done for then is now looking doubtful (twat) but see what you *can* do.  Words on pages, pages into chapters :)  Incremental progress is still progress.

That is the 13 Sept and about 6 weeks away and about all I can focus on for now.  It all becomes rather vague and fuzzy after that as I don't know how much I will have done to go away.  I guess the lit review, methodology and possibly the Intro too.  But concl and refs, abstract and appendices and bla bla will still need to be done. 

TBH just having the lit review done will be an immense achievement.  Shit and then I need to re-write the discussion.  It never ends!

Anyway, generally I feel better, I do.  Just being motivated, caring is quite a Thing.

x J

72 words :)

Yep.  I wrote 72 words! 

Not much, but I opened the bugger, found my place, and wrote stuff. 

Tomorrow I will do better!

 x J

Fucktits

Bugger I am meant to be finishing this chapter tomorrow, and am I?  Am I 'eck.

I have barely written anything.  I have to work hard today but would say that I am not feeling very well today.  And I have no motivation at all, as per.

I wish someone would say I don't have to do this any more.  That no-one would mind if I don't get the PhD.  And then again I wish someone stronger than me could motivate me.  I am fairly weak willed and sort of hedonistic - I don't make myself do things I don't want to do.  Like, I won't read a bad book to the end; if I think it is shit and I am not enjoying it I stop.  And generally in life I lack motivation to see things through to completion.  I get bored and wander off!  When I realise I can do something, or have achieved what I wanted to I am happy to stop, I don't feel I have to prove anything. 

And so it is with this.  I have done a PhD - I have planned, organised and completed my own research - I have written it all up and everything.  As far as I am concerned I have done what I set out to do.  Now it is phase III - writing up the shit around it for the benefit of every bugger else.  I don't care, I know what to do.  It is a drudge.  A nasty, nasty drudge.  I *know* in the long term my life will be better with the PhD, I know this and yet I just don't flipping care.

I am having a tantrum because I don't want to work.  Somewhere I have to find a far more grown up part of myself and make myself work :)  Maybe have a little deadline... 

Today I shall try to write 250 words.  Think small and achieve... 

x J

Struggling to be Arsed

Arf today I have done some but not much work.

I am so very cross.  I am really cross actually.  What a twat.

I tell you why I haven't done much.  Because it is really easy.  I have in front of me the exact notes I need to complete a substantial chunk of the chapter.  And I know just where the notes are for the next section, and the next and then it is done.  It will take me no time at all, once I get into it.

And I know this and so I am taking the piss, just faffing about when my poor Bean has been in childcare for four days this week and I have missed him and not wanted to take him...  and yet this isn't enough to motivate me :( 

I suppose I am cross with myself out of principle.  Why didn't I write this stuff up?  It should be easy and would be relatively painless if I did it over a few days.  Instead, in my head, the evil child within me just thinks 'well, meh, I will do it all next week, no problems.'

I don't have anyone to tell me off, except me.  Uni have no tabs on me, my sup trusts me to do what I can when I can...  and I am just sat here unable to work.  No one would notice or care whether I finish this chapter next week or not.  And unfortunately, I don't care either.  I hate this PhD, I want it gone, I want it out of my life.  But I don't want to do the work!  I am so distracted; I am the queen of procrastination.  I have no self discipline.  I have no focus or drive.  I plod along, slowly slowly and think 'tomorrow will be better' but it isn't.  Today I have 15 mins before I finish to get Bean and then won't be able to work again until Tuesday (am away for the weekend, can't wait). 

But then again, I just know in my heart that I haven't fucked up as such, I have just wasted time.  Wasting time is no crime and actually I have done some stirling work after apparently time wasting - there is a lot to be said for giving time for the subconcious to mull things over.  No, really.  I haven't missed a deadline, and the deadlines I have set are, indeed, my own.  So maybe I should be pleased that I am working at all, when technically I am suspended from Uni on sick leave and am in therapy for fuckedupishness.  I have deadlines I don't have to have, am cross on some level that I am going to overrun it (although I do have time to spare, with current deadlines I intend to submit 6 weeks early) which does show some level of caring and motivation, and anyway, the world will not end.  I also know that secretly I am thinking about not going to the South at the beginning of august because I don't want to be there when certain other people are, or share a bedroom with DB AND Bean (we don't sleep is just awful) and would rather spend the four odd days up here on my todd catching up on work eating.

