It is DONE

I have finished it.

It is done.  I have even sent it off to my Supervisor.

Oh. Em. Gee.

I am sure it is shit, but only think I can't think of what else to put in it.  I am sure the argument makes no sense to anyone but me, or is entirely inappropriate.  it is ok though, because i wrote *something* and something is ALWAYS better than nothing.  He can send it back, say it is shit, burt he will also help me make it better. 

Another 10,500 words down!  Another chapter done!  And I am taking the rest of today and all of tomorrow off to celebrate.  I can't really afford the time but if you can't take a bit of time off having finished a chapter, what can you do?!

x J

The Joy of Auto-Correct and Other Things

I am back!  I am editing!  It is slow but not dispiriting; when this edit is done, the chapter is done. 

For now. 

Anyway.   I want to mention the wonder that is auto-correct, as I only just found out about it.  Only just!  After writing and editing two thirds of my thesis :(  If you have long words or words you constantly mispell, go into auto-correct and put your own words in there!  You can end up with a whole vocab tht you only need to type a few letters of and whoomph, auto-correct will put it in there for you.

I love it.  There are some words I use constantly and just cannot type for the life of me.  And now I don't have to.

Thank you laptop.

How people used to use typewriters I do not know.

I am going to finish this bastard chapter today.  I have to - I can't work tomorrow and don't want to be stressy with Bean.  I want to happily have the day off because I deserve it!

x J

How Finishing a PhD is Like Banging Your Head With A Stick

Finishing a PhD is like banging your own head with a stick.

I come to my desk and I sit for hours, banging, banging, banging my head with my stick.  It makes me so angry; it is really painful and I hate it.  But I have to do it day in and day out, evening in and evening out, for a few more months and then I will get a Big Reward. 

My husband doesn't know why I sit banging my head with a stick or why it makes me angry.  He says it is my hobby, and it must be because no-one pays me to sit banging my head with my stick.  I even had to buy my own stick.  I must really like sitting here and feeling the pain and the rage until I have to go out and walk it off or really shout at somebody. 

Then I come back and resume the banging because sometimes actually, it feels like the best thing to do.

Some days I don't bang my head enough with the stick and I feel so guilty.  I try and come back and bang my head harder, for longer, but my arm gets tired and my head hurts so I have to stop.  My husband wonders why I have stopped and am watching tv when yesterday I cried because I wasn't banging my head enough.  'Because it hurts and I am tired!' I shout, 'I need a break'.  He raises an eyebrow.  I need to bang more.  I cry.

Sometimes I try to bang my head with my stick with my toddler son around but it makes him upset to see me so upset and cross.  He tries to take the stick and do some banging himself but he can't - that is my stick!  It's my Precious.

Now I am banging my head at weekends and in the evenings and I just cannot wait to give the stick back.  I really, really don't want it any more.

And then I think, I bet I will miss it when it is gone.  Maybe I'll find another stick to hit myself with... It has been five years after all; how will I cope with having a life?

x J

Rage Dissipated

I finished draft one of the chapter.

I would say hurrah but I still have to go through it and read it to see if it makes sense and it has taken me half an hour to read two pages :(  It will never, ever end!  I cannot believe there was a day when i would write an essay and then hand it in, no editing, no checking, nothing.  Now I cannot hand in anything without having proof-read and edited it about 7 times.  Each time is a killer.

I am happy though, I can tell because even though I never smile any more my shoulders did relax and I didn't shout at Bean.  (only kidding, I don't really do shouting.  much.)

I will carry on reading through this chapter until 10pm.  Then I shall watch tv and go to bed too late.  Tomorrow I am back working again (yayayaya) and would like to be doing my methodology but something tells me I might not be that lucky.

we go on holliday two weeks tomorrow!  Am so excited but have so much to achieve by then too.

I am back to Uni proper on 31 August!  My sick leave will have ended.  Sup will be able to contact me!  eek!  I want to send him my lit review on that day to show I have been up to mischief while sicketty sick sick. 

x J

 

Peasant Soup Defuses Rage

And working does too.

Am nearly there.  So. Very. Nearly There.

I will either a) finish in a little while, YAY; or b) realise I have a wealth of lit to write up as I have completely ignored one section so far.  But have made the necessary points and am keen NOT to write 'everything I know'.  Hmmm...

Please, please be (A)

x J

Still Full of Rage

Arf I am still full of PhD induced wrath :)

I am so angry and stressy!  I am really angry that the childminder didn't say anything about having a day in lieu after her taking yesterday off.  I am sure it is unfair to pay for a day of childcare that she cancels and then get neither the money nor the day back :(  I NEED that day!  Those five hours are precious, precious, precious to me :( 

I didn't want to say anything because I am full of rage so left quickly and took my rage to co-op whereupon I bought bacon frazzles, pom bear crispies, a nice pumpkin seed bun for lunch and some white chocolate crispy stuff.  Then I came home and took my wrath out on some veg and making a peasant soup.  No one can surely stay full of rage eating a lovely, homemade peasant broth soup.  Can they?!  I need some veg.  I need vitamins.  I need brain food. 

I have done ten mins of work and it is going spiffingly well.  I am pretty excited and jittery and just waiting, waiting for the chapter to get all fucked so I have to do more reading or something.  I Do Not Want To, I just want it to bladdy END!

Rage.

I was so rageful last night that I did not speak to DB once I finished work up here at 10pm and barely said goodnight.  I just came up to bed and turned the light off so I could lie in bed fuming.

Only until Xmas.  Only until Xmas.

x J

 

PhD Fury

Oh Dear.

I had a massive shout attack at DB when he got home tonight :(  I have since apologised but was really badly behaved.  I was super angry because the childminder had called in sick and spent all day pretending not to be, Bean didn't nap and by the time DB came home and stated he was off to the gym I just exploded.  Oh to be at work all day and then go to the gym!  The gym!  I hadn't worked all day and so wasn't going to work any more because he wanted to go to the gym.  He should have been at footie but that is by the by, he walked in the door!

Anyway, I apologised once I realised my not working all day wasn't his fault.  Am up working now though, will do until 10pm then will watch some tv before bed.  I think I will do this often.  Is surpising what you can get done in two hours and now it is dark outside come 8pm it seems easier, it's not like anyone else is outside enjoying summer ;0)

So I am working.  It is quite slow but I think I have cracked another bit I didn't know was a problem and now the chapter is starting, just starting, to feel like it might be a good one.

