A rare,and misguided, feeling of achievement

I really do feel I have done something, I have worked hard and sent off my methodology overview to my Sup.

It is going well, and irritatingly turning into yet another chapter where I think I have all bases covered then realise I have to look at this, and mention that, and explain whatever... and it is a can of worms! But I suppose these are 'good' things in a twisted, PhD world.

Anyway, the draft is off, is 4000 words so about right. When I have filled out all the theory stuff and actually written the ethics out (coudn't be bothered, we know what they are) it will be much longer. Much of the rest though, justifying the case study etc is pretty much done though. Oooh yay! I am 4000 words down!! I jsut realised! How stupid am I - 'cause this is an overview I thought I would mainly keep this on the side, but actually it is way better than my 'real' draft now. Wooty. I also feel that I have worked hard today (about 4.5 solid hours?) and so am off for the day. I shall come back tomorrow and read my theory notes and write them up. I cannot tell you how many sources I have. Gazillions - the culmination of an MRes dissertation and essays and of numerous PhD meetings and fieldwork meets. Arg!

Beanie v active today! felt v sickly and dizzy at the shop. we bought a mountain of exotic fruit and are having meatballs and spaghetti for dins! We have lots of meat substitute food in too cause it was cheap, so hopefully will chill out my meat-obsessed brain. The supermarket was packed! Vile. Especially my beloved meat aisle, all those bbq freaks.

Oooh I got some trifle too! maybe I shall make that now!

Halfway through the chapter. hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

x J

Anxiety!

I, strangely, am glad because I am suffering anxiety about my work!

Yay! I give a toss!

This is pleasing. I am not working yet, but have it open and will start after this post. Shouldn't take long. Then I really have to get on with the actual chapter and work HARD because it is starting to seem incredibly boring and pointless to me now. Eek! Must. Stay. Motivated.

Enjoy the sun! DB and I are going out soon to the shops to buy me fruit and veg (yuk, no thanks) and lots of MEAT (yay!)

x J

DIdn't last long!

Arg I am lame!

I have copy and pasted lots from my chapter onto the review, and written most of it. Just have the methods to explain clearly and how I will use a research assistac,t so my Sup knows that I am going to do that now. And the group inteviews, he doesn't know about that. I have no plan B for if my RA has ducked out. I may think about this this avo.

So I am on target for 8000 words which is good, have 2500 of synopsis words, will prba end up with 3500 when finished. Filling it in will take it up to 8000 but no more, which is perfect.

For now though I have come over all pregnant (!) - the last couple of days I have been just dandy and feeling really spritely and normal, but right now I feel so tired and heavy and my brain won't exngage - am just racing through the work and know I am leaving holes and typing is just knackering!

Am going to go and make some food (feel quite sicky too) and sit out in the sun for a bit and maybe come back later, or come in and do lots tomorrow, won't be a problem (unless I feel terrible tomorrow too!)

Have lovely sunny times!

x J

Saturday woikin'

Well I decided since the sun was out and all -but not in my garden yet - I would start working early. May have been a bit of a fool for the clouds seem to be closing in, even though the weatherman yesterday was very explicit about how the whole country had NO clouds all day...

Blinkin' liars.

They are filming a filum (no way! Yes, filming a film) over the way today and may use our housey in it! Just the front and make it all ww2 stylie. Exciting!

Am currently on plan 2. which is to admit defeat and know that this chapter will never be done by tomorrow night in a million years and so am writing a synopsis/overview of it for my Sup to read and get the gist of my ideas. Everything is planned and done it is just a case of reading through each lot of notes for hours so I write expertly about the theories I am using and why, and ethics and la la la. I aim to have it done by Thurs eve. Is just time consuming. Otherwise, I could just think it onto paper and ta da! Would be done!

Hmm may have to admit defeat and put on a hoodie and some socks with my summer skirt and vest top... Ok, put jeans on too so I don't look totally mental.

Yes, so have written out for Sup what I have completed, which thankfully includes a great intro, so he can see where I am going and make comments. I don't think he will be totally surprised that it isn't done seeing as I have only had a month, and will probably be relieved that he has a reprieve of having to read a 8000 word methodology chapter. Boring!

Well, better get on. Will work until 2/3 then am freeeeeeeeeeee!

x J

Ah lovely sunshine

The sun is so lovely! I have been working quite well today, though have so much to do that it feels like a drop in the ocean...

And I had to delete a few thousand really crap old words, which is bad cause I have only 2500 words down of a 8000 word chapter that is meant to be finished on Sunday eve, but good because at least I knew they were crap, and have therefore learnt a thing or two in the past few months. Have also sorted my massive pile of notes into sections, done a damn fine introduction, realised that I have probably skirted over things that other people may find really important (e.g explicitly explaining how I will do data analysis, rather than just going along with my wishy washy Foucault-informed methods of analysis...), and thought I don't care about that so much, just get the first draft done!! Plenty of time for tweaking/re-writes later!

Am working pretty well because of the sun. I can often work well at this time of year, it being dissertation time for Masters theses etc, am quite used to it. And the long days mean I don't mind working until much later, when in the winter I usually want to knock off at about half four.
Am planning to work until half seven tonight, then shall hopefully be 'into' my first section explaining about the different theories I am using, and can come to it tomorrow with some enthusiasm. Am not doing much special tonight, eating salmon and new potatoes I hope (need something healthy to eat!) and watching Britain's Got Talent (erm, it does NOT, is all jokers this year!)... Tomorrow I shall probably chill in the morning and read the paper, then go for a jog, then come and start work for about 2pm. Sunday I shall work all day, depending on how much I get done tomorrow.

Am so hot! Being preggers means when I get hot, I get HOT and find it really hard to cool down. Sets me off in a bit of a panic. So am sat in a long t-shirt top, that should defo have jeans or leggings under it but instead am being rather a tart and flaunting my bum to the neighbours when I get up.

Still not heard from my RA in India. Oh dear. I fear I have mortally offended him by saying I won't get him a camera! Oh well, research down the pan then.

Have lovely sunny Fridays all (well, anyone in the UK, or else I am not sure about international weather conditions!)

x J

WORK

Today I have so much work to do. The sun is shining and it is actually warm, there is no breeze, my bun is cooking away in the oven and all is well with the world.

Except that I have a mountain of work to do, and a lazy, lazy brain. Where is my motivation? My fear? I was supposed to hand it in yesterday and I didn't even realise until late last night. This is very unusual. Where is my conscience? I barely even know it is Friday!

Current plan: to fill in as much as possible of the chapter before Sunday and send to Sup. Then, to have completed the chapter by the following Thursday when I shall put it away and go to cornwall for a lovely weekend, to come back refreshed and ready to attack chapter no. four.

I just have to keep thinking that this chapter will end. And soon! And when it does, I will be one chapter closer to having a wonderful 9 months off just to stare at my baba, with no worries and a happy Sup...

That has made me feel better!

x J

Skiving

I have done no work today. I had the midwife appt and then walked home which took 1.5 hours so have only recently got in and am just in too good a mood to write sensible methods stuff.

Tomorrow I shall concentrate very hard! Tonight I shall play baby stuff and read my gumph and indulge in Beanie, and tomorrow I will be sensible. And I will work all weekend.

x J

Bean!

Ah Bean is so well!! So BIG!! An inch, and apparently is only 9 weeks along and due on New Years Day! I don't believe that though and think we are a bit (like, couple of days) more ahead than that but anyway, between xmas and new year it is!! And it will be late (if anything like its father) and so an early Jan baby anyway!