So I am sneakily ok.  Still crap effort though, and obviously am worried that if I don't work in this time, when I was *sure* I would work hard, then who is to say I will work well next week or if I miss the South trip? 

I dunno.  Anyway, I am leaving my chapter in a grand place, it is easy to write now and hopefully next week I shall return from my weekend refreshed and re-motivated.  Am not going to beat myself up but am going to skip away from work, get my darling boy and have a wonderful long weekend :)

x J

Erm, did Okay....

Well i didn't do much but what I did do was great!

What I need to do is start writing, but instead today I have been caught up in reading through notes and working out what to put in in what order and chnaging subheadings and editing.  Procrastinating, but in a productive way.

Ah, the process just takes so long.

x J

Going to do Better Today

Today I am going to work much better than yesterday.

At the 11th hour yesterday I decided I couldn't work because sitting on the floor was hurting my shoulder when I typed and having all the notes in front of me was a bit daunting.  So I took the notes I just need for this section and put them on my big table and am sat up here working with them from now on.  My internet connection is also a bit shite up here so can't be on MN quite as much (doesn't mean I won't try though).

Today I am sat with a cup of decaff coffee, some wheat crunchies, pom bear and a packet of peanut m and ms, all in an effort to bribe myself to work.  I saw a pic of a colleague at his graduation yesterday (on FB) and he was looking quite portly so think that putting on a few lbs is simply the way to go.  I would rather be fat and finish the PhD (and then obviously lose weight) than slim and fit but not finish it ;0)

Looking at the piles of notes i have to put in this section is quite pleasing.  I will have lots of references (which is obviously rather important for a lit review).

Now I have to write it.  Just write it...

 x J 

Hmmm

I worked well yesterday.

Today, not so good.  In fact I have managed, without even noticing, to while away nearly 4 hours without even glancing at my work.

I feel grumpy about it and am utterly dreading it and don't want to do it at all. 

I don't know why, particularly.

Am not impressed.  Not at all.

x J

Bourbons for Breakfast

Bean is in childcare today, unual for a Monday, so this week I have a four day week.

I have a lot to do, but have also had three days off that were lovely and have a nasty combination of Monday morning blues and frisson of excitement that I have the house to myself for hours and hours.  Eek!

So I have cracked open the biccies already in a bid to soft soap myself into working...

I have yet to open my chapter.  I shall do it now.

Done.

I should like to lounge around today like a big lazy happy hippo.  However, I shall try to resist temptation.  Instead I shall edit the copy and pasted notes I er, copy and pasted on Thursday and change the refs frem harvard to footnotes.  Pretty boring but also pretty basic and Monday Morning-y.  I don't think anyone should be made to do difficult things on a Monday morning, but Tuesday will be fine. 

I am sooo sleepy.  Hmm.

x J

Working Against the Odds

Oh today has been a constant uphill struggle!

You know how usually you might not want to start work but when you do it is all ok?  I am not having one of those days!  I am having that day when you loopk at it, do some, do a bit more, leave it, mind wanders off...  back to it...  leave it...  it is plodding.  Plodding, plodding.  BUT I have done it!  I have been to it and done something with it three times which I think is impressive considering the huge metal effort it took just to open it once :) 

I haven't exercised today either.  Today I feel apathetic.  I haven't even really eaten, which is most odd for me.  Today I want to do nothing.  Nada!  I think getting Bean home will lift my mood, despite the fact I obviously can't even be arsed to parent a toddler!  hehe!  I am so silly.  Having him home will brighten my mood am sure - maybe I am not good at looking after myself today and can put my energies into looking after him.  A cuddle will be nice anyway.

But I digress.  As I suggested I should do, I went back to the chapter and started on one of the subheadings :)  I looked at my subpiles of lit and started to pull out the ones relevant to this section and was so pleased to see that there are a few that are relevant (am living in fear that what I am writing and the lit I have won't match, meaning I have more reading to do/have been barking up the wrong tree for three years) AND all the others have their place in my plan AND I even have a couple of subpiles that link sections nicely :)  This is ace!  And I have written nearly half of it and have a LOT more to go, which is so much better than not having anything to write eh?!  I reckon this chapter will be about 10,000 words which is probably about right for a lit review chapter.  Still can't be arsed to do it though, am just happy sitting back and marvelling at the fact it might just come together.  And then feeling very frightened that it won't.  Honestly, having this chapter done will be absolutely amazing and a real boost to my sanity.

I crave company today.  Not a good day for working; if I was in an office I would chat a lot today i think. 

