If it is possible to be too pregnant, that is what I am... I didn't post yesterday because the day was rubbish, I did very little but admin stuff (chasing up the library about a library book I didn't actually have/re-enrolling/sorting out funding info etc) and then just boobed around on the internet. Felt quite rubbish by the end of the day and do again today.
Was quite miffed yesterday really because I got really late notice about a friend wanting to come and stay. I was feeling v pregnant, fat and tired and the thought of having to clean and tidy the house, make up the spare room, fill the fridge and put on a jolly smile was doing my head in. And today is not much better! In fact I am in tantrum mode today and really want it to all go away, so I can just spend the day going for a swim (to counteract the 'fat' feeling) and settling into writing my presentation. Instead I have been informed this morning that said guest (who is a friend but is using the place to stay whie she finds somewhere to live, not to visit us per se, so is not quite like I invited them and am now having a sulk about it) is arriving at lunchtime and then realised I am going to have to feed them UG - what do non pregnant people eat?! Salad stuff I guess?! I just eat whatever I can be fussed with in the daytime tbh (healthy, like soup but you can't feed three people one tub of soup!) or have some eggsies or whatever. Arf, maybe I shall take her out for lunch and then I can get some chocolate cake, a bit of perspective, and give DB some space to work...
I am looking forward to seeing her is just all the stuff around it. Also, tomorrow is a big Beanie day as we are 27 weeks, at the end of the second trimester, (woo!) and we will only have ten weeks until he is fully cooked (and I have maternity leave PHEW)! This is really exciting but we won't be able to do anything about it all day which for some, probably hugely pregnant and unreasonable reason, I am resenting. Even though we are going out for dinner in town and then going to a comedy gig (has been booked since May, so looking forward to it!) in the evening! So guest will be here on their ownio which is a bit wierd but cool I guess.
Arf, am being a good mate, DB keeps saying it, and there is no way I would let my friend know how cross I am about the whole thing - is all very petty I know. Is just that I was given no notice and I feel that my hefty preggers status has been completely overlooked and it is the fact I work from home has been translated into 'so you are free at the drop of a hat' which I begrudge. Yes, I work from home but no, it does not mean I am going to spend the afternoon dancing for you but in fact, I have work to do! You know, like as if I was at work?! So I will just rant here and then plaster on a smile. Am off to make up the bed in the spare room now, which will give me bump ache for the rest of the day but, you know, WHATEVER.
Bah.
Workwise I am going to try and settle into writing my presentation this afternoon but will have to work in the kitchen so don't know how well that will go down. I really want to have it sorted for the end of the week (she is leaving on Friday; when? I know not) and have a good idea of how my chapters are reading. Arf, it ain't gonna happen is it?
Not heard from Sup yet about the work I sent him... I don't know if this is a good or bad thing but am getting increasingly scared. Also not heard from any of the translation people :0(
x J
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Monday, 28 September 2009
Good day!
Weeeeeeeeeeeee! I am a good worker :0)
I am now in the fourth and final year of my PhD, estimated end date of Sept 2011 (with a baby in between lol). Eek! It makes little sense to me if I remember how in awe I was of final year students when I started... they were old and they were wise - and confident - but I am not like this! Wellll, the confidence is probably the main difference. I am definitely older, not wise, but more confident - when I started I was just waiting for someone to send me packing as if allowing me on the course was a big mistake! I suppose by now I have gone through all the MRes rubbish, the worry trying to work out what I am doing with my thoughts, and the lack of confidence that you have anything worth saying - and done the fieldwork. Being post-fieldwork is a big marker in a PhD I think.
I did a plan this morning for work to have achieved between now and when I stop working around the 11th December. Uni finishes for the xmas break a week later than that so I shan't be missing anything or called in for anything which is great - I will feel a lot more relaxed and much less like a skiver. It will probably take me a while to wind down and forget about the work tbh, but I wil have xmas to focus on, oh, and a baby I suppose... so should be ok?! Silly me.
Yep, so I did a plan. Over the weekend I thought about how to help my working day along a little more, and decided that maybe I should sort of go 'part time' so I feel I have lots of time to do nothing (be tired and stupid) but also get lots of work done, so decided to plan on doing a four hour day. This means I should be doing concentrated work for four hours every day - which is not full time I know but ARG who can sit and write for 7 solid hours day-in, day-out? Someone with a very tight and looming deadline yes, but not the normal PhD student who has months and months of writing stretching out in front of them. So four hours of good work is my aim, two hours in the morning and two in the afternoon, with room for food, faff, a nap (if necessary) and exercise. And today worked very well. I felt structured, I did not feel like a loser because if I zoned out for half an hour I can always make that time up - you can fit 4 hours in quite easily - and I did not feel so pressured I did nothing. You know that horrible feeling that you have when you sit down, that the day will never end, will just drag on and on and you will never do any work so what's the point? Well, you an't feel like that if you're 'part time'. AND the cunning part is that four hours is easy, so you will inevitably do more than that most days. I mean, I am still here and I don't feel any pain! And it's 5.45 on a Monday! And also, tomorrow I have an appt at a fancy gym for a look-see, (am just going for a nose and a free swim in a posh pool) in the morning, and normally i would feel guilty but no need! I can be home and do my four hours in the afternoon, no probs. I will have to work hard and have them all in a row but, you know, it feels manageable. Hurray! We shall how it works, but for now it is a good 'un.
Read some of the Joan Bolker bible this morning too and made me feel like on the whole, I have the same problems as everyone else and generally tackle them in the right way. This was reassuring. Is actually a very good book (Writing your dissertation in 15 mins a day it is called) and I would recommend it.
Sorted out my chapters today too, and realised I have a total of 25,000 words done... good going - is just under a third of the total! A third! I can fill the rest up *easily* so hurray! Although the devil is in the detail, let us not forget that... But I shall cross that bridge when it comes to it - for now just getting the words down is the main thing.
So, gym tomorrow am and then working on my presentation in the pm.
x J
I am now in the fourth and final year of my PhD, estimated end date of Sept 2011 (with a baby in between lol). Eek! It makes little sense to me if I remember how in awe I was of final year students when I started... they were old and they were wise - and confident - but I am not like this! Wellll, the confidence is probably the main difference. I am definitely older, not wise, but more confident - when I started I was just waiting for someone to send me packing as if allowing me on the course was a big mistake! I suppose by now I have gone through all the MRes rubbish, the worry trying to work out what I am doing with my thoughts, and the lack of confidence that you have anything worth saying - and done the fieldwork. Being post-fieldwork is a big marker in a PhD I think.
I did a plan this morning for work to have achieved between now and when I stop working around the 11th December. Uni finishes for the xmas break a week later than that so I shan't be missing anything or called in for anything which is great - I will feel a lot more relaxed and much less like a skiver. It will probably take me a while to wind down and forget about the work tbh, but I wil have xmas to focus on, oh, and a baby I suppose... so should be ok?! Silly me.
Yep, so I did a plan. Over the weekend I thought about how to help my working day along a little more, and decided that maybe I should sort of go 'part time' so I feel I have lots of time to do nothing (be tired and stupid) but also get lots of work done, so decided to plan on doing a four hour day. This means I should be doing concentrated work for four hours every day - which is not full time I know but ARG who can sit and write for 7 solid hours day-in, day-out? Someone with a very tight and looming deadline yes, but not the normal PhD student who has months and months of writing stretching out in front of them. So four hours of good work is my aim, two hours in the morning and two in the afternoon, with room for food, faff, a nap (if necessary) and exercise. And today worked very well. I felt structured, I did not feel like a loser because if I zoned out for half an hour I can always make that time up - you can fit 4 hours in quite easily - and I did not feel so pressured I did nothing. You know that horrible feeling that you have when you sit down, that the day will never end, will just drag on and on and you will never do any work so what's the point? Well, you an't feel like that if you're 'part time'. AND the cunning part is that four hours is easy, so you will inevitably do more than that most days. I mean, I am still here and I don't feel any pain! And it's 5.45 on a Monday! And also, tomorrow I have an appt at a fancy gym for a look-see, (am just going for a nose and a free swim in a posh pool) in the morning, and normally i would feel guilty but no need! I can be home and do my four hours in the afternoon, no probs. I will have to work hard and have them all in a row but, you know, it feels manageable. Hurray! We shall how it works, but for now it is a good 'un.
Read some of the Joan Bolker bible this morning too and made me feel like on the whole, I have the same problems as everyone else and generally tackle them in the right way. This was reassuring. Is actually a very good book (Writing your dissertation in 15 mins a day it is called) and I would recommend it.
Sorted out my chapters today too, and realised I have a total of 25,000 words done... good going - is just under a third of the total! A third! I can fill the rest up *easily* so hurray! Although the devil is in the detail, let us not forget that... But I shall cross that bridge when it comes to it - for now just getting the words down is the main thing.
So, gym tomorrow am and then working on my presentation in the pm.
x J
Friday, 25 September 2009
Friday!
Yay it's Friday, and not *just* Friday, but the end of friday! hurray!
Not that it makes any odds to me - yes, you guessed it, I did nothing. And I mean nothing. I think I decided to take the day off as the editing I did have planned for these past two days doesn't need doing. Had a nice email from Sup last night saying he had my work but was super busy at the mo with the new students which I understand, was nice of him to keep me informed though. So am feeling quite relaxed.
Had terrible bump ache today though so have been lying on the bed for most of the day and not really been very mobile. Did manage to get to the shops for a bacon sarnie though... I was desperate for some meaty goodness! And a massive bar of galaxy chocolate which I wolfed down before I even had time to think about it - freaky! Beanie has been so busy today too bless him, but not my bump!
Am going to have a nice bath which should soothe my pains and will then take up my official friday night/weekend position on the settee for the night. With some cake. Cake! I never eat cake let alone buy a whole one.
Am just putting it down to being 'one of those days'. Have done some emailing and admin stuff, but not even opened my chapter. Oh well - I deserve some kind of break after my manic 6000 word writing last week!
x J
Not that it makes any odds to me - yes, you guessed it, I did nothing. And I mean nothing. I think I decided to take the day off as the editing I did have planned for these past two days doesn't need doing. Had a nice email from Sup last night saying he had my work but was super busy at the mo with the new students which I understand, was nice of him to keep me informed though. So am feeling quite relaxed.
Had terrible bump ache today though so have been lying on the bed for most of the day and not really been very mobile. Did manage to get to the shops for a bacon sarnie though... I was desperate for some meaty goodness! And a massive bar of galaxy chocolate which I wolfed down before I even had time to think about it - freaky! Beanie has been so busy today too bless him, but not my bump!
Am going to have a nice bath which should soothe my pains and will then take up my official friday night/weekend position on the settee for the night. With some cake. Cake! I never eat cake let alone buy a whole one.
Am just putting it down to being 'one of those days'. Have done some emailing and admin stuff, but not even opened my chapter. Oh well - I deserve some kind of break after my manic 6000 word writing last week!
x J
Thursday, 24 September 2009
Let us think...
I didn't really *do* much today, but I feel quite happy about this so, you know, whatever.
One thing I have realised is... I am in the writing up stage.
Somehow this has crept up on me. There has been no trumpet sound or official announcement or meeting, it has just occured to me (and by 'just', I mean literally just now) that I am writing up now. I do have my research to 'analyse' but I am not really analysing it, I just need the interviews to be translated so I can see what they say and then write it out into my Indian chapter, and look at how it compares with the political and humanitarian representations of the aid effort. Then I do need to do some analysis but should be a) interesting and b) not really take long. It is not a chore because it is the *last* piece of the jigsaw that is my thesis. I like juggling the pieces, it is when they are all in place and just need to be written up that it is tedious - the actual thinking and pondering and eureka moments (assuming one happens that is) are fun!
I think this is pretty ok really, considering I have a whole year to go. I am bang on target to complete on time I would say... So , for this reason, I can be pleased. I cannot, however, be relaxed. Oh no. Because writing up is a whole new ballgame. It takes a whole new mentality and focus. I needs strict deadlines and targets. It is the hardest part - because it is soooooo boring and long and unrewarding and blaaaaaaaaa.
SO! How are we to tackle this then? Make targets - Beanie's arrival is a big deadline that I am working towards atm. My Sup seems to think that I will have an entire first draft done by then which sounds lovely but isn't true. I will do what I can, tis all I can say.
Chapters:
Intro Do next year. 10,000 words
Lit review Write next year, plan this year? 15,000 words
Methodology Draft One done. 8,000 words
Humanit bit Draft One done. 8,000 words
Political bit Draft one done and being re-done now to include conf paper. 8-10,000 words
Indian bit Write rough draft this year (do in Oct). 8,000 words
Discussion Write rough draft this year (do in Nov). 15,000 words
Conclusion Do next year. 5,000 words
I aim to finish all this year's work for the beg of Dec, am likely to have my final Uni monitoring meeting in Dec when they will want my chaper outline and some plan of writing-up, which I have definitely got all sorted! Will the writing get easier? Hmmm. Is definitely not easy at the mo! But now I have realised I am actually in the writing zone I can be more strict with myself. I have been a bit in denial I think. And focussing on the conference.
