Working my butt off

Finally!  The time is NOW!  The iron is hot! 

I had my nice plans yesterday about handing in my first draft 6 weeks before my submission date.  Then I realised that in that 6 weeks I will have to do re-writes, have it proof read AND have my sup read it and mark it a few times and then have it bound and bla bla and 6 weeks will in no WAY cut it.  Oh I wish I had a sup to tell me these things.  So I have decided to work my ASS off until the 28 Feb when I shall have my first draft ready three months ahead of my submission date.  This will give me plenty of time to let my Sup read it, so I can re-write and correct madly for a month, have a professional proof-read it and send it back to me, and then get it back to Sup, then bound and hand it in.  I think it would be best if those last three months were done as calmly as possible, rather than in a mega stressful last-minute mad dash.  So probably best I have the mad dash now while there is still time to sort out any major f*ck-ups and time delays ;0)  I worked last night until about 11pm when I passed out and have worked in concentrated silence today.  I finished the segment I was reading early so thought I would treat myself to a wee skive rather than start something new for all of ten minutes. 

So, I have 6 chapters to write in three months.  Don't scoff, I know someone with two children who wrote her whole thesis in three months ;0)  And I did my entire MA dissertation in two months, research and all and got a lovely mark for it.  I think at this stage just whizzing through it so all the info is in your head and spilling out onto paper is the best approach.  I might go slightly mad but better now than when it is all too late.  And I shall have two weeks 'off' at the beginning of march while my Sup is reading his vast, badly written copy of my first ever completed draft of my thesis.  The thought of its giantness, its completeness, that last full stop, makes me giddy with excitement.  I think I am happier with a horrible deadline like this.  A) I work best under pressure and with a nasty deadline that I *have* to meet.  And B) I HATE my work so much and cannot wait to be rid - so best get on with it!  Living with it is becoming intolerable, I want it out, out out!

My study looks like I have gone and and just chucked paper everywhere.  Everywhere.  I blew up our blow up bed yesterday and made it up so I can sit in bed and do all my reading and writing late into the night.  I hate working sitting on the floor and my desks are covered in notes that I can't move for if I disturb them I shall lose them!  yes, I am definitely on the homeward straight.

Anyway, I better put some lights on.  Outside is wet and gloomy and I have to go and get the bubsicle.  poor me.  And after he is fed and bedded, I shall read some more :0)

x J

life laundary

This morning I woke up and felt really stressed!  I am looking after bean today and *hate* being stressy on those, most precious of days...

So I have sorted out lots of issues and am feeling back in control again. 

I still have so much work to do and this is scaring me.  I cannot do anything about that when I cannot physically work.  But I have decided to work monday evenings and wednesday evenings, and try at those times to leave any Bean stuff to DB.  When he gets back from work, we have a coffee and a chat and then I am upstairs until I feel I want to stop - but doubt that would be before 9pm.  That should give me at *least* 2.5 hours to work, more like 3.  Tonight I will prbably work until 10ish.  As I get more stressed I shall also work friday evenings.  I can't work tues or thurs evenings because that is when DB plays footie, so phew for that ;0) 

Weekends  I would like to work 9-2, a straight five hours on a saturday.  Then maybe I'll go back up at 6pm for the evening.  And on Sunday...  well, it's a bit when and if I can at the mo, until the pressure ratchets up I am sure I shall work sundays more too - just at the mo it feels like shift work looking after Bean - he seems to rarely be with both of us at the same time and sunday should be a family day for the mo.  And DB needs to exercise and have some time to work too. 

Exercise-wise I have decided to run home from dropping bean off with the childminder.  If I take a slightly circuitous route then I can get a decent half hour run in, get back, shower and be at my desk for 10.45 at the latest.  This would be brilliant as a) I have no other time to exercise seeing as every spare minute is either with bean or working now; b) now is the best time to be running with all this stress - I need to release the toxins and pressure - it worked a treat during my Masters; and c, working after running is great as running helps you concentrate apparently.  So even though i lose 15 mins or so a day I would gain this in not faffing so much from being sloth-like and tired, or stressy.  AND then I can eat choc while working to stay motivated but have worked it off beforehand!  Hurrah!