Not doing any more I don't think.  I might write myself a note of where I am at so when I come back on Monday (or over the weekend) I know it is ok.  I really want this chapter done in two weeks time.  I don't see why this can't happen if I apply myself properly. 

*If*

x J

Woohoo!

Haha, I worked!

Excellent, am really chuffed with myself!

I have gone through the lit review and changed around the order of stuff, and fed in bits from the old lit review and discussion (!).  Now I have nearly 3,000wds so am nearly halfway there!  One section is practically done (hoiked from my MA thesis from 2005) and another I could write very easily, I know it like the back of my hand BUT I need one piece of paper with a sort of timeline of ideas and thoughts on it that i wrote about 3 years ago...  I wouldn't have thrown it away but I suspect it is filed away somewhere so will have to dig it out.  Having that will be great.  Two bits I have been worried about actually realise it is ok to say there isn't much info on: that is where my research comes in...  And anyway, if it doesn't suffice and i do need to do more I can at a later date.

So for now i am pleased with that.  I will look over it again in a bit and start to neaten out the section I just lifted so I can see how much I can keep (it might all be rubbish). 

I dunno, I might just leave it at that and try and find that random peice of paper.  Then I can come to it on Monday feeling I have easy editing to do for one section and then that paper for another and can just get on with it and not feel too frightened :)

x J

Nov 12 Deadline

I am aiming to submit on Nov 12th. 

I have decided I really want to have this done and have moved South for Bean's Birthday in Dec, I really don't want to have it up here, or xmas.  We don't really know anyone up here now, all our NCT friends have faded away slowly, back to work and old friends, and my only friend up here is due her second bubs any day now, when everything will change and doubt we will get to hang out much.  Bean is also becoming keenly aware of what a birthday is and is already talking about his birthday party (is not till Dec!).  Would love to be South with family and friends and able to have a wee party for him.

If I hand in on 12 Nov this also means that I can hand in my draft just before we go on holiday on the 13 Sept.  My Sup can have it for the 2 weeks I am away, while my brain chills and comes back refreshed and hopefully with new perspective on it all, ready for editing.  I will then have 6 weeks to edit :)  This is a lovely amount of time.  November was also the due date for the baby I miscarried so would be nice to have something else to celebrate to take the sting out of it, and a sense of control and moving on in my life.  Moving house etc would take my mind off it.

It means my deadlines are still tight. but I have an extra week for the lit review, methodology and 10 days each for the into and concl.  Unfortunately the childminder is off for two consecutive weeks in August which is a fucker and will bugger up my momentum, although I plan to try to work through this time and keep it up.

So all in all, is grand!

However, however, I can't be motivated now!  Am being shit and haven't actually worked for a week.  A whole week - when last Thursday the childminder cancelled and I was gutted at losing that day!

This is such a problem with having a child and trying to do a PhD.  It isn't the child per se, but having to rely on people to help you get on and stay in the PhD frame of mind... otherwise it all goes to shit!  You take a day off when you are meant to work, the momentum goes as does the interest and it is so hard to get back into :( 

I just really, really don't want to work. 

Am starting to have onset of panic attack feelings when am coming back from the childminder's too.  Am pretty stressed and in a fug about it all, and not sure how to work it all out.  I just wish I had a supervisor at Uni I could go and see every couple of weeks, you know, to keep tabs on me.  I feel quite un-moored.

Pretty sure working would be the best thing!  Am glad I have Monday next week...  Bean will be with the childminder for Mon through to Thurs which is a long time for him, but will be good for me to get some stuff done.

I think today I should just try and start writing one of my subsections.  Any one of them; just find the relevant pile of subnotes (!) and leaf through them, re-familiarise myself with the literature and start, if possible, writing some of it into the chapter.  I also have to feed in the writing from my old shit draft.  Maybe I shall put on the radio.  I feel pretty lonely and think this is what makes me skive on the internet a lot (eek, mumsnet!) so I can have a 'chat' or feel included in something.  DB is very very busy with work at the mo, working late and coming back tired and not in the mood for chat.  So am pretty isolated and meh.  However, getting into work would make me feel better (which even though I know this, doesn't make me motivated!) and he will have finished the evil work tomorrow night.  We can have wine and chill.

I would like to be able to come back on Monday and know where I am at, rather than be as I am now where I am sort of staring at the intro again, not really comprehending or able to visualise the whole chapter, feeling overwhelmed and negative and pootling off to the loo/make coffee/mumsnet.