Tomorrow then, I shall do a decent timeline and the rejigging of my political chaper so all chapters are as they should be for now. Housekeeping and editing I suppose you would call it. Then on Monday I may have heard from Sup about the conf paper. Anyway, until I do hear, sorting out how it will fit into the chapter will keep me busy next week and then that chapter will actually be done! (For review, but as done as it can be for the forseeable!) Exciting!
I'll give myself until Weds to do that and start Oct anew on a new chapter...
I start my new year on Monday... am not changing my profile until then to say am in the forth and final year. At the mo I take refuge in the fact I am still in the third year and have a complete year still in front of me!!! ;0)
x J
One thing I have realised is... I am in the writing up stage.
Somehow this has crept up on me. There has been no trumpet sound or official announcement or meeting, it has just occured to me (and by 'just', I mean literally just now) that I am writing up now. I do have my research to 'analyse' but I am not really analysing it, I just need the interviews to be translated so I can see what they say and then write it out into my Indian chapter, and look at how it compares with the political and humanitarian representations of the aid effort. Then I do need to do some analysis but should be a) interesting and b) not really take long. It is not a chore because it is the *last* piece of the jigsaw that is my thesis. I like juggling the pieces, it is when they are all in place and just need to be written up that it is tedious - the actual thinking and pondering and eureka moments (assuming one happens that is) are fun!
I think this is pretty ok really, considering I have a whole year to go. I am bang on target to complete on time I would say... So , for this reason, I can be pleased. I cannot, however, be relaxed. Oh no. Because writing up is a whole new ballgame. It takes a whole new mentality and focus. I needs strict deadlines and targets. It is the hardest part - because it is soooooo boring and long and unrewarding and blaaaaaaaaa.
SO! How are we to tackle this then? Make targets - Beanie's arrival is a big deadline that I am working towards atm. My Sup seems to think that I will have an entire first draft done by then which sounds lovely but isn't true. I will do what I can, tis all I can say.
Chapters:
Intro Do next year. 10,000 words
Lit review Write next year, plan this year? 15,000 words
Methodology Draft One done. 8,000 words
Humanit bit Draft One done. 8,000 words
Political bit Draft one done and being re-done now to include conf paper. 8-10,000 words
Indian bit Write rough draft this year (do in Oct). 8,000 words
Discussion Write rough draft this year (do in Nov). 15,000 words
Conclusion Do next year. 5,000 words
I aim to finish all this year's work for the beg of Dec, am likely to have my final Uni monitoring meeting in Dec when they will want my chaper outline and some plan of writing-up, which I have definitely got all sorted! Will the writing get easier? Hmmm. Is definitely not easy at the mo! But now I have realised I am actually in the writing zone I can be more strict with myself. I have been a bit in denial I think. And focussing on the conference.
Tomorrow then, I shall do a decent timeline and the rejigging of my political chaper so all chapters are as they should be for now. Housekeeping and editing I suppose you would call it. Then on Monday I may have heard from Sup about the conf paper. Anyway, until I do hear, sorting out how it will fit into the chapter will keep me busy next week and then that chapter will actually be done! (For review, but as done as it can be for the forseeable!) Exciting!
I'll give myself until Weds to do that and start Oct anew on a new chapter...
I start my new year on Monday... am not changing my profile until then to say am in the forth and final year. At the mo I take refuge in the fact I am still in the third year and have a complete year still in front of me!!! ;0)
x J
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
umm
Today I say at my desk all day...
and looked up accommodation for my and DB's trip away after the presentation and for his beeday... and bought him some beeday pressies... and emailed my friends... and pondered.
Decided in the end to email my work to my Sup - the 6,000 words I wrote last week for the conference - and await his response before moving on too much with it. I tried to work on it all day and it took me that long to realise I wasn't avoiding it as such, I just wasn't sure what I was meant to be doing with it! I mean, do I spend days re-writing it for Sup just for him to tell me to write it again for whatever reason? What's the point in that? I may as well send it to him as it is now, and then if he tells me it is trash I haven't wasted days editing it for no reason. If he says it is good this will give me some lovely, much-needed motivation to tighten it up and make it PhD-worthy. Whatever happens, I realised I could do with some outside input before moving on with it. Is the beginning of term so am not expecting a quick reply, but feel happy that I have sent something with some depth to him to show am not just sitting at home being pregnant and absent-minded... (shhh, don't tell him!)
I have eczema coming up on my fingers and it itches me :0( Is a sign of the cooler times obviously. Am feeling quite christmassy! May be peaking a bit early?!!
Oh, I emailed an Indian contact who has offered their translation services too... please, please help me! Oh AND I heard from my RA over the weekend, after I sent him an email saying that time was running out about the translation work and could he donate the money I paid in advance to his NGO, saying he will have it done soon. Excellent, I love 'soon'...
Tomorrow I am going to get out my revised chapter outline and, I think, get out the info for the next chapter, which is the 'Indian voice'... I have quite a bit of info already, before needing the interviews... I will sort out the conference presentation when I have heard from my Sup, made the necessary amendments and can start it with confidence that that is actually what I am going to say! No point working on it if my Sup tells me not to use any of it! I want to have the pres planned out and written for the end of the month ideally. Then I just need to practice it, but can have my 'day job' as the next chapter. Am running out of time!!
I had an epiphany about the conference last night which caused me to have a lovely nights sleep ;0) I realised that even if I stammer and stutter and give the worst presentation ever - what can *actually* happen to me? Will I be marked badly and have to repeat it? No. Will people jeer at me and throw tomatoes? No. Will I fail my PhD? No. An exam of some kind? No. This is the first presentation I have *ever* had to do that is purely to disseminate information, without fear of retribution. The only thing at stake is my pride, and if I work hard and practice, practice, practice, then even if it is terrible on the day, if I feel that I worked hard and tried my best then I can't feel bad about it. All I have to be worried about is being nervous doing the presentation - but there is really no need, it should be fun in a twisted way! I get to show off my ideas to like-minded geeks! We are all there at this big geek assembly to talk about waht we love most - politics. And we all talk to each other about it, in presentations, and ask each other questions, we agree and disagree and get off on it! So, with that in mind, I have much more calm. I felt that I was being marked, was going to be humiliated - that it was, ultimately, a test but it ISN'T.
Thank goodness!
x J
and looked up accommodation for my and DB's trip away after the presentation and for his beeday... and bought him some beeday pressies... and emailed my friends... and pondered.
Decided in the end to email my work to my Sup - the 6,000 words I wrote last week for the conference - and await his response before moving on too much with it. I tried to work on it all day and it took me that long to realise I wasn't avoiding it as such, I just wasn't sure what I was meant to be doing with it! I mean, do I spend days re-writing it for Sup just for him to tell me to write it again for whatever reason? What's the point in that? I may as well send it to him as it is now, and then if he tells me it is trash I haven't wasted days editing it for no reason. If he says it is good this will give me some lovely, much-needed motivation to tighten it up and make it PhD-worthy. Whatever happens, I realised I could do with some outside input before moving on with it. Is the beginning of term so am not expecting a quick reply, but feel happy that I have sent something with some depth to him to show am not just sitting at home being pregnant and absent-minded... (shhh, don't tell him!)
I have eczema coming up on my fingers and it itches me :0( Is a sign of the cooler times obviously. Am feeling quite christmassy! May be peaking a bit early?!!
Oh, I emailed an Indian contact who has offered their translation services too... please, please help me! Oh AND I heard from my RA over the weekend, after I sent him an email saying that time was running out about the translation work and could he donate the money I paid in advance to his NGO, saying he will have it done soon. Excellent, I love 'soon'...
Tomorrow I am going to get out my revised chapter outline and, I think, get out the info for the next chapter, which is the 'Indian voice'... I have quite a bit of info already, before needing the interviews... I will sort out the conference presentation when I have heard from my Sup, made the necessary amendments and can start it with confidence that that is actually what I am going to say! No point working on it if my Sup tells me not to use any of it! I want to have the pres planned out and written for the end of the month ideally. Then I just need to practice it, but can have my 'day job' as the next chapter. Am running out of time!!
I had an epiphany about the conference last night which caused me to have a lovely nights sleep ;0) I realised that even if I stammer and stutter and give the worst presentation ever - what can *actually* happen to me? Will I be marked badly and have to repeat it? No. Will people jeer at me and throw tomatoes? No. Will I fail my PhD? No. An exam of some kind? No. This is the first presentation I have *ever* had to do that is purely to disseminate information, without fear of retribution. The only thing at stake is my pride, and if I work hard and practice, practice, practice, then even if it is terrible on the day, if I feel that I worked hard and tried my best then I can't feel bad about it. All I have to be worried about is being nervous doing the presentation - but there is really no need, it should be fun in a twisted way! I get to show off my ideas to like-minded geeks! We are all there at this big geek assembly to talk about waht we love most - politics. And we all talk to each other about it, in presentations, and ask each other questions, we agree and disagree and get off on it! So, with that in mind, I have much more calm. I felt that I was being marked, was going to be humiliated - that it was, ultimately, a test but it ISN'T.
Thank goodness!
x J
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
splat
I handed in my paper, I have receipt of acknowledgment for my paper; I am pleased!
So that is done. No fanfair and in the end it does seem that I am the only one who has handed it in on my panel! But is not big deal, and is very rough. I now have a couple of weeks to tidy it up for the panel to read, which I will do for the end of the week and then send to my Sup. I shall then change it for my PhD - or at least do it in rough form ready for when I come off maternity leave (must remember not to get anal about stuff now, just need to get stuff down!), then do the presentation. Can't *wait* to start on the presentation and feel some sense of control over it, am so nervous and worried and am having bad dreams about it! My friend who I was meant to be staying with over the conference weekend has let me down with a sudden wedding she didn't know about... so will stay with my other friend who lives right near the venue and was my preferred choice anyway! Wee, am very pleased.
Am feeling a bit stressy about work and fitting everything in in time so am going to have a bath and chill out for a bit. My ma went home today to and am feeling somewhat bereft :0( Am knackered and taking the day off, so ner.
x J
So that is done. No fanfair and in the end it does seem that I am the only one who has handed it in on my panel! But is not big deal, and is very rough. I now have a couple of weeks to tidy it up for the panel to read, which I will do for the end of the week and then send to my Sup. I shall then change it for my PhD - or at least do it in rough form ready for when I come off maternity leave (must remember not to get anal about stuff now, just need to get stuff down!), then do the presentation. Can't *wait* to start on the presentation and feel some sense of control over it, am so nervous and worried and am having bad dreams about it! My friend who I was meant to be staying with over the conference weekend has let me down with a sudden wedding she didn't know about... so will stay with my other friend who lives right near the venue and was my preferred choice anyway! Wee, am very pleased.
Am feeling a bit stressy about work and fitting everything in in time so am going to have a bath and chill out for a bit. My ma went home today to and am feeling somewhat bereft :0( Am knackered and taking the day off, so ner.
x J
Sunday, 20 September 2009
All done!
Woo, my paper is done!
I just finished it, was going to leave it till tomorrow and just thought i would have a tinker and managed to get it done! Is such a brilliant feeling!
I worked for about 2 hours and then my ma came to stay yesterday so we had some drinks (not me, obviously) and went out for dinner (where I ate a lot, obviously) and i had the most awful, horrid night's sleep. I woke up at 3am wide awake, and then at around 4am beanie woke up and kicked alllllllllll night. I had horrid dreams that he was being hurt or was an alien and that I was far away from home with people who wouldn't look after me and I was so worried about bean. I woke up feeling vile and... hungover?! And guilty that I hadn't been able to look after Bean, though it was a dream. Went out and about to the local festival today, came back and tried to work and couldn't, decided to leave it till tomorrow but then did it just now as was checking emails anyway. Soooo happy as it means I can have tomorrow off! Completely. Will email it off to someone (who?! Does anyone care?!) and that's it. Am having Tuesday off too wooty! Then Weds, Thurs and Fri will re-write it as it is actually 5,750 words of Very Rough-ness - I wouldn't normally even send this draft off to my Sup to check. But I keep thinking that he did say it could even be in note form and to only make it 20 pages. It is 21 pages and not in note form, but an essay with an abstract, keywords, intro, middle and conclusion AND pretty much all my references. Albeit it's not very well worded (bit wordy and colloqiual), I would prefer more sources to be used as I rely on a core few which isn't all that representative, and I would like to see if I need to add another facet to the argument or if I really can leave it out (i have it written in atm, but very roughly and pretty much in note form). Some refs aren't in there and it needs some serious tightening up. But it is a decent first draft, the argument is there, the intro matches the content and my thesis is backed up by empirical evidence. Lots of checking and re-writing aside it could be that it will always seem banal to me because I know it so well, but actually be of interest to someone else... hmmm!