This week is a big week and I plan to work very hard so come Friday I feel back in control again.  I shall still have monumental amounts of work to do but I hope that I will feel that I am someway to making progress.  This week I am reading my theory notes.  I shall take what I need, capitalise on buzzwords and major strands of thought and incorporate them into my own analyses to make me sound well clever and considered ;0)  I need to re-aquaint myself with these thinkers before I can write my next chapter, then can re-write my last chapter (should only take a day to add in the odd quote and buff up the existing analyses) and both will be done to a nice, polished standard.  Then, come Bean's beeday on the 15 Dec, I hope to send them both off to my sup and start on my discussion chapter.

Am feeling so much better.  Still swamped, but my head is above water and I am going to do everything I can to stay that way until the end.

x J

Hungry

Arf, I stopped crying after a while and have got on with some work.

I had a look at my calender for writing-up and had to do some serious revisions to it, which has left me with only 6 weeks to do any re-writes, instead of the desired three months.  I definitely need a month.  Oh crikey it really is getting down to the wire.

Then I spent a couple of hours adding to my previous chapter!  I came across a point from my fieldwork, that was exclusive to my fieldwork and just had to add it in.  It is the only bit in my whole empirical stuff that draws from personal experience, from what I saw when I was travelling about etc so I needed to put it in and it sounds pretty good, like I actually did something other than turn up, interview a few peeps then spend five months on holiday ;0)  However, it has also added 1000 words onto that chapter!  Eek!  And it sounds a bit conversational (how can it not when you are saying about how you travelled here and there and saw this and that and chatted to a a vendor here and a taxi driver there?!) and it needs some proper analysis on it.  At the mo it is a bit 'i think that' which isn't really very analytical.  Will have to read that stuff first tho!

So I am off for lunch now and hope to come back for an hour.  Then I am looking after Bean while DB goes to the gym and shall read the paper and be silly.  Then I shall make sausage and mash for tea and try not to lament the fact that I didn't do any work on the proper chapter today and be pleased that I wrote 1000 words of totally new material.

Be pleased goddammit!

Back tomorrow.

x J

Norovirus

Eugh we had the dreaded norovirus (aka evil winter vomiting bug) at our house this whole week.  And I got it on Thursday!

So I have done no work apart from what I did on Weds night, but rhe work I did on Weds was grand.  Today I feel just awful, really really fatigued and well, a bit wiped out really, physically and emotionally...  I need a good laugh!  Too tired to do anything though ;0)  Obviously that all has to go on the backburner for work though.  I can't believe I have to work today.  And not just a bit but a LOT!  Am also a bit blue because #9out of the blue shocker hehe) I want another baby (!) but don't think it will happen this month.  This, oddly, has made me really sad!  I don't know why, we only decided to sort of see what happened because if I got preggers now I wouldn't be due until a couple of months after my other baby is due (haha, the PhD obvs)... so would (hopefully) be in fine fettle for handing in and doing my viva and then settle down with my family, all doctored up.  Anyway, it has made me sad.  I dunno.  Is too early to tell actually but I did a test anyway being a silly, majorly impatient moo and am all grumpy about it.  Am being really stupid aren't I. 

OK!  Cheer up.  DB just got home, and he knows I am blue but not really why, although the fact I have spent a really intense week cooped up with a toddler with sicky bug and then having it myself, plus the pressure of having to have a week off work seems to be enough for him to feel a mite sorry for me ;0)  Anyway, he has offered to make me a cup of tea and gimme a biccie so that is cool.  Although in truth I don't want either, but I do want the gesture :0)  To feel a bit looked after innit.

Am all tearful today!

RIGHT.  Onwards!  I am going to drink mah tea and eat mah biccie and get some energy going.  Then I shall open facebook and mumsnet (I know, but they are like my office buddies these days!  I get lonesome else and seek company hehe) and shall look through the fantabulous plan I wrote for myself on Wedsnesday, in anticipation of my all-too-predictable confusion whenever I sit back at my desk after a couple of days away.

Am fine.  All Is Well :0)  Am working until 2.30pm.  BYE!!

x J

Blinking gastro virus

My poor toddler has had a really nasty tummy bug since monday night.  Awww.  So I have done no work!

I have had the week off to look after him, but have dragged my sorry arse up to my study to do some work this evening while DB looks after the wean.  In all honesty, apart from the puke and the grotty nappies and the worry and the washing (oh my word - SO much washing) it has been lovely!  No really, I have spent the last two days sitting on my settee and having gazillions of cuddles from my darling boy and actually, he is a very good patient.  And while he slept on me yesterday I managed to watch over 2 hours of 'come dine with me' and another two of 'four in a bed' - the kind of lovely daytime tv that I never normally get time to watch and snooze in front of. 