Fingers crossed.

x J

Childminder Ill

Arf the childminder has called in sick :(

Am so frustrated!  I hate, hate, hate the way I have to rely on other people to work.  I have to rely on DB to look after Bean on the weekends, and at the mo his work is really busy and he totally resents me working on my 'hobby' when he could be doing important stuff that earns money (grrrrrrrr).  And in the week I have the childminder but sometimes on Tuesdays she cancels because she has been a bit sick.  Am sure she has but is very random.

Anyway.  Am home with Bean.  I will work if he has a nap.  DB is out playing footie tonight so I won't be free to work until Bean is asleep.  I will work until 10pm.  I am so keen to finish this chapter today but doubt this will happen.  If Bean goes outside to play I might try and do some then, standing at the kitchen worktop, as it should be quite straightforward to do now...  but I hate thinking I 'will' do that because then if Bean doesn't want to play outside, or begs me to play with him I feel guilty for not working :(

It is lovely to spend time with him just the two of us though; I worked a lot over bank hols and if I wasn't working DB was, or we were eating out to get away from the stress of being at home!  We didn't really hang together and the atmosphere was quite frought I think.  It will be like that now; DB wants to work at weekends too now as work is busy.  I *hate* him working at home but can hardly say anything when I have to too.  And I know he will take the piss and work more and if I get cross he will tell me I have to be more 'flexible' (which means work when I am told I can, not when I want to).  I hate these fights, I feel panicky just thinking about it all.  After the mc, when I was 'off' work our house was so much calmer.  Now I am back to work properly and want to work as much as I can, but not from midnight to 4am, and I am a threat to DB who also wants to work constantly.  :( :(  major stress. 

Still coldy but keeping it at bay with tablets.  Fine really, just lethargic.

x J

Did It and Am So Glad!

Yaya, I worked until 8.15 :)

I managed to sort out the weird heading issue and so now I think the rest of the chapter should be straightforward editing, rather than structure :)  yay!  I don't know but am feeling relived and lighter of heart in general so think I must have just had a breakthrough of some kind.  The chapter doesn't feel like such a mystery to me now, we are friends!

I am so chuffed I managed to sit and do some work even though I feel a bit shite and my head was all over the place.  I have had a lovely day and it was hard to sit and concentrate to start with, then I got to 7.30 and had to carry on so I was in a good place tomorrow.  I did the ten mins thing to get back into it as I kept zooming off on the internet ever couple of minutes and getting dispirited about it all. 

Bean is with the childminder tomorrow so I can work for hours.  I hope to have this chapter sorted tomorrow :) :) :)  (really?  will it ever be done?!)

TV and tea for me now.  Phew.

x J
 

Bit Poorly

Oh dear.

I am trying to work but am coming down with a cold :(  Poor me.  Am feeling quite shivery this eventime but am still trying to soldier on.  Tbh I just want to watch tv, I have to say. 

At the mo am confuddled by the layout of the chapter.  I seem to have some really large sections that probably need to be broken up but I don't know how to do this at all without creating new headings and subheadings which buggers it all up. 

This isn't a big deal though.  Some of the writing is utter shit and I am not even sure if it fits into thsi chapter. 

I am very bored of this chapter now!

Will work till 7.30 then begger off for some tea and tv.  I won't finish this chapter today but will get as much done in that hour as I can!

x J

ARRRRRRG

Oh god,  this is sooooooo tedious!

I feel like I am chained to my laptop and table but really I want to run, run, run!

I am now on pg 20 of about 33.  This is brilliant and means I achieved today's goal, which was to do ten pages.  Tomorrow I would come back and finish the last ten.  It should get a bit easier from here as it was the beginning that was a total mess.  However...

I hate my chapter so much.  I think it is rubbish and convoluted and waffles a lot without really saying anything very well :(  This is depressing.

And either a) this is true or b) I have just had enough of it for today!

I suppose if I think there is something wrong with it there probably is.

Tonight I am going to drink gin and smoke fags.  I neeeeeeed a release!

In the meantime, DH and Bean are still out and I have to plod on.  I want as much done today as possible!

andkslafhopherwdc sl/akjdwpr2s,vmnLr wASfmkdsnfjoA|!

x J

Back to It

I am backetty back back.

I had dreams last night of meeting my Sup and him asking me what on earth I have been up to all this time.  I was so proud to say I had done my lit review but also aware that it shouldn't take 4 months to do one chapter :(  Was definitely one of those 'yay!  but oh...'  dreams where I feel a bit shit and my best might not be good enough.

Bit stressed?!   I am a total grouch at the mo, this work is making me feel genuinely angry now!

Anyway, I had a lie-in this morning which was amazing and I can concentrate today :)  Am also incredibly motivated; I want to get as much done today as I can so I can relax a bit tomorrow.  I don't know if I will ever feel that this chapter is 'done' or good.  I think my last chapter being so shit was a bit of a confidence knocker (well, huge confidence knocker!) and also the nature of a lit review is that it can go on and on and on and be like an exam where you just vomit everything you think you know about a subject in the hope something will get picked up and get good marks...  Someone, somewhere will see I have missed something out so the temptation is to write a LOT about EVERYTHING, when actually my Sup tells me time and time again to be ruthless with the literature and use it to illustrate your point and nothing more; make a point once and then move on.  Being sparse but clever is probably the wisest move.

Anyway, will get back to it.  I don't care about the family today, they will have to do without me.  I shall stay up here for as long as I can/can stand to!

x J

Almost Over

Well I have managed to get to page number 10 (out of 33!).

I am not best pleased with what I have seen so far, but am encouraged by the latest writing I have edited; it is coherent and well reasoned and thorough.  The earlier bit is rubbish though and needs filling out a bit :(  which means hunting for some new sources (well, old sources, but new to the chapter and this particular research) which is boring, time consuming and disheartening because it makes me feel like I am going backwards.  Times like this make me feel angry and frustrated and like it will NEVER END.

However.  I have to remember that I did know (but forgot) that this first section was in a pickle; somewhere there is a note I wrote to myself saying I needed to make the text match the newly written intro but I never got round it it - thinking I'll just do that when I come to edit :S  Silly me.  So DON'T be disheartened - you never actually properly finished that bit in the first place
().  Leave on a good note and know the rest of the text should be ok - and also yay, you are on p.10 so a third of the way through!  Will get this done for Tuesday, no sweat.

