Maternity leave :0)

I LOVE maternity leave!

Can't recommend it enough! The days are flying by, I am so busy but only doing silly things like making cakes and going for walks and seeing friends (have made some lovely new friends! Boozy ones - though not at the mo as we all pregnant!). Did have a major Ikea session last week which lasted for daaaaays - making the cot and drawers and washing all Beanies clothes... We are 37 weeks now! So he is full term and all ready to come out which is such a relief.

Am still keeping an eye on all my Uni emails of course and have found a conference I could present at in June... abstracts are only 500 words and not in till march... so am thinking about it! And all the copenhagen summit stuff has meant I am thinking about my climate change chapter and actually quite excited as all the politicians are putting sticking plasters on a serious issue while trumpteting themselves as global humanitarians. My claws are out! Is lovely having time off because it makes me realise how much my work is a hobby and something that I do enjoy. The work itself is a slog, but the topic and research is great. I love it. But then I love it because I can leave it :0)

Making stock for a soup today, reading the paper, crawling around with my backache and HUGE belly, and going for a walk in the crisp sunshine later. Perfect.

Hope you all well!

x J

Done and Dusted

Sooooo, I have taken down my notice board and removed all my personal effects from my desk... and replaced them with DBs things... have moved a couple of bits and bobs so it is more 'spare roomy' and am officially kicked out!

Strange... Am not quite used to it yet but will be come Monday I reckon.

I cannot believe that I have no work now until September next year. Well, I say that but then this morning after months of silence I got an email from a possible translator person saying they have done the translation - well, have got someone else to do it. So I will have to get it off this new person, check it and I guess, pay them and should give them the rest if it is good, strike while the iron's hot. I haven't actually budgeted for that and if I am suspended from Uni, will I get it refunded?! It's christmas and am up against it financially as it is lol. Harrumph! I haven't actually heard from Uni yet about my maternity leave either, some kind of written confirmation that I am on mat leave and that I will be paid would be really appreciated! And will my uni card work any more? I just don't know.

Oh well, it would be impossible not to keep my hand in in some way anyway. Can you do a PhD and have time off?! Unless you are on a desert island or something... where there is email access there is work... I realised this morning that I just don't do time off, not proper, proper time off. Sometimes I have managed a week in spain or whatever, but still think about work and have even, gulp, taken work with me. When I went to Guatemala I was also working. Always thinking and working on it. BUT is only for now, tying up loose ends. When I have my baby I think I will be too busy to work ;0)

Laters!

x J

Same old Same old!

Well, this was meant to be my last week before I started maternity leave... And it still is my last week - but I haven't done any work!

So embarrassed, I am officially the crappest PhD student in the history of PhD students. Seeing as I don't study my PhD... BUT in my defence I have realised maybe it is because I don't have to?!

I was under orders from my sup to write as much down as I can now, before going on maternity leave. Which I thought was a fab idea and each day this week I have gone to do just that - to no avail... So I went for a walk yesterday to clear my head and get some focus and motivation for the afternoon after yet another unproductive morning, but came back none the wiser. THEN it occured to me last night that perhaps I have nothing to splurge?! That perhaps I am organised and up to date with my work and have no 'loose ends'? Seeing as whenever I think to do some writing I think 'oh, well I have that written in my chapter plan' or 'I have that down already'. Albeit in note form, but there nonetheless and ready for some fluffing when I have reaquainted mytself with the sources better etc. I know exactly where I am with each chapter and even each chapter has in it at least a thousand words of guff I tend to add as I go along, after sup meetings and when I rejig my chapters.

So maybe I am not working because the work is already done! Am not saying I have written out to the Nth degree everything I can think of to do with my PhD, that would be silly. But I have written out everything I can that doesn't need hours of reading and books around me for references or new source material.

So my plan now is to dismantle my room ;0) I cannot wait. Unfortunately DB needs the room for his office now, but hopefully won't need as much room as me and I will still take down my notice board, calender and bits and bobs and put them in my drawers. I will check that each of my chapter draws is looking tidy and accessible (they are) , that they have book lists in them if necessary, and a brief explanation of where I am at with that chapter (all done as I went along). As long as I feel I can come back to it ok. I do want a certain level of mystery, I will need to get everything out and pore through it still,l after 9 months off, but hopefully this will all serve to reignite my brain fires and get me back into it - I won't be able to just plough on with it just from a chapter synopsis and book list anyway.

So think I am done! Will spend this afternoon packing stuff up and turning the room into a spare room and mini office for DB to work in - he is in Cornwall at the mo as his grandad passed away. He will be back this weekend and banished upstairs to work - I can't possibly relax and be on holiday when he is in the sitting room working away, taking work calls and huffing and puffing with stress etc. Is awful and makes me feel really guilty just lazing about reading or making cakes.

So that's me! Will probably come back for a whine and undoubtedly post a picture of my lickle baby when it comes... only 4/5 weeks now till my due date! Can't wait to give into the warm fuzziness that is baby brain... And can't wait to come back next year and carry one working, completel my PhD and be Dr Mum! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

x J

Wheeeeeee!

I heard from my Sup and he sent me such a lovely email!

He reckons my plan to take mat leave from the 1 Dec is very sensible and to spend the time I have left writing down as much as I can, however rough. This I shall do. He also said that he will still be at Uni at the beg of Sept when I return (my new return-to-work date) so I can see him then, instead of worrying now about any official handover to a new team of Sups! *Brilliant*

AND then he said that I can't count on geting rid of him anyway because there is a part time job in the offing for looking after motherly PhD students! - Me! - Wheee! So he isn't going to completely leave me anyway but still be there unofficially (I reckon) to help. Excellent!

This is the best news ever. He doesn't say anything about wanting me to see him before going on Mat leave but tells me to have a lovely time. Not having to go into uni again would be brilliant - is up the most enormous hill, even bigger than my bump! Is a long way for a preggers lady. Am so happy, I can now spend this week writing whatever is in my head and putting my notes away, knowing that is what is best for my return. I can look forward to my mat leave with my Sup's blessing and look forward to my return, being in capable hands. If my Sup is going to help me finish too then I *have* to finish, I was slightly worried about being left to my own devices too much and disappearing off the radar.

Am so pleased, so pleased!

My village is swathed in mist today, it looks like something out of harry potter. Am going to go for a walk and then come home and have a bath and later light the fire and watch silly tele. Much the same tomorrow, then Monday will get writing anything I know that may be of use when I come back in Sept. Next week is my last week! Then am freeeeeee to have my baby. No worries about research groups, about work, about disgruntled supervisors, about being a big fat unproductive skiver.

Hurray! :0)

x J

Handed in notice...

I chickened out yesterday, but just now I managed to write and send my email to my Sup saying I am going to take maternity leave from the end of next week!

I told him what I had been up to, what I was planning to do and how will arrange myself for my return next year. Also let him know that I will come and see him whenever he fancies, am just not going to be working full-time on my research any more but can still come into Uni for meetings. Hope to seem like I am wanting to work but just can't as am too pregnant, but am flexible and willing to be available still if he wants to chat. I expect I will need some kind of handover to a new supervisor too - so don't know if I need to sit down with them and go through my work or not. Arg, that is nasty! I really just want to pack it all up now, am losing my mind over to baby-ness as we speak!

Can't wait to have his reply, even though I am really scared of it, so I can start to know where I stand and what my plans are going to be for next week. I told him I wasn't free on Mon or Tues as Tues I have a scan etc and I want Monday to do any planning for our meeting.

My baby has hiccups! Am huge now and is very hard not to just feel pregnant all the time. I am so happy I have made my decision to stop work at 35 weeks of pregnancy so I can relax and enjoy what little time I have left to myself and get organised for the bean's arrival! I can't believe how fast time has gone since I got pregnant... But I am pleased with what I have achieved - I have written two chapters properly, planned and become comfortable with the final thesis, been to India to complete my fieldwork and done my first international conference presentation. It is half-written. Not bad going for a preggers PhD student.

My first ever brand new washer dryer is coming today :0) Am sooooo excited and can't wait to load it up with beanie's nappies and clothes. Haven't wanted to wash them in my old washing machine as it is second hand and really manky. Not for my baby, no! So today is quite a symbolic day of ending one style of life, where the PhD takes precedence as it has done for the past three years, to one where Beanie and baby-brain take over (for the meantime...)

Hurray!

x J

Change of Plan

Soooooo, I have made a Big Decision today and am delighted.

After yet another day of non-work I decided that I will bring my maternity leave forward to the beginning of December rather than waiting until the 18 Dec. I just can't work - I don't want to work, I can't bring myself to care about it! I don't want to read about aid in India, about politics about *anything*. This is soooo unlike me, I love my job and my research and cannot think of any reason why I am being like this. I have had time off, I have got a plan, I am not stressed etc etc. All I can think is that I am just too pregnant. I am not always sleeping well - or at all even, some nights I sleep from 2-5 and get up! - I am getting some scary contraction feelings and can't work the day after that as I am, well, worried! I just want to sleep, eat, read, plan for Bean and potter about. Doing nothing in particular. Let my mind run free.

I spoke to an eminently sensible friend who has done a PhD and then had two babies and she reckons that this time of the pregnancy is hard to be anything other than pregnant and a bit dopey, and that when I come back I will probably work harder than I could ever do now and am so likely just to get the job *done*. My time to work will be so precious I won't waste it like I do now. And I will complete it. I WILL. So I am going to talk to my Sup about bringing the mat leave forward. This will have to be unofficial, though seeing as uni breaks up for xmas on the 18th is only two weeks out and I won't miss anything but the dept xmas party - and more importantly, they won't miss me. Then I would, also unofficially, return at the beginning of Sept and so be there for the beginning of term which would be more useful than returning at the beginning of Oct anyway. Just means a month less of being with Beanie full time, but I honestly think that would be preferable to the guilt I feel wasting time now. I feel *so* guilty and cr*p. Anyway, I won't be without Bean, I'll just be working too.