So, another deadline met and down, next one is to get this into a decent draft and off to Sup, and also to work out how it fits into my PhD! May need some rewriting again. THEN, I need to get on with the presentation. I hope I don't need powerpoint. I can't wait to start practising it so I can feel more in control you know?
After the presentation I will only have 6 working weeks left before I start to wind up for maternity leave. In this time I have to write two chapters and plan another. Oh God, I really do have to. Maybe instead of winding up totally I will go part time for the last couple of weeks... that will give me two months, a month for each chapter. And some of those chapters have already been written, and by some, I mean about 2,000 words which is a good start?!
And breathe. I will get my PhD, I will.
x J
I just finished it, was going to leave it till tomorrow and just thought i would have a tinker and managed to get it done! Is such a brilliant feeling!
I worked for about 2 hours and then my ma came to stay yesterday so we had some drinks (not me, obviously) and went out for dinner (where I ate a lot, obviously) and i had the most awful, horrid night's sleep. I woke up at 3am wide awake, and then at around 4am beanie woke up and kicked alllllllllll night. I had horrid dreams that he was being hurt or was an alien and that I was far away from home with people who wouldn't look after me and I was so worried about bean. I woke up feeling vile and... hungover?! And guilty that I hadn't been able to look after Bean, though it was a dream. Went out and about to the local festival today, came back and tried to work and couldn't, decided to leave it till tomorrow but then did it just now as was checking emails anyway. Soooo happy as it means I can have tomorrow off! Completely. Will email it off to someone (who?! Does anyone care?!) and that's it. Am having Tuesday off too wooty! Then Weds, Thurs and Fri will re-write it as it is actually 5,750 words of Very Rough-ness - I wouldn't normally even send this draft off to my Sup to check. But I keep thinking that he did say it could even be in note form and to only make it 20 pages. It is 21 pages and not in note form, but an essay with an abstract, keywords, intro, middle and conclusion AND pretty much all my references. Albeit it's not very well worded (bit wordy and colloqiual), I would prefer more sources to be used as I rely on a core few which isn't all that representative, and I would like to see if I need to add another facet to the argument or if I really can leave it out (i have it written in atm, but very roughly and pretty much in note form). Some refs aren't in there and it needs some serious tightening up. But it is a decent first draft, the argument is there, the intro matches the content and my thesis is backed up by empirical evidence. Lots of checking and re-writing aside it could be that it will always seem banal to me because I know it so well, but actually be of interest to someone else... hmmm!
So, another deadline met and down, next one is to get this into a decent draft and off to Sup, and also to work out how it fits into my PhD! May need some rewriting again. THEN, I need to get on with the presentation. I hope I don't need powerpoint. I can't wait to start practising it so I can feel more in control you know?
After the presentation I will only have 6 working weeks left before I start to wind up for maternity leave. In this time I have to write two chapters and plan another. Oh God, I really do have to. Maybe instead of winding up totally I will go part time for the last couple of weeks... that will give me two months, a month for each chapter. And some of those chapters have already been written, and by some, I mean about 2,000 words which is a good start?!
And breathe. I will get my PhD, I will.
x J
Friday, 18 September 2009
Ok dokey... I think?!
Today was a bit of a bad/good day...
I did lots of work, but then skived a lot too. Having worked so hard for 1.5 days getting my brain to sit and work *again* today was hard! So I have to work tomorrow as punishment. Is so weird having a serious deadline I can't put off - makes me realise how used to delaying I have got! I feel good for the work I have done, then realise it has to be *finished* for Monday, no excuses, and realise I have so much more to do!
Had a horrible moment earlier, was editing my work and it said I have about 3,700 words, and I thought to myself that I had done more than that, but couldn't remember exactly and so soldiered on, then it came to abrupt end... none of my work from the afternoon was there! my comp has been really dodgy recently, it has a really noisy hardrive and I think it has a bug too from India... so I thought maybe it hadn't saved anything after 1.30. I checked my memory stick, nothing there from after 1.30 either! Then remembered I had saved it in a kinky place for no reason (pregnant brain again) and thankfully, the longer version was there. My heart was in my mouth! All that work! Those minute adjustments, all that thought and energy - gone! So I have been backing up and saving religiously today!
Got up to 4,500 words... Had to delete about 500 as have cut out a main point that I was going to put in the paper but now a) cannot be bothered and b) don't need to write about it and c) will actually be more focussed now, making a main point and an argument about it, instead of an argument then another argument of it!
Didn't explain that very well...
Anyway, going to work tomorrow from about 10 until 2 like I planned anyway, but will really work! I want to have this pretty much done, am aiming for 5000 words and then a conclusion of about 250 words. It is getting a bit rough around the edges, refs aren't as polished and arguments not made with very concise language. But the argument is there, it will flow and it will be better than a simple copy and paste job, or even in note-form as my Sup said I could get away with. I will do some editing in front of the tele on Sunday I think, just make sure it flows ok and makes any kind of sense. I have a feeling there may be a bit of chopping and changing to be done, but if the words, quotes and arguments are there that is the hard part done.
Really looking forward to 2pm tomorrow and freeeeedoooooom!
x J
I did lots of work, but then skived a lot too. Having worked so hard for 1.5 days getting my brain to sit and work *again* today was hard! So I have to work tomorrow as punishment. Is so weird having a serious deadline I can't put off - makes me realise how used to delaying I have got! I feel good for the work I have done, then realise it has to be *finished* for Monday, no excuses, and realise I have so much more to do!
Had a horrible moment earlier, was editing my work and it said I have about 3,700 words, and I thought to myself that I had done more than that, but couldn't remember exactly and so soldiered on, then it came to abrupt end... none of my work from the afternoon was there! my comp has been really dodgy recently, it has a really noisy hardrive and I think it has a bug too from India... so I thought maybe it hadn't saved anything after 1.30. I checked my memory stick, nothing there from after 1.30 either! Then remembered I had saved it in a kinky place for no reason (pregnant brain again) and thankfully, the longer version was there. My heart was in my mouth! All that work! Those minute adjustments, all that thought and energy - gone! So I have been backing up and saving religiously today!
Got up to 4,500 words... Had to delete about 500 as have cut out a main point that I was going to put in the paper but now a) cannot be bothered and b) don't need to write about it and c) will actually be more focussed now, making a main point and an argument about it, instead of an argument then another argument of it!
Didn't explain that very well...
Anyway, going to work tomorrow from about 10 until 2 like I planned anyway, but will really work! I want to have this pretty much done, am aiming for 5000 words and then a conclusion of about 250 words. It is getting a bit rough around the edges, refs aren't as polished and arguments not made with very concise language. But the argument is there, it will flow and it will be better than a simple copy and paste job, or even in note-form as my Sup said I could get away with. I will do some editing in front of the tele on Sunday I think, just make sure it flows ok and makes any kind of sense. I have a feeling there may be a bit of chopping and changing to be done, but if the words, quotes and arguments are there that is the hard part done.
Really looking forward to 2pm tomorrow and freeeeedoooooom!
x J
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Woah lady
I worked like a demon today! A fiend! A PhD student!
Got to my desk about 10am, worked until 1.45, had off until about 3pm with lunch, email and conference checking and a little lie down and time out (I know, but I am pregnant!). Then worked until 5. And when I was working, I was *working*! Head down, shoulders hunched, writing away. Did editing and wrote another 500 words this morning and had a bit of a panic that I was only a third of the way through, had written 3,500 words of a 9,000 words maximum (aiming for 6,000) and had only the afternoon and tomorrow to get it finished... Eek! Managed to do lots of writing after lunch and have 4,300 words - over a 1,000 done today and they aren't bad either. Have also realised quite a few of the ideas I can leave out for this paper, which will help me write it in time, keep some back for my PhD chapter and make it more focussed and the presentation easier to do too.
Am presenting on the Saturday lunchtime so I have found out... bleugh. Was hoping it would be Sunday as would then be able to do it and come back home, and could use Saturday as a warm up day, getting into the conference vibe. My friend is having a dinner party on Friday night too for her Beeday which I wanted to go to - she is in my close circle of friends who all live in london, and the guys I am staying with for the weekend will be going definitely. I said I would go but now am not sure and may pull a pregnant sickie. Which wouldn't be entirely untrue - I am quite anxious about being the wrong side of London from where I am staying, watching all my mates get hammered on a Friday night and not knowing when I can get home to bed - I don't like busy, loud envornments any more as I feel protective of Beanie, and will be anxious about be ok for my presentation and conference the next day... If I am tired I really do go to pieces these days, my body is too busy with Bean to help me out! I dunno, will play it by ear I reckon but no one would blame me for not going. If I could just go to the dinner it would be fine but there's no way it will finish there, my friends are drinking hounds! Will be a late one fo' sure! Such a shame it isn't on the Sat, would be raring to go then, having done the presentation.
Having fish and chips tonight! Woo! I am on a big fish and greasy chips craving today and after describing my favourite meal (fried fish and greasy chips, not oven chips) in a very complicated way DF suggested we go to the chippy - which I hadn't even considered! Dope.
Tomorrow am up and at 'em allllll day. Will work like a fiend again. I have planned out and written the refs for my last two major points and that should be about 1000 words. Then will need to conclude and edit to a reasonable standard (will be rough when hand in on Mon but polished enough to make sense) on Saturday. Then shall be ready! Will have lots of days off then come back to it on Weds and with a fresh eye, edit it again and send to my Sup for the following week! Wooty!
x J
Got to my desk about 10am, worked until 1.45, had off until about 3pm with lunch, email and conference checking and a little lie down and time out (I know, but I am pregnant!). Then worked until 5. And when I was working, I was *working*! Head down, shoulders hunched, writing away. Did editing and wrote another 500 words this morning and had a bit of a panic that I was only a third of the way through, had written 3,500 words of a 9,000 words maximum (aiming for 6,000) and had only the afternoon and tomorrow to get it finished... Eek! Managed to do lots of writing after lunch and have 4,300 words - over a 1,000 done today and they aren't bad either. Have also realised quite a few of the ideas I can leave out for this paper, which will help me write it in time, keep some back for my PhD chapter and make it more focussed and the presentation easier to do too.
Am presenting on the Saturday lunchtime so I have found out... bleugh. Was hoping it would be Sunday as would then be able to do it and come back home, and could use Saturday as a warm up day, getting into the conference vibe. My friend is having a dinner party on Friday night too for her Beeday which I wanted to go to - she is in my close circle of friends who all live in london, and the guys I am staying with for the weekend will be going definitely. I said I would go but now am not sure and may pull a pregnant sickie. Which wouldn't be entirely untrue - I am quite anxious about being the wrong side of London from where I am staying, watching all my mates get hammered on a Friday night and not knowing when I can get home to bed - I don't like busy, loud envornments any more as I feel protective of Beanie, and will be anxious about be ok for my presentation and conference the next day... If I am tired I really do go to pieces these days, my body is too busy with Bean to help me out! I dunno, will play it by ear I reckon but no one would blame me for not going. If I could just go to the dinner it would be fine but there's no way it will finish there, my friends are drinking hounds! Will be a late one fo' sure! Such a shame it isn't on the Sat, would be raring to go then, having done the presentation.
Having fish and chips tonight! Woo! I am on a big fish and greasy chips craving today and after describing my favourite meal (fried fish and greasy chips, not oven chips) in a very complicated way DF suggested we go to the chippy - which I hadn't even considered! Dope.
Tomorrow am up and at 'em allllll day. Will work like a fiend again. I have planned out and written the refs for my last two major points and that should be about 1000 words. Then will need to conclude and edit to a reasonable standard (will be rough when hand in on Mon but polished enough to make sense) on Saturday. Then shall be ready! Will have lots of days off then come back to it on Weds and with a fresh eye, edit it again and send to my Sup for the following week! Wooty!
x J
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Am in recovery
Righty! Today was HARD! It was horrible and hard and am soooo glad it's over!