Not being able to work has been a bummer though.  I have come up tonight as I shall still have Bean tomorrow while he gets his strength back so won't have done any work this week and am getting to the point where I would rather just not work.  I can't take long away from it or all the flow and motivation just vanishes.  Like, on Monday night I was super stressed about the fact that I would have to take time off this week to look after Bean - not that I blamed him or anything horrible like that, but it has been stressful not being able to work - and today I had to drag myself upstairs to work!  In that time I have gone from being totally motivated to not really caring and rather hiding from it.  It is scary.

But realising this in itself has been an eye-opener and the fact I am here says something about my commitment doesn't it.  I decided that even if I only spend an hour up here but manage to remind myself of what I am doing then that would be an achievement in itself, let alone doing any actual work.

DB is cool with the fact that I will be working all of saturday too.  Sunday avo I have a birthday party to go to for Bean - he and his little buddies from my antenatal group are all turning two now so we are having a partay for them.  AND I need to exercise.  I dunno how I shall fit it all in.

Work must come first though.  Sooooo to concentrate my mind...  Tonight I shall:  print off the chapter I just completed so I can proof-read it again (UG really don't want to so think I shall do this sort of informally while looking through) and use it for its partner chapter.  I shall read through the intro I have written for the new chapter and see what content I have (about 5000 words apparently, though of what I am unsure) and look through my scrawlings to see if I can find the point of it.  Hopefully it is really well written and really clever ;0)  I don't think it is.  THEN I will need to read my philosophy peeps as their ideas (that I have long forgotton apart from the bare bones) are fun-da-mental to this chapter, and also will need to be fed into the last chapter to tighten it up a bit.  But no biggie.  In fact, reading these peeps will scratch an itch that has been driving me crackers for, ahem, a year now but I just haven't had time or inclination.  Now is the time :0)

Righty, old chapter: open.  (oh no, please I don't want to look at it!)

x J

Finished the chapter!

Blimey!  After a gazillion months and three re-writes I reckon this chapter is cooked!

All proof-read, all flows, arguments are concise, references are there (bar one but whatever), fonts are the right size, word count super, bla bla blaaaaaa it is finisheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddddddd!

Already thinking it is a load of rubbish and am bound to think later about stuff I haven't got in it but for now I am satisfied.

Amazing!

bacon butty for me now (haven't had brekkers yet and it is lunchtime) and boozey later hurrah!

Will probably be back tomorrow working on my next chapter...  arf.

x J

STILL working!

This could become a habit!

My poor DB was off work yesterday with the flu (sort of, not quite bedridden but pretty manky poor thing) so I took advantage and worked from 6pm until 7.30 when I put bean to bed and made us dins and chilled, it being Friday night.  Today I am working again, have been since just before 9 and will continue until 11am. 
I want to work all day really, but DB is too fragile to deal with a bouncy toddler for more than a couple of hours at a time!  I want to get this chapter proof-read asap and put it to bed.  It is soooo boring now.  I will come back and work again sometime this aft, probably when the wean is having a nap and for a bit afterwards. 

I am then going to go out boozing tonight and watch the X factor at a friend's house to celebrate having this chapter done!  It will be done today!

Tomorrow I want to work too, I want to start digging my heels into my next chapter asap.  Need to be finished by the end of the month really.

Busy busy!

x J

Nearly done :0)

Well my working day is practically over and I shan't return until Saturday I expect...

But I have nearly finished my chapter wheee!  I need to go through it again and check it flows and has enough references in it from my fieldwork, I need to type my references into endnote (in front of the tele) and make sure the intro and conclusion fits with the content.  This will probably take a couple of hours but I am pleased nontheless.  Not really pleased, as it isn't quite done yet, but pleased enough I suppose.

Going to go and get my boy in a bit and try and be nicer to him!  Still feel stressy though!  I suppose at the mo I just want to work and feel guilty when I am hanging out with him that I am not working, and fretful that I am going to forget how to do it...  Nah, I really have written it, is just a case of a bit more editing so I shouldn't worry!

onwards!

x J

working away

Still working!

Worked last night until 9pm, put the baby to bed, had some tea and watched tele till about half ten, then went to bed and couldn't turn my brain off until gone midnight.  Oh dear.