I hope my supervisor lets me go for it. The thought of being able to spend the next week winding down, tidying eveything up and then not having it hanging over my head is amazing. A joy! I just can't do it any more! I am going to go to my sup with timelines and thesis plans for my return, a chapter plan and outlines, printouts of completed chapters so far (or at least a synopsis of each chapter, working biblios and word count). I shan't make it sound like I am ducking out, but that it is best for all and I will return with huge verve and, usefully, a brain that isn't obssessed by babies ;0)

Exciting! I shall organise it all tomorrow and email him.

Other than that, today I emailed my RA to ask him if he has done any translations and asked about my mat leave at the uni.

Tomorrow will be so much better than today!

x J

Monday monday

Hmmm. I didn't work today! I worked hard on Friday am, then went for a swim with a friend. DB was in Cornwall as his granddad has been terribly ill but then he drove back on Saturday night as I had some weirdness with a creepy neighbour over the road and his family were being a bit intense.

So I didn't work on the weekend as I had planned and today has been, I have to admit, awful. I sat down to quickly read some emails and get on with some reading, and haven't got off the computer! How do I do this to myself?

Is so funny (as in stupid, not ha-ha) too because this is what happens after every big peice of work. I work really hard, get the work done, then have some structured time off, and still have more time off when I come back to work. Is anyone else like this?! Doing a PhD takes sooo much time, and in fact time is what I don't actually have. yest I do, I know I do and this is why I skive. I wish I could dupe myself into thinking I *have* to work. It has been three weeks since I did any proper work :0(

I have five weeks before I leave Uni totally for maternity leave (18 Dec). That's nothing! I wonder what it is I want to have achieved in this time. I feel blue and cast asunder (yes, cast asunder!) because I haven't been in Uni for ages, nor do I want to go in (keep missing the research groups as they are on Weds avo and I am never here for some reason) but I feel guilty; because this is my last few weeks with my Sup before he leaves, because I haven't done what I wanted to do, which is finish this chapter last week and be on the next and final one... I feel bad about all this but unable to rectify anything and so am a bit blue. Basically I shouldn't feel guilty about the research groups, I have a PhD to finish and a baby on the way - anyway, I really haven't been here on that day. I just worry my Sup is slagging me off in his head (daft, daft). I can't stop Sup leaving nor can I make up reasons to go to see him if I have none just to use his time while he is available. I can't do what I wanted to do as this chapter is going to take MONTHS not weeks to do properly. Realising this is development in itself, not a failing. And I can't do the next chapter without having done this one and well!

Basically I feel bad I think because I hate this chapter and have to knuckle down and get on with it but really, really don't want to. All I want to do is loll about, reading and being pregnant - even though doing that every day would drive me mad with boredom. I think I have a touch of pre-holiday excitement, you know when you are off on holidays/leaving your job or something and your motivation flys out of the window as you sit around daydreaming?!

Ok, I shall not go online for the week in working hours and shall read, then I will feel so much better! I will feel in control, like a good student and not like a money-wasting skiver. I have to start working now anyway, I have so little time left!

x J

Ummm

Well, I worked yesterday! Worked quite well in fact and wrote out my final work plan for between now and when I stop working on the 18 Dec...

Realised I will only get this chapter done, which means I will have only half of the PhD finished. This is not good considering I was meant to have it *all* done... but is good when you think that it is the 'hard' half of analysis and thinking. I will have the discussion chapter to write, though a lot of that is already written and planned; and the intro and concl, and lit review - not too mentally taxing. So am hopeful and scared at the same time, which is pretty much the story of my PhD life.

Went to a 'bumps and babes' meeting this morning with some other 'bumps', sat a very hot room and had a coffee and chat and it was all very strange. Am really finding it hard to equate Bean with being an actual human being. It was a bit, well, mumsy too but as long as I get to stick with my bump friends that should be ok - they are pretty cool and not at all mumsy - phew! The glimpse of my future was pretty scary out of context... lots of holding of babies, feeding, lots of plastic accoutrements (prams and car seat carrier things and play mats), baggy clothes, big thighs, big boobs, straggly hair and jaffa cakes. This is *not* me. But then, when I have my own bean I may well be that person but just one in a group of many - not to be confused or cameoflaged by them... I can maybe see why women fret about losing their identity when they have a wean. I guess it depends who you hang out with - I don't have to go back to that church hall-style group but maybe find myself a more funky one that includes a glass of wine or a newspaper or something... !!

Workwise I haven't done any today. DB has had to go to cornwall as his grandad is dying. I haven't gone as I am banned by DB as the car is horribly uncomfy for me and bean now, and I really need this few weeks to get my reading for this chapter done. He wasn't very close to the grandad - he is going for formality and to be there for his family really and should, I hope, be home soon. Is a bit of a surprise though and am home all alone for the forseeable. I don't like it much but then again it is a good excuse to hole up and do some work. And I am making friends aroundabout and am off to bumps and babes again next thurs so shall see some people then for a social.

Well, I should try and get back into my work for the last hour of the day! Ug, I really didn't mean to have the whole day off. Tomorrow I will impose my laptop ban again in the morning and get into the swing of work. I find it depends what I start doing in the beginning of the day that sets the tone - if I start it by checking emails etc, that is what I do all day then. If I start by doing work then I will generally work all day. Am officially not seeing a sausage tomorrow, so will get my head down good and proper...

Funny it has taken me three years to work that out.

x J

Ps. I ordered our washer dryer today! Am ridiculously excited about getting my first very own, not second-hand electrical appliance. It will work, be quiet and efficient, will be clean and will be ALL mine! And it is a dryer! So we can dry beanies nappies. Am just stupidly pleased about it ;0)

Not quite back yet, but back!

So the in-laws left today which heralds the end of my lovely LOVELY week off; doing nothing but making cakes and stews and cleaning my house and pottering and reading :0) How lovely - lord knows when I shall be abel to do such things again with a baby on the way and a PhD to finish...

So am pretty refreshed and my mind has put my last chapter to bed properly - am a lovely clean slate for the new chapter... Was meant to work today but spent the day sorting the house out from our guests and getting the spare room back to being my office! Tomorrow I am working from 9.30 - 1pm and then off into the City to see DBs new office! He has got an actual office, no more working in the same house together! Am sad about this as I will miss his company (though he is only going in to it about 3 times a week) but is great if it means he leaves his work outside the front door, can work when we have Bean and it will help me work too as I wil be bored on my todd otherwise. No one to distract me or for me to make cups of tea/fancy lunches for!

I have about 3 weeks of full time proper working left before I reconsider according to how I am feeling and it is all going. I will then go part time until the end of term - which is the 18 Dec! So late, is a bit annoying really. On the one hand I am wanting as much time as possible to work, on the other I am so keen to have at least a week to myself again before we are on popping duty - what if I have the baby before the 18 Dec? I would then be going from work to baby without any kind of break which would be sad. So beginning of Dec I think I shall relax more than I work, but keep my hand-in...

Anyway... is so hard not to just be pregnant all the time now - am the size of a bungalow and growing all the time! It is dark and wintery and I am adoring cooking and cleaning and being terribly domesticated. Work doesn't really fit into it! Eek! Don't tell my Sup!

Will work hard tomorrow am - may not be online as I have reading to do that is offline, and thinking too, and don't want to be distracted. Every minute counts at the mo!

x J

love time off :0)

Just popping in to brag about my lovely time off (not entirely guilt free but whatever)...

It is working a treat! Managed to get out for a walk today which I never feel I have time for when am working as it makes me sooo tired, and have been daydreaming and being all pregnant. Realised today that I am finally forgetting about my paper and last chapter topic as well as the chapter I want to start - this is great news. Great I am forgetting about the last chapter as it means it won't be cramming my mind any more, and fine about forgetting the new one as it means I am not stressing about it or getting confused about the different strands of it. I am a clean slate.

I am also becoming resigned to the fact that there is no way I am going to be as ready to go on mat leave as I hoped/anticipated. All I can say to make myself feel better about this is that the work I *have* been doing is of good quality and won't need much attention on my return. Is no point having done lots of chapters that then need a heck of a lot of revision, that actually would be worse than having done a few well. Am sad for my Sup as I worry he will be disappointed but then DB reminds me that he hasn't worried before, wasn't worried recently (in fact the opposite, was keen reassure me I was doing fine) and if he *was* worried now he hasn't piped up! Am really very sad though because I only have 6 odd weeks of him being my sup left. Gosh this makes me sad. End of an era for me, he has been my mentor and friend in all this since I was 25 :0( Oh well, I was always going to have to say goodbye at some stage.

Have also realised that I think I may be a bit more pregnant than the docs think, so due around xmas rather than new year. After a girl that is a month ahead of me preggers-wise popped her bubs surprisingly yesterday I am thinking that maybe I should start realising how close to the end I really am! I could go any time from early Dec and not be considered unusual! So I will really work hard from next week and then pack everything up and go seriously part-time in Dec until I feel I can't work any more/have finished this chapter (hope, hope) whichever comes sooner...

