Sleepy but accomplished lots!

Worked so hard today, probably did about five hours of complete work which is pretty good I reckon!

Read about five essays and so tomorrow I only have a couple more to read in this edited book then can start on another... which is fantastic because I was going to work on Saturday if I hadn't started a new book by then; I have so much to do for Tuesday! It is such a relief to a) have a deadline and b) to take it seriously and fel pressure and work hard for it. Brilliant.

Found out today too that the panel at the conference today is apparently 'very strong' (not anything to do with me - more the esteemed company of very famous professors I am with!) and so they may produce an edited volume, with contributions from presenters (me!) and other peeps afterwards. So really am very likely to get published! Brilliant, brilliant.

Hmm am sleepy. Am going to make some comfort food for dins (fish, chips and beans!) and basically do very, very little.

Oh, also a lecturer lady at uni who I have a very good email relationship with lives just up the road and has suggested we meet up for a drink sometime. This is great, I reckon we would really get on - sadly though it would have to be coffee and a piece of cake! Secretly though I am completely relieved to have a reason not to drink - the hangovers were just too awful. Anyway, it will be very nice to hopefully make a friend - and a Uni friend at that who has a sense of humour. About bleedin' time!

Oh! Its a bank holiday this weekend! Arses, I am working. :0(

x J

Marnin'

Ah ha! A normal morning at last - didn't wake up until 8.30 haha! And didn't get up till gone 9. Phew for that! Had lots of sleep (still super weird dreams) and feel much better today.

I don't know quite what was up yesterday other than just being very tired and sort of feeling a bit like I wanted Uni to go away and leave me alone for a bit. But I have no reason to go to Uni or have any urgent communications with anyone until Tuesday so I shall take a deep breath, relax, and nestle into my foxhole with my books and cups of tea and hibernate.

I had a lovely email from Sup yesterday about the abstract I handed in (I cced him on the admission email to his colleague) saying 'Well done Mum'. WOOOO! :D This is ace a) because no one has called me Mum yet and so obviously it is rather exciting; b) it shows how lovely he is and that I needn't worry about being preggers as long as I work hard; and c) he read my abstract and liked it! How brilliant and what a relief. He doesn't give out praise lightly so it means a lot. Also, I handed in the abstract without getting him to check it first mainly because I had a very tight deadline to get it in and also because I just felt that it was something I should do independently - let go of the reins a bit: this is my PhD after all so I must be confident that I have *something* to say. But still, it was horrible reading my abstract at the end of everyone elses really well worded and complicated sounding ones. I was quite embarrassed but if he thinks is worth a 'well done' then it must be a-ok.

Hurray!

Well, I feel much more alert and able to concentrate today - plus I now have a new deadline of wanting to get this methodology chapter out of the way asap so I can write the chapter that the presentation will come from. The conference is not until October - over DBs Birthday actually. I have never not been there for his beeday! This is sad and also, it will be the worst day EVER for me - London, presentation, conference, working bla bla. I will have to get my lovely girlies to takle me out for dins afterwards (will be 7 months gone by then. Eek!). And I said to DB that it may be good cause he can go to Cornwall and get really drunk with all his friends without worrying about his pregnant girlie being sober and tired with fat ankles and a baby that hates loud music and crowds (well, the crowd bit would be me at that stage I presume). So it would be the last blow-out before being a Dad and therefore maybe it is good I am otherwise engaged. Whatever happens DB has told me to defo do the conference and said he was really proud of me. Love that boy.

Off to read! Muchos reading!

x J

PS

I am doing the conference - I have found out already (lecturer in my Dept seems to be organising it) and I in some fairly intimidating company looking at the panels! It is also in October so that's ok - miles away and will be visibly pregnant so no one can be mean to me ;0)

Also, I realised I haven't been really lazy today, I have been busy doing 'bitty' stuff like organising meetings and emailing about this article which does mean I have had time to be on facebook too, but not so much time to do 'reading' work. So I am not so bad.

DB is very proud of me for doing my first conference. In normal life we would get drunk now! So what do I do instead?! Allow myself to watch tv without feeling like a big ol' slacker that's what - cause it's only 5pm.

I am sincerely terrifed about this conference already. I re-read my abstract along with everyone elses (professors here, senior lecturers there) and swear it reads like a child wrote it compared to everyone else. And I imagine they think a child DID write it, for 'tis not original! Tis the work of a monkey!

Eeek! Walk away from the computer, away from the computer.

Till tomorrow!

x J

A mixed bag, really

Today has been a strange old day. I did some reading this morning then checked my emails and an offer to write an abstract for a paper for a big ol' conference in August came from my Sup.

Anyone knows that Sup's don't 'offer' but rather couch their demands in such democratic language, so I dutifully wrote off an abstract in about an hour and sent it in! All done! My sup and several other members of staff are also presenting at this conf so I think I will be accepted... Which is great because I may actually get something published!!! In an international journal! But awful because I will have to do a presentation :0(

I hate presenting - eveyone does really don't they. I suppose I will have bean to keep me company, it will only be for an hour and I will work so darned hard to make sure the paper is watertight. It is only an oipnion fter all, and if peeps don't like it that's ok. I am sure my Sup won't let me go with the poorest paper in the world anyway.

Another niggle is will we all go in convoy?! Ug that would be awful, like hanging out with your managers (I know, I do see them as colleagues but, hmm, we don't 'hang out'). This makes me worried. But it is ages away so I shall just chill for now. At least the idea came to me pretty fluently and I should be writing/have written the chapter that the paper would be dealing with by then so will be far more organised. And would have got India out of the way. I may even enjoy it... !!

I have to confess that I had a micro nap for about 10 minutes this afternoon. Other than the reading this morning and the blitz of activity on the paper I have been quite rubbish. Oh I also organised a meeting with a guy who has come back from doing his fieldwork in Columbia, apparently he may be able to offer me some insights on how to go about my work in India...
I had a think and concluded that maybe I am coming down from quite a huge week - finding out I am pregnant, telling DB, my Ma and my Sup and going to docs etc. Now there is nothing pressing for me to do but wait and maybe the general relief is hitting home today. Anyway, my concentration levels are poor and I make no sense.

Tomorrow, I will do LOTS! Fighting fit!

x J

Early bird

Don't want no worm. So there. Toast and eggs and bacon will do though?

I was up at 8am this morning. Shocking. Have been faffing and enjoying starting the morning slowly and am now enjoying a coffee and checking (writing) emails. Getting up early (and being awake with it) is brilliant! It is so quiet and peaceful outside, the light is lovely and there is so much time to chill before starting work. I love it!

Today I am reading and I don't think I am going out at all... I went for my long walk yesterday and I don't think Bean was best impressed. I am not going out today then, and will use the time to read for HOURS instead.

I have a very important edited economics book to read that has a *lot* of good essays in it that I am going to skim read to get the gist of their arguments. I think this will take me most, if not all, of the day. If I get this book out of the way today I will be really pleased actually. I have until Tuesday to read about 8 books which doesn't seem like many but they are so important. As long as I am reading a lot and working hard I can't get too upset if I don't manage it, but I should finish this book today. Hopefully the sun will be out later and I can sit out for a bit and get a break! I think I will work on Sunday this weekend.

Am really getting back into my PhD. I don't know but I think being pregnant, finally (have been wanting to have a baba for about 5 years now!), makes me feel content and happy and like everything - including (especially?) work - has more of a point to it. Rather than being something I do for 'pleasure' (and so when it isn't giving me any I resent it and want to do something else) it is also functional - I need to finish this work before my baby comes so I can relax as much as possible then, and also need to finish it so I can make a life for my family and be a good role model. And I am just happier, really.

Right, on with the reading...

x J

Good day... again!

Today was a very busy day! I am very motivated which is great :0)

This morning I went to the Nursey to register with the docs, then brilliantly was able to make an appt to se the doc about being with child for half an hour later! So had that chat, she made up how pregnant I am (despite me trying to tell her the actual dates but anyway...) and has organised for me to have a dating scan and to meet the midwife who shall be looking after me throughout. Will get a letter about when these appts are but should be in about two weeks! Coooooool.

Workwise I was unable to start much before 12.30, then worked until 3.30 when I went out for a long walk - well, wasn't meant to be long. Took an hour, and when I came back I worked until 6 - I got too hungry to work any more! Lots of salad and tuna pasta bake later I am zonked and playing around for the evening while DB watches the footie. Early to bed for me tonight I think.

I did manage to do the work I aimed to achieve today, and a bit more actually. Tomorrow is another day of continuous reading. I want to see about going for a swim but exercising takes so much out of me I might give it a miss for now and just hide indoors and get on with this reading.

Oh, I found out that a good friend of ours is pregnant too today! Yay! They live near London which is not much good but are from Cornwall so am sure our bumps will meet in the summer!

Am dreading India again. :0( grrrrrrrr. Fieldwork is supposed to be fun! Why do I hate it so much?!! Anyway, it is only for three weeks. I should just get over it.

x J

Up early again

Was up easily at half eight this morn, with a lie-in actually! What is happening to me?!

