So the laptop ban worked pretty well...
I did some work this morning and lost concentration after a couple of hours (was incredibly bored) so took Beanie swimming! We had a lovely time and despite being in my fourth month of pregnancy still fit comfortably in the 'fast lane' of the pool and even overtook a few of the men. Haha! Take that! It was great and really uplifting; I think beanie is a waterbaby. We will be going at least twice a week from now on!
DB took us out for some lunch afterwards to refuel and then I have worked until now. It is really hard as I am so tired and really, really bored. I have to read through these blinkin' reports and am just not sure when an interesting note is going to come up so have to read and read and re-read (as I dose off and realise I haven't actually read any of the last three pages) and bah. I have so much more to do! Am reading a pretty interesting report now though so am leaving it to come back to tomorrow. By interesting I mean I know it will have something useful in it, in itself it is not actually 'interesting'.
Keep having evil flashes of lost confidence. It's this conference, it's scaring me to death. I am so scared I don't even know why I started all this in the first place. Who cares?! Sometimes I think I could just up and leave it - the only reason I don't is because my Mum said if I get pregnant I won't finish my PhD and because I have put in so much effort - and so have other people (i.e. Sup). It is perhaps a typical sign of one nearing the end of a PhD - I know it becomes completely and entirely vile and unrewarding for a long time.
I just don't know how I can write a paper to the standard necessary for a super-journal. I don't know why I worry about it, apart from the fact it is a deadline and I have to meet it! I suppose I can always work in India. It isn't the reading so much as the writing that concerns me, I don't know how long it will take at all but am sure I haven't given enough. Maybe I should pull forward my deadline and say I have to have all the reading and planning done for when I return from India, then start writing. I dunno.
Think it may be time to call it a day and sink into some Harry Potter for a while!
Gawd doing a PhD is hard. And scary. What if I am talking complete rubbish?! (In the PhD I mean, not the blog - it goes without saying that the latter is absolute, uncensored rubbish. Brain-vomit if you please.) What I need is to read a lovely report that backs up all my critical neurotic hypotheses about the evil machinations of politicians. Which I know exists because I read it before. Come back to me!
Maybe my concern is symptomatic of a day of reading that has only provided little nuggets of info. On the whole it has been completely shite.
5.30! I'm outta here!
x J
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Monday, 29 June 2009
Ps Tomorrow
Tomorrow I am banning the laptop. I shall not turn it on until either lunchtime if I am desperate or the end of the day. I have no need of it and can just sit and highlight away.
So no posts!
And I shall go to lady-only swimming.
Wish me luck in my new venture of work and exercise!
x J
So no posts!
And I shall go to lady-only swimming.
Wish me luck in my new venture of work and exercise!
x J
endofmondaysortof
Today has gone by in a wonderful unproductive blur...
I DID fill out our visa forms and sent them off after much faffing (they are very faff-inducing documents) so now can sit and wait in quiet fear until our passports are duly returned in the next couple of weeks. Not lost, returned. Not stolen in the post, returned. And not returned without a visa stamp, but with visa stamp. In time for us leaving. Thank you Indian visa office.
I also did some work! For, ahhhh, the last 10 minutes.
I also made some lunch of beans on toast and read a lot of nonsense on the internet and found a maternity bikini I like the look of for when in India. Is a tankini actually, so as not to offend the local population too much with my fecundity. It's a bit 'not done', but then I will only get my tum out in a place where bikinis are tolerated - the local expat pool. I know, but we all need a break from pretending to love our fieldwork and all the cultural rules and personality restraints that come with it sometimes.
I will work so much better tomorrow. Well I will work now until 5.30pm when I shall slope off with a disproportionate (well, completely false and unearned) sense of a job well done. I am just like that today, kind of upbeat and unflappable. Ridiculously positive. Must be hormones.
I am very excited because DB is off out to play tennis tonight which means I get to hang around and chat to Bean and watch all the tele I like, at a volume that pleases me and fidget away and lie down on the big settee. And eat whenever and whatever I please. Sometimes it just is lovely to be alone. DF works constantly on his laptop in the living room, tutting and frowning and pulling faces at his screen like a troll in a space that I like to think of as somewhere to go to 'relax'. Fat chance with all that going on, it makes me quite tense. I need a tv in the bedroom, then I needn't hardly leave the top floor of our house OR interact with my beloved. Faintly depressing but... ahhh, my own tele.
Hehe. I am so proud of him really, I know he doesn't want to work constantly and it bores him to death, he only does it for us. I do look forward to Bean kicking him out by screaming constantly so he has to get an office though. So he can leave his inner troll at the office and come home and be lovely and sunny like he is when he is on holiday seeing his mates in cornwall. Lovely.
Oh well, better release my own inner troll and do some of that work!
x J
I DID fill out our visa forms and sent them off after much faffing (they are very faff-inducing documents) so now can sit and wait in quiet fear until our passports are duly returned in the next couple of weeks. Not lost, returned. Not stolen in the post, returned. And not returned without a visa stamp, but with visa stamp. In time for us leaving. Thank you Indian visa office.
I also did some work! For, ahhhh, the last 10 minutes.
I also made some lunch of beans on toast and read a lot of nonsense on the internet and found a maternity bikini I like the look of for when in India. Is a tankini actually, so as not to offend the local population too much with my fecundity. It's a bit 'not done', but then I will only get my tum out in a place where bikinis are tolerated - the local expat pool. I know, but we all need a break from pretending to love our fieldwork and all the cultural rules and personality restraints that come with it sometimes.
I will work so much better tomorrow. Well I will work now until 5.30pm when I shall slope off with a disproportionate (well, completely false and unearned) sense of a job well done. I am just like that today, kind of upbeat and unflappable. Ridiculously positive. Must be hormones.
I am very excited because DB is off out to play tennis tonight which means I get to hang around and chat to Bean and watch all the tele I like, at a volume that pleases me and fidget away and lie down on the big settee. And eat whenever and whatever I please. Sometimes it just is lovely to be alone. DF works constantly on his laptop in the living room, tutting and frowning and pulling faces at his screen like a troll in a space that I like to think of as somewhere to go to 'relax'. Fat chance with all that going on, it makes me quite tense. I need a tv in the bedroom, then I needn't hardly leave the top floor of our house OR interact with my beloved. Faintly depressing but... ahhh, my own tele.
Hehe. I am so proud of him really, I know he doesn't want to work constantly and it bores him to death, he only does it for us. I do look forward to Bean kicking him out by screaming constantly so he has to get an office though. So he can leave his inner troll at the office and come home and be lovely and sunny like he is when he is on holiday seeing his mates in cornwall. Lovely.
Oh well, better release my own inner troll and do some of that work!
x J
Erm...
My head is in the clouds. I admit this now, and also admit that the child in my head in the clouds does not want to rectify this; has not even considered sorting it out, in fact.
It is Monday. I am tired, probably because I woke up at around 8am but did not get out of bed until 9.30am - because I am lazy. This slack start to the day has not given me inspiration and motivation and am currently catching up with the internet reading I banned myself from for most of the weekend... Because I wanted a rest from the goddamn laptop. (I do get sick of being attacked by snappy info from news sites and forums and facebook etc and then watching snappy tele like BB and panel quiz shows and even the news these days, or being bombarded with quickfire adverts constantly. I actually feel like my brain is being seared and like shouting and breaking everything until I take myself off to my room and just lie there in blissful, unbroken silence...)
I did not go swimming this weekend. I did feel quite rough. I did manage to get into town and do some fun shopping (buying trackies for my new tum) and sleep quite a bit. I did not do any work yesterday because I could not be bothered and felt rubbish. I did get my passport pictures done though. And ate a horrible take away on Friday night in lieu of boozey. It was gross in every way. I also watched a lot of tv and cleaned the house to a ridiculous standard and with painful attention to detail. I also ate a lot of fruit and veg and feel all the better for it.
Today I have to sort out our visa applications, go for a swim (in who's universe?), and get back into this work. We go to India two weeks on Thursday! Oh my word. I don't wanna go! It's too soon!
I think I want Uni to start again. But it won't start until Sept. What to do! I need a meeting or something to ground me again, get me back into the groove of what this is all about. Something bigger than me - cause I am weak and too easily give into naughtiness. So naughty.
Today the least I will do is:
* Fill out the visa applications
* fill out my leisure card thing that means swimming is £1.70 instead of £3.70
* Do some reading and highlighting and turn off the computer - after luncheon
I would say just one thing - it is a terrible thing making someone do a new chapter straight on the back of just completing one. It should never be done. Take a week off! Go away somewhere! Have some fun and a life!
G'bye!
x Slackbum
It is Monday. I am tired, probably because I woke up at around 8am but did not get out of bed until 9.30am - because I am lazy. This slack start to the day has not given me inspiration and motivation and am currently catching up with the internet reading I banned myself from for most of the weekend... Because I wanted a rest from the goddamn laptop. (I do get sick of being attacked by snappy info from news sites and forums and facebook etc and then watching snappy tele like BB and panel quiz shows and even the news these days, or being bombarded with quickfire adverts constantly. I actually feel like my brain is being seared and like shouting and breaking everything until I take myself off to my room and just lie there in blissful, unbroken silence...)
I did not go swimming this weekend. I did feel quite rough. I did manage to get into town and do some fun shopping (buying trackies for my new tum) and sleep quite a bit. I did not do any work yesterday because I could not be bothered and felt rubbish. I did get my passport pictures done though. And ate a horrible take away on Friday night in lieu of boozey. It was gross in every way. I also watched a lot of tv and cleaned the house to a ridiculous standard and with painful attention to detail. I also ate a lot of fruit and veg and feel all the better for it.
Today I have to sort out our visa applications, go for a swim (in who's universe?), and get back into this work. We go to India two weeks on Thursday! Oh my word. I don't wanna go! It's too soon!
I think I want Uni to start again. But it won't start until Sept. What to do! I need a meeting or something to ground me again, get me back into the groove of what this is all about. Something bigger than me - cause I am weak and too easily give into naughtiness. So naughty.
Today the least I will do is:
* Fill out the visa applications
* fill out my leisure card thing that means swimming is £1.70 instead of £3.70
* Do some reading and highlighting and turn off the computer - after luncheon
I would say just one thing - it is a terrible thing making someone do a new chapter straight on the back of just completing one. It should never be done. Take a week off! Go away somewhere! Have some fun and a life!
G'bye!
x Slackbum
Friday, 26 June 2009
Work work worketty work
Yes, I did some!
And now I would like nothing more than to b*gger off and drink my body weight of cider and red wine and smoke lots and lots of fags and relax.
But instead I shall do lovely things like make dins and watch tele and remain sober.
I haven't had any boozy cravings for weeks! I thought I had quite got over it, but arrrrrrg it would be so nice. I have had a stressful week which is now all ironed out, have done some work and managed to get my paper on track so just need to motor through these reports and articles and am feeling generally all optimistic. I just fancy being all drunk and silly and collapsing into bed after lots of wine and chats and carefree-ness. Being sober is so *boring*.
How to celebrate my good mood then?! I don't know!! Oh well, I shall be over it soon enough. Db would really like to go to the pub but there is not *way* I am watching him get drunk while I nurse a fakey beer. No way! Am much too bitter!
I am going to stop this train of thought for it is so pointless. I shall finish this article I am reading then go and watch 'come dine with me' and set about making some nice pizzas I think. And I shall rub my tum with the little bean within and all will be well with the world of sobriety in which I live.
Ug I will work on Sunday. Am not working tomorrow I don't think, unless guilt gets the better of me, as it was kind of a reward for my working hard today. Though anyway, now these reports are printed I should be able to read them so much faster than the 5 weeks I have. Yay!
x J
And now I would like nothing more than to b*gger off and drink my body weight of cider and red wine and smoke lots and lots of fags and relax.
But instead I shall do lovely things like make dins and watch tele and remain sober.
I haven't had any boozy cravings for weeks! I thought I had quite got over it, but arrrrrrg it would be so nice. I have had a stressful week which is now all ironed out, have done some work and managed to get my paper on track so just need to motor through these reports and articles and am feeling generally all optimistic. I just fancy being all drunk and silly and collapsing into bed after lots of wine and chats and carefree-ness. Being sober is so *boring*.