Anyway, am sloping off now to hunt down some dins!

x J

Transition week

I have decided to have a transition week, which is basically a nice way of saying I am having it off ;0)

We were meant to be going to cornwall this week but DB decided not to... so we went to my mums last night and went out for beeday dins for my sis and came home today. Thought this was a good idea as it gives me more time for my work until I realised this am that actually I was dreading coming home - the whole house is like my office and the thought of coming home just to sit at that desk and try and work out what the heck is going on with chapter was awful! So talked with DB and decided he will work upstairs and I will take off two days fully, to slob about and get my head and motivation together. The last chapter and presentation and paper etc was a *big* deal, and the culmination of a lot of work and concentration, I am not a robot and can't really expect to be able to just sit down again a week later and just start working really hard on a new chapter. I need a bit more time than that, to exorcise the last chapter and focus on the new one. So am not working this week! Will chill until Thursday properly, then may do some planning work on Thurs/fri - not in my office though - and come back on Monday raring to go, with the whole climate change malarky behind me and fieldwork analysis in front. It is not about being bored or procrastinating, is an active break away to recharge my batteries. Hurrah!

I am confident this will work so am determined to make my house my relaxation space again - not my office!

x J

Am orf

Hmmm, I did a bit of reading but nothing worth mentioning really...

Am going to leave it now and just see it as one of those weeks - part of the messy, incoherent transition from one chapter to another. Is so hard to just jump straight into another chapter - they demand so much creativity, work and commitment each that is pyschologically impossible to just start a new one without a break. What counts as a break is hard too, I had last week off in the lake district so that should have been enough... but wasn't. This week I have sat at my desk from 9.30am to at least 4.30pm each day and done little other than planning and realising this chapter will not be as quick as I thought but needs proper commitment and time. I am off to see my folks on Sunday and then to Cornwall to see the in laws for the last time before popping and will be back on Thursday. I will do planning and organising on Friday and then work properly on Monday. It is annoying and makes me stressed that I am wasting time and have too much work to do for a week off... but then again maybe it is exactly what I need, to get away from it and come back to it having had a decent stretch of a few weeks to put the previous chapter to bed and start this new one. I can hardly remember what this chapter is on, I am still half in and out of my old one!

Is only because I have the deadline of my Maternity leave that I am stressy. But then again, I can only do what I can do - I say this time and time again and always, *always* get the work done. Not to the inital schedule, admittedly, but I reach the desired standard which is more important and anyway, I have never ever been reproached for tardiness.

Righty. Am going to try and believe all this so I can spend my weekend and week off without flogging myself with guilt. Bah, it'll be fine. I'll do a little plan for myself now to prove it ;0)

x J

Umph

Well, yesterday was rubbish, so rubbish I had nothing to post.

Just sat around procrastinating really, really hard all day. I didn't have much sleep and just couldn't be bothered. Then comes along today... Thanks to my blooming pregnancy I went to sleep at 1.30am, woke at 5am and got up at 6am, unable to sleep at all - wide, wide awake. 3.5 hours sleep. Why? Whyyyyy? We all know I don't get up until 9am! Wasn't the Bean, he was fast asleep until 8am bless him.

So I am shattered, having had to spend the morning in front of GMTV - a televisual phenomenon hitherto foreign to me and boy I am glad I don't have to watch it every day. What drivel! They are so gloomy! Just talk about tragedy with no positive spin on anything. A good example is a random section where a girl who had had a negative reaction to a hair dye kit from Boots (Boots, you know - they made a thing about that like Boots had done it On Purpose) was on, with a picture of her (now healed and just dandy) burnt face. Well, the interviewer wasn't letting her tell her 'it turned out ok' story, no, instead she kept pointing out little scars on her face and drawing attention to how vile it all was. For what purpose? And Dr Hilary Jones was on whining about the automated services on phones. Why Dr? Why? And in between these things was the weather. Lots of weather. And adverts for CDs of music from soldiers in honour of those fallen in Afghanistan. UG.

Anyway, rant over.

Am completely starving.

I have all this work to do and I can honestly say I can hardly bear to look at it, let alone do any of it. Please let it be 4.30! I just want to slump in front of the tv with lots of food that is terribly bad for me. Pizza and chippies! yes, yes.

So, today my mission is to do *any* work!

Ug, hate it.

x J

Printing and organising

I have spent the day printing out reports and finding info and am getting quite a reading list...

I didn't want to have to print lots out, will use up all my ink! But then again, I can't read it all off the internet, it will take at least twice as long to write it all out as highlight it, let alone hving the temptations of the laptop!

Will carry on printing for a bit then head off. Is so weird working when it is so dark outside! feels really late!

x J

Why oh Why

Is it never easy?!

After mulling over the future of this chapter last night I spent the whole evening in a total sulk having realised there was no way out of it: I am going to have to start this chapter again from scratch. That I have lost the notes doesn't really matter, reading the reports again is a very good idea anyway. I haven't looked at them for about 2 years so need to reaquaint myself with them and write better notes more suited to the way/direction in which I think now. (Still sulking about it though.) I have my original chapter and the references which are all online so know where to start. It will take me ages though, although I know it will be worth it and I will have a very good chapter to come back to. But it is sad that I will probably have half of the PhD done instead of the 'most' I wanted. Crippins.

I do know that I would rather come back and have the discussion chapter to do as that is actually interesting and the point of the whole PhD, rather than facing this chapter. Again.

Hmmph.

x J

Why is it never easy?!

Arf, doing a PhD takes so LONG!

I started re-reading what I have already for my chapter, reading some of my fieldwork journals and just getting to grips with how I want the chapter to go... and it turns out the writing I have so far is *ok* but not great; I need to re-read the source material to tighten it up. Great, that will take weeks. BUT, I also need to FIND this source material! I have the references, and are all reports from the internet. This is fine, but where are the notes I would have written on these 40 page+ reports?! I would have definitely written notes! And I have none. So do I re-read and re-write the notes, or stare around my room trying to work out where the hell the notes are?! I am loathe to start from scratch :0( It took me aaaaages before, and I remember by the end I was *sick* of reading these reports. They are so long I have to read them on my comp too which means they can't be annotated easily but I have to write out quotes etc in longhand. UG! There are LOADS of notes missing. Practically a whole chapter's worth. Which means they *must* be somewhere. But where? I have moved them into storage and into a new house since I last saw them :0( . Starting again would be a blessing in the way that I could do with getting to grips with this all from scratch, with my new knowledge and am just better at my job so the notes would also be better. (I wasn't very critical of the reports before, as they were 'local' so I assumed they were benign and less political than international reporting. This is naive though.) BUT, but, but. The reports are sooooooo long, detailed and boring!

I am going to go and have a think. SO yes, I have lost the notes (idiot), but the fact I need them anyway to read again from the start is quite a shocker - though how I didn't anticipate this I don't know. Then I have more reading to do from sources I found in India, and then I have my research to feed in. All of a sudden, instead of being a quick recap of a chapter it is turning into having a write a full chapter from scratch.

Now, I can either do this, or I can not. I really, really want to have the discussion chapter done before going on maternity leave. If I do this chapter in detail then there is no way I will have time for both. But, then again, how can I write a good discussion chapter without, er, the meat for the discussion fully researched?!

D'oh. I have to do this properly don't I? Pain in the BUM!

Where are those notes?!!

Right, am off for a think about how to do this.

I am so tired!

x J

Hmmmm

I did bu*ger all today!

Nothing! I read about the Bean... (only ten weeks to go until my due date! Is starting to occupy my thoughts a lot as you can imagine. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I am working full time until at least the beginning of Dec, though really until term ends on the 18 Dec. Then shall wind up for xmas and holeeeday!) Well, I sorted out that paper for the journal. It is the first day back after a week off so just sitting here is pretty good! (Look at me trying to cheer my lazy arse up!)

Tomorrow I will work, honest. May mean not turning on the laptop though.

To be honest, I really don't want to trawl through my old fieldwork nonsense. Reading journals etc. So time consuming and to glean what? And I don't *like* it, it makes me feel creepy - I think because of my Step Dads death at the end of it all. Just don't want to think about it much. But I have to! Sigh. I shall think on it tonight and turn myself on to it.

ALSO, I have just realised, I *always* have a few weeks of active procrastination between chapters. Weeks! Then the deadline looms (whatever it is, meeting with Sup/Conference/going away on fieldwork etc) and I get busy. Sugar, I really have to make sure I don't slip into this - in weeks' time it will be mid november and I have two chapters to write before I stop work on the 18 Dec. Come ON!

Ok, maybe I shall arrange to send it to Sup for 16 Nov. Lordy, even without procrastination I am in the middle of Nov! This week = work; next week I am away! It is my sister's beeday so am going to spend Sunday with my family en route to my last visit to the inlaws (and only my second during my pregnancy so they are keen to see me and Bump as you can imagine) in cornwall, before we have a Bean. We are there until Weds/Thurs next week. So if I have the whole of the next week and weekend that brings me to the 16 Nov! O.M.G. There is no way I am stopping work in the beginning of Dec then. I definitely have to get my discussion chapter down before Mat leave.

Sheeeeeeit.

x J

Back to work!

I had a lovely week off and now am back to work! Had a lovely extra hour this morning of course, with the clocks going back yesterday, except I went to sleep very late last night so woke up at 9.30. Thought 'oh, it doesn't matter, it is actually 8.30,' and snuggled down for more snoozy then realised I had changed my clock so it really was coming up to 10am.

So far this morning then I have checked my banks and, as I suspected, I am skint. Have also skimmed through my paper for the conference (yuk, again, am sick of it) and submitted it for publication though it won't be accepted as am up against some Proper Names in the Field - nice try anyway ;0)... Turns out the original paper I wrote before the conference really was only for the eyes of other panellists and the chair. Now I have to write a proper paper for publication but luckily I have already done it so sent that off and now, really honestly now, I shall never look at it again. PHEW!