I sat down to work and just couldn't concentrate and ended up all upset and just felt like such a failure. I emailed my Sup to check which date he thought I should aim for, if it was this Monday and he said 'deadlines are for busting and this conf is no different' which is a really weird thing to say! I think he means 'get on with it'. So I am, well, finally, after sobbing to DB about how useless it all was and how I couldn't think for a second (serious pregnant brain). He cheered me up a treat and after some gloomy lunch I felt much better. Worked for a couple of hours, went for a walk and worked again until 5pm. Promised myself I would stop at 5 and have a bath and watch come dine with me (!) to relax, which I did and looked forward to all through the work. I think there is a lot to be said for rewards ;0) I have got 3,000 words done now, and about a 3rd of the paper written. I want to have it done by Fri evening, but can also work Saturday as my Mum isn't arriving until 4pm, then I can properly relax and we are going out for dinner to a *beautiful* restaurant. Three courses for me! Will have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off then work again on Weds, tidying up and improving the chapter to send to my Sup for the following Monday. I will go and see him first week of Oct to talk about it, show how it is a new chapter, take along my new chapter plan and a plan of action for the next month too.
How I am going to make this writing into a 10 minute presentation I don't know.
Am so tired. Am going to bed early tonight, like about 8.30pm! Can't wait to snuggle up and just be at rest. Tomorrow I am working by 9.30, washed and breakfasted, will work until 1pm and have lunch, then work until 5pm. Work, work, work.
And you know what? When I got into it, no radio, no internet, just work, it was ok! Not worth all the fuss. I still don't know quite what I am writing, but am just plodding along, eating away at my word count and taking it bit-by-bit on my plan. It will be ok. I am assuming that tomorrow will be really hard again and I won't want to work and will forget how to do it and lose motivation. But I also know that I felt like that today and got through it 750 decent words up. Not a bad result.
x J
I am so hungry!
I sat down to work and just couldn't concentrate and ended up all upset and just felt like such a failure. I emailed my Sup to check which date he thought I should aim for, if it was this Monday and he said 'deadlines are for busting and this conf is no different' which is a really weird thing to say! I think he means 'get on with it'. So I am, well, finally, after sobbing to DB about how useless it all was and how I couldn't think for a second (serious pregnant brain). He cheered me up a treat and after some gloomy lunch I felt much better. Worked for a couple of hours, went for a walk and worked again until 5pm. Promised myself I would stop at 5 and have a bath and watch come dine with me (!) to relax, which I did and looked forward to all through the work. I think there is a lot to be said for rewards ;0) I have got 3,000 words done now, and about a 3rd of the paper written. I want to have it done by Fri evening, but can also work Saturday as my Mum isn't arriving until 4pm, then I can properly relax and we are going out for dinner to a *beautiful* restaurant. Three courses for me! Will have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off then work again on Weds, tidying up and improving the chapter to send to my Sup for the following Monday. I will go and see him first week of Oct to talk about it, show how it is a new chapter, take along my new chapter plan and a plan of action for the next month too.
How I am going to make this writing into a 10 minute presentation I don't know.
Am so tired. Am going to bed early tonight, like about 8.30pm! Can't wait to snuggle up and just be at rest. Tomorrow I am working by 9.30, washed and breakfasted, will work until 1pm and have lunch, then work until 5pm. Work, work, work.
And you know what? When I got into it, no radio, no internet, just work, it was ok! Not worth all the fuss. I still don't know quite what I am writing, but am just plodding along, eating away at my word count and taking it bit-by-bit on my plan. It will be ok. I am assuming that tomorrow will be really hard again and I won't want to work and will forget how to do it and lose motivation. But I also know that I felt like that today and got through it 750 decent words up. Not a bad result.
x J
I am so hungry!
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Thank goodness
PHEW is all I can say.
I emailed the conference organiser to say, in a friendly chatty way 'shit, I am not nearly ready to hand this in on monday' and ask where I send the paper... and she emailed back to say she hasn't started hers, nor has another major contributor (my associate sup actually!) and she doesn't think the deadlines are that strict. As long as we have it ready to hand out to each other for the 10 Oct all is fine by her. But she said to check with my Sup in case. Sooooo, I shall have a skeleton draft done for Monday and then shall buff it up for two weeks time, as planned anyway. I should check with Sup but am scared of him for some reason, like he will know I am being a slackbum just from the way I say 'hello'. (I never talk to my sup when I am not on top form. Ever. I never show any weakness or that I am not top of my game - and this really, really works! If I am going through a rough patch/need reassuring I wait it out, work and get some good stuff to him (usually before he asks for it) and if I have any worries, talking about it when I am confident in general and have done lots of work just looks like me addressing concerns and being thorough, rather than me whining or needing support.)
Am so glad though still worried. Had a wee meltdown earlier, I was really upset trying to work out how I would get this down without working 17 hour days, which I just can't do - I just wouldn't be able to concentrate! It will be fine after Beanie is born, but right now, especially today, I am a total doofuss. DB asked me to write a shopping list and I just couldn't work out what to write on it and burst into tears! He took me away from the laptop, love him, and gave me a cuddle and we talked it through and I confessed to him about the new deadline and on top of that my ma is coming to stay on Saturday so the house needs to be so clean, plus I just don't have time to be cooking two gourmet meals a day, which I am doing because I need good nutrition. Otherwise I eat toast all day which is cr*p. Anyway, big hugs all round, a good cry and some washing up done and am much better now. Oh, and I got the email from my lovely conference organiser.
Am actually going to do some work now. For the first time today. I will work until 5.15 thenh slope off and rest and tomorrow... Tomorrow will be exceptional. Watch this space!
x J
I emailed the conference organiser to say, in a friendly chatty way 'shit, I am not nearly ready to hand this in on monday' and ask where I send the paper... and she emailed back to say she hasn't started hers, nor has another major contributor (my associate sup actually!) and she doesn't think the deadlines are that strict. As long as we have it ready to hand out to each other for the 10 Oct all is fine by her. But she said to check with my Sup in case. Sooooo, I shall have a skeleton draft done for Monday and then shall buff it up for two weeks time, as planned anyway. I should check with Sup but am scared of him for some reason, like he will know I am being a slackbum just from the way I say 'hello'. (I never talk to my sup when I am not on top form. Ever. I never show any weakness or that I am not top of my game - and this really, really works! If I am going through a rough patch/need reassuring I wait it out, work and get some good stuff to him (usually before he asks for it) and if I have any worries, talking about it when I am confident in general and have done lots of work just looks like me addressing concerns and being thorough, rather than me whining or needing support.)
Am so glad though still worried. Had a wee meltdown earlier, I was really upset trying to work out how I would get this down without working 17 hour days, which I just can't do - I just wouldn't be able to concentrate! It will be fine after Beanie is born, but right now, especially today, I am a total doofuss. DB asked me to write a shopping list and I just couldn't work out what to write on it and burst into tears! He took me away from the laptop, love him, and gave me a cuddle and we talked it through and I confessed to him about the new deadline and on top of that my ma is coming to stay on Saturday so the house needs to be so clean, plus I just don't have time to be cooking two gourmet meals a day, which I am doing because I need good nutrition. Otherwise I eat toast all day which is cr*p. Anyway, big hugs all round, a good cry and some washing up done and am much better now. Oh, and I got the email from my lovely conference organiser.
Am actually going to do some work now. For the first time today. I will work until 5.15 thenh slope off and rest and tomorrow... Tomorrow will be exceptional. Watch this space!
x J
Blo*dy hell!
Oh dearie, just had the conference info through and the paper deadline is on Monday!
Crap!
Righty, am off to get some lunch and have a shower and er... do some work?!
Am shocked and really pleased to be kicked out of my inertia. My Mum is coming to stay on Saturday so need to get this done in the next few days?! Oh lordy.
Is so confusing because the email seems really serious, with proper refs etc, yet both my Sup and the panel organiser have told me a rough draft will do. I know I should just do it top notch like the conference asks but really, if I don't have to - why?! Am not an idiot.
Skates on! I have a few hours, can get a lot done and be well on my way. Is not going to be top notch, they'll just have to get over it or kick me out or whatever.
x J
Crap!
Righty, am off to get some lunch and have a shower and er... do some work?!
Am shocked and really pleased to be kicked out of my inertia. My Mum is coming to stay on Saturday so need to get this done in the next few days?! Oh lordy.
Is so confusing because the email seems really serious, with proper refs etc, yet both my Sup and the panel organiser have told me a rough draft will do. I know I should just do it top notch like the conference asks but really, if I don't have to - why?! Am not an idiot.
Skates on! I have a few hours, can get a lot done and be well on my way. Is not going to be top notch, they'll just have to get over it or kick me out or whatever.
x J
Ummmm... *blush*
Ok. I haven't done any work. I have sat and been hungry for most of the day, shuffled my notes, written long, well-edited emails, tried on a pair of jeans that don't fit and done some laundry.
And moped about, being tired. I am not tired because of pregnancy or overwork, but because I stayed up until gone 2am watching series two of Dexter with DF in bed. I know, I am baaaad but it is really good!
Am in two minds about how to spend my day now. Do I a) try and make something of it, go for a walk, do some work and snap out of it? Or b) have a shower, put on my trackies, mope about on the internet and take the day off (having made lots of promises to excel tomorrow)?
It's only half one, bit early to decide to skive and I have nothing better to do so I shall do some work. Yup. In my trackies and in a moping way, with lots of internet breaks. I would like to get some work done though. Deadline is ok still so am still not worried or would be working away regardless of feeling slightly sorry for myself.
x J
And moped about, being tired. I am not tired because of pregnancy or overwork, but because I stayed up until gone 2am watching series two of Dexter with DF in bed. I know, I am baaaad but it is really good!
Am in two minds about how to spend my day now. Do I a) try and make something of it, go for a walk, do some work and snap out of it? Or b) have a shower, put on my trackies, mope about on the internet and take the day off (having made lots of promises to excel tomorrow)?
It's only half one, bit early to decide to skive and I have nothing better to do so I shall do some work. Yup. In my trackies and in a moping way, with lots of internet breaks. I would like to get some work done though. Deadline is ok still so am still not worried or would be working away regardless of feeling slightly sorry for myself.
x J
Monday, 14 September 2009
Good Day!
Today has gone so well!
I have had a brain today, it has been very noticable and my pregnant fug has subsided. I managed to re-write out my chapter plan for the PhD which is great, it needed updating and now I have something definite to show my Sup re: developments. I have also gone through my old chapter and realised it really seems to be my whole thesis in 8,000 words! So I have chopped it up to put into the different chapters and will make it up again using the info for this paper. So is good news, am not creating more work for myself!
Have also emailed one of my contacts re: transcribing my India interviews, he writes really fluently so am hopeful. Fingers crossed. Emailed my RA and asked him if he actually will do the translations (over a month late with them now!) and if not can he donate the money to his charity (I will tell his boss to expect it!) and he can naff off then. Grrr. Don't like being messed around. That would be the end of another PhD era! Blimey, didn't think of that.
Managed to get lots of work done, and coud hold more than one thought in my head at a time so worked all day really. Didn't have a lunchbreak as such and did work more than not so am really pleased! Who knows what tomorrow will be like, probably back to the fug. So tomorrow I can carry on writing out this chapter/paper with a clear idea of how it fits into the rest of the thesis.
I hope! I worked so well without the computer (most of the work was done with printed copies of chapter outlines and the paper) and am toying with the idea of writing it out longhand... away from the laptop and its wealth of distractions.
Is this completely barmy?!
x J
I have had a brain today, it has been very noticable and my pregnant fug has subsided. I managed to re-write out my chapter plan for the PhD which is great, it needed updating and now I have something definite to show my Sup re: developments. I have also gone through my old chapter and realised it really seems to be my whole thesis in 8,000 words! So I have chopped it up to put into the different chapters and will make it up again using the info for this paper. So is good news, am not creating more work for myself!
Have also emailed one of my contacts re: transcribing my India interviews, he writes really fluently so am hopeful. Fingers crossed. Emailed my RA and asked him if he actually will do the translations (over a month late with them now!) and if not can he donate the money to his charity (I will tell his boss to expect it!) and he can naff off then. Grrr. Don't like being messed around. That would be the end of another PhD era! Blimey, didn't think of that.
Managed to get lots of work done, and coud hold more than one thought in my head at a time so worked all day really. Didn't have a lunchbreak as such and did work more than not so am really pleased! Who knows what tomorrow will be like, probably back to the fug. So tomorrow I can carry on writing out this chapter/paper with a clear idea of how it fits into the rest of the thesis.
I hope! I worked so well without the computer (most of the work was done with printed copies of chapter outlines and the paper) and am toying with the idea of writing it out longhand... away from the laptop and its wealth of distractions.
Is this completely barmy?!
x J
Am in the mood...
For WORK!
Am up and at 'em, have got open my old political chapter and am reading through it swiftly to remember what it says, and marking which bits I will take out and add to the Indian chapter and which bits can be taken for this paper, as well as later added to from this paper.