So thrilled! Was all worried thinking I had made it up again or something could be wrong. But absolutely not! So proud.

Trying to work, not working at all and daydreaming and being a proud Mum!!

Craziness. If I am like this now I can imagine that post-baby not much work gets done... I can bearely tear my eyes away from the wee pic.

Have a midwife appt at 1.30 for an hour then will try and come back and work. Really have to get working! Otherwise I have three full days then hand in on Sunday eve. Can get lots done in that time if I work hard... I haven't left anything this late or been so unfussed about a deadline since I did my Undergrad. Beanie is a bad influence!! ;0)

We are telling everyone today! Such a relief to be able to talk about it!

x J

Bean Day # 2

Arg I am so nervous. I swear I am more nervous than before my last scan. I wonder if I have more to gain and lose this time - it being nearly 10 weeks along! Also, the pregnancy is great, but really hard and stressful so I have not always been Mother Earth and worry if I will be punished.

Lordy, being a parent is exhausting!

Other than Bean Day (Midwife appt laters too!) I will work very hard today - mostly because I am banned from the internet and radio because I don't want to know who came out of the apprentice last night!! I did't see it because DB was watching the football.

Work is really going ok. I finished my introduction last night and the methodology section is tighter than ever - more than just a waffle about consent and methods and stuff, but careful consideration of where and why and how and the ins and outs of it - basically because I have done it and am going back out again in 6 weeks. Advice chaps - don't worry about your methodology chapter too much before you have started the actual research cause it will be billy-basic before you really know what's what! Also, I find that I have confidence in what I am writing and what methods will work and what won't and why - which comes with having gone there and trying to do it and relying on myself ot make the decisions.

One thing I will say is that atm I am telling a little white lie. Or not letting slip the whole truth, about how long I spent in India. I will say that I went there for two trips but not how long each trip was for, that way they will fill in the gaps and I don't have to say it was only 4 total months! Anyway, I have about my Dad's death and my pregnant state as 'personal issues' to explain why I use an RA and why I don't carry out most of the research myself...

Arg! One hour till Beanie time!

x J

Sweets!

I have found my new mecca - the sweet shop.

I never eat sweets normally but just had to go and get some refresher bars (haven't had them since school) and was then sidetracked by swizzle lollies and chocolate eclairs - the caramel things, not the baked goods! So have been sat scoffing them while doing my work, which I also do not tolerate. Eating and working = FAT!! But anything to keep me here working and not daydreaming about Bean is to be encouraged atm.

My work is going ok. It is painfully slow, getting each sentence just right and realising that I know no vocab or phrasing any more. I am no way going to get this finished for Sunday which is the latest I can get it in, but I can get a thorough intro down and most of the important stuff so Sup has a good idea of where I am going. I want it so he knows what the chapter will be about, and then we can discuss it and it is just a case of me spending a week filling in the gaps then putting it to bed for the next year. :0)

I realised yesterday too that I can easily get out of going to India if I want to, I just need to claim pregnancy and consequent fears, e.g. malaria risks, heatstroke, illness etc. And realising this, and being so close to being able to call it off, made me realise that actually going won't be so bad, and may actually be good. I have to go and get the results for the research, and I want to try and do some interviews, I want to see the aid camps, and I would really like some noodles and lassi's and to see Site One again and be part of all the friendly craziness. So maybe it will be cool. I am going, and that is that. Anyway, Bean might love India! And DB said we can have a room with air con if necessary (I think so this time, though normally would abhor it on account of not being a very 'authentic' fieldwork experience) and even a fridge to keep things nice and cold so I can calm my horrible swellings and heat freaky-outness. And I can lie in the pool every so often. It will be FINE. GOOD even.

And that is how I overcame my fieldwork phobia.

Still more work to do. Am concentrating on sorting out my intro so I can just filln in the relevant gaps over the next few days and send off on Sunday. As I said, it won't be finished but it will be definitely almost there.

Scan tomorrow! Wish me luck! ;0S

x J

Ps. Think I ate too much sugar. Feel sick and exhausted. Oops!

Ug

I have a LOT of work to do, it isn't difficult, but I don't want to do it. I am just desperately browsing the internet for something to waste my time.

Must. Start. Working.

It is so silly that I am not doing it. So silly. I don't even mind it! I think I am being terribly distracted by the fact it is Scan Day tomorrow. Baba will be an inch long, with arms and legs and moving around! And we will get a proper, proper due date too which is really exciting. Just to see Bean and know they are ok will be great.

Yesterday I found out something incredible - there is a uni branch of Exeter university in Cornwall, and it is down the road from where I will be living and it is a big fan of critical approaches, like me! So I can actually live in Cornwall and be an academic if I wanted (and if they wanted me but, you know, let us assume they might do for argument's sake). And I realised I was quite excited and thought 'Yeah! I have a future with my PhD!' and then later thought 'Oh dear. I wish I hadn't found that'. Because I always forget that to be an academic you have to keep doing research projects and I don't really like that side of it. I love my research and my topic - but I also love the fact it will come to an end. The actual research, the talking to people, the conferences, the networking, the emails, ARG, I *hate*. I would much rather deal with people face-to-face and do something tangible. I want a change. I want an alternative inner dialogue! I can't imagine finishing the PhD and then going into a job (academia) where these thoughts all have to come back again - foever until I retire! Oh no! I have been doing this intense work for about 6 years now, constantly, and have accrued two Masters degrees and now am working on the PhD. It is toooooo much! So although the dept is there, which is lovely (and it is v v v small so lots of scope to make a mark which I like muchly), I think I will still go and work for a charity and hopefully work with disadvantaged people for a while, rather than sitting in a room pontificating on my own about their lives. I do love the teaching and the 'expanding minds' bit, and the supervising. But I think a break from writing papers/chapters/anything and being on my own a lot will be welcome. I am really glad that it is there though, so I know why I am making choices rather than always thinking 'if I had the opportunity, would I have been an academic?' Maybe in a few years, but not after the PhD.

I have such dissonance about my future. I have a funded PhD course at a great Uni and a wonderful supervisor who really encourages and supports me, and I seem to be good at it. I do a course about social awareness and am gaining all this knowledge on the injustice in the world, and knowledge alongside it about how I think it may be changed or whatever, and yet I am going to keep it all to myself and work with a UK charity or be a social worker or a potter, and bring up a family and well, try and lead a simple life with a brood of children and art and the countryside and a veg patch. Is this inherently selfish? Do I have an obligation to 'give something back'? Even if it makes me unhappy and have a job I hate, talking about issues that I can't stand to hear about any more? Bah.

Well, I have at least three years until I start job hunting so who knows what I will be thinking by then. (Not much if I have recently submitted!)

Good luck with your days! Let us be productive!!

x J

Arg

I haven't done anything except moon around!

I really don't have time to mess around like this so don't know what I am playing at really. All I know is my mind is like a naughty child and every time I try and think about my work and make myself realise how serious it is that I am not doing any, the thought slips out of focus and disappears.

Good things I have done today:
Eaten well (though with one extra cheese bun and some choccie, though that was to cheer I up)
Been for a jog (no swimming, too far away but jogging is better anyway for endorphins)
Done some work though nowhere near as much as I should do
Sorted out my office from a long week of guests

So tomorrow I shall come back, sit in my room and work properly. I shall, I shall!

Shall keep pretending to work for a while longer, till about 6pm I reckon.