Now go and watch X factor and eat chocolate fingers and let your brain ooze out of your ears.

LOTS of working tomorrow!  Will be here at about half ten-ish till 12.30, then back again at 5.30 for the evening.  Will this chapter ever end?!  Will it?!  Oh please, please end :)

x J 

Going Strong

But barely touched the sides of the work!

I managed to work most of tha past hour which is ace, but am still on the same two pages!  Is all a mess and am not very confident it makes any sense.

Will go and make a filter coffee and get some choccy and come back for a final 45 min stint.  Tomorrow I have to work a LOT for a long period of time.  The problem is that editing can't really be done in fits and starts.  Hopefully I will get a pace up soon enough and the writing will, ahem, improve for me!

x J

Two Long Hours

Ug heck.

I am back.  I have two hours to work before sloping off to watch x factor and then to me bed. 

I don't want to work!  I don't want to do it :(  I don't want to.

Don't make me.

First ten minutes.  Today 10 minutes feels VERY long. 

I have to do it.

Right.  10 Mins starting from NOW.

x J

Day Off

I am having a day off today!

I am so tired and just can't concentrate properly.

I have, however, cancelled our trip to the zoo...  DB wasn't that fussed and Bean is run down and I am super keen to finish my chapter and drink wine!  So tonight i shall drink wine and over the weekend I shall finish the chapter.  Even if I have to work allllll night.  I want this chapter edited and put to bed by Tuesday as Tues I need to start my methodology chapter.  Yuk, am dreading it.

x J

Still Editing!

Arf this is taking a LONG time!

I have been quite slow today I have to admit.  But I am now really into the editing, which doesn't mean to say I have got very far!  Am on P.4 of 30...  eek!  Is pretty slow work.  Took me ages to sort out the intro to be how I wanted it, and also my mind keeps wandering off which just can't happen when you are editing!

BUT I am doing it, and it will get done.  All the writing and strucuring is done, which is brilliant, brilliant.  It is just a case of ploughing on and making it make sense, bit of copy and pasting, bit of deleting, putting in linking sentences so the literature doesn't just come from nowhere.  Will take ages I fear :(  I don't want it to, I want it to be finished!  Am pleased with what I have achieved so far though and am definitely feeling work malaise.  Am really glad to be able to skip off in a minute to pick up Bean and talk about something other than this work!  Is driving me potty.

Won't work again tonight, but will do some tomorrow when Bean naps and when DB is his bedtime.  I suppose, realistically, I can only hope to have this finished for Tuesday really, and that is if I get some time to work on it on Sunday and Monday.  Is it terrible that I am almost thinking about cancelling the Zoo trip because I could do with that time to work instead?  If I stayed here over the weekend I would have hours tomorrow, sat and sun to work and could have it finished for when I come back proper on Tues!  Oh that would be smashing.

eek.

x J

 

Editing!

I am editing away today :)

I am desperate to have this chapter finished by the time I have to go and get Bean at 4.  DB is playing fotty tonight so won't be here for me to work this evening and I just hate working after bath and bed with Bean is over at half eight.  Such a long day - and I need my wits about me!  Tomorrow I am home with Bean and don't want to be stressy or feel disappointed all day.

I want to finish editing then, the intro is done, the concl is therefore done too as is always the same pretty much.  I now I have to go through it and add one more subheading and then read through the lot and see if it makes sense (i know it doesn't yet).  However, this bit is ok to leave as I will definitely need to go through it again and maybe again after that to make sure it isn't sputing nonsesen and for that I will have to leave it for a few days.

Is a pain you can't just finish it and send it off.  But I definitely can't send it to my sup until after the weekend when I can come back to it with fresh eyes and try and read it as a new person coming to it for the first time.  Otherwise I find I fill the gaps of knowledge in in my own head ad don't pick up on strange phrasing or uber-complicated and unfriendly sentences, or even realise whole concepts haven't been sufficiently explained.

We are meant to be going away this weekend so I guess I won't be able to work again until Tues :(  I will start on my methodology chapter then come back to this one when I want to.

Better crack on!

x J

Ooooh Nearly There

So close! 

I have to finish one set of notes (really, hugely condensed - this book was The Book for my whole PhD and now it is only three sentences of my lit review!) and have about five more scholars I need to namecheck - literally a sentence here and there...  then the writing should be done!

I need to go through it all and make sure the main text flows and is clear.  I need to do the intro and the conclusion (both written but badly) and then, then, then...  I might have done my first draft!

I want to work again later; I would love for this to be done for tomorrow night when I go to pick Bean up.  So I will try and do an hour or so when DB comes back.  Am really excited, I think I might be close!

Am worried it will take me all tomorrow and still not be done but I HAVE to have it done to go to the zoo!  When I come back next week i want to be starting on my methodology...  ooooh.

I took my kitten back to the shelter.  I am deeply sad but must get over it.  We did the right thing, DB can't have asthma for the next 16 odd years.

x J

10 Minutes-ing Today!

I need my ten minute guidelines today!

I am super keen but not very motivated...  is that possible?!  Just tired and easily distracted.  I have to rehome my kitten today and it really actually sad and difficult as she sits and purrs on my lap while I work!  My baby cat.

I have done some good editing and am halfway through the chapter now, stll rearranging it and sorting out my subheading so it has the right narrative.  I can feel it coming together and have seena  couple of good arguments in it I don't remember making but which please me!

Will crack on with it then...  only ten mins though!

Am very motivated by my Zoo deadline I have to say!  The thought of having the whole day and night to myself, to think I have only 3 more chapters to do...  oh whee!

x J

Back!

Have been back since 7ish.

Not dooing the 10 mins thing at the mo, doesn't really work with editing and am motivated enough just by wanting to have the structure of the thing done for tomorrow so I can then go through and neaten it up.  Is like at the mo I am putting the parts of the face together, and tomorrow I shall spend making it look pretty :)

Is 10500 words long!  eek!

Will work till 8.50 and then shall go down for a bit of tele and then BED. 

x J

No I'm Not!

I'm not nearly there!

Had a shocker of a day; my kitten is to be rehomed tomorrow when they said the waiting list was months long and so thought we had ages yet :(  So is a bit of a shock.  Family stuff is rubbish, personal stuff going a bit haywire and I just wish I had a crystal ball!

I have eaten my crisps, some toast and two giant cookies and although I feel very sleepy I feel somewhat comforted :)

Workwise despite all these distractions I have stayed with it!  Miracles!  I have to go and get Bean in half an hour.  Is so hard wrenching myself away!  I feel so guilty.