Am really tired, didn't sleep well at all, but in a positive mood. Had a brilliant weekend, cleaned a *lot* yesterday and Saturday spent in the sunshine at the local park with DB, reading the paper and eating chicken and stuffing sarnies from the bakery. Was just so lovely. Is an arts festival on where I live for two weeks, some of the houses open as art exhibitions, there are kiddies trails and amdram stuff (er, no thanks) and... a beer festival. I was so looking forward to it when we moved in! Instead I get baked goods and the paper which isn't a bad second. Spent lots of time with DB over the weekend which was lovely as obviously time together will be rare after Beanie is born and we will be under quite a lot of stress (so all the books say) when he is born - tired and snappy and rearranging our whole outlooks on life so nice to cement the fact that we do, actually, get on really ;0) Also looked for all DBs beeday pressies for next month and have found a lovely castle to take him to for a couple of nights. Is a bit haunted but am trying to overlook that... Speaking of which! My olde worlde cottage of a house is being a bit strange atm! Yesterday I was vacuuming on my own downstairs and it turned off, I went to the wall and yes, the cord had pulled out of the socket so I kicked it back in but it didn't come back on - because the switch had been turned off?! Maybe I didn't turn it on properly but it is a switch so, really, is either on or off. And also we keep 'leaving' the bathroom light on, and is getting to the stage where I think I am going mad because I *never* leave lights on when I leave a room at night, I thought I was just being pregnant and forgetful. But it is nearly always on when I come upstairs! Hmmmm...
Do we think we may have a cheeky little friend?! I shall ask my ma, she is super sensitive about these things and coming to stay on Saturday. I believe in ghosts (why not?!) but am not very sensitive to them. Anyway, just seems a bit strange.
Ok! Today:
* read through old chapter and sort out in head and write out any useful passages into current paper.
* decide what you want to achieve this week. I know I want a first draft done for when Uni starts which is two weeks today, then I can take this proudly to my Sup, along with the 2000 wds of my Indian chaper and hopefully a translation or two of my interviews so am clearly ready to start on the next chapter.
* Try and work all day until 5pm.
* Work more than you go on the internet ;0)
I start in the final, fourth year of Uni in two weeks. In my final year! In the writing up stage!
OMFG.
x J
Am up and at 'em, have got open my old political chapter and am reading through it swiftly to remember what it says, and marking which bits I will take out and add to the Indian chapter and which bits can be taken for this paper, as well as later added to from this paper.
Am really tired, didn't sleep well at all, but in a positive mood. Had a brilliant weekend, cleaned a *lot* yesterday and Saturday spent in the sunshine at the local park with DB, reading the paper and eating chicken and stuffing sarnies from the bakery. Was just so lovely. Is an arts festival on where I live for two weeks, some of the houses open as art exhibitions, there are kiddies trails and amdram stuff (er, no thanks) and... a beer festival. I was so looking forward to it when we moved in! Instead I get baked goods and the paper which isn't a bad second. Spent lots of time with DB over the weekend which was lovely as obviously time together will be rare after Beanie is born and we will be under quite a lot of stress (so all the books say) when he is born - tired and snappy and rearranging our whole outlooks on life so nice to cement the fact that we do, actually, get on really ;0) Also looked for all DBs beeday pressies for next month and have found a lovely castle to take him to for a couple of nights. Is a bit haunted but am trying to overlook that... Speaking of which! My olde worlde cottage of a house is being a bit strange atm! Yesterday I was vacuuming on my own downstairs and it turned off, I went to the wall and yes, the cord had pulled out of the socket so I kicked it back in but it didn't come back on - because the switch had been turned off?! Maybe I didn't turn it on properly but it is a switch so, really, is either on or off. And also we keep 'leaving' the bathroom light on, and is getting to the stage where I think I am going mad because I *never* leave lights on when I leave a room at night, I thought I was just being pregnant and forgetful. But it is nearly always on when I come upstairs! Hmmmm...
Do we think we may have a cheeky little friend?! I shall ask my ma, she is super sensitive about these things and coming to stay on Saturday. I believe in ghosts (why not?!) but am not very sensitive to them. Anyway, just seems a bit strange.
Ok! Today:
* read through old chapter and sort out in head and write out any useful passages into current paper.
* decide what you want to achieve this week. I know I want a first draft done for when Uni starts which is two weeks today, then I can take this proudly to my Sup, along with the 2000 wds of my Indian chaper and hopefully a translation or two of my interviews so am clearly ready to start on the next chapter.
* Try and work all day until 5pm.
* Work more than you go on the internet ;0)
I start in the final, fourth year of Uni in two weeks. In my final year! In the writing up stage!
OMFG.
x J
Friday, 11 September 2009
Might as well stop stressing
I have had some serious thinking time and realised something quite important - and it is nothing new. In fact it is a quandary I have for nearly every assignment!
I have realised that I am not not working because I am lazy or I don't care, or because I can't concentrate (even though I can't) - but because the child in my brain knows I don't have to. I started on the work at 12. After much faffing and huffing and puffing, I opened it up and read and did some editing then got down to the bit where I am meant to be writing - and then left it to wander around the internet. And why? Because whenever I see it I think, 'Oh! Excellent! Is really easy, I have plenty of time'. Which is the truth! Even if I get it done early, for when Uni starts two weeks on Monday, I have plenty of time - I can get this done in two weeks no worries. Add in the factor that this only has to be rough and I am doing it actually to be better than rough *and* it will be a big chunk of a chapter and I am steaming ahead! I have it planned to the bottom line - I don't even need my plan any more as anything but a prompt for extra info and nuggets and I know exactly which references each idea and argument will draw from. I am unbelievably organised: this is a *good* thing! And I can't concentrate because *I don't need to*. I know this, I know I can get this done in time, I even know that should the deadline change to be Tuesday, and not Oct 10th as I hope, then I can also meet that with a rough draft and some hard graft. I *also* know that when it comes to the wire I shall work and concentrate because I will have to, and because I do really care. I have cared enough to get to this stage with it. The only thing I cannot seem to achieve is getting it done really early. For me deadlines = motivation. When I know the deadline is ages away and am confident I will meet it then I skip off until I have to come back and do it, I don't sit and do it early. Is a huge fault and I wish I could get stuff done early but is not a terribly bad one. Not a damaging one anyway.
I am *always* like this. I always stress that I am not working and finally realise I just don't have to and am inherently lazy so will leave it until I do have to. This doesn't mean I want to skive off for the day and watch tele, far from it, I will sit here until 5pm like a good girl. Well, maybe 4.30. I will flick the work open every so often to reassure myself it can be done in the time I have subconsciously allocated to it (now consciously) and then leave it and work the internet looking for somewhere to take DB for his beeday next month. See, I will be too busy next month to do this so wil do it now while I have time - it makes sense really.
Is just the way it is and no point getting stressy over it. I wish I could get it done earlier, I wish I could start on another chapter and hand the PhD in in December. But it wil happen as it happens, and not a minute sooner - or, importantly, later.
And relax.
x J
I have realised that I am not not working because I am lazy or I don't care, or because I can't concentrate (even though I can't) - but because the child in my brain knows I don't have to. I started on the work at 12. After much faffing and huffing and puffing, I opened it up and read and did some editing then got down to the bit where I am meant to be writing - and then left it to wander around the internet. And why? Because whenever I see it I think, 'Oh! Excellent! Is really easy, I have plenty of time'. Which is the truth! Even if I get it done early, for when Uni starts two weeks on Monday, I have plenty of time - I can get this done in two weeks no worries. Add in the factor that this only has to be rough and I am doing it actually to be better than rough *and* it will be a big chunk of a chapter and I am steaming ahead! I have it planned to the bottom line - I don't even need my plan any more as anything but a prompt for extra info and nuggets and I know exactly which references each idea and argument will draw from. I am unbelievably organised: this is a *good* thing! And I can't concentrate because *I don't need to*. I know this, I know I can get this done in time, I even know that should the deadline change to be Tuesday, and not Oct 10th as I hope, then I can also meet that with a rough draft and some hard graft. I *also* know that when it comes to the wire I shall work and concentrate because I will have to, and because I do really care. I have cared enough to get to this stage with it. The only thing I cannot seem to achieve is getting it done really early. For me deadlines = motivation. When I know the deadline is ages away and am confident I will meet it then I skip off until I have to come back and do it, I don't sit and do it early. Is a huge fault and I wish I could get stuff done early but is not a terribly bad one. Not a damaging one anyway.
I am *always* like this. I always stress that I am not working and finally realise I just don't have to and am inherently lazy so will leave it until I do have to. This doesn't mean I want to skive off for the day and watch tele, far from it, I will sit here until 5pm like a good girl. Well, maybe 4.30. I will flick the work open every so often to reassure myself it can be done in the time I have subconsciously allocated to it (now consciously) and then leave it and work the internet looking for somewhere to take DB for his beeday next month. See, I will be too busy next month to do this so wil do it now while I have time - it makes sense really.
Is just the way it is and no point getting stressy over it. I wish I could get it done earlier, I wish I could start on another chapter and hand the PhD in in December. But it wil happen as it happens, and not a minute sooner - or, importantly, later.
And relax.
x J
Friday! Phew!
And I don't mean 'phew' in a good way where I have done lots of work and need a rest, more as in a reprieve kind of way. Not good.
Right, I have new office and have turned the radio off... I have to get up to turn it on again which should deter me as I am inherently lazy. I need to get my water bottle tanked up and some breakfast and shall start work at 11. I am dreading it, I hate it, don't want to play - it is *boring*.
But then it is the weekend! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Is another beautiful day today so will go out for a long walk after lunch, try and clear my mind.
Work at 11 until 11.15.
x J
Right, I have new office and have turned the radio off... I have to get up to turn it on again which should deter me as I am inherently lazy. I need to get my water bottle tanked up and some breakfast and shall start work at 11. I am dreading it, I hate it, don't want to play - it is *boring*.
But then it is the weekend! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Is another beautiful day today so will go out for a long walk after lunch, try and clear my mind.
Work at 11 until 11.15.
x J
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Busy day!
I have been so busy today!
Sorted out my office - it was almost as bad as if I was moving out... Got everything out of all the corners, threw lots of bits of rubbish away, emptied half-used filing systems and hid them in a wardrobe... got all my files out and put all the paper into my lovely, lovely, LOVE:Y new boxes. Now all I need to do is go to my 'methodology' box, or my 'uni admin' box or 'lit review' box, pull it out and go through it for a particular source, or to get out the running reading list I have for that topic, or to start/revise that chapter and all the info I have collected/cut out of newspapers/made a note of over the years is in there! Brilliant, brilliant. And I found the sources i was missing earlier, they were part of another chapter's info thank goodness. I was quite upset.
I even moved my desk around. Before it was half in front of the window. This was problematic I realised because I lived in closely terraced houses whose yards overlook each other, like on Corrie if you watch it, and the man opposite doesn't work (seemingly, but then seemingly, nor do I...) but smokes constantly, outside his back door and usually looks up to my window. Not in a pervy way am sure, but it is offputting nevertheless. I didn't realise this until I realised I was hunching over toward the side of the desk away from the window so I could have some privacy! Such intrusion was making it hard for me to think without being conscious of something all the time - being watched. I also realised that generally facing a window was distracting as it was too easy to look out of and to stop thinking/lose a thought. I have moved it then so it face into another wall and my boxes and the lamp, with the window to the right, so am right by it should it be open which will be lovely, or if the radiator is on which is also lovely. It also means I can have the reassuring presence of the great outdoors and see it easily enough, but not so I am distracted by it - or watchable! The actual desk is a pain, it is actually a kitchen table and very low and enormous! Very deep. So need to get a new one but we shall do that in time.
Tomorrow I am working... back to my 15 minutes attempts, motivated by a weekend off I hope. Am so unfocussed it's ridiculous. I have to keep in mind tht my ma is coming to stay a week on Saturday, and Uni starts on the 28th... I want to have this written for the 28th really, so I can send it to my Sup and look all productive for him. He is bound to want to see me and having nothing to show would be awful!
x J
Sorted out my office - it was almost as bad as if I was moving out... Got everything out of all the corners, threw lots of bits of rubbish away, emptied half-used filing systems and hid them in a wardrobe... got all my files out and put all the paper into my lovely, lovely, LOVE:Y new boxes. Now all I need to do is go to my 'methodology' box, or my 'uni admin' box or 'lit review' box, pull it out and go through it for a particular source, or to get out the running reading list I have for that topic, or to start/revise that chapter and all the info I have collected/cut out of newspapers/made a note of over the years is in there! Brilliant, brilliant. And I found the sources i was missing earlier, they were part of another chapter's info thank goodness. I was quite upset.