Having weighed myself over these past few days I am unnerved at how quickly the scales are going up so am on a healthy eating plan from now until Sat, when I will reward myself with some nasty food in front of Britains Got Talent. I am going to deal with my massive hunger by eating little and often and not dipping into the biscuit/sausage roll/crisps barrel. I am craving sweet or fatty stuff though so shall have a biccy or half a doughnut (I bought yesterday!) to calm self down at the end of the day. Is such a pain, normally I would ignore it and be very strict but being hungry is Bean telling me it needs energy and also the hunger is just *vile* - proper shaking and can't concentrate which is no good for work. Well, have had a grapefruit for brekky and will continue in this fruit and veg-laden vein!

I have the Nursey to register at the docs at half ten, should take about five minutes and then hope to get my first docs appt for baba. I am reading the parts of the manuscript that I need to - being quite ruthless really. If a sentence isn't going into my head then I move on. I have a phenomenal amount of reading to do in a week! Last night I worked until 7.30... After nursey I shall go for a brisk half hour walk around the canal, then come home, eat a piece of toast (!will be starving by then) and then sit and work for a couple of hours until about 1.30. Will whizz through this manuscript then have some lunch and come back and work until 7.30 again. Is footy on tonight so may work this evening and give DB the tele. Or may just read and go to bed early!

So that's my plan!

I am so glad my Sup has given me a serious deadline - am so motivated now I have some pressure. No pressure, no result.

Oh! Sup told me yest that it is common in the Viva to be asked what you want to do with your PhD. I don't like this question as I sincerely lack any ambition! I suppose I want to work for an NGO or charity in Cornwall, doing policy and you know, important work organising people and the motivations of the charity or helping peeps... Or working for the council in policy (boring), or working for myself being an 'artisan' and writing. And being a Mum. Somehow, I think these answers fall short of what is expected of me - I think for Uni only academia or the spires of Westminster beckon. And Sup has helped me so much -I am unbelievably priviledged right down to the references I will get when I finish - really big names in my field. But I have a family to think of and DB really wants to go to Cornwall where we will have support and family and can all be settled, and my Mum actually wants to move there too. Would be great! And I can work for a charity and also be a Mum and artisan! Woo!

BUT... didn't I ought to 'use' this amazing opportunity to work for lots of money in a posh office in London?! Moving and shaking?!

Nope. I *hate* London. Hate, hate, hate. Never. I don't even want to visit ever again and it's where all my dearest friends live!

Cornwall, green fields, and a lovely job with cool people and no fancy clothes but a lot of responsibility. All our friends... Some of whom also have families... Ahhh. Sounds good to me. Though I would have to be prised out of the lovely cottage and village I live in now. I love it!

x J

Mixed reaction...

I am back! And I am alive! Just about...

Was a very productive meeting - and was actually a meeting so I did 'fess up... Straight away actually, I made the mistake of proclaiming how tired I was when I got in and he asked why that might be then - and so I dropped the bomb with a lot of lip chewing and big apologetic eyes. He just said 'Ah...' and we started talking about what we were going to do about the work, timewise and he did let me know that apparently I am his pride and joy (!!?! yay!) and that he is waiting until I get my PhD to retire... He is about 70 and it is a great source of joy for me that he isn't going to retire on me, but a massive source of pressure that I am the reason he isn't retired yet! Apparently much against his wife's wishes! SOOOO if I wanted some motivation I have got bags of it now. Poor Sup, I can't be rubbish and make him wait years to retire. He must have been eyeing up next Sept like the finishing line of the race... except now I have added at least six months to it! God; actually, I feel awful.

The most scary thing is that he wants me, not entirely unreasonably, to have my first draft done by xmas (and baba - coming on 21 Dec as my most recent guestimate). My FIRST DRAFT. DONE. Oh. My WORD. I have got sooooooo much work to do! About 60,000 words?!! But it is a good thing really, and he said that too - it is good to have a strong deadline to work for and it is such a deadline that I have been missing these past few months. So I now have a *lot* of pressure, a *lot* of work and, happily, a baba at the end of it.

Bad news though - have to go to India really. Just for a couple of weeks (will go for a month, may as well make something of it, I don't hate it that much) to tidy up ends and just do a follow up visit. I just *need* to. And so I will - with DB, and this time LB!! :D It will be a month, I will actually look forward to it I think and being there can get a tan and chill a bit and do lots of work. It will be cool (well, super hot actually).

Oh my god, he said that he is going to organise my 3rd monitoring meet (basically the 'you're nearly done' meeting) for the end of the year too. So I really am finishing! This is the Year! Righty, am on it. First, organise when likely to be fit to go to India; second read books, read, read, READ! Finish reading in three weeks - 18 May, then write! Write, write write.

I really wouldn't be surprised if this tacker is soothed when it's born by the sounds of me reading Foucault or debating different fieldwork methods. 'Post modernism' will be its first words (if it's wise it will say 'stay away from post-modernism, you know no one likes it'...) Poor mite.

x J

Big Day

Today is a big day. For one, I am leaving the house; for two I am going into Uni to tell Sup I am, inconveniently, with child.

I am sure that anyone reading this is probably actually doing so from their educational establishment, but I never go to mine! I have been away and grieving and la la la for the last term, then was in India... and before that missed a term planning for India and writing a chapter for my transfer-to-PhD meet. I just don't know how anyone has the time to go in and listen to a reseach group discuss peacemaking amongst aborigines in south western Australia unless it is them doing the talk - and therefore the research. I just don't like wasting my time like that but I also know that being there is all about 'contributing to the research environment'. I go in when it's relevant, when I need to see Sup, when I need to go to the Lib and er... no other reason. The library is actually doing a trial where you can eat and drink in it so *may* start using it more as a place to work. Main reason I never did before is because the idea of sitting for hours with no water or snack is miserable, then having t pack *everything* up just to go to the loo or get a drink... Actually, it is a bad idea, don't go.

So today I have lots of jobs - putting cheques in bank (in my name but actually for DB booo), getting better and more relevant books out of the library (a sign of progress woo!), and seeing my Sup to pick up the manuscript. Am going to play it by ear about whether I spill about my bean today or not - if he is short of time and a bit frazzled then perhaps best to keep schtum and arrange to see him next week or something - ostensibly to talk about work. If he is chilled and asking q's and we are having a relaxed convo then I shall bring it up. I think I am more likely to bring it up than not because he always has time for me and we get on well so don't know why he would want to kick me out asap. Plus, we haven't had a catch up since early March... So I am sure he will want to know how my work is going and my plans in general... Actually I am not completely nervous about it - more looking forward to getting it off my chest and working out how to move forward without India. Then I can really get into the work and also, the pregnancy. Atm I know I am not going to India but am quite worried about how to do my PhD well without it. I know there is a way, just not sure what it is...

Wish me luck!

x J

Goodo

Everything is ok. Deep breath. woooo.

Have been super busy today and just realised I am not any more... Phew! Well, I have some dinner to make - veggie soup or sommat equally healthy!

Today I reviewed that article, finished that about 11... tidied the house a *lot*, organised lots of expenses and found reciepts etc for uni (for ESRC funding - totally spoilt I know) and did lots of work trying to work out how not to go to India - then realised it was fairly futile until I had spoken to Sup. I am sure he will know more than me and together we can work it out - just having ideas will do for now. Now is not the time for trying to produce real plans.

Then I realised I was going nuts so we went out for a cup of tea (would have been cider in the olden days - i.e. a week ago...), did more organising for tomorrow, finding books to take to the library and organising my reading list, found a gym to join to keep us healthy, and am now writing this.

Lots of work! Am quite stressy today and probably a bit of a bossy nightmare to be around. Is very annoying but I just can't help it! Now I am doing my favourite thing - vegging with the internet in front of a marathon of come dine with me... Didn't get to do any reading outside because a) too busy and b) sun disappeared. Boooooo.

Hope your weekends were lovely!
x J

Great!

Today, despite it being Sunday and working, is a great day.

I am finding, in my nascent pregnancy, that I am going to bed much earlier and, also strangely, getting up earlier - earlier every day so that this morning I was up and about by 8.10am!! Now, anyone who has read this blog for more than a week would know this is most uncharacteristic of me in my most urgent of working situations - let alone a SUNDAY!! So I am up, have done my web-browsing and am now reviewing a journal article for this fabulously famous journal as a last minute favour for my Sup. He needed it reviewed, I stuck my neck out and have been assured it will be great a) for his favour and b) for my career (yay!), and am going to do it now so it would have been in my hands for less than a day. He will be very happy with me and then I can drop the bombshell on him tomorrow but having proved I am still more than capable of working hard - and on a Sunday at that. And a very sunny Sunday!

I am so happy. Am glowing and happy, no sickness and lovely pinky cheeks (even if I do say so myself). I swear he would know when he saw me anyway; I am surprised people don't come up and go 'Oh my WORD - you have just found out you are going to be a Mum - look how rosy you look!' Better than all those darned face creams (I say now - we shall see tomorrow when I am looking down at the porcelain eh?!!)

Anyway, am off to review this article, then will watch the end of the Wire episode I zonked out in front of last night (it *was* 11.30. Ahhh, on a Saturday night! Poor DB, he probably wonders where is night-owl drinking buddy has got to...), will read the bits of paper I missed yesterday, read about being pregnant again, make some mosh and then try not to give into my enormous desire to sort out the garden asap. (I have no money to sort out any garden. Not even a broom to sweep it with! ;0( - Oh, Oh - I shall go on freecycle that I joined and see what is on there! wooty! I love virtual shopping). Then this avo I shall read Foucault in the garden and make a roast dinner using the leftover chicken for Friday night. Ahhhhhhhh...
Have a lovely Sunday all!

x J

What a good day!