I am busy cutting and pasting my sections around so it makes any sense, and writing in intros to the subsections so they link to each other nicely.  So far I can see that the content is good and is well referenced, but the writing needs refining and going through with a fine toothcomb as i have spotted a bit of odd phrasing here and there!  Then I need to write the proper intro and conclusion and bring it all together, so I don't think I will finish tomorrow but more likely on Thursday.  *Definitely* before the weekend as I am going to the Zoo with DB and Bean and am really looking forward to it as a sort of celebration for finishing the chapter.  Good motivation!

I have so much to do.  Is so hard not to feel overwhelmed by it all but I am doing my best.  Am generally feeling overwhelmed today and really look forward to going to bed!

Am going to do as much as I an now before having to leave and will work again later and hopefully DB will be around to do Bean's bedtime.  I could really do with that extra hour at the mo!

x J

Nearly there...

Today I am back to work :)

I have been a stressy bunny these past two days, not able to work due to Mumness, but today the childminder is back off holiday!  WOOT!

I was sad to take the munchkin in, but he was utterly delighted and therefore, so am I :)  I came home, armed with pom bear, biscuits, coffee and wheat crunchies, made a piece of toast (too het up about it all to eat this morning?!) and came up and did my first ten mins.  Was ok really, thbough I have been building it up to be awful since I woke up. 

I couldn't work yesterday, no time.  I am now editing mostly, so need a few uninterrupted hours to get my head really into it and start juggling sections around, because it doesn't read properly.  Content is fine (I think), the order is not.  I tried to do this while Bean napped on Sunday and ended up scrubbing 45 mins of work because he woke up nad I was stressy and not concentrating.  Was a big mess.  So have gone back to the non-messy draft and am starting over again.

I really hope to have the order sorted by the end of the day and be into proper editing.  Signposting each section, sorting out the intro, and I have one small section that I need to neaten as is just notes with a few quotes atm.

I hope to put this chapter to bed at the end of tomorrow :)  That fills me with excitement and also a weird feeling of dread.  It is because I hate editing and re-reading, am always convinced I will read it all and realise it is a load of bollocks, and realise I have missed out 50 relevant sources.  I just hope, hope, hope I really am near finishing it.

x J

100 mins done yesterday :)

I did lots of work yesterday, here and there.  Doesn't sound much but between bouts of not working 100 mins is quite a bit!

The good thing about the ten min thing is if I am having an 'itchy' work day, and feel I really want to work mre than anything else, I can pop up for ten mins here and there and just scratch that there itch and it stops me being an ogre to my family.

Today I will work again for about 2-4 horus depending on what my family have planned.

Exciting news is that... 

I should finish this chapter with about 4 hours more work!  Yep!  First draft would be done, which is a good thing as am on 10,000 words now.  Eek!

So four more hours to actually write, then would need about 5 hours to edit (maybe more actually but whatever) and then the first draft will be down.  I will leave it a few days and then re-read it before even dreaming of sending it to my Sup.  Might not send it for a while actually...

Anyway, have to go back downstairs and hang out in front of the tv with my filter coffee.  Am actually only at my desk to book a B and B in Roma for our holiday next month!  Oooh er!

x J

10 mins done

It is Saturday.  I do not want to spend today working.

But I didn't work yesterday because DB rang at 5pm to say he had to go out for work drinks after we had agreed I would work from when he got home until bean was asleep, so a good two hours.  I was completely gutted I have to say, and this meant I have had two days off this week :(  It can't be helped though and I just have to try not to seeth with resentment ;)

Normally on a Sat I would work when DB is doing tea and bedtime, so from about 5-8pm.  But I feel so grubby and shite from not working for two days, and the whole thing was starting to turn into an impossible monster again, so while they went to the shop to get the paper and some milk I scuttled upstairs and did 10 mins. :) :)

And I feel so much better.  In that time I have picked up my thread again, found another source I need to add and written two sentences that I was stuck on before.  Now I know I can go down and enjoy my saturday with my family feeling that work is ok.

Phew.

x J

Day Off, Actually!

I forgot that I haven't taken a day off since Thursday, so I am going to make this my day off :)

Amen to that.

And breathe.

x J

Cognitive Dissonance (aka stress)

Ok.  I am STRESSY today.

I have shouted at Bean for no reason, am struggling to have patience in his inane chattering and shouting 'mummymummmymummymummy', and can't go and play with him.  In the meantime he is getting fed up and bored and unsure about wshy his mummy is cross and stressy.

And why is this?  Because I decided I might chill out and look online while he plays outside, then had a guilty feeling and decided I should do some work instead.  So I am stood at my kitchen worktop, trying to work and feeling VERY stressed because the small child just will not let me.  Either I am a fireman pole, standing rugby target, filler-upper of watering cans, chaser of gingerbread men, fixer of umbrellas or new tele-programme putter-on-er.  Trying to do this when I feel I 'should' be working, because my brain has decided I ought to do ten minutes now, is very uncool and is making me most upset.

I don't want to upset my son.  I don't want to spend the day being angry.  I really want to play with him now and forget work.  I want to do my exercises during his 'nap' (if he naps) and then hopefully do a bit of work.  And that would be it for the day - DB is out tonight so I am doing Bean's bed and bath and is unlikely I will want to work after a whole day of being sole carer for the child - is exhausting.  I am filled with thoughts that 'if I just do it now then I have the rest of the day off! and can play and not worry about it!  Let's get it out of the way...'  waiting to work until 8.30pm tonight is like having such a weight on my shoulders.

Am completely gutted and feel really guilty about missing my target of finishing the chapter tomorrow.  I also feel stressed that whether I finish on Monday or not is completely contingent on other people.  If DB thinks I am taking too much time for my 'hobby', or thinking he needs to work instead, or is tired and I am getting up with Bean all night and every morning of the weekend then I won't get much work done.  However, if DB takes bean out lots/looks after him without needing to confer with me on everything ('where is this J?' Where is that J?') and I get one lie in to catch up on my sleep then I might just get myself together enough to get some good hours in.

I feel so dejected that my good plans were just that: good plans.  Because I made a lovely plan and the someone (small child) came and jumped all over it and laughed at me :(  I hate working on the hoof, not knowing when my next good stint is... I just don't operate like this.  I need routine, I need predictability or how else does one meet a deadline?