I also have to remember that this is a rough draft.  Just writing is the main thing, not 'getting it right'.  I also have to remember that after I have submitted the first draft I have six weeks after holiday to edit, and if it takes longer because the draft was a bit shit, it takes longer.  But getting the first draft surely has the be the toughest task.  Editing is easier.

hmmm!

TBH I just want to read my book and feel chuffed about having until dec to do it all!

x J

Oooooh Fab News!

I got an email from Uni today saying that my new submission date is the 31 Dec!

December! 

Actual OMG.

Am delighted!  6 weeks longer than I thought!  This means I can go on holiday in Sept guilt free.  It means I have an extra week at least for each chapter and decent editing time.  It means I can go South in August to my neice's being born bbq :)  Am so chuffed!

I don't want to hand in then at all though.  I would like to hand in before then; maybe mid Nov.  I will have to sort it around when we want to move house, get pregnant again; you know - move on with our lives.  But I also do want to take the time I need to actually get it finished.

So this will be my job today :)

Am so happy!

x J

ps am not going to stop working.  will still be here practically every chuffing day!

Suspended :)

I have my confirmation that I am suspended from Uni until the end of August.

Finally!

Soooo...  I think this means that I should be handing in in the middle of Oct.  I have reached the date 12 Oct but could be anything, am all confused.  Very worried until I find out what actual date I have to work until.

I went to counselling this morning to sort out my Shit.  All very grown up and it was fecking hideous.  I do not want to talk about it with a stranger.  But I have to to sort it all out and be normal and functioning.  Ug.  It has thrown me a bit off actually, and now I have to work and all of a sudden my work feels really pointless and trite.  I just want to watch tv or have a bath and just sort of zone out.  This isn't good, seeing as counselling is supposed to help me work, so I stop fretting about other stuff/letting other stresses leak into my brain and stop me working!  I have to do it though as i have stopped sleeping again in the past few days and nearly had a panic attack after dropping bean off this morning.  Why, I do not know.  But I don't want to go back!  Ever!  Oh dear.

So, what to do now. 

I know.  I am going to do my exercise dvd and work out my horrible feelings :)  Then I shall have a shower and get a sandwich and come and work.  I'll only have an hour and a half :(

Work shall be 10 mins on, 10 mins off and I shall just have to do that, gently gently, for today.  At least it is *something*.  Today's goal is just to put the counselling mardiness behind me; open the chapter; re-familiarise myself with the content.  I don't want to leave today still being unsure about what is in it and being a bit frightened of it.  I want to know what I want to say, why I want to say it and know what my next move is.  Am sad this is all I have time for today, but sometimes this is what happens I guess.

Brilliantly, however, the childminder has offered to have Bean on Monday as she was ill last Thurs.  So I won't lose any of that time as I didn't manage to work over the weekend.  We have been invited to the South for a family do in Aug which I considered going to, despite PhD, and was told by the party-haver that I really don't need to go but should work instead.  So I think I will work and send DB and Beean off and have a long weekend to myself to Get Shit Done.  He doesn't want to go either though!

And so I am suspended!  No library no nuttin'.  eek.  I can't wait to get the PhD done and not be in this crappy hole any more. 

x J

Oh yay

I just realised something I totally have just taken for granted:  I opened my draft and *started working on it straight away*!

I knew exactly how to read it, it obviously made some sense to me and wasn't offensive to my academic eyes, and could see the holes in it straight away - because I knew what I wanted to say.  I just opened it, and started editing!

I don't want to count my chickens yet...  but I really think I might have cracked this chapter :)  That is HUGE!

cheers!

x J

Quick Squizz on a Friday Night

So DB is upstairs having rings run round him by Bean and I am downstairs, with a glass of wine and the news on and am looking through my chapter plan :)

Feelling very virtuous, but actually I really want to be able to feel like I deserve my glass of wine and to do that I have to read through my work and remember that it is any good, so I can relax! 

So, am going to carry on reading and editing my introductory paragraph, which lays out the structure and intent of the chapter.  Then I shall go through the rest of the chapter and see that the intro is right!

Working will be tricky this weekend; I already know I can't do any tomorrow as DB needs to do his VAT...  so will be with Bean.  Maybe I can get a couple of hours in on Sunday, otherwise I will be working late tomorrow night.  Am really worried about it being Thursday and having two weeks to write the whole thing, having pissed away a week :(  i was ahead not so long ago and now I feel I might get behind.  I can't get behind, I just won't let it happen.  I have to hand in in Oct and I need to keep my wits about me - panick-working because I let time slip away (again) will not make a good PhD.  I do want to be able to enjoy this process as much as possible, I can't go back to how frought and upsetting it was a couple of months ago.

x J

Childcare... Not Today!