How to celebrate my good mood then?! I don't know!! Oh well, I shall be over it soon enough. Db would really like to go to the pub but there is not *way* I am watching him get drunk while I nurse a fakey beer. No way! Am much too bitter!
I am going to stop this train of thought for it is so pointless. I shall finish this article I am reading then go and watch 'come dine with me' and set about making some nice pizzas I think. And I shall rub my tum with the little bean within and all will be well with the world of sobriety in which I live.
Ug I will work on Sunday. Am not working tomorrow I don't think, unless guilt gets the better of me, as it was kind of a reward for my working hard today. Though anyway, now these reports are printed I should be able to read them so much faster than the 5 weeks I have. Yay!
x J
Productive printing day!
I have been umm-ing and arr-ing about these reports I have to read, knowing that reading them all online and taking note would be tedious, time consuming and just completely vile.
So I thought I should print them, so I can read them really quickly, highlight instead of copying out notes and quotes, and also refer back to them easily during the write up. I have a little printer at home but looking at the size of the reports (40-90 pages!) it wasn't an easy decision - all that paper and ink!
Anyway, in the end I went for it and have spent the morning printing out tonnes of reports and am so pleased! Reading these like this will take half the time of trying to read online and write anything important out again on paper. I have found some excellent material too. Hurray! 22 reports I have to read now (and journal articles and newspaper articles). These should all form the basis of my thesis and references I think (I hope!)
Sooo... to get reading and highlighting!
x J
So I thought I should print them, so I can read them really quickly, highlight instead of copying out notes and quotes, and also refer back to them easily during the write up. I have a little printer at home but looking at the size of the reports (40-90 pages!) it wasn't an easy decision - all that paper and ink!
Anyway, in the end I went for it and have spent the morning printing out tonnes of reports and am so pleased! Reading these like this will take half the time of trying to read online and write anything important out again on paper. I have found some excellent material too. Hurray! 22 reports I have to read now (and journal articles and newspaper articles). These should all form the basis of my thesis and references I think (I hope!)
Sooo... to get reading and highlighting!
x J
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Long couple of days...
So I am finally back, after two days of horribleness.
Had a Beanie scare yesterday so went to the docs around lunchtime and had a scan this morning. So yesterday I tried to work for a bit then gave up and watched tele, ate chicken (love chicken, was a good sign that all was ok with Beanie), and snoozed and today thankfully saw littl'in kicking and squirming away with a sound heartbeat and all their little bones in place (1cm loong thigh bone! ahhhhh!) - was great. I can't tell you how much I am completely and utterly in love with this little one already. DB and I just cannot imagine our lives without them, they are a concrete part of our immeidate future so it was a horrible moment thinking they may not be very well. BUT it was ok. And I am not determined not to take anything for granted with this pregnancy! Sod the exercise for now, it can wait!
Was at the appt from 8.30 to 11am, so went for celebration lunch (sausages and black pudding - it's the Bean I tell you! loves the meat!) and am now home, and completely shattered!
Not sure what to do with today, to be honest all I want to to is try and exorcise the stress hormones that have been dominating my body for the past 24 hours, read a little, sleep a little and just chill out and enjoy everything being ok. On the other hand I think we all know how much work I have to do and how little time!
So what would be best? What are the options...
a) don't work, be happy and potter for today and work at the weekend instead.
b) try and work.
c) work and potter at the same time.
Hmmm. Sod it. I am off for today. I was meant to have today off anyway, to celebrate being in the second trimester (! wooo!) but yesterday kind of overshadowed that and am now just, well, relieved. DB and I planned to go out and get a little outfit today for Bean and maybe some new clothes for the burgeoning mama, eat some food and go to the cinema maybe later, but in the end we really didn't feel like it so are just working and hanging around the house - glad for the safe, mundane banality of the everyday perhaps.
I think I feel kind of happy but mostly shellshocked and in a weird way just want to spend some chill-out time with Bean. Which is a bit strange considering I am *always*spending time with Bean! hehe. But I feel I have been a stressy ma and want to kind of chill and read and be peaceful and calm us both down.
I think I shall just do that. Sit in the garden and drink apple juice and water, read Harry Potter and banish guilt feelings. I shall come back tomorrow stronger and with a calm head to concentrate on the rather demanding topic of the humanitarian effects of climate change.
Ok!
x J
Had a Beanie scare yesterday so went to the docs around lunchtime and had a scan this morning. So yesterday I tried to work for a bit then gave up and watched tele, ate chicken (love chicken, was a good sign that all was ok with Beanie), and snoozed and today thankfully saw littl'in kicking and squirming away with a sound heartbeat and all their little bones in place (1cm loong thigh bone! ahhhhh!) - was great. I can't tell you how much I am completely and utterly in love with this little one already. DB and I just cannot imagine our lives without them, they are a concrete part of our immeidate future so it was a horrible moment thinking they may not be very well. BUT it was ok. And I am not determined not to take anything for granted with this pregnancy! Sod the exercise for now, it can wait!
Was at the appt from 8.30 to 11am, so went for celebration lunch (sausages and black pudding - it's the Bean I tell you! loves the meat!) and am now home, and completely shattered!
Not sure what to do with today, to be honest all I want to to is try and exorcise the stress hormones that have been dominating my body for the past 24 hours, read a little, sleep a little and just chill out and enjoy everything being ok. On the other hand I think we all know how much work I have to do and how little time!
So what would be best? What are the options...
a) don't work, be happy and potter for today and work at the weekend instead.
b) try and work.
c) work and potter at the same time.
Hmmm. Sod it. I am off for today. I was meant to have today off anyway, to celebrate being in the second trimester (! wooo!) but yesterday kind of overshadowed that and am now just, well, relieved. DB and I planned to go out and get a little outfit today for Bean and maybe some new clothes for the burgeoning mama, eat some food and go to the cinema maybe later, but in the end we really didn't feel like it so are just working and hanging around the house - glad for the safe, mundane banality of the everyday perhaps.
I think I feel kind of happy but mostly shellshocked and in a weird way just want to spend some chill-out time with Bean. Which is a bit strange considering I am *always*spending time with Bean! hehe. But I feel I have been a stressy ma and want to kind of chill and read and be peaceful and calm us both down.
I think I shall just do that. Sit in the garden and drink apple juice and water, read Harry Potter and banish guilt feelings. I shall come back tomorrow stronger and with a calm head to concentrate on the rather demanding topic of the humanitarian effects of climate change.
Ok!
x J
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
All sorted
I managed to sit down last night and sort out my concerns about the work and the time I have.
I have organised how many reports I think I should read at the maximum and this is about 10. I have to remember that reports are there to evidence my argument, to show that I haven't made my thesis up. So I don't need a gazillion of references for every point, just a couple to show that it is a general trend of thought. These reports are huge so I am glad I have narrowed it down and become focused, this means I don't feel that I am staring down a black hole of report after report ad infinitum.
I also decided that in total I probably looking at about 40 sources for this paper, which will probably turn out to be more but that is my outline for now. This is very achievable. I have to also remember that papers/journal articles are always very concise, they have a focus and they hone in that focus very quickly - not like chapters for a PhD. And presentations are even more spartan, you really need to sort out the wheat from the chaff for presentations. So I am looking at being focussed rather than feeling that I have a world of literature in front of me to wade through, and only five weeks to do it!
So pleased and feel a lot more in control.
So, I have ten reports to read and I have less than three working weeks to do it: 15 days. Better get to it!
x J
I have organised how many reports I think I should read at the maximum and this is about 10. I have to remember that reports are there to evidence my argument, to show that I haven't made my thesis up. So I don't need a gazillion of references for every point, just a couple to show that it is a general trend of thought. These reports are huge so I am glad I have narrowed it down and become focused, this means I don't feel that I am staring down a black hole of report after report ad infinitum.
I also decided that in total I probably looking at about 40 sources for this paper, which will probably turn out to be more but that is my outline for now. This is very achievable. I have to also remember that papers/journal articles are always very concise, they have a focus and they hone in that focus very quickly - not like chapters for a PhD. And presentations are even more spartan, you really need to sort out the wheat from the chaff for presentations. So I am looking at being focussed rather than feeling that I have a world of literature in front of me to wade through, and only five weeks to do it!
So pleased and feel a lot more in control.
So, I have ten reports to read and I have less than three working weeks to do it: 15 days. Better get to it!
x J
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Sh*t
Oh my god. I have been working out and planning this paper and have realised that I have five weeks to read for it and two weeks to write it, in time for a check by my Sup and a weeks worth of re-write.
HOW can I research and write a whole new paper in that time?! Oh dear, I feel some evening and weekend work coming on...
ARSES!!! Irritatingly I refuse to get stressed about this, am just royally miffed like it is all this big surprise. Get stressed! And do some work!!
Arf. It is so rubbish. I have all these massive reports to read and I really, really don't want to. Not at all. And the problem is that despite having so little time, September is so far away in my head!! It really is, so it is hard to believe it is actually not far away at all. I still have the summer to go and an arduous three weeks in India to spend! I really worry that I will just coast until I get back from India, then come back and realise that I only have a month to go before the paper I have forgotton all about and have to completely re-read for, has to be in.
Hmmm. How to ameliorate this. Obviously doing some work would be good. And probably writing up what I know before going to India would help me on my return, rather than being faced with a pile of notes I have to try and work my way through before getting back into the swing of things... I suppose in a way I am not that fussed (despite the horrid stat right in my face) because I have a clear idea of where I am going with this, a brilliant (even if I say so myself, I am quite shocked at it) abstract with references (that I have forgotton all about) and a clear argument. It is not complicated. But then I *always* say that and it is *always* complicated in the end.
Arg, when will I learn? I used to be such a stress head, this would make me cry and wail and feel like a failure only a year ago. And at some point I 'matured' into the work and realised that being stressy and unconfident is a mugs game, as it all seems to get done somehow so why not enjoy it? And while this happened I lost my edge that drove me determinedly onward to meeting deadlines. I have got soft! I am too in my comfort zone! (erm, how is trying to do a presentation for the first time at a massive international conference when 30 weeks pregnant not going out of your comfort zone...) Ok, maybe not too in my comfort zone all the time, but maybe too much for now! I need someone to come and scare me, make me feel unconfident and worried about failure!
I shall go and work on it. Tomorrow I aim to be a blubbering insecure wreck and shall work like a demon. Or maybe I shall just work and eat sweets.
x J
HOW can I research and write a whole new paper in that time?! Oh dear, I feel some evening and weekend work coming on...
ARSES!!! Irritatingly I refuse to get stressed about this, am just royally miffed like it is all this big surprise. Get stressed! And do some work!!
Arf. It is so rubbish. I have all these massive reports to read and I really, really don't want to. Not at all. And the problem is that despite having so little time, September is so far away in my head!! It really is, so it is hard to believe it is actually not far away at all. I still have the summer to go and an arduous three weeks in India to spend! I really worry that I will just coast until I get back from India, then come back and realise that I only have a month to go before the paper I have forgotton all about and have to completely re-read for, has to be in.
Hmmm. How to ameliorate this. Obviously doing some work would be good. And probably writing up what I know before going to India would help me on my return, rather than being faced with a pile of notes I have to try and work my way through before getting back into the swing of things... I suppose in a way I am not that fussed (despite the horrid stat right in my face) because I have a clear idea of where I am going with this, a brilliant (even if I say so myself, I am quite shocked at it) abstract with references (that I have forgotton all about) and a clear argument. It is not complicated. But then I *always* say that and it is *always* complicated in the end.
Arg, when will I learn? I used to be such a stress head, this would make me cry and wail and feel like a failure only a year ago. And at some point I 'matured' into the work and realised that being stressy and unconfident is a mugs game, as it all seems to get done somehow so why not enjoy it? And while this happened I lost my edge that drove me determinedly onward to meeting deadlines. I have got soft! I am too in my comfort zone! (erm, how is trying to do a presentation for the first time at a massive international conference when 30 weeks pregnant not going out of your comfort zone...) Ok, maybe not too in my comfort zone all the time, but maybe too much for now! I need someone to come and scare me, make me feel unconfident and worried about failure!
I shall go and work on it. Tomorrow I aim to be a blubbering insecure wreck and shall work like a demon. Or maybe I shall just work and eat sweets.
x J
11am?
Well, my planned work time of 11am did not work out - we didn't leave the hospital until gone 11!