So today I am going through my fieldwork info! I have two weeks to write it up... I have about 3,000 words of this chapter written already, as info from local NGOs and papers etc. I now need to add my interview findings and bring the total up to 8,000 which should be doable. Although I only have two weeks I really just need to get down what I can, so I have at least a skeleton for this chapter that I can then fill out when *someone* - ANYONE - translates my interviews for me! Oh well, I have a year... I shall use the notes I have for now and my journal and own interviews to create an idea of what peeps think and feel about the aid effort. Is a strange coincidence that I am starting this on the same day we had packed up and travelled to london to go to India last year... I was so excited! Now I couldn't bear doing it all again - all that unpredictability and strangeness! But it was great at the time, we had so long! From now until April! What a trip. So much has changed since then. Doing fieldwork is so good for helping you grow up in your PhD I reckon. It really taught me about how unpredictable and uncontrollable doing research is, and how the info is beyond your making really. But also taught me to relax about this and just get on with it each day as best I could. I made some mistakes - settling in a city wasn't that useful, I was never going to fit in culturally, I volunteered in a position that gave nothing to my research for too long out of politeness and fear (much more gumption and assertion now! I would be out of there!), and didn't assert my goals in the volunteering org early or clearly enough - I was very polite and acted though I really was there to volunteer rather than get soemthing out of them back. I also believe that research trips cannot be compared. Yours will be *yours* and you can't compare how you did on it with other peeps. You have different strengths and weaknesses and these really come out in research. You also have enironmental constraints/opportunites that differ. Travelling and seeing the region was a brilliant idea, if I hadn't done that when I could I would have no idea of anything. Seeing really is believing, even on a whirlwind tour. I also had a lot of FUN, going out, meeting people and making friends, settling in to a routine and relaxing. I shouldn't have felt so guilty about that. Mainly though, it is hard bloody work as you can never leave the field until you leave the country. You are always looking around you for info and everyone you speak to could be a potential informant. It is *exhausting*! However much I whine about India I would not change the experience for the world. It was amazing, and in the end it worked! I did research!

So better have a look at it.

So angry with my RA. Still. How long will this simmer for?!

x J

The Presentation...

It went really well! I did it! It is done! I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Literally got in the door about half an hour ago, to my lovely warm cosy house :0) So happy! The night before the presentation I went out to my friend's dinner party which was *amazing*, the food was delicious and it was just great to see all my friends - and show off my bump! Left at about 2am and got a taxi back to my mate's flat where I lay awake all night until 6am, when I managed to sleep until 7.20am and then lay awake until it was time to get up... It was horrific. During my hour long sleep I dreamt about being late for the presentation and having all my clothes in a locker with no key... typical stress dreams! Was so stressed out but felt better once I had left the house, on time, and was on my way. Found the venue easily and got there with 5 mins to spare, found the lecture theatre where the intro was being held and which would be where my presentation would be... it was a lovely theatre and quite small, so probably about 200 people at the entire conference? I realised if there are about 4 panels occuring at the same time then shan't be as many people as I feared. The panel was on a plinth, behind a lovely big desk and the presentations were done behind a big lecturn that came up to your shoulders! Nicely hidden. Couldn't have been more comforting really. So I started to breathe again... found my Sup straight away who was with a couple of peeps from the panel and my Uni and sat with them and just stayed in that lecture theatre until lunchtime... went for a walk to expel some nervous energy and made myself eat some sandwich and a biscuit (very proud of myself!) and then it was time! Sat up on the plinth and was ok - I didn't have the dry mouth or twitchy eye but was a bit shaky and cold (typical nerves). I was last up to do my reading and realised mine was so much more of a 'presentation', when the others' were all more like lectures, or sort of overviews of their papers. A lot of the others also seemed relatively unprepared, either rattling through their speeches or running wildly over time. Mine was bang on 10 minutes, didn't need to be told to hurry up, read it out slowly and clearly and maintained eye contact across the room. People seemed to be enjoying it - as in they weren't yawning/fiddling with things/talking - but listening, my colleagues (I know, but they are now I suppose!) were smiling and the people on my panel I could see out of the corner of my eye seemed very engaged. So I took heart from that and just got on with it. When I finished I went to sit down and one guy on my panel, an *amazing* academic who is incredibly famous in my field and who I am in awe of nodded his approval at me (whoopee!) and my Sup was beaming and said it was terrific! Terrific no less! He is not a complimenter, he says either bad things or that it is good, but doesn't gush or anything. I was so pleased! And the discussant chappie picked my paper out in particular while summing up and said that he really enjoyed it and that it was very good and succinct and some other lovely things that I can't remember. It couldn't have gone any better. I was asked a couple of questions and answered ok, not very well really - If I could have answered them straight away it would have been better but you get a few questions in a row then have to answer them as a panel one by one so can be a good 20 mins before you get to answer it, by which time I had overthought it and forgotton my answers so sort of fluffed and guffed. Afterwards I went to the coffee break to schmooze and a couple of other people said they really liked it too! Brilliant stuff. After that I stayed for the rest of the day and finally left at about 6.30 - I was falling asleep and completely starving so thought it best I nick off! Had a lovely evening feeling as light as a feather that it was all done, and watching x factor and eating chilli with my friends :0)

And now I am home! Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and happy! Am going to sleep well tonight and sleep in tomorrow, have a bath and slob around reading my book and eating! Am on holiday for the week now, DB is home tomorrow evening and we are off for our few days in the lakes on Tues am.

I just feel brilliant that i have done my first conference presentation, that I worked hard for it and it paid off, but also that it was a positive experience (not the compliments, that I could *do* it without vomiting!) and so next time it should be a bit easier. Maybe I'll sleep the night before the next one... I feel like I have done another initiation test for Uni and passed another test to be a grown up in my field (not that I want to be an academic!). Also, the mega famous guy on my panel is going to be my external examiner! My Sup is friends with him and asked him if he would do it and he said he would like to! We disagree on one point I made which is great, makes me realise that I have got to the stage now where I am not writing to be told that my work has merit or not, it is taken for granted that I can say what I want to say - it is what I am saying that is taken to task. I am taken seriously! Haha! What a joke!! ;0)

So all is good for now. Another milestone reached and passed and some time off is well deserved!

x J

Getting better... :0)

I did the presentation in front of DB and am feeling much *much* better about it all now.

I was so nervous, he suggested I do it and I said no, am feeling way too fragile today and figured it is too late to change anything now anyway. Then I thought about it and it made me so nervous I thought I really should do it, give it a go and see how it works out. So I did and bizarrely started crying after the intro, I felt so unsure and shy about it. Silly rabbit. Then got up some steam and carried on. I wasn't brilliant, I was quiet and a bit fidgety and I couldn't really practice looking up as I would just have to keep looking at him, all earnest like, and it would make me feel very silly, so sometimes I looked out of the window which just made me look a bit bored I suppose. Anyway, he said it was good and that even he (as in non-IR) managed to get the point of it and it didn't feel like 10 minutes. Very good, can't be too boring then. We talked about it a bit more and he gave me some nice feedback and reassured me that it was good and I should be pleased with it. I feel a lot better for this, and for having my panic attack when doing it in front of him and not waiting until the day.

Feel sooooooo much better. Like a cloud has lifted. It is surprising how important having someone listen to it and not laugh or throw things at me or look at me like I am mental is.

Roll on Saturday! ug.

x J

Cripes

Ug, I have been up since 7am as there was an almighty bang and a car crash outside our house! Luckily no one was hurt, DB ran outside to see if he could help anyone and I stayed in bed all freaked out. Was horrible actually.

Didn't get back to sleep and am now feeling achy and shivery and nasty. I really, really don't want to be ill! What on earth should I do if I have flu tomorrow? Should I stay at home or go with my germs?! Would I need a doctors note? Doctors won't see you if you have flu actually, you have a ring a special line as, well, a) it is a virus so is nothing they can do anyway and b) it could be the piggy flu which spreads like wildfire, funnily enough they don't want it in their waiting rooms.

Am being very presumptious, am sure I will be as right as rain after a shower.

Will have said shower and then run through my presentation. Today is our changeover week day, so are 29 weeks preggers! Can't WAIT for next week and being 30 weeks - we shall be on holiday then too so can really chill and celebrate. Anyway, means we have to get celebratory grubbins which would be a takeaway but we have our antenatal class all evening so may get a bacon buttie - though am feeling sickly now :0( To the shower!

SOOOO, will read through the pres, have some food, hopefully feel better, and I want to go though my interviews from India so I have a better understanding of the emipirical side to my arguments for the conference. Will generally make me feel quite thorough in my knowledge and so, more confident. I am fine about it, really, what can happen. I vomit all over myself, I mutter the presentation, I get asked questions I can't possibly answer and then run away afterwards and don't go back. I don't want to be an academic anyway so their opinions, if negative (!) don't mean anything apart from to my *pride*. Obviously, I have coined this new concept and term and would dearly love it to take off in IR speak and become something worth talking about, I would love to be published and for people to be interested in my ideas... but this is just ego. When I have finished this PhD, it is finished. I will write it into a book that no one wants to publish, have another gorgeous baby, and then look around me when I am about 35 and work out my next manoevre - porobably into a local charity or policy for local government.

It will be FINE.

Is it just me, overreacting and being so nervous? I haven't done public speaking for a couple of years - I did a presentation at the end of my first year - which, incidentally, was *terrible*. I tried to say too much, too fast and was quite shrill and incoherent. It was at the end of a long, long day of other (boring) presentations, to an intimate gathering of 10, and I was so lonely and unconfident and hadn't practised enough. (Got a merit for it though ;0)) Anyway, this time it is well practiced, has been months in the making in general, has been vetted (sort of) by my sup who said I will be a star (high praise indeed from someone who doesn't do praise!), will be in the middle of the first day, after lunch, in a biggish lecture hall (I think it is the biggest hall actually as it is where the keynote address is and the morning welcome chat...) and with a panel. I am horribly nervous. Worth it though for when it is done, I will be so proud of myself and can slowly let myself slip slide into the vagueness of pregnancy and motherhood knowing I have left my work, for now, on a high :0)

Begone darned virus! Begone!

x J

Where's the day gone?