Being a mum and doing a PhD is really fucking difficult.

So now I have ranted, what can I do about it?

I suppose I should put the work and laptop upstairs.  I will focus on Bean, there is no point shouting at him, feeling shit because I shouted at him and STILL not actually working.  I should stop feeling guilty because I am not working; I am working - this is my dayjob.  Work will, for now, have to fit in around it.  I will work when bean is in bed and eat a LOT of cheesecake while I do it. 

I will exercise during bean's nap and then work if I have time; exercise is important to managing these stressy feelings, feeling that I can achieve something and getting my morale up, and warding off the cheesecake calories!  And if Bean doesn't nap I won't fret because all I would have lost is my exercise time.  One thing I completely hate is the way I get stressed and even resentful when Bean doesn't nap, because in my head I am shouting 'but I have to work, Bean!'  SLEEP!'

I will do ONE thing at a time and do that well.  I suppose till tonight work will just have to piss off.



x J

Struggling! But Here!

Arf I am struggling!  I am soooo sleepy today. 

Toddler had a nightmare while napping so I didn't get to do any work earlier. 

And anyway, I am just NOT IN THE MOOD today.  I don't care if I skive!  I don't care!  But yet I have done ten minutes.  Bean is in the bath with DB.  Hmmm...  I have two more sets of ten mins to do to be back in the game.  I know, I shall do another ten minutes NOW.  Right now, and then come back.  Join me!  Let us do ten minutes!  We can do it!

...........................................................................

Hurrah, I did it :)

Yesterday I only managed one set of ten minutes before the Bean woke from his nap and last night all good intentions were dashed when a glass of gin and tonic was thrust under my nose at 8pm...  :)  I needed to chill out to be honest, I haven't had much down time of late!  hence the tiredness today...  !!

Sooo I have done two of my three sets of ten mins for today.  It isn't much I know, but what it does is it gets me to my desk, to open the document and it is enough time for me to reconnect with the work again and keep that momentum going.  I am not going to finish this chapter by Friday as I hoped, but still hope it will be done by Monday.  I am not too stressy about it though because we have decided to out off moving down South until after the New Year and the PhD is all finished.  Which means I have another two weeks to work on it!  Yaya!  I still want to have this chapter done asap and my methodology chapter done for when we go on holiday in... 4 weeks tomorrow.  So I should have over three weeks on it which I am sure will be enough for a first draft, driven by the motivation of sitting and relaxing under the sun in Italy knowing I only have two chapters left to write from scratch!  Ooooooooh LOVELY.

A friend said I was on the home straight for the PhD now.  I hope so!  I really do!

Last ten minutes before am called on Mum duty...  Man, squeezing in work while looking after the wean is HARD, I have nothing but admiration for any stay-at-home parents looking after weans all day then trying to work in the evenings.  Or a full time job for that matter.  Eek.

x J

Tired but Still Here

Arf I am tired, my brain is fogging over :(

I guess a day with the toddler has taken its toll...  am sure when I leave my desk though my energy will return, magically! 

I started work at half six, after a brief hello to Husband dear, so have been at it for nearly two hours.  It has been a struggle, but thanks to my lovely ten minutes system I have still worked,  if I didn't work this way there is no way I would have done any work tonight.  Even when I am at my least motivated or energetic, I can still manage just one teeny weeny ten minutes.  And once I have done that one the next one doesn't seem so bad, and the next one is pretty easy.  I can always do just one set of ten minutes, and even if it means I keep having breaks all the time to scour the internet and be silly, I still sit back down for another ten mins until my time is filled.  *And* I have done over 500 words today.  In fact today I have worked a total of an hour and a half which is great for such a tired day.

I will do one more set of ten mins and then my time will probably be up as I have yet to cuddle Bean before he goes to sleep.  Then I shall slope downstairs and rest! 

This section is proving to be slow going.  Grrr.  I have the sources but haven't looked at them for years!  I did the chapter they pertain to years ago (sounds funny doesn't it) and haven't needed to look at them since.  Some are from before we went to India to do the research...  Gosh, 2008ish!  But they are great now, but I need to actually read them to get the info from them which is time consuming and pretty dull.  Old reports I know I have read and do kind of remember and I HATE reading reports!  Anyway, this is the nature of working I guess, and the wordcount for this section is looking passable already and still have a bit more to do.

Anyway, better go, turns out now is cuddle time!

x J

2 Hours Yesterday, Back Again Today

Soo I did two hours yesterday, after saying I was going to be lazy I got on with some work!

I now know pretty much how I want the chapter to look and where I need to fill in the gaps.  This means that when this is done it will effectively be draft no. 2; I didn't finish draft no. 1 - but that is because I realised early where it was going wrong.  Nice when that happens :)  Draft no. 3 would normally be my final, final cut after it has been ripped apart by my Sup:)

Today I want to fill in the gaps; I have one glaring omission of literature that in truth I am struggling to fill because I don't know much about it!  I know, I know it is weird but trust me, it is background info then the thesis sort of ditches it but I need to outline what it is to ditch it!  Else that will sting me in the tail in my VIVA.  It will take a few hours so actually, realistically I suppose I might have to do that today and tomorrow (arg).  I have worked this morning, while Bean was outside playing with the hose, was only rough but I was itching to work out where the chapter was going wrong and had an inkling that one section (of 19 pages!) needs to be two, which it does; and that another section needs to go first instead of last, which it does.  This was pleasing!  Then Bean had a nap at 1.30, I exercised for 20 mins (is hard horrible exercise meant to be 20 mins long and you do it every day) and then got to my desk.  I only had time for one 10 min session but am pleased with my general progress today so far, and if I wanted to/need to I know I can call it a day with what I have done. 

I don't know if DB is playing footie tonight; if he is then I won't be able to work probably but if he isn't I will definitely work from 6.30ish to about 8.  Am so keen to get this section done. 

THEN I will need to edit the chapter, and separate the one section into two, and juggle everything around to fit into that.  Then I shall need to fill in one last section that isn't very long as there isn't much to say (hence the reason for mah research).  THEN I will need to go through and re-read it, edit and make sure all the signposting is present and clear and then, finally, finally it will be done!  Hurray!

I think this will take me until Fri.  Today and tomorrow for the new section; Weds for editing and neatening (that will be fun as the chapter will take a lovely shape then); Thurs for the final section and Friday for final editing.  Then the weekend OFF to celebrate hopefully.