Shame is there is still so much to do! It is so frustrating when you have a good day of work but all you see around you is more and more and still you know nothing...

I didn't manage to read as much as I hoped because I totally forgot I had offered to review an article for the journal my Uni hosts! Took all morning doing that - it looked so promising so I thought 'Oh! how easy, lovely' and then realised the author had missed a whole swathe of literature that would have given their arguments some nous and thoughtful justification. So that was annoying as had to read it rather hard and make my comments worthwhile. Good article on the whole though. Is good doing things like that, gets me out of my headspace and sometimes, just sometimes, makes me feel like I may actually be learning something in all these years!!

I then finished the book that has been the Book of Forever, and started a new, small easy read one of Foucault's which is proving to be very inspirational, methodology-wise. I am trying to re-jig my PhD at the mo too to maybe try and cut out another trip to India. I am not sure how to do this or even if it is at *all* posible. I shall go to my Sup on Mon and confess, and then tell him that I can go for 6 weeks tops and do a whirlwind survey-style research, or stay back at home and do a more theoretical style piece, though how to do without any voices of aid-recipients will take some imagination. Which is where, hopefully, the learned brain of my Sup comes in! Ahhh, poor sup - he probably thinks I am all sorted. But no :0( I hope he isn't too cross.

Tomorrow I am going to try and take the day off. Well, actually, I am going to try not to feel too guilty taking the day off. I think I shall work if I want to - this book I have is pretty easy going and really, actually, interesting. But however interesting it is, it is still always work!! Sun I shall defo do some reading and Monday morn I shall fret and try and read and work out what on earth I may know now that I didn't last time I saw my Sup. I have to keep remembering though that actually this is not a scheduled meeting but for me to go and pick up a manuscript. Maybe it won't even be appropriate for me to drop my bombshell then! He may be in the middle of a meeting! I forget this, silly me. Well, having more time to work out plans B and C won't be a bad thing! But if he asks me q's and we are sat down, I shall spill.

I reckon I shall actually have this chapter done by the middle of May. I shall read for one more month, then write up my ideas. I think that should suffice. Especially now I am actually working and not being hungover all the time ;0P Only 6 weeks late then.

I am roasting a chicken. Being with child makes one completely starving. It is very hard not to put on weight (says I, of three whole days of knowing. Although the hunger is what made me suspicious!) so I have bought low fat stuff and loads of food to make at home instead of getting lovely, buttery, fried or sugary stuff out... Arg. Other than that I have been *loving* being pregnant today! Haven't been so tired as yesterday, or so emotional. Yesterday I cried in co-op because DB said I didn't ought to eat a sausage roll because I had fish and chips the night before, and I got upset because I thought wanting a sausage roll when I shouldn't was indicative of my future skills as a mum: seriously lacking. Today though I have been a very worky happy chappy.

Have good weekends all!

x J

Might as well come clean...

And admit that I found out this week that I am pregnant!

Lord it has been quite a couple of days. Little Bean (LB) is quite a surprise, I don't know how it managed to come to exist seeing as we are not trying but it does and so we are running the gamut of feelings from stunned shock, to worry and fear, to tentative and then outright happiness! I am thrilled now; I was crying a lot yesterday and very worried about my PhD and my Sup's reaction but told my Ma and she was very lovely and excited and calmed me down a lot. She told me that what is done is done and a) we will all work around it; b) everything generally works out for the best and; c) just enjoy every minute of it.

So I am! After that convo I decided to allow myself to be pleased and have been a beaming preggers lady since!

Workwise, I managed some reading yesterday as I posted, and today I was up early (early to bed for me now you see, and no hangover days! So twice the output of pre-pregnancy!) and have been busy letting family and friends know (coming out of the closet so to speak) and writing this and then I shall work like a deamon!! I have a lot to prove now you see, and a LOT of ground work to get down before December when LB arrives.

I don't know what to do about India. That has been my main obstacle to true elation about LBs surprise appearance. Damn this PhD, sometimes it really does rule my life - when you can't be happy about a baby you have been dying to have for years because of your stupid PhD you know you have a problem. !! but that is what a PhD has to be - your life. Well, it still is - I need it to build a life for my family! And I will complete to be a good role model for LB. But I wonder how long it will take? I am seeing my Sup on Monday to pick up a manuscript. I will do a lot of reading for then (and have some time off for weekend), scratch out an outline of my thoughts/direction, and have to come clean - even though it is ridiculously early days. It isn't even a foetus yet! But I think the earlier the better and then we all know where we stand and I respect him so much, I need to be honest. I just hope to god I don't cry. My ma, DB and friends are really *not* keen for me to go to India because it made me so ill, and will be so hot, and I can only go in a very short window because of flying and also I can't be showing - being unmarried and preggers where I will be will not be cool - and before you say it, I can't pretend, ethics and making friendships to get info and all that. I would have to make up a whole lie of our wedding (Indian peeps are really interested in family and stuff!! Not all reserved like English peeps!). Anyway, my charity peeps know we aren't married. It would be horrible - and I don't want to be waddling around in that heat and getting food poisoning anyway.

So what to do?! My PhD is going to need a serious overhaul but this may even be a *good* thing and mean I can focus it on a more theoretical and abstract bent, rather than using empirical evidence which I am not very good at getting. Or even necessarily agree with, all that 'data-mining' - there could now be a lot of room to entertain thoughts that otherwise I have had to squash to just get 'on' with doing empirical research... Or I could even ask Kuna in India to help me carry out a remote survey - this may be better than me doing it myself as he knows his peeps and how to ask things and what to ask etc! Lots of options, I just have to organise them and present them to my Sup so he knows I am still capable of thought and completing.

So there we are.

Today I am:
* drinking a lot of water
* trying to keep away from the corner shop and its wonderful crisps and chocolate
* and reading a LOT.

Bye then!

x J
(and 5 week old LB! (at a vague guess))

Yaya!

Despite today being as strange as yesterday, I have done work!

I worked for about three hours, which doesn't sound like much but actually was very productive - I have nearly finished this huge tome I have had to read EVERY chapter of, and which has taken me a week to do. So many notes, so much information, but it does form the bedrock of my methodological direction so is all useful. It is just so satisfying to be able to close a book and start a new one - you start to really feel the benefits then. Opening the *same* book every day is just darned depressing. I shall finish this book tomorrow, hopefully by lunchtime, and then start another - I hope to have got through another two by the end of tomorrow (chapters/essays of, not whole books - that would just be silly!)

This weekend I shall work on one afternoon, maybe two if I can't help myself, otherwise I am taking it OFF and relaxing, to come back on Monday with verve and new vigour! Am in Uni Monday avo to see my Sup, by which time I hope to know something, so wil prob spend sun avo/mon am trying to form some opinions on something and a skeleton idea of my methdology... Then I will have five weeks to finish reading and start writing.

Ain't gonna happen is it?!

Ug, less of that.

Laters!
x J

Er...

Well yesterday didn't quite work out as expected because I had some personal news which was quite shocking and took all my attention for the day. I did manage an hour though!

Today I will concentrate much better. I thought I had to go in a see my Sup today but he has given me the option of Monday instead which is far better for me - it means I can do some speed reading over the weekend and go in sounding like I have learnt something over the past month or two. (I haven't, as we all know).

I didn't even get round to making my naff lanterns :0( Today though, today! I did go for a jog thought! Lovely two mile jog along the canal, and back around the river.

Am meeting the friend I organised a social date with tonight and sods law I am really not in a sociable mood!!

Must Work.

Laters
x J

Good Day so far - long may it last!

No, I haven't done any work yet BUT today is still a good day!

Today is also very important because it is the First Day of the Rest of my Life. I have no pressing, mahousive social engagements, (thank GOD), have decided to knock binge drinking on the head, and am putting work as my main priority (no change there then, except I shall start doing some).

So why is today a good day? For a start I woke up all rested, thinking it must be about 9.45 and it was a happy 8.30am! I got up and everything, which is unheard of in my world (am not a morning person). And so I have cleaned more of my house, washed more bedding and made some Mosh and coffee. And checked emails and am now raring to go.

ALSO
I reached my post-India healthy goal weight today. I am no longer classed as 'undernourished'! Which means I have to stop eating so much but this is good because today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life, which also means healthy - and moderate - eating. No more chocolate/crisp binges, no more man-size portions. And lots of exercise! Three times a week at least! I am really glad to have made it to this weight - I didn't want to necessarily but now I have I know it is time to seriously look after myself before putting any more on! So it all fits neatly together.

The sun is shining! I have the window open, it is glorious. None comes in my room, but whatever.

I just had an email from one of the friends I asked out yesterday and he says he is in toon tomorrow even' with a buddy from my Dept! So he will text me on his way to the pub (will be on soft drinks! No booze for me, I am quite serious) and I shall see him, be sociable, and meet someone from my Dept who lives in my village! And his friend is someone who I know can help me with my field work. Excellent! What a good day!