Yes, we were there for two whole hours. I managed to hear bean's heartbeat though which was *fantastic* and got a prescription for antibiotics I can take if I get ill in India! How brilliant! I feel much more reassured knowing I have these tablets, being ill was my biggest worry so phew. Was, in all, a great appt and am feeling very well looked after.
However, we didn't get home until 12.30 as needed a pit stop for some lunch to refuel after having loads of blood taken and no food all day! And to celebrate!
So afte having spent a couple of hours emailing and updating all my undoubtedly bored friends, I am ready to work. Am going to re-read my abstract, work out what the heck I am on about and try and sort out a plan of ideas, and of action for what I want to achieve before I get to india.
Worryingly, even though i think I have completed my methodology I am still confused about my application of theory. HOW can this be?! I wonder if I am just thick, or am just not being able to see the wood for the trees. I have done this before, concentrated so hard on the theory side of things that I can barely think of the work outside of theory, when in fact theory should just provide a guideline of how to think about your work and ideas so people get it and you don't babble simplistic rubbish.
Arg, what if it is simplistic rubbish?!!
x J
Yes, we were there for two whole hours. I managed to hear bean's heartbeat though which was *fantastic* and got a prescription for antibiotics I can take if I get ill in India! How brilliant! I feel much more reassured knowing I have these tablets, being ill was my biggest worry so phew. Was, in all, a great appt and am feeling very well looked after.
However, we didn't get home until 12.30 as needed a pit stop for some lunch to refuel after having loads of blood taken and no food all day! And to celebrate!
So afte having spent a couple of hours emailing and updating all my undoubtedly bored friends, I am ready to work. Am going to re-read my abstract, work out what the heck I am on about and try and sort out a plan of ideas, and of action for what I want to achieve before I get to india.
Worryingly, even though i think I have completed my methodology I am still confused about my application of theory. HOW can this be?! I wonder if I am just thick, or am just not being able to see the wood for the trees. I have done this before, concentrated so hard on the theory side of things that I can barely think of the work outside of theory, when in fact theory should just provide a guideline of how to think about your work and ideas so people get it and you don't babble simplistic rubbish.
Arg, what if it is simplistic rubbish?!!
x J
Monday, 22 June 2009
All sorted!
Just to say that I have worked out my work now.
I had a shower and then just realised that I am a) trying to plan a chapter when it is a paper I have a deadline for - so write that! And b) whatever I do work out with this paper it will be relevant for the PhD, so not to worry. I have too many chapters anyway and so think that this paper will form part of the lit review, providing background and context to contemporary debates, part of one of my other v important research chapters, and the discussion. It is a running concern that will be referred to throughout the thesis but *not* a focus, which I think is what I was assuming it was all day today. I was getting confused with how it fit in with my research question but I realise now it isn't an answer, but a vital stepping stone to a different answer.
Sometimes my brain is in a fog and seems to be able to only hold one thought at a time. Which is not good when trying to work out theses and foci and general PhDness.
It is raining like crazy here btw, is just lovely. I adore heavy rain :0) Bet DB doesn't though - he is out playing tennis! Oh! He just walked in like a wee drowned rat.
x J
I had a shower and then just realised that I am a) trying to plan a chapter when it is a paper I have a deadline for - so write that! And b) whatever I do work out with this paper it will be relevant for the PhD, so not to worry. I have too many chapters anyway and so think that this paper will form part of the lit review, providing background and context to contemporary debates, part of one of my other v important research chapters, and the discussion. It is a running concern that will be referred to throughout the thesis but *not* a focus, which I think is what I was assuming it was all day today. I was getting confused with how it fit in with my research question but I realise now it isn't an answer, but a vital stepping stone to a different answer.
Sometimes my brain is in a fog and seems to be able to only hold one thought at a time. Which is not good when trying to work out theses and foci and general PhDness.
It is raining like crazy here btw, is just lovely. I adore heavy rain :0) Bet DB doesn't though - he is out playing tennis! Oh! He just walked in like a wee drowned rat.
x J
Strange Day
Today has been really odd.
I started work, got out my bits and bobs and looked at it and bam, just couldn't work out why it fits into my PhD in such a big way. In fact, I am really stuck because I have committed myself to doing a paper on this 'chapter' that now I am thinking of halving in importance. So I may have ended up creating a whole world of work for myself when I have the least amount of time imaginable.
Oh blo*dy hell. Well, I actually wonder if the paper can be split into different chapters - the intro, lit review, and discussion, specifically - but still, working out how and why and where and what on earth this PhD is about is confusing me.
Why is doing a PhD so hard?!!!
I am going to stop for today because I am just too confuddled. Some time out would be very beneficial. I won't leave it alone though but keep worrying at it all night. It is not a difficult problem, just a glitch. I hope!
Have the docs tomorrow so won't start work until 11am or so.
Grrrrrr!!!
x J
I started work, got out my bits and bobs and looked at it and bam, just couldn't work out why it fits into my PhD in such a big way. In fact, I am really stuck because I have committed myself to doing a paper on this 'chapter' that now I am thinking of halving in importance. So I may have ended up creating a whole world of work for myself when I have the least amount of time imaginable.
Oh blo*dy hell. Well, I actually wonder if the paper can be split into different chapters - the intro, lit review, and discussion, specifically - but still, working out how and why and where and what on earth this PhD is about is confusing me.
Why is doing a PhD so hard?!!!
I am going to stop for today because I am just too confuddled. Some time out would be very beneficial. I won't leave it alone though but keep worrying at it all night. It is not a difficult problem, just a glitch. I hope!
Have the docs tomorrow so won't start work until 11am or so.
Grrrrrr!!!
x J
Monday, New week new chapter...
Arg Monday! New chapter!
So hard to get my head into wanting to sit and research and write another entire chapter! Starting a new one really makes you realise how much you knew about the previous one... and how little you know about this one...
Today is a slow, organising day. I am being nice to myself. I have to go out and post my wee bro's beeday pressie later and get some passport pics taken for my visa... I tried yesterday but failed miserably! A walk would be nice - am not into this chapter enough to be able to sit in the room all day thinking about it!
I think I will fill out our visa forms too. Fiddly but time consuming and a nagging chore I have to do.
I need to round up all the plans I have for this chapter and work out its focus and point in the PhD, (the ideas are quite new, based on very recent reports) and then work out what info I have so far as goes reports etc, saved on my comp, and start a reading list.
Then I think I shall work out a plan. I have three weeks before we go to India to concentrate fully on this - I can get a *lot* of reading done by then, at least the gist and know whether it is a line of attack worth pursuing (is really very critical and quite aggressive!). When I come back from India I will have 4 weeks to finish it and get my first draft to my Sup. The paper needs to be handed in on the 15 Sept. Arg. This is not long enough! Who wants to bet that I end up taking a lot of reading to India?!
I had a lovely weekend and am in a good mood to work, but also a bit startled that it is Monday already! Father's Day was fab, as expected DB had not remotely considered it had anything to do with him so was sooooooo happy with his card and pressie from Beanie! Yesterday I had a mini-fit about the size of my thighs and belly - the latter of which is all natural baby, but the former is *not* but DB totally chilled me out and on Thursday we are off for a jaunt into the City for some shopping and a wee outfit for out littl'un as we go into the second trimester... On the whole I am happy with my changing shape for Bean but sometimes I just forget or something and freak out about how much weight I am putting on (er, any - is about a lb a *week* in the second trimester! My word)) or how my clothes just don't fit any more. Pyschologically this is a bit of a battle sometimes because for the last two years I have lost two stone and got to my perfect weight - then got pregnant and will put it all back on! Hehe. An interesting thing about pregnancy that people don't tell you is that it is not just your tummy that changes shape, but your ribcage expands so you can't have a petite size 8 top any more, you put fat down on your arse *automatically*, and usually on your thighs too as a lovely food store for the Bean should they need it (they won't, not with all the ice cream I am cramming in!!! I know, but I can't help it!). I forget about this and with all the lovely pregnant models in my face (I know! All skinny with lovely neat and proportional boobs and bumps - no cellulite or big bums on they!) I think I am a right lardy wench! Not on. I shall ignore and get in shape next year aye. Phew! And I am off exercising because I don't think bean likes it much. Makes me feel ill and hurts! Shouldn't hurt.
Tomorrow we have to go to the local hospital to see the consultant, I think it is to do with my sister's Lupus which, if I have it, could make the pregnancy very high risk. I am confident I don't though so am sure they are making us go in for 9am and drive through the rush hour for a blood sample. If they check Beanie though it would be fab.
WORK!!!!! And on with chapter number 4 and my first paper for a conference... Only one of the biggest IR conferences in the world. No pressure then.
x J
So hard to get my head into wanting to sit and research and write another entire chapter! Starting a new one really makes you realise how much you knew about the previous one... and how little you know about this one...
Today is a slow, organising day. I am being nice to myself. I have to go out and post my wee bro's beeday pressie later and get some passport pics taken for my visa... I tried yesterday but failed miserably! A walk would be nice - am not into this chapter enough to be able to sit in the room all day thinking about it!
I think I will fill out our visa forms too. Fiddly but time consuming and a nagging chore I have to do.
I need to round up all the plans I have for this chapter and work out its focus and point in the PhD, (the ideas are quite new, based on very recent reports) and then work out what info I have so far as goes reports etc, saved on my comp, and start a reading list.
Then I think I shall work out a plan. I have three weeks before we go to India to concentrate fully on this - I can get a *lot* of reading done by then, at least the gist and know whether it is a line of attack worth pursuing (is really very critical and quite aggressive!). When I come back from India I will have 4 weeks to finish it and get my first draft to my Sup. The paper needs to be handed in on the 15 Sept. Arg. This is not long enough! Who wants to bet that I end up taking a lot of reading to India?!
I had a lovely weekend and am in a good mood to work, but also a bit startled that it is Monday already! Father's Day was fab, as expected DB had not remotely considered it had anything to do with him so was sooooooo happy with his card and pressie from Beanie! Yesterday I had a mini-fit about the size of my thighs and belly - the latter of which is all natural baby, but the former is *not* but DB totally chilled me out and on Thursday we are off for a jaunt into the City for some shopping and a wee outfit for out littl'un as we go into the second trimester... On the whole I am happy with my changing shape for Bean but sometimes I just forget or something and freak out about how much weight I am putting on (er, any - is about a lb a *week* in the second trimester! My word)) or how my clothes just don't fit any more. Pyschologically this is a bit of a battle sometimes because for the last two years I have lost two stone and got to my perfect weight - then got pregnant and will put it all back on! Hehe. An interesting thing about pregnancy that people don't tell you is that it is not just your tummy that changes shape, but your ribcage expands so you can't have a petite size 8 top any more, you put fat down on your arse *automatically*, and usually on your thighs too as a lovely food store for the Bean should they need it (they won't, not with all the ice cream I am cramming in!!! I know, but I can't help it!). I forget about this and with all the lovely pregnant models in my face (I know! All skinny with lovely neat and proportional boobs and bumps - no cellulite or big bums on they!) I think I am a right lardy wench! Not on. I shall ignore and get in shape next year aye. Phew! And I am off exercising because I don't think bean likes it much. Makes me feel ill and hurts! Shouldn't hurt.
Tomorrow we have to go to the local hospital to see the consultant, I think it is to do with my sister's Lupus which, if I have it, could make the pregnancy very high risk. I am confident I don't though so am sure they are making us go in for 9am and drive through the rush hour for a blood sample. If they check Beanie though it would be fab.
WORK!!!!! And on with chapter number 4 and my first paper for a conference... Only one of the biggest IR conferences in the world. No pressure then.
x J
Friday, 19 June 2009
End of Day
Well, I am stopping now. This chapter is pretty much done; well, not done but I am pretty sure it is in a fit state to return to.
I definitely feel that without actually completing it with dotted i's and crossed t's there is not much more I can/need to do. There are some bits I haven't written out completely clearly but that's mainly because I am not entirely sure what I want to do with it for now. It isn't written brilliantly either. I am tired now and forgetting the very simple point - always a sign that it is time to leave it for a bit. I can always revisit it in a month or so and tinker with it (not that I will - out of sight out of mind!). The main thing is that I have spent most of today writing short, easy sentences and, mainly, editing and making sentences perfect which really isn;t the point - so I must have finished or why I am doing that?! I can't think of anything urgent to do now. I have great planning notes and brainstorms that make it really clear the ideas and point of it all for when I come back to it... I am bizarrely and unexpectedly unable to 'finish' it in the clean way I anticipated and so feel that I am sloping off early... Is like doing fieldwork and feeling that you can't leave now, you're only just getting going! But I suppose that is the point a bit, I want to come back to it and hit the ground running.