Oh so I am not working today :(

My childminder is porrly so I am with Beanie today!  which is lovely, of course, but am woefully unprepared for chasing after a toddler today!  I had plans to eat cake with my friend and drink a lovely big coffee, snuggled in a lovely cafe...  then meander home and sit all day doing my work in my own time...  But now I am being mummy and a fireman's pole and an entertainment monkey!  Is all go!

I forgot I had the gas man coming round today and nearly started doing my exercise dvd...  he even has a key to get in, I would never have heard him at the door...  that would have been mightily embarrassing!  I am so relieved I remembered while I was dusting the gas fireplace!  Hehe, nightmare.  Am annoyed though because I really want to do it, and now also I am sitting around waiting for a gas man to appear before I can relax.  hmmf.

Anyway, no work so...  am just glad I left it in a good place!  Can't work tonight even as DB is out tonight playing footie so I am doing bedtime.  Oh well, will just have to make up time at the weekend I guess.  Bugger.

Am starving!  Fishfingers and chips it is :)

Oooh

I did some good work today!  Not much of it, but what I did in my sporadic moments was great! 

I realised another whole section of the lit review I had not thought to put in (!) and now it really does feel very rounded and thorough, but in a focussed all-about-my-thesis way.  Which seems obvious but actually I have found it really difficult not to do That Thing You Are Told Never To Do in exams, which is write about everything you know in the hope you hit a target and get some marks ;0)  This, my friends, is what I did in the chapter of awfulness (discussion).

And the excellent thing is that if I get the outline for this chapter right, which I am within sniffing distance of doing, I shall have the discussion chapter set too.  And having these two chapters done, well, would be AMAZING.  Then I would only have the methodology to really sort out, then the intro and conclusion I am hoping (probably hideously erroneously) will write themselves. 

holy shit, then I could be almost near handing something in!  I might actually be able to put together a thesis!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

butterflies in my stomach thining about it!

So looking forward to coming back to it tomorrow and hopefully, hopefully opening up the doc and being chuffed with the outline I have got and able to start writing.

I am not sure how to 'start writing'.  I think this will be quite a spluttery stammery start.  But for at least two of the five sections of the chapter I know what I want to write, and where the literature is (thanks to my new sub-piles!) and this has to be a good thing.

I also have to go and eat cake with my heavuly preggers friend tomorrow.  (If she doesn't jib out on me like last week!)

I feel really fucking pleased.

 x J

And Back to Writing

I did do some writing before knocking off, I only had about five minutes but managed to get a sentence down that was really important.  Also realised that the plan, as it is, is great but I still don't really know where the chapter is going - or the PhD for that matter.  Why can I not remember what the heck I am doing?!  I have the Sentence of Wonder in front of me, and have worked out a new, better and punchier title for my discussion chapter which means it will need to be re-worked to fit the title (and my thesis!) and will be much better :)  And as the discussion mirrors the lit review this is all progress.

So strange how it all works itself out, incrementally and largely when I am not looking...

Today I have had to take my toddler to task (terrible twos have struck with a vengeance.  Everything is 'no!', 'I don't want to!' and 'I want to do it!' and 'are you cross mummy?').  I have done my 30 day shred workout dvd which has officially killed me and am only on level two.  Only takes 20 mins so is a good one to fit into working.  At 3 I have to take the kitten to the vet to get her last vaccinations.  So I have about 3 hours to work.  That isn't long :(

I want to have organised the intro to the lit review today so tomorrow I can come to it and be absically filling in the gaps with literature and contentions.  having the structure done will be lovely.  I don't like doing this bit, it is veer tricky.

I want coffee and food.  No, really, I do!  Then I shall bring the goods up here to work :)

x J

Nervous About Writing

Does anyone else feel really nervous about opening their work?  And about writing?  I get really nervous!  I have actual butterflies in my stomach about opening the doc (even though is already open) and trying to write!

Am worried:
a) the work won't make any sense any more;
b) I won't have anything to say;
c) the work and the lit I have won't match up and I'll have to do weeks more reading;
d) about being a the bottom of a big ass mountain I have to climb up and up - and wahat if I can't?
e) of getting writer's block and being stuck and missing my deadline.

eek.