Righty, I shall work until 12pm. Then I shall skip downstairs and make some tea and see how my homemade lanterns are doing... (Apparently if you wash and de-label some tin cans, then fill with water, put them in the freezer and take out the next day you should be able to hammer in (with a hammer and nail) some pretty holes which then make a lovely lantern. To be honest it looks like a tin with ice in it for the mo, but maybe it will look better with the holes... and a candle. Not convinced, watch this space.)

So, work it is. As I said yesterday, no radio, no bouncing up except to go to the loo, no internet. Just me and my book - and some firmly gritted gnashers.

x J

Motivation

Against my long-term judgement of self-help books, I have bought Joan Bolker's book 'Writing your dissertation in 15 minutes a day'. Apparently it is really nice and easy-reading, and helps you get back into work after a break away (perfect!) and gives wee tips and tricks to help a person who cannot think for themselves any more, think.

I really hope it works, and will let you know! Any useful tidbits I shall pop in my 'quote of the mo' slot too!

I have decided that today I shall put down as a holiday day, and tomorrow I shall sit down to work in earnest. Well, kind earnest. I shall make myself sit, without radio, for an hour and then can do something if I want. This way I will get some momentum up with the work; the hardest thing is to stop my compulsion to keep bouncing out of my seat whenever something vaguely pressing enters my consciousness. I must stay put and read! This is what I did last week and I ended up working really, really well!

I have also asked my Sup when he would like to see me next (sometime this week I think) and also put out feelers with a couple of Uni friends that I have not yet seen since coming back from India (I have sen no one yet!). Feeling a bit out of the PhD loop - like I made the whole qualification and work necessary for it up in order to give myelf something to 'do'. Yes, sometimes it really is that alienating!

x J

Mmmmmmmmmmm...

Ok, I have to confess, I wrote three words today and read one sentence. Other than that I cleaned my whole house, washed any clothes I could see, changed my bedding, vacuumed, ate leftover curry and two packets of crisps and finished off my easter chocolate.

So, all in all, I have been rather productive.

Marathon trainig starts tomorrow, though I cannot find a regime online that starts earlier than 16 weeks so think I may being a bit organised. I shall train to run 10 miles for August methinks. First of all though I should get my arse in gear and sit and work again. I think it is just because today is the first day back, I am always always slack on my firest day after a break.

Tomorrow I shall work! Yeah!

x J

Monday! Well, Tuesday :0P

Hallo!

I am late! A whole day late; DB and I didn't make it back from London until yesterday afternoon... We were meant to come back on Sunday but we didn't actually get to bed on Saturday night, and then Sunday morning when I expect we should have been catching some z's a load of friends called to say they were heading to the canal to drink lager in the sunshine like bums. So we had to go for the sheer unadulterated hedonism of it all. So there we sat, teachers, managers, and PhD students all, and drank Bud at half ten of the am by the canal, being total tramps and watching really lovely, clean people running past us on their morning jog... And I made a resolution to run the marathon which is probably one of the only things I remember saying the that day and it's actually true! I really am going to try. Too early to try and enter yet, but I am there! My run on Friday was so lovely I want more of it - I managed four miles and hardly broke a sweat! I never realised what an immese difference not having any hills makes. I have never done a long run without a torturous hill in it and they are knackering in comparison.

So we drove back yesterday and ate some curry and mini eggs (consecutively, not together) and I was fast asleep in front of David Starkey's lovely soothing voice on the tele, at 9pm. I have woken up this morning nothing more than a bit dopey and am most looking forward to getting into some lovely reading!

And the sun is shining! It has shone relentlessly for DAYS! What is this? This is not the Yorkshire weather I have come to know and resent!

So, on to work! I am so happy because for the first time since getting home in feb I have *nothing* planned for the forseable future. No visits or being visited, nada. Just WORK. Phew! I need to do a *lot* of work!

x J

Working!

I am working now. Lots of reading to do. Will try and drag self out for a run at lunchtime and then come back and do more reading!

Pizza and chips for tea tonight. Yay!

Staying out of DBs way - we are getting on each others nerves today.

I have yellow nails from cooking curry last night. Charming!

x J

Good Day

Ah, today has been good! I only managed to read one chapter but it was a very important one and full of info that I have been worried about since being in India!

It is starting to make me fear going back to complete my fieldwork less... Which is qute an achievement. And is giving me a structure and framework within which to think and plan my actions for work in India. What a relief! All the issues I had about how to approach people in India, how to place myself in the research, and all the criticisms I hold about development work - while I was in the thick of it and, therefore, a horrible hypocrite - carrying all these worries around like guilty baggage has been addressed and rationalised in this one chapter. I am also building up a great reading list to continue these thoughts and avenues of exploration. For the first time in ages I feel like I actually own my work, and am like a proper PhD student.

Only downfall is that I keep forgetting that tomorrow is Friday! I keep thinking I still have two full days of work before the weekend but I don't. Oh well, is only of pyschological import.

Fantastically as well, today I found a pottery course that is just up the road! And it is affordable! That would be fabulous! BUT it starts on Monday! Will I have time to join? I dunno - am going to London on Saturday for a friend's birthday barbecue which threatens to be an all-dayer at the pub (threatens?! Who am I kidding - *will* be) and should be driving back up on Sunday but have made provisions to maybe stay on Sun if too hungover/drunk to drive. Anyway, it may not come off but I hope it does! Would be brilliant, such a great anecdote to work.

So that's me. Finally, finally, me and work are getting on again. I am also starting to feel that I have routine as well - I work in the week and then I have the weekend off. This is because this is what I have been doing! Been able to do too - am not off getting engaged/having beeday parties/moving house/grieving any more. So as I settle down I hope to become soooo much more productive and start to enjoy life more, instead of trying to settle down constantly!

Deadline day 1 June... I feel very confident that I will have something to say. I feel so much like this reading will spread its tenticles and create my methodology: the theoretical guidelines needed to help me order my thoughts, inform my ethics, choose methods, influence and justify how I interact and present myself in India, and how I finally analyse my data. EXCELLENT!!!!

:0)))

x J

Thursday again!

It's always Thursday!

Yesterday I worked pretty well - not for as long as I thought, about three hours consecutively, but really intensely and had to stop before my brain exploded and my hand fell off. Speaking of which, I have to go out and get some more paper at some point today. Arg, what a pain. Work is going well though for now, this book I am reading is fabulous for my work and is getting me all motivated and interested - and confident - again.

Today I shall carry on reading... I think I will have a cup of coffee and read the papers etc, and then have a shower and so start work at probably around 11am. I will work until 1pm, then have lunch and go and find some A4 paper, then work again from about 3pm until 6/7. Am steadily making my days longer. Am starting to feel the deadline now - I have 6 weeks to go before I have to hand in quite a lot of writing that should vaguely represent my methodology chapter! Eek!

I did my first bit of gardening ever yesterday! I was *so* excited to have some compost! (oh dear.) Only Asda cheapie (hate Asda, poor quality fish, poor quality meat, poor quality veggies. Great freezer food though. Never thought I would miss crappy Morrisons) but hopefully it will be ok for now... And I made three plants out of my supermarket basil. Apparently they will last for months!! Wooty! I am babysitting them on my kitchen windowsill and so far they haven't showed any death signs.

The weather is *manky* today. I like it!

Better get on with my coffee and shower!

x J

Yesterday was great! Now for another one!

Yesterday was great on the work front! I didn't really settle until after lunch but then worked all through until 7pm! I was very chuffed.

Maybe it was because I turned the radio off... and I had no DB downstairs making a racket either (well, not fair because he is usually pretty quiet!). But I read an entire chapter AND it was all about the theories I am confuddled about and so sorted my head out a treat. So had to have a glass of wine of course... and then some pizza (home pizza so not too evil). And I didn't exercise... So out of the 4 daily goals I have of eating well, drinking lots of water, exercising and working I managed to drink lots of water and work well. So not toooo bad. Today I will do better!

I was going to go to Uni today to get some reading done but this book is so good am just going to plough through it for now... I will prob go in next week - my Sup is back next week and has some reading for me which I am excited about. (?!)

Luckily slept a lot last night so no red wine hangover. Raring to go. Let me at 'em!

x J

Brainwave!

Yesterday, I had a brainwave!

I realised that I should stop trying to funnel myself into one part of work/author etc and should open up and do whatever feels good. At the moment an eclectic mix of theory, practical fieldwork methods and development texts seems best! And so I shall go to the Uni lib tomorrow and get a mixture of books. They are all to do with my methodology chapter, but are a mix instead of having a focus on theory for a month, then fieldwork methods etc. I am so worried about going back to India and not being able to do the work - not wanting to do the work - that reading a bit about how to do fieldwork for my work would be invaluable for my nerves and imagination and also will tie into my understanding of my theoretical lens etc. This makes my work much more interesting again, and much less of an academic chore.

Phew!

Today I am drinking water, detoxing (from copious amounts of snacks and chocolate), reading and going for a run. I think - I actually feel very tired today and may just do the healthy eating thing to start with. One step at a time!

x J

Chocolate Day!

Happy chocolate day all!

I have/am having the most fabulous day - have been out and climbed a massive hill in the sunshiney natural wilderness - and currently have a quiet moment while cooking our roast lamb (with lots and lots of garlic and rosemary!) Easter dins so thought I would post a catch up!