Oh I am confused! It was lunchtime, and now it is dinner time?

I did set about trying to re-organise my presentation, then wise words from a friend who has completed her PhD alerted me to the fact that if it was already good and ready to go and I was happy with it, why change it? And that often tinkering with things at the last minute is unwise... Sitting and thinking about it I realised that I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to change the work to... it would take a lot of jigging about and if it was really important and necessary I would know what needed doing and set about it easily. The fact I couldn't quite work out what to change it to meant I wasn't as sure as I thought and so could just leave it. I read through it and thought, well, it's ok?! And then did a dress rehearsal! Got my smart trousers out (can't do them up but my trunk holds them in place quite firmly ;0)) and the tops I plan to wear, made sure everything was covered as I want it to be (don't want people actually knowing my trousers aren't done up!) and did a wee practice, and it was my best run through yet. Was helpful actually because in my other run-throughs I have had my hand in my pocket quite a lot, but these trousers don't have pockets! So it was kind of hanging around for a while... but then I started using it. Anyway, all went a-ok. I also realised that if I concentrate on my presentation and what I am saying then the environment sort of disappears, my breathing regulates and I slow down, so shall try and do that on the day - just focus on what I am trying to say, rather than who I am saying it to ;0)

I just can't wait for it to be over. OVER.

Other than that I filled out expenses forms, read through some of the interviews from my fieldwork, pranced about in my conference clothes and ate a lot of jam on toast.

Ug the guy who lives opposite me still has a hacking cough - has had it since we got back from India at the beginning of August - and is outside his house coughing his lungs up and smoking a fag. RANK! I would be so embarrassed to cough like that and be smoking! (though have ben there and done that, though for a bout of tonsilitus as a student, not this guys chronic, and very loud, lung issues!)

Wonder if I am turning into a non-smoker? Hmmm.

Gosh, is 6pm! Will hang around for a bit then gratefully slink off, am not feeling too hot still and really can't wait to just be able to lie on my bed. Will have a bath I think. Am avoiding the sitting room tonight as it has been commandeered for the football. Boooooooring. And so noisy! Such shouty boys.

x J

All good plans...

Or is it 'the road to hell...'?!

Realised last night when going through my presentation that my Sup had been keen on me 'grounding' the conceptual ideas therein with my own empirical findings, to make it subjective and therefore less open to attack. Thought I could and should do this, I could cut a load out and make two of my points in one, and then stick in a few hundred words on my findings. This was great last night but today not so great...
*am meant to be going into uni, but if I am rewriting my pres is no way am leaving my house. I only have today and tomorrow to write and practice it, am on the train to london Fri lunchtime...
*am not feeilng very well - I think I have DBs lurgy
*am suffering preghead, a wonderful pregnancy symptom that means my thoughts turn into butterflies dancing above my head. Catching and holding on to one for long enough to make any sense is really, really hard. I can hardly remember the thought I am trying to get hold of, let alone get it and work with it. Other, less verbose, people probably just say they are feeling forgetful.
*Oh, and am shattered. Don't know why. Am still in my jammies which is something I haven't done for *years* and the plumber is coming round in an hour or two. SO have to get dressed but really can't be bothered.

I don't want to go to London the day after tomorrow! I just want to go to bed :0( Bad london.

SOOOO am re-writing and not working on my new chapter as I so confidently predicted yesterday. AND I spent half an hour looking for those notes yesterday and can't find a single one. Where the blo*dy hell are they? I can't believe I have lost all that work?

So that's me. Am a useless heap o' junk!

How to make this better:
*Open the window to cool down (! am so hot!)
*Get dressed
*Make DB my slave
*Try and find the work that apparently provides empirical evidence of my thesis. (It does exist, it is in one of my chapters but I can't remember which one or why - this, my dears, is preghead. All I need to do is locate it and copy it into my pres but um, I can't do this because I can't think.)

Ummmmmmmmmm. Yep.

x J

Weee! New Chapter Started

Sooo, after spending this morning putting my old chapter away, have now definitely started on my new one :0)

I have got out all of my fieldwork notes and have separated them into primary evidence (newspaper clippings, reports, interviews and stuff), my workings out (my gibberings from start to finish re: methods, places to study and visit, journal diaries, volunteering info), my general tsunami info (on er, the tsunami and aid effort), and academic articles re: the aid effort and interviews. And a pile of a few reading lists I have compiled along the way... Have looked at the chapter as it is at the moment and it isn't bad at all.

Plan of action then:
To pull out a few other reports I know exist but must be in a different chapter box
To read through all this gumpf
To analyse my fieldwork data (the interviews as they stand, which is not much to be honest. I need those translations! GRRR).
Write my fieldwork data into my chapter
*Finish*

I am not really enjoying this I have to say, I really didn't enjoy my fieldwork much and don't really want to have to revisit it! But getting it out of the way, kind of 'blitzing' it will be good. Even theraputic? Well, I didn't not like it that much. It just makes me feel weird! We left for trip #1 a year ago on the 27 October! How weird is that? Am looking forward to that date coming and going and still being here... Am looking forward to my first English autumn and winter for two years - my favourite seasons - looking forward to Christmas here, New year, and then finally looking forward to the 4 February, when I found out about my Step Dads death and flew home. I think I shall put the whole weirdness I feel about India behind me then.

Am going to read through my presentation - but not out loud - then leave work for the day. I can't read it out loud much more as am starting to race through it and not pay attention - don't want to sound completely bored and rehearsed on the day and is only Tuesday :0) Oh, I'll get out the other reports and NGO commentaries I know I have knocking around. They were for my previous chapter originally but are now for ths one. The writing has been done but I would like the sources too, to refresh one's memory.

Tomorrow I am in Uni from 12ish till 5. Long, long time. Bet I don't last the course, am already thinking of excuses. Is one lecture I have to go to, and one that I should go to but don't really care if I do or not. I know what my issue is at the heart of it - I have a fear my Sup will ask me to the pub *again* with him and the other lecturers and the guest speaker all of whom I am doing the panel with this weekend, all of whom are lovely, and all of whom many people in my field would give their eyeteeth just to meet let alone be able to schmooze down the pub with. BUT sadly also all of whom I am very very shy around and can't even have a drink to chill out as am so pregnant, tired and, well, pregnant. So I would desperately want to say no and come home and would seem rude *again*.

Arf, I am rubbish!

Well, off to get those notes out and then skip off and read my lovely new book about babies ;0)

x J

Weeee! Goodbye chapter!

And so I am another chapter down!

Still, sadly only on three chapters completed though! However, because I took half of the one I just completed out and replaced it, I have that other half now in my new chapter... so am starting this chapter with a head start of 3,000 words, and all the academic/theorising has been done. Just need to write 5,000 on my fieldwork and that chapter is also done.

I thought it would take me ages to sort out this chapter and write the paper into it, but actually really didn't. I will not pretend it is polished or in a state I would want anyone to have to try and read it, but it is: * in the order it will be in in the final edit
* all written bar a small section on some academic critique that may go in here or my discussion chapter
* 7,800 words
* Fully referenced

SO when I come back I can read the printout I have of the current messy version and with new eyes and enthusiasm I shall edit it and it shall be DONE! This is my most completed chapter. Well, my methodology is very completed too.

Am so pleased! I have opened my next chapter and will try and get that done as much as possible for the end of the month. Then I will have most of Nov and half of Dec to write up my discussion chapter, which actually I have 3,000 *good* words down for already. Wee! Shaping that chapter will be very important, and generally means the rest of it should write itself - the intro and conclusion will be writable once I have the discussion chapter done (and know my general focus, which I do know but it is knowledge that is 'floating' around my brain and not very sophisticated or nuanced as of yet) and the lit review is ongoing as usual.

So is all coming along!

Have been practising my presentation too, and am at the stage were I feel comfortable with it so it is time to take it to the public - i.e DB. I really don't want to, am very nervous and know he will be quite critical. So I don't want to do it in front of him, but know that if he says it is good and I am fine with reading pace and mannerisms etc then it will give me sooo much confidence. And if it is a bit rubbish he will tell me why, I can fix it and will then be more confident. If he likes it, it must be ok ;0)

Other than that am just desperate to head downstairs and get myself a tasty bacon buttie! Celebration!

Oh, and I have a sore throat. Bah.

x J

Presentation, presentation

Today I have been alternately sorting out my house, doing my presentation and working the paper into my chapter.

Yesterday avo I went through the presentation and wrote a better ending, so today I have again re-edited and am alllll done with it. Have been reading it a lot, find I get very out of breath even just practising it myself but am getting the feel of it and is becoming pretty predictable... I worked on it on Friday until 7pm, didn't want to leave it until it was pretty much all written and it took ages! Had to keep practising it to see if it was 10 mins or not. Is 10/11 minutes now, am thinking I have a 10-15 minute slot so should be ok. The 11 minute is with lots of pauses, the 10 mins is pretty speedy but not superfast. Will probably deliver it in a whitewash of panic and so be on superspeed... ;0)

DB has got a horrible cold so am hoping either a) I get it and is so bad I can't go (won't happen, I will go whatever) or b) he keeps it to himself. Is these antenatal classes, full of teachers with lurgy. Speaking of which we had the antenatal class all day on Sat, which was great but exhausting! Sooooo tired. Yesterday tried to clean the house, failed and went out with DB for the afternoon to buy some shirts for him and then worked in the afternoon (in front of the tv) and so am up and about today, feeling ok but is why am having lots of breaks as well as working, instead of making myself sit here all day bar a break for lunch. Think today is mainly about feeling confident that the presentation will work and makes sense, and getting th main points in my brain so I can start to read it on autopilot and make lots of eye contact, despite reading it from the sheet. Am remembering to slow down, to enunciate and to take breaths between sentences. And hold my chin up so I project my voice. DB is out for most of today which is helpful.