All Organised

Righty!

All my notes are organised into mah wee sub-piles of themes.  I am very glad I did this because it isn't anything like as daunting, in fact I don't feel that I have enough literature even though, having done this, I know that all my bases and arguments are covered...  Which is great.  I now know where all my sources are, I can kind of remember which pile anyone might be in so when I am writing can easily access them, and their friends :)

Now I just have to start writing!  I had forgotton how hard it is to start writing.  In fact am really worried that when I look at my plan again it will have nothing to do with my lit/there will be a huge chunk missing.  So I have to jump right in, now and start.  Even if it is just a sentence.  So then tomorrow I can come back to it, open up the file and start writing without dithering...  Oh, but there is always dithering! 

I had my annual review statement through the post today.  It is sad reading.  It used to have words like 'brilliant', and 'excellent progress' and now it has 'suspended' and 'ill health'.  And a vague hand in date of September, which frightens me a bit because I definitely cannot hand in earlier than Oct 12th.  Even that is incredibly tight.  I wish I was good again, like I used to be.  I suppose, really, I just wish I had handed in. 

Anyway, I am glad I am working and as motivated as I can be at this difficult stage. 

I think I will write a sentence or two, get into the swing of where I want to start and then if I have time will slope off for the day and have ten minutes to myself.  Have been up here all day, even ate lunch in front of it (although, of course, have spent a lot of it skiving online!)

Well, better get on!

x J

oops

Being a bit of a skiving twat today. 

Not really done any work yet and didn't hurry back from dropping Bean off either.  Am relishing too much in having some time to myself!  I feel like I am on holiday!

eek.  Will sort out some more piles of notes before lunch.


x J

Edited to add:
Just looked at my lit review plan from last week and it is fabulous.  Was pretty nervous about looklng at it again as obviously, last time I did that it was utter shit.  is great: clear, concise and simple but effective :)

Will dine out on that all day now!

Feeling Behind, but in a Good Way

I know why I am itchy and feeling stressed. 

It is because I am worried about falling behind, but not behind on my actual deadline - that I finish reading lit review stuff by thurs - but my own personal uber-deadline, which is that I want to be writing *before* the deadline of Thurs!  I really want to be writing agin by close of play tomorrow, and properly writing on Weds, so the reading part should only take up a bit of tomorrow.  Tomorrow morning. 

This is a Great Thing.  This is how I work when I am working well, and am motivated.  I like to stay one step ahead of even my own game.  This bodes well.  Well indeed.

x J

Weekend fail :)

Oops, I failed to really do any working this weekend!

I don't really care although the stress is starting to, er, stress me out a bit.  The pressure of this fucking project is intense in these last few months, is like a jealous psycho lover that won't let me be! 

However, the stress must be a good thing: it means I care, that I notice I have to work, and gets adrenaline and a sense of urgency flowing through my veins. 

I did do a bit of work, just putting my literature into smaller more concise piles rather than the seven, foot-high piles of lit I had before.  Now I have lots of little piles but got soooo bored I just walked off!  I think I shall finish it tomorrow but will be more motivated as as soon as I have finished the silly pile-making I will be able to get writing and know exactly what literature is where.  Before, the piles were too big and daunting and lord knew where that particular reference was in the quagmire.  I also have a pile of 'fantastic randoms' which are refs that don't really fit into any particular theme but would link two themes, or are a fabulous alternative viewpoint from a random journal.  These little refs show that I have read around and add nuance to the central debate; they please me.  I was trying to just slot them into my themes before but kept worrying about how I would forget they were there, and I did.  So they have a special place that I will keep looking at.

My toddler and kitten are out in the garden...  there is a fine line between a toddler playing with the kitten and terrorising it...  I am not sure which is going on.

SO I have tomorrow and weds to continue planning the lit review, then thurs I am writing for the next three weeks.  Then it should be done!  That would be an amazing feeling.

I was feeling really worried about it all last night and finally soothed myself by thinking that I am not trying to get a doctorate, I am not trying to be an intellectual, and I am not trying to prove anything to anyone.  All I want to do is hand something in on Oct 12th.  Hand something in.  Anything.  If it is utter shit and I fail, at least I handed something in.  Anything more than that, even a pass with major corrections, would be amazing.  I mean, in the field I want to go into (anything non-academic) I think just having a PhD will be cool, I don't think they would care about re-writes or anything - am pretty sure that is the remit solely of academia.

Just Hand Something In.

x J