Am tired and a bit stressy today.  Bit bored of looking at this chapter and the house feels so quiet and empty - am a bit lonely ;0)  Looking forwrd to getting my baby tonight and chilling with him tonight and tomorrow and putting work OUT of my mind.  I was thinking about it this morning and ignoring Bean and by the time I had come to he had managed to make a right mess of the bathroom and landing and I have a house inspection from the estate agents tomorrow (makes me feel about 12 having my house inspected.  Grrr) so I got cross.  I feel really bad about it now and it is now making me unable to concentrate on work!  how backwards is that?! 

I hate working and being stressed about work and trying to be a Mum, I am not very good at it!  Particularly now he is entering the terible twos.  Some of the stuff he does is just so annoying!  Like why pull stuff off the counter, or throw your big heavy toys, or knock stuff over?!  WHY?!  Because he is a toddler and he can't help it.  Bah.  My worries about work definitely affect my behaviour, my general sunniness and my tolerance levels.  Poor Bean.  I just can't compartmentalise my feelings/worries very well.  But I must learn.

So today I am proof reading and editing this chapter.  Hopefully the content is all there now, just needs neatening and tightening a bit.  Then I can move onto the next chapter, which would be such a relief!

x J

Evening all

So it is the start of my first evening shift...

My DB has come home early (well, not fannied around at work when he should be coming home) and is looking after the wean for the evening so I can do some WORK hurrah!  I plan to work until 8/8.30 depending on hunger, tiredness, work and Bean.  I hope to miss having to put Bean to bed altogether (I do it every night and the thrill of sitting in the dark cajoling a toddler to go to sleep is wearing thin ;0)) and skive at my laptop then skip down the stairs for me tea and some tele before bed. 

I did good work today, despite having to be at the hairdressers for one and a half hours.  What I was there for for that long I don't know; I hardly have any hair, I didn't have any colour or fancy schmancy stuff done (never do, I hate fancy schmancy stuff) but anyway, I was.  But it was fine really, I have nearly, nearly, nearly got this chapter done.  I have got the word count down to 7,500 and put lots of it into my next chapter which has brought that word count up to 5,000.  That is pleasing as the aim is for 8,000 wds per chapter.  If I could have both chapters done by the end of next week I would be a very happy lady indeed.  Tonight I need to go through this chapter with a fine tooth comb and riddle it with lots of quotes from various sources from my fieldwork to look like I talked to loads of people and back up every argument.  I then need to make sure all my arguments are linked to theory in some way, so they look well clever.  I need to make sure that it flows and isn't jumpy, and that the intro and conclusion state what this chapter is about, what my main contentions are and how it contributes to the thesis as a whole.

Then I can relax. 

Pretty sure I am not going to get all of that done tonight but I hope to make a big dent in it for tomorrow.

x J

Arf

Well, since I worked out that I have only three months to write up my PhD I have been a bit down as you can imagine.

I have been such an idiot letting it get to this stage!  Today I am working all day, although I have to get my haircut which is most annoying.  Then DB said he will come home early and look after bean and put him to bed and everything so I can work.  And we have agreed that I am allowed to work evey weekend until Jan.  I am seriously worried!  I can't work evenings, I am soooo tired with getting up to bean twice a night (at least - still, when will he sleeeep?!) and then working, then getting him and being with him until he finally goes to sleep at 8/8.30, then I have to cook and eat dinner - it is pretty relentless and the last thing I want to do is start work.  I guess at some point I shall just have to crack open some pro plus and get on with it...  But then again, if I am up with Bean in the night and up at 5-7am can I keep working like that before I get stupid and depressed?  I say not.

Anyway, I am going to work, work work and desperately try not to overthink this chapter and just get the info in there and MOVE ON.

x J

The Fear

Oh no.

I just went and made my coffee and realised that it is the middle of November!  I want to have my first draft done for the beginning of March - that is only three and a half months away!  With xmas bla bla that gives me three months to write my intro, concl, methodology and discussion chapters - and finish these two chapters!

Oh my goodness how on earth am I going to manage that?  I was thinking I would have a month per chapter, but I don't even have that any more and I have so much to do and really it takes me about two months to do a chapter if I am working hard!

Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

shit.

x J

juggling

Arg I am just juggling text and ideas!

So annoying and time consuming.  I hate fine tuning!  I have kept my revised chapter structure but have decided to split it into two chapters so I can go into a bit more depth.  This means changing some subheadings and the focus a bit, but for the better.  Doing this is so tricky though!  My brain hurts.