Oh my word! It is 3pm! I just saw! Goodness me, I thought it was about 1.30 maybe. I shall practice it again and then look at the chapter. I totally forgot that I had yet to write this paper into the chapter and so that will put writing the Indian chapter back yet again - I am away all next week too (YAY!) so basically, if I want to get it done by the end of the month I have one week to do it in! Cripes. We know that isn't going to happen but am not happy at rescheduling yet so am in denial.

This PhD malarky is complicated.

x J

Another week! Come back!

Oh my, time is going by too fast!

I didn't post yesterday, it was such a bad day. I was all of a dither and a blather and got nothing done. Today, however, I have written certainly the first draft of the presentation if not the final edit. It is 10 minutes, well, just under (by 30 seconds) and so I hope with some practising and a bit of conjugating it shall be a-ok. I don't know if it hits the mark yet, I have had to cut soooo much out - entire arguments and angles - that I hope it still makes a point! I will test it out on DB probably on Monday afternoon, just to check it makes any sense though I doubt he will get it so will criticise it for all the wrong reasons and I will be blue.

Writing a short presentation for a conference:
* Remember this is more to showcase your idea, the proper ideas are in your paper, you don't want to explain every tangent and argument in thick description.
* If you are new, state at the beginning that this is a working idea, part of your PhD and you would welcome comments. This makes the audience more friendly and less of a baying mob, you are working together, you see (you hope!). Briefly (so briefly) outline what your PhD is about to give the presentation context.
* Don't put in quotes, they take too long to read out so paraphrase. If quite a few people are saying something similar, lump them together and then say what they have generally been saying - you will be more specific in your accompanying paper.
* Have about three main points. Your intro should be to the point 'I am saying this, this and this...' and the conclusion is literally to round it up in a sentence.
* It takes about 3 mins to speak 500 words. Is not much when you are talking about a 7,000 word paper! You will have to cut it down to about 1,500 words for a ten minute presentation !
* Try and feed in some of your own findings if you can. This will make your findings more specific and less open to criticism. I haven't though.

Is all I can think of for now, main points anyway. By now we have done a few presentations in our time!

Got an email from my Sup today asking if I wanted to do a lecture for an MA group on the 14 Dec... by 'wanted to do' I am assuming, maybe unfairly, that he means 'will do'. I will be 38 weeks pregnant though, or with a very new baby! I don't know really, it needn't be hard (is on 'humanitarianism' - a very broad topic am sure I can get something out of - is great for the ol' CV and could only be a couple of hours. However, I will be 38 weeks pregnant, is again compromising the promise I made to myself (and that I have been holding to my chest with glee) that I will make this presentation next week my last major work commitment and making me most unhappy. I don't want to play :0( I will stress about it as much as, if not more than, the conference (this is 10 minutes, a whole lecture is a big deal! Especially with smartarse MA students! ;0)) and this can affect Beanie and make him sad. I can't do it, I really can't. Maybe I can do it next year.

I emailed my RA earlier to kick his arse about not doing his translations for me. I even threatened to come to India and do more research! Put the guilt on him saying that I have the presentation next week and can't use anything we worked on in India... I want to start writing up my fieldwork next week. Am sick to death of thinking and worrying about it, I am even dreaming about it! Every night, honestly, it is such a weight on my mind. I *need* the interviews translated or they are worthless! And I have paid him already. UG I am so annoyed.

Have a whole day of antenatal classes tomorrow! Am actually looking forward to it, we went last night and it was good. Shame no Saturday lie in but will have a nice day on Sunday doing nothing. Will have to practice this presentation though. Am so bored of it but at least it is starting to take shape in my mind, which is the first step to learning it. I will take the sheet in, I won't do it all from memory or even from memory cards but kind of read it animatedly I think.

Have good weekends all! Am going to print my presentation off, read through it a couple of times and edit if needs be, then jump in the bath and start my weekend. I have the new Audrey Niffinegger book which I have been saving. And am going to chat to my little bubs, I miss him when I have been working hard!

x J

presentation... nearly there...

I really wanted to have this presentation done by last Monday but am still doing it!

I have managed to get the first draft done, it says pretty much what I want it to, by copying and pasting mostly from my paper... but it is waaaay too long! The paper is 5,000 words, and the presentation cannot be more than 1,500 or it is over 10 minutes! I really need to pare it back, which, admittedly is easier than adding to it or writing it in the first place. Then I need to make sure it says what I want to say eloquently and simply but with a decent punch. Then, it should be done. So, realistically, I am not expecting to totally finish it until tomorrow evening. Which is annoying! But incredibly necessary, I can get another day back for the chapter I want to be working on now by working on a weekend, but need all the time I can get to prepare the presentation: is a week on Saturday! Am not nervous any more, am kind of up for it. I would not want to have to write the paper or prepare this again though, no wonder I was nervous, but now I am much more in control, I am nearly there! The rewards of a) having done it b) having finished the last horrid piece of work before maternity leave and c) going away for a few days the week afterwards *almost* make it worth doing ;0)

Irritatingly, before I can get this chapter totally out of the way though I do need to relate it more obviously to my PhD which could take a few days. I had better do it now though or by the time I come back to revise it I will have forgotton lots of the points. Gah! It just goes on and on!

Am so tired, but kind of wired from working. Will have a look through it and slope off in half an hour.

x J

Professional pride, begone

Oh well. I am in the middle of editing my paper, not a too strenuous job but necessary, and I get an email from the conference organisers saying that the papers re: my panel are here! Well, *my* paper actually, as I am the only one keen enough to hand it in straight away. Turns out they would be grateful if those who haven't submitted their papers yet did so asap. Other than that, nothing. I should have kept mine back too! Now mine is the only one handed in, and it is toss!

I am embarrassed. I am with IR royality and handed in toss. I have learnt two lessons: 1) don't hand in toss and 2) don't be so keen.

I have actually only really started working just now, I have spent much of the day skiving and daydreaming as we had a Bean scan earlier! He is definitely a 'he', (excellent) and weighs 2lbs 5 oz which is spot on, and is marvellous complete with chubby cheeks.

I bought a new work desk yesterday on some kind of high induced by a severe sugar crash in Staples. It was actually a bargain, a small computer desk and chair for £30, student offer and the last in the shop so snapped it up, though now I am much prefering my big kitchen table desk. How fickle! No, I will use it, I am going to take down this megalith of a desk when we have our next guest as it really does take up all the spare room and in future I want to use this room as a beanie play room and spare room for our multitude of long term guests next year. I also don't want this hulking desk to be whining 'work' at me every time I pass the room! So it is being dismanteled at the end of November. Exciting!

Well, better get one with the paper I am editing for no reason (oh, shame is me) and definitely by the end of tomorrow I shall be done with this and move on to writing up the fieldwork. Darned RA is still on the skive. GRRRRRR.

Laters!
x J

Monday! Not Wednesday!

I keep thinking it is Wednesday today! It is definitely not. Maybe it is because i did some work yesterday?!

Went into Uni earlier, was going to re-register so I can use the library again (and not get bleeped when I try to use the online catalogue and told that I have no more 'patron priviledges') but it was full of freshers. Very young people these freshers! So full of energy! And there is me, just trying to find a loo (of course) and with bump. Is strange to be in a Uni and pregnant! I ignored the queue and will go back another day. Met with Sup who said that my presentation will be great (yaya!) and was really into my ideas and is confident about my progress (phew!) so was all excitable after that. Then went with him to a meeting about my research group which turned out to be a faculty member-only meeting - no other students were there! I was given some funny looks and I silently cursed my Sup for telling me to come along when I was blatently not meant to be there, introduced myself, and actually was of some use as could say what students wanted from the meetings instead of it being all about what the lecturers want us to do/achieve. Was good to meet some other members of the dept too and get a bit of an insider view of what they all get up to for the students! Felt quite grown up ;0)

Then went to New Look and tried on some maternity clothes that made me look like a dumpy pregnant smurf and went to Greggs the baker and came out with a sandwich, having successfully bypassed all the doughnuts, sausage rolls, pastries and crisps. Go me! Was going to get my hair cut but was knackered so crawled onto the train and came home. I like home. Am back in again next week but think am free until then. Was good to go in and feel part of the faculty again, tout myself round a bit and feel that I do have a home! Can feel quite unmoored and alienated being at home all the time, even though it is what I would choose if I could. So is good I *have* to go in because I do benefit from it.

I was meant to finish my paper and presentation this afternoon but haven't. I shall do some work on it now for an hour or so.

Am so pleased my Sup likes my presentation (although it is rather late if he didn't!) and also really pleased that I came up with the ideas for it and executed them all by myself. Another step taken towards academic independence... Eek!

x J

Eh?!

I am working, on a Sunday. I am not sure why, I just thought I would do something... And then I realised I am not working, I am skiving on the internet and feeling guilty!

How stupid! It took me a while to remember it is Sunday - my day off - I can go downstairs and read the internet to my heart's content if I want!

Have booked mine and DBs holiday away this morning! Am sooooo excited, it will be so lovely and is the perfect antidote to work stress... will be the last time we go away pre-bubs and finishing the PhD too so is a biggun! Saying that, we are only going for three nights but it will be a lovely three nights at lake windermere - never been to that part of the world so am really looking forward to it, sounds perfect for a lazy pregnant couple!

So, let us focus, why am I working?! I have a meet with Sup tomorrow about my presentation and kind of wanted to have it organised in time but am not going to work for *that* long to re-write it! Certainly not stuck in my office anyway. May do some in front of the tele later. I suppose I just wanted to have a look at it and a think, no more really.

