Wake me when it's all over...

Yes, yes today I am eeyore. I am a total stressed-out grouch. I could take the sun out of anyone's day. I hate the world, and the world hates me.

My poor friend. I say one because my experience at lunch taught me that company perhaps did not ought to seek me out today. I told my friend who I was meant to be meeting at five that I just couldn't. My Sup has given me some reading to do (which didn't attach to the email, so perhaps I am off the hook tonight?!) to do with micro-credit and political economy... We were chatting and he said that I couldn't possibly expect to go away and find out everything about everything about the Tsunami in India. Which I agreed too very enthusiastically and with tremendous relief - I hadn't realised that was an issue but had been subconciously worried about it. Thank goodness for Supervisors. I really had been wondering how I was meant to find out everything about everything but then ah! he said 'how about focussing on the political economy of the post-disaster situ' which is GREAT. Because the INGOs tend to define their aid-recipients in terms of economics and economic lingo in 'livelihoods' so it makes sense. However, it is terrifying because when the project is vague and woolly it feels a lot more ad-hoc and like, 'if I know anything it will be a miracle! So what can I expect?!' but when it has a focus, then it has an actual goal and a LOT of expectation.

No me gusta.

Sooooooo tomorrow I am going to read these articles Sup has told me to read (and says I should be fine just reading them and no more. Fingers crossed they aren't enormous though) and will use them to hone down what I want to find out in TN and who I will aim to talk to in the first place. This means instead of talking to all the sub-groups I can think of I just need to target three or four, and within these I can cross reference other groups e.g. 'women' or 'Caste' etc. It is fabulous. It creates a focus but once again reminds me of how much I have to learn. It also means that my other chapters will need to be redone with a similar focus. It also means I have a whole new literature genre to get stuck into when I get back, a whole new language to learn and a whole new PhD to do.

I don't think it will *ever* end.

Maybe, instead of thinking about it in terms of having more to do, I should think of it more in terms of having a clearer path and less time spent going down the wrong one. I am honing in on my craft. Does that read as unenthusiastically as I feel?!!

I have a really horrible feeling that this experience is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better! In fact I know it. Now I am starting to get why people later into their PhD are so stressed. I can't believe how much work I have to do!

Good job I am bu*gering off really.

So, yes, I let my five o' clock friend off the hook and invited him round for a pint later in the week when I am not so miserable and stressed and have so much blinkin' work to do. I have been so bad that I almost got teary-eyed in front of my sup. Not quite, but I felt it coming. And I thought to go to superdrug and get some travel padlocks I saw in there the other week and almost had a panic attack. Really; I got very short of breath and hot and bothered so left pronto. And came home. Just a big ball of worry today. Tomorrow, I have no doubt, will be better. Each day will be better from now. I think today was a crux day - seeing my Sup and everything.

I bought us a giant pizza and some chippies for tea for comfort food. Normally we would probably have a glass of wine tonight but all booze is banned excepting Saturday (DB's beeday). What would we talk about anyway? Moving?! Rubbish.

Am off. Going to put on some washing and maybe think about packing or something. Or just lie down in the dark and hum to myself.

x J