Who knows.  Only as good as my next ten minutes :)

x J

Did 3 Hours Yesterday :)

Yes I did.  I meant to do two but could do three, so did.

Was really, really pleased with myself!  Only added 500 words but did a lot of editing and am really getting to grips with it.  I have dine 8,500 words of it now!  is not far from finished, in its roughest incarnation :)  I will still need to edit etc but having the draft of it written down to play with will be lovely.  I still really hope to have it done by the end of this week... 

Today will be a big day.  My family are out at the mo but I have decided to slob about a bit and did some exercise instead of working.  I have only had one day off a week for the two weeks I have been working properly again, and am very proud of this!  I will work later, but for now decided that seeing as I have a moment when I am not working, watching Bean, cooking, cleaning or whatever I would just SIT by myself and chill!  And I am in a much better mood for it.  I forgot really that I am being stay-at-home mommy all this week too, and it will be very challenging working every day too, so have taken this time to sort of read rubbish and ground myself a bit.  I will work later, after tea when DB is putting Bean to bed.  Whatever happens I will get at least 3 lots of 10 mins done.

It is coming along.  I am not counting any chickens - I can't do that until I have submitted!  And I am not thinking I have it sussed - I have a mantra that I am only as good as my next ten minutes...  but I am trying and it is paying off. 

Hurray!

x J

Bloody Did It

I managed to come up and do some work while DB is putting Bean to bed. Doesn't sound much but for me it is HUGE. 

I couldn't work yesterday as we went out with friends to enjoy the sun, then Bean didn't nap and by the time he zonked out at 7.10pm I was shattered so thought I would just have the day off.  And then today he didn't nap either!  And am knackered, but DB has come home in time to put the wean to bed...  and I am so tired...  and I really, really didn't want to look at my work, it was all shit anyway and whatever.  I felt like I had to do an exam - really nervous and hating it.  But up I came, and I turned on the laptop and didn't go online but went straight to the evil chapter and all along I was thinking 'I hate, it I can't do it, I hate it...' and then I did 20 mins instead of 10 and skipped off downstairs to make coffee and am just so HAPPY!

I only ask that I do 3x10 min sessions on days when am looking after Bean on my own (i.e mon and friday usually, but at the mo every day bar weekends!) as it is so tough to do both.  Sitting down to work after a 13 hour day with a toddler is a nightmare, so yeah, all I want to achieve on those days is a) sitting down to do it AT ALL; and b) doing a wee bit just to refresh my brain and kind of 'keep my hand in'.  Taking my eye off the ball and forgetting what the heck it is all about makes me really stressed, and takes less than a day to happen :(  Makes me a very unhappy momma! 

So I have one more 10 min session to do, then I can finish putting my Bean to bed, then watch the last of the Olympics in peace, knowing I did what I needed to today, and hopefully also knowing that my chapter isn't up shit creek like my imagination likes to tell me...

x J

Worked During Bean's Nap

I have to go and wake him up, he has slept longer than I should have let him!

But I did work during his nap, did 1hr 15mins.  Worked out a lot of confusing bits that have been playing on my mind this morning and am starting to see the chapter as a whole.  Am pretty sure I can't write much more into it, as it is really long and will totally lose the reader if I include too much more.  There are about 5/6 authors and their ideas that I absolutely have to namecheck.  One section I might just cut out mostly as the next chapter goes on and on about it a lot...  The section I thought i would drop entirely, thereby changing my thesis, I have put in!  hasn't been as massive as I thbought though, is such a vast topic I really have to just take one quote from each book I want to namedrop or I would be writing forever! 

Is a good thing having too much to say though...  and reading through it briefly I have got a LOT of points in there!  Some I barely remember writing?! 

Coming to work during bean's nap was really very difficult!  But once I sat down and did my first ten mins it was just fine.  I only planned to do three sets of 10 mins then could leave if I wanted.  I felt this was a manageable amount, not too daunting but could get a decent amount done.  I feel *so* much better for it too; I have re-aquainted myself with it, added about 500 words, got through several of the sources I need to add in, and feel confident it is under control. 

After some time away I start to fret that it is all shit and I have forgotton bla bla, and can't bear to look at it again!  making myself open it up and do some work is a grand thing.  I did have a small tantrum when putting Bean to bed and thought 'but it is my time OFF' and realised, that actually, while I still have so much to do it ISN'T yet.  When I have finished then it will be my time off!  In the meantime I have to keep pushing through :) 

Am off to wake my son and have a lovely, happy afternoon knowing I have DONE MY WORK FOR TODAY and so have all this evening off to loll about, happily.  And I know the work is coming on ok, and AMAZINGLY I also know that I just *have* to stop writing soon as it is very big!  So I have to start wrapping stuff up!  Which is a wonderful thing to realise :)  Fingers crossed this lit review chapter will be finished by Weds next week!  And then only the methodology, intro and concl to write from scratch :)

It is all about the momentum...

Hurray!

x J

Finished for the day

I did a LOT today, wrote more than a thousand words and got down what I wanted to before the Child comes home and I forget everything!


I am feeling that stress when you are working and you need to get everything you know down on to the paper NOW!  But I also now that I won't finish this chapter todayk, even if I worked on it for a few more hours.  So I think it is a good time to leave it and get some space from it all!

Probably won't work tomorrow but will on Thurs, though I don't know for how long.  I really want to have this chapter finished by this time next week, so then I can start on my methodology chapter.  This chapter is nearly there...  it is just a case of time!

x J

Not Too Shabby

I have done work today, and did 40 minutes worth of a new evil exercise dvd.  Am knackered.

I have written more than my 500 words so that is good, technically I can rest eaasy knowing I have done that.  I have also written over 2/3s of the total chapter which is grand.

However, my toddler is en route as I type which is making me very frightened!  I don't know how to look after a toddler; it has been lovely having my brain free to work :)  Now I have to fill it again with knowledge on fireman sam, gentle discipline techniques, entertainment and potty training.  Eek!  What if I foget to feed him?!

Workwise all is going well; I have half an hour to work before Pendleton does her last ever race which I want to see.  Am camped in front of the tv because I didn't know when this race was meant to be and really don't want to miss it, but now I do...  and can't be bothered to collect everything up to go upstairs!  Luckily the tv isn't bothering me, is just the background hubbub of sporting people talking sporting stuff about cycling, which I know NAFF ALL about and don't need to learn owt either ;0)

So..  onwards,  I have one author that I have to namedrop heavily in my lit review as he is integral to my thesis and I haven't really mentioned him yet.  I would be happy to have this done today and then call it a day, though think it will take a while!