I think I will go for a walk and get some air and stretch these limbs, I haven't actually left the house since Monday!!! (Really, I haven't - not even to get milk!! Have been sleeping, working, bathing and watching tele... How life will change come January...) Then I will come back and tidy away the mass of notes I have for this chapter and start organising reading for the next, and maybe do a time-plan (that I will never keep to).
I have very little time for this next chapter! Am not even completely sure if it is really relevant for the rest of the PhD or is just me being a pain and making more work for myself?! Well, whatever I have a conference to prepare for so the reading shall be done regardless!
Chapter stats:
* Is my third chapter written, out of a possible 8.
* 4000 words down with another 2/3000 of padding and functional bits like ethics and clear explanation of methods used (when research done) to add.
* Writing took one month, with a lot of faffing
* Reading and preparing took two months, with a lot of faffing and holidays (30th Beeday, engagement, pregnancy...)
*So* happy to have a new focus. My mind is starting to resemble a tin of old, broken biscuits - all musty and soft and crumbly.
Have lovely weekends!
x J
I definitely feel that without actually completing it with dotted i's and crossed t's there is not much more I can/need to do. There are some bits I haven't written out completely clearly but that's mainly because I am not entirely sure what I want to do with it for now. It isn't written brilliantly either. I am tired now and forgetting the very simple point - always a sign that it is time to leave it for a bit. I can always revisit it in a month or so and tinker with it (not that I will - out of sight out of mind!). The main thing is that I have spent most of today writing short, easy sentences and, mainly, editing and making sentences perfect which really isn;t the point - so I must have finished or why I am doing that?! I can't think of anything urgent to do now. I have great planning notes and brainstorms that make it really clear the ideas and point of it all for when I come back to it... I am bizarrely and unexpectedly unable to 'finish' it in the clean way I anticipated and so feel that I am sloping off early... Is like doing fieldwork and feeling that you can't leave now, you're only just getting going! But I suppose that is the point a bit, I want to come back to it and hit the ground running.
I think I will go for a walk and get some air and stretch these limbs, I haven't actually left the house since Monday!!! (Really, I haven't - not even to get milk!! Have been sleeping, working, bathing and watching tele... How life will change come January...) Then I will come back and tidy away the mass of notes I have for this chapter and start organising reading for the next, and maybe do a time-plan (that I will never keep to).
I have very little time for this next chapter! Am not even completely sure if it is really relevant for the rest of the PhD or is just me being a pain and making more work for myself?! Well, whatever I have a conference to prepare for so the reading shall be done regardless!
Chapter stats:
* Is my third chapter written, out of a possible 8.
* 4000 words down with another 2/3000 of padding and functional bits like ethics and clear explanation of methods used (when research done) to add.
* Writing took one month, with a lot of faffing
* Reading and preparing took two months, with a lot of faffing and holidays (30th Beeday, engagement, pregnancy...)
*So* happy to have a new focus. My mind is starting to resemble a tin of old, broken biscuits - all musty and soft and crumbly.
Have lovely weekends!
x J
F-f-f-f friiiidaaaayyyyyy!
I am so happy it's Friday! Today I will finish this chapter once and for all (well, for a year!) and then whoopety, it is chill-out evening with burgers and chips and tv and a lie-in and weekend off to look forward to!!
And my work is going well. I left it yesterday quite abruptly, unintentionally (don't ask), and good for me I never came back to it, because although I wanted to come back and do more 'planning' later yesterday evening I realised it was a good job I had left it because it all felt so much clearer in my head having not looked at it for a while. And this morning it is all pretty obvious and am actually cutting and pasting with a *purpose*. Oh yes. I am making nice tidy headings and am starting to get what I am on about, which is great and hopefully means a reader will get it too...
Feel really good today so far. On the ball and strangely enthusiastic. Beanie is being quiet today which I am thankful for, could barely string a sentence together yesterday though I worked hard anyway. I did get up quite late but had a great brunch and will work through now for however long it takes! Well, till 6pm as I will have finished then fo' sho'.
x J
And my work is going well. I left it yesterday quite abruptly, unintentionally (don't ask), and good for me I never came back to it, because although I wanted to come back and do more 'planning' later yesterday evening I realised it was a good job I had left it because it all felt so much clearer in my head having not looked at it for a while. And this morning it is all pretty obvious and am actually cutting and pasting with a *purpose*. Oh yes. I am making nice tidy headings and am starting to get what I am on about, which is great and hopefully means a reader will get it too...
Feel really good today so far. On the ball and strangely enthusiastic. Beanie is being quiet today which I am thankful for, could barely string a sentence together yesterday though I worked hard anyway. I did get up quite late but had a great brunch and will work through now for however long it takes! Well, till 6pm as I will have finished then fo' sho'.
x J
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Getting there...
I went to sleep and woke up in such a bad mood that I decided it was time to get to grips with this work for once and for all!
Honestly, not getting on with it just made me a right grumpy cow yesterday and this morning, so I got up quite early and left my comp far, far away and have spent the day reading and thinking. And am nearly there, just need to sort of plan it all, consolidate the info in my head, and then write it out. I will finish it tomorrow even if it means I write in note form and leave clues for my poor future self. The thought of trying to come back to this when I know it so much better now than I will then, when I could spend unnecessary revising time being with Beanie definitely makes me want to be more thorough than I would be otherwise. I want to be able to put this work to bed for the day really now, I am *sick* of it!
Beanie is making me strange today too - am averse to eating and drinking nearly everything! Even bread or water! Rubbish. Apricot jam though.... oooooooh.
DB is out playing tennis tonight. I forgot about this but am so pleased! I am rubbish company and just fancy eating chips and watching tele, splayed out on the settee ~ DB normally works on it so it's out of bounds. Not tonight, Sir!
I tell you, I cannot *wait* to never have to mention this chapter again. Onwards and upwards!!
x J
Honestly, not getting on with it just made me a right grumpy cow yesterday and this morning, so I got up quite early and left my comp far, far away and have spent the day reading and thinking. And am nearly there, just need to sort of plan it all, consolidate the info in my head, and then write it out. I will finish it tomorrow even if it means I write in note form and leave clues for my poor future self. The thought of trying to come back to this when I know it so much better now than I will then, when I could spend unnecessary revising time being with Beanie definitely makes me want to be more thorough than I would be otherwise. I want to be able to put this work to bed for the day really now, I am *sick* of it!
Beanie is making me strange today too - am averse to eating and drinking nearly everything! Even bread or water! Rubbish. Apricot jam though.... oooooooh.
DB is out playing tennis tonight. I forgot about this but am so pleased! I am rubbish company and just fancy eating chips and watching tele, splayed out on the settee ~ DB normally works on it so it's out of bounds. Not tonight, Sir!
I tell you, I cannot *wait* to never have to mention this chapter again. Onwards and upwards!!
x J
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
How is it possible...
To finish the day more confused than when you started, when you are finishing a chapter?
Arg I don't have a clue what is going on with this chapter now! I can barely remember what my point is. I am determined to carry on cutting and pasting and pretending I am making it better but think I shall overrule myself and take a bath and frown for a while, and hopefully get some perspective again. Then I shall hopefully write some notes and a little reminder for tomorrow so I can sit down and get on with it.
I hate it when this happens! It is not hard work! It is not confusing! So why is it being so hard and confusing?!!
Hmmph.
x J
Arg I don't have a clue what is going on with this chapter now! I can barely remember what my point is. I am determined to carry on cutting and pasting and pretending I am making it better but think I shall overrule myself and take a bath and frown for a while, and hopefully get some perspective again. Then I shall hopefully write some notes and a little reminder for tomorrow so I can sit down and get on with it.
I hate it when this happens! It is not hard work! It is not confusing! So why is it being so hard and confusing?!!
Hmmph.
x J
Late Again
I know, I know, it is the middle of the day and I am only just starting work!
I slept in again... Beanie has grown 2cm in one week from 4-6cm which is my excuse ;0P!!! I am now having to research recipes for my changing tastebuds as my old way of cooking and old shopping lists won't cut it any more. It is like I have to learn a whole new way of cooking and all new recipes. I will do this quickly for half an hour and then start work.
It is raining like crazy today which I love. Feel so cosy and ready to work... It *shall* be done!! I must think that I only have to concentrate for twn minutes and then I shall be involved in it all again.
Wish me luck!
x J
I slept in again... Beanie has grown 2cm in one week from 4-6cm which is my excuse ;0P!!! I am now having to research recipes for my changing tastebuds as my old way of cooking and old shopping lists won't cut it any more. It is like I have to learn a whole new way of cooking and all new recipes. I will do this quickly for half an hour and then start work.
It is raining like crazy today which I love. Feel so cosy and ready to work... It *shall* be done!! I must think that I only have to concentrate for twn minutes and then I shall be involved in it all again.
Wish me luck!
x J
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Plugging away
Well, I am but I have also been skiving on various other sites on the internet. But I have been busy and am still working!
Today I have:
* Emailed my RA, made and sent him an expenses form and time sheet.
* Bought DB the Wire series 5 and a card for Fathers Day (!! ooooooh I can't wait to see his face!)
* Found a pressie for my Bro - probably some kind of driving experience in a fast car. He will love it.
* Sorted out my expenses claim for my flight to India which I am sure will be rejected but will try anyway. This will give me some money to give Kuna when he does some work.
* Realised how I thought I was going to fund my second trip to India won't work. Eek.
* Put a deadline on sorting visas for next week.
* Got some funds together to get passport pics for cheap pool trips (over 50% off, hurray!) and visa. Will actually start exercising next week...
* Been jiggling around my theory part of the chapter. Again.
So although it isn't all 'work' it is all stuff that is finally out of my head and done so I can concentrate a bit better. I have tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday am to finish this chapter which is aaaaages, then Friday avo I will put this away and start the next one - and have a lovely weekend!! What a relief it will be to have this out of the way!!
Better go back to the work and finish the jiggling. Then it's an M and S cottage pie for dinner (this is how lazy I am these days), no veg because I have decided I hate making it (though might eat it if it was on my plate) and cookies for pud. Scrum.
x J
Today I have:
* Emailed my RA, made and sent him an expenses form and time sheet.
* Bought DB the Wire series 5 and a card for Fathers Day (!! ooooooh I can't wait to see his face!)
* Found a pressie for my Bro - probably some kind of driving experience in a fast car. He will love it.
* Sorted out my expenses claim for my flight to India which I am sure will be rejected but will try anyway. This will give me some money to give Kuna when he does some work.
* Realised how I thought I was going to fund my second trip to India won't work. Eek.
* Put a deadline on sorting visas for next week.
* Got some funds together to get passport pics for cheap pool trips (over 50% off, hurray!) and visa. Will actually start exercising next week...
* Been jiggling around my theory part of the chapter. Again.
So although it isn't all 'work' it is all stuff that is finally out of my head and done so I can concentrate a bit better. I have tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday am to finish this chapter which is aaaaages, then Friday avo I will put this away and start the next one - and have a lovely weekend!! What a relief it will be to have this out of the way!!
Better go back to the work and finish the jiggling. Then it's an M and S cottage pie for dinner (this is how lazy I am these days), no veg because I have decided I hate making it (though might eat it if it was on my plate) and cookies for pud. Scrum.
x J
Eek!
I heard from Kuna (my RA) for the first time today after I sent him the (rather long) programme and interview questions etc weeks ago!!
I was worried as I hadn't heard from him yet and I sent it a couple of weeks ago. I don't mind if he doesn't want to/can't do it at all, I would just have to cobble something else up (research shoud be called 'cobbling-up' I think. Or maybe it's just my research!!). But it turns out he has been poorly poor lad. And now we are on!! YAYA! He will do the interviews which he called focus group interviews, which goes to show how different a perspective you have in your own country as I don't see them as a focus group. I feel focus groups are more sociological. Anyway, he is ready to go - apart from needing a tape recorder. So I made up and sent him an expenses form and a time sheet... We are off! I have asked to see them every one/two weeks - I am so nervous about getting a horrendous bill! I have no money! I really hope that he lets me pay him when we get to India. Will be so much easier than wiring money to India all the time.