Wish I could eat fish and chips (and bit of sausage!). Instead I shall have omlette and chips. Not such a bad compromise!

SLEEPY!

x J

Righty Then

Today is a better day. I have a lot of work to do but know what I am going to say so it is just a case of getting it down and making sure everything is in the right place. This is most pleasing.

I had a lovely time with my friend last night, we stayed in and watched Britain's Got Talent and ate chocolate. Perfect! Was great to talk PhD, surprised myself about how confident I am and irritated me that my friend is still not confident and worried. We are so far through now! Well I tried to buoy her up. She has been doing fieldwork since Nov last year, is back for two weeks to do a conference and go to Uni, and then back in the field until Sept! Totally different to my work, but I am convinced she has a mountain of info to sift through already so am not envious of that! My main worry was always having too much info but still feeling like you have nothing at all and need to do more! I have tried to assure her that she knows a lot, but nope, she is sure there is more needed!

I am excited about my work. I hope Kuna wants to help me still. I have not heard from him since I emailed to say I was glad he could help and politely let him know that I was not going to buy him the digital camera. Eek!

Trying to be upbeat today and not mental. Got up early to see my friend off and have started work. Think will go for a swim later if I have time (can be bothered?!) I know I need to get out but also know I have so much work to do today and tomorrow - very important days - and getting to the pool and back and changing etc takes so much time! :0P

Better get on.

Laters!
x J

Erm...

Well, quite honestly today has been very emotional!

Am a basket case. I never expected this, I always thought I would be so smug and happy to be up the duff that I would just pick apples and make daisy chains every day as I bloomed and showed off my glorious fecundity under blue, blue skies.

Instead, I am a raging monster of hormones and anger and crying-ness.

Despite this though, I did manage to work out a significant plan for India and for my RA to start looking at (after my Sup has of course) during a rare oasis of calm. I now need to work out what I will do in India, and make it as friendly and encouraging as possible for me to start to look forward to it. I think just feeling like I have a plan and like I am in control of it will go a long way toward that. Then, I shall talk to my Sup on Tues and look to get visas and flights...

At the mo I have deviated from any plan I have ever had and decided that group interviews would be marvellous. Much response, yet flexible and much of the agenda is set by them which is great. My RA speaks the language so will be able to keep up with the gist (no chance I could!) he can also organise groups easily and hopefully we should start getting some info on people's views of the aid effort. This is really exciting. Of course, it won't work out anything like that, but the thought of starting to get some info is thrilling. I wonder what they have to say?!

Now I am making some dins as my friend is coming at 6 and I think she has plans to go out tonight to lots of places! Will have to kind of ready for when she is here so she can eat and disappear if she wishes!

DF has been a total darling today, with all my crying. I am so lucky (although I was thinking of throwing him out two hours ago...!)

Beware pregnancy - it is terrifying! Phd?! Schmee-h-D...

x J

PS: my friend just called to confess that she doesn't feel like going out tonight! Hurraaaaaaay! I also confessed that I am happiy preggers and not in the mood either so we are going to be antisocial and watch tele and eat chicken stew and rhubarb crumble. YAY! Phew! Whoooppeeeeee!

Hormones :0(

Arg hormones are making me a right grumpy, moody, crying wench. I am NOT impressed and want my old brain back! Or maybe a pint of cider and a fag to help me cope?! Nope? Ok then, I shall sit and carry on being grumpy.

I know, I am so ungrateful! I have a wondeful healthy baby growing away and all I do is moan these last couple of days. I am horribly needy and whiny and feel just awful about it, even though I know it is hormones (kick in supremo at 9/10 weeks) and not me at all. Poor DB. Plus I am knackered and feel like I am constantly changing beds and washing up and cooking for peeps and all I want to do is sit and eat chips off my massive belly and stare at Britain's Got Talent. See?! I am whiny!!! All I want is a hug and to be looked after but I can't bear to be touched by anyone and all that comes out of my mouth is horribleness! ARG!!

I have a Uni friend coming to stay tonight - more because I couldn't let her sleep in the street rather than a genuine desire to reach out and share my abode. Again. She wants to go to the pub tonight for a big Uni reunion and I tell you now, I ain't going. Before, I needed wine; lots of wine to cope with the geeky tedium of these people but now I have no defenses, plus am feeling horribly sorry for myself PLUS I am not sharing my lovely Beanie with these people so they will have to be perplexed by my rudeness. Or not, because I am not going. I shall claim tiredness (true) and pregnancy (also true) and sit on my fat ass and watch tv. Then tomorrow I shall be free! My house shall be my own! I can take my bra off!! (They really hurt me now but not wearing one is not very sociable if you know what I mean.) I won't have to cook proper meals at normal times and worry about whether peeps will like them, then wash up and la la laaaaaaa. No sir! And I shall have my office back. I miss my wee room.

Arf, I am such a grump and it frustrates me that it isn't even my fault. At least being such a mardy wench means that bean is growing big and strong. We have our next scan on Thurs! Woo! I had a dream last night that I was so grumpy I wished Bean away and she was born early and died. It was horrible, and makes me feel like a dreadful person. oh :0(

Erm, yes, the PhD. Well, I didn't work yesterday and today have been a weirdo so far... so am trying to sit and do it but am finding it hard to give a toss. Really, I just don't care. And I hate thinking about the methodology today because I am in knots about going to India. I can't go. I can't!

x J

Ps DB just came in and I whined at him and he made me feel better and told me not to worry about going out tonight and to just relax and be moody because it is all very normal. :0) I shall do some work now then.

Sun Day

It's too sunny to work! Sunny sunshine day! I have tried working, and failed and felt miserable and miserly being inside and flogging myself in front of a laptop on a day such as today.

So I shall go outside and enjoy myself! Tomorrow it will rain again and I can work then. Not a whisper of wind, so peaceful, bees buzzing and a wee bean growing away, fuelled handsomely by cheese baguette.

Hurray!

x J

One step forward...

And the inevitable two steps back. Or, one hour work of work and then two off, wandering around the house looking for urgent, time-consuming missions...

Yes, today is not going well. I work well for a few days, think I have cracked it and got some momentum and motivation going and then bam. My brain wants to shut down and throw it all out of the window. Oh well. I did finally sit down to read through my notes and basically just stared at them and turned pieces of paper over. After washing up and making some much-needed houmous I realised that I should have a look at any work I have done so far on the methodology as I knew I had a couple of 'rough' drafts I knocked up for various pre-fieldwork meetings. Pleasingly they proved to be terrible and useless, which shows that a certain level of maturity and understanding has been gained on my part and, thus, the past few weeks of reading have not been wasted. Apparently I thought I was going to do focus groups and befriend practically everyone in Southern India in order to provide a thorough piece of research. I also seem to think that working with anyone else would be terrible, introducing a new' mechanism' into the research that may jeopardise the clean lines of success otherwise gained by dealing directly with local people myself. Obviously I would be fluent in the language and bedding down in a local hut with a local family. I also seemed to think that I was going to volunteer at a big organisation for long enough to become part of the furniture - so much so I was addressing ethics issues of what if they forget I am a researcher?! What sweet naivety. In contrast, it is now all I can do to get any information at all, in any method possible. I now face a second trip, the use of a Research Assistant, cannot and never will be able to speak the language fluently, will never not be 'other' enough to be forgotton about and will probably be using some kind of survey format to get the bulk of my info.

How things change!