I shall do that then! And then go out into the sunshine! Is a glorious day.

Ug, am getting all pregnancy puffy now :0( Have chubby chipmunk cheeks and my engagement ring fits! (it was loose) Eek! got beanie's moses basket yesterday though, am completely smitten and although I was quite scared of it I am sort of getting used to its huge, hulking presence. Am having a baby! Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

x J

Bit better now ;0)

Well, my friend came to stay and it was much better and just as bad as I feared!

First day was good, didn't get any work done and did walk around a lot looking at estate agents and houses which was enjoyable but non pregnant people are very fast movers! I was *shattered* by the end of the day, and on top of that had the most awful nights sleep. Am terrible at sleeping with people I don't really know coming to stay, I get all anxious that they are uncomfortable/cold/hungry/bored, plus my house is very small and I have to get up a lot in the night, being up the stick... is quite embarrassing! So next day, Thurs, I was soooooo tired and grumpy! Tried not to be but when she complained about a perfect house being not quite perfect enough because it 'might' be cold (it's a cottage, yes, but with huge radiators and a fire - what do you want woman?!) and planning another trip back... which would invariably mean staying here again... NOOOOOO! I was quite stressy but really trying to be polite, made us nice lunch and bit my tongue. Then DB and I went out for the evening and had a fantastic time watching Tim Minchin - he's an Aussie comic (doesn't like to be called a comic, he is a performer apparently) and very rude and witty. Bean danced along to the filthy songs! Atta boy, hehe.

Yesterday afternoon I finally got some work done! I managed to write out my presentation (roughly) and insodoing also managed to edit the paper I have written, so is all ready for a nice new, final edit that makes sense. I shall write this on Monday avo. The presentation is coming along quickly which is fabulous. I am seeing my Sup on Monday morning, I am going in to Uni to help organise a research group, then will have a quick chat with Sup about my work so far and should be free at about 1pm. Will get some library books, try and get a haircut and get some maternity tops from new look - my normal tops are now officially too small for my bump. I recieved some lovely ebay jeans today too - they are *great*, look lovely and are flattering and were only £7! Wooty!

Am still very nervous about the presentation but mostly feel in control and confident it will be good, so shouldn't have too much to worry about on the day. I will have it all written and ready to go for Tuesday and practice it and tweak every day then until I do it - 17 Oct... not long now! I do have a sweetener though as DB and I are going away for 2/3 nights on the 20 Oct for his beeday and our 'babymoon' break (stupid phrase that means going away for the last time before you become parents!). Can't WAIT! Am researching where to go today. Will be in the UK and am hoping for a last minute deal...

After Tues I am starting to research and write up my fieldwork chapter... I have someone in India translating an interview for me, I just hope it works ok! My RA has disappeared again. I really resent him for this stress. If only it were done I could move on! I mioght be naughty and pretend I am planning a trip back to India soon - that would put a rocket up his ar*e! hehe!

My Sup said I won't have my monitoring meeting in Dec now as I won't have written a first full rough draft. This makes me feel a bit bad, but not too bad as it was always a big call. Am ahead of my colleagues still, many of them have only written one chapter and have bits and bobs of other chapters.

Am off now to get some jam on toast and some coffee and research hotels! Is sooooo windy and autumnal here, can't feel guilty for not going out at all - would be horrible out there!

x J

Ffffffff Whine

If it is possible to be too pregnant, that is what I am... I didn't post yesterday because the day was rubbish, I did very little but admin stuff (chasing up the library about a library book I didn't actually have/re-enrolling/sorting out funding info etc) and then just boobed around on the internet. Felt quite rubbish by the end of the day and do again today.

Was quite miffed yesterday really because I got really late notice about a friend wanting to come and stay. I was feeling v pregnant, fat and tired and the thought of having to clean and tidy the house, make up the spare room, fill the fridge and put on a jolly smile was doing my head in. And today is not much better! In fact I am in tantrum mode today and really want it to all go away, so I can just spend the day going for a swim (to counteract the 'fat' feeling) and settling into writing my presentation. Instead I have been informed this morning that said guest (who is a friend but is using the place to stay whie she finds somewhere to live, not to visit us per se, so is not quite like I invited them and am now having a sulk about it) is arriving at lunchtime and then realised I am going to have to feed them UG - what do non pregnant people eat?! Salad stuff I guess?! I just eat whatever I can be fussed with in the daytime tbh (healthy, like soup but you can't feed three people one tub of soup!) or have some eggsies or whatever. Arf, maybe I shall take her out for lunch and then I can get some chocolate cake, a bit of perspective, and give DB some space to work...

I am looking forward to seeing her is just all the stuff around it. Also, tomorrow is a big Beanie day as we are 27 weeks, at the end of the second trimester, (woo!) and we will only have ten weeks until he is fully cooked (and I have maternity leave PHEW)! This is really exciting but we won't be able to do anything about it all day which for some, probably hugely pregnant and unreasonable reason, I am resenting. Even though we are going out for dinner in town and then going to a comedy gig (has been booked since May, so looking forward to it!) in the evening! So guest will be here on their ownio which is a bit wierd but cool I guess.

Arf, am being a good mate, DB keeps saying it, and there is no way I would let my friend know how cross I am about the whole thing - is all very petty I know. Is just that I was given no notice and I feel that my hefty preggers status has been completely overlooked and it is the fact I work from home has been translated into 'so you are free at the drop of a hat' which I begrudge. Yes, I work from home but no, it does not mean I am going to spend the afternoon dancing for you but in fact, I have work to do! You know, like as if I was at work?! So I will just rant here and then plaster on a smile. Am off to make up the bed in the spare room now, which will give me bump ache for the rest of the day but, you know, WHATEVER.

Bah.

Workwise I am going to try and settle into writing my presentation this afternoon but will have to work in the kitchen so don't know how well that will go down. I really want to have it sorted for the end of the week (she is leaving on Friday; when? I know not) and have a good idea of how my chapters are reading. Arf, it ain't gonna happen is it?

Not heard from Sup yet about the work I sent him... I don't know if this is a good or bad thing but am getting increasingly scared. Also not heard from any of the translation people :0(

x J

Good day!

Weeeeeeeeeeeee! I am a good worker :0)

I am now in the fourth and final year of my PhD, estimated end date of Sept 2011 (with a baby in between lol). Eek! It makes little sense to me if I remember how in awe I was of final year students when I started... they were old and they were wise - and confident - but I am not like this! Wellll, the confidence is probably the main difference. I am definitely older, not wise, but more confident - when I started I was just waiting for someone to send me packing as if allowing me on the course was a big mistake! I suppose by now I have gone through all the MRes rubbish, the worry trying to work out what I am doing with my thoughts, and the lack of confidence that you have anything worth saying - and done the fieldwork. Being post-fieldwork is a big marker in a PhD I think.

I did a plan this morning for work to have achieved between now and when I stop working around the 11th December. Uni finishes for the xmas break a week later than that so I shan't be missing anything or called in for anything which is great - I will feel a lot more relaxed and much less like a skiver. It will probably take me a while to wind down and forget about the work tbh, but I wil have xmas to focus on, oh, and a baby I suppose... so should be ok?! Silly me.

Yep, so I did a plan. Over the weekend I thought about how to help my working day along a little more, and decided that maybe I should sort of go 'part time' so I feel I have lots of time to do nothing (be tired and stupid) but also get lots of work done, so decided to plan on doing a four hour day. This means I should be doing concentrated work for four hours every day - which is not full time I know but ARG who can sit and write for 7 solid hours day-in, day-out? Someone with a very tight and looming deadline yes, but not the normal PhD student who has months and months of writing stretching out in front of them. So four hours of good work is my aim, two hours in the morning and two in the afternoon, with room for food, faff, a nap (if necessary) and exercise. And today worked very well. I felt structured, I did not feel like a loser because if I zoned out for half an hour I can always make that time up - you can fit 4 hours in quite easily - and I did not feel so pressured I did nothing. You know that horrible feeling that you have when you sit down, that the day will never end, will just drag on and on and you will never do any work so what's the point? Well, you an't feel like that if you're 'part time'. AND the cunning part is that four hours is easy, so you will inevitably do more than that most days. I mean, I am still here and I don't feel any pain! And it's 5.45 on a Monday! And also, tomorrow I have an appt at a fancy gym for a look-see, (am just going for a nose and a free swim in a posh pool) in the morning, and normally i would feel guilty but no need! I can be home and do my four hours in the afternoon, no probs. I will have to work hard and have them all in a row but, you know, it feels manageable. Hurray! We shall how it works, but for now it is a good 'un.

Read some of the Joan Bolker bible this morning too and made me feel like on the whole, I have the same problems as everyone else and generally tackle them in the right way. This was reassuring. Is actually a very good book (Writing your dissertation in 15 mins a day it is called) and I would recommend it.

Sorted out my chapters today too, and realised I have a total of 25,000 words done... good going - is just under a third of the total! A third! I can fill the rest up *easily* so hurray! Although the devil is in the detail, let us not forget that... But I shall cross that bridge when it comes to it - for now just getting the words down is the main thing.

So, gym tomorrow am and then working on my presentation in the pm.

x J

Friday!

Yay it's Friday, and not *just* Friday, but the end of friday! hurray!

Not that it makes any odds to me - yes, you guessed it, I did nothing. And I mean nothing. I think I decided to take the day off as the editing I did have planned for these past two days doesn't need doing. Had a nice email from Sup last night saying he had my work but was super busy at the mo with the new students which I understand, was nice of him to keep me informed though. So am feeling quite relaxed.