Family should rock up at about 8pm...  Think I will finish work at 6ish.

x J

First Ten Mins Done

Am up and at it this morning :)

Not got dressed properly yet; just got out of bed, sorted the kitten and got to my desk.  In all honesty I am not in the mood today.  It is boring and starting to feel drudgy.  I made myself to the ten mins then skipped off to come on this here internet and drink my coffee :)

I will get some headache tablets (horrible fuggy weather) and then do another 10 mins and then call my family and see when they are coming home today.  Hopefully later rather than earlier, I definitely want to be able to work as much as possible today! 

It is going to be sooooo strange being back to normal life tomorrow!  Running round after Bean...  eek!

Today is going to be a test in digging deep for momentum.  I think I will have tomorrow off...  then I can look forward to that and let the pressure valve release a little bit... AND not be stressy on my son's first day home - wrestling him into bed for a nap he doesn't want so I can work!

Is so hard to be focused on being a mama AND working :(  Am no good at it, my head is only ever with one while the other gets neglected :(

x J

500 words done :)

I have achieved my daily goal of writing 500 words :)

Was pretty easy with some copy typing... have now finished lifting my lit review from my MA...  Have dug out my notes, of which there are a LOT, and have started working through those and working them in to the text.  Is all pretty simple, just time consuming!  I came upstairs once I finished copy typing.  I haven't really work for long today, but I have done what I want to do.

Am tired today, I don't know why.  I only have tomorrow left to work...  My word count for this chapter stands at 6,500 which is excellent, I shouldn't go over 10,000 words now I don't think.  I think there is an entire strand of the lit review that I won't put in.  Which means it won't really figure in my thesis like I have thought all the way through (for five years).  It was an area of interest that compelled me to do a PhD in the first place; I have doggedly researched it and written about it all the way through...  and now my Sup says 'how, exactly does this fit in?'  I say, 'it does!  it does!' and then, when not being so stubborn, I wonder if it does.  And if I can get over the fucking WASTE OF TIME I spent on it, I think it might be able to be relegated...

You live and learn, eh?

Anyway, I don't know.  But if I did relegate it then am not far off finishing this chapter.  Which is something I could get excited about if I didn't have the next two weeks lacking childcare.  Oh, to move and be nearer family who could help out.

x J

Hmmm

Well, so far today has not gone that well.

I got up late, then faffed a bit before starting work, then had an argument on the phone with DB, then had a text from my friend saying I should go over when I am free and see her newborn baby.

I decided not to see newborn baby, faffed on the internet all huffy after arguing with DB and feeling generally lonely and crap.  Then decided to get out and see my friend, shake off my bad mood and buy some snaffles anyway :)  Put the morning down to experience.  Had a good catch up (very rare we get to hang out with no toddlers!) and cuppa tea and newborn cuddles (aw) and came home!  Made some lunch which I just scoffed, started to work and then got wind that the gymnastics was on tele...  and I only have copy typing to do for a bit...  so have decamped downstairs to work in front of the tele.

Am feeling slightly sorry for myself today and not that motivated.  I will work, however, just in a different way for today.  10 minutes at a time...

We shall see how it goes!

x J

Think am going to call it a day...

I have worked ALL day!  Except for when I was eating or exercising or just wasting time :)

I might have gone away, but always came back and feel as if I have spent longer at my desk than away from it, and am *sick* of typing :)  This has to be a good sign!

I have done about 1200 words today.  I have a load more to write, lord knows how I will get this chapter done with a reasonable word count.  I have to just tell myself that it all counts, even if it doesn't necessarily go in this chapter...  And I really have probably said the same thing pretty often witrh different people saying it so will delete all that when I edit.

I am reluctant to leave it...  but at the same time I have the whole of tomorrow and Tuesday and need to keep up my stamina!  And it really is very good to leave it on an easy bit; I can just come back tomorrow and start, ahem, copy typing again :)

Tomorrow then, I shall finish typing in stuff from my old MA thesis and put it away, and start working in more up-to-date stuff. 

My brain is shutting down, definitely time to go!  I worked for 7.5 hours today :)  result!

We are having a massive storm!  eek!

x J

Writing up a storm!

Today I have been working since 9.30 :)

I got up and made a coffee and fed the cat, then sat straight at my desk.  Worked for 15 mins then got some toast, work a bit more a phoned my family, worked a bit more a did some shredding, worked a bit more and had a shower and some lunch...

I have written 800 words today so far!  However, they are lifted from my MA thesis of 2005...  I hope it doesn't matter too much.  I haven't stolen them verbatim and haven't used them to illustrate the same point, as acutally my argument now is completely opposite to then!  I have switched sides from a youthful optimist to an old curmudgeon ;0)  So it doesn't feel like proper work, it has all been rather easy!  I have gazillions of references and stuff, and am working on a completely different section than I had planned, and am going to have just an enormous word count for this chapter.  eek.  I will have to trim it down a lot, and am sure I repeat myself often but for now, it is about getting words and ideas down.  Yesterday I edited a lot, today I am really wanting to write.

Am very pleased with my progress and starting to sort of wane a bit...  I have worked nearly as much as not, which for ten mins a day is brilliant :) 

I think I will keep going through my old thesis and hopefully will come to the end of it soon so can start writing fresh stuff!  I have tomorrow and Tuesday to work all day too, which is great but I do want to be have done a lot of this chapter by the end of Tuesday.  I am worried, but really, it should be ok.  I think generally I am worried about what I am going to do when Bean comes back and we have two whole weeks without any childcare.  Getting down to work will be challenging and i quite dread the slow pace and lethargy creeping back on me :(  This time is such a pleasure!  Just working all day, it is so ridiculously easy to get stuff done compared to when I am looking after Bean too.

I shall just have to carry on thinking in terms of '10 mins' and try to do a couple of 10 min sessions when he naps and later in the evening.  It'll be ok.

x J

Day's End

Arf I have worked hard today, and am stopping now.

A bit earlier than I said I would, but I am tired and my brain is stopping, so is best to stop now before I get all pissed off and that's all I remember when I am trying to come back to it tomorrow!