I am going to get a coffee now and then when I get back I will have just over an hour to get even further into this hole clear this up and go and get Bean.

I hate it when I get Bean and my mind is all full of work worries.  It makes me a rubbish, stressy mum.  It's worse with this too cause there is nothing I can do about it without full-on concentrated proper work with hours to spare.  Not anything I can do with him buzzing around wanting me to draw moons and windmills... Am no good at compartmentalising!

Am also miffed that I am doing this and not halfway through wrtiing the next chapter.  Although I suppose if I take a few thousand words out of this chapter to put into the next, which is my plan, then that is writing of a sort isn't it?! That makes me feel better.

x J

boo and yay

Weeeeeelllll

I did LOADS of work on Saturday!  I worked all day until 4pm.  It was great! 

Sunday didn't work though.  DB needed to go out and run off his cabin fever, then when he came back it was lunchtime so I agreed to going out for lunch so we could chill and have some family time before I came home and worked...  Got home and by the time I had put Bean down for his (very late) nap it was 4!  And I was full and snoozy!  So I didn't do any work.

Also, I went swimming last night and on the way home thought that maybe my empirical chapters were getting rather too bogged down in analysis, rather than being demonstrative.  An example of this being that I don't have enough room ini my word count to put many more quotes from my research but I need to put in a LOT more quotes.  SO I reckon I should get on with putting in these examples of my research and leave some analysis for the discussion and conclusion.  NO bad thing. 

It has made me fret though that the work I did on Saturday may end up being defunct...  I think I may have messaed around with something that was perfectly fine the way it was but needed a bit of smartening up.  Being a busy fool basically.

Today I am working my socks off.  I am so motivated by the thought of never having to look at my empirical stuff again!  I would LOVE to be in the position where I 'only' have my chapters left that don't need much original research, like the discussion, lit review, intro and concl. Eek and methodology.  Hmm maybe I have quite a bit to do ;0)

Anywho, am off to procrastinate for ten minutes then shall worky work work.

x J

Working!

Yes, I am working. 

It is sunny for the first time in a week so I am gutted that I am having to spend it at my laptop and not out with my family but at the same time am so pleased to be getting back on track!  It is important for Bean to spend some time with DB on his own too so is good I am up here.  And I could do with some time off being the main cooker person and cleaner and tidier so is nice to have DB downstairs making me crekky while I work.

Big incentive for me today is to get as much done as possible so I can try and have some of tomorrow off to spend with my family.  Priority is though to get this chapter done. 

I have noticed that as my PhD progresses the writing process seems to get muckier.  Whereas before when I needed to write a chapter I would write a plan and then write the chapter, now it seems that I plan, plan again and then plan again, having to cross reference with other chapters all the time to make sure I am not repeating myself.  And I need to re-write the intro all the time, when previously the intro would be my guide now it is always in doubt as I get new ideas or fancy writing in something different or the structure changes.

I don't like it!

x J

Busy!

I did lots of work today hurray hurray! 

have nearly finished re-jigging the first chapter of my empirical stuff, just need to finish the necessary copy-and-pasting and then read through and make it make sense.  And then read through and make it sound clever ;0).  I am doing the copy-and-pasting tonight in front of the tele (I know it's bad but I have only just got the little dude to sleep and want some down time before bed.  This is as good as it gets!) and will do the thinky-work over the weekend.  DB has been forewarned that I shan't be around much this weekend, and anyway they could do with some bonding time without me.

I really hope to have this chapter done by the end of the weekend, then I have three weeks until Dec, when I would like to have written the next chapter.  The thought of a) having the empirical stuff DOWN so I never have to look at my interviews or notes from India again and b) sending my Sup two complete chapters is very exciting!  I would love to be able to move on and start on the discussion - then I really will feel like i am getting somewhere.

Pleeeeease nothing get in the way! (like childminder having to be off, or bean getting ill, or me getting ill, or DB randomly inviting people to come to stay...)  fingers crossed!

x J

haha

I have just realised why, perhaps, all of a sudden my work is so appealing! 