DB and I had a bit of a chat about my work last night and I surprised myself with how down I am about it all. I don't really care about my topic any more, or my discipline, and don't see myself pursuing it as a full-time, full-on career after I have completed. It may be symptomatic of a rough patch when work is boring and uninspiring but generally at the mo the idea of a quiet life, working for a charity, doing pottery at home and art in my spare time and being a writer (want to write more than anything!) and a Mum is what I want. The idea of a full time highy-flying career using my PhD and travelling the globe, doing development work or policy or research does not appeal to me at all. I dunno. It is strange. But I do love my work, my research most of the time - I don't know where this lack of interest comes from. I love thinking about it and working out abstract notions of relationships etc. I just don't reality and nitty-gritty! Silly really.

I also realised that I am definitely going to finish this PhD, and must think more about how I am doing this for *myself*, not for my Sup or DB or whoever and so deadlines should also be for myself, not for someone else. I think I have been putting myself under pressure imagining what my Sup must be thinking of me having not handed in any new chapters yet, which ends up being a nagging thought and feeling of failure - and totally counter-productive. So I will stop that and work for me, and as I get stuff done I will hand it in. So work should start flowing easier now. (I hope!) I also realised that perhaps, theoretically, I have been barking up the wrong theoretical tree with total conviction (again) and so have been more than daft. I forget so easily how flexible this PhD is, and that I need to be flexible and open to new ideas too to get the most out of it. I shall carry on reading about this theoretical direction, and some others, and shall probably end up with a hodge-podge that I am comfortable with (po-mo ideas tempered with critical theoretical authors methinks). And as I realise this I think it will be ok.

I am not really working today - well it is 5.30 already! These lighter, longer days are flummoxing me! I shall work tomorrow though and go for a run. I shall go to Uni on Wednesday I think, swap my books and get out other ones that are more relevant. I think it would also benefit me to stay in the library for a few hours and read through a stack of authors to do with different theoretical directions and see which grab me - speed reading of course - and take them home and make something of them. Aye. Maybe get a kiddies book on development theories too.

So much to learn! I wonder if I am spreading myself too thin and amongst too many disciplines. Atm I have to read literature on international relations of rmy literature review, theory, environmental security, India, humanitarianism, and now development. One could say it is too much! Arg, well development I only need to know enough to say why I did/didn't use a certain approach or know buzzwords. And environmental security is the same.

It all seems very, very daunting and just too BIG. I think it may be valuable to sit down and work out my niggles, write each one out and then deal with it, and make plans for each chapter or section of work I hope to do for the next few months. Not timelines, but plans of action which may make me feel more in control. Maybe I am asking too much of myself before I go out to India again and should just calm down and take it easier (work 'demand'-wise, not actual workwise, I couldn't take it much easier!! Maybe not get out of bed?!!) and then work will probably start flowing again and stop being in such a jam. You know, I think that is it! I shall cut out one of the things I have set myself to do before India and I think this will calm me down a lot. Woooooo! I feel better already!

Panic is soooo useless and, irritatingly, unavoidable (I find). And your stress levles, at a certain point, can be useful but beyond that you get plugged up and your mind becomes blocked and you just pace, pace, pace and can't see any way out. And then you do no work, get demotivated, feel out of your depth, and struggle to get back on the horse. Ug, this PhD is ridiculous!!

It will be OK. Whatever happens, everything nearly always works out to be OK. Not necessarily great, or even fine, but OK. Which sometimes is all you need.

x J

Rubbish

Today was rubbish. Well, it was a great day, but I did no work. Hardly anything at all. I am very distracted and suffering a serious lack of concentration. It is like I have ADD or something. I can sit still, but cannot read one thing for a long period of time. And I tell myself off but I don't really care. Plus the neighbour decided to play jazz at full blast which was quite offputting.

Tomorrow the landlord is coming round, I am going to go for a 4 mile run, and I am going to do four hours of good work - minus the radio. Yes, silence. It is my punishment for not concentrating. I have some work to do on the internet but will only allow myself an hour to do it, then will do three hours of book-learnin' in silent concentration. Then I will go for my run, then I will be free for the rest of the day (about 3pm onwards I estimate).

The problem is, I don't really care. The whole thing is so daunting and massive I don't know how I will finish it and any work I do feels so insignificant that I do kind of think, 'well, another day of nothing can't hurt in the grand scheme of things'. Which is total bullsh*t.

How can I make my work meaningful to me? I don't know how to get the spark and enthusiasm I used to have back. I used to be so good at working for myself and now I am rubbish, just skiving and not concentrating day after day. It is demoralising.

I must not give up. I must do some good work tomorrow and then I will feel in control again. I will go into Uni on Tuesday and swap some books for new ones - this usually makes me feel more grounded (being in Uni) and like I am moving forward (getting new books and discarding old, read ones - yes, I have read some!). I need a massive kick up the arse but I don't know how to get it - until I am told off and I can't let that happen!

I wonder how much of it is symptomatic of the saying that however long you have left to do your work, that is how long it will take to do. I worry that I won't take anything seriously until I am back from India and it is Jan next year - when I really am looking down the barrel. Why would I do that to myself though?

Completing a PhD, on time, is so very hard to do. I can see how people let it drag on and on. I wonder how many people actually do hand in on time?

bums!

x J

knackered

Arg I am so so so so tired!

Went out for a couple of pints o' pear cider and chatted excitedly about DBs new work opportunity in senior management, then came home and drank some cava and ale (hehe) and went to sleep at about 12.30am. Not a late one - and I managed to avoid the take away. I have to stop falling asleep in front of the Wire because I have horrible gangster dreams! Got up late this morn - DB is all super chilled and having the weekend off mostly! What is this?! Total and complete role reversal, and a chilled DB at home just does not happen! I am so torn between taking advantage of it and spending some time with him watching tv and being snuggly, and working as planned. I will have to have a happy medium which is why I didn't try and get up early this am, and why I am now working. Or reading wikipedia... I don't think that quite counts but it is a nice shortcut to info....

I'm so tired! Not hungover though - phew.

x J

Happy easter!

So to those of you who are reaching the end of their day and are taking the Easter break, congrats for being so organised and have lots of fun! For those who are working their way through this long, excitable holiday, commiserations and I too will be joining you.

Not for now though - DB got some fantastic work news today so I made him a celebratory lunch and now we are off out for some ale!! We shan't be going out on Easter Monday as planned as now he has work on the Tuesday so have decided to bring our celebration day forward... yay!

Today's round up:
* haven't done much work (any) but have worked out a knot of conceptual problems I had, quite by accident, and so it feels like I have done work
* Have been for a 3 mile run which was actually very pleasant

Off now. Don't let me eat a takeaway later, I always regret it the next day.

See you tomorrow!

x J

Grey skies, tidy house

That about sums up my morning so far! I got up at a very reasonable hour and opened the necessary windows on my laptop for academic development, sat down... and promptly got up again and went for a shower, moved plants around, made some mosh (porridge with cinnamon and honey como el gente de Guatemala) and coffee, ate it, checked all my emails, wrote emails, wrote a heading for work, checked my facebook, read the online paper and now am stuck so thought I should write my blog about how I am such a good worker.

Today definitely has a friday feel to it you know.

Work is going to go well today, I know it is. Which is probably why I have been able to wander round plumping cushions, vacuuming and taking down my beeday cards (at last). DB is out of the house so it is a good opportunity. He is relegated to working in the living room in front of the tele until he gets an office (not gonna happen) so me fussing round him would make him Very Angry Indeed.

What is not going to go so well today is my exercise club. I think I may fail spectacularly at being a regular person at this club. I really wanted to go and see people and exercise in new ways and stuff, but there are problems. One, I have only been once out of three opportunities so far. I am a compulsive skiver - if I have to be somewhere at a certain time and would rather watch tele (i.e. be able to get away with not going) I shan't go. It's a fact. I am also a compulsive exerciser, which means I go when I want to, as and when. This means I am currently not exercising when I would like to (this lunchtime for example - honestly, I really mean it, I want to go for a run) because I am saving it up for the certain evenings I am 'meant' to go. But I don't always feel like it and also, I wind down at half six on the whole. I just do - it is not in my nature to go haring around at 7pm. Another issue that I quite missed in my delight at super-PE classes is that I don't exercise to keep fit or for enjoyment - I exercise to burn calories. It is very scientific, I can't bear to be even two calories out. With exercise club I don't know how much I am burning and spend a lot of time standing round listening to instructions. I really loved it when I went but... If I exercised for a hobby it would be fine but I don't really. Oh, oh, oh! I see - it is me being the control freak again. I have to exercise in *my* way, because it is the best way for me. Lordy what am I like. I know as I write this that I am not going to go any more. I really would rather go for a run when DB gets back (hate taking my key out, drives me bonkers having to carry a stupid key and run). Then I would know I hve burnt 250kc on a 3 mile run, can plan my run out on tinternet and get dressed and be out before I have had too long to talk myself out of it. Then I come home all exhilarated, work until half six, make some dins and then watch tele - and relax. Last week as well my heart rate we still going like the clappers when I tried to go to bed at 10pm after the club. I get home at 8.10ish, then have to wash, cook dinner and an hour of tele and eating at 9pm (by which time am starving and overeat) and my metabolism is working full tilt, which is not wise when trying to sleep.