So, having noticed a lot of this rubbish and pointless hoo-haa-ing I know now that I can come to this chapter with a lot of knowledge and grown-up thoughts about how to address and conclude this research. This is fantastic. But didn't take very long! I should start this process, but instead I am going to follow my heart and skive for the rest of the day knowing that I can come back to it on Sunday and start with some quite easy and satisfying editing.

Have good weekends all!

Till Sunday then,
x J

Friday! And don't I know it!

Oh I am being naughty today. I shall start work in a min but I really, really don't want to look at it. EVER.

Maybe I should think of something else I can do instead that is work related but not tedious... Nope, nothing.

Slept in this morning until 10.30... Am still knackered! Decided as my work is going ok I should treat myself to a lie in as am so tired but am still tired so... Can't wait until this evening and no more work for a day! Yay! Am sick of it. Not all the work - I have found some great articles for my next chapter that I am really looking forward to reading. But for now, I have to concentrate on stupid methodology and it is so BORING.

Bla bla. Rubbish PhD.

x J

Hmmmm

Well, I have finished my reading for now...

I am terrible for stopping once I have reached a milestone; even though there was plenty of the day left I couldn't work any more once I realised my reading was finished and ran away! Left to go and have a bath... Think is a good thing really, is just annoying when you don't want to work but are bored doing anything else!

DB's sis is staying around for a few more days now. This is cool but I do feel a bit unsettled. Think it may just be because I am feeling a bit tired and slightly grumpy! Would kind of like to be on my own for a bit instead of using my energy wondering what to feed us all for dins and being a good host etc. Is fine though as KI have been meeting my deadlines so just need to stick to it!

I feel like it is Friday which is no good! I hope I don't feel like this tomorrow or working will be very hard! Can't wait for a proper day off.

Tomorrow I am going to carry on reading through the notes I have made so far, to see if there are any holes in my knowledge. I think there will be, in the theory, and will probably have to go back to the philosophy books that I sacked off early the other day. But if I need to read them that is fine, it is just annoying when you don't *know* that you have to read them - feels like such a waste of time! Then I shall start making brainstorms and planning. I shan't pressure myself to start writing until Monday.

I emailed my RA in India today to say that I couldn't send him a digital camera and suggested a place in Chennai where he could possibly buy a good camera... Weird. And asked him some questions about him and the area he lives and works in, and said I would start some questions and send them along to him in a couple of weeks for his input. Most pleasing! This is my kind of fieldwork... !!

Am off to get some toast. Low blood sugar = grump.

x J

All going well!

Pleasingly, today is going rather well!

I have nearly finished the reading for this chapter and should be planning it and reading through all my notes tomorrow (a LOT of notes, excellent!) and ready to write hmmm... on Monday? Sunday I shall be working but I expect I will be reading and planning - it is all in the planning you see. And I have to fill in the gaps of my current hazy plan of what I want to achieve with Kuna in India, and how. I will not 'do' anything though or make plans until I have spoken to my Sup. I am so enamoured with the thought that in a week or so I will have another chapter done! WOW! Yayyyayayayyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

DB is not going to Cornwall any more so I shall have company this weekend! This is great but I wasn't really minding having to be on my own. Well, a couple of days would have been fine though till Monday eve was looking a bit rubbish. But he is staying because he said he didn't want to be away from me and Bean for so long! It is ok for me because I am always with Bean, but I suppose if DB was preggers I would feel weird going away so far and for days. Weird instinct thing. Is lovely, like we are turning into a family! :0) I didn't think it would happen like this, I thought we would be fairly 'normal' and change when baba was born, but guess it starts earlier than that so you are already like a unit when they arrive. Magic.

Am feeling most sick today. I have to graze or I feel v sick and if the fridge is opened it is the most vile smell in all the world. And all the fresh fruit and veg in the house is off and moldy in my world. I don't know why I feel this today. Being pregnant is most strange! I am still working away though. Most dedicated...

Better go and eat a cracker and read some stuff about reflexivity!

Oh! And we finally have The Wire series four to watch. 'Thank the lord', I hear you say! What a splendid bank holiday this is turning out to be!

x J

Stupid Day

Ah I am stupid today. And in a bit of a bouncy mood for no reason. And completely shattered - hyper snoozy mania. Have been stupid quite a few times today already and not actually been up for long...

BUT I shall try and do some work! I did try already and forgot how to write down a reference... so gave up and made some coffee and brekkers instead. Now chilling and we are off to the cinema to see Coraline in a few hours - plenty of time to do some work in the meantime! If I don't do any I won't worry too much, I have worked very hard these past few days and will work all over the bank holiday. Seeing as I am on my todd I won't have much else to do :0( AM really going to miss DB but hope it is ok and I can concentrate and get lots of work done.

Humpty!

Brain dead!

x J

Halfway thru or End of day?!

I dunno where I am!

I am starving though.

I have worked really hard today and read and read and read and really do have such a good idea of what to do in India and how! Fantastic! Book are brilliant. I have four more books to read then am DONE. My 'deadline' is Thurs avo, so should start planning and writing on Friday. Am not sure about that but am definitely nearly on target which is good enough for me!

Am not sure whether I have finished for the day or not. I am a bit brain dead so would say I have - but still have a lot of reading to do... We haven't gone out for our food so off now and not sure if when I come back will be in the mood for MORE work. Glutton for punishment that would be - maybe I should just count it as a good day from now and come back tomorrow with a new mind and a new book...

Am completely shattered and totally starving! Think Beanie may be having a growth spurt ;0)

And it rains. It rains, and rains, and rains. I love it!

x J

Shattered

Arg I am exhausted! I went to bed at 2am Sunday night and 1am last night and woooo I cannae cope!

Have been doing some work, decided to have a break and am back for more in a mo. Will work until DB's sis is up (they were drinking until 4am!) then we shall go to the pub for some delicious lunch and then I shall be back - possibly after a bath and a snooze if they stay in the pub. Need to read enough today that I start to think about how and what I am going to do with Kuna (RA) in India... I dunno. I just do not know.

Laters!

x J

Post # 400!

Gosh what a week of landmarks for my witterings! Yes, this is post number 400. Oh. My. Word.

I have worked hard today! So hard, And have found out some things... and got quite confused about others that before I thought I was sound about. So a normal day then. I don't want to stop but my brain has stopped and I started flicking through lots of different chapters at once, trying to work out how best to spend my time and ended up getting stressed. I will just have to read all of it, and that is that! It is making me look forward to certain aspects of going back to India, and dread other parts. The set-up interviews really. I hate it. Observation and informal chats I love, even interviews if I know someone or have met them before and been friendly. But set-up interviews in remote villages with strangers? I HATE it. Am too shy, and just think it is rude.

I have been thinking and think I will go out in two months... for two weeks. I am so worried about the intense heat and the illness, I just do not want to risk Bean for stupid research. It is a shame you can't have flexible plane tickets really, cause if I am not ill and I am not dying from mossies and heat I would prob stay for a month. I dunno. I need to talk to my Sup about how best to go about the work really. I have to confess that I am not even sure what I want to find out. It changes all the time, but what I want to know is intrinsically linked to the data collection so need to find out pretty soon! Also, I have realised that although I want stories and informal interviews, with Kuna helping it is more likely going to have to be questionnaires or survey-style so I have more control over the research process... Which means quant data - and stats?! Oh no, oh no - just might as well retire now. I worked so hard for my stat module with SPSS during my MRes, I handed in a really good piece of work and got 44%. I know. I am awful, and i don't even know why. Me and numbers do NOT get on. I could get someone to help me, but I still wouldn't understand my own data. And people's lives and experiences cannot be in the form of STATISTICS! Oh no. Oh nonononono. SO I shan't. I just will not. We will work around it.