I even moved my desk around. Before it was half in front of the window. This was problematic I realised because I lived in closely terraced houses whose yards overlook each other, like on Corrie if you watch it, and the man opposite doesn't work (seemingly, but then seemingly, nor do I...) but smokes constantly, outside his back door and usually looks up to my window. Not in a pervy way am sure, but it is offputting nevertheless. I didn't realise this until I realised I was hunching over toward the side of the desk away from the window so I could have some privacy! Such intrusion was making it hard for me to think without being conscious of something all the time - being watched. I also realised that generally facing a window was distracting as it was too easy to look out of and to stop thinking/lose a thought. I have moved it then so it face into another wall and my boxes and the lamp, with the window to the right, so am right by it should it be open which will be lovely, or if the radiator is on which is also lovely. It also means I can have the reassuring presence of the great outdoors and see it easily enough, but not so I am distracted by it - or watchable! The actual desk is a pain, it is actually a kitchen table and very low and enormous! Very deep. So need to get a new one but we shall do that in time.
Tomorrow I am working... back to my 15 minutes attempts, motivated by a weekend off I hope. Am so unfocussed it's ridiculous. I have to keep in mind tht my ma is coming to stay a week on Saturday, and Uni starts on the 28th... I want to have this written for the 28th really, so I can send it to my Sup and look all productive for him. He is bound to want to see me and having nothing to show would be awful!
x J
:D
Ah what a wonderful day!
had a lie in this morning as was so tired, and got up and had a lovely bacon and egg buttie brought to me by lovely DB! It is our celebration day today of a big milestone for Beanie who is now 24 weeks and a 'viable' baby so we are very excited!
Then managed to do a lot of filing and am now quite worried as nearly all of the reading for one of my chapters seems to have gone astray? I don't know how this could have happened but I was expecting a couple of folders to be full of lit review reading notes too and nope. So where is it all?! I also don't have enough room for the chapters I have got which is a pain. Need more boxes. On the whole though is a job well done and lots of the cr*p that has been covering and surrounding my desk now has a home out of my sight, reducing my blood pressure and upping my general feeling of wellbeing when in there ;0)
Had to come and have a wee break as I got all sick and dizzy, must have overdone it. I did forget to be pregnant and all slow for a while there lol. Am very hungry all of a sudden! Must go and have some... grapefruit?
DF and I are going out for a walk in the gorgeous sunshine in a bit and to find some lunch. Excellent!
Back to work properly tomorrow, maybe in my spanking new office...
x J
had a lie in this morning as was so tired, and got up and had a lovely bacon and egg buttie brought to me by lovely DB! It is our celebration day today of a big milestone for Beanie who is now 24 weeks and a 'viable' baby so we are very excited!
Then managed to do a lot of filing and am now quite worried as nearly all of the reading for one of my chapters seems to have gone astray? I don't know how this could have happened but I was expecting a couple of folders to be full of lit review reading notes too and nope. So where is it all?! I also don't have enough room for the chapters I have got which is a pain. Need more boxes. On the whole though is a job well done and lots of the cr*p that has been covering and surrounding my desk now has a home out of my sight, reducing my blood pressure and upping my general feeling of wellbeing when in there ;0)
Had to come and have a wee break as I got all sick and dizzy, must have overdone it. I did forget to be pregnant and all slow for a while there lol. Am very hungry all of a sudden! Must go and have some... grapefruit?
DF and I are going out for a walk in the gorgeous sunshine in a bit and to find some lunch. Excellent!
Back to work properly tomorrow, maybe in my spanking new office...
x J
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
Eek!
I did nothing today! Zilch! Nada! Rien!
Don't care really, my work is going very well and I know what needs to be done and and still have a month to do it... should take three weeks, and that is only for a rough draft (will be a proper draft though, not notes). Bit of a strange day, personal issues crowding my brain (in a good way) and am being very baby oriented today. Some days I can forget about being pregnant and put Uni first, others I am all Bean... he has been super wriggly today so am completely distracted. My Sup wouldn't be best impressed but then he doesn't have to know!
Tomorrow I am working in the morning then DB and I are out for a lazy lunch to celebrate beanie reaching 24 weeks - it means he has a 40% chance of surviving if he is born prematurely, and each day goes up by 3% which is loads. That he has any chance at all is crazy and worth celebrating. He is considered a baby and not a miscarriage. Means a lot! Will probably mope about after lunch and then Friday will be a Good Work Day!
Uni starts up again soon. Eek!
x J
Don't care really, my work is going very well and I know what needs to be done and and still have a month to do it... should take three weeks, and that is only for a rough draft (will be a proper draft though, not notes). Bit of a strange day, personal issues crowding my brain (in a good way) and am being very baby oriented today. Some days I can forget about being pregnant and put Uni first, others I am all Bean... he has been super wriggly today so am completely distracted. My Sup wouldn't be best impressed but then he doesn't have to know!
Tomorrow I am working in the morning then DB and I are out for a lazy lunch to celebrate beanie reaching 24 weeks - it means he has a 40% chance of surviving if he is born prematurely, and each day goes up by 3% which is loads. That he has any chance at all is crazy and worth celebrating. He is considered a baby and not a miscarriage. Means a lot! Will probably mope about after lunch and then Friday will be a Good Work Day!
Uni starts up again soon. Eek!
x J
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
All fine
I have come in at a bit of a strange time, as am confuddled as all heck and full of ebay rage... But my day has gone very well, thank you.
Confuddlement: caused by very close friend saying its her (very early) beeday party on the night I am in london for the Big Conference I Am Presenting At and all my friends will be going, including those I am staying with. This is a problem because a) I am presenting that weekend for the first time ever to an International Audience at one of the biggest conferences in my field in the WORLD b) I am therefore working not on a jolly c) I am not drinking d) I will be 30 weeks pregnant and most probably knackered from all the commuting and travelling from up north and around london and e) I have to be up early to commute to the conference for a day of horrible networking and boredom. These all conspire together to make it so I don't want to be up late and will need to be chauffered home by whoever I am staying with, probably not much to their delight. And so, in short, I am going to be a party-pooping, pregnant bore. She has also let me know, not very kindly, that if I am not going to go then I should tell her as that means whoever I am staying with shan't be able to go either and this will ruin her party, even though this is the best night for her for various reasons. This is not fair on me or anyone else and so I am considering getting a b and b and just staying in on my todd and working. This seems great apart from the fact I am not a millionaire and affording places to stay in london will not be fun (although I can get anything reimbursed from Uni, but it takes ages and I will need all my money for DBs beeday). So, worried, but kind of like the idea of having my own space to practice my presentation, relax after a day and not have to rely on other people to let me in or be in to entertain me. ALSO, the friend I am staying with is miles away from the conference venue which is going to be horrible as I hate london and tubes. So there.
Ebay rage: some twit who can't spell is arguing with me about the payment method when it says very clearly that she wanted to be paid through paypal. Which i did and now she has refunded me saying she doesn't want it but wants cash on collection, which means I lose 10% of the money in transfer fees back to my bank account, plus the paion the arse of transferring it in the first place. Plus the amount I have to pay her is fiddly and annoying. I hate her and have to go and pick up the boxes tomorrow and not tell her she is a moron, a total moron, and that I hate her.
Work: going well! the intro is done (for now) and all the writing I copy and pasted but don't want has been deleted, leving me with about 2,500 words for now. I have started on the 'meat', and will continue with that tomorrow.
For now, I have hunger and so shall go and cook.
Am chuntering with ebay rage. bah!
x J
Confuddlement: caused by very close friend saying its her (very early) beeday party on the night I am in london for the Big Conference I Am Presenting At and all my friends will be going, including those I am staying with. This is a problem because a) I am presenting that weekend for the first time ever to an International Audience at one of the biggest conferences in my field in the WORLD b) I am therefore working not on a jolly c) I am not drinking d) I will be 30 weeks pregnant and most probably knackered from all the commuting and travelling from up north and around london and e) I have to be up early to commute to the conference for a day of horrible networking and boredom. These all conspire together to make it so I don't want to be up late and will need to be chauffered home by whoever I am staying with, probably not much to their delight. And so, in short, I am going to be a party-pooping, pregnant bore. She has also let me know, not very kindly, that if I am not going to go then I should tell her as that means whoever I am staying with shan't be able to go either and this will ruin her party, even though this is the best night for her for various reasons. This is not fair on me or anyone else and so I am considering getting a b and b and just staying in on my todd and working. This seems great apart from the fact I am not a millionaire and affording places to stay in london will not be fun (although I can get anything reimbursed from Uni, but it takes ages and I will need all my money for DBs beeday). So, worried, but kind of like the idea of having my own space to practice my presentation, relax after a day and not have to rely on other people to let me in or be in to entertain me. ALSO, the friend I am staying with is miles away from the conference venue which is going to be horrible as I hate london and tubes. So there.
Ebay rage: some twit who can't spell is arguing with me about the payment method when it says very clearly that she wanted to be paid through paypal. Which i did and now she has refunded me saying she doesn't want it but wants cash on collection, which means I lose 10% of the money in transfer fees back to my bank account, plus the paion the arse of transferring it in the first place. Plus the amount I have to pay her is fiddly and annoying. I hate her and have to go and pick up the boxes tomorrow and not tell her she is a moron, a total moron, and that I hate her.
Work: going well! the intro is done (for now) and all the writing I copy and pasted but don't want has been deleted, leving me with about 2,500 words for now. I have started on the 'meat', and will continue with that tomorrow.
For now, I have hunger and so shall go and cook.
Am chuntering with ebay rage. bah!
x J
Hmmph overdid it...
Bit weird today, not like a normal day. Last night I got my first ever braxton hicks contractions, which sound pretty scary, felt pretty scary, and are actually a very banal part of pregnancy.
So I was a bit worried last night, which means I was most upset as even a little worry is a BIG worry when one is thinking about the life or non-life of one's Bean. turns out I must have just set my bump off by being ultra busy in the kitchen last night making chicken stew... and my walk wouldn't have helped either. Today I am feeling a bit emotionally under the weather, a sort of tea and biscuits and maybe a trip to the zoo kind of day.
HOWEVER, despite just wanting to sit around all day and be pregnant, I have done some work - the 15 mins thing is just wonderful. I did 15 mins and will do another in 15 mins time when have done some skiving. Getting something done when normally i know I would achieve nothing is so pleasing.
So will continue on and off with 15 mins thing for the rest of the day. And get some biscuits to go with my tea ;0)
x J
So I was a bit worried last night, which means I was most upset as even a little worry is a BIG worry when one is thinking about the life or non-life of one's Bean. turns out I must have just set my bump off by being ultra busy in the kitchen last night making chicken stew... and my walk wouldn't have helped either. Today I am feeling a bit emotionally under the weather, a sort of tea and biscuits and maybe a trip to the zoo kind of day.
HOWEVER, despite just wanting to sit around all day and be pregnant, I have done some work - the 15 mins thing is just wonderful. I did 15 mins and will do another in 15 mins time when have done some skiving. Getting something done when normally i know I would achieve nothing is so pleasing.
So will continue on and off with 15 mins thing for the rest of the day. And get some biscuits to go with my tea ;0)
x J
Monday, 7 September 2009
So pleased!
I have managed to do about hmmm... three hours of solid work today!
Doesn't sound like much but actually it is amazing how much you can get done in three hours of actual concentration - not staring out the windows or taking a single beak. BUT for me that time was spread out into chunks all day and so I managed to stay on top of other stuff that bugs me (emails)/stops me from concentrating (boredom)/makes me happy (facebook) and do my work. And I worked so well! I have a *great* intro sorted out (if I say so myself), all my ideas are written down now and it is a really good template from which to start work again tomorrow.
Funny thing is, last week this seemed soo hard - the work as well as getting down to work - but today it just came easily, the plans I have done are so helpful and everything I need to write is just there, ready to access.
The only problem I have is that I am not sure if this paper isn't a bit full on. More like a phd chapter than a paper? I can't imagine how I will present it to a conference in 10 minutes... is this a sign that I am overegging it a bit for a conference and should cut it down a bit?
Am not sure, this is something I will think about this even' time. For now I am off to skippety jump into the bath before heading downstairs to finish off my chicken stew I have made for dinner. That's another thing - am being super-healthy today and also went for a walk. A very good start to the week! (about blinkin' time!)
x J
Doesn't sound like much but actually it is amazing how much you can get done in three hours of actual concentration - not staring out the windows or taking a single beak. BUT for me that time was spread out into chunks all day and so I managed to stay on top of other stuff that bugs me (emails)/stops me from concentrating (boredom)/makes me happy (facebook) and do my work. And I worked so well! I have a *great* intro sorted out (if I say so myself), all my ideas are written down now and it is a really good template from which to start work again tomorrow.
Funny thing is, last week this seemed soo hard - the work as well as getting down to work - but today it just came easily, the plans I have done are so helpful and everything I need to write is just there, ready to access.