So there we are. But it is really good fun and I would like to meet people. But then that is part of the problem too - I am shy to meet people most of the time and today would rather be on my own, listening to the radio and enjoying the countryside then coming home and working. My world isn't so bad? I do want to meet other people but then on the other hand, I don't really like other people.

Well, work! Worky worky. I am reading around social theories and political/development theories to find my own unique lens through which to analyse my woik. Hopefully today should be a good day to answer some worries I have.

I ate my porridge two hours ago and am hungry already. What is this?! WHAT?! I just can't stop eating and am getting quite fat... Darned PhD.

x J

To be honest I really need a gym and a cross trainer. But are there any within walking distance? Or who don't want three months payment in advance? NOOOOO. Rubbish!

So that's my whine and guilty ducking-out of exercise club defence.

Endofday

I've given up, my brain has gone to sleep...

I have worked hard today though! Done lots of reading, so much so in fact I realised that it is taking me so long to read and get my head around because I don't actually like it! I didn't realise this! I am not keen on the purpose or terminology of this particular philosopher, or seemingly, philosophy. But I am confused about what to do... do I carry on reading about him or not? Do I stop and, thankfully, move on and research another philosopher and see if I like them, and get a general overview of the philosophy? Or just move on totally, and leave them all behind knowing I don't like it and will probably go back to post structural/modern ideas instead?! I feel at home with the latter, I understand the writings, the abstractions, the point (or happy lack of)... I enjoy reading about it/them. But in order to say why I enjoy the latter do I not have to know about the philosophies I don't like in order to say why I didn't use them?! Yes! Yes I do - but no more than that. I must remember what my Sup said aboutn research and to stop reading when you realise it is not directly relevant to the work. So I will read more of the other philosophers under this theory's umbrella and see if I like any of their foci and thoughts... if not, then I don't; if so then I can draw from them too. Ok, sorted that out, thanks for the chat.

I need to get to the library then. Hmm, next week I shall go and do a big book swap. In the meantime I shall go back to Foucault; good old, reliable, interesting, inconsistent Foucault and read some of his original stuff and interviews, then write up why I am using him. I really look forward to getting something down on paper!

Oh! I have great news for me as well - DB has decided not to go to cornwall! Yaya! I am soooo pleased, I will have an Easter chum and a lovely one at that. We have decided to work hard alllll weekend and then go out for frolicks and food on Bank Holiday Monday as a reward and join in the easter-ness. And then DB suggested having a tele-day where we shut the curtains, get in loads of schnaffles and watch DVDs all day! WOOO perfect! Won't happen because we really will be working all the time, but nice idea anyway.

I, as usual, am knackered. And so I bid you adieu until tomorrow, when I shall be reading Foucault. Or about postcolonial politics... I have so much to read it really makes me want to hide under the duvet.

x J

All good!

DB and I went to the pub last night and had a lovely time... didn't get to bed till late though, though wasn't really inebriated so today I am tired but otherwise raring to go!

I did some reading last night before going out and am just so confuddled by these books I have. I suppose there is no easy way to talk about this subject... So I plod on and that is my job today - re-reading.

I feel much better now I know I would be in the UK regardless of past events. I am also relieved in a way - coming back with months of information, having to analyse and order it all, having to spend time doing that and worrying about reading etc, having no home, no car... eek! I am also having weekly email contact with one of my contacts in Site One which is great, am learning about his life and he learns about mine and hopefully I can start asking more questions about my topic soon and start learning even though am not there...

I am also very happy that I have decided not to go away for Easter, but to be brave and grown-up and spend it on my lonesome. I shall work, go to exercise club, watch tv, eat fish and chips and biscuits, and maybe do a spot of gardening. Or read about how to do gardening - it is a mystery to me so far! Even the uni is closed over Easter. It is going to be tough! I feel good that I have made a horrible decision for the good of my work. And it means I can go for a pint and chill and be slightly dopey today because I have given myself hours and hours of time to work in that I didn't have before. Something has to give. DB is not wanting to go to Cornwall either and I am trying to bribe him with a roast dinner and happy easter times, but know he can't be corrupted really.

I have a bruise on my chin! What is this?

Right, on to some reading!

x J

grump

I am being a right grumpy cow and think it must indicate a need to get out of the house. Houmous and breadsticks, pleasurable though they may be, are not having the desired cheering effect...

I don't know why I am grumpy, I have done lots of work today. Lots and lots of reading. I have also come to the realisation that, vile though it may be to be here on my todd for days on end, I cannot go to cornwall for Easter. DB said earlier that he thought he may not be able to go and ahhh! The relief! I felt so pleased at the prospect of not going that it kind of made me realise that I should just stay here. I would have seven extra days to work in, which means that each day now needn't be hellishly long or a punishment; just days. And it means I could go to the pub tonight and wail into my cider about something and nothing, but not feel guilty about it. Time off = guilty, time on = bored senseless = *great* life. Woo. Rather not, thank you.

Yeah, I will stay here for Easter then. Drown my lonely, workaholic sorrows (workaholic?! ah to feel that way again! I wonder if I will - or will just constantly feel like I am not doing enough as the Fear ratchets up...) in chocolate. I am still working tonight, will finish about 6.45 and get ready to go out (i.e. get dressed properly, out of the comfortable clown clothes that were my normal wardrobe before going to India and losing 10lbs) and then hopefully go and be naughty and feel more a-cheered. Am not going to get drunk though, oh no. And otherwise my choices are a) sit in the kitchen or upstairs on my own, minus tv or friends all night while DB watches dull shouty football in the nice cosy living room; or b) spend the night on my own totally as DB will go to the gym to watch the footie, and I will feel guilty for kicking him out just to watch tv I don't even want to watch (some toff spraffing about chocolate). Bah. So, pub it is. Yay!

Somehow I have managed to get ahead of my work plan so I can relax a bit and carry on my reading with some breathing space. Reading when you are stressed and against the clock - especially brand new philosophy - is really, *really* hard. How can you concentrate when all you think about is how completely up against it you are, berating yourself for being such a rubbish worker while thinking of how organised and sensible all your colleagues probably are - and continuing to be rubbish because you have just been thinking these thoughts instead of doing any work? Well, somehow I did and now it is ok. Only OK though and I have no intention to make it less than ok again, which is why I am not allowed to go and play in Cornwall.

Tomorrow: more reading. What a surprise! Kerazy.

x J

Home from India!

Ahhh well, today is the day I would have been flying back from India from my reseach trip. Hopefully tomorrow I can wake up and feel like I am living my normal life instead of thinking I should be in India all the time and that being here is a weird, sad alternative...

Workwise today has been much better already. I have made a more detailed plan; rather than the one that said I should finish this chapter at the beginning of June, I have one that breaks down what I want to achieve week-by-week. I realised last night that it is not a sense of motivation that I lack, but a sense of urgency. I could sit and work at this desk on and off for years with not a problem - it is the sense that I have to finish at some point that I am missing!! So I am trying to tell myself that I have two weeks for this, three for this, and within those weeks I expect to do this and this and this. Make the work and goals more real and tangible - and a bit scary! I have to start imagining myself handing bits of work in, rather than sitting in this groundhog day style time-warp where I work and there are no repercussions for missing self-set 'deadlines'...

I do feel really weird today, like everything is a bit surreal. I think it is the India thing - a day for reflection - when my normal, happy, innocent researching self that spent my 30th in the Andaman Islands meets my changed post-bereavement self who is settled in a cottage and engaged (huuray! but woooo), who learns gardening and has gone off all-day drinking sessions... I have grown-up, but my India self is still frolicking free and doesn't know about what has happened. But today that self comes home and finds out. And then the two visions of myself have to converge and make a whole. A happy whole I hope that sees this day as the point from which to let go and move forward.

Do I make any sense?! Probably not.

Right, off to do some reading.

x J

crippins

Arg I have done very little work today and I am quite cross with myself. Why do I not just work? I have spent allll day on the internet reading rubbish and avoiding having to think about Kant.

I am not impressed. And I am too horribly fatigued to go to exercise club. And so I will hang around the house feeling cross with myself and not do anything about it because I am a total loser. But secretly I will be most pleased because I am inherently lazy. Oh, the paradox.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Till tomorrow then - and NO hangover. Damn the booze, I shall forsake it forever! Tomorrow I shall work hard all day, not give in to my wandering mind and go for a three mile run! So there.

x J

Toast and Marmite

No porridge for the milk-cupboard runneth dry, however some lovely toast and marmite has banished the hangover beast temporarily. God bless marmite.

x J

Monday, 6 April 2009

Hallo

Ug I am a bit hungover today. I know, I know. I was so good all weekend - even stayed in on Saturday night, and then yesterday it was all sunny, I did some gardening and was a bit bored and DB was giving me the boozy eye... then I thought, 'hey! We should go to the pub for a catch up! I can have only a pint, no probs!' And so off we went, sat in the freezing sunshine and had a good old chat about work and India and family and things that were bothering us, and then we came home and carried on doing the same, aided with some vodka and coke... Then we ate some terrible Indian food from a takeaway place that is normally great and finally went to sleep. Had a terrible sleep, and woke up this morning exhausted. And am still exhausted and feel terribly hungover.