I am so nervous! I don't know why! The possible cost worries me though I do really trust him. What to do with the info/tape recordings worries me. What if he does all the work but I don't understand any of it?!!! Hmmm. Going to India and doing other interviews worries me. I have to set some up actually, which I quite forgot about. Must put on my to-do list and get emailing. Travelling around to do interviews worries me so I shall do them toward the end of my trip when I am settled in to Indian life again and doing research.
I need to make a plan of action in India and things I need to have done before I go. I have some email interviews to set up too. I will do this after lunch, then settle into my methodology chapter.
Nervous! The more committed to the RA thing I get the more serious it gets. Eek! I wonder if it is the control thing. I don't like having to trust him not to rip me off/do it all completely wrong.
x J
I was worried as I hadn't heard from him yet and I sent it a couple of weeks ago. I don't mind if he doesn't want to/can't do it at all, I would just have to cobble something else up (research shoud be called 'cobbling-up' I think. Or maybe it's just my research!!). But it turns out he has been poorly poor lad. And now we are on!! YAYA! He will do the interviews which he called focus group interviews, which goes to show how different a perspective you have in your own country as I don't see them as a focus group. I feel focus groups are more sociological. Anyway, he is ready to go - apart from needing a tape recorder. So I made up and sent him an expenses form and a time sheet... We are off! I have asked to see them every one/two weeks - I am so nervous about getting a horrendous bill! I have no money! I really hope that he lets me pay him when we get to India. Will be so much easier than wiring money to India all the time.
I am so nervous! I don't know why! The possible cost worries me though I do really trust him. What to do with the info/tape recordings worries me. What if he does all the work but I don't understand any of it?!!! Hmmm. Going to India and doing other interviews worries me. I have to set some up actually, which I quite forgot about. Must put on my to-do list and get emailing. Travelling around to do interviews worries me so I shall do them toward the end of my trip when I am settled in to Indian life again and doing research.
I need to make a plan of action in India and things I need to have done before I go. I have some email interviews to set up too. I will do this after lunch, then settle into my methodology chapter.
Nervous! The more committed to the RA thing I get the more serious it gets. Eek! I wonder if it is the control thing. I don't like having to trust him not to rip me off/do it all completely wrong.
x J
Back to work
Hallo
I am back now from my lovely sojourn to Cornwall. Had a great time though completely knackering and so slept today until 10.50! I couldn't believe it when I woke up! DB let me sleep in bless him.
I didn't even open my work while I was away which is actually pretty good going. It was only a weekend so didn't have any time in the end. I now have to finish the methodology chapter asap so I can start on my lovely new chapter! I will defo have it done before the end of the week, and I want to have started planning the direction and reading material for the next chapter in time for Monday.
All our friends were so excited about Bean, even the boys. I was quite the Queen! And I managed a whole day of bbq drinking action without any booze and still with good humour! I am getting the hang of this I think.
Better get on and start remembering what the chuff I am up to!
x J
I am back now from my lovely sojourn to Cornwall. Had a great time though completely knackering and so slept today until 10.50! I couldn't believe it when I woke up! DB let me sleep in bless him.
I didn't even open my work while I was away which is actually pretty good going. It was only a weekend so didn't have any time in the end. I now have to finish the methodology chapter asap so I can start on my lovely new chapter! I will defo have it done before the end of the week, and I want to have started planning the direction and reading material for the next chapter in time for Monday.
All our friends were so excited about Bean, even the boys. I was quite the Queen! And I managed a whole day of bbq drinking action without any booze and still with good humour! I am getting the hang of this I think.
Better get on and start remembering what the chuff I am up to!
x J
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Hahahahhahahahaaaaa!! I worked!
Yes, I worked! I proved myself right! I am not a giant, uncaring, skiving loser, but in fact was just bored and in a rut.
I took a day and a half off, away away away and Magic! Today I cared again, and worked and it came together and WOW I am relieved and pleased.
AND my brain threatened to die after my (fairly standard these days) luncheon of beans on toast. DB was telling me about how angry he was that some anti-facist party had thrown eggs at Nick Griffin (evil incarnate, BNP leader in the UK) and therefore given reason for lots of people to ring into the daytime tv shows he 'works' in front of (really, he does, it's a miracle but the bills are paid so am not complaining!) and say it was unfair that the BNP's democratic right to free speech was taken away. I was on the side of the egg throwers but DB was sure that they should have taken a more intellectual route. I was trying to argue something but lost it, and so did DB thinking that I just didn't care when in fact I was trying to remember anything at all, let alone form an opinion and then voice it. Articulately. Well, anyway, I came back up and wondered if that was going to be me for the day but no, I managed to soldier on! I had lots of 'juggling' work to do as well, cutting and pasting from my chapter and moving sentences all around and changing the general layout and making much more lovely-sounding academic sentences. And it worked! It is now all ready for me to come and just write out my reasons why I am using so-and-so theory and then it will be done (for now). This will take me a couple of days of bla-bla type working, which is all I am going to be doing in Cornwall. And it is 6pm and I have decided to stop, though could carry on, though is a good place to stop and not a good place to carry on, so stopping I am. Breaks are good. Don't want to peak too soon.
And I am starving.
And yes, we are off to Cornwall tomorrow. I am going too, lured by the promise of a bbq on Saturday, pasties, and a trip to the beach, and also happy to have read numerous times today that I am allowed to start looking at my big ol' belly and think of it as 'baby' rather than 'fat' as I am allowed to think I am starting to show. Wooo! So confidence restored, I am going south for a holiday. Though I will take my work with as I really am keen to come home and pack all this paper away (for over a year!) and start reading about my next chapter - and paper for September and read something interesting and (hopefully, according to my grand hypothesis which still has time to fall flat on its arse) scandalous.
Have to go and make some kind of sandwich with the luscious white bread we have in. Am dying for some apricot jam but not got any yet and am too scared of the wind outside to get any.
x J
I took a day and a half off, away away away and Magic! Today I cared again, and worked and it came together and WOW I am relieved and pleased.
AND my brain threatened to die after my (fairly standard these days) luncheon of beans on toast. DB was telling me about how angry he was that some anti-facist party had thrown eggs at Nick Griffin (evil incarnate, BNP leader in the UK) and therefore given reason for lots of people to ring into the daytime tv shows he 'works' in front of (really, he does, it's a miracle but the bills are paid so am not complaining!) and say it was unfair that the BNP's democratic right to free speech was taken away. I was on the side of the egg throwers but DB was sure that they should have taken a more intellectual route. I was trying to argue something but lost it, and so did DB thinking that I just didn't care when in fact I was trying to remember anything at all, let alone form an opinion and then voice it. Articulately. Well, anyway, I came back up and wondered if that was going to be me for the day but no, I managed to soldier on! I had lots of 'juggling' work to do as well, cutting and pasting from my chapter and moving sentences all around and changing the general layout and making much more lovely-sounding academic sentences. And it worked! It is now all ready for me to come and just write out my reasons why I am using so-and-so theory and then it will be done (for now). This will take me a couple of days of bla-bla type working, which is all I am going to be doing in Cornwall. And it is 6pm and I have decided to stop, though could carry on, though is a good place to stop and not a good place to carry on, so stopping I am. Breaks are good. Don't want to peak too soon.
And I am starving.
And yes, we are off to Cornwall tomorrow. I am going too, lured by the promise of a bbq on Saturday, pasties, and a trip to the beach, and also happy to have read numerous times today that I am allowed to start looking at my big ol' belly and think of it as 'baby' rather than 'fat' as I am allowed to think I am starting to show. Wooo! So confidence restored, I am going south for a holiday. Though I will take my work with as I really am keen to come home and pack all this paper away (for over a year!) and start reading about my next chapter - and paper for September and read something interesting and (hopefully, according to my grand hypothesis which still has time to fall flat on its arse) scandalous.
Have to go and make some kind of sandwich with the luscious white bread we have in. Am dying for some apricot jam but not got any yet and am too scared of the wind outside to get any.
x J
Lovely time off
Ahh the past two days have been lovely - no work, nowhere near my work. Ahh! Makes such a difference to being 'off' but at home, walking past the Room where it all hides and taunts...
Had a lovely time with my family and a very excitable grandma-to-be! Ate a *lot* of bad food and came back late yesterday. Slept in today because the whole shenanigans of a night away was exhausting - and because I am inherently lazy.
Today I am going to get lots of this theory written down. Should not be more than 1000 words. Will write out the bones of the theories I know best and then work on the one that I need to go through my notes about - I have been trying to do it the other way which, this morning, I realised was insane. Just get it DOWN!! I realised yesterday that I have this paper due in on the 15 Sept, which gives me a month to get the first draft researched and written after India. One month! I haven't evens tarted researching this part of my PhD yet, what if it is nonsense?! So I have, have, have to get this chapter done and dusted over the next week, then leave it and start on the next chaper, which is also the paper. I have 5 weeks today until we go to India so that will give me two months of researching and writing, which if managed properly should be enough. Eek!
We are 11 weeks pregnant today! Whoopee! Beanie is 2 inches and 8 grams - enormous! Am starting to feel the fear now - this seems rather bigger than 'bean' size - I am not sure how to cope with the fact that it will get much, much bigger. Help!
x J
Had a lovely time with my family and a very excitable grandma-to-be! Ate a *lot* of bad food and came back late yesterday. Slept in today because the whole shenanigans of a night away was exhausting - and because I am inherently lazy.
Today I am going to get lots of this theory written down. Should not be more than 1000 words. Will write out the bones of the theories I know best and then work on the one that I need to go through my notes about - I have been trying to do it the other way which, this morning, I realised was insane. Just get it DOWN!! I realised yesterday that I have this paper due in on the 15 Sept, which gives me a month to get the first draft researched and written after India. One month! I haven't evens tarted researching this part of my PhD yet, what if it is nonsense?! So I have, have, have to get this chapter done and dusted over the next week, then leave it and start on the next chaper, which is also the paper. I have 5 weeks today until we go to India so that will give me two months of researching and writing, which if managed properly should be enough. Eek!
We are 11 weeks pregnant today! Whoopee! Beanie is 2 inches and 8 grams - enormous! Am starting to feel the fear now - this seems rather bigger than 'bean' size - I am not sure how to cope with the fact that it will get much, much bigger. Help!
x J
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Excited!
Oooh I am quite excitable as am off to see my family laters and go out for some lovely dins!
Also realised this is the first time I have been away from home for aaaaaaages so am looking forward to a night away from the humdrum. And some nice food. Not that I am going without, have had a delicious bacon and egg bap from the bakery this morning already!! I will exercise asap, promise.
Thought I would do some work today but I haven't and won't. I will do lots of Thursday, all refreshed.
Am much more awake today and my brain feels like it is working, rather than being in some kind of narcotic stupour like yesterday. I have booked all our different train journeys to get to london and the airport for our trip to India so that is another chore done. Have also started looking at accomodation and visas again. All good - but time consuming!
Not heard from Kuna (the RA) yet after sending him the info on the interviews etc a week ago. I take it that no news is good news...
x J
Also realised this is the first time I have been away from home for aaaaaaages so am looking forward to a night away from the humdrum. And some nice food. Not that I am going without, have had a delicious bacon and egg bap from the bakery this morning already!! I will exercise asap, promise.
Thought I would do some work today but I haven't and won't. I will do lots of Thursday, all refreshed.
Am much more awake today and my brain feels like it is working, rather than being in some kind of narcotic stupour like yesterday. I have booked all our different train journeys to get to london and the airport for our trip to India so that is another chore done. Have also started looking at accomodation and visas again. All good - but time consuming!
Not heard from Kuna (the RA) yet after sending him the info on the interviews etc a week ago. I take it that no news is good news...
x J
Monday, 8 June 2009
Losing patience with myself
Well, it is the end of another school day...
Thank God. I cannot believe how awful I am being! I just won't concentrate and even though I am bored I won't stop just staring at internet sites and out of windows and into mugs of tea.
I dunno why I am being like this. I can't work it out. Probably because I can't keep hold of a thought for long enough to interrogate it. And I am not placing the blame for my procrastination on Bean because I also know I could probably read a book or watch tele just fine. I just won't work. I am so near the end of this chapter! Why oh why! I wonder if it is because I am waiting for tomorrow to be over (seeing my family for first time since up the duff, exciting!) and then will work before going to cornwall... still doing this when I come back from cornwall is not appealing. I just don't feel any urgency or real worry. Even my anger toward myself is part of an ambivalent attitude where the other half of me is shrugging and just glad another day is over.