Had terrible bump ache today though so have been lying on the bed for most of the day and not really been very mobile. Did manage to get to the shops for a bacon sarnie though... I was desperate for some meaty goodness! And a massive bar of galaxy chocolate which I wolfed down before I even had time to think about it - freaky! Beanie has been so busy today too bless him, but not my bump!

Am going to have a nice bath which should soothe my pains and will then take up my official friday night/weekend position on the settee for the night. With some cake. Cake! I never eat cake let alone buy a whole one.

Am just putting it down to being 'one of those days'. Have done some emailing and admin stuff, but not even opened my chapter. Oh well - I deserve some kind of break after my manic 6000 word writing last week!

x J

Let us think...

I didn't really *do* much today, but I feel quite happy about this so, you know, whatever.

One thing I have realised is... I am in the writing up stage.

Somehow this has crept up on me. There has been no trumpet sound or official announcement or meeting, it has just occured to me (and by 'just', I mean literally just now) that I am writing up now. I do have my research to 'analyse' but I am not really analysing it, I just need the interviews to be translated so I can see what they say and then write it out into my Indian chapter, and look at how it compares with the political and humanitarian representations of the aid effort. Then I do need to do some analysis but should be a) interesting and b) not really take long. It is not a chore because it is the *last* piece of the jigsaw that is my thesis. I like juggling the pieces, it is when they are all in place and just need to be written up that it is tedious - the actual thinking and pondering and eureka moments (assuming one happens that is) are fun!

I think this is pretty ok really, considering I have a whole year to go. I am bang on target to complete on time I would say... So , for this reason, I can be pleased. I cannot, however, be relaxed. Oh no. Because writing up is a whole new ballgame. It takes a whole new mentality and focus. I needs strict deadlines and targets. It is the hardest part - because it is soooooo boring and long and unrewarding and blaaaaaaaaa.

SO! How are we to tackle this then? Make targets - Beanie's arrival is a big deadline that I am working towards atm. My Sup seems to think that I will have an entire first draft done by then which sounds lovely but isn't true. I will do what I can, tis all I can say.

Chapters:
Intro Do next year. 10,000 words
Lit review Write next year, plan this year? 15,000 words
Methodology Draft One done. 8,000 words
Humanit bit Draft One done. 8,000 words
Political bit Draft one done and being re-done now to include conf paper. 8-10,000 words
Indian bit Write rough draft this year (do in Oct). 8,000 words
Discussion Write rough draft this year (do in Nov). 15,000 words
Conclusion Do next year. 5,000 words

I aim to finish all this year's work for the beg of Dec, am likely to have my final Uni monitoring meeting in Dec when they will want my chaper outline and some plan of writing-up, which I have definitely got all sorted! Will the writing get easier? Hmmm. Is definitely not easy at the mo! But now I have realised I am actually in the writing zone I can be more strict with myself. I have been a bit in denial I think. And focussing on the conference.

Tomorrow then, I shall do a decent timeline and the rejigging of my political chaper so all chapters are as they should be for now. Housekeeping and editing I suppose you would call it. Then on Monday I may have heard from Sup about the conf paper. Anyway, until I do hear, sorting out how it will fit into the chapter will keep me busy next week and then that chapter will actually be done! (For review, but as done as it can be for the forseeable!) Exciting!

I'll give myself until Weds to do that and start Oct anew on a new chapter...

I start my new year on Monday... am not changing my profile until then to say am in the forth and final year. At the mo I take refuge in the fact I am still in the third year and have a complete year still in front of me!!! ;0)

x J

umm

Today I say at my desk all day...

and looked up accommodation for my and DB's trip away after the presentation and for his beeday... and bought him some beeday pressies... and emailed my friends... and pondered.

Decided in the end to email my work to my Sup - the 6,000 words I wrote last week for the conference - and await his response before moving on too much with it. I tried to work on it all day and it took me that long to realise I wasn't avoiding it as such, I just wasn't sure what I was meant to be doing with it! I mean, do I spend days re-writing it for Sup just for him to tell me to write it again for whatever reason? What's the point in that? I may as well send it to him as it is now, and then if he tells me it is trash I haven't wasted days editing it for no reason. If he says it is good this will give me some lovely, much-needed motivation to tighten it up and make it PhD-worthy. Whatever happens, I realised I could do with some outside input before moving on with it. Is the beginning of term so am not expecting a quick reply, but feel happy that I have sent something with some depth to him to show am not just sitting at home being pregnant and absent-minded... (shhh, don't tell him!)

I have eczema coming up on my fingers and it itches me :0( Is a sign of the cooler times obviously. Am feeling quite christmassy! May be peaking a bit early?!!

Oh, I emailed an Indian contact who has offered their translation services too... please, please help me! Oh AND I heard from my RA over the weekend, after I sent him an email saying that time was running out about the translation work and could he donate the money I paid in advance to his NGO, saying he will have it done soon. Excellent, I love 'soon'...

Tomorrow I am going to get out my revised chapter outline and, I think, get out the info for the next chapter, which is the 'Indian voice'... I have quite a bit of info already, before needing the interviews... I will sort out the conference presentation when I have heard from my Sup, made the necessary amendments and can start it with confidence that that is actually what I am going to say! No point working on it if my Sup tells me not to use any of it! I want to have the pres planned out and written for the end of the month ideally. Then I just need to practice it, but can have my 'day job' as the next chapter. Am running out of time!!

I had an epiphany about the conference last night which caused me to have a lovely nights sleep ;0) I realised that even if I stammer and stutter and give the worst presentation ever - what can *actually* happen to me? Will I be marked badly and have to repeat it? No. Will people jeer at me and throw tomatoes? No. Will I fail my PhD? No. An exam of some kind? No. This is the first presentation I have *ever* had to do that is purely to disseminate information, without fear of retribution. The only thing at stake is my pride, and if I work hard and practice, practice, practice, then even if it is terrible on the day, if I feel that I worked hard and tried my best then I can't feel bad about it. All I have to be worried about is being nervous doing the presentation - but there is really no need, it should be fun in a twisted way! I get to show off my ideas to like-minded geeks! We are all there at this big geek assembly to talk about waht we love most - politics. And we all talk to each other about it, in presentations, and ask each other questions, we agree and disagree and get off on it! So, with that in mind, I have much more calm. I felt that I was being marked, was going to be humiliated - that it was, ultimately, a test but it ISN'T.

Thank goodness!

x J

splat

I handed in my paper, I have receipt of acknowledgment for my paper; I am pleased!

So that is done. No fanfair and in the end it does seem that I am the only one who has handed it in on my panel! But is not big deal, and is very rough. I now have a couple of weeks to tidy it up for the panel to read, which I will do for the end of the week and then send to my Sup. I shall then change it for my PhD - or at least do it in rough form ready for when I come off maternity leave (must remember not to get anal about stuff now, just need to get stuff down!), then do the presentation. Can't *wait* to start on the presentation and feel some sense of control over it, am so nervous and worried and am having bad dreams about it! My friend who I was meant to be staying with over the conference weekend has let me down with a sudden wedding she didn't know about... so will stay with my other friend who lives right near the venue and was my preferred choice anyway! Wee, am very pleased.

Am feeling a bit stressy about work and fitting everything in in time so am going to have a bath and chill out for a bit. My ma went home today to and am feeling somewhat bereft :0( Am knackered and taking the day off, so ner.

x J

All done!

Woo, my paper is done!

I just finished it, was going to leave it till tomorrow and just thought i would have a tinker and managed to get it done! Is such a brilliant feeling!

I worked for about 2 hours and then my ma came to stay yesterday so we had some drinks (not me, obviously) and went out for dinner (where I ate a lot, obviously) and i had the most awful, horrid night's sleep. I woke up at 3am wide awake, and then at around 4am beanie woke up and kicked alllllllllll night. I had horrid dreams that he was being hurt or was an alien and that I was far away from home with people who wouldn't look after me and I was so worried about bean. I woke up feeling vile and... hungover?! And guilty that I hadn't been able to look after Bean, though it was a dream. Went out and about to the local festival today, came back and tried to work and couldn't, decided to leave it till tomorrow but then did it just now as was checking emails anyway. Soooo happy as it means I can have tomorrow off! Completely. Will email it off to someone (who?! Does anyone care?!) and that's it. Am having Tuesday off too wooty! Then Weds, Thurs and Fri will re-write it as it is actually 5,750 words of Very Rough-ness - I wouldn't normally even send this draft off to my Sup to check. But I keep thinking that he did say it could even be in note form and to only make it 20 pages. It is 21 pages and not in note form, but an essay with an abstract, keywords, intro, middle and conclusion AND pretty much all my references. Albeit it's not very well worded (bit wordy and colloqiual), I would prefer more sources to be used as I rely on a core few which isn't all that representative, and I would like to see if I need to add another facet to the argument or if I really can leave it out (i have it written in atm, but very roughly and pretty much in note form). Some refs aren't in there and it needs some serious tightening up. But it is a decent first draft, the argument is there, the intro matches the content and my thesis is backed up by empirical evidence. Lots of checking and re-writing aside it could be that it will always seem banal to me because I know it so well, but actually be of interest to someone else... hmmm!

So, another deadline met and down, next one is to get this into a decent draft and off to Sup, and also to work out how it fits into my PhD! May need some rewriting again. THEN, I need to get on with the presentation. I hope I don't need powerpoint. I can't wait to start practising it so I can feel more in control you know?

After the presentation I will only have 6 working weeks left before I start to wind up for maternity leave. In this time I have to write two chapters and plan another. Oh God, I really do have to. Maybe instead of winding up totally I will go part time for the last couple of weeks... that will give me two months, a month for each chapter. And some of those chapters have already been written, and by some, I mean about 2,000 words which is a good start?!

And breathe. I will get my PhD, I will.

x J