Struggling to be Arsed

Arf today I have done some but not much work.

I am so very cross.  I am really cross actually.  What a twat.

I tell you why I haven't done much.  Because it is really easy.  I have in front of me the exact notes I need to complete a substantial chunk of the chapter.  And I know just where the notes are for the next section, and the next and then it is done.  It will take me no time at all, once I get into it.

And I know this and so I am taking the piss, just faffing about when my poor Bean has been in childcare for four days this week and I have missed him and not wanted to take him...  and yet this isn't enough to motivate me :( 

I suppose I am cross with myself out of principle.  Why didn't I write this stuff up?  It should be easy and would be relatively painless if I did it over a few days.  Instead, in my head, the evil child within me just thinks 'well, meh, I will do it all next week, no problems.'

I don't have anyone to tell me off, except me.  Uni have no tabs on me, my sup trusts me to do what I can when I can...  and I am just sat here unable to work.  No one would notice or care whether I finish this chapter next week or not.  And unfortunately, I don't care either.  I hate this PhD, I want it gone, I want it out of my life.  But I don't want to do the work!  I am so distracted; I am the queen of procrastination.  I have no self discipline.  I have no focus or drive.  I plod along, slowly slowly and think 'tomorrow will be better' but it isn't.  Today I have 15 mins before I finish to get Bean and then won't be able to work again until Tuesday (am away for the weekend, can't wait). 

But then again, I just know in my heart that I haven't fucked up as such, I have just wasted time.  Wasting time is no crime and actually I have done some stirling work after apparently time wasting - there is a lot to be said for giving time for the subconcious to mull things over.  No, really.  I haven't missed a deadline, and the deadlines I have set are, indeed, my own.  So maybe I should be pleased that I am working at all, when technically I am suspended from Uni on sick leave and am in therapy for fuckedupishness.  I have deadlines I don't have to have, am cross on some level that I am going to overrun it (although I do have time to spare, with current deadlines I intend to submit 6 weeks early) which does show some level of caring and motivation, and anyway, the world will not end.  I also know that secretly I am thinking about not going to the South at the beginning of august because I don't want to be there when certain other people are, or share a bedroom with DB AND Bean (we don't sleep is just awful) and would rather spend the four odd days up here on my todd catching up on work eating.

So I am sneakily ok.  Still crap effort though, and obviously am worried that if I don't work in this time, when I was *sure* I would work hard, then who is to say I will work well next week or if I miss the South trip? 

I dunno.  Anyway, I am leaving my chapter in a grand place, it is easy to write now and hopefully next week I shall return from my weekend refreshed and re-motivated.  Am not going to beat myself up but am going to skip away from work, get my darling boy and have a wonderful long weekend :)

x J