Today I managed to work a total of 3 hours 15 mins, out of a possible 7 hours; wrote 550 words (well, more than because I deleted a bit of old stuff which made my daily word count less so I had to write more to catch up again!); and did lots of editing and sorting which I am very pleased with.  Considering 10 mins is all I aspire to when I sit down :)  Sitting down and working this morning before I did anything else was a great idea, and easily the hardest of all the sessions, just opening up the document is hard!  I just want to procrastinate!

I have got the chapter into a place where I feel I can come tomorrow and just start working.  I am not completely confident about my next move but I think that is ok.  In fact, I just looked at the notes I want to add into the lit review tomorrow and have spied a paragraph I want to quote so that will provide a good start :)

I am off to get an illicite glass of wine and veg out in front of the olympics.

Back tomorrow for more of the same.  Tomorrow I would like to work more than not, I nearly made it today but just missed out!  I would also like to get through quite a bit of the next section and feel I am nearly halfway through the chapter.  It is turning out to be a really big chapter.  Maybe 12,000 words?!  Eek!

x J

Woooorking!

Ah ha I am working :)

My family went off to the South yesteryday at about half four, and though I felt I should I decided not to try and do any work and had a beer and watched the Olympics instead!  Working would have meant no days off in over a week and that would not be a clever tactic for motivation!

So I got up this morning and worked straight away.  Well, I fed and cleaned up after the cat but other than that, came straight up for my first ten mins, then plpanned to get a coffee and some toast, then do another ten mins etc etc.  But I ended up doing an hour!  I did some good editing and adding and have added 300 words.  It is coming along.

I am now going to get said cup of coffee and going to ring my family and say good morning to my darling boys.  Then I shall do another ten mins, then plan to have a shower and get dressed and go to the shop for the saturday paper and some lunch and LOTS of crisps and chocolate :) 

Then I aim to just keep doing 10 min sessions until 6pm.

I feel very pleased so far but also am very conscious of not wanting to count my chickens etc etc.  I am only as good as my next ten minute session!

It is so important that I work because I am missing my neice-in-law's 'being born bbq' today to do this.  I am gutted, really very sad to be missing it - I am the only family member out of both families not going.  What a total asshole.  But I know that as it stands I cannot take four days off from my work, then come back and face two weeks off (as the childminder is away) and even hope to get this PhD done.  I need to work NOW, I need to keep on going.  And so I had to pull out :(  I must make this time count - which thankfully, it is and so I am justified but...  Man, finishing a PhD really does have to take over your life.

x J

650 words done!

Yeah man!  I have finished one of my subsections and have written another 650 words today, and done some editing :)]

Today I worked for a total of 1hr 40mins, split into 7 sections.  I faffed a lot but by the end of this afternoon I was managing to only have 10 mins off between each session because I was getting into the flow of it and knew what I wanted to say next - and just wnted to get on with it :)

Tomorrow I will do two sessions, to be honest I don't know really when DB plans to leave so if he doesn't leave until after 6 I shan't work, but if he leaves early afternoon I will.

I better go and get my boy.  Thing is, I don't want to leave work!  How excellent is that.  What a turnaround. 

The brilliant thing about this way of working is that you don't have to be motivated to do it.  ou just have to sit for TEN MINUTES and then you can leave for however long you like.  Even I have managed to do that!

x J

Working Again!

Arf I am working again today :) 

However, my concentration and willpower are weakening!  I will do another ten mins after this.  I have done one stint of 25 mins and another of 13.  I am finding it hard to get back to do another stint though, I keep wandering off :)  I have to tell myself that this is ok though, that one 10 mins should be ok.

I have written about 200 words so far. 

I think I will have tomorrow off.  Well, I might do two sessions of 10 mins.  Then I will stop and mooch, because DB and Bean are off to the South tomorrow lunchtime and then I will have all of sat, sun, mon and tues to work - which is a long time and I could do with a small recharge of the batteries I think!  However, I don't want to lose momentum or enthusiasm so will do some after they go (if they really do go at lunchtime, I am skeptical).

x J

500 words done!

A-Wheee!  I have done 500 words!  It took...  about an hour of 10 mins slots...  (all morning) and I even managed one slot of 25 mins!  And only one twitch to procrastinate in that whole time!  Hurrah, hurrah.

And I have nearly finished a subsection, albeit in rough 'zero' form. 

So in two days I have written 1000 wds, which is a 10th of my chapter.  Oh happy day.  And technically I have 2 hours all to myself because I have hit my target!  Oh double happy day :)  I will come back and do some more, though might slope off now and have a coffee, some choc and read my book for half an hour.

I know what I want to write next too, which is an example of 'parking downhill' apparently. 

Super duper!

x J

Working again :)

Yay I am working again :)

This 10 minute malarky is great stuff!

Yesterday I did a total of 1 hour, 10 mins work and by the end of the day had written 500 words.  That is brilliant.  The amount of time I spent working was disappointing, until I realised that I am not marked on hours spent at my desk, but on the work I produce!

I think not writing to a script I had in my head has helped too.  Bolker (15 mins a day lady) advocates freewriting a lot, which is really the opposite of my strict writing and editing style which has actually managed to strangle any creativity I might have - because nothing I write is right.  Now, however, I have to tell myself that I have my subheadings and am now filling them in with my notes, quotations and arguments, and will edit it all and sort it out later.  For now, it is about getting the text down.

It is quite easy, although I am not cocky and am aware of how hard it is to stay on task.  My concentration is better today though, and my general awareness of my chapter and what I want to say.  Momentum really is the key.

I have also decided to discard my self imposed deadline of 12 Nov, as it is stressing me out.  Instead I will hand in when I can, or 31 Dec and we will move in the middle of editing.  I have personal deadlines of wanting my lit review and methodology chapters done for when we go on holiday in Sept (6 weeks tomorrow) which are achievable.  I will then only have the intro and concl to write from scratch :)  I can have my sup reading them while I am away.  I decided to move while we are finishing because then I will have an extra 6 weeks to work.  Even if I take two weeks off to move I would still have an extra month than if I decide to hand in early.  Having the space really helps in my mind too, as I am not using a deadline as a whip to force myself to work (and failing) but instead am just concentrating on my small deadlines and every day targets of 10 mins a day, hopefully culminating in 500 words.

I feel so much better about it all.

DB and Bean are off to the South on Friday so I shall have the whole of Sat, Sun, Mon and I think Tues too to work.  I am really, really looking forward to the freedom of being able to work as and when.  I plan to work from 10-6, but doing the 10 mins thing until I think I can achieve a bigger goal without freaking out :)

x J