Tonight - making veggie chilli, eating it, going to pub.

Tomorrow - work! Read, read, read and at the end of it I hope to have a pretty clear outline of what I am doing and where I am going with the methods, ethics, etc.

Nearly time to write!

x J

Welll..

Today was a strange day... Like a nice Sunday but quite stressed too, with lots of work to do and DB's sis arriving this evening... Unfortunately her flight was cancelled so she is on a coach which won't get in until 3am! Rubbish!

Did lots of reading today. Have fantastic book about preparing for fieldwork and it has helped me loads - both for future research but also in retrospect... So much stuff I felt guilty about, like staying in ok guesthouses (no AC or 'owt, but you know, no cockroaches all the time either... and hot water... and maybe a hammock...) instead of manky grot holes or eating local food all the time - is actually really normal and encouraged if it means you have a 'comfort zone' from which to poke your head out of and do the hard bits... so was most pleased to hear about that. And there is more of it in other books I will read so think going back to India may be a more positive experience than I had dared to hope...

Speaking of India, I have just had a very odd, but also pleasing and perplexing email from Kuna, my contact in Site One. I asked him if he would help me with my research and be my research assistant, as I am now pregnant and won't be able to come out to India and do the research by myself over a long period of time as I had hoped. Which is all great, because he emailed back almost straight away to enthusiastically say yes. I assumed he would to be honest, as it will mean extra money for him and also research experience to help with PhD applications. It is great for me; he will be able to get my research underway so when I get there I just have to make sure it is on track and tie it up, it means that he can talk fluently to people in Tamil and gain info I couldn't possibly get, he works with my respondant group every day as a social worker - they really respect and like him - and he has brains and, I believe, integrity. It also means the research can be led more by Indian people, lending more authority to it presenting an 'Indian voice'. So this is all *excellent*. Obviously there are pitfalls, I will work these out over the next couple of days as I sort out a 'plan' of sorts for us and the research. Oh, also, he said he is really interested in the research and would like to help it so that is good. I believe him when he says that, as most people in India I have spoken to about it are so pleased anyone from the West cares about them now the Tsunami is long over...

But now the strange things... Firstly, he is flummoxed that I am pregnant and asked if I am now married then. Obviously this is a bit of a sticking point I will have to be delicate with, ethics-wise. I don't want to lie, but then I don't want him/everyone thinking I am a tart either. So... I shall have to ask my Sup about this one! DB wondered why I even told him, but I felt I wanted to be honest as I am not going out in Sept any more but July, and also am not working with them for three months as I promised but 3 weeks... and not even a proper three weeks as I will be having to concentrate on other interview areas too. So I blabbed about Bean and now he is confused because obviously you can't have a baby and not be married! Lordy no. I actually feel a bit bad. But I did have to say - I couldn't go out and be nearly five months gone and in that heat and on that transport (like crammed chickens) and not have anyone know - what if something happened?! I just have to be honest about it. Also, I may well be showing! I may be sick and tired and not wanting to eat local food or pineapple or something. Who knows?! Also, it may even help my cause to be preggers, a woman my age being unmarried and without a family is a strange thing in my research-world... Now I may present as being more 'normal' which will only help with making friends... If they don't find out I am unmarried!!!

Second strange thing is that he has asked me to buy him a digital camera?! He knows what model, I just have to buy it here and then he will give me the money in India! It sounds so dodgy and it is really, but he is really nice and very honest, really. I won't do it - well, I will ask my Sup what he thinks. Anyway, there are lots of shops in India?! In Chennai there are lots of electrical shops. You can buy laptops, mobiles and all sorts for about the same price if not cheaper than here. So I am not sure about that at all. It weirds me out, but I am trying not to let it too much because I don't want it to cast a shadow over our working relationship. Basically, I *need* him. And I really feel that he will be a total asset - the saviour - to, and of, my fieldwork. Really. Otherwise, there is none really. I will not go out for longer than a month so if he has managed a month of interviews etc before I get there - wow! Lots of info! And I can interview the people on the beach and in the restaurants, and go and see the camps etc - which is what I am good at.

So really exciting and a great step forward - my Sup will be sooooo pleased (and relieved!) - yet quite strange... Camera indeed. Tut.

x J

Sunday working :0(

Arf it's Sunday, I should be going for walks and making roast dinners and watching tele, and instead I am feeling stressy about not having started work yet.

I resent this intrusion!

DB's sis is coming to stay tonight. I must confess that although I am looking forward to seeing her and really am happy for her to come and stay, I am a bit dreading the pub bit. It makes me tired just to think of it! Ug, people drinking beer and the smell of hops and beer-ness. And sitting with a coke while they get drunk. Am not sure about all of that. But maybe it will be great, who knows! All I can tell you now is that I don't want to do much but be alone, with the fire and a good tv drama. And maybe some cookies. This is very different to the pub! Maybe I will go for a drink and if it is horrible I will come home. Am so happy, so HAPPY, for the first time ever, that we cannot smoke in pubs anymore! Or you would not catch me there with a bargepole.

So work... I will work until 1pm. I have a nasty block in my head that is stressed about having a lot of reading and learning to do and only until Thursday to do it. I really do need another week - but then don't we always?! I was tempted last night to let my Sup know that I was going to have another week, then thought I should just work to this deadline for now and get down what I can. Avoid perfectionism. I hate the thought that it could be a rush job though, where I overlook sources that I would otherwise like to read because I don't 'have time' when of course, I do.

So, will work until 1pm, then have lunch, then work from 2-5. Then shall chill, and hopefully have ironed out the stress noise in my head and be able to go to the pub and relax and, maybe, even enjoy it.

x J

Cognitive dissonance...

A surefire way to stress yourself out.

On the one hand I am sick to death of work, am tired and really can't read another thing. I want to sit in a room with NO books and never read again, let alone internalise info and think 'Oh! How interesting!' and write notes with fervour and flourish. On the other hand, however, I HAVE NO TIME! No time not to work, to decide that I shall laze around this afternoon staring out of windows! NO no ononononoooooooooooooooo do not do this to me.

Although, thinking and writing that makes me realise that actually, the best thing I can do is leave it as I am clearly reaching that stress threshold when one cannot concentrate anyway for being stressed and so races through reading thinking that is 'work' when in fact it is skiving - just really boring skiving.

So that's that. I shall work on Sunday but not tomorrow when I will try and refresh my batteries for Sunday's reading. Shall do about 4 hours on Sun, then DB's sis is coming to stay for a few days. She is going through a hard time with her hubby so is a beer and sympathy visit, and my first preggers trip to the pub will be on Sun with people who are going to get drunk. I may sneak a glass of wine and savour its delectable alocoholy-ness. Or not, I dunno. I will probably eat instead ;0) The rest of the week I shall try and work as normal but in the kitchen, as my office will be the spare room... and then they are both going to cornwall for bank jollyday, leaving me here to meet my deadline. Which is a great thing as sitting around in cornwall watching DB try and slowly get as far out of his mind as possible in a beer garden with like-minded peeps sounds just horrible. I shall sit here, watch tv and eat pizza and chat to Beanie instead. And write up my methodology. And try not to stress.

Somehow I need to get back to my happy place, where I tell myself I am not researching or writing this chapter to perfection; I am just trying to get SOMETHING, anything down on paper. It will be at least 5000 wds, even if they are rubbish words. Which is GOOD. It is just a first draft, something to show Sup where you are headed (and that you are working!) and for yourself to refer to and come back to and fill in the gaps later.

