oh blo*ody hell

Bah well today I did some work, got into a pickle with it, left it and now... I dunno.

Am quite miserable about the whole thing and feel so sure I can't do it. I wish I could just say I can't do it and walk away. I think it may be because I haven't written anything serious for quite a long time, just writing out chapters which are for me only so am not too worried about form and style etc - which means they turn out ok really. Or am I just in that beginning stage when all writing seems daunting? I have read and re-read, planned and planned, and yet I feel like I can't remember the point of it?!! Does this mean I should leave it until I get some perspective... or battle on?! I don't want to leave it. Righty, I shall work on it until 6pm, it is 5pm now. I shall try and remember what this work is about and if I need to I will go back and do some reading and make another plan. I think I may have a problem in that my reading doesn't necessarily fit into the plans I had before I did it... So now the plans are quite all encompassing when the reading is actually very nuanced, and to try and cover all the themes I have going would be fine for my PhD but not for a journal paper... And certainly not for a ten minute presentation at a conference... I am just so reluctant to read and plan *again*! Well, I shall go and play with different things, look at my synopses notes, look at my plan and look at my current intro (not very sharp - because I feel I am not sure what I am saying. This definitely sounds like a planning issue?). It's the deadline too. It's really stressing me out. But, it is only Tuesday, and this week is all about getting over problems like this. Arg, is Tuesday!

On the other hand the midwife appt was excellent, beanie was sticking right out of my tum when we went to check my bump and get the heartbeat (which was so strong and delicious to hear) which was so sweet. And we are down for a homebirth! Brilliant stuff.

x J