Sh*t

Oh my god. I have been working out and planning this paper and have realised that I have five weeks to read for it and two weeks to write it, in time for a check by my Sup and a weeks worth of re-write.

HOW can I research and write a whole new paper in that time?! Oh dear, I feel some evening and weekend work coming on...

ARSES!!! Irritatingly I refuse to get stressed about this, am just royally miffed like it is all this big surprise. Get stressed! And do some work!!

Arf. It is so rubbish. I have all these massive reports to read and I really, really don't want to. Not at all. And the problem is that despite having so little time, September is so far away in my head!! It really is, so it is hard to believe it is actually not far away at all. I still have the summer to go and an arduous three weeks in India to spend! I really worry that I will just coast until I get back from India, then come back and realise that I only have a month to go before the paper I have forgotton all about and have to completely re-read for, has to be in.

Hmmm. How to ameliorate this. Obviously doing some work would be good. And probably writing up what I know before going to India would help me on my return, rather than being faced with a pile of notes I have to try and work my way through before getting back into the swing of things... I suppose in a way I am not that fussed (despite the horrid stat right in my face) because I have a clear idea of where I am going with this, a brilliant (even if I say so myself, I am quite shocked at it) abstract with references (that I have forgotton all about) and a clear argument. It is not complicated. But then I *always* say that and it is *always* complicated in the end.

Arg, when will I learn? I used to be such a stress head, this would make me cry and wail and feel like a failure only a year ago. And at some point I 'matured' into the work and realised that being stressy and unconfident is a mugs game, as it all seems to get done somehow so why not enjoy it? And while this happened I lost my edge that drove me determinedly onward to meeting deadlines. I have got soft! I am too in my comfort zone! (erm, how is trying to do a presentation for the first time at a massive international conference when 30 weeks pregnant not going out of your comfort zone...) Ok, maybe not too in my comfort zone all the time, but maybe too much for now! I need someone to come and scare me, make me feel unconfident and worried about failure!

I shall go and work on it. Tomorrow I aim to be a blubbering insecure wreck and shall work like a demon. Or maybe I shall just work and eat sweets.

x J