The only problem I have is that I am not sure if this paper isn't a bit full on. More like a phd chapter than a paper? I can't imagine how I will present it to a conference in 10 minutes... is this a sign that I am overegging it a bit for a conference and should cut it down a bit?
Am not sure, this is something I will think about this even' time. For now I am off to skippety jump into the bath before heading downstairs to finish off my chicken stew I have made for dinner. That's another thing - am being super-healthy today and also went for a walk. A very good start to the week! (about blinkin' time!)
x J
Wow!
It's really working! I have worked 15 mins on, 15 mins off and am
* getting lots done
* getting into my work
* actually quite enjoying myself *and* feel good about myself.
Have had some lunch and just worked until 2, now going to work until 2.30. At 3 I will go out for a short walk then come back and work until 5/6 depending on mood.
Yay! My work feels clear to me, and is actually pretty good stuff. :D
x J
* getting lots done
* getting into my work
* actually quite enjoying myself *and* feel good about myself.
Have had some lunch and just worked until 2, now going to work until 2.30. At 3 I will go out for a short walk then come back and work until 5/6 depending on mood.
Yay! My work feels clear to me, and is actually pretty good stuff. :D
x J
I did it!
Wooo! I worked for 15 minutes solid, just work, not getting up and diappearing and not flicking between websites.
Am so pleased, and actually it wasn't that bad at all :D
I was waiting to finish though but that's ok - if I do the time I can finish, it is my reward. Little, little. And you would be surprised at what you can get done in 15 minutes?!
Right, I am off to quickly get some breakfast and will work again from 10.45 to 11am.
x J
Am so pleased, and actually it wasn't that bad at all :D
I was waiting to finish though but that's ok - if I do the time I can finish, it is my reward. Little, little. And you would be surprised at what you can get done in 15 minutes?!
Right, I am off to quickly get some breakfast and will work again from 10.45 to 11am.
x J
Ok dokey
I will work from 10am to 10.15, just on my work with no distractions.
Am sat on my bed with my laptop on my lap so my bump has room to protude, because it is sunny in here and dark and cold in my office, and because my office is full of slacker vibes.
Wish me luck!
x J
Am sat on my bed with my laptop on my lap so my bump has room to protude, because it is sunny in here and dark and cold in my office, and because my office is full of slacker vibes.
Wish me luck!
x J
Sunday, 6 September 2009
I have a plan!
Right, I have spent the weekend planning and organising, ready for a new leaf!
I have organised all the thoughts and worries I was having re: beanie, so I can worry about that out of work time. Have generally worked out that I don't need to start organising beanie things (cot etc) until the beginning of Nov. That is a long way away! All other thoughts are for pleasure (daydreaming) and so should be done in my own time not at my desk!
I have sorted out money worries (I don't have any but do have beedays to organise and buy for next month) and plans re: beedays, me and Bean and xmas.
I have tried to exercise, failed because it gives me bump-ache (not good!) and ate lots of crisps and chocolate instead. Eek.
I have sorted out that work wise I should stop trying to work on the intro as it is halting me, I am totally stuck on it. So I shall come in somewhere else, and write anything I know about it, just do some writing. I will also only work for 15 minutes, try and just get used to sitting and working. Slowly but surely.
So there we are. I have to know that if I don't start working properly very soon I am going to mess this all up. Which I do not want!
So until tomorrow!
x J
I have organised all the thoughts and worries I was having re: beanie, so I can worry about that out of work time. Have generally worked out that I don't need to start organising beanie things (cot etc) until the beginning of Nov. That is a long way away! All other thoughts are for pleasure (daydreaming) and so should be done in my own time not at my desk!
I have sorted out money worries (I don't have any but do have beedays to organise and buy for next month) and plans re: beedays, me and Bean and xmas.
I have tried to exercise, failed because it gives me bump-ache (not good!) and ate lots of crisps and chocolate instead. Eek.
I have sorted out that work wise I should stop trying to work on the intro as it is halting me, I am totally stuck on it. So I shall come in somewhere else, and write anything I know about it, just do some writing. I will also only work for 15 minutes, try and just get used to sitting and working. Slowly but surely.
So there we are. I have to know that if I don't start working properly very soon I am going to mess this all up. Which I do not want!
So until tomorrow!
x J
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Blue
Hmm I am blue. Well, not completely, but when I think about work I am sad.
I feel like it is going down the tubes and I don't know waht to do. I spent all of last week doing nothing except skiving. Where is my discipline? I don't need to have anything done 'urgently', since I am now writing, this paper only needs to be rough, and the deadline is still a month away...
I feel very guilty and annoyed at myself, but what scares/worries me most is the impotence of my guilt and annoyance - it is falling on deaf ears. I am really scared that I won't work any more, that I won't get done what I want before I go on maternity leave... that I will leave it all until I come back. And I know as I write this that I am talking as if I am not in control of myself, as if something else tells me when I can or cannot work. The obvious refrain is: just work goddamnit! But I *just can't*. I have thought about taking my radio away so I can't put it on, and so in silence I will work. I need my internet to be confiscated too. But it goes further than that, I just *cannot* concentrate - even with no internet or radio I would find the window and stare out of that. I am a daydreamer, a flippetygibbet, up and down like a yo-yo, I have HDD. Is this writers block? I don't know how it can be, seeing as I know exactly what to write, it is simply getting down to writing it that is doing my head in.
So what to do?
I know. I have to do the whole 'write your dissertation in 15 minutes a day' thing. So, set a 15 minute time chunk and work for that. Then if I can stay until 30 minutes, great. If not, then do something else for 5 minutes. Then come back and do another 15 minutes. Work until lunchtime and go to the pool for a long break and stretch and that too will make me feel in control and organised. Eat a healthy breakfast and lunch. Don't snack. Do the 15 minutes thing again in the afternoon. This way I could get at least 3 hours work done which would be great - a lot of the point here is getting me used to sitting and working for periods of time, to not getting up and being distracted, to focussing and concentrating, and to thinking about my paper more than anything else. Once this habit is routine, hopefully by the end of the week, then we can start worrying about getting the hours in. For now there is no point worrying about how many hours when I can't actually sit still for ten minutes and can barely hold a thought in my head.
I do feel better now. But still worried. Just 15 minutes and no internet until after work - not even at lunchtime. NO internet.
Boo hiss.
x J
I feel like it is going down the tubes and I don't know waht to do. I spent all of last week doing nothing except skiving. Where is my discipline? I don't need to have anything done 'urgently', since I am now writing, this paper only needs to be rough, and the deadline is still a month away...
I feel very guilty and annoyed at myself, but what scares/worries me most is the impotence of my guilt and annoyance - it is falling on deaf ears. I am really scared that I won't work any more, that I won't get done what I want before I go on maternity leave... that I will leave it all until I come back. And I know as I write this that I am talking as if I am not in control of myself, as if something else tells me when I can or cannot work. The obvious refrain is: just work goddamnit! But I *just can't*. I have thought about taking my radio away so I can't put it on, and so in silence I will work. I need my internet to be confiscated too. But it goes further than that, I just *cannot* concentrate - even with no internet or radio I would find the window and stare out of that. I am a daydreamer, a flippetygibbet, up and down like a yo-yo, I have HDD. Is this writers block? I don't know how it can be, seeing as I know exactly what to write, it is simply getting down to writing it that is doing my head in.
So what to do?
I know. I have to do the whole 'write your dissertation in 15 minutes a day' thing. So, set a 15 minute time chunk and work for that. Then if I can stay until 30 minutes, great. If not, then do something else for 5 minutes. Then come back and do another 15 minutes. Work until lunchtime and go to the pool for a long break and stretch and that too will make me feel in control and organised. Eat a healthy breakfast and lunch. Don't snack. Do the 15 minutes thing again in the afternoon. This way I could get at least 3 hours work done which would be great - a lot of the point here is getting me used to sitting and working for periods of time, to not getting up and being distracted, to focussing and concentrating, and to thinking about my paper more than anything else. Once this habit is routine, hopefully by the end of the week, then we can start worrying about getting the hours in. For now there is no point worrying about how many hours when I can't actually sit still for ten minutes and can barely hold a thought in my head.
I do feel better now. But still worried. Just 15 minutes and no internet until after work - not even at lunchtime. NO internet.
Boo hiss.
x J
Friday, 4 September 2009
Fed up!
I am fed up. Fed. Up.
I have done no work, this is bad.
I have tummy ache, this is bad.
I won't eat anything healthy as it makes me feel sick, which is why I have the tummy ache. This is bad.
I can't conentrate on anything, flicking hither and thither and being a total manic freak. This is bad.
I can't go swimming because I have to go to the hospital to look at the maternity ward. This is bad.
I have to interact with a midwife lovely person. This is bad and will undoubtedly make her feel bad.
I want to have KFC for dins and this is bad.
That I know this is all bad makes me feel bad and this is... Bad.
Good? Hmmm. Not sure. Just waiting for today to be over so I can start a new working week next week that is productive and not so sulky?!! Why am I in such a sulk? Why don't I just a) do some work even for ten minutes; b) go for a walk later; c) eat KFC and get over it.
I think I may be in grump because I got on the scales this morning and am 3lbs over the weight I should be. :0( I don't want to be a big fat fatty! I have feelijng sorry with myself because I have a load of PhD to sit and do, plus being a fussy preggers lady both battling against my brain which says I should eat veg. arg veg NOOOOO.
Off to hosp, then shall probably mope around later until DB feels sorry for me and we get KFC.
lol
x J
I have done no work, this is bad.
I have tummy ache, this is bad.
I won't eat anything healthy as it makes me feel sick, which is why I have the tummy ache. This is bad.
I can't conentrate on anything, flicking hither and thither and being a total manic freak. This is bad.
I can't go swimming because I have to go to the hospital to look at the maternity ward. This is bad.
I have to interact with a midwife lovely person. This is bad and will undoubtedly make her feel bad.
I want to have KFC for dins and this is bad.
That I know this is all bad makes me feel bad and this is... Bad.
Good? Hmmm. Not sure. Just waiting for today to be over so I can start a new working week next week that is productive and not so sulky?!! Why am I in such a sulk? Why don't I just a) do some work even for ten minutes; b) go for a walk later; c) eat KFC and get over it.
I think I may be in grump because I got on the scales this morning and am 3lbs over the weight I should be. :0( I don't want to be a big fat fatty! I have feelijng sorry with myself because I have a load of PhD to sit and do, plus being a fussy preggers lady both battling against my brain which says I should eat veg. arg veg NOOOOO.
Off to hosp, then shall probably mope around later until DB feels sorry for me and we get KFC.
lol
x J
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Bit sheepish
I have to confess, and I am very embarrassed to do so, but I didn't really do anything today.
I feel so awful and so embarrassed at myself! I am supposed to be a hard working academic and slowly, slowly I am slip-sliding into the slacker that I always was. This makes me cross, sad, frustrated and oddly not-bothered at the same time (the latter emotion being the main problem).
What can I do to get out of this? What might the problems be?
Problem 1
* I am bored. Really, really bored. Getting the ideas is exciting and reading for them is also pretty good. Writing them out is *tedious*.
Solution?
Stop waiting to be 'inspired', thinking you'll have a day of working like a demon and that this will then carry on into weeks of fevered work. It won't happen. Do be pleased with working more than you skive and take it from there. It *is* boring. Doing more exercise will perk you up, make you feel more in control and 'fresher' too.
Problem 2
* My concentration levels are really low and I don't even know how bad I am being until the end of the day when I have done nothing but procrastinate all day.
Solution?
Work in chunks of time, say for one hour, and turn the radio off for that time as you and I both know that surfing the internet is more fun with the radio than without. Then have time off and come back again.
Problem 3
* I feel that I am in a rut and don't like the room I work in because I feel it has lazy slacker vibes
Solution?
Work somewhere else! Clear your desk and tidy up so it isn't a dump?! Swap offices with DB over the next two weeks. Get out more and away from the laptop.
Ok, so my plan of action is thus: the work is boring and won't stop being boring. Full stop. This fact of it being boring is actually what makes it a PhD - it is the determination to work and work until you never want to work or think about it again. Overcome this by working in short chunks of time then wandering off. I also think I should go out of the house more to get out of my rut and away from the desk and claustrophobia of the laptop. Going out for a nice swim cannot be as much of a waste of time as staring at ebay for a chest of drawers. (But I do really need some drawers...)
Ok, feel a bit better now. Tomorrow will be *great*. I will start work for 10am, work for a couple of hours then go swimming... then come home and work for a couple more hours, which if it is only 4 hours in total, is better than sitting here doing nothing for an entire day.
x J
I feel so awful and so embarrassed at myself! I am supposed to be a hard working academic and slowly, slowly I am slip-sliding into the slacker that I always was. This makes me cross, sad, frustrated and oddly not-bothered at the same time (the latter emotion being the main problem).