May have something to do with the fact that my darling boy has succumbed to the terrible twos (all of a sudden this weekend...  he is two next month so not doing too badly really) and is, ahem, becoming rather a handful!  So being here, working, ALONE, in silence, with no-one desperately clinging to my leg saying 'mummymummymummy' then shouting at me when I go to pick him up (how dare I misread the situation so?!) for obviously squashing his independence is really quite lovely.  You see, here I am being a Grown Up, and entering a land that is otherwise barred to me as the stay-at-home Mum-to-a-toddler.  Previously, being with my Bean has been by far the preferred option, him being so lovely and funny and caring and kind and just yumptiousness.  And now, all of a sudden, he is so confusing!  And so very demanding and yet if I respond I have probably got it wrong and deserve a good growling at.  This work is lovely respite and really rather straightforward.  And it doesn't answer back.  Or make me feel guilty (all guilt feelings from me, not purposefully induced by him!) And if I want to make a cup of coffee then I absolutely can, without negotiating with anyone (I'm going to make a coffee then I shall be straight back for cuddles and yes of course I will watch Abney and Teal the rainbow episode with you for the gazillionth time).  And I just feel like ME.

Hurrah.

Am not procrastinating btw.  Am pontificating.  Reflecting.  Rationalising and analysing *everything* that happens to me, as is my wont as a researcher ;0)

x J

The PhD Paradox

Is the fact the I hate my work, I resent having to do it and the stress of it infiltrates every corner of my waking life.

However, when I am doing it, when I have broken into it and have some rhythmn and basic understanding of what the hell it is all about it is incredibly fulfilling, rewarding and, dare I say it, enjoyable.

So why, when I am having to do it, when I am procrastinating, when I am having sleepless nights over the horror of it, can I not just remember that I like it really?  Then I wouldn't be anything like as stressed or worried, and I would surely look forward to sitting at my desk when I have to?!  I am having a grand time at the mo!  I am working, I have a lovely autumnal view of my garden, I have a quiet house and am actually using my brain for something that has nothing to do with anyone but me.  SO why do I hate it so much?! 

Bah, contrary mary.

x J

No more faff!

Today I am AT WORK.

I am working, working, working.  Am going to be a perfect student. 

I have been hating my work so much but am sure this is largely because of a) life events bla bla and b) having been away too long.  I was thinking about what in particular was making it so horrible and really it was all about being so very bored and it being so very boring.  That, my dear, is NOT a good enough reason to not work! 

So, boring or not, here I go.  Hours and hours ahead of me to succeed and be brilliant.

laters!

x J

ps.  the baby slept for 7.5 hours straight last night.  Can you tell?!  hehe.

Feel rubbish but...

am at work proper today.  Am upstairs at my desk and trying to get organised.  Am eating healthily and trying to balance myself to get better.  Had a whine at DB last night and he was most supportive so feel much better.

Just need to start sleeping again, am shattered!

Today I aim to do two hours of work, no more no less.  Building up slowly but surely :0)  I have a healthy lunch awaiting me and may take a nap this afternoon!  thinking about joining a gym, think that would help.  Running seems too daunting and swimming takes up so much time getting there etc it is only feasible on a weekend - which I already do.

Ok then, better get on!

x J

Don't ask

Arf.  I am mardy.  Too mardy to sleep, to mardy to socialise, too mardy to work.  It's all I can do to hide it from Bean.

Today I am thinking about working but really, really want to just hide under some covers and stare at the tv.  I would take a sicky if this was a normal job.  Thing is, what if I stay mardy for weeks?  I can't take every day off and last week was pretty unproductive.  It's getting to crunch time - not a time to be wagging off feeling sorry for myself!

I am so mardy I can't even tell anyone.  Am a completely depressing, grumpy, knackered idiot. 

I think I shall take a look at my work and see if there is anything i can concentrate on.  I really think I should try and give myself permission to take the day off and lounge about and wallow a bit, with a view to getting better later and hopefully waking up tomorrow feeling spritely and with my coping mechanisms nicely back in place. 

I know I should go swimming or something, get some happy hormones kicking in.  But I am so fatigued even walkinig makes me ache.  I am such a feeb!  Oh what to do. 

I shall try and work and then hide and try and recuperate enough to be cheery for Bean when I need to get him later.  The guilt that we are paying for his childcare, to be loved by someone else while I sit at home wallowing in nonsense doesn't really help though.

Hey ho, peaks and troughs.  It's only work.

x J

Okay but...

Right ok, so yesterday I crowed about my working brilliance, nipped off to make lunch and didn't really make it back again. 