It *will* be ok.

x J

Friday!!! Yay! But... ??

Is so weird it is Friday! Great, cause I have tomorrow off; but am not ready!

Ug I have to change my trousers. I bought these online and they are ankle snappers and the breeze is doing my head in. Back in a mo...

Ah, that's better.

Well, today I have technically 'finished' my theory/phil reading, though in reality I have picked up these last few books, skim-read them and then thrown them away in disgust. I think I shall hang on to them and if I realise I need them when I am writing up, so be it. But for now, I am *sick to death* of them! NO MORE!! So onto the fieldwork side of things! Hurray!

I am irritable. I feel that these new trousers smell a bit even though I am sure they don't. Still, I have had the thought and so must change again. Back in a mo...

Ok, better now. I have a lot of jeans as I am a strange shape at the mo and keep buying new ones. I am quite the same apart from a big belly and disappearing waistline so my clothes look strange. Oh lordy, these trousers smell too. Think I may be being olfactorily sensitive as have stomped around my house, concluded it is the stinkiest house in the whole world and opened all of the windows.

Well, back in ankle snappers, and with the washing on and windows open I shall try and have calm!

I shall aim to have some lunch and then settle down to some more work. Have done two hours so far, slept in again till half nine so was late starting again. Is worth getting the sleep in though, this baba-growing malarky is exhausting, and when you are solely in the droning company of Habermas, Adorno and Horkheimer and Gramsci it can be a struggle to keep ones eyes open at the best of times... I am pleased though, am on track with my plan and have been working hard. Have a good-looking biblio of about 70 sources I would say for this chapter. I do look forward to thinking less in the clouds and more practically though. Should give me a bit of verve!

I am miffed because I bought the Wire (series four) from a guy on Amazon weeks ago and he never sent it :0( I was ripped off! Today is the deadline for him to have sent it so I want to claim my money back with Amazon and their site is down! Arg. Need to get that done before the weekend or twill bug me.

I am irritable! I shall leave. I expect I need some grubalub - but we don't have any!! Arf. Is always toast I suppose! Ahhh, I know! I shall have a tuna melt! With salad! Hurray!

As a parting shot I would like to add that I have put a whole lb of weight on, and it has clearly all gone on my boobies. ;D And I had a dream last night that I gave birth to Beanie in my ma's new sports car (she doesn't have one) on New Years Eve and DB was sat in the front ignoring us and listening to NDubz on bright yellow headphones. And Beanie wasn't that bothered either upon arriving into this new world, she was more like a very self-assured five year old than a newborn. I was a bit scared of her! And yes, it was a her! I felt quite needy, like I loved Beanie more than she needed/loved me! She was very cool and I was a bit of a needy loser. She would so dump me as soon as she found some cooler adults to hang out with.

BYE!!!

x J

Happy Anniversary!

Its the blog's 1 year anniversary! Silly jibber jabber for a whole year... Madness.

Today has not started well, as I didn't wake up until 9.45. I kid you not. And that was because DB called for me. Else lord knows when I would have finally roused myself. So I am at least an hour behind for the rest of the day.

Have a lot of reading to do - am desperate to get this theory rubbish out of the way now. Only three books to go but they could be quite tricksy. Fingers crossed!

Am getting a couple of strange social networking type invitation things from my Indian contact so don't think he is ignoring me phew! But would like an email! Hmm. I think I shall write a draft email explaining the work I would like him to help me with this weekend. We shall see, but if it comes off WOW that would be exciting!

Need to go for a jog today too.

Better head upstairs I guess!

x J

BEAN!

I saw beanie! Ahhh. Is due on 26 Dec, so am just over 7 weeks along - tiny baba! Has a heartbeat beating away and everything. Am delighted and so proud!

No work for me, am just in a world of baby lust and finally knowing how far along I am is fantastic! Did think I was over 8 weeks so glad have been set straight. Means we have know of beanie for longer than is actually possible via pg tests too; I knew she was there even though they were coming up neg (too early to test so it turns out!)

Lord I needed the loo though, I actually cried. You have to have a full bladder to help them see and I did - much earlier than necessary, in a car, in a traffic jam. We were late, in the wrong industrial estate and I thought I was actually going to pass out.

Anyway, was worth it! Sadly being 7 weeks is no excuse for the big tum though!! Arg!

Muchos work tomorrow... Fish and chips for celebration tea in place of gallons of cider and red wine. Hmmm... good thing and bad thing. (Haven't had a drink/smoke for over three weeks! Blimey)

xJ

'B' Day

No, not as in birthday but Beanie Day! Off at two for the scan... is such a weird thing to do. I was so sure I would never be lucky enough to get pregnant and still feel that way, so later is going to be a very surreal experience. Until we see beanie I am going to feel like a bit of a psycho mum wannabe who's deluded conviction has gone one step too far...

Anyway! Work! I have done some! Worked from about 8.45-10.30. Skim read several books and then made some lunch and am now skiiving and drinking tea. Will head back to my desk in a min and work until 2pm. Then I am off for the day - whatever happens coming back and reading Foucault is not going to be on my mind!

I have a sore throat :0( And it is not getting better as the day goes on. I was going to go for a run today but with traipsing around town yesterday with my massive bag of books and a jog the day before maybe I should just take it easy today. ;D

x J

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Ah, it is this blog's first year anniversary on Thursday! How mad is that! I only found out by accident. A whole year of jibbering!!

Actually, I can't believe it was only a year ago I had my monitoring meeting to get me to full PhD status. I feel so much older and, dare I say it, wiser since then! Ah... DB and I went into the Big City and got drunk on 241 cocktails all day...

I did some reading this morning of the delightful Monseiur Baudrillard who is bizarre but interesting. Felt quite sick and so mmmed and arrred about whether I was going to head into Uni or not and a desperate desire for some cleansing lotion decided me in the affirmative. My skin has not been this bad since I was a teenager. Shocking it is, and needs some serious treatments. So to Superdrug I headed - after the library of course. Got lots of books and, I am proud to say, not all of them were theory/philosophy but in fact some are about how to do fieldwork and methods! Yay! I am movin' on to phase two.

Methodology Chapter
Phase one: Work out theoretical and philosophical influences and 'lens' through which to analyse and present work
Phase two: Work out nuts and bolts of doing fieldwork in a developing country, methods, positionality, general jargon
Phase three: Read about ethical issues and subjective concerns re: reflexivity in the field, in analysis etc.

And then ta da! Is time to write.

Hurray! Have until next Tues to get all this done, then back to uni for more fieldwork/ethics books and then I am writing from Fri/Sat. Aim to hand in to Sup on Thurs 28 May so he can read it before our meeting on 2 June.

So much to do! But wow, I will have another chapter (mostly - first draft of course) down! What a buzz!

So for now am going to read until 6pm. I think DB is cooking me dins tonight I am not sure... Anyway I shall be chillin' and maxin' and then tomorrow I will read until about 1pm when shall have lunch - and then go and see Beanie! Am really nervous/apprehensive but more in a superstitious way than anything else - don't want to be 'seen' to be too cocky... You can never be sure. I had loads of dreams about the scan and beanie last night and they were really warming so felt, in my haze, it was beanie trying to reassure me. Bless her.

x J

shattered!

Arg I am so tired today!