What can I do to get out of this? What might the problems be?
Problem 1
* I am bored. Really, really bored. Getting the ideas is exciting and reading for them is also pretty good. Writing them out is *tedious*.
Solution?
Stop waiting to be 'inspired', thinking you'll have a day of working like a demon and that this will then carry on into weeks of fevered work. It won't happen. Do be pleased with working more than you skive and take it from there. It *is* boring. Doing more exercise will perk you up, make you feel more in control and 'fresher' too.
Problem 2
* My concentration levels are really low and I don't even know how bad I am being until the end of the day when I have done nothing but procrastinate all day.
Solution?
Work in chunks of time, say for one hour, and turn the radio off for that time as you and I both know that surfing the internet is more fun with the radio than without. Then have time off and come back again.
Problem 3
* I feel that I am in a rut and don't like the room I work in because I feel it has lazy slacker vibes
Solution?
Work somewhere else! Clear your desk and tidy up so it isn't a dump?! Swap offices with DB over the next two weeks. Get out more and away from the laptop.
Ok, so my plan of action is thus: the work is boring and won't stop being boring. Full stop. This fact of it being boring is actually what makes it a PhD - it is the determination to work and work until you never want to work or think about it again. Overcome this by working in short chunks of time then wandering off. I also think I should go out of the house more to get out of my rut and away from the desk and claustrophobia of the laptop. Going out for a nice swim cannot be as much of a waste of time as staring at ebay for a chest of drawers. (But I do really need some drawers...)
Ok, feel a bit better now. Tomorrow will be *great*. I will start work for 10am, work for a couple of hours then go swimming... then come home and work for a couple more hours, which if it is only 4 hours in total, is better than sitting here doing nothing for an entire day.
x J
And so...
I emailed my panel organiser and bless her she emailed back very quickly. She is in my department and the nicest person ever, but as yet I haven't met her. I am so shy and silly.
Anyway, the email said that academics are really slack when it comes to handing in papers for conferences and often only write really rough papers and just throw their ideas together, nothing very special, and often only just before the conference. So she said I should juust copy and paste some stuff from my chapters and leave it at that - see it more of an opportunity to get some ideas together than anything else. She also referred to a journal article she had submitted elsewhere and how she had taken a chunk from that for this conference and will intersperse it with new research she is doing atm... so a paper for a conference is clearly very different from a journal article, and I would say definitely secondary to...
Which is great as it means the 15 Sept won't be a deadline for anything at all, or not one I can't make in some kind of rough draft even if at the last minute. It also means I can stop worrying at the opening sentence of my introduction quite so much. Only problem is that I still have a mountain of work to do as this paper is full of new writing and ideas, so can't copy and paste anything really unless I change it and that may take ages in itself! And then what would I do? Write this paper up for my PhD anyway! SOOOO despite the deadline worrying me, I should write this up anyway, keep it simple, and use the deadline of around a months time to get this work done and then move on to the next chapter.
DF is cooking me some eggs and it is making me feel quite sick! How strange. Must be a Beanie thing.
Today I will just battle on then, but try not to worry so much while I am doing it and, well, almost enjoy it? I don't mind my work, its the deadlines that make me fret. But i have over a month to write this! Woo!
x J
Anyway, the email said that academics are really slack when it comes to handing in papers for conferences and often only write really rough papers and just throw their ideas together, nothing very special, and often only just before the conference. So she said I should juust copy and paste some stuff from my chapters and leave it at that - see it more of an opportunity to get some ideas together than anything else. She also referred to a journal article she had submitted elsewhere and how she had taken a chunk from that for this conference and will intersperse it with new research she is doing atm... so a paper for a conference is clearly very different from a journal article, and I would say definitely secondary to...
Which is great as it means the 15 Sept won't be a deadline for anything at all, or not one I can't make in some kind of rough draft even if at the last minute. It also means I can stop worrying at the opening sentence of my introduction quite so much. Only problem is that I still have a mountain of work to do as this paper is full of new writing and ideas, so can't copy and paste anything really unless I change it and that may take ages in itself! And then what would I do? Write this paper up for my PhD anyway! SOOOO despite the deadline worrying me, I should write this up anyway, keep it simple, and use the deadline of around a months time to get this work done and then move on to the next chapter.
DF is cooking me some eggs and it is making me feel quite sick! How strange. Must be a Beanie thing.
Today I will just battle on then, but try not to worry so much while I am doing it and, well, almost enjoy it? I don't mind my work, its the deadlines that make me fret. But i have over a month to write this! Woo!
x J
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Sorted, I think!
I think I have managed to sort my dilemma and think I can actually write it now!
Phew! I will definitely sleep easier tonight and feel less stressed but still have a long way to go (until it is written really). I have realised that I am going to take out all the writing that I poached from the chapter and use completely new material... this is great for the PhD as it means that by the 10 Oct I will have another chapter and 7,000 words down... But not so good for my deadline! Oh well, once I get writing it will be ok.
I did a new plan, is incomprehensible to anyone but me but explains the structure under headings and has all the references under each argument/thread... I have started writing the introduction and I have the vaguest clue what the essay is about so is just about getting some kind of flow and vocabulary (I can't write in academic language at all!). I emailed the lady who is organising our panel at the conference to ask her when the actual deadline is (!) and who the paper is actually for (!) so I can know whether panicking and losing sleep over the deadline of the 15th is actually worth it or not... and also not rush this work if it isn't necessary. I hate not being able to think because I am time-pressured. I hate being time-pressured. I am expecting her to say the 10th of Oct is fine, so if she says the 15th I will be caught out. This worries me, especially as the organiser is actually in the Occupied Palestinian Territories atm (which is why it took me so long to be desperate enough to need to email her)... I did try a forum with little joy, it seems all conferences have their own little quirks so can't really generalise... some conferences have strict paper deadlines before the conference while others are happy with the abstract and the paper is done for the actual conference day. I don't know what mine does (the website won't tell me) so am lost.
Well, anyway.
I am going to bumble now and pretend to work but not. I am also going to watch some teevee for it is one of those days - I have been quarrelling with my sister all day and am really sick and tired of it :0( And I am a bit pregnant which makes me super sensitive to family quarrelling... and I keep having bad dreams and i don't like it. And I don't like my work. BUT
I can be happy because I really have got over a nasty hump in this work, the transition from reading to planning to writing is always so hard and actually normally takes me weeks or fannying about so I should be pretty happy it only took days ;0); I can be happy because there is actually no footy on tv tonight so I can watch location, location, location and dragons den and be a slob AND DB just came in and asked about dins and I said I can't be bothered to think about it and he suggested fish and chips which is what I am DYING for. YAY! I have eaten so healthily and exercised and everything and now am going to cash in my brownie points.
Tomorrow I am going to do my introduction. No radio like today and minimal skiving. For once I feel I can leave the work and come back to it and sit down and do something, instead of being flummoxed.
Start of term again soon... Ooooh. People! Yuk.
x J
Phew! I will definitely sleep easier tonight and feel less stressed but still have a long way to go (until it is written really). I have realised that I am going to take out all the writing that I poached from the chapter and use completely new material... this is great for the PhD as it means that by the 10 Oct I will have another chapter and 7,000 words down... But not so good for my deadline! Oh well, once I get writing it will be ok.
I did a new plan, is incomprehensible to anyone but me but explains the structure under headings and has all the references under each argument/thread... I have started writing the introduction and I have the vaguest clue what the essay is about so is just about getting some kind of flow and vocabulary (I can't write in academic language at all!). I emailed the lady who is organising our panel at the conference to ask her when the actual deadline is (!) and who the paper is actually for (!) so I can know whether panicking and losing sleep over the deadline of the 15th is actually worth it or not... and also not rush this work if it isn't necessary. I hate not being able to think because I am time-pressured. I hate being time-pressured. I am expecting her to say the 10th of Oct is fine, so if she says the 15th I will be caught out. This worries me, especially as the organiser is actually in the Occupied Palestinian Territories atm (which is why it took me so long to be desperate enough to need to email her)... I did try a forum with little joy, it seems all conferences have their own little quirks so can't really generalise... some conferences have strict paper deadlines before the conference while others are happy with the abstract and the paper is done for the actual conference day. I don't know what mine does (the website won't tell me) so am lost.
Well, anyway.
I am going to bumble now and pretend to work but not. I am also going to watch some teevee for it is one of those days - I have been quarrelling with my sister all day and am really sick and tired of it :0( And I am a bit pregnant which makes me super sensitive to family quarrelling... and I keep having bad dreams and i don't like it. And I don't like my work. BUT
I can be happy because I really have got over a nasty hump in this work, the transition from reading to planning to writing is always so hard and actually normally takes me weeks or fannying about so I should be pretty happy it only took days ;0); I can be happy because there is actually no footy on tv tonight so I can watch location, location, location and dragons den and be a slob AND DB just came in and asked about dins and I said I can't be bothered to think about it and he suggested fish and chips which is what I am DYING for. YAY! I have eaten so healthily and exercised and everything and now am going to cash in my brownie points.
Tomorrow I am going to do my introduction. No radio like today and minimal skiving. For once I feel I can leave the work and come back to it and sit down and do something, instead of being flummoxed.
Start of term again soon... Ooooh. People! Yuk.
x J
I have worked!
So I got up this morning before 9am (a miracle, I am that sleepy these days) and had a sandwich and a bacon sandwich and worked from 10 until nearly 1!
Did lots of planning and thesis organising for the paper, and am now much more ready to go. I think.
Arf.
x J
Did lots of planning and thesis organising for the paper, and am now much more ready to go. I think.
Arf.
x J
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
oh blo*ody hell
Bah well today I did some work, got into a pickle with it, left it and now... I dunno.
Am quite miserable about the whole thing and feel so sure I can't do it. I wish I could just say I can't do it and walk away. I think it may be because I haven't written anything serious for quite a long time, just writing out chapters which are for me only so am not too worried about form and style etc - which means they turn out ok really. Or am I just in that beginning stage when all writing seems daunting? I have read and re-read, planned and planned, and yet I feel like I can't remember the point of it?!! Does this mean I should leave it until I get some perspective... or battle on?! I don't want to leave it. Righty, I shall work on it until 6pm, it is 5pm now. I shall try and remember what this work is about and if I need to I will go back and do some reading and make another plan. I think I may have a problem in that my reading doesn't necessarily fit into the plans I had before I did it... So now the plans are quite all encompassing when the reading is actually very nuanced, and to try and cover all the themes I have going would be fine for my PhD but not for a journal paper... And certainly not for a ten minute presentation at a conference... I am just so reluctant to read and plan *again*! Well, I shall go and play with different things, look at my synopses notes, look at my plan and look at my current intro (not very sharp - because I feel I am not sure what I am saying. This definitely sounds like a planning issue?). It's the deadline too. It's really stressing me out. But, it is only Tuesday, and this week is all about getting over problems like this. Arg, is Tuesday!
On the other hand the midwife appt was excellent, beanie was sticking right out of my tum when we went to check my bump and get the heartbeat (which was so strong and delicious to hear) which was so sweet. And we are down for a homebirth! Brilliant stuff.
x J
Am quite miserable about the whole thing and feel so sure I can't do it. I wish I could just say I can't do it and walk away. I think it may be because I haven't written anything serious for quite a long time, just writing out chapters which are for me only so am not too worried about form and style etc - which means they turn out ok really. Or am I just in that beginning stage when all writing seems daunting? I have read and re-read, planned and planned, and yet I feel like I can't remember the point of it?!! Does this mean I should leave it until I get some perspective... or battle on?! I don't want to leave it. Righty, I shall work on it until 6pm, it is 5pm now. I shall try and remember what this work is about and if I need to I will go back and do some reading and make another plan. I think I may have a problem in that my reading doesn't necessarily fit into the plans I had before I did it... So now the plans are quite all encompassing when the reading is actually very nuanced, and to try and cover all the themes I have going would be fine for my PhD but not for a journal paper... And certainly not for a ten minute presentation at a conference... I am just so reluctant to read and plan *again*! Well, I shall go and play with different things, look at my synopses notes, look at my plan and look at my current intro (not very sharp - because I feel I am not sure what I am saying. This definitely sounds like a planning issue?). It's the deadline too. It's really stressing me out. But, it is only Tuesday, and this week is all about getting over problems like this. Arg, is Tuesday!
On the other hand the midwife appt was excellent, beanie was sticking right out of my tum when we went to check my bump and get the heartbeat (which was so strong and delicious to hear) which was so sweet. And we are down for a homebirth! Brilliant stuff.
x J
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