I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I just wait it out and trust that when it really is getting ridiculous (deadline extending that is) I will rein myself in and get this done in a day long blitz... but what if I don't? What if I am still trying to do this sentence/paragraph/page in December?!
Q: is this likely?
A: Not at all. Is downright impossible actually for I do have other deadlines do meet that include finishing at least one more chapter before then for turning into a paper.
So there we go. Between now and December I need to have:
* Finished this chapter (June - 2 days of) CHAPTER DOWN
* Gone to India and completed fieldwork (July/Aug)
* Analysed said fieldwork (Aug)
* Written up said fieldwork as the 'Local Voice' component of research (Aug/Sept) CHAPTER DOWN
* Researched (from scratch) and written paper and chapter on climate change stuff (June and July/Sept/Oct) CHAPTER DOWN
* Written discussion chapter (Nov/Dec) CHAPTER DOWN
So, with this lovely outline, I can definitely complete four more chapters (including current one almost finished) in their first, rough forms by December. Which means by then I shall have all the hard 'thinking' chapters down, and only the intro, lit review and conclusion chapters to write from scratch which will not be hard, just tedious. (This shows that I think I am writing 9 chapters - to many but what the heck, all the info can be jiggled round post-baby.)
This is probably why I am being 'chilled' at the mo, and not fretting too much about finishing the chaper *right* now (though really I should). I am terrible for waiting to get things done *right* before the deadline. Even though I know getting it done early would be great and really positive and know that I would be more relaxed and stuff if it was done, I always work the other way round. If I don't think I have to do it now, I won't. I will *try* - that is what is so stupid about it, I won't even take the time off to go away or do other things, oh no, I will try and fail to work each day, until the deadline becomes actually tangible and I get a move on. So, as per, I will come back tomorrow and try and work and not work and whine about it and do this every day until I actually wake up and realise that today, I must work. Then I will work, and work hard. Arg, I am so predictable and stupid!!
So, until tomorrow folks! Am now off to stare at some different walls and into treacle sponge and custard instead of tea.
x J
Thank God. I cannot believe how awful I am being! I just won't concentrate and even though I am bored I won't stop just staring at internet sites and out of windows and into mugs of tea.
I dunno why I am being like this. I can't work it out. Probably because I can't keep hold of a thought for long enough to interrogate it. And I am not placing the blame for my procrastination on Bean because I also know I could probably read a book or watch tele just fine. I just won't work. I am so near the end of this chapter! Why oh why! I wonder if it is because I am waiting for tomorrow to be over (seeing my family for first time since up the duff, exciting!) and then will work before going to cornwall... still doing this when I come back from cornwall is not appealing. I just don't feel any urgency or real worry. Even my anger toward myself is part of an ambivalent attitude where the other half of me is shrugging and just glad another day is over.
I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I just wait it out and trust that when it really is getting ridiculous (deadline extending that is) I will rein myself in and get this done in a day long blitz... but what if I don't? What if I am still trying to do this sentence/paragraph/page in December?!
Q: is this likely?
A: Not at all. Is downright impossible actually for I do have other deadlines do meet that include finishing at least one more chapter before then for turning into a paper.
So there we go. Between now and December I need to have:
* Finished this chapter (June - 2 days of) CHAPTER DOWN
* Gone to India and completed fieldwork (July/Aug)
* Analysed said fieldwork (Aug)
* Written up said fieldwork as the 'Local Voice' component of research (Aug/Sept) CHAPTER DOWN
* Researched (from scratch) and written paper and chapter on climate change stuff (June and July/Sept/Oct) CHAPTER DOWN
* Written discussion chapter (Nov/Dec) CHAPTER DOWN
So, with this lovely outline, I can definitely complete four more chapters (including current one almost finished) in their first, rough forms by December. Which means by then I shall have all the hard 'thinking' chapters down, and only the intro, lit review and conclusion chapters to write from scratch which will not be hard, just tedious. (This shows that I think I am writing 9 chapters - to many but what the heck, all the info can be jiggled round post-baby.)
This is probably why I am being 'chilled' at the mo, and not fretting too much about finishing the chaper *right* now (though really I should). I am terrible for waiting to get things done *right* before the deadline. Even though I know getting it done early would be great and really positive and know that I would be more relaxed and stuff if it was done, I always work the other way round. If I don't think I have to do it now, I won't. I will *try* - that is what is so stupid about it, I won't even take the time off to go away or do other things, oh no, I will try and fail to work each day, until the deadline becomes actually tangible and I get a move on. So, as per, I will come back tomorrow and try and work and not work and whine about it and do this every day until I actually wake up and realise that today, I must work. Then I will work, and work hard. Arg, I am so predictable and stupid!!
So, until tomorrow folks! Am now off to stare at some different walls and into treacle sponge and custard instead of tea.
x J
Where did the Weekend Go?! :0(
I have been robbed! Yesterday it was Friday and I woke up this morning for a lovely Saturday snooze and... It is MONDAY.
Ug.
I did have a lovely weekend but it went so fast and was so blurred - like the good ol' drinking days really. Saturday I cleaned the house as if the Queen (aka my Mum) was coming to stay - cleaned *everything* - and really enjoyed it. It was a joy! I am weird I know. And then I vegged and read the paper and had the whole house to myself for hours, with the company of old Come Dine With Me and goods from the bakery. Ahhh it was marvellous. I could sit and daydream to my hearts content. Sunday we went out to 'Tropical World' which was very hot, and had hot chocolate and cake outside in the wind, which was rather cold. Ahhhh, Britain. And we had a chuckle and then came home and ate pizza and chips and watched the Apprentice final which was brilliant though how Yasmina won I don't know, Kate was obviously perfect. But, as my knowing other half said - maybe too perfect. Hmmm. Am completely besotted with Nick and Margaret and really want them as sardonic housepets. Nick can look all cross in the corner and Margaret can do her PhD (really fantastically niche PhD so it is too - she really would get asked 'so... um... what will you do with that then?' Constantly if she wasn't, er, rather old) with me in my room till Bean comes along. Then she can be scary in-house Grandma and teach Bean to be wise.
Then fell asleep watching BB so don't know what didn't happen then. It is boring, it is rubbish, why do I watch it? Because I am a sucker.
And then late last night I realised that today was Monday and I had made no mental plan for today! The kitchen was a mess, like today was a Sunday or bank holiday. Normally everything is in place ready for the coming working week. Not yesterday, oh no. Maybe my jaunt to se my family and show off my non-existent pregnancy tomorrow is putting me off taking today very seriously. Which it should *not*! Oh no! It should galvanise me if nothing else! Why would I want to come back to this?! No more of this stupid, tedious, rubbish crap.
So, I shall work. It will be hard. I am not willing to go back into the quagmire of theory - I want to run away and say it is done for now - leave it for another day. But I would rather spend that particular day in the future being able to look after Bean should they need attention, not being torn between translating old notes and thoughts and Beanie. Therein lies the motivation.
Am starting to feel I made up my pregnancy again. Eek!
x J
Ug.
I did have a lovely weekend but it went so fast and was so blurred - like the good ol' drinking days really. Saturday I cleaned the house as if the Queen (aka my Mum) was coming to stay - cleaned *everything* - and really enjoyed it. It was a joy! I am weird I know. And then I vegged and read the paper and had the whole house to myself for hours, with the company of old Come Dine With Me and goods from the bakery. Ahhh it was marvellous. I could sit and daydream to my hearts content. Sunday we went out to 'Tropical World' which was very hot, and had hot chocolate and cake outside in the wind, which was rather cold. Ahhhh, Britain. And we had a chuckle and then came home and ate pizza and chips and watched the Apprentice final which was brilliant though how Yasmina won I don't know, Kate was obviously perfect. But, as my knowing other half said - maybe too perfect. Hmmm. Am completely besotted with Nick and Margaret and really want them as sardonic housepets. Nick can look all cross in the corner and Margaret can do her PhD (really fantastically niche PhD so it is too - she really would get asked 'so... um... what will you do with that then?' Constantly if she wasn't, er, rather old) with me in my room till Bean comes along. Then she can be scary in-house Grandma and teach Bean to be wise.
Then fell asleep watching BB so don't know what didn't happen then. It is boring, it is rubbish, why do I watch it? Because I am a sucker.
And then late last night I realised that today was Monday and I had made no mental plan for today! The kitchen was a mess, like today was a Sunday or bank holiday. Normally everything is in place ready for the coming working week. Not yesterday, oh no. Maybe my jaunt to se my family and show off my non-existent pregnancy tomorrow is putting me off taking today very seriously. Which it should *not*! Oh no! It should galvanise me if nothing else! Why would I want to come back to this?! No more of this stupid, tedious, rubbish crap.
So, I shall work. It will be hard. I am not willing to go back into the quagmire of theory - I want to run away and say it is done for now - leave it for another day. But I would rather spend that particular day in the future being able to look after Bean should they need attention, not being torn between translating old notes and thoughts and Beanie. Therein lies the motivation.
Am starting to feel I made up my pregnancy again. Eek!
x J
Friday, 5 June 2009
Happy Weekend!
Well I did nothing much again today. Typed up my meeting notes into my chapter and daydreamed...
I dunno. Am just not able to concentrate on it. Am going to go and have a ponder elsewhere about why this may be, and make a plan. I really want to get this finished, I am soooo close to being able to put this chapter to bed - why won't I concentrate?! Grrrr.
Am mostly planning to take this weekend off, seeing as I have no pressing engagements with work. However, I may work for a bit if I am bored/motivated. Mostly I am looking forward to a full day off tomorrow - and cleaning my mucky house - and just lounging around, letting my mind roam free. Forgive the strange analogy, but it is like a caged puppy at the mo, all springy and excitable but keeps having to be kept in the walls of work-thinking. Which is just no good. Maybe if I let it roam free for the weekend concentrating on Monday will be a-ok?
Sunday I think DB and I are Going Out, maybe to eat or to a zoo or something, or to play some pitch and putt. Something silly and fun.
Ahhh. Love weekends off.
x J
I dunno. Am just not able to concentrate on it. Am going to go and have a ponder elsewhere about why this may be, and make a plan. I really want to get this finished, I am soooo close to being able to put this chapter to bed - why won't I concentrate?! Grrrr.
Am mostly planning to take this weekend off, seeing as I have no pressing engagements with work. However, I may work for a bit if I am bored/motivated. Mostly I am looking forward to a full day off tomorrow - and cleaning my mucky house - and just lounging around, letting my mind roam free. Forgive the strange analogy, but it is like a caged puppy at the mo, all springy and excitable but keeps having to be kept in the walls of work-thinking. Which is just no good. Maybe if I let it roam free for the weekend concentrating on Monday will be a-ok?
Sunday I think DB and I are Going Out, maybe to eat or to a zoo or something, or to play some pitch and putt. Something silly and fun.
Ahhh. Love weekends off.
x J
OMG!!
Oh my word - just booked our flights to go to India! We are actually going!
Apart from the work, I am looking forward to it! Think I have itchy-adventure-feet again. When we came back from India in Feb I really never wanted to leave the British Isles again. Ever. Fed up of Abroad. Now though I am all excited about having a bump and a bikini and floating along in the pool by the sea under the sun... I know I am doing research but because of my tender state there is no pretense of being 'down with the locals' - I will be in a clean hotel with air con and won't eat local food, it just has to be that way. I cannot be like I was before, in hostels with cockroaches and no air con and determined to eat local food even though I was so ill I lost a stone in 3 months - and was pretty slim before I went! Can't risk it. I won't be in the pool every day! Just a couple of times for a treat. Something to take the edge off the heat and the mossies, the long flights and the general worry about keeping myself healthy for Bean. And, of course, some parts of the work - I cannot pretend I am a fan of 'doing research' in India, too many power connotations. Ug.
But yes, the 'frills' are most exciting!
x J
Apart from the work, I am looking forward to it! Think I have itchy-adventure-feet again. When we came back from India in Feb I really never wanted to leave the British Isles again. Ever. Fed up of Abroad. Now though I am all excited about having a bump and a bikini and floating along in the pool by the sea under the sun... I know I am doing research but because of my tender state there is no pretense of being 'down with the locals' - I will be in a clean hotel with air con and won't eat local food, it just has to be that way. I cannot be like I was before, in hostels with cockroaches and no air con and determined to eat local food even though I was so ill I lost a stone in 3 months - and was pretty slim before I went! Can't risk it. I won't be in the pool every day! Just a couple of times for a treat. Something to take the edge off the heat and the mossies, the long flights and the general worry about keeping myself healthy for Bean. And, of course, some parts of the work - I cannot pretend I am a fan of 'doing research' in India, too many power connotations. Ug.
But yes, the 'frills' are most exciting!
x J
New dawn, new day
I am going to work today. I know it is 11am and I have yet to really start but, you know, it is Friday.
Yep, am going to jiggle round my current theory section, then read the notes and make more notes, then write them up.
Go, go, go!
x J
Ps. watched Big Brother last night and fear I will watch it tonight as well. It is a slippery slope from here...
Yep, am going to jiggle round my current theory section, then read the notes and make more notes, then write them up.
Go, go, go!
x J
Ps. watched Big Brother last night and fear I will watch it tonight as well. It is a slippery slope from here...
Thursday, 4 June 2009
hmmmm...
Well, I feel a little sheepish but I have to say I did no real work today.
I did:
* Read a paragraph or two of my notes from the meeting with Sup
* Gather together my theory papers on my desk
* Opened my methodology chapter and think about deleting my research questions in order to begin formulating the advised single research question...
I also
* Found excellent flights to India on my preferred dates at great commuting times to and from London, with minimum stopover fuss and with Emirates, and with a bit of scouting around the interweb found them cheaper on a travel agent site - yay!. These seats are now held for me and I shall buy them tomorrow! This is very exciting.
* Read a lot about what is happening now I am 10 weeks pregnant. Little bean is 3cm, is living off me via the placenta properly now and is even growing lickle fingernails and hair. Bless.
* Read a lot of facebook.
* Checked emails a lot.
* Read the Guardian website a lot.
* Ate a lot.
* Went for a lovely 45 min walk by the canal.
*Realised my nose is quite stuffy today.
I did not
* achieve much.
Tomorrow my friends! Tomorrow - a new day, full of promise. For now though, I must check my bath.
Ta-ta!
x J
I did:
* Read a paragraph or two of my notes from the meeting with Sup
* Gather together my theory papers on my desk
* Opened my methodology chapter and think about deleting my research questions in order to begin formulating the advised single research question...
I also
* Found excellent flights to India on my preferred dates at great commuting times to and from London, with minimum stopover fuss and with Emirates, and with a bit of scouting around the interweb found them cheaper on a travel agent site - yay!. These seats are now held for me and I shall buy them tomorrow! This is very exciting.
* Read a lot about what is happening now I am 10 weeks pregnant. Little bean is 3cm, is living off me via the placenta properly now and is even growing lickle fingernails and hair. Bless.
* Read a lot of facebook.
* Checked emails a lot.
* Read the Guardian website a lot.
* Ate a lot.
* Went for a lovely 45 min walk by the canal.
*Realised my nose is quite stuffy today.
I did not
* achieve much.
Tomorrow my friends! Tomorrow - a new day, full of promise. For now though, I must check my bath.
Ta-ta!
x J
Hours wasted
Arf I am most annoyed.
I spent *hours* yesterday looking up flights for us to go to India, found some great ones and then asked my friend-the-travel-agent to hold them for us and she said that Air India are quite awful to fly with. I googled air india and indeed there is a wealth of negative reviews - mostly about how the toilets don't work/stink and the plane is falling apart! Eek! So, back to the draing board and sadly am going to have to up my budget by another £100. Grrrr. But really, toilets and a nice clean plane are very important in everyday life, let alone pregnant super-sensitive-about-everything life!! Am pretty jittery on planes anyway let alone if it looks like it is going to fall apart!! And broken loos! *Nightmare*
I have never heard of a bad international airline before. I thought they were all very good! So naive.
So I will look for more flights today and then, finally, get on with this theory part of the chapter that I am dreading. Just want to get on with it and 'break the seal' so to speak - once I get going I know it won't be as bad as I think. I need to get these flights sorted though. Is just annoying me.
x J
I spent *hours* yesterday looking up flights for us to go to India, found some great ones and then asked my friend-the-travel-agent to hold them for us and she said that Air India are quite awful to fly with. I googled air india and indeed there is a wealth of negative reviews - mostly about how the toilets don't work/stink and the plane is falling apart! Eek! So, back to the draing board and sadly am going to have to up my budget by another £100. Grrrr. But really, toilets and a nice clean plane are very important in everyday life, let alone pregnant super-sensitive-about-everything life!! Am pretty jittery on planes anyway let alone if it looks like it is going to fall apart!! And broken loos! *Nightmare*
I have never heard of a bad international airline before. I thought they were all very good! So naive.
So I will look for more flights today and then, finally, get on with this theory part of the chapter that I am dreading. Just want to get on with it and 'break the seal' so to speak - once I get going I know it won't be as bad as I think. I need to get these flights sorted though. Is just annoying me.
x J
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
bit pants
Hmm am being a bit pants and not doing any work.
I finally did the review for the journal paper, and have found us some flights to India on the 15 July, coming back on the 5 Aug. Are a bit more than I wanted to pay but still a bargain, and gives us about 6 weeks to sort ourselves out to go! Can't wait until they are booked. I am looking forward to going but dreading with work side of things (! I know! Am a rubbish researcher, hence not going into academia after all this) though not all of it - am still loking forward to the chatting and stuff, just not the bit where I travel on local transport to villages and walk around like a big ol' whitey researcher tw*t. I really hate it and don't know what to say. And hate that that I can't talk Tamil! Anyway, the rest will be cool. I shall make it up as I go... Is great to be going though because then India is not hanging over my head, it is real, and I can go and the COME BACK! And be able to just enjoy the second half of my pregnancy and get on with the work. So there we go, plus points to putting my pregnant self in a 35 degree, mossie-and-bacteria-infested (but beautfiful and lovely!) part of the world.
My Uni friend just found I am preggers and is making the PhD sound really scary and like I am briliant for being able to do my work for Dec (not likely but am trying!) and have a baby and stuff. This kind of convo really freaks me out because on the whole I am pretty chilled out about it all. Is just a piece of work?! Just get on with it! But is not, you know, life and death. It doesn't a genius so much as a love of your topic and a lot of commitment, I don't think. Hmm, maybe I don't take it seriously enough? Do I enjoy it too much? I do take a lot of time off. And I am quite the joker. But still my Sup is always pleased with me and he is hard to please! ANd I always get my work done on time! Hmmm. This, my friends, is why I don't hang out with PhD peeps. They make me stressed and start questioning myself!
Think I will just skive for the rest of the day. Finding it hard to get into work because still in celebration mode from yesterday! Tomorrow I shall blitz the reading for the theory section, and plan it for writing on Friday.
x J
I finally did the review for the journal paper, and have found us some flights to India on the 15 July, coming back on the 5 Aug. Are a bit more than I wanted to pay but still a bargain, and gives us about 6 weeks to sort ourselves out to go! Can't wait until they are booked. I am looking forward to going but dreading with work side of things (! I know! Am a rubbish researcher, hence not going into academia after all this) though not all of it - am still loking forward to the chatting and stuff, just not the bit where I travel on local transport to villages and walk around like a big ol' whitey researcher tw*t. I really hate it and don't know what to say. And hate that that I can't talk Tamil! Anyway, the rest will be cool. I shall make it up as I go... Is great to be going though because then India is not hanging over my head, it is real, and I can go and the COME BACK! And be able to just enjoy the second half of my pregnancy and get on with the work. So there we go, plus points to putting my pregnant self in a 35 degree, mossie-and-bacteria-infested (but beautfiful and lovely!) part of the world.
My Uni friend just found I am preggers and is making the PhD sound really scary and like I am briliant for being able to do my work for Dec (not likely but am trying!) and have a baby and stuff. This kind of convo really freaks me out because on the whole I am pretty chilled out about it all. Is just a piece of work?! Just get on with it! But is not, you know, life and death. It doesn't a genius so much as a love of your topic and a lot of commitment, I don't think. Hmm, maybe I don't take it seriously enough? Do I enjoy it too much? I do take a lot of time off. And I am quite the joker. But still my Sup is always pleased with me and he is hard to please! ANd I always get my work done on time! Hmmm. This, my friends, is why I don't hang out with PhD peeps. They make me stressed and start questioning myself!
Think I will just skive for the rest of the day. Finding it hard to get into work because still in celebration mode from yesterday! Tomorrow I shall blitz the reading for the theory section, and plan it for writing on Friday.
x J
Zzzzzzz!
I am so tired today! I think I used my weeks worth of energy yesterday...
We went to the pub and I had lots of alcohol free Becks which was lurvely! Sometimes only the taste of beer will do... And I have discovered that there is such a thing as alcohol free wine and cider! Hurray! DB got quite drunk and we came home and, much against my better judgement, we ordered a chinese which kept us awake all night from the manky MSG and gave me tummy ache from being spicy (I know, spicy chinese?!). We shan't be going there again I tell you!
Today I am busy reviewing a journal article that was surprisingly sent my way, but is a v reputable journal so am more pleased than not. Because it is a good journal the articles are always really well written too which is great - nice and easy to review! Am also looking for flights for India in the middle of July and have sent my RA the programme and questions for him to look at and see if he can do it... we shall see. I was very honest with my Sup yesterday about a) not having a plan b; and b) that although Kuna is very competent and all great, I am not convinced it will work out. So we shall see what we can get but not to expect 20 interviews with great transcripts and loads of respondents etc. Eek, it is nervewracking but anything is better than nothing eh?!
Will trudge on with the review and flight checking, then start on the theory part of my chapter which I am to have finished by the weekend... Don't think DB and I are going to cornwall this weekend now, as it is going to rain and a huge point of it was a BBQ with all our friends to celebrate various engagements and the arrival of Bean! So shall go next weekend instead methinks. I am going too now, definitely - am too pregnant not to go to the ends of the earth for a bbq. All that meat and white bread! And it would be cooked FOR me!! Oooooooh. More generally though, it will be nice to get away and have a break between this chapter and the next... and a pasty. And the beach... arg fish and chips...
x J
We went to the pub and I had lots of alcohol free Becks which was lurvely! Sometimes only the taste of beer will do... And I have discovered that there is such a thing as alcohol free wine and cider! Hurray! DB got quite drunk and we came home and, much against my better judgement, we ordered a chinese which kept us awake all night from the manky MSG and gave me tummy ache from being spicy (I know, spicy chinese?!). We shan't be going there again I tell you!
Today I am busy reviewing a journal article that was surprisingly sent my way, but is a v reputable journal so am more pleased than not. Because it is a good journal the articles are always really well written too which is great - nice and easy to review! Am also looking for flights for India in the middle of July and have sent my RA the programme and questions for him to look at and see if he can do it... we shall see. I was very honest with my Sup yesterday about a) not having a plan b; and b) that although Kuna is very competent and all great, I am not convinced it will work out. So we shall see what we can get but not to expect 20 interviews with great transcripts and loads of respondents etc. Eek, it is nervewracking but anything is better than nothing eh?!
Will trudge on with the review and flight checking, then start on the theory part of my chapter which I am to have finished by the weekend... Don't think DB and I are going to cornwall this weekend now, as it is going to rain and a huge point of it was a BBQ with all our friends to celebrate various engagements and the arrival of Bean! So shall go next weekend instead methinks. I am going too now, definitely - am too pregnant not to go to the ends of the earth for a bbq. All that meat and white bread! And it would be cooked FOR me!! Oooooooh. More generally though, it will be nice to get away and have a break between this chapter and the next... and a pasty. And the beach... arg fish and chips...
x J
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Hooooraaaaah!
My meet with Sup was excellent!
He had no criticisms, said that my interview questions were really good (!! phew!) and we just ironed things out and made my rather slack english and turns of phrase more 'academic' and talked about my RA and what he can/can't do and about all sorts and all is well! I have to write up the theory part rather well, but then it is DONE! Until I come back from baba that is... He said it is all done as far as he can see, I just need to write out the ethics and the methods but that can wait as you don't need a brain to do that, I have done all the hard work anyway.
Hurray! And I bumped into my associate supervisor in the corridor who I have also known since I was about 25 and a wee MA virgin and he gave me a big hug!! Ahhh! Like lovely uncles them two.
Am off to the pub for the afternoon! Just like the old times, except this time there is anbother little us in the making with us for the ride. Bless.
Am so pleased! you can be pregnant and do a PhD after all.
x J
He had no criticisms, said that my interview questions were really good (!! phew!) and we just ironed things out and made my rather slack english and turns of phrase more 'academic' and talked about my RA and what he can/can't do and about all sorts and all is well! I have to write up the theory part rather well, but then it is DONE! Until I come back from baba that is... He said it is all done as far as he can see, I just need to write out the ethics and the methods but that can wait as you don't need a brain to do that, I have done all the hard work anyway.
Hurray! And I bumped into my associate supervisor in the corridor who I have also known since I was about 25 and a wee MA virgin and he gave me a big hug!! Ahhh! Like lovely uncles them two.
Am off to the pub for the afternoon! Just like the old times, except this time there is anbother little us in the making with us for the ride. Bless.
Am so pleased! you can be pregnant and do a PhD after all.
x J
More sun?!
Another sunny day! Wooty, it's like being on holiday!
I am in uni today, shall leave in about half an hour. Am going to the library and to see my sup, and maybe get a haircut. I am really tired today as I slept dreadfully, and if I am tired Beanie's presence is super-strong - sick, tired, sore, argumentative, teary... so the hearty town centre may not be the best place! Or maybe I shall revel in the freedom! It was payday yesterday so I am off to get some more comfortable clothes. Yay!
I hope my Sup isn't too harsh about my interview plans... I am so naive with it all and am so sure that it is all really useless! Oh well, I shall have to try and be a grown up and not cry if he tells me it is rubbish!
x J
I am in uni today, shall leave in about half an hour. Am going to the library and to see my sup, and maybe get a haircut. I am really tired today as I slept dreadfully, and if I am tired Beanie's presence is super-strong - sick, tired, sore, argumentative, teary... so the hearty town centre may not be the best place! Or maybe I shall revel in the freedom! It was payday yesterday so I am off to get some more comfortable clothes. Yay!
I hope my Sup isn't too harsh about my interview plans... I am so naive with it all and am so sure that it is all really useless! Oh well, I shall have to try and be a grown up and not cry if he tells me it is rubbish!
x J
Monday, 1 June 2009
What a day!
I have been such a busy bunny this afternoon!
I got an email from my RA saying he was keen and I asked him about the interviews and he just said to me to send him a programme and questions so he can get on with it! Well, I had no such thing! I wasn't planning on spending hours working out pie in the sky!
So I spent this avo working madly working out all the q's and ins and outs that Kuna will need to know to do the research; how long he has, how he will be paid, how many respondents he needs, ethics etc etc. And it is now all done! I feel so healthy and 'light', like I have finally expunged myself of all this horrible methodology bile. Half of the chapter is written, and the actual interviews have all been sorted out! YAY! All the ins and outs have been eked out and written down in a whirlwind of intense concentration. Not sent them to Kuna but sent to my Sup instead so we can talk about how naive and horrible my q's are tomorrow... then I can fix them and send them on and hopefully, start to get some answers!!! YAY!
Ony problem is, it is going to cost me about £200 to use Kuna. I really don't have that much money. Guess the summer dress I want to float around in with my Bean will have to wait :0( Am pretty anxious about all the payment and when to pay him and HOW. How to pay someone in another country eh? Maybe I can go to my bank or sommat. Is all a learning curve I suppose.
So yes. Busy. Am now knackered and feel quite sick. Going to go and eat something and collapse! Work done for today!
x J
I got an email from my RA saying he was keen and I asked him about the interviews and he just said to me to send him a programme and questions so he can get on with it! Well, I had no such thing! I wasn't planning on spending hours working out pie in the sky!
So I spent this avo working madly working out all the q's and ins and outs that Kuna will need to know to do the research; how long he has, how he will be paid, how many respondents he needs, ethics etc etc. And it is now all done! I feel so healthy and 'light', like I have finally expunged myself of all this horrible methodology bile. Half of the chapter is written, and the actual interviews have all been sorted out! YAY! All the ins and outs have been eked out and written down in a whirlwind of intense concentration. Not sent them to Kuna but sent to my Sup instead so we can talk about how naive and horrible my q's are tomorrow... then I can fix them and send them on and hopefully, start to get some answers!!! YAY!
Ony problem is, it is going to cost me about £200 to use Kuna. I really don't have that much money. Guess the summer dress I want to float around in with my Bean will have to wait :0( Am pretty anxious about all the payment and when to pay him and HOW. How to pay someone in another country eh? Maybe I can go to my bank or sommat. Is all a learning curve I suppose.
So yes. Busy. Am now knackered and feel quite sick. Going to go and eat something and collapse! Work done for today!
x J
Upset Grandmas
Ah we made Paternal Grandma cry :0( because we are going to India with Bean...
Ahhhh. This is very sad. She is a worrier to the extent that she doesn't have a microwave and never keeps a plug switched on when not in use... and pulls out plugs when she is out of the house in case of an electrical fire... DB is picking up some of this (am noticing the plugs off when we come back from holiday etc. Quite freaky) and I wonder how much we are going to quarrel over leaving Bean to eat the worms - I am all for mucky kids, but sense she may be more of the 'AHHHHH!!! Where's her head guard?!' brigade. Eek!
Anyway, she has a valid point but actually I am really looking forward to a holiday and time in India now!!! It will be hard, being preggers and hot and all, but will also be lovely! Just the work getting in the way...
Speaking of which I heard from my RA today! YYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!! wipe the brow... He told me about how the aid in India was given to Indian NGOs who then only spent it in their little area, and some areas got none so have no reconstruction. Which is a weird spin on what I thought was going on and has given me food for thought. I have to try not to get too bogged down in finding out *everything* which is hard. I can't produce a report on everything and everyone who was affected by the tsunami so have to keep focussed. It is all interesting though I do get a bit carried away. Anyway, I asked him if he can do some group inteviews for me and offered him some moneeee. I wonder if the remuneration is enough, is such tricky ground! I offered RP120 an hour, which is about £1.50. Quite some riches in Indian terms - is what a new IT graduate gets. But not in UK terms which he will know and may cause consternation. We shall see! Anyway, we are getting somewhere, albeit very, very slowly.
Also my Sup is pleased that I sent him my 4000 wd chapter 'overview' so goodo. I slept in this morning actually cause I worked on the weekend and am not too stressed about doing a gazillion things for tomorrow. Am going to go out and read my theory notes in the sun soon, then shall come in and write them up... I reckon I should have the work done by Sunday at the latest. I do have 4000 words already so... I shall see how the meet goes with Sup tomorrow. I worry that the chapter may be very superficial. I don't know if this is true, or whether I am so familiar with it that it seems simple now - just a case of filling in the gaps. And how 'hard' is a methodology chapter anyway? Is all very descriptive, not very 'intellectually' demanding really... Ho hum, we shall see after seeing Sup tomorrow. Am really looking forward to our meet actually, will be very productive and means a lot will be sown up. If the chapter is shite this is will be good to know so I can make it better, if it is good this will be fine, and I look forward to hearing his ideas and chatting to him about the RA idea and the group interviews - and what on earth plan B can be if Kuna can't do the interviews. They would be very time consuming, and maybe we would be talking to the wrong people? Or asking the wrong questions... Also coordinating it from here is really difficult because he doesn't really speak very good english and we get our wires crossed so easily! Nightmare. I am definitely looking to go out now though and not looking to find a Plan B that means I can stay at home... I want to go and I want to talk to people aroundabout about the Tsunami and their experiences and just get some goddarned info at last!!! All being well tomorrow we can come home and book our flights! Am actually really looking forward to it - what an adventure!
I am in such a good mood today! So happy.
Am not going to go to Cornwall with DB this weekend now. I realised that we haven't had any time apart for a while, and it would be good for us to miss each other for a while and maybe I can squeeze a dinner out of DB on his return... !! And I get really carsick now, just that horrible low level nausea, which over a 7 hour drive will be nasty. And I can't bear to drive. And we will argue in the car - we do normally anyway even when I am trying to be non argumentative. With these hormones it would be like a red rag to a pre-menstrual (or pregnant?!) bull. Or cow, rather? Hmmmm, am all gender confused. And it would be good for him to go and let his hair down - I am being quite the rule-making taskmaster these days, I notice it in myself. So am sending him packing to go and get some pregnancy relief. I will be bored, no doubt, but some time with me and Bean will also be nice.
I have to put some washing on! And think about Research Plan B.
x J
Ahhhh. This is very sad. She is a worrier to the extent that she doesn't have a microwave and never keeps a plug switched on when not in use... and pulls out plugs when she is out of the house in case of an electrical fire... DB is picking up some of this (am noticing the plugs off when we come back from holiday etc. Quite freaky) and I wonder how much we are going to quarrel over leaving Bean to eat the worms - I am all for mucky kids, but sense she may be more of the 'AHHHHH!!! Where's her head guard?!' brigade. Eek!
Anyway, she has a valid point but actually I am really looking forward to a holiday and time in India now!!! It will be hard, being preggers and hot and all, but will also be lovely! Just the work getting in the way...
Speaking of which I heard from my RA today! YYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!! wipe the brow... He told me about how the aid in India was given to Indian NGOs who then only spent it in their little area, and some areas got none so have no reconstruction. Which is a weird spin on what I thought was going on and has given me food for thought. I have to try not to get too bogged down in finding out *everything* which is hard. I can't produce a report on everything and everyone who was affected by the tsunami so have to keep focussed. It is all interesting though I do get a bit carried away. Anyway, I asked him if he can do some group inteviews for me and offered him some moneeee. I wonder if the remuneration is enough, is such tricky ground! I offered RP120 an hour, which is about £1.50. Quite some riches in Indian terms - is what a new IT graduate gets. But not in UK terms which he will know and may cause consternation. We shall see! Anyway, we are getting somewhere, albeit very, very slowly.
Also my Sup is pleased that I sent him my 4000 wd chapter 'overview' so goodo. I slept in this morning actually cause I worked on the weekend and am not too stressed about doing a gazillion things for tomorrow. Am going to go out and read my theory notes in the sun soon, then shall come in and write them up... I reckon I should have the work done by Sunday at the latest. I do have 4000 words already so... I shall see how the meet goes with Sup tomorrow. I worry that the chapter may be very superficial. I don't know if this is true, or whether I am so familiar with it that it seems simple now - just a case of filling in the gaps. And how 'hard' is a methodology chapter anyway? Is all very descriptive, not very 'intellectually' demanding really... Ho hum, we shall see after seeing Sup tomorrow. Am really looking forward to our meet actually, will be very productive and means a lot will be sown up. If the chapter is shite this is will be good to know so I can make it better, if it is good this will be fine, and I look forward to hearing his ideas and chatting to him about the RA idea and the group interviews - and what on earth plan B can be if Kuna can't do the interviews. They would be very time consuming, and maybe we would be talking to the wrong people? Or asking the wrong questions... Also coordinating it from here is really difficult because he doesn't really speak very good english and we get our wires crossed so easily! Nightmare. I am definitely looking to go out now though and not looking to find a Plan B that means I can stay at home... I want to go and I want to talk to people aroundabout about the Tsunami and their experiences and just get some goddarned info at last!!! All being well tomorrow we can come home and book our flights! Am actually really looking forward to it - what an adventure!
I am in such a good mood today! So happy.
Am not going to go to Cornwall with DB this weekend now. I realised that we haven't had any time apart for a while, and it would be good for us to miss each other for a while and maybe I can squeeze a dinner out of DB on his return... !! And I get really carsick now, just that horrible low level nausea, which over a 7 hour drive will be nasty. And I can't bear to drive. And we will argue in the car - we do normally anyway even when I am trying to be non argumentative. With these hormones it would be like a red rag to a pre-menstrual (or pregnant?!) bull. Or cow, rather? Hmmmm, am all gender confused. And it would be good for him to go and let his hair down - I am being quite the rule-making taskmaster these days, I notice it in myself. So am sending him packing to go and get some pregnancy relief. I will be bored, no doubt, but some time with me and Bean will also be nice.
I have to put some washing on! And think about Research Plan B.
x J
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