Had a terrible sleep and even though I didn't get up early I am soooo tired. I am joining the gym today as well, I think. Am going along if DB goes (it's his gym I am joining) as really am getting quite large thighs which are not due to the baby, but baby-induced greed... Need to sort it out!!

I had a very good weekend. I did no work on Saturday and bummed around and went for a loooong walk along the canal. Then on Sunday I did a couple of hours of reading in the morning, went for some delicious lunch and came back and did some more reading for about 1.5 hours, then watched tv and second reviewed a terrible article for the uni journal. Was v busy lady! Finally chilled out about 6.30 and DB made me some stir fry for dins. It was such a great day, I could just work and didn't have to wash up or worry about making dins or anything so was actually rather relaxing. And has meant I can get up this morning and all the horrible books are done and dusted. Thee is light at the end of the reading tunnel - hurray!

Today am reading some more... going to the gym I think (arg, so tired! Need to get into the habit though, I just do) and eating fruit instead of cake. Monday-Friday I am very behaved, then on the weekend I go mental with the food. Hopefully beanie will calm down soon and I will stop being hungry!!

Scan day after tomorrow! I just can't wait!

Feel so much better about India. My Sup agreed with my idea of asking Kuna in India (my contact at the voluntary organisation I was working with before got called home) to help me do the research if I pay him and said he has done it before. As long as I go out and check the responses he has and talk to a couple of respondants and him all should be well. I love this idea more and more. However, Kuna and I had a little misunderstanding a few days ago where he apologised for not emailing quicker (like, left it a few days) and I just said to him not to worry if he can't email me back quickly all the time, is no need to worry and he thought I was telling him not to email cause they were bothering me?!! Oh dear. I emailed right back and explained the misunderstanding with lots of reassurance that I love his emails... and I still haven't heard back :0( I emailed on Sat to say hello but still nothing. I hope he isn't all cross or something. I need his help! I reck it would be good for him to help me out becasue he wants to apply to do a PhD in the UK - so having helped on a PhD research project would be great on his CV...

Arg, cultural miscommunication... Am so worried because I really want him to help me woith this work - it could be great for both of us! Speaking the language, having been there, having a rapport with the respondants - all mean the info he will get would be far more insightful than if I was doing it. And more ethical because he can have a lot of input into it, even lead it if he wants - rather than me blundering in in my big ol' English boots and assumptions.

Anyway, we shall have to see.

Better do some work!

Will trawl the internet for a bit then start - slow starting today...

x J

FRIDAYYYYYY!

Ahhhh am so so happy it's Friday!

Such a good sign that I am happy to be able to leave my desk for a bit - no, relieved to be able to leave my desk, and my books and arg, everything! No work tomorrow hurray hurray! I have worked hard again today. Didn't get through as much as hoped but that is because the book I am reading now has some pretty good ideas in it so need to note them, internalise them and then I can move on...

Waiting for my chinese take away now! Yes, I am still managing to resist the sausage. Am actually quite interested in how long the sausage-lust will last.

And DB and I, too impatient for the NHS to sort it out, have booked us all in for a private scan on Weds to see baba, work out how old she is, and get a due date! So excited and a bit nervous - what if I am making it all up?!!! What if there is nothing there?! Eek! DB said that that wasn't true and that we were making a little family and I burst into tears - which is probably as much proof that I am up the duff as any pregnancy test these days.

Soooo, I am off for the next couple of days, going to bake my wee baba-cake and eat a bit of rubbish (man I have eaten well this week, fruits, veggies, pulses you name it!) and read the paper - and go for a swim methinks. My first preggers swim. Ahhhh.

Oooh knowing how old tacker is will also help my plan when on earth I am going to go to India! That will be a relief, starting to make plans to go will actually be a good thing - the not knowing is a pain! Will it be in one month or two months? Who knows! Ug. It really is strange, I have been so vehemently anti-India, even right up until last night when I was really wracking my brains about how not to go. And today I am actually almost looking forward to it. I think I *want* to go! I like it there (!! I know, so weird) and it will be hot so can sunbathe and walk on the beach... and eat omlette and chips every day and drink pineapple juice... Thinking of the holiday aspect makes it much better. And I forgot that some of the work will be away from the voluntary org I am with (don't like working with them much, is a bit intimidating) and will be on my own, talking to restaurant owners and hotel workers and beach hawkers about their experiences. And cycling and seeing camps and maybe talking to villagers in the camps about their life. Maybe a trip down the coast again to site # 2 and seeing the tsunami houses as they are now. Yes. It could all be quite good. ;0)

Happy weekends all!

x J

Working!

I have been working very hard again.

So hard in fact, I have pen on my wrist from something very important.

Still soooo much to do though :0(

In a much better mood about India today and actually may even be looking forward to it. I have to think of the holiday side of it, and work around the work-bit for now, just to get myself thinking I am actually going. Else I spend all my time wringing my hands and muttering spells that I hope will make it all go away. It doesn't work.

I am making split pea and bacon soupins for my lunch! Have a ridiculous desire to eat cheap sausages still so trying to steer self away from that, but think a visit to the chippy will be in order for treat dins, which is a shame because I would prefer a chinese in the long term (bizarrely, I know). Can I have both? A chinese take away, and a sausage?! DB did try and placate me with the offer of a sausage roll. I had to decline by shaking my head for I had not the willpower to say 'No' aloud. A lovely, warm, succulent, a-nutritious sausage roll. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg.

Worky worky this avo, then am offfffff at 5ish for the day! And for tomorrow! Wooty!

x J

Demon working I tell thee

I have done so much work today! Finished for the day now because I realised the final book I was reading was actually likely to be useful and so should come back tomorrow when not so tired. Each sentence was taking about 5 minutes to compute!

Am in a much better mood - I had a bath and did more work after I posted earlier. Got through four texts today and am on the fifth. Brilliant! And I have finished with the Author of Vileness - she can't communicate her ideas at ALL, is impossible to read and even worse, her ideas are ridiculous. But she is a leading author in her field so I have to read it just to dismiss it/explain to Viva person why I didn't use her ideas etc. So glad that horror is over!

Generally I really hope to have 'finished' (is it ever finished?!) the theoretical side of my work by the end of Thursday. I hope to finish the texts I have now by Tuesday, then go to Uni and change them for a couple more I have to read for a balanced, rounded idea, then by next Fri I hope to be planning and writing this section in time to get more books the following Tues on doing fieldwork in developing countries, and methods... So I can start to see a plan unfolding and light at the end of the tunnel!

I always knew that this chapter was going to be hard. I hate methodology. And also, I really look forward to going back to my actual PhD work! Reading reports and about the world and International Relations! This is sooooooo doing my head in now! I am so glad I worked so hard today, I think subconsciously I was reaching the end of my tether with the work and just had to get a move on with it. Tomorrow I really hope to carry on, though not so frantically seeing as I have found a book that actually seems relatively informative.

So thats me for today. Am going to veg in front of the tele and try desperately to halt my intense desire for sausages. Preferably a battered one from a chip shop (I know it's disgusting, not normally on my menu I have to say. And I had sausages last night for dins!). Instead I shall have a more nutritious prawn baguette and oven chips.

Lordy I want some sausages.

x J

Erm.

I am working really hard today. Just got up and got on with it.

It is probably easy because I am in a foul temper today. Really I am. Everything, even the music on the radio is doing my head in, so working really is the best thing for me.

Am in such a grump. I don't know why. I feel like a super machine, just bulldozing through work and taking no nonsense - or humour - whatsoever. Work is just awful, Uni seem to want me to go in everyday for seminars and networking and I just cannot face it, or people. So I have decided to just ignore it for now.

