Monday, 6 April 2009

Hallo

Ug I am a bit hungover today. I know, I know. I was so good all weekend - even stayed in on Saturday night, and then yesterday it was all sunny, I did some gardening and was a bit bored and DB was giving me the boozy eye... then I thought, 'hey! We should go to the pub for a catch up! I can have only a pint, no probs!' And so off we went, sat in the freezing sunshine and had a good old chat about work and India and family and things that were bothering us, and then we came home and carried on doing the same, aided with some vodka and coke... Then we ate some terrible Indian food from a takeaway place that is normally great and finally went to sleep. Had a terrible sleep, and woke up this morning exhausted. And am still exhausted and feel terribly hungover.

It's not fair. I didn't even drink very much - I was having half pints and single vodkas with lots of coke and drinking really slowly and hardly smoked at all! And I feel like rubbish and I have a *lot* of work to do - we are going to cornwall for our enagement weekend this Thursday so must crack on. And I have exercise club tonight! gah. Nooooooooo. I am having very naughty thoughts about skiving. But then I won;t have been sat, or today and am not going over easter cause am not here. So I would next go a week on Thursday... That's rubbish!

Luckily my work is straightforward for today, a nice easy kiddie textbook for philosophy that I will plough through. And we had good chats about work yesterday and I feel a lot better about India.

We would have arrived home tomorrow. I felt weird and sad about that. I feel like there is an alternate universe where DB are in India still and I am happy in my research, 29, not engaged and my Dad is still alive and everything is normal. Whereas I have this lovely cottage where I do gardening and have log fires, am 30, am looking down the barrel of this PhD, am engaged to be married (very happily!!!) and my Dad has died. I feel so grown up, like a totally different person. Weird that really. I do feel grown-up though. We talked about how if I was in India I would have even less time to do this PhD because I wouldn't have been working out the philosophy for my work, and wouldn't have had my big 'breakthrough' of ideas etc. And I would spend the next month looking for a car and a home and making the transition from researcher to desk-worker, so in all I am still ahead of myself in that way. I can do all the research I need to do later in the year so I haven't lost anything. I can't feel too bad about not having been massively productive these past two months. And we talked about how when we go to India we will build in a break to the Andaman Islands for a week in the middle of it to have something to look forward to, and that it is great because I can start work straight away, with clarity and a sense of purpose and focus that I didn't have when I was out before. And confidence too - that the reseach is part of the PhD, not the be-all-and-end-all. And I will be a strict vegetarian and hopefully not get ill! My ma said that maybe my cillet-bang lung that I went out with before contributed to my illnesses because she said my immune system would have been weakened and when that happens your digestive system often shuts down while it fixes the rest of you. Maybe that was my problem - normal digestive upsets were made worse and more frequent by my weakened immune system. So if that is so I will be much less likely to get ill this time we go out.

Twill be fine.

I need to get some food. I actually feel a bit sick and totally exhausted. I really didn't drink that much!

On with the reading! After a bit of a peruse of the Guardian website. Yes, yes, nag me not for I shall work - after some porridge. And I shall not drink the day before being on duty *again*!

x J