It's not fair. I didn't even drink very much - I was having half pints and single vodkas with lots of coke and drinking really slowly and hardly smoked at all! And I feel like rubbish and I have a *lot* of work to do - we are going to cornwall for our enagement weekend this Thursday so must crack on. And I have exercise club tonight! gah. Nooooooooo. I am having very naughty thoughts about skiving. But then I won;t have been sat, or today and am not going over easter cause am not here. So I would next go a week on Thursday... That's rubbish!

Luckily my work is straightforward for today, a nice easy kiddie textbook for philosophy that I will plough through. And we had good chats about work yesterday and I feel a lot better about India.

We would have arrived home tomorrow. I felt weird and sad about that. I feel like there is an alternate universe where DB are in India still and I am happy in my research, 29, not engaged and my Dad is still alive and everything is normal. Whereas I have this lovely cottage where I do gardening and have log fires, am 30, am looking down the barrel of this PhD, am engaged to be married (very happily!!!) and my Dad has died. I feel so grown up, like a totally different person. Weird that really. I do feel grown-up though. We talked about how if I was in India I would have even less time to do this PhD because I wouldn't have been working out the philosophy for my work, and wouldn't have had my big 'breakthrough' of ideas etc. And I would spend the next month looking for a car and a home and making the transition from researcher to desk-worker, so in all I am still ahead of myself in that way. I can do all the research I need to do later in the year so I haven't lost anything. I can't feel too bad about not having been massively productive these past two months. And we talked about how when we go to India we will build in a break to the Andaman Islands for a week in the middle of it to have something to look forward to, and that it is great because I can start work straight away, with clarity and a sense of purpose and focus that I didn't have when I was out before. And confidence too - that the reseach is part of the PhD, not the be-all-and-end-all. And I will be a strict vegetarian and hopefully not get ill! My ma said that maybe my cillet-bang lung that I went out with before contributed to my illnesses because she said my immune system would have been weakened and when that happens your digestive system often shuts down while it fixes the rest of you. Maybe that was my problem - normal digestive upsets were made worse and more frequent by my weakened immune system. So if that is so I will be much less likely to get ill this time we go out.

Twill be fine.

I need to get some food. I actually feel a bit sick and totally exhausted. I really didn't drink that much!

On with the reading! After a bit of a peruse of the Guardian website. Yes, yes, nag me not for I shall work - after some porridge. And I shall not drink the day before being on duty *again*!

x J

Finished, motivated and happy!

I have finished work for now, and am most pleased with my three hours!

I worked hard at this textbook that I have been reading all week and then realised an easy-read intro to Marx may be useful at this juncture, and maybe a book on general philosophy - and Lo! On my shelf is my lovely Idiot's Guide to Philosophy (Jay Stevenson if anyone wants to know!), a well thumbed book but not yet for this particular branch of thought. So I got it down and have spent a very happy hour reading through and familiarising myself with lots of philosophy. I realised that to get this theory malarky properly I really ought to go back to basics and be thorough and as I realised this my thoughts settled and calm set in. I love it when that happens - you work away and just know you ought to be doing something 'better' but don't have a clue what, so plod on and on and then slowly realise and kazam! Working becomes a productive pleasure again and picks up some pace too. I am also pleased because I have set myself up with happy, easy and accessible work to come back to tomorrow (if I want to - tomorrow is meant to be my day off) or Monday and can be confident that I will enjoy it, understand it, and learn learn learn - and hopefully work out how to move forwward some more.

Hurray!

Come Dine with Me has my attention now. And the paper. Roll on Saturday!

Ohhhhh I want another sausage sandwich... ;0)

x J

sat'dee

Ah it is Saturday and I am working! I am reading away and listening to Adele on my laptop, a change from Radio 1 because the moron that goes by the monkier of Nihal is spraffing away on it and offending my superior, PhD studying ears. Haha.

Thankfully it is a grotty day outside. I stuck to my guns and stayed in last night! Well done me - DB was properly sulking and whining as well. And today I have no hangover and am so happy and full of beans! Well, sausage sandwich actually.

I do have a confession though - I did not make it to exercise club this morning. I find it hard enough to get up on weekdays let alone a saturday - my most favourite morning of the week. So, for now, I think I will sign up for the week sessions (two) and on the weekend go for a long run with my Mp3 player along the canal. Yup-up. I just love saturday lie ins, the paper, and lazy breakfast with copious amounts of earl grey tea. And I tidy the house and then, as of today, I work all afternoon until the wonder-marathon that is hours of 'Come Dine With Me' is on at 4pm... then after that I go for a run - or I will go tomorrow. I am not working tomorrow (I don't think, I may do a bit) so that would be quite fair. Work today, exercise tomorrow...

Am currently reading for chapter three - the methodology and the theory behind my ideas, and am actually learning things as well as being totally bored. Woo! I hate the beginning of this type of reading, when all the vocab and ideas are new and you feel a bit like you get it and also a bit confused, and not sure whether the bit that you get will see you through to full comprehension or whether you should be working harder to understand now. I think I shall pretend I get it and hope it will click. I think I will do this for an hour and then I may read some political reports for primary research. This will make me feel quite on top of things. I am still very freaked out by how vast my knowledge will have to be by this time next year compared to now, and have not the insight or intelligence to calm myself down. So, for the moment, I intend to read my way out of it and see what happens.

x J

Sunshine...

... and beer gardens everywhere, but not a drop to drink...

I know! And it is Friday, I have done a good days work and tomorrow is saturday and it is sunny and actually warm and apparently the beer gardens are full of people making merry. And what am I doing? Telling DB we are *not* going out, instead I am reading habermas in my sunny room and thinking I cannot go out to a pub because tomorrow I have exercise club and four more hours of work to do. Not least another hour tonight.

It is crazy how strong the lure of booze and sun is! I am a moth drawn to the flame. But then I am not actually, because I am being good and staying at home to work. I have partied way too much recently, and where there is an up there also has to be some part of a down, and I can ameliorate this by buying a choccy bar or something to cheer myself up.

So there, I shall get fat and merry slumped in front of a tv, instead of drunk and merry.

I have also been reading and thinking and my reading list is getting larger and larger, and more disciplines are being added and I am starting to stress about having to do interviews and of things I haven't yet considered. I cannot possibly read/do it all in the time I have left to do this PhD. I am freaking out but then am trying to stop that, for 'tis pointless, and realise that as the time comes those books will indeed be picked up and read. One (or two) at a time. I hope! No. Do Not Panic. I should think instead that it is good that these realisations have come to me, for it is evidence of increased awareness and intelligence about my topic, rather than burying my head in the sand and failing my first submission.

But, ah, the sand is so comforting and snuggly! I will take the sand please.

x J

Friday?!?!

Well, it's friday and I hope you guys feel it more than me!

It is gloomy weather here! Not like yesterday's glorious sunshine :0(

Got up reasonably early today hurray! And have had my porridge and coffee, checked my emails and am almost ready to go... Today I am finishing the introduction of this very hard book and then seeing which chapters are relevant for me. Just plugging away really. I do feel good - conscientious and healthy and awake. Very square and sorted. DB is tempting me to have booze tonight but I say NO!! No, no, no! I hate alcohol, I am too tired and it makes me too fat! Much rather a night off in front of the tele. This is what going out in the evening does to you, makes you appreciate your downtime much more - it becomes a novelty rather than the norm and so you don't need to seek extra ways of entertaining yourself - e.g. drinking. I have my exercise club tomorrow am anyway, and then four hours of working in the afternoon. It is the Grand National tomorrow though, a vile horse race that everyone in the UK loves, including me. It does have a certain national celebration thing to it - pubs are rammed and everyone goes to the bookies and it has a naughty day-off feel to it.

Arg I am sore today! The exercise club was like PE at school and so, for me, a total dream. I adored it! Being told what to do, running in groups and warming up and down and doing stuff and ahhhhhhhh. We did a fitness test yesterday which meant a warm up (knackering!), as many sit ups as you could do in a minute (33) and as many press ups as you could do in a minute (31) and then a mile running race - which I won! Out of 15 people; I couldn't believe it! I did it in 9 mins 17 secs, which is ok. It is great for me considering how unfit I am- I wish I had done all this before I went to India and wasted away!!! So I am going back with bells on. I am *such* a keener, it was like being back at school all over again. It is such a great offset to the PhD too, which has enormous rewards but very very long-term and subtle, whereas this is immediate with people cheering you on and the instructor praising you (or not!) and being tested every month for improved health etc - great stuff.

But I am sore!

Well, I better work. Working until 1.30/2pm when I shall have some luncheon - a dippy egg and toast methinks - and then again from 2.30/3pm until 6.30 when I am free for the whole evening.

DB says the recession is hitting his business. This makes me worried :0( I am great on a budget though. In fact, I come into my own when it comes to counting the pennies and getting bargains. I remember once when DBs business was really teeny and I was doing my MA (back in the day!) years ago we were drinking tesco's own lager for a while cause we were so broke, and I was making mock-up takeaways. It was fun though because we really appreciated what we could have. Learning to cook well saves a lot of money. Then we got a comfortable amount of money and spent it all on wine and actual takeaways. And got fat! Then spent it on the gym! Oh it's all so silly.

x J

Endofday

I worked today! I worked, I worked, I worked!!!

I moved my desk as I said, and enjoyed the sun streaming through the window and a nice breeze. And I did a plan for the next few months - again - as my old one has gone to pot already. I realised I need to work a LOT and so have decided to work from 8.30/9am until 6.30pm on weekdays, and 12.30pm-4.30pm on Saturdays. I have also decided to work from 8pm-10/10.30pm on Tuesday and Wednesday nights - when I don't have my exercise club nights. So that is a lot of hours - 50 in fact. I will do my set work in the daytime and in the evenings I will do other, more pleasant or creative work, like reading reports or about fieldwork methods etc. Hopefully this method will work for a while.

Then I worked from half 11 until 2pm and then from 3 until now! But I did skive a little bit but not much - my threat to make me work in Uni tomorrow if I did not settle down worked well. So I am back into work, although still a little scatty. My army-style evil aerobics malarky is starting in half an hour so I will go and get ready - I am rather nervous. Meeting new people and looking like the unfit moron that I am is quite daunting - and it is all rather late for me, normally I am starting to think about dinner and chiling out in front of the tele all night.

But no! New, busy me! I shall go, meet the people and wake myself up from my sluggish state.

I am scared! They will make me do sit ups and press ups and they have sayings like 'if it ain't raining, it ain't training'!! Oh my word what have I set myself up for. And I will have to leave my engagement ring at home and we are now inseperable. :0(

Wish me luck!!

x J

room!

Yay! My room changed worked! Fabulous. It looks silly, and I have taken up pretty much the whole room so there is no visible space for guests - not a good use of space in such a big room - but it is all like I want it (not DB) and I have all my notes on the floor around me, my books in front of me - and I can see the lovely garden/yard over the path (makes me feel a wee bit like a voyeur but I didn 't organise the houses in such a way!) and the sun! I can see the sun! The blue sky! Lovely.

And so to work.

x J

ps: I can't believe how I have managed to get myself a little belly. I came back from India like a waif and now I have eaten my way through Northern England and got a wee belly. Thank goodness for exercise club!

Doing well so far!!

Not work wise though, not yet - but I have got up before 9.30 (I am not a morning person so being a student suits me and my late morning ways... although I am slowly getting more towards an 8.30 start), had a shower (not showering every morning is another thing that suits my slovenly ways but means I look a state when hanging up washing or needing to go and get milk... am incapacitated) and feel all refreshed (and knackered, but in a refreshed way), had a bowl of porridge and got a cup of coffee. And later I am going to the first session of my army-style exercise club so so far it all sounds pretty much back to normal.

Workwise I had a chat with myself last night and decided that if I do no work again today then I am going to Uni tomorrow to work in the library in stern silence. This fills me with bored horror and so I shall do some work today to appease myself.

First though, I need to move my desk. This is a bit of a chore as it is all set up now with my books etc. I am also moving it to a rather stupid part of the room where it will stick out and is far from the plug socket. So far, so dumb. BUT it is by the window which is really important - I am currently with my back to the window and may as well be in a dungeon. I don't like not know what the weather is doing or being able to see life. It is also where, in my imagination, I always see myself doing my late-night working with my lamp and a cup of coffee. It just is, and so I feel that if I move there I will make this a realisation. So I shall spend a lot of time this morning moving the table etc, then realise it look too stupid and bulky for words and then move it back.

These things are important when you spend most of your days in that spot.

Am finding this part of the PhD very difficult. It is interesting how the PhD throws up all sorts of challenges that aren't particularly obvious. For me, it is that I have worked out the 'secret' to my PhD thesis so now I just have to research it all thoroughly (so I know I am right) and get it down on paper. It is not difficult, it is just work. And it is not just work, it is *slog*. Boring, hard, slog that you don't have motivation for because any sane, intelligent (halfway) human being would not think it is fun because it is NOT. But that's the PhD for you. I think it is hard as well because you go and do research and are stimulated mentally every day - it is exhausting but you are *doing* things, seeing people, being actively stressed and challenged. Then you come home and bam, you work out it isn't all this enigmatic degree after all, it is just a piece of work with no secrets to it but work, then you realise you have to sit down, every day, and read, read, read, and write, write, write. This takes some adjusting I think. I have only just realised that, apart from all my personal issues these past few months, coming home and then sitting to work is actually a really tricky transition - and I was looking forward to it!

Realising this is making my life a lot easier today - I know that I am not necessarily meant to be brilliant at reading and writing now just because it is what I did before India and that I have to be hard on myself - it won't come naturally. I have to sit and work and realise it is not going to just 'happen' one day.

I feel so much better realising this. It is a challenge, and I must overcome it if I am to get anywhere with this PhD. And I shall! I shall work hard like a proper student and grown up.

Am off to move my desk then.

x J

Bah

Well, so far today has not been brilliant, but not a wash out either.

I have:
* Sat at my desk more than not
* Done some work re: uni journal
* Organised my files and room a bit better
* Found some documents that will help me defer my student loan repayments
* Made some soup that I didn't like because it reminded me too much of India-food but ate it anyway and then made and ate a cheese sandwich for no reason
* Had an argument with DB about the tele schedule tonight: football vs anything else. I came off badly and am yet to apologise which means football will win out with bells on when it could have almost been football and the Apprentice. No Apprentice for Ms grumpy pants now.
* Changed the book I have been trying to get back into with no success for weeks now. Just start an new one afresh methinks, new paper, new slate.

I have not
* Actually written anything other than the reference for the new book, a letter to my dear friend and a mildly entertaining facebook status. And this blog.

I will
* Apologise to DB and hope he is gracious enough to forgive me. I think smeagal-style grovelling and bribing with cups of tea will be needed. Although I didn't really say anything terrible, just had a strop. Who has the tele is sensitive in our house - we need a tele each methinks

* Read some work until half six when I shall give myself a break for the day. And tomorrow me and this book will bond and then I will go to exercise club to humiliate myself and my sore lungs in front of what I hope will be new friends. Woo!

x J

Oh

My volunteer peeps have no need of me any more! Oh well. It is good really that i have a full day in front of me, and also Friday too. Not good that I won't be doing anything volunteer wise though - I really fancy it. Maybe I will wander to the Citizens Advice Bureau down the road and see if they need any help.

At least I have the whole day to work. On to scrabble then.

Nooooo. Work.

x J

Back to work - definitely

Well I am definitely back to work today! I have a coffee, got up at a reasonable hour, and have taken back my office - I mean business!!

I just can't sit at random places and concentrate, I need a spot where I think and work and have some peace. I didn't like this room before because it felt lonely but now I am ok and it is nice to be hidden away. The only thing that bugs is that my desk faces away from the window so a) I have my back to the view and b) I have the sun shining on my computer screen. I think I may have to do some juggling with the space and move around a bit. Thankfully no one is coming to stay for EVER now so I can do what I like with the room without thinking too much about the concerns of guests...

Anyway - I am sat at my desk, have done my banking (first day of the month = payday WHOOP!) and have realised that I can actually pay all my household bills now! This may sound trivial but DB used to pay a lot of them because I was so brassic and in debt - but I have worked hard to pay off my debts (well we did, seeing as he paid bills so I could pay off debts instead) and wooooo I am now able to contribute fully. I have no money left but hey, I can go out and earn some so twill be dandy. I love that. I have also caught up on work emails and facebook (of course) and am reading through emails from the journal board from the department journal about a naff abstract that has been sent in. After this I will start some reading - I have decided not to try and just read for an hour, but to do chunks instead - say, have the day to read the intro. Then I have a tangible goal instead of just hours of limitless reading in front of me. And I can feel I have 'done' something at the end of the day when I have completed that goal. At 2.30 I have a meeting with a lady called Jill about some volunteering down the road. I am quite nervous about this and also unsure of whether I can fit this into my schedule, but then it is only one day a week so should give it a go at least. So I can work between 11 and 1.30 today which is quite reasonable, and then whatever hours I have when I get back until 6.30. Groovy.

I have had an amazing long weekend with my Ma! She came on Thursday and we had engagement drinks, then on Friday we went for a walk and ended up back in the pub chatting away for hours. We were outside having a ciggie (I know, I am giving up as of yesterday) and my associate sup walks past! Oh. My Word. He said 'Hello! What are you doing?' and I gabbled back that I was 'smoking a cigarette with my mum' in a really guilty way. !! I Introduced them both (two worlds that should never meet in my book) and, after assuring my Mum that I was doing well and could take some time off (yay! but really, not true) he went to the other side of the pub thank goodness. And we left for safer ground. Saturday we chilled out and watched 'eden lake' which was a pretty good horror film, I would recommend it. And Sunday we went for a long walk and had a yummy roast dinner! Very English day it was. And I showed my ma the place I would like to have my wedding list at. yaya! Monday we went to the family abode and went out for a delicious chinese meal to celebrate my 30th and our engagement and yesterday the celebrations came to an end with my beeday trip to the theme park. I was very brave and we went on pretty much everything, it was fantastic! Got home late last night and ate more rubbish to complete the day and I was fast asleep by 11pm. And today am back to normal life for the first time since we left for India in Oct!! Normal, healthy home cooked food, routine, getting up before 9.30am, working, exercising... And I am very pleased.

Yes, very pleased to be normal again. I have space in my brain for the first time in aaaaages. And with my associate sup catching me in the pub on Friday lunchtime I also have a reputation to protect. Work, work, work!!

x J