It will pass soon I am sure. I the meantime, back to work.

x J

Oops!

I forgot I hadn't posted today! I decided to start the day without turning on my laptop that's why - new resolution not to mess around all morning before settling down...

Today was ok though! I did some work... not as much as I hoped and the reading I did do was fairly unsatisfying (not hugely useful, not in the immediate sense anyway) and so feels arduous, pointless and annoying. But it has to be done or someone will say 'did you read this article? Why didn't you mention it?' So it has to be read just to a) namedrop or b)dismiss the view in a single sentence to show I have done some readin'. My Sup also sent me another name for someone I have to network with. ARG! Leave me alone man! I hate meeting strangers, on these horrible academic blind dates where I am supposed to have something to say and create the point for the meeting - only I don't/can't. This is my PhD bugbear. The challenge that makes it a PhD and not just another piece of work. It is not the reading, the understanding, or the writing. Not the reference checking, the loneliness or long hours. Nope, it is the networking and the vile, VILE empirical research where I have to go to India and ask impertinent, dumb questions to people who just don't deserve to be prodded over just so I can complete another degree. (I think I need to find some new methods that make me feel like less of a colonial, researcher ar*ehole to be quite honest. But what they are, I don't know! Maybe I shall use that as a smartarse excuse not to do any research!!! It is against my principles!!! Haha, bet they will love that.

Anyway, time to leave the comfort of parenthesis methinks...)

I am a bit of a grouch.

I did work though, then had an altercation with my surgery who have booked me in with a hospital for my baba that has a high neonatal death rate. Yes, Death Hospital so I told them in no uncertain terms that I was not going there and had never mentioned going there so why was I going there?! I honestly did not ever suspect how hard it is being pregnant and trying to work out what on earth is going on. Ever. Is like a big secret and no one will tell me when to expect scans etc and what they are and were they will be and why bla bla bla. Was quite distressed. So I did that for a while, then cried and DF made me some lovely tea, then I worked again and then, at five, did my new yoga DVD which was rather hard work. And then made toad in the hole and some mash and watched the Apprentice! And now am in bed. Yay!

Tomorrow I am reading a LOT - no pregnancy stuff tomorrow, oh no. Work, work work and no exercise either. Just chillin'. And readin'. Am terrifyingly close to the deadline.

No networking. 'Twill have to wait I say. Can only concentrate on one thing at a TIME, man.

x J

Home already

Well today hasn't turned out as I anticipated at all!

First of all, the guy I was meeting didn't turn up - so I waited outside in the rain and cold and wind for 15 mins, smiling at strangers. Then gave up and emailed him to say as much and he emailed back straight away to say he had got caught up trying to get back from Manchester... Hmmm.

Anyway, was nice to not have to meet him anyway though for all the effort I wish we had I suppose. Then I went to the library and became completely exhausted and decided to just come home and scrap the 'how to get published' meet at 2pm. I know it would be good and useful and my Sup was expecting me to go but... Just the thought of having to wait another hour and a half with nothing to do, just to go to that meeting was too much. So I made my pre-emptive excuses and skiddadled outta there. Via topshop... My trousers are being rather punishing with my already expanding waistline (no baby, just big fat tum which I am assured is normal for early pregnancy but still am unsure) - which I vowed to sort out until I sat on the train and had a massive munchy attack (damnable rogue bean!) and had to munch a veggie sausage roll I had bought DB as a pressie (he loves them, dunno why particularly) and packet of crisps as if I had not eaten for days even though In was only twenty mins from home. Arf.

Reading for me then this most rainy of avo's. After some flower arranging and a cuppa tea.

x J

Better 'fess up

I have done no reading :0( I am being a complete slack-bum and have done nossing.

I did the drawers for our bedroom which now actually looks like a room and is quite lovely, despite the first real morning sickness kicking in! Exciting, but horrible. Anyway, took me ages. Then I made smoothies, had a bath, and then finally came to work and have been looking up the books I need to get tomorrow to do more reading with... And I have done no more than that. Oh, I found some very important papers I will need to read in the next chapter. But, I have no intention of doing more than this. Fact is that even if I start I won't finish anything now today - it is too late and my mind is happily elsewhere (in bank holiday tv and lovely new sitting-room with lovely throw and dim lighting and cosy-ness-land). I am also very tired, which is no excuse I know but does mean that it will all take longer than if I was feeling grand. So, for today, no reading - even though I know this will come and bite me on the arse later in the week when I am stressing about the deadline... but I shall take the risk.

Generally things are progressing though.

Dreading this chat with this random guy tomorrow. UG. I hate the way my sup is always making me 'reach out' to others in the academic community. I am a hermit! Leave me to be a hermit goddamn!

x J

Bank holiday - again

Like buses they are, British bank holidays.

I didn't do any work yesterday in the end - DB and I went to blow my beeday cash in Ikea. On a bank holiday! Normally my worst nightmare! We work from home, why go on a bank holiday weekend?! I tell you why - because I am pregnant. It must come with the hormones. Anyway, it was actually fine and got lots of lovely stuff and my living room is really cosy and grown up looking now (coffee table and everything!) and I feel much more settled. The bedroom is todays task. We got back pretty late yesterday and I spent a while messing with the living room but DB went mental at me and told me to sit down and relax - this is an important week in my pregnancy and he is stressy about me overdoing it. Which is fair enough, I am not really one for sitting around when there is stuff to be done (unless it is uni work of course!) so find it hard to 'put my feet up' when there is a house to be done up!

So my plan today is to fix up the bedroom with the drawers etc, then go for my daily constitutional, then read a couple of essays in this edited volume I am ploughing through... I will probably do that between 3.30 and 6. Then I shall actually chill out for the evening - hopefully DB is going out so I can sprawl on the settee!

Have a big day tomorrow - back to uni to change books again, but also to meet this guy and talk about his fieldwork experiences (ug, hate it, hate it) and then go to a seminar on getting published from 2-4 (hopefully 2-3 but think it is until 4pm). So a full day at uni for me then! It shall be strange and will be interesting to see how tired it makes me! When it is over though I am freeeeee then and no more uni dates until the beginning of June so can just get my head down and work and be pregnant and STUFF.

Oh I did something quite horrible yesterday. I am a bit lacking in spatial awareness since I got preggers, I don't know why... but am aware that I keep nearly falling down holes/into tables etc. Is driving DB a bit nuts, I think he is regretting his choice of incubator for his child. Anyway, yesterday I was busy making our coffee table and had the top of it upturned with all these screws poking out of each corner - and I, obviously, went and skewered my toe on one of them when heading out of the room. How?! HOW?! How did I not know they were there?!!! It didn't hurt actually, but I am aware that the wound has not yet closed properly so, irritatingly, I may yet have to go and get some stitches. I can't be bothered with all that so am holding it closed with a plaster atm. The (un)funny thing is I nearly did it again a bit later. DB was furious!

So there we are. It does start to make completing the PhD more and more unlikely doesn't it?!

x J

Friday!

I am not working tomorrow, so am very excited it is Friday. Being v good and doing 6 day weeks at the mo...

Am feeling v pregnant today, have lots of symptoms so am very happy indeedy. Am going to do lots of reading today in anticipation of having tomorrow off. Think we will go out for dins tonight (in lieu of getting boozy) which would be lovely. Either that or a pub lunch on Sunday...

Reading, reading. Open article/essay, skim for main arguments and info, close and move on.

x J