Disappeared into a procrastination-induced black hole I did.  Today I have been actively avoiding my work by being at a friend's house drinking tea.  In my defence I am absolutely fine as goes meeting deadline targets so just taking advantage of being hugely well organised (erm...  or deluded) and have had a really crrap week so am nurturing myself yes?!  Anyway, now I am going to eat some lunch and then work!  I will work for a good couple of hours plugging away at this here empirical chapter.  It is all going just fine, no surprises or confusions at the mo, is just like any old essay that has been researched and planned and is ready to write.

For now anyway...

x J

I'm working!

I am working hurrah! 

I was procrastinating terribly, mucking about on t'internet and texting people who are too busy to reply and making cups of hot drinks I didn't actually want ;0)  Then I had a talk with myself and realised that it wasn't the work I didn't want to do, it was having to go upstairs to my quiet, lonely office and sit and type.  Too intense...  so I made a deal with myself and am now happily working away in front of the tele.  Well, sideways on to the tele.  And am completely ignoring it and typing away.  I have made a big mess of the sitting room with all my paper which isn't ideal as I will have to pack it all up later which may be irritating.  But, wonderfully, we had the biggest, softest settee delivered last Monday (a proper grown-up one!  not second hand or a hand-me-down but a proper big family settee!  Ooooh get me) and me, my laptop and all my notes fit on it superbly *and* I still have room to have a wee lie down and a ponder when necessary.

Huzzahs!

Am hungry so am off to make my leek and potato soup - with the milk I poached some smoked haddock in last night so it'll be kinda like a chowder.  Tasty!  I shall make, eat, then resume my work.  I am babysitting a friend's toddler tonight but first have to give him *and* Bean their tea.  Together.  At the same time.  I will be horribly outnumbered.  Eek!

x J

it's ok

Ah ha.

I am not depressed - PHEW!  I realised yesterday evening that actually I have been really struggling with the fact that my Mum has cut me off since we told her that we wanted a small wedding and that she wasn't going to be able to come.  I know that is harsh and any mum would be sad about it, but she hasn't talked to me since except to tell me not to contact her again.  Well, she called to apologise but just argued instead.  I tried to make it up somehow but she isn't interested and this has been getting me down - but because I am busy and confused about it all I didn't realise.  Now i do and can just get on with it.  It's a long story but anyway, that is that!  I will not let it get me down any more.

Workwise I am ready to do some writing!  Hurrah!  Or not, as I am scared of having to write after all this time!  I need to re-write my first empirical chapter and set up the second properly.  This is scary and will take lots of concentration and in all honesty I can't be bothered ;0)  I must do it though!  UG working in concentrated silence seems so horrible.  Pleeeeease can I work in front of the tele?!  Please?!  No?  Oh boo.

Anywho, better get on with it.  Arf.  Don't wanna.

x J

tiiiiiired

Oh I am sooooo tired.

I did some work today, the first time I have been able to for weeks it feels.  First we had the drink daaan saath, then came home and the childminder had to be off with her sick child so last week I did nossing.  Today I did some which is ace.

Am feeling so very tired because my own baby has been ill and because I haven't been going to bed early enough basically. trips away, people to stay, house to clean for guests, on and on.  Oh and I have been under the weather and rather an insomniac.  I am hoping to get some sleep tonight.

Workwise I have realised today that my first draft deadline of Dec or possibly Jan is a delusion.  I am not working on a first draft deadline any more but just a get-it-done one ;0)  No more promises of drafts, just going to plough on and start sending chapters off as and when I can.  No promises even when they are written, but basically am trying to do one a month and hope to have the first edit done for, ahem, the end of feb.  Then I shall have march, april and may to re-write and polish.  There is no point slogging my guts out and being miserable to hand it in early.

Am generally very low in myself at the moment and trying not to give in to it.  Am seriously worried that I might be approaching one of the bouts of depression that seem to get me every couple of years and last for a few months.  Then they go.  I have been feeling like this for about 6 weeks I suppose, though I was putting it down to stress/hormones.  but whatever I do I only seem to wake each day feeling more dejected.  I just can't bring myself to do anything apart from look after Bean (goes without saying he needs to be looked after) but without him I think I would be in my pjs all day just dipping in and out of work and feeling useless.  I hate these bouts and just really hope it is hormones and that I snap out of it with a bit of exercise.  Must do some running/swimming to get on an even keel again.

All will be well.  That I am oon here is a good sign, I haven't even been bothered to write about it - too mardy ;0)

Laters y'all off to